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Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 08-29-2002, 03:05 AM:
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly,
you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Posted by Justin McLeod (Member # 1329) on 08-29-2002, 03:33 AM:
That was a pretty good one brad !! Post more !! 
To bad My Post was deleted, the one I heard from the radio 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 05:48 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
What does a Project Manager DO?
Project Managers are a fortunate lot, for, as everyone knows, a project manager has nothing to do; that is, except...
To decide what is to be done;
to tell somebody to do it;
to listen to reasons why it should not be done,
why it should be done by somebody else,
or why it should be done in a different way;
and to prepare arguments in rebuttal that shall be convincing and conclusive.
And then:
To follow up to see if the thing has been done;
to discover that it has not been done;
to enquire why it has not been done;
to listen to excuses from the person who did not do it;
and to think up arguments to overcome the excuses.
And then:
To follow up a second time to see if the thing has been done;
to discover that is has been done incorrectly;
to point out how it shall be done;
to conclude that as long as it has been done it might as well be left as it is;
to wonder if it is not time to get rid of the person who cannot do a thing correctly;
to reflect that in all probability any successor would be just as bad, or worse.
And finally:
To consider how much more simply and better the thing would have been done had he done it himself in the first place;
to reflect satisfactorily that if he had done it himself he would have been able to do it right in 20 minutes and that as things turned out, he himself spent two days trying to find out why it is that it has taken somebody else three weeks to do it wrong.
To realise that such an idea would have a very demoralising effect on the project team, because it would strike at the very foundation of the belief of all employees that a project manager has nothing to do. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2003, 05:52 PM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Perfect Worker
An appraisal for the perfect worker:
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today.Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 08:03 AM:
Rated G
Decoding the Jargon
Here's a set of definitions to help you understand what those Checkpoint Reports are really telling you !
Essentially complete
It's half done.
We predict...
We hope to God!
Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk
100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we'd employ.
Potential show stopper.
The team has updated their resumes.
Serious but not insurmountable problems.
It'll take a miracle...
Basic agreement has been reached.
The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us.
Results are being quantified.
We're massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.
Task force to review.
Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
Not well defined at this time.
Nobody's even thought about it.
Still analysing the requirements.
See previous answer.
Not well understood.
Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore.
Requires further analysis and management attention.
Totally out of control!
Results are promising
Turned power on and no smoke detected -- this time...
Elements will be phased in gradually as the software interface matures
It's late!
Unacceptable stretching-out of the time scale
It's late!
Still in the early phase of the learning curve
New
The requirement was changed and the programme concluded
Cancelled
Experiencing transient malfunctions
Going wrong
Conceptually configured in several variations
Modified
A structured interface with the government on an inter-departmental basis.
Money!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 08:14 AM:
Rated G
Project Management Proverbs
It takes one woman nine months to have a baby. It cannot be done in one month by impregnating nine women.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have to do it.
You can con a sucker into committing to an impossible deadline, but you cannot con him into meeting it.
At the heart of every large project is a small project trying to get out.
The more desperate the situation the more optimistic the situatee.
A problem shared is a buck passed.
A change freeze is like the abominable snowman: it is a myth and would anyway melt when heat is applied.
A user will tell you anything you ask, but nothing more.
Of several possible interpretations of a communication, the least convenient is the correct one.
What you don't know hurts you
There's never enough time to do it right first time but there's always enough time to go back and do it again.
The bitterness of poor quality lasts long after the sweetness of making a date is forgotten.
I know that you believe that you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant.
What is not on paper has not been said.
A little risk management saves a lot of fan cleaning.
If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you haven't understood the plan.
If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you ever tried.
Feather and down are padding, changes and contingencies will be real events.
There are no good project managers - only lucky ones.
The more you plan the luckier you get.
A project is one small step for the project sponsor, one giant leap for the project manager.
Good project management is not so much knowing what to do and when, as knowing what excuses to give and when.
If everything is going exactly to plan, something somewhere is going massively wrong.
Everyone asks for a strong project manger - when they get them they don't want them.
Overtime is a figment of the naïve project manager's imagination.
Quantitative project management is for predicting cost and schedule overruns well in advance.
The sooner you begin coding the later you finish.
Metrics are learned men's excuses.
For a project manager overruns are as certain as death and taxes.
Some project finish on time in spite of project management best practices.
Fast - cheap - good - you can have any two.
There is such a thing as an unrealistic timescale.
The project would not have been started if the truth had been told about the cost and timescale.
A two-year project will take three years, a three year project will never finish.
When the weight of the project paperwork equals the weight of the project itself, the project can be considered complete.
A badly planned project will take three times longer than expected - a well planned project only twice as long as expected.
Warning: dates in a calendar are closer than they appear to be.
Anything that can be changed will be changed until there is no time left to change anything.
There is no such thing as scope creep, only scope gallop.
A project gets a year late one day at a time.
If you're 6 months late on a milestone due next week but really believe you can make it, you're a project manager.
No project has ever finished on time, within budget, to requirement
Yours won't be the first to.
Activity is not achievement.
Managing IT people is like herding cats.
If you don't know how to do a task, start it, then ten people who know less than you will tell you how to do it.
If you don't plan, it doesn't work. If you do plan, it doesn't work either. Why plan!
The person who says it will take the longest and cost the most is the only one with a clue how to do the job.
The sooner you get behind schedule, the more time you have to make it up.
The nice thing about not planning is that failure comes as a complete surprise rather than being preceded by a period of worry and depression.
Good control reveals problems early - which only means you'll have longer to worry about them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
Top 10 Reasons NOT to Use Project Management
10. Our customers really love us, so they don't care if our products are late and don't work.
9. I know there is a well-developed project management body of knowledge, but I can't find it under this mess on my desk.
8. All our projects are easy, and they don't have cost, schedule, and technical risks anyway.
7. Organising to manage projects isn't compatible with our culture, and the last thing we need around this place is change.
6. We aren't smart enough to implement project management without stifling creativity and offending our technical geniuses.
5. We might have to understand our customers' requirements and document a lot of stuff, and that is such a bother.
4. Project management requires integrity and courage, so they would have to pay me extra.
3. Our bosses won't provide the support needed for project management; they want us to get better results through magic.
2. We'd have to apply project management blindly to all projects regardless of size and complexity, and that would be stupid.
1. We figure it's more profitable to have 50% overruns than to spend 10% on project management to fix them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2003, 09:26 AM:
Rated G
Motivation and Morale
Once upon a time, a British company and a Japanese company decided to have a competitive boat race on the River Thames. The Japanese won by a mile.
The British firm became very discouraged and morale sagged. Senior Management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found and a project team was set up to investigate the problem and recommend the appropriate action.
Their conclusion: the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. The British team had one person rowing and eight people steering. Senior Management immediately hired a consultant company to do a study of the British team's structure. Millions of pounds and several months later they concluded that too many people were steering and not enough rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese next year, the team structure was changed to four 'Steering Managers', three 'Senior Steering Managers' and one 'Executive Steering Manager'. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a key performer.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. The British company laid off the rower for poor performance, sold off the oars, cancelled all capital investment for new equipment and halted development of a new boat, gave high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to Senior Management.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
Top 20 Management Terminologies
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
ALL NEW - Not interchangeable with the previous design.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - It finally worked!
LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.
ITS IN TESTING RIGHT NOW- we have no idea how to do this.
WE ARE USING FOCUS GROUPS EXTENSIVELY- Maybe they know how its done.
OUR ONLY OPTION IS TO REENGENEER THE PROCESS- How else can we justify firing most of the existing staff without looking like complete idiots.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 12:35 PM:
Rated G
Management Rhetoric
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:
You'll be making under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:
You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:
Somebody in operations claims that we have finally written our first piece of software that doesn't freeze up the computer. When we find out what the program actually does, we will be ahead of Microsoft on 2 counts!
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:
Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:
Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but that's because the boss dated the editor-in-chief.
IMMEDIATE OPENING:
The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions (hell, we are not really sure if they would understand the question)
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:
After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:
...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We are frankly not sure if this refers to the fact that we have a lot of turnover, or to the parking lot at quitting time.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:
Overweight guys in gray suits will bore you with tales how it used to be.... between the meetings run by the outside "facilitators" (who were formerly known as consultants until their knowledge became completely outdated).
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:
We all listen to nutty motivational tapes...provided by those facilitator types.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We have some of the most clueless executives around. Watching them attack a simple problem will have you laughing so hard that it will bring tears to your eyes.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:
We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
Knowing the right thing to say at the right time, especially when no one has a clue of what's really going on is a skill that is required more often than not.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:
We'll offer you $22k to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:
You'll be sitting in the first desk in the open area next to the elevator.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
You get to chose which 72 hours a week you work, and we will pay you for the last 40.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around. We will keep to this approach until we find out which activities actually are related to positive outcomes!
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:
Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:
Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or world history.. then we're not really sure if you are qualified to do a job a six grader can master in 20 minutes. Besides with the proper education, you will certainly be smart enough not to ask questions that your immediate boss can't answer, and his boss doesn't even understand.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect, because the overweight gentleman with the management title hasn't got a clue of what needs to be done.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what is needed, do it, and explain to them why what you have done, is really what they asked for.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:
We loooooove brown-nosers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 12:50 PM:
Rated G
The Newest Office Lingo
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Ego Surfing: Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.
Elvis Year: The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."
404: Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.
Perot: To quit unexpectedly, as in "My cellular phone just perot'ed."
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Touriststheir jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired.
Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 01:12 PM:
Rated G
The Boss & I
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he is too busy.
When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, he's showing initiative.
When I please my boss, I'm kissing up.
When my boss pleases his boss, he's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
But regardless of all else....
The Boss is always the Boss!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 08:53 PM:
Rated G
The Corporate Zodiac
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree", you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture". You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...
ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, AND mail a letter!
MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/ DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/ "TEAM LEADS": Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."
CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service". Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
CONSULTANT: 666
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2003, 09:07 PM:
Rated G
Twenty New Management Styles
1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES
These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.
2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW
These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out
of the windows.
3) MANAGING BY POST-IT'S
Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-it's while you are talking.
4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY
These managers just delegate everything to the secretary. If He is good, He knows what she must do.
5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING
These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with nice anecdotes of irrelevant cases.
6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING
These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them: They will always have something to talk about.
7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION
Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all. Beware of simulants from category 5!
8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS
These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they got more work to do.
9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS
In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.
10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS
If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your career anymore.
11) MANAGING BY STUDYING
Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from
the practice.
12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS
Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows, boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.
13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM
This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.
14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS
This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.
15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE
In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.
16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS )
This management style is ATRASACWOC. ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication )
17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS
These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.
18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION
If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.
19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING
These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.
20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES
If you remind them to one of their promisses, the priority of that promise is to low to remember:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 08:19 AM:
Rated G
Multiple Job Openings For Web Designers
Available Immediately Thirty-nine positions at Higher Source, a web site development and production house.
Our business has really taken off like a comet and we now have quite a few positions to fill. The individuals at the core of our group have worked closely together for over 20 years.
During those years,each of us has developed a high degree of skill and know-how through personal discipline and concerted effort.We try to stay positive in every circumstance and put the good of a project above any personal concerns or artistic egos. By sustaining this attitude and conduct,we have achieved a high level of efficiency and quality in our work.This crew-minded effort,combined with ingenuity and creativity,has helped us provide advanced solutions at highly competitive rates.
Based in Rancho Santa Fe, California (near San Diego),we provide excellent opportunity for advancement to a higher place.In fact all of our employees have recently been promoted.We provide free clothing,Nike tennis shoes,pudding,applesauce and vodka.You must supply your own Phenobarbital. Every employee is issued a large purple cloth,the purpose of which will become clear.Free haircuts too. No experience is necessary. We will train you to work and think within our business model.ID is required.
Abduction experiences a plus.
We are looking for real team players.
Please send resumes to www.bunchowackos@highersource.com
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 12:08 PM:
Rated G
The Three Biggest Corporate Lies
3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.
2 Biggest Marketing Lies:
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 12:10 PM:
Rated G
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Old accountants never die; they just lose their balance.
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Old underwriters, on the other hand, just take less risks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 12:12 PM:
Rated G
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The only way to tell if a broker is lying is to check if his lips are moving.
On the other hand,insurance company executives don't lie... they really just don't know what the the truth is!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 08:41 AM:
Rated PG
A Shocking Story
At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.
The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day.
An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.
He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration.
A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine.
It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 08:49 AM:
Rated G
A Dead Horse: Reflections On Business Today
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse."
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead."
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is "better, faster and cheaper" dead.
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 08:54 AM:
Rated G
Your Guide To Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents said they never had fax when we were young and had to write to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. I this legal?
A. Yes!!! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need for fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to ensure safe faxing.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly use the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over; most people don't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
Best Excuses When Caught Napping In Your Cubicle
1. It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
2. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
3. This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.
4. I was working smarter-not harder.
5. Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.
6. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
7. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
8. I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.
9. I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made us attend.
10.This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
11. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress.
12. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
13. The coffee machine is broken...
14. Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without my hands.
15. The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 12:33 PM:
Rated G Stan in Miami
A traveler wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop.This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source.
The sign in the shop read:
Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb
Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb
Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb
Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb
Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted,"My those insurance executives' brains must be something!"
To which the butcher replied,"Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 08:01 AM:
Rated G
Employee Handbook
UPDATED EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK
DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and
therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress poorly,you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer
clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.If you dress
in-between,you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor,you are able to come to work.
PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturday & Sunday.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work.There is nothing you can do for dead friends,relatives or co-workers.Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. Atthe end of three minutes,an alarm will sound,the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch,because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company.We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore,allquestions,comments,concerns,complaints,frustrations,irritations,aggravations,insinuations,allegations,accusations, contemplations,consternation,and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2004, 01:29 PM:
Rated XX
It has come to the attention of upper management that the shit
we've been passing down to middle management has not been getting properly prioritized.Thus we have come up with the following company standards.There are now four official categories of shit...
Bullshit: One of us had nothing better to do and so this shit was created.This must receive the highest priority as until we find something better to do,we will be giving this shit our full
attention.
Holy Shit: Actually this should receive the highest priority as it is the shit created when one of us has gotten a bug up his or her ass.
No Shit: This is shit you already know, but with minor quibbling
variations. Give it your full attention as we will quiz you on
this shit.
Little Shit: Okay, this is the stuff that should be on the top
of your shit list. It comes from recently promoted upper
managers looking to emphasize the importance of their new
positions. As their egos are riding on the priority you give to
their shit, giving it highest priority is the best way to keep
them from sulking which could cause a drop in their shit
production.
All shit _will_ fit one of these categories except for shit that
doesn't.Shit that doesn't fit a category is meaningless shit,
which is of course the most important shit of all.Failure to
adhere to these standards which have been designed to help you get your shit together will result in you being shit out of luck.
Your cooperation is appreciated,
Philip M. O'Magnesia
King Shit
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2004, 09:32 AM:
Rated G
A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun.
Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 03:25 PM:
Rated G
Management always has to have the last word.
Case in point: During a meeting at our financial consulting firm, a co-worker was asked to guesstimate a realistic closing rate for the larger cases we were handling.
"I'd have to say 20 percent," he answered.
"No, no, no," Interrupted our boss. "It's more like one in five!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 07:04 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived a blind little bunny and a blind little snake. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny."
"Oh thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and very smooth, you have a forked tongue, and no backbone. I'd say you must be either a politician, a lawyer, or someone in upper management."