This is topic Men vs, Women & vice-versa in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-29-2002, 07:58 AM:
Rated XX 
Things a Man Would Do if He Woke up with a Vagina
10. Immediately go shopping for a vibrator
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half
8. See if he could finally do a split
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet
6. Cross his legs without rearranging his crotch
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 20 minutes
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
1. Finally find that damn G-Spot 
Things a Woman Would Do if She Woke up with a Penis
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world
9. Get a blowjob
8. Find out what is so fascinating about "beating the meat"
7. Pee standing up
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently
5. Find out what it is like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm
4. Touch/shift herself in public without a thought as to how improper it might seem
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction that occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member, which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement
1. Repeat #9
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-30-2002, 10:43 AM:
Rated XXX Blow Job Etiquette
A Woman's Take on the Subject:
1. First and foremost, we're not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to #1, so, if you DO get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video, it's NOT standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to #3, no, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to #5, don't push on top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. Besides, you REALLY want puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get. It's NEVER ok to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean it's "hummer week". Get it through your head: I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so NO, I don't feel particular obligated to blow you. You just can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8, "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to stop to remove a public hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've "wrecked" it for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately after is HIGHLY inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment. Review #2 above about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't give a shit about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It's not appropriate to sympathize OR brag.
16. Just because it's "awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.
6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.
8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2002, 11:00 AM:
Rated PG
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq -ruled by a dick.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2002, 07:55 AM:
Rated R For Women When NOT to Accept a Proposal
Women who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before accepting a proposal of marriage.
* On his first date with you, did he pick you up early so you could help with his laundry?
* To reach him in an emergency, would anyone think to call the local adult bookstore?
* Has he ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times?
* Is it unclear to some people whether that's a mustache or just a lot of unruly nose hair?
* Is his idea of a classy restaurant one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets?
* Does his car get more than sixty miles per gallon?
* Does the label on his deodorant include the phrase "Industrial Strength?"
* Has he memorized the telephone number of at least one bail-bondsman?
Men who can answer "yes" to five or more of these questions should consider carefully before proposing marriage.
* In the kitchen, has she ever referred to an oven as "that square thing?"
* Does she use the phrase "you know" more than twice per sentence?
* Is she making monthly payments of more than $300 to a plastic surgeon.
* Have you noticed her name tattoed on three or more local bikers?
* Have you noticed three or more local bikers' names tattooed on her?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to an old boyfriend's?
* Does she regularly compare your love-making talents to the Green Bay Packers?
* Does she have a wholesale source for Deodorant-in-a-Drum?
* Has she ever used the word poo-poo?
* If forced to use it at all, does she choose to spell the word sex?
* Does her resume include a six-year stint at Big Leg Emma's House of Painful Delights?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-14-2002, 01:56 AM:
Rated PG Man discovered weapons, invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting, invented furs.
Man discovered colors, invented painting.
Woman discovered painting, invented make-up.
Man discovered speech, invented conversation.
Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip.
Man discovered agriculture, invented food.
Woman discovered food, invented diet.
Man discovered friendship, invented love.
Woman discovered love, invented marriage.
Man discovered woman, invented sex.
Woman discovered sex, invented headache.
Man discovered trade, invented money.
Woman discovered money, and man was a complete mess after that.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2002, 07:41 AM:
Rated PG He said, "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said, "Well, you succeeded."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2002, 10:21 AM:
Rated R A couple are lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2002, 07:17 PM:
Rated R Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a
rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2002, 03:52 PM:
Men and women are just so different. How? I am so so glad you asked... NICKNAMES...
Men have em, women wish they had em.
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Ros go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a pint, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
In the south, they will refer to them as Bubba, Bubba, Bubba and Bubba.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2002, 02:34 PM:
Rated R THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2002, 11:18 AM:
Rated PG Bras & Butts Etc.
DEFINITIONS BY GENDER
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-19-2002, 12:14 AM:
Rated PG He said - Two inches more and I would be a king.
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be a queen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-26-2002, 11:29 AM:
Rated G Paula in BoulderWOMEN:
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes,apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to showhow much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN:
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2002, 09:45 AM:
Rated G 
LorraineHIS AND HER ROAD TRIP:HERS:
1. Pulls off at wrong exit.
2. Opens window.
3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer.
