Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE: Engineers

This is topic Engineers in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.

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Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:54 PM:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want.""

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:55 PM:

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:56 PM:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

The pastor greeted the greens keeper as he approached, "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. Finally the pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor added, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:58 PM:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 04:59 PM:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 05:00 PM:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 05:01 PM:

"Normal people … believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." - Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 05:02 PM:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Posted by James Morton (Member # 1299) on 05-29-2002, 05:04 PM:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!"

Posted by Pete Naples (Member # 761) on 06-04-2002, 03:33 AM:

YOU MAY BE AN ENGINEER IF...

If you introduce your wife as "my_lady@home.wife"
...or your husband as "the_man@my.service"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 48X CDROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:/ stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
If your 4 basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate

Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 12-02-2002, 10:34 PM:

PG [Smile]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're
in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level
of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building
improvements.

After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies,

"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and
flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a
mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up
here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll have to get a physicist."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And
just where are YOU going to get a physicist."

Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 11-02-2004, 11:06 AM:

It has been 700 days since the last post.

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 11:06 AM:

Rated G

Engineering Rules

1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

2. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

3. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

4. If you can't fix it -- document it.

5. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. [Smile]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 11:08 AM:

Rated G

Fix it

Normal people .... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.:

[ 09-23-2005, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 11:09 AM:

Rated G

Engineering Pick-Up Lines

-- I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page.

-- You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.

-- Since distance equals velocity times time, let's let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

-- My love for you is like a concave up function because it is always increasing.

-- Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.

-- Wanna come back to my room?... and see my 300mHz Pentium II?

-- How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond?

-- You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.

-- You're sweeter than fructose.

-- We're as compatible as two similar Power Macintoshes.

-- Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you?

-- Wanna see the programs in my HP?

-- Your body has the nicest arc length I've ever seen.

-- You're hotter than a bunsen burner set to full power!

-- I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.

-- Hey baby, let's make a stress-strain curve together. [Big Grin]

Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 11-25-2004, 02:57 PM:

quote: Bob Maar
Half Full or Half Empty?

Bob... see 2nd post in this thread! [Smile]

Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-03-2004, 06:25 PM:

Rated G

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2005, 10:44 AM:

Rated PG

Top 25 Engineer's Terms and Expressions
(What they say--what they mean.)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination.
(We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough!
(It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying!
(Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it.
(Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial.
(Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

13. Give us your interpretation.
(We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss.
(Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new.
(Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged.
(Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust!
(Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight.
(Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development.
(One finally worked)

20. Energy saving.
(Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance.
(Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance.
(Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data.
(I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail.
(I haven't checked my e-mail for days.) [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2005, 03:07 PM:

[b]Rated G [Smile]

Duplicate Post.

[ 02-21-2006, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2005, 03:08 PM:

Rated G

X Marks the Spot

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for more than 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later, the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded: "One chalk mark: $1; knowing where to put it: $49,999."

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2005, 03:11 PM:

Rated G

Wife or Mistress ?

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2005, 11:04 AM:

Rated G

As told by an Austrian engineer;

Three engineers, a Brit, a Frenchman, and an Austrian, were found guilty of treason in a former French-African colony. The sentence was death by guillotine, but the engineers were given a choice of receiving the penalty face-up, or face-down.

The Brit chose face-up and the blade miraculously stopped inches short of his throat. This was seen as a sign from God, and the Brit was set free.

The French engineer also chose face-up, and once again, the blade stopped inches from the throat. Again, a miracle, and the Frenchman was set free.

The Austrian, not to be outdone, chose face-up, but just before the blade was released was heard to proclaim, "Wait a minute, I see the problem." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 06:11 AM:

Rated G

Three guys a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer are working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish,which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says,"I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer,and my son will also farm.I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." Poof! With the blink of the Genie's eye,the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so that no infidels,Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Poof! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

The American engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall".

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out it's virtually impenetrable."

The American engineer says, "Fill it with water." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 10:00 AM:

Rated G B.B.

If a young man becomes a traffic engineer, should he become known as a 'roads' scholar? [Big Grin]

Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-21-2006, 04:32 PM:

Rated G....

Engineers' Conversion Tables

This is pretty heavy scientific stuff......converting units:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11 Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 08:47 PM:

Rated G Lorraine

Since my nephew, a civil engineer, had to spend quite a bit of time on a construction site to supervise the work, he felt that he, like the workers, should wear a safety helmet.

He ordered one, and the company shipped it parcel post. When the package arrived, he wondered if he should really trust the helmet with his safety: the parcel was labelled FRAGILE. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:05 PM:

Rated G Math Trick for Engineers

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that individualis not running the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won 't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2

.............. Do you recognize the answer?

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:46 PM:

Rated G

As project manager for a firm of consulting engineers, I had to keep our field crews supplied with survey stakes.

One day the receptionist advised me a man selling stakes was out front. After he was settled in my office, I told him I'd be interested in an initial purchase of a hundred. His face broke into a wide smile, which was replaced by a puzzled expression when I continued.

We would pay 59 cents each; they must be 36 inches long with a good point at one end and should not break when pounded into the ground.

After a moment's silence he explained he was selling frozen sirloin steaks. [Big Grin]

Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 03-06-2008, 10:03 AM:

It has been 475 days since the last post.

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-06-2008, 10:03 AM:

Rated G

Engineers:

Bubba and Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket,took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a woman!
We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Bubba and Ray are currently doing government work, supervising in Washington, D.C.. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 07:24 AM:

Rated G

10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer

1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.

2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."

3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.

4. We have significant figures.

5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.

6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?

7. Engineers do it to specifications.

8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.

9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.

10. We know the right hand rule. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-18-2008, 01:42 PM:

Rated R Jokester

Software Engineer and His Wife

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the dress?

Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - forget it where's your salary.

Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.

Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.

Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.

Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?

Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?

Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?

Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?

Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - I will go to my dad's house.

Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.

Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.

Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going

Husband - It’s now safe to turn off your computer

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-18-2008, 01:44 PM:

Rated R Jokester

Computer Terms

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

More Accurate Computer Related Acronyms

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI - System Can't See It

DOS - Defunct Operating System

BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM - I Blame Microsoft

DEC - Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW - World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

LOTUS - Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious.

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point, the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it." A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?"

There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: "Fishing off Florida." The smartass laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question."

The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer,

"Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, "Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."