This is topic Bodily Fluids and Noises (YUCK!) in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 4594) on 05-01-2002, 04:00 AM:
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. She browses around, then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely rug?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are very likely going to shit when you hear the price."
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 05-07-2002, 02:43 AM:
Standard comeback to a fart on the flight deck:"Captain who?"
Definition of a surprise: A fart with a lump in it. Or one that runs down your leg. 
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 05-07-2002, 03:46 PM:
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven points."His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later the wife let one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score." Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field-goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure's on with the old man refusing to be beaten by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he 
s the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 08-11-2002, 02:12 AM:
Vomit euphemisms...Barf
Puke
Ralph
Yak
Hurl
Heave
Upchuck
Spew
Blow chunks
Power yawn
Technicolor yawn 
Drivin' the porcelain bus
Prayin' to the porcelain god
Posted by Gracia L. Babbidge (Member # 582) on 08-13-2002, 01:29 PM:
More vomit euphemisms:Tossing your cookies.
Losing you lunch.
Talking into the white microphone.
Having a reverse feast.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-18-2002, 09:06 PM:
Ratedn R Paulmin Washington State
EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT FARTS, BUT
WERE AFRAID TO ASK.
What makes farts stink?
The odor of farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. Nitrogen-rich compounds such as skatole and indole also add to the stench of farts. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and mercaptans will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly
stinky farts.
Why are stinky farts generally warmer and quieter than regular farts?
Most fart gas comes from swallowed air and consists largely of
nitrogen and carbon dioxide, the oxygen having been absorbed by the time it reaches the anal opening. These gases are odorless, although they often pick up other (and more odiferous)components on the way through the bowel. They emerge from the anus in fairly large bubbles at body temperature. A person can often achieve a good sound with these voluminous farts, but they are commonly (but not always!)mundane with respect to odor, and don't feel particularly warm.
Another major source of fart gas is bacterial action. Bacterial
fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct as well as various pungent gases. The resulting bubbles of gas tend to be small, hot, and concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. These emerge as the notorious, warm, SBD (Silent-But-Deadly), often in amounts too small to produce a good sound, but excelling in stench.
How much gas does a normal person pass per day?
On average, a person produces about half a liter of fart gas per day,
distributed over an average of about fourteen daily farts. Whereas it may be difficult for you to determine your daily flatus volume, you can certainly keep track of your daily numerical fart count. You might try this as a science fair project: Keep a journal ofeverything you eat and a count of your farts. You might make a note of the potency of their odor as well. See if you can discover a relationship between what you eat, how much you fart, and how much they smell.
How long does it take fart gas to travel to someone else's nose?
Fart travel time depends on atmospheric conditions such as humidity,
temperature and wind speed and direction, the molecular weight of the fart particles, and the distance between the fart transmitter and the fart receiver. Farts also disperse(spread out) as they leave the source, and their potency diminishes with dilution. Generally, if the fart is not detected within a few seconds, it will be too dilute for perception and will be lost into the atmosphere forever. Exceptional conditions exist when the fart is released into a small enclosed area such as an elevator, a small room, or a car.
These conditions limit the amount of dilution possible, and the fart
may remain in a smellable concentration for a long period of time, until it condenses on the walls.
Why is there a 13 to 20 second delay between farting and the time it
starts to smell?
Actually, the fart stinks immediately upon emergence, but it takes
several seconds for the odor to travel to the farter's nostrils. If farts could travel at the speed of sound, we would smell them almost instantly, at the same time we hear them.
Is it true that some people never fart?
No, not if they're alive. People even fart shortly after death.
Do even movie stars fart?
Yes most men take more pride in it than most women. There is a large
variation among individuals in the amount of fart gas produced per day, but the variation does not correlate with gender. I have read that men fart more often than women. If this is true, then women must be saving it up and expelling more gas per fart than men do.
Do men's farts smell worse than women's farts?