4. Arrives at destination presently.
HIS:1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it's thecorrect one.
2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he'sright.
3. Drives an extra five miles just in case.
4. Finally rolls down window just to get fresh air.
5. Pulls up to 7-11.
6. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky.
7. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway.
8. Gets back into car.
9. Laughs at the idea of looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11.
10. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy at 7-11 said it was.
11. Almost hits a deer.
12. Curses the night.
13. Curses you.
14. Curses the large slurpee.
15. Drives and fiddles with radio.
16. Yells at you for suggesting the map again.
17. Admits he didn't want to go to your sister's house anyway.
18. He hates your sister.
19. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel.
20. He had to look up pernicious.
21. Couldn't find a dictionary.
22. Finally found a dictionary.
23. Couldn't spell pernicious.
24. Seethes at the memory of it all.
25. But she is laughing inside...
26. And of course you're still lost.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2002, 01:20 PM:
Rated G "Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same."
Men and women are created equal.
But, boys and girls are not born the same.
You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2002, 09:10 PM:
Rated G
Men vs. Women: Round 1
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-30-2002, 11:27 AM:
Rated G 
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky.
A woman already knows.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2002, 07:56 AM:
Rated PG He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said . . . Well, you succeeded!
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . . I would but you're never there.
On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
He. Why did the man cross the road?
She. He heard the chicken was a slut.
He. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She. They don't have time.
He. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
She. They don't stop and ask for directions.
He. What do men and sperm have in common?
She. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
He. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
She: He buys two cases of beer.
He: What is the difference between men and government bonds?
She:The bonds mature.
He:. Why are blonde jokes so short?
She:. So men can remember them.
He: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
He: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She:A widow.
He:Why are married women heavier than single women?
She:Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
He: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
She:They're married.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2002, 09:09 AM:
Rated PG DOGS & WOMEN & MEN!
How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
How Dogs and Men are the Same:
Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both like to chew wood.
Both mark their territory.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both tend to smell riper with age.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Neither does dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
Neither understands what you see in cats.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2002, 07:26 AM:
Rated X
TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
1. Repeat number 9......
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2002, 07:34 AM:
Rated PG
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 03:02 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left.
Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
Subject: How to impress a Woman
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back for her.
How to impress a man:
* Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2002, 01:41 PM:
Rated G
Notice to All the Bank's Customers
Please note that the Bank is installing new "drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving
their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility,the following procedures have been drawn up.
Please read the procedure that applies to your own circumstances (i.e., MALE or FEMALE) and remember it when you use the machine for the first time.
MALE PROCEDURE
A. Drive up to the cash machine.
B. Put down your car window.
C. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
D. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
E. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
F. Put window up
G. Drive off
FEMALE PROCEDURE
A. Drive up to cash machine
B. Reverse car to back up the required amount to align car window to machine
C. Set parking brake; put the window down
D. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
E. Turn the radio down
F. Attempt to insert card into machine
G. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
H. Insert card
I. Re-insert card the right way up
J. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
K. Enter PIN.
L. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
M. Enter amount of cash required
N. Check make up in rear view mirror
O. Retrieve cash and receipt
P. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside
Q. Place receipt in back of checkbook
R. Re-check make-up again
S. Drive forward 2 feet
T. Reverse back to cash machine
U. Retrieve card
V. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
W. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers in line behind you
X. Restart stalled engine and pull off
Y. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
Z. Release Parking Brake ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2002, 11:07 AM:
Rated G
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful,
merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison,
and love you like mad.
THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Horny. ![[sex]](graemlins/sex.gif)
Sleepy ![[sleep]](graemlins/sleep.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 08:58 PM:
Rated G
BRIAN: Let's play a game of wits.
DIANE: No, let's play something you can play, too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 02:31 PM:
Rated G ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
New Year's Resolutions/Goals
The Basic Difference: HER (X) / HIS(Y)
X: Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Y: One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over on
Superbowl weekend)
X: ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Y: ONLY three nights at topless bar per week
X: Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Y: Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV
remote
X: Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Y: Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing
list
X: Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Y: Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing
X: Get organized/clean house
Y: Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)
X: Buy new Daily Planner
Y: Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture
X: Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Y: Score with tall, long-legged Blonde in Finance
X: Read More / Less TV
Y: Buy Dish - More sports channels!!
X: Plan budget / Save more money
Y: Only three nights at topless bar per week ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 02:58 PM:
Rated G
Jill: I'll always remember how we celebrated New Year's night with our closest friends at that fancy nightclub
John: Yes, it makes me sentimental, too.
Jill: You already miss all the friends we saw?
John: No, I already miss all the money I spent:D
Posted by William Leland III (Member # 1400) on 01-10-2003, 05:32 PM:
Rated G
Rules From The Male Side
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from
the male side. These are our rules!
Please Note: They are all numbered "1" on purpose!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. A headache that lasts for 7 days is a problem... See a Doctor!
1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the
calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most guys own three to five pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with
your dress?
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Check your car's oil! Please.
1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after seven (7) days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2003, 07:37 AM:
Rated PG
The Difference Between Men and Women
Let's say a guy named Fred is attracted to a woman named Martha. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Martha, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then, there is silence in the car.
To Martha, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Fred is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Martha is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily towards, I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Fred is thinking: ...so that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Martha is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Fred is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Martha is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Fred is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty...scumballs.
And Martha is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Fred is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
"Fred," Martha says aloud.
"What?" says Fred, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...oh dear, I feel so..."(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Fred.
"I'm such a fool," Martha sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Fred.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Martha says.
"No!" says Fred, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Martha says. (There is a 15-second pause while Fred, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says. (Martha, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Fred, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Fred.
"That way about time," says Martha.
"Oh," says Fred. "Yes." (Martha turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Fred," she says.
"Thank you," says Fred.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Fred gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a college basketball game between two South Dakota junior colleges that he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Martha will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Fred, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Martha's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Martha ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 06:45 PM:
Rated G ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Lorraine
In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to
discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know
about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 03-12-2005, 06:13 PM:
It has been 742 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-12-2005, 06:13 PM:
Rated G...
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona on Valentine's Day when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 11:10 AM:
Rated G
Morris ran into Jacob in front of the jewelry store while shopping at the mall the other day. Noticing a small box, conspicuously gift wrapped, Morris asked Jacob if he'd purchased a gift for his wife, Rebecca.
Jacob told Morris, "Becky has a birthday coming up and when I asked what she wanted, she said, 'Oh I don't know ... just get me something with lots of diamonds in it.' "
"So," says Morris, "what did you get her?"
Jacob smiles and replies, "I got her a deck of cards!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2005, 04:49 PM:
Rated G
After a Dutch-treat-on-everything date, the girl responded to her escort who brought her home, "Since we've gone Dutch on everything else, you can just kiss yourself goodnight!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-30-2005, 05:57 PM:
Rated G...
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here is another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-07-2005, 07:34 AM:
Rated G
A couple had been debating over the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck and she wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip thru traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less.
"And my birthday is coming up and you could surprise me."
So for her birthday he surprised her and bought her a brand new bathroom
scale.
Services are pending.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2005, 07:56 AM:
Rated PG
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair, ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine, really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult that peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes, and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, then we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to appear.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell how you want it done-not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2005, 09:51 PM:
Rated X
Questions and Answers
Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius
Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
A: They don't have enough time
Q: WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
A: They don't stop for directions
Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in
Q: WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
A: They're intended for children but men usually end up playing with them
Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock
Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
A: Nobody knows, since it has never happened
Q: ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.
A: Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2005, 09:54 PM:
Rated PG
Those are my rules
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted." And, I don't expect any hassle from you.
Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want.
Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 12:40 PM:
Rated G
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:00 PM:
Rated G
One day, a couple of weeks ago, I was writing in my notebook the lament "Warm beer and cold women, that's the story of my life."
A rather good looking chick sitting next to me noticed what I had written, and replied, "That's really sad. I'll help you out. Come with me after class." Naturally I did, and we went to her room.
It was one of the coldest bottles of Rolling Rock I ever had.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:03 PM:
Rated G
A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more--would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.
One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Ty-D-Bol® man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home, she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look like? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" and again was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" he asked. She smiled. "What do I look like? Betty Crocker?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-27-2005, 09:59 AM:
Eated G
Tell about a haircut
The story of someone getting a haircut.
Women's version:
Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
Men's version:
Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 12:38 PM:
Rated R
A beautiful woman was seated in a fine restaurant. A man, sitting several tables away, was struck by her beauty and requested a waiter to deliver a bottle of the establishment's finest Merlot to her.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second without looking over at the man, and decided to send a reply note. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants,"
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own return. He folded his note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. I also have over twenty-million dollars in my bank account. However, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 09:44 AM:
Rated PG
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 12:49 PM:
Rated G
In a small town the farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues.
About midway through the meeting a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.
One old farmer stood up and said, "What does she know about anything. I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"
Quick as a flash the woman replied, "Take off your boots, man and count them!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:21 PM:
Rated G George
The other day at work I ran into Tom. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombshell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce".
I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together"
"Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market."
"Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed.
"Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:28 AM:
Rated Patrice
My boyfriend is not real bright. But I love the guy. We go into this trophy shop because my basketball team won second place. We were in this shop and there are trophies everywhere.
My boyfriend looks around and goes, "This guy is really good."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2005, 06:36 AM:
Rated G
Men and Women Compared
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Goodwill, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings, funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 08:20 AM:
Rated R
Stella was describing the events of the evening before to her girlfriend.
" After the movies," she said, "he wanted me to take him to my apartment, but I refused. I said, I can't. My mother would worry if I did anything like that."
"You were very right," said her friend approvingly. "So what did he say?"
"Well he kept after me and after me, and I just kept saying, No, my mother would worry."
"You didn't weaken, did you?"
"You bet I didn't," said Stella warmly. "In the end, I just went to his apartment, I figured, what the heck, let his mother worry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 12:25 PM:
Rated G
1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it- yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
7. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
8. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
9. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
10. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
11. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
12. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
13. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
14. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
15. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
16. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
17. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
18. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
19. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
20. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car. Once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2005, 01:10 PM:
Rated G
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2005, 01:17 PM:
Rated G Diana
Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50
Apparently, 30 percent of the men aren't getting the message.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Elaine
"A woman of thirty-five thinks about having children. A man of thirty-five thinks about dating them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 07:30 AM:
Rated G
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 04:49 PM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
GENDER I. D.
You may not know this, but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and 's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Bet this was written by a Go-il. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 07:12 AM:
Rated G
Drunk guy: "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"
Drunk girl: "What's that mean?"
Drunk guy: "It's an Irish toast."
Drunk girl: "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."
Drunk guy: "Huh?"
Drunk girl: "That's French toast."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-12-2006, 12:39 PM:
Rated G....
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, Fries and a coke, "and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same, "says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As the woman fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" the cashier asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 08:42 AM:
Rated G Gerry
During an open-mike comedy show featuring stand-up kid comedians, ten-year-old Sam said, "I asked my dad if he thought electing a woman president of the United States would be a good idea because it might make men more submissive to women.
He answered, 'I don't know. I'll have to ask your mother.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 05:40 AM:
Rated PG Diana
When a man gives his opinion he's a man.
When a woman gives her opinion she's a bitch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 01:16 PM:
Rated G
You know, new lovers really should have a minimum isolation period of say, six months, so as not to nauseate absolutely everyone they meet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
Why do men's hearts beat quicker,
go weak in the knee's,
get dry throats
and think irrationally when a woman
wears
leather
clothing?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.BECAUSE SHE
SMELLS JUST LIKE
A NEW TRUCK!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 10:11 AM:
Rated G
Jill's fine figure had been poured into a beautiful form-fitting gown and she made a point of calling her date's attention to it over and over again throughout the evening.
Finally, over a nightcap in his apartment he said, "You've been talking about that dress all evening long. You called my attention to it first when we met for cocktails, mentioned it again at dinner, and still again at the theatre.
Now that we're here alone in my apartment, what do you say we drop the subject?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:44 PM:
Rated G Elaine
When men reach their sixties and retire they go to pieces.
Women just go on cooking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 08:28 AM:
Rated G Elaine
A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 09:13 AM:
Rated G Elaine
A study shows men are hit by lightning four times as often as women, usually after saying, 'I'll call you.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 12:38 PM:
Rated G Jack
Mary:John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think Peter?
Peter:A bit of both. I think you are pretty ugly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 12:42 PM:
Rated G Jack
Man: You remind me of the sea.
Woman:Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man: NO, because you make me sick. ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:56 AM:
Rated G Bruce
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky.
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:07 PM:
Rated G
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:10 PM:
Rated G
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" Lisa asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:37 PM:
Rated G Ralph
I'm nostalgic. I miss childhood. I miss first grade. I miss thinking girls are gross. Do you know how much money I could save if I still thought girls were gross?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:16 PM:
Rated G
Men seem to flip around the television more than women.
Men get that remote control in their hands, they don't even know what the hell they're not watching. We just keep going, "Rerun...that's stupid, he's stupid...go,go,go!"
"What are you watching?"
"I don't care, I gotta keep going."
"I think that's a documentary about your father."
"Don't care...what else is on?"
Women don't do this. Women will stop and go, "Let's see what the show is before I change the channel. Maybe we can nurture it, work with it, help it grow into something."
Men don't do that.
Because women nest, and men hunt.
That's why we watch TV differently.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated G
Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for "male bimbo" Except maybe "senator".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:53 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I was standing on a chair unscrewing a lightbuld when my husband asked if I was changing the bulb.
I said, "No, I thought I'd stick my finger in the socket and give myself an new hair style."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I'm constantly reminding my husband, Danny, to call and let me know where he is if he's going to be late getting home.
I didn't realize how frustrated he was with my habit until we were discussing our wills with our lawyer. We told him we wanted to be cremated and our ashes spread.
Our lawyer said he wanted that too, but his wife insisted that his ashes be buried.
Immediately Danny said: "Women! They just have to know where you are all the time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated PG Bruce
~ The Perfect Man ~
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, And doesn't mind admitting when he's wrong,
One who thinks before he speaks, When he promises to call, he won't wait two weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash he won't be annoyed & opens my door & begs to do more
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my Mind, knows just what to say when I ask, " How Big is My Behind !?! "
One who will kiss me till my body's twitchin', In the hall, the shower, the garden and the kitchen. I pray this man will love me to no end, and never attempts to date my best friend.
And, as I kneel and pray by my bed ...
I look at the Butt Head you sent me instead!!!
~ Amen ~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:41 PM:
Rated G
"Q & A's"
Q: What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A: Nudity.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike?
A: Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that
are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: Why does the bride always wear white?
A: Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:59 PM:
Rated G
" Responses To Men's Cheap Pick Up Lines "
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there? "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 02:27 PM:
Rated G Valerie
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 03:14 PM:
Rated R Bruce
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between the two? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom , and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 09:15 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Do you know what is the best way for a guy to impress me at the gym?
The best way is to do pull-ups...pull up in a Corvette Convertible, pull up in a Rolls-Royce, pull up in a Cadillac..
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 02:31 PM:
Rated G
Marriage Anonymous
They have something now called Marriage Anonymous.When you feel like getting married,you call somebody and they send over a man in a dirty T-shirt who hasn't shaved in three days, smells like stale beer, and whines at you to make him a snack while he lies on the couch, emits various bodily gases and their accompanying noises, and watches football.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 09:01 AM:
Rated G
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." he said.
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Jill was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her grew quickly. The man in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously, as Jill continued trying to get the car to started again.
Finally, Jill got out of her car and approached the man in the car behind her. She smiled and said to him, "I can't seem to get my car started. Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me.
I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:36 AM:
Rated G
Women have many faults. Men only have 2 Everything they say, And everything they do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:57 AM:
Rated G B.B.
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:37 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a protracted period of dating with no talk of marriage.
One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So...how do you like your rice? Boiled? Steamed? or fried?"
Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 11:06 AM:
Rated PG
A fifteen-year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream. "Were did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name...they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demaned to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 03:23 PM:
Rated G Larry
The Truth About Men & Women
- men like sex
- women like sex if they haven't had to cook dinner first
- men have coins in their pockets, on the fridge, on windowsills and by the bed
- women have purses
- men shop if they absolutly have to
- women shop because they absolutly have to
- men sometimes tell lies
- women don't tell lies; they just pretend they bought the coat in the sale
- men pee by the side of the road, on top of mountains and onto bonfires
- women go before they leave the house
- men care about the car they drive
- women like silver ones
- men gain experience
- women gain a reputation
- men think a relationship is over when a women says it is
- women don't really believe a relationship is over when they say it is. they're just trying to teach men a lesson
- mens plans for a weekend away involves deciding on the best route
- womens plans for a weekend away involve a trip to the hairdressers, a diet, two new outfits and 22 pairs of shoes
- men have a penis
- women have more than one erogenous zone
- men stroke a womens hair three times and rub her breast twice
- women prefer foreplay
-men sulk after an argument
-women eat a packet of jaffa cakes and a tub of ice cream
- men like fires
- women like firemen
- men suspect size matters
- women know it does
- men like women to look natural
- women like to look natural too but they just know how long it takes to look that way
- men don't talk on the phone, they don't see the point in chatting to someone they are going to see next month.
- women chat on the phone for hours to someone they are going to see that afternoon.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-18-2006, 08:02 AM:
Rated G Sandy in Coronado
Here's a true statement...
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
======================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer,write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16-box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trashcan to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. (of course> you'd have to be in California to buy beer on Sunday at a 7-11)
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kid's sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litte into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00
But you know the job was done right!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2006, 03:44 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: How do you know when a man is going to say something smart?
ANSWER: It will start with "She said..."
QUESTION: Why was the math book sad?
ANSWER: It had so many problems.
Posted by Bernard Tonks (Member # 809) on 10-13-2006, 06:30 PM:
Subject: MEN STRIKE BACK Rated 'G'
How many men does it take to open a beer?
It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2006, 04:23 PM:
Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont.
The Body Builder
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
He tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
She replies,"I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2006, 11:36 AM:
Rated R Denny in Yonkers
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2006, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Man: Whats your name?
Woman: Tamara
Man: You should change it to Campbells, cause you're mmm mmm GOOD!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 09:08 AM:
Rated G
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, the ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won. :
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 12:49 PM:
Rated G
When a woman wears leather clothing,
a man's heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
.
.
.
Because she smells like a new truck.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 09:56 AM:
Rated G Judy,Judy,Judy
A family went to a hospital, where one of their relatives would be having a brain transplant.
One of the relatives asked, "What will the cost of a new brain be?"
The doctor replied, "A female brain costs $25,000 and a male brain costs $50,000."
The men smirked, but one of the females asked, "Why is that, doctor?"
"Well," the doctor replied,” the female brain is less because it has been used."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Man: Do you know C.P.R?
Woman: No why?
Man: Because you just took my breath away!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2007, 09:34 AM:
Rated G Alex
Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 11:05 AM:
Rated R Bruce
A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when all of a sudden a strong wind lifts her skirt.
The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, "Well, I can see that you're no gentleman!"
The hillbilly says, "And I can see you ain't one, neither!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 09:59 AM:
Rated G Diana
The greatest line I ever heard was from this guy who said. "I like a woman who can give me a real challenge."
So I mailed him my bank statement. Figure this out, big guy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 10:15 AM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2007, 09:40 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Men Strike Back !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy .
(HOW TRUE IS THIS ONE?!?!)
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2007, 09:18 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
The woman arrived
At an airport one night
With several long hours
Before her flight.
She hunted for a book
In the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies
And found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book
But happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her,
As bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two
From the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore
To avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies
And watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief
Diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated
As the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice,
I would blacken his eye."
With each cookie she took,
He took one too,
When only one was left,
She wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face,
And a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie
And broke it in half.
He offered her half,
As he ate the other,
She snatched it from him
And thought... ooh, brother!
This guy has some nerve
And he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show
Any gratitude!
She had never known
When she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief
When her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings
And headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back
At the thieving ingrate.
She boarded the plane,
And sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book,
Which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage,
She gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies,
In front of her eyes.
If mine are here,
She moaned in despair,
The others were his,
And he tried to share.
Too late to apologize,
She realized with grief,
That she was the rude one,
The ingrate, the thief!
How many times have we
absolutely known that
something was a certain way,
only to discover later that
what we believed to be true
...was not?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
MAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Wind window down
3) Insert ATM card, enter PIN
4) Retrieve cash
5) Drive away
WOMAN:
1) Pull up to machine
2) Open door (too far away from machine)
3) Search through all of the 112 compartments in handbag for ATM card
4) Do make up, apply lipstick, fix hair
5) Insert Card
6) Remove card
7) Insert card the correct way up
8) Search for piece of paper with PIN on it
9) Enter PIN
10) Enter correct PIN
11) Retrieve cash, put in bag
12) Drive off
13) Reverse back to machine
14) Retrieve card
15) Drive three miles away
16) Release hand-brake
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2007, 08:46 AM:
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2007, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
When John found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much smarter than men!!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 04:42 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire. No further studies are expected.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2007, 10:46 PM:
Rated G Elaine
Just remember, men can see much better than they can think. A low-cut neckline does more for a girl's future than the entire Britannica encyclopedia!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2007, 10:07 AM:
Rated PG JoEllen in Indiana
The Embarrassed Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's
doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate dis crimination against not only blondes, but women in general... And all in the name of humor!"
The embar rassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,"You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee
Posted by Bernard Tonks (Member # 809) on 10-28-2007, 12:48 PM:
Rated 'PG'
007
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late ?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch & I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch ? What's so special about it ?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now ?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers !"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2007, 08:23 PM:
Rated PG Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 01:16 PM:
Rated G Ken
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself, like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 01:18 PM:
Rated G Elaine
Young man to young woman at a singles' bar.
"I'm telling you, I only asked for your phone number because I'm writing a telephone book."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2008, 08:24 PM:
Rated R
Q : Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:18 PM:
Rated G the little woman
"WOMEN SEEKING MEN" Classifieds translations
Commitment-minded means: Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important means: Just try to get a word in edgewise.
Contagious Smile means: Bring your penicillin.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:05 PM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
Too many couples marry for better or worse, but not for good.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:26 PM:
Rated G lbp
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 11:50 AM:
Rated G
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 08:34 AM:
Rated G
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was look ing for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special"
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000", the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said..
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
Don't mess with Old People...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 12:46 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I was having an asthma attack when I got an obscene phone call and after a couple minutes the guy said, "Wait.
Did I call you or did you call me?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 07:12 AM:
Rated PG
LOVE, n .* man's grand delusion that one woman differs from another;
* a sea of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses;
* what Plato described as "a grave mental disease";
* something they say is blind; it's marriage which is the real eye opener;
* that emotion which is not true until returned;
* that delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock {John Barrymore};
* what rich countries have in common with the residents of all third-world countries;
* is like measles; much worse when it comes late in life;
* the most slippery word in the human language; used by knaves to seduce, by fools for comfort, and by most men to placate the female of the species;
* the only fire for which there is no insurance;
* an emotion, even if unreturned, has its rainbow;
* the crocodile in the river of desire {Bhartrihari c. 625};
* the only game that two can play and both win;
* the last and most serious of the childhood diseases;
* what makes marriage possible; habit makes it last;
* is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise;
* a disease like measles, we all have to go through it;
* a temporary insanity curable by marriage or the removing of the patient from the influences under which he or she incurred the disorder;
* the only game that is never called on account of darkness;
* the tie that blinds;
* consists of happiness, given back and forth;
* the only thing that has changed over the millions of years of playing this game is that trumps have changed from clubs to diamonds;
* that which makes the world revolve;
* is really just being stupid together;
* a situation which happens when you think almost as much of another as you do of yourself;
* is a fan club with only two members;
* the only virtue that can be divided endlessly and still not be diminished;
* the triumph of imagination over intelligence;
* the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion;
* a strange feeling that comes over a man; when he keeps wanting to call a girl by his last name;
* is like war; simple to begin but the devil to stop;
* is like the action similar to an hourglass: the heart fills as the brain empties;
* something which creates a religion that worships two fallible gods;
* a word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle aged, and the mutual dependence of the old;
* a situation; when it is true, does not mean gazing into each other's eyes, but looking outward together in the same direction as life beckons;
* something which combines the two greatest powers on earth; war and peace;
* the balm that heals the wounds that words make.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 06:53 AM:
Rated PG Sam
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:
"I wanna know your name..."
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.
a: 2.No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2008, 06:51 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Cowboy Poetry
Buying a Bra
I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.
But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three. "
Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat
I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.
But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-02-2008, 09:44 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?'
Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, ' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?'
He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face turns red.He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, please,please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2008, 09:08 AM:
Rated PG-13
Ways to Turn a Man Down
HE. "Can I buy you a drink?"
SHE. "Actually I'd rather have the money"
HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!
HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!
HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
Great Answers to Pickup Lines:
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman:"That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman:"Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman:"You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then why aren't you leaving me alone?"
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 11:08 AM:
Rated G the little woman
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?
Because she smells like a new truck.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 11:51 AM:
Rated R
*** Blind Date
Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
“I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked what she would like to do here to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake..
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2008, 03:32 PM:
Rated G
ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A WOMAN...
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a
severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing struck by lightning.One woman in particular loses it.
Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,she wails. Then she yells,'Well, if I'm going to
die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.....No one moves. ..He removes his shirt. .Muscles ripple across his chest .
...She gasps... and He says......
Here - 'Iron this, and get me something to eat....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2008, 04:11 PM:
Rated R Joker
Nine out of ten men prefer women with big breasts....the tenth guy prefers the other nine guys.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2008, 04:14 PM:
Rated R Joker
Men are on this planet because vibrators can't buy drinks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-31-2008, 09:29 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"
She says, "Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change."
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
"What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"Was it when they cut off your balls?"
"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."
"What was the most painful part?"
"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-10-2008, 11:51 AM:
Rated PG.....
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2008, 03:23 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous
redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its
socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back! "Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to
the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies.
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(Oh be quiet, and just forward it!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2008, 09:06 AM:
Rated R Jokester
How many kinds of boobs are there?
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?" asks the boy.
"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2008, 09:14 AM:
Rated G Jokester
A Week in Las Vegas
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, "7 come 11" all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"
The second guy says "I know what you mean...my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light or hit me hard', and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"
The third guy says "You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there... every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and a butt full of quarters!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2008, 01:08 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
Women & Men
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.
Remember these guidelines for future reference.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2009, 11:52 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet and taped it to my rear windshield.
When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2009, 08:02 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
1. You haven't asked yet.
2. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
3. Because I just love hearing this question.
4. Just lucky, I guess.
5. It gives my mother something to live for.
6. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole.
7. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
8. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
9. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
10. It didn't seem worth a blood test.
11. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
12. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
13. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
14. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
15. They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
16. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
17. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
18. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
19. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
20. Why aren't you thin?
21. I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
22. (Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-26-2009, 05:59 PM:
Rated PG....
Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's Underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward...forward...backward...forward...backward....forward... stop and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: Qualities to be a perfect wife:
A: Beautiful, Responsible Energetic Adorable Sweet Truthful and Self-Organized. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S
Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new HOLES.
Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 07-27-2009, 09:54 PM:
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started....
*****************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's how the fight started....
**************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started...
*****************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started...
*********************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.....
*************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please..'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
===============================
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....
so, I took her to a petrol station...
And then the fight started...
=============================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many
years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
=============================
I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.. he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
======================================
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
[ 07-27-2009, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Adam Martin ]
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-05-2010, 12:51 PM:
Rated PG....
A son asks his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all standard household appliances come in white.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-11-2010, 01:19 PM:
Rated PG...
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip. Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do?
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.
"Man, how long have you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said 'do whatever you want.' Well, here I am."
Posted by Ian Parfrey (Member # 5122) on 03-04-2010, 04:00 PM:
Rated M
Miracle treatment.
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just
gargle and gargle."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came
home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing
happened!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-30-2010, 02:00 PM:
Rated G.....
Young Bobby was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.
One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Posted by Phil Hill (Member # 371) on 04-20-2010, 06:42 PM:
Why Some Guys Have Dogs And Not Wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for
an hour. Then open the trunk and see who's the happiest to see you.
Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 04-20-2010, 06:55 PM: