This is topic Advice in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://ft-forum.com/ft/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=000101
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 12:48 PM:
Rated PG 
DEAR ABBY
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he's a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker, but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he just denies it all. Then he admits he was wrong, and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he's a cheat. What should I do?
Dear Frustrated, You should dump him. Now that you are a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore. 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 12:50 PM:
Rated R 
KING ARTHUR
King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the great wizard was showing him his latest creation. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place which made it basically useless.
"This is no good, Merlin!" the King exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect my lady, the Queen, when I'm on a long quest?"
"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."
After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon a lengthy Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection.
Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir Galahad.
"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "You are my one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours."
But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 12:54 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor:
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 03:37 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor,
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea markets. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 08:21 PM:
Rated X Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2002, 08:26 PM:
Rated G
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 03:30 AM:
Rated X Dear Advisor
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 09:17 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor
Q: Should I have sex on the first date ?
A: YES. Before if possible.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 09:22 PM:
Rated X
Dear Advisor,
Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex ?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 09:28 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor,
Q: How long should the sex act last ?
A: There is no average time, but anything over two minutes is good. Anything under that and you may be rushing your man. After your man has finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out--while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 09:31 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor,
Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after the lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2002, 09:33 PM:
Rated X Dear Advisor,
Q: Does the size of the penis matter ?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and, if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank you lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and buying him an expensive gift.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2002, 12:14 PM:
Rated X DEAR ABBY
I am a Marine stationed at Camp Pendleton in Oceanside, CA. My parents live in the suburb of Los Angeles and one of my sisters, who lives in the San Fernando Valley is married to a transvestite.
My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are Prostitutes in San Francisco.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non parole life sentence in San Quentin for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other currently being held in County jail in Los Angeles on charges of incest with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the Long Beach and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a Democrat supporter?
Signed,
Worried about my reputation
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2003, 08:40 AM:
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Dr. Barton
Advice for Women
OK, babes. It's difficult for me to be hard on you because I love you so. But somebody has to, because you were trained since you were knee-high to a Lee Press-on Nail that you aren't important and that your self-worth is determined by the men you can attract and keep.
It just isn't so! Men should be a hobby--a fun preoccupation! Not the center of your universe or even of your day. Just remember the next time your feet hurt in those three-inch heels or the next time you cut yourself shaving or the next time you get crotch sag in your nylons.... you've got better things to do! So go do 'em.
Question?:
So you've exchanged phone numbers. He told you he would call you, and you don't mind that one bit.
I hope when you scribbled your name and number on the back of that drugstore receipt that you didn't dot your "i" with a little heart. And I hope you checked the front of the receipt to make sure there were no items like "Compound W" or "Summer's Eve Disposable Douche" on it. Well, don't worry about that now, it's already done. If you're lucky he can't even read.
How do you spend the first days following the exchange of phone numbers?
A. You get your hair done, your legs waxed, and at least three new outfits. Then you race home to wait by the phone for his call.
B. You make sure you leave your answering machine on, maybe obsess a teensy weensy bit about how your voice sounds on the outgoing message, and go about your business.
C. Wait a day or two and then give him a call.
D. Call him about 14 times and then hang up to see if he's home and just not calling you.
E. The answer to this question is just not in the handbook.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2003, 08:43 AM:
Rated PG Dr. Barton
Advice for the Men
Now reach behind you and feel right in the small of your back. There should be a switch there to turn off your testosterone. Just flip the switch for the remainder of your visit here or we will get nothing done. I promise you, you will not grow breasts in the few minutes you will spend reading this sage advice.
Question?:
So you've exchanged phone numbers. You've told her you will call her. Hopefully, you didn't do something silly like tell her the exact time or even the day that you were going to call, because you're setting yourself up to look like a loser when you chicken out or when you get so into the box of buffalo wings you were making that you forget. Cut yourself some slack and don't say when you're going to call.
When do you call?
A. The minute you get home.
B. A day or two later.
C. A week or so. And you make sure to sound apathetic when you do call.
D. I have no clue. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 06:41 AM:
Rated G
Dear Abby:
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Sam
Dear Sam,
Yes, Run for public office.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 10:04 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Lorraine
DEAR ABBY:
I'm writing you and your sister Anne,
If you can't help me, perhaps she can.
I met this gal I want to marry
But telling my folks is going to be hairy.
She's a former lady of the night,
She gave it up, when she learned to fight.
She's heavy-weight champion of the state.
She's the kind of girl I want for mate.
She won her title by judges' decisions,
In both the women's and men's divisions.
She's the world-wide Jell-O wrestling champ,
She teaches art at a nudist camp.
I only know her folks by mail,
'Cause right now they are both in jail.
Her brother too, is doing time.
He didn't know arson was a crime.
Her body's such a pretty sight
And all her tattoos are spelled right.
She wears a tiny silver rose,
On the ring that's through her nose.
She always sleeps 'til noon each day,
Then goes to class at the double A.
My family knows about all that,
But how can I tell them she's a Democrat?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2003, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Louise
A Letter To Dr. Ruth
Dear Dr. Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problems.It seemsI have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years.
He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing, ironing, washing dishes, sweeping,etc.I would like to know if ttthhhheere i~~~s annnny**8ttthhhhiiinnnggxx@@&&& I caaaannn d000000 t&&&$$$###@@@o ssssttoop ttttthhhiisss fr ommmm ~~~~~*** hhaappenning????><><^^^++===//
SSSiiiNNNccceeerllyy, MMMMM~~YYYYYeeerrr``````ahaaa.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 06:42 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it.-Leo Aikman
The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.-Jimmy Johnson
If you haven't all the things you want,be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want.-Anon.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.-Mary Hirsch
Well done is better than well said.-Benjamin Franklin
"The best angle from which to approach any problem is the try- angle.-Anon.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 07:26 AM:
Rated G B,B,
Positively Negative.
We drank for joy and became miserable.
We drank for sociability and became argumentative.
We drank for sophistication and became obnoxious.
We drank for friendship and became enemies.
We drank to help us sleep and awakened exhausted.
We drank for exhilaration and ended up depressed.
We drank for "medical reasons" and acquired health problems.
We drank to help us calm down and ended up with the shakes.
We drank to get more confidence and became afraid.
We drank to make conversation flow more easily, but our words came out slurred and incoherent.
We drank to diminish our problems and saw them multiply.
We drank to feel heavenly and ended up feeling like hell.
(Ann Landers was asked recently to reprint a poem about alcoholism she had shared years ago.She obligated,saying that "it is one of my favorites." )
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 11:29 AM:
Rated G : Michele
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out.Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity,language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I never could trust.He cheats so much,I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost,but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around,and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.Why would a boy who was raised in a Good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world.I've seen it.Now,how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years.He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't,and he did it.
[ 05-20-2005, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 03:31 PM:
Rated G
While attending an embassy reception one evening,famed syndicated columnist Ann Landers was approached by an overbearing senator.
"So you're Ann Landers," he said. "Say something funny."
"You're a politician," Landers replied. "Tell me a lie!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:41 AM:
Rated G
DEAR ABBY: I don't have a problem. I just want to know why do so many weird people write you? -- BAFFLED
DEAR BAFFLED: I don't know. Why did you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:30 PM:
Rated G
Old Farmer's Advice
Life ain't about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don't just happen overnight.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm, 'cause the colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every mornin'.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 11:12 AM:
Rated XXX
If Dear Abby Was A Man:
Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he may not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior -- and it should be encouraged. Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior to him.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing -- your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex can be very embarrassing for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Many women can't find their own clitoris so how do you expect your man to find it? Your clitoris belongs to you. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at the local flea market. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love -- we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is like running a marathon for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay is very important. If your man seems uninterested it means that you do not love your man as much as you should because he has to work so hard to get you in the mood. Reread the question about Oral Sex above for suggestions and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband hardly ever gives me an Orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is so intense it can happen only once a year Be patient. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present......and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 01:59 PM:
Rated PG TheWhiteRabbit
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, And when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows He cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy big cigars and cruise around and shoots the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 08:25 AM:
Rated G
Mistakes we make in Life.
When you discover, that you have made a mistake, it's best to correct it as best as possible, learn from it, and move on with your life.
Thanks to: John Dilliow
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 04-08-2008, 10:34 AM:
It has been 779 days since the last post.