Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don't worry too much, though - the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Some strange "hooting" creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Bring extra. You'll need it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

People will tease you about wearing your golf shoes indoors. Don't you mind them, though -- they're undoubtedly just jealous.
 

July 2, 2002 .

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone will try to pass prawns off as shrimp, today, but you'll be far too clever for them. If anyone knows their crustaceans, it's you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.
 

Wednesday July 3, 2002

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you're not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich. You never tire of the wild life, do you?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of Doug.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

 

You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a "ping" sound rather than a "pop". That's a bad habit, anyway.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you've got "lots of work to do". (And don't let them spot you fondly caressing it.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say "To Friends, Old and New!")

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A project you started a while ago takes on nightmarish proportions, today, as you realize that you've been suckered into a hideous task. Fortunately, you will be able to get out of it by feigning death.

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day...a bad nosehair day.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will discover a little book called "1001 Names For Your Pet". You should probably name your next pet either "Pope John Paul" or "No Clothes On". That way you can say things like "Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again" or "I'm going for a walk with No Clothes On."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you'll catch glimpses of through the open window. You'll know you shouldn't watch, but it's just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to hide an iguana in someone's satchel. They will not be expecting that, so everyone will get a good chuckle out of it.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will see a free floating full torso vaporous apparition! It'll turn out that your glasses are smudged.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Excellent day to just walk down the street, going "Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo". I'd stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You've been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It's something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they'll be laughing outright.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn't say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let's hope not.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will discover that you can raise one eyebrow by itself, but not the other. This will aggravate you, and you'll spend the majority of the day in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to correct the situation.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You'll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an "off" batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There's nothing much you can do about it, I'm afraid.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said "Less is more." He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Paper airplane day, today. Have as much fun as you can stand -- tomorrow will be ugly.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will decide to have a bit of illicit fun, and will slip bits of dry pasta into other people's pockets, shoes, etc., when they're not looking. My advice: don't get caught.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

About your new idea... Sure, I'll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be "fierce". You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you're interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Don't go out today, without a spatula. I can't say more.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Your morning grumpiness and sluggishness will vanish soon, when you discover that the problem was just using the wrong type of deodorant soap. Soon you'll be stepping out of the shower, grinning like an imbecile!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that's a lot more fun than what you'd be doing otherwise.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You'll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he's a "puka", which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he'll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you'll realise that it isn't that likely someone would say "It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink...when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Beware of Doug.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I'm sorry.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.
 

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Uh oh. "Bursting into song day", again. Your friends will avoid you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it's mostly been ok.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this "Globalization". Time to go on a diet!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn't done.
 

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will feel tired and run-down today. This may possibly be because of the marathon you ran yesterday, and the taxi that ran into you near the finish line. Just a guess.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...".
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Angst day, today.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You'll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don't lose hope, though -- while there is no known cure for your condition, there's a team working on it at MIT.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you'll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people's attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Confucious said "Choose a job you love, and you'll never work a day in your life." Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never "worked" a day, himself. I wouldn't take what he said too literally, in your case.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you'll start to worry.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you'll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it's the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Later this week you'll feel much like Scarlet O'Hara did, when she said, "I'll never be hungry again!"
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

More fun with twine, today. Isn't it great!?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will come up with a theory about people - that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That's why I'm on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I'd avoid Alice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Today you'll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60's and 70's, and will change your name to "Sunflower" in protest.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Continue hiding.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you'll have one of those baffling moments when you're sure you spelled a word correctly, but your spelling checker will still complain. Ask someone nearby how they spell it. They'll spell it the same way you do, much to your rolaids.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Remember that silly song The Monster Mash? Beginning today, you will start sounding a lot like the lead singer in that song.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it's what I do).

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as "Watson" and say things like "The game's afoot!". Eventually, you'll be able to reconstruct an entire evening's events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he's behaving strangely, and look concerned.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A Ph.D. degree in parapsychology is in your future. Despite what you may have heard, however, the corresponding career path is not terribly rewarding. You will get to see a lot of furniture move by itself, of course, so that's a plus.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a "squid fling". Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your manager will be a twit, today. That's ok, though -- it's what he's paid for.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night's sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It's a tough life, but someone's got to do it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven't got any. Or whatever - remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
 

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it's always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they're going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is "Svlad". It's something to do.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I'd put your duck on a diet.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone you don't like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble "What?" while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be strangely drawn to an odd glass sculpture in an antique shop. The proprietor will show it to you with some hesitation, and will be visibly perspiring when you buy it. You'll hear an almost anguished sigh of relief from him, as you leave with it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that "breathes". Or, in this case, wheezes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

.syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say "Hay!"

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Remember - every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

It's time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when's the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you're in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you'll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you'll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with "muzac" in the grocery store. It's the beginning of the long slow slide, I'm afraid. Next stop: collecting "nick nacks".
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It's really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you're coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to be callously indifferent to the plight of the masses. You have larger things on your mind than whether the peasants are happy. Oui?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote "Hey nonny, nonny", in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as "classic" rock. Believe me, that's not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the "big elbow" look.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
It's ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They're probably just jealous.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine's armpit.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese's informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will receive a "Dear John" letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn't "John".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won't begin to cover the cost of the dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Nobody will understand you today, and it will be impossible to get the simplest idea across. For example, even such a basic concept as "please untie me and take this gag out of my mouth" will only cause people to stare at you in confusion.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to "Bob", and take up residence with you. Eventually, you'll become best friends.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Beware of clams, today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will realize, today, that there's more than just good manners to the statement: "never yodel with your mouth full".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

This is a good time to remember Einstein's advice, to make things as simple as possible, but no simpler. That applies both to theoretical physics, and in your case, to dinner.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You'll have a nice time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered "egg" in your friend's basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don't worry, though.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
 

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

A tricky situation will arise today, but you will rise to the challenge and draw it to a satisfactory conclusion. Oddly, you will hit upon the right thing to do by suddenly recalling an old Gilligan's Island episode.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

You'll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: "It's fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don't have kids."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours "The Federation Starship Intrepid". And always do that little two-finger wave and say "engage", when you start off, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

You should look into some of that new "dream interpretation" software. That recurring dream about being naked in a hot tub with the Pope and Bill Gates is probably a really common one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, "No matter where you go, there you are." Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

If you want someone to change, it's often good to give them a painful option and a less painful option, and let them choose their own course. For example, "Do you want to pick up you own wet towel, dear, or would you like to have a live weasel stapled to your leg?"
 

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover that you can see people's auras today, if you squint. That should be done in moderation, however, as many people object to being squinted at.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody's ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they're that risky.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

This will be a day filled with tragically many sneezes. At least it'll be a good opportunity to learn how to sneeze "cute".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say "oh! that must be the call I've been waiting for", and dash off.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Today you will learn how to tell the difference between an octopus and a cuttlefish. Aside, that is, from the octopus' greater problem solving capability.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today you will discover that you have no real friends. Or at least, that they don't cast a shadow.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don't be taken in by appearances -- it's actually a mutant from outer space.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

You are always running out of things to say, at dinner. Try memorizing a whole lot of facts about commercial fish farming -- that's always a good topic for discussion.
 

Rated G Wednesday August 21, 2002

. Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You'll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Excellent day to make strange "hooting" noises, while hiding in the bushes.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

This week, you'll discover a trick to make those meetings seem more interesting. Imagine that everyone else has a ferret clinging to their head.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It's just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother's recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You will have a visit from "The Scourge of Valderia". He's thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don't want to cross him.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)

You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

You will hear a strange "clicking" sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don't you think?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)

Today will mark the first time you've ever actually "wrestled" a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)

Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Let's just hope you can somehow keep it that way!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Say something completely ordinary, today, but follow it with "Get it?" and a big grin. For example, "I'm wearing shoes. Get it?" See who gets it. Avoid them.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp - just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though - e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that's fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Seek out new life, and new civilizations, today. Boldly go where no-one has gone before (just don't get caught).

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win". The second law says "you can't break even". The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You are being watched. Act casual (i.e. pretend you are wearing blue jeans and a t-shirt).

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don't have a little yellow rubber duckie, you'll need to get that first, of course.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don't go into the light. The extra point isn't worth it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It's actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you've been waiting for.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you'll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Bad hair day today. In fact, it's quite likely that your hair will actually be arrested.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will develop a passion for Cajun cuisine, and will refuse to eat anything that hasn't been "blackened". Your family will draw the line at blackened corn flakes, however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Angst day, today.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You've heard that when economists use the word "nice", they're actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is "like, totally kewl".

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to excavate. You will find the ruins of an ancient civilization, and become famous.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know - those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you'd been wondering about.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as "Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.


 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to embrace diversity. Wear mismatched shoes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Extremely poor day to use obscure euphemisms or medical metaphors. In particular, avoid "kajoobies" or "shvontz" like the plague.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will casually mention the German term for "exit ramp", and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That's hardly your fault, though, is it?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Beware of men on stilts, today. (I'm sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You'll understand, though, when the "situation" occurs.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don't let them see you during a full moon, however.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will be "on the move", soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will find yourself using a very old spreadsheet program, soon. So old, in fact, that the columns have to be either Doric, Ionic, or Corinthian.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will be seized with the urgent desire to buy a harmonica, which you will take everywhere with you, on one of those coat-hanger thingies around your neck.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You will notice an odd stone "egg" in an antique shop. Don't bring it home. They're very hungry right after they hatch.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today will be mostly OK, except that you'll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase "Careful, filling is hot!".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will invent a new type of automated squid sorter, for use by professional squid fishermen. You will call it the Squid Pro Quo. That will be a mistake.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Due to a bump on the head today, you will lose all memory of what you did with your keys. Or at least, that always makes a dandy excuse.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they're smirking with you, not at you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Things aren't going as well as they should for you. The main thing to do is to find someone else to blame, and move on.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It's just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Another one of those excrutiatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative's motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will build a better mousetrap, but nobody will beat a path to your door. Several people will beat a path to your refrigerator, though, and will make sandwiches.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wallclock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) So. You let your "mole plants" die. Now the moles are back, and this time they mean business. No more Mr. Nice Mole. Try burying a line of eucalyptus cough drops along your property line. If that doesn't work, there's a chance you can buy a nuclear warhead from Ukraine.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Your ancestors were berserkers -- feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally "snap out of it", you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You'll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You'll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) .syas enoyna gniht elgnis a dnatsrednu ot elba eb t'now uoy yadot, ylddO

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Family problems again. It'll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you "Can't Always Get What You Wa-ant", except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with "Ever". Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don't speak English.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone you've never met will come up and nudge you today. You don't have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You'll need to use Tip #39 of my book "101 Ways To Break The Ice": Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as "YOU'RE Bill Smith???" "Uh, yes" "Well, you sure can't believe everything you hear, can you?" "What do you mean?" "Well, it's just that you don't look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all."

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Another excellent day to whittle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as "Frijole-breath" before the day is through.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you'll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee (tm). Eventually, they'll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they've been saying about that for thousands of years, don't you? "Happy Good! Me Like Happy!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don't especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) -- you'll find it's his new hobby

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You'll find that is particularly true, this week.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Deny everything.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will lose all self-control. You'll find it again tomorrow, though -- it just rolled under the couch.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you're going to do something, do it well.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today, by practicing for hours in the mirror, you will finally be able to keep a "stiff upper lip". Much to everyone's surprise, it will prove to be an excellent boost to your career.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I'm not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be "The Screaming Weasels".

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will lose your marbles. Fortunately, someone will find them and return them to you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Someone named "Bob" is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you that you "run funny". Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn't see you throwing a baseball.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that's what you're doing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. You'll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: "Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to learn to play the harmonica. If you get one of those coat hanger thingies to hang around your neck, you can even play it while you're typing!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You'll meet some interesting people that way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will become embroiled in yet another argument about crustaceans today. You will easily trounce your opponent, who will leave in a huff. He's just being crabby, if you ask me.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to go out and play in the mud. Or at least, find some way of making squishy sounds.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Due to your supreme skill at an obscure video game, you will be abducted by aliens, and asked to save their race from anihilation at the hands (roughly speaking) of evil creatures from between the stars.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as "port" and "starboard".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud "smooching" sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying "these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don't they?" I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don't even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I'm Ok, You're A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having "defined" the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will mortally offend a friend today when a hilarious joke pops unbidden into your mind during your friend's sad description of his problems.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to fidget.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be struck by the notion that "Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive". You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrasing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Good day to bring your entrenching tool with you. You never know...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an "evil laugh" and use that instead. Then at least, you'll be able to hear everyone else's nervous laughter.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will write a newspaper article about the Internet today. Why not? Everybody else has.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office "just to chat". Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try to avoid calling anyone a "vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert", today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I've discovered.)

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of clams, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you're an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) After years of study in higher mathematics, and a fiendishly complicated topological proof, you will finally be able to prove that half a loaf is exactly 7.412 times better than no bread.
 

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Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don't know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making "Ark! Ark!" sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let 'em, I say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Remember to bring your entrenching tool with you today. You'll need it. (You know...for the marketing meeting.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) It will seem a great shame to you today, that your little finger has a cute name -- "pinky" -- but none of your other fingers do. That's the sort of thing that very few people besides you really spend much time pondering. They have such limited minds, don't they?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Beware of unwarranted electrical assumptions today. On the other hand, a shower of sparks and a bit of ozone can be fairly exciting...
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Good time to institute "show and tell" at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will invent a new sort of optical illusion today, involving 6 straight lines, an assortment of blobs, and a picture of an iguana. Everyone will gasp in amazement.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don't let it make those annoying "yip yip yip" sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Angst day, today.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Several extremely hungry creatures will look at you strangely, today. Throw them a raisin cookie.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will think of something hysterically funny, but not have anyone to tell it to.

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will combine a therapeutic technique based on rapid eye movement with yoga postures, creating something that looks so silly, passers by will actually fall over laughing.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they're all dead.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called "Goat Herding Made Easy".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn't it?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone's doorstep with a tiny little note reading "Dear Big People...".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Aliens will land in Los Angeles today. Unfortunately, nobody will be able to tell.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) "You dumped the body WHERE?".

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual aquaintances.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Avoid yodelling today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren't you? It's even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination - mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can't find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That's one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to go around "nudging" people.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will go to a Chinese restaurant and decide to try something new. Don't do it! It's not as good as your favorite.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Chaos will ensue, when you are accidentally hit by a motorist, just as a bus full of lawyers specializing in insurance claims is passing by on the way to a conference. The bus will literally erupt into a heaving mass of clawing, screaming, and briefcase-bashing lunatics. Eventually they'll take out a class-action lawsuit against you.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will dredge something up from the collective unconscious, but after a moment's reflection, you will toss it back. Also, you will make an embarrassing sound in mixed company.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Someone will ask "How are you?" for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared - something embarassingly intimate is usually best. "Glad you asked, Bob. I'm having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing..."

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke -- it's just that most people are too shy to admit that they'd rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What's the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you don't start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will find the word "impecunious" popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you'll go look it up in the dictionary.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to hold hands. If you don't currently have a spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend, you can probably find a fake "severed hand" at a magic supplies store. That might be a good thing to pick up in any case? You never know when it might come in handy.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Sometimes you need to take one step back to make two steps forward. In this case, you'll need to go considerably further back.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Beware of iguanas, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will dash up to you today, say "meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!", and then dash off. At least now you'll know how to spell it.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between "kidnapped and tortured" and "wins the lottery". Probably a little of both, I'd guess.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a "briefcase" is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious - such as "Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage". The best reply to this is "Huh?"

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name "Throckmorton". (The plant, not the office. Obviously, "Throckmorton" is a completely inappropriate name for an office. "Wiggins" is a good name for your office, if it doesn't already have a name.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will come across a matchbook that will change your life. Inside the cover it will say "You too can be a criminal mastermind!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) If you're not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial "E." will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won't realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don't understand.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Excellent day to whistle off key. Random starts and stops are also good.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note's author wishes to engage in "snuggle bunnies" with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Don't do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I hadn't realised it already did...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to make Mexican food. Just don't drink the water.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you're sore.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It's not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You're in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel like you can't do anything right today. Unfortunately, it turns out you're right...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good day to begin writing that book you've been planning -- "Growing Radishes Indoors". It's an idea whose time has come.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you -- no arias. The theme song from "The Beverly Hillbillies" will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Most people are aware that it's supposed to be good luck to toss a pinch of salt over your left shoulder. Today you will discover that it's even better luck to toss a carton of yogurt over your right shoulder.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"

Libra (September 22 - October 22) This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You'll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to refer to everyone as "Doctor". This will make them grin, and they'll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Excellent day to study entomology -- particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don't start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won't be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won't really know if you're a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You'll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you... (That part is true.)

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you'll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it's "voluntary", right?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been yodelling in your sleep, again. Is it any wonder that you've been having trouble with your romantic relationships?

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to invest in flowers and a card. Sometimes no occasion is the best occasion. Just like sometimes no disfiguring disease is the best disfiguring disease, I guess.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will discover that you've always had the power to go home, simply by tapping the heels of your bunny slippers together. Unfortunately, as you will also soon discover, it's not your home.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there's a good chance that you might set a new distance record!

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You'll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You've been a little down lately, and it's time to snap out of it! You've got to smell the roses while there's time, since you're not going to live forever. Which is good, since you're already seeing hair in funny places...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: "A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul." Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be attacked and beaten by a group of Nuns. When a baffled pair of mounted urban police drag them off you, they will refuse to say why they were attacking you, and will sulk.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Go wild today! Try a different brand of ramen noodles -- or even go so far as to sprinkle a little chopped green onion over them!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Beware of turnips.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend most of the day attempting to tie knots in a piece of cord, using only your toes. You will be unable to say why, but this will seem like a useful skill to you, at the time.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don't actually know your friend that well yet.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) The phrase "return your tray tables to the upright and locked position" will cycle endlessly through your mind, today. It's not serious. (But you should probably consider cutting down on the honey-roasted peanuts.)

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You'll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbors will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless -- you couldn't possibly hit anything that close with it).

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will develop the extremely rare "Perkin's Disease", and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, "Jim", into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You look rediculous in that. Go and change.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Go nowhere without a flotation device, for a few days. You never know.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Too much "musk" in that cologne - don't try it. Or if you do, bring along a few carrots for the moose.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say "live and let live". But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say "live and let die". Or something.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Yesterday's bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you'll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I'd think.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you'd decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that's over-reacting.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You will be followed by people who look suspiciously like shoe salesmen. Try to remain calm -- they can sense fear.


 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive -- a better offer will soon arrive from a an old highschool friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will get into accounting, "just for the thrill of it".

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that's generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on - you think they'd do that on purpose??)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven't borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn't it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you'll all have a good laugh about it.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will sneak out tonight, with a box of navel oranges under your arm, and grinning an evil toothy grin. When you wake up tomorrow, you will remember nothing about it. That's just the way these things work.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Your relatives may try to have you committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You'll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, "Bob! You're still alive!" (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)

Libra (September 22 - October 22) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He'll pretend it was an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he'll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with "l'orange", and you'll have time to slip out the back way.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Someone will tell you today "Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school." Despite being forwarned, you won't have anything to say.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wonder where idiomatic expressions come from, and whether you can start one yourself. Be careful, though. The first person to say "nothing succeeds like success" must have sounded like a real idiot.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it's easy to get lost in the city -- the twine should help).

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you'll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you're away. You'll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today's political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will finally get the television exposure you've been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying "Down With Gravity!".

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the "Madonna" look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms -- that's always fun.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will be plagued by theological doubts today, and will flirt with the idea of changing your religion. Subconsciously, this is because you're envious of the really cool hats some of the people in other religions get to wear.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Rated G Wednesday October 16, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! "A Comparative Study of Invertibrate Parasites" is not likely to be published. But "A Bucket Full Of Leeches"? Now that's another story.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a "sticky wicker", as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here's a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming "Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!".

Libra (September 22 - October 22) The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Immodium.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You're fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don't have to wear a spacesuit!

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of iguanas, today.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) When's the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he's cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he's a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that's really disgusting.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far...)

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You may be drinking a little bit too much coffee lately. That could explain why everyone else is moving so slowly, or why they say "What was THAT!?" in a verrrrry slow, deep voice, every time you walk by.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Don't forget your towel, today. I usually find I'm less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I'm quite sure nobody will realize you're not paying any attention.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you'll burst out laughing. Later, you'll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn't. It's not your fault, you've been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn't care. Not if they're going to act like that.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of "Villiage Idiot", in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don't even consider a career change, though -- it's a lot harder that it sounds.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will try to alleviate the boredom you feel by making something creative with twine. Fortunately, it will work, but you'll need a lot of twine.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've been getting tired of the same old "look", day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I'll bet people with tattoos never get tired of 'em!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone's carpet, and start making disgusting "huck, huck!" sounds. The joke's on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you'll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that'll hurt.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you've never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as "launch codes", "who's been naughty", or "Snerge". This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker - so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You'll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That's not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
This may be a good time to take up squid farming. Provided that you can figure out what type of hat to wear, that is.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Today you will begin a new hobby: collecting spores, molds, and fungus. You will find it richly rewarding, in a spiritual sense.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you'll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to fritter things away.


 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Your mind will go blank today. You won't mind -- it'll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you'll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will be "mooned" by a cat. Fortunately, you won't notice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will irritate people. In fact, you'll irritate yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Nobody knows the trouble you've seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know - the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will declare war on drugs, today, and will glare menacingly at your pharmacist.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good time to compliment your friends. If you can't think of anything else to say, tell them they're looking "very buff". That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they'll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Terrific day to saunter. Don't let it turn into a mosey, though.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) It's time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A strange package will appear on your doorstep -- a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday's Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign...

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will wake with a start tonight, and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snuffling around in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, that will turn out to be all it is.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Your next fortune cookie will say "See? We told you it taste like chicken!"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) An older friend will avoid you today. Have you considered using any of the vast number of breath-freshening products that are available, these days?

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) The bad news is, you're competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview...

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You'll feel a little tired and run down, today. Just a hunch, but that could explain those tire tracks on your shirt, as well...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you'll get jam on your shirt.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I'd just leave it alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A martian creature named Yg, who is more than ten thousand years old yet has the disposition of a cranky two-year old child, is hiding under your house. That's where the raisin-cookies have been going.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Your slogan for the week should be "Carpe Dium", or "Sieze the Day!". Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to act childish. For example, when's the last time you ordered a drink with a straw, and blew bubbles in it? Or you could pout, if you want. (Be sure to go for good lip extension, though).

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Benjamin Franklin said: "If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some." You're not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don't stand a chance.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it's stranger than you think -- they'll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone "What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?" and they say "Crunchy things?" Soon, you will.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Although you will attempt to thwart your obsession (tying things up with twine) by avoiding twine for the entire day today, it will continue to plague your thoughts. In other words, you will not knot for naught.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it's hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That's how most of them get started.

 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It is a joyous time to vaccuum. Yes, you'll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don't understand? Unfortunately, an evil asian gentleman named "Fu" will kidnap your beloved vaccuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Don't you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway -- that's always fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will watch a lot of TV today. But that's ok, if that's really what you want.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Good day to review what you know about hamsters. I think that's all I should really say, except possibly that it's often considered impolite to see how much food you can pack into your cheeks, when dining out.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. "Who is this 'Al Ninyo' guy," you'll say, "and why don't they just lock him up?"

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you've gone completely whacky. Don't be intimidated, though -- at least you never get distracted and forget that you're holding your leg up behind your head.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Excellent day to tell everyone you know that a "horsepower" is a unit of power equal to 746 watts in the U.S., but which is not quite equivalent to the English horsepower, which is 550 foot-pounds of work per second. Once their eyes glaze over, you can borrow money from them without them even fully realizing it.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will exercise self-discipline. It's about time, too! Your self-discipline was starting to get somewhat portly.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You are about to leave a footprint in the sands of Time. The editors of Time would prefer it if you'd ask permission first.


 

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Happy Frog Day!! Let's hear it for our little amphibious friends!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you'll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you'll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon's Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don't want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor's shrubbery...

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that's not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to "The Mongol Horde", you might take notice.


 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will realize that you've always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) If you love someone, let them go. If you hate someone, grab 'em and hang on like a dog with a stick. Snarl a bit, too -- that's always fairly effective.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they'll try it themselves. Just don't keep it up for too long - you might get "stuck" like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell "equaminity"...er..."equanimbity"...no...hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) This will be "one of those days", I'm afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole...

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will use the phrase "hep-cat daddy-o" one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it...

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn't it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I'd make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will develop a severe craving for peanut butter cookies, today. You know -- the fresh homemade kind, that you squish down on the cookie sheet with a fork, making a cross-hatched pattern? They are incredibly yummy when they're still warm, like that, huh? I don't know where your craving will come from. Possibly something you read.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things "taste like chicken". It's because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone's bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that "sharing" is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them -- unless you think you can get away with it.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, "The Curse Of The Mummy's Nose", told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge "paw prints" around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will be in an extremely stuffy meeting today, which will seem to last forever. You will be able to liven things up a smidge by putting a few small feathers in your hand, and then "coughing" them out.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Once you're that far behind, there's really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a strange turn of events, it will turn out that people wearing glasses not only look smarter, they ARE smarter (and have better memories). You'll forget all about that when you take off your reading glasses, of course.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Be nice to your coworkers today. Cow orkers have a darned tough job, so it's good to make them feel special once in a while.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will tell a total stranger that you're "sick and tired of salad", today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say "I prefer not to talk about it."
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today you will wake up with a nasty crick in your neck, combined with a periodic twinge in your back. Everyone who sees you will be left with the impression that you are being either aloof or spastic (or both). Also, you will spill soup on your best shirt.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There's something alive in there.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified...will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Remember today: two wrongs don't make a right. But three do.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named "Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm". You don't need to read it, but it'll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you'll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will finally figure out what the problem is, with your car! Basically, it has developed a sense of humor.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the "Bob" invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle's career!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you'll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the "Nighty Knight". You should be ashamed of yourself.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You'll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight - shoulders back! That's better.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Beware of midget bookies, today. It's ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You'll find what you need under "Music, Instruction" and under "Cavorting, Instruction". Don't get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though -- they're really only needed by professionals.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble's "How To Get Noticed".)
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoicly endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Beware of celery.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I'm working on the "wacky inventor" hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It's not a look for everyone, however.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will overhear people talking about you today, and realize that you have a reputation as a real stud hombre cyber-muffin. You will find that intensely irritating.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don't notice these things. On the other hand, most people don't spontaneously grow more toes, either.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn't work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will narrowly avoid a collision on the sidewalk today, as a small giggling person runs past you, being hotly pursued by a weeping incoherent person waving a ham sandwich. Aside from that, a pretty typical day.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up knitting, on horseback. Everyone needs an adventure.
 

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be "fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley". Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C'est la vie, non?

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good day to snitch cookies when nobody's looking.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as "Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior", and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Good day to defy convention. Be yourself. Buy a fedora, for example, and wear it indoors.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Secret society day, today. Don't join -- no matter how much you like the secret handshake. Also, good day to swear off pickles.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember: Unexpressed feelings don't die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don't hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won't have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is "Help! Help!"
 

Rated G Monday November 4, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new "fresh" tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don't let it get you down!

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him -- he knows what he's doing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You'll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You didn't sleep well, last night. You won't sleep well, tonight. In fact, chances are very good that you'll be tired and cranky for the rest of your life. Try to think of this as an opportunity to grow, spiritually.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce "this is a Stick Up!". Later, you'll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.
 

Rated G Tuesday November 5, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you'll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you're part of a big "family". Or at least, that's what you'll say.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it "Life In The Details".

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it'd be fun to have.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Try being entirely honest for a week. That's a fine way to develop a clear conscience. Personally, I prefer my method, though -- a poor memory.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more, unless you've paid.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it's a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a "spaz attack", which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) People are starting to take you a bit too seriously. Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will hear a mysterious "whapping" sound as you are passing by a church today. Curiosity will get the better of you, and you will peek inside. To your relief you will discover it's only the nuns, playing a quick game of dodge-ball.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
 

Rated G Wednesday November 6, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You'll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though - there's someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Fortune will smile upon you today! That's what it does when it's just thought up a real corker.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) You've been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You've got to learn to slow down. You're driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word "plumbaginous" in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn't necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You've about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Rated G Thursday November 7, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will finally find your spirit guide today, and your life will take on new meaning. Unfortunately for you, your spirit guide will turn out to have a sense of humor.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Ian McHarg once said, "Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth." You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: "So?"

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will invent a method of making icosahedral ice cubes, today, which everyone will think are really cool.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however - and make sure you don't stray into crustyness.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your car is possessed again, so you should swing by the exorcist on the way to work. I always hate it when mine is repossessed...

Libra (September 22 - October 22) What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It's not like you didn't get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it's your own darned fault, I'd say.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) E-coli. It's what's for dinner!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You've just finished something, but you're starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it -- that way, madness lies.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will realise soon that you've missed your true calling in life -- that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as "Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!", you'll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess"

Rated G Friday November 8, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will design a really wonderful new type of placemat, today, and it will make you fantastically wealthy, providing you get it on the market before your competitors.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they're sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) You are about to burn the roof of your mouth on pizza. It won't be the first time, either.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Try to be logical, today. It's your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your "only hope" was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will seek out new life, and new civilizations. You won't find any, of course, but you will discover a really excellent Chinese restaurant in the process.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will feel an odd compulsion to stack books, symmetrically, in the public library. Try to resist it.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right - in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you'll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today -- your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Another excellent day to whittle.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That's a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.
 

Rated G Saturday November 9, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find that it is true - everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
A careless delivery person will drop an entire case of pills when you are in a pharmacy, today. Did you know that nitroglycerin is still used, sometimes, in the treatment of heart disease?

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to skip. In fact, skipping is good exercise, and I'm certain that if you just get a few friends to go along with you, you can start a cultural movement of just as much importance as running and walking. The main problem, of course, is to figure out what sort of "skipping" shoe Nike is going to come out with.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Noticing a picture on a colleague's desk, you will comment "I've never cared for those hairless cats". That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy...

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss' IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of "Titanic II".

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you'd been wondering about.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
You will be detained by the police today, on suspicion of having removed a tag from a mattress. Eventually they will let you go with just a warning.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That's just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It'll be fun at first, but later you'll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you'll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
Today you will have the eerie sensation that either you are going crazy or you are being watched by something indescribably evil. Luckily for you, you're in fine shape, mentally.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.


 

Rated G Monday November 11, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) A scruffy-looking fellow who you've never seen before will come up and offer you a very strange-looking raisin muffin. Good idea to decline, in this instance.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Your incisors will seem to be getting longer today, and you will find sunlight hurts your eyes. Probably just a cold, and nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today will be a celebration of life, love, and art. Also, the start of a nagging fear that you'll find out something terribly unpleasant while doing your taxes.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You'd be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn't for them.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You'll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you've been trying.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You're having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur's feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Things haven't been going well for you lately, and you're sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You've got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You're almost normal -- LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)...

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) Today's a good day for original thinking and bursts of creativity. Also, not a good day to wear flammable clothing.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say "Buy More Socks!".
 

Rated G Tuesday November 12, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) Yogurt day today. Did you know that some "natural remedies" books recommend squishing yogurt (the kind with active cultures) in your hair, to relieve dandruff? You should give it a try.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you'll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you're in.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it's good to worry your neighbors a bit -- keeps them civil.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will find yourself wondering why a shampoo that "tingles" would be better at preventing dandruff than one which doesn't. It's that sort of intellectual undertaking which has earned you your well-deserved reputation.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I'm sure it's quite nice.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Good day to sleep in. A nap would work well today, too. Try to get to bed early. Aside from that, nothing too exciting today.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, "if you ain't broke, don't fix it."

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting "Hark!" however.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say "bad bush!" in a loud stern tone.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will get together with several friends, and start an extremely exclusive club. Mostly, this will just be so you can have your own secret handshake, of course.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You'll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don't let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
 

Rated G Wednesday November 13, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will accidentally step on someone's foot, and they will say "Ow!". That's when I usually say "No pain, no gain." Sometimes people don't like me. I've never figured out why.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone's been teasing your cat.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You look rediculous in that. Go and change.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky's Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting -- people say it's wonderfully relaxing.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing - so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??

Libra (September 22 - October 22) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn't doing you any good to be jealous, so you'll switch over to envy.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) So, you've decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I'd mention that.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They'll come in handy soon, although I'm not sure how.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.
 

Rated G Thursday November 14, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you're having a "bad hair day".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Vlad The Impaler continues to come up in casual conversation. You might want to consider wearing a silver cross, despite your theological leanings.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You must seize the opportunity that presents itself today, no matter what the consequences may be. Remember: opportunity knocks but once, and absolutely refuses to ring the doorbell.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Today you will be seized by inspiration, and shaken like a rat in the jaws of a terrier. You will wax poetic, assuming that "poetic" is the name of your car.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
What fun! You'll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a "pink slip". Sounds like party attire to me!

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
What ever you do today, don't panic. Remember to bring a towel. Government bureaucracy figures heavily in your life, soon.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Beware of partaking in Zoroastrian rituals, today. Particularly if you're not entirely certain what's involved.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
It's time to start setting higher goals. Don't get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
This week, you are the bug and everyone else is the really huge shoe. Your objective: don't be noticed.


 

Rated G Friday November 15, 2002

Aries (March 21 - April 19) To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It's easy to remember, though -- they are (in order) "big", "small", and "clumsy".

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Good day to let yourself go. Just be back by 10, OK?

Leo (July 23 - August 22) Today you will flip a coin 4 times, and it will come up "heads", "tails", "heads", "heads". Then someone will come up and say "hey, whatcha doing?" Then the phone will ring. Just a coincidence, though, in this case.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Today you will make a bold fashion statement, which will eventually become a trend and sweep the nation. "Executive Grunge", you'll call it.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) Someone will ask you if you'd like some "fresh ground pepper" on your salad. Personally (this may be just a "Ron" thing), I always say "yes" to people carrying a baseball bat, outside a playing field.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they're watching, no matter how boring it is. It's just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don't commit and regret it. It's in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) You will pass a sign that says "invorp" today. Fortunately, you will remember enough Dutch to know that it means "put your fingers in your ears and wiggle them". They are a silly people, the Dutch.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Good day to take up Rap music as a career. Either that or plumbing. (Most people are strangely unaware of the similarities.)
 

Rated G Sunday November 17, 2002:

Aries (March 21 - April 19) You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the "Bulghur Baron". You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone's amazement, you'll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I've won the "International Tiddly Wink Open" three years running.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) You will be followed by an evil-looking man in an old green Ford pickup truck. Surprisingly, it will turn out that following people is just his hobby, and you have nothing to worry about.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) Fungus day today. Interestingly, you will discover that in order to engage in mycological research, you need go no further than your toes...

Leo (July 23 - August 22) After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: "Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies."

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) Excellent day to fidget.

Libra (September 22 - October 22) Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don't worry, though. It's probably nothing.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It's in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It's "prep-something"? Ah! "Preparation"-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it's any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don't worry -- your secret is safe with me!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) Today you will join the political action group "Whiners For Peace", and will call up your senator's office and whine at them. Don't forget to sign up for the big "Pout Out" next month!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) Good day to buy lava lamps at garage sales. Once in a life-time opportunity. Also, if you happen to spot a white 100% polyester leisure suit with bell-bottom pants and a really large lapel, buy it on the spot. I know *I* would love to have one.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a "loan piranha", at first.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone "smile when you say that, buster", for example.
 

Rated G Monday November 18,2002

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Rated G Horoscope Monday December 23, 2002:

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Rated G .........................Monday January 6, 2003:

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Rated G Monday February17,2002;

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Rated G THURSDAY March 20, 2003:

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