Based on what I have experienced of women's farts, all I can say is
that I hope not.
At what time of day is a gentleman most likely to fart?
A gentleman is mostly likely to fart first thing in the morning, while
in the bathroom. This is known as "morning thunder," and if the gentleman gets good resonance, it can be heard throughout the household.
Why are beans so notorious for making people fart?
Beans contain sugars that we humans cannot digest. When these sugars
reach our intestines, the bacteria go wild, have a big feast, and make lots of gas! Other notorious fart-producing foods include corn, bell peppers, cabbage, milk, and raisins. A friend of mine had a dog who was exceptionally fond of apples and turnips. The dog would eat these things and then get prodigious gas. A dog's digestive system is not equipped to handle such vegetable matter, so the dog's bacteria worked overtime to produce remarkable flatulence.
What things other than diet can make a person fart more than usual?
People who swallow a lot of air fart more than people who don't. This
can be cured somewhat by chewing with your mouth closed. Nervous people
with fast moving bowels will fart more because less air is absorbed out of the intestines. Some disease conditions can cause excess flatulence. And going up in an airplane or other low-pressure environment can cause the gas inside you to expand and emerge as
flatulence.
Is a fart really just a burp that comes out the wrong end?
No, a burp emerges from the stomach and has a different chemical
composition from a fart. Farts have less atmospheric gas content and more bacterial gas content than burps..
Is it harmful to hold in farts?
There are differences in opinion on this one. Certainly, people have
believed for centuries that retaining flatulence is bad for the health. Emperor Claudius even passed a law legalizing farting at banquets out of concern for people's health. There was a widespread belief that aperson could be poisoned or catch a disease by retaining farts. Doctors I have spoken to recently have told me that there is no particular harm in holding
in farts. Farts will not poison you; they are a natural component of your intestinal contents. The worst thing that can happen is that you may get a stomach ache from the gas pressure. But one doctor suggested that pathological distention of the bowel could result if a person holds in farts too much.
How long would it be possible to not fart?
As I understand it, a captive fart can escape as soon as the person
relaxes. This means that a lot of people who assiduously refrain from
farting during the day do so at great length as soon as they fall asleep. Having been on a great many overnight field trips, long bus trips, and trans- Pacific flights, I can personally vouch for the fact that lots of people do fart voluminously as they doze off. So the answer to the question would be, you can refrain from farting as long as you can stay awake!
Do all people fart in their sleep?
I have not made a scientific study of this, but I don't think all
people fart in their sleep. I think mainly those who refuse to fart when they're awake do so when dozing off. For other people, toilet training takes such a strong hold that they let nothing pass their sphincters in sleep. For these people, the gas accumulates in the night and they vent it upon awakening.
Where do farts go when you hold them in?
How often have you held in a fart, intending to release it at the
first appropriate opportunity, only to find that the fart has disappeared when you are ready for it? I asked several doctors where the fart goes. Does it leak out slowly without the person knowing it? Is it absorbed into the bloodstream? What happens to it? The doctors agree that the fart is neither released nor absorbed. It simply migrates back upward into the intestine and comes out later. It is reassuring to know that such farts aren't really lost, just delayed.
How can one cover up a fart?
There is a company called Fartypants that sells underwear designed to
absorb the odor of farts. If you should be caught without your Fartypants, another ploy is to blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill. As for the sound... if you are in a large group of people, act oblivious and innocent, or glance quickly at the person next to you, as if you think he/she did it. Other strategies include coughing or suddenly moving your chair so that people think that they misheard the fart.
If you are with one other person, you can act as if nothing happened,
and the other person may believe he was mistaken in thinking he heard a fart. CJT addresses the problem of farting loudly in a public restroom as follows: "My solution: use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butthole and it will muffle the farting; my friends and I call it the 'Buff Muff'!" Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up, but to proudly proclaim the fart as your own grand accomplishment and to issue a challenge to the others to outdo that one if they think they can.
Is it really possible to ignite farts?
The answer to that is YES! However, you should be aware that people
get injured igniting flatulence. Not only can the flame back up into your colon, but your clothing or other surroundings may catch on fire. A survey done by Fartcloud (the site, alas! is no more) indicates that about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatulence is a hazardous practice. However, if you want to try it, and you don't have a friend to light your fart for you, you might find it easier to accomplish the job using the Fartlighter. There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon.
Why is possible to burn farts?
Farts burn because they contain methane (usually) and hydrogen, both
of which are flammable gases. (Hydrogen was the same gas that was used in the ill fated Hindenburg dirigible.) Farts tend to burn with a blue or yellow flame.
SO.... NOW YOU KNOW
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 09-18-2002, 02:56 PM:
Anything to further lower the level of discourse on this forum...
Rated PG13 :THE SHIT LIST
GHOST SHIT: You know you've shit, and have shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
TEFLON SHIT or
CLEAN SHIT: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
GOO SHIT or
WET SHIT: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with a brown stain (skid mark or hash mark). Permanent skid marks are left in the toilet.
SECOND WAVE SHIT: It happens when you're done shitting. You've pulled your pants up to your knees, and then you realize that you have to shit some more.
BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT or
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT: The kind of shit that killed Elvis. The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT or
RICHARD SIMMONS SHIT: The kind of shit where you shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
RIGHT NOW SHIT: You'd better be within thirty seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber to get there and it usually gets its head out before you can get your pants down.
CORN SHIT: Self explanatory.
KING KONG SHIT or
LINCOLN LOG SHIT: The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it up into a few dozen chunks. A wire coat hanger usually works well. This kind usually happens when you're at someone else's house.
CORK SHIT: Also known as "floaters". Even after the third flush it's still there, floating in the bowl. My God! How do I get rid of it?
"GEE, I WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT: It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
BLOODY SHIT: Self explanatory.
SPINAL TAP SHIT: That's the kind that hurts so much coming out that you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
CEMENT BLOCK SHIT: You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
WET CHEEKS SHIT or
POWER DUMP: That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
LIQUID SHIT or
SQUID SHIT: The kind where a yellowish-brown fluid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your anus.
MORNING AFTER SHIT: Happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell that bad, but THIS one... Usually you're at someone else's house and they're waiting outside to use the bathroom.
SCREAMER SHIT or
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT: In a class all its own. You know it's safe to eat again when your butt stops burning.
SNAKE SHIT: This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least three feet long.
OREO SHIT: Ditto.
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 09-18-2002, 03:25 PM:
Oh why stop now? More schoolboy level "humor."
Rated PG13 :PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF MEN IN PUBLIC RESTROOMS
ABSENTMINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants
CHILDISH: Looks directly into urinal bottom, likes to see it bubble
CLEVER: No hands, shows off by fixing tie, looks around, pisses on floor
CROSSEYED: Looks into urinal on left, pisses in center, flushes urinal on right
DISGUSTED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to shit, then does both
EXCITABLE: Shorst half-twisted, can't find hole, rips shorts
FAT: Has to stand back to take long blind shot, misses, pisses on shoes
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down across urinal, tries to hit fly
IMPATIENT: Always in a hurry, pisses down back of guy in front of him
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns
NOSEY: Looks into urinal nest to him to see how other guy is "fixed"
PATIENT: Stands very close for long time, reads newspaper with free hand
SNEAK: Farts silently, knows guy next to him will be blamed
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not
TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, flushes as if he had, sneaks back later
TOUGH: Bangs dong against urinal to dry it
WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, pisses down leg, thus eliminating noise
WORRIED: Not sure of what he has been doing lately, makes quick inspection
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2002, 11:43 AM:
Rated R ![[bs]](graemlins/bs.gif)
A guide to people who fart :
THE VAIN PERSON :
one who loves the smell of their own farts.
THE AMIABLE PERSON :
one who loves the smell of other peple's farts.
THE UNFORTUNATE PERSON :
one who tries awfully to fart, but poops instead.
THE HONEST PERSON :
one who admits they farted but offers a medical reason for it.
THE DISHONEST PERSON :
one who farts and then blmaes the dog.
THE FOOLISH PERSON :
one who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
THE MISERABLE PERSON :
one who would truly love to but can't fart at all.
THE INTELLECTUAL PERSON :
one who determines from the smell of their neighbour's fart precisely by the latest food item they consumed.
THE SADISTIC PESON :
one who farts in bed and then fluffs the bed covers over theirpartner's head.
So, which one are you?? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 12-08-2002, 02:34 PM:
Bob, only one? I proudly claim membership in the last two.
As to the first--yes, I can. As to the second--yes, I have. ![[evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
BTW, mine are bad. Her's could be bottled and sold as weapons of mass destruction. ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2002, 06:52 PM:
Paul, Can you close your eyes and imagine being in the cockpit of your plane. You are on a cross country trip when you deceide to let loose.
Your co-pilot is a "THE UNFORTUNATE PERSON" who is sitting a mere 22 inches from your seat.
No where to go...no window to open....no mask to hide the stench!!!
What in the world are you going to do?
How can you survive.
Stay tuned to find out what happans.
![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 12-10-2002, 02:26 AM:
Me in that situation? I'd laugh.
If the F/O was smart, he'd don his mask and go on 100% oxygen.
If the stews or the self-loading cargo start passing out, we'd depressurize the cabin.
In the Twin Otter, we'd just open the cockpit windows. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 11-02-2004, 01:52 PM:
It has been 693 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 01:52 PM:
Rated PG
THE FART POEM
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known,
To sound just like a song.
Some farts do not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger awhile.
A fart can create
A most-curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent, but deadly.
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairies,
To small elevators,
A fart will find all of us
Sooner or later.
So be not afraid
Of the invisible gas,
For always remember,
That farts, too, shall pass.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 01:55 PM:
Rated PG
Beefy Fart
Sounds loud, and will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
Brewer Fart
You try to push a brewer fart out, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.
Bunbuster Fart
Sounds like a Beefy Fart, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
Compost Fart
You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.
Eggy Fart
Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.
Escape Pod Fart
You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and sputter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
GNL Fart
Gambled 'n' lost. You take a gamble that it's going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart...
Growling Fart
Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
Gunshot Fart
Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don't know they even exist. One report says: "I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have referred to these rare creatures, so proving their existence.
Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart)
The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart)
You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.
On The Spot Fart
You didn't even know it was there, but suddenly 'Brrmp'.
Prelude To A Poopie
You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
Present (a.k.a. 'Time I Wasn't Here' Fart)
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.
Silent but Deadly (SBD) Fart
The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odor.
Sphinctal Napalm
Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
Squeaky Fart
Sounds like 'Wheeek'. Normally smells foul.
Stalker Fart
Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
Tandem Fart
Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker's nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.
Trouser Ripping Special
Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
Underwater Fart
Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelled on rising to the surface, and experienced wind breakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.
Windy Fart
The sort of fart, which goes 'Whoosh', and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
Worrying Fart
The kind that seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 01:57 PM:
Rated G
A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn't control himself and let loose a big noisy fart.
Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her "Do you by any chance have today's paper?"
The lady looked at him and said, "No, but the next time we pass by a tree I'll grab you a handful of leaves."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2004, 07:26 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"A pull and his finger are soon farted."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 12-14-2005, 12:21 PM:
It has been 402 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 12:21 PM:
Rated PG Samsuddin
When an American is farting in public, he will say "Excuse me..." When a British is farting in public, he will say "Pardon me..." When an Indonesian is farting in public, he will say "Not me! Not me.
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 12-16-2005, 11:44 AM:
Rated PG-13
The most multi-functional word in the English language:
Shit
Consider: