This is topic Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2002, 01:03 PM:
Rated G 
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping they did when they were younger.
When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need.
She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.
It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps.I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any,
if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible.
No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
This was written by the deceased husband of a friend of mine! He mysteriously passed on shortly after writing this. The cause of death is still under investigation. 
[ 07-23-2005, 12:25 PM: Message edited by: Adam Martin ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2002, 12:03 AM:
Rated G A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, he doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him."
"Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs."
"Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2002, 08:54 AM:
Rated PG
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she thinks.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Finally, muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and immediately begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks that maybe the ribbon will work on him too. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! She then sleeps soundly.
He wakes in a drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
"I don't know where we were or what we did but, by damn, we took 1st and 2nd place!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2002, 07:52 PM:
Rated G There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings.
Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.
And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.
Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke... "Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2002, 08:17 PM:
Rated PG UNDER ARREST
A female police officer in Vancouver, Canada pulled over an obviously drunk driver.
"You are under arrest," she said to the driver. "Anything you say can -- and will -- be held against you."
"Boobs," replied the driver.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2002, 10:14 AM:
Rated G The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say,'There's Jennifer;she's a lawyer,'or'That's Michael. He's a doctor."
Little Johnny at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2002, 01:07 PM:
Rated G An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.It would be a hard decision to make,as they were equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:
"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied,"Could you jack off? I feel like shit."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2002, 06:57 AM:
Rated G Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2002, 08:37 AM:
Rated G Interesting Facts.........
Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
~Source Unknown~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2002, 10:23 PM:
Rated X
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife,bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you're cute!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2002, 07:27 AM:
Rated R =======================================
HEAVENLY REASON
Queen Elizabeth & Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there is some particular reason why she should go to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen drops her skirt and panties and takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it. The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged. "What is that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"
"Sorry Dolly", says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats two of a kind."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2002, 07:33 AM:
Rated X A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks." 
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2002, 07:26 AM:
Rated G During a dinner party, the hosts' two small children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.
The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left.
During a moment of silence at the table, one of the children was heard to say, "You see, it is vanishing cream!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 04:31 PM:
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither.I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained,"I like men and I like cars,so that is how I got my name.What's your name?"
"Beerpussy," the man replied. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2002, 07:39 PM:
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
BUTCHER DANCE
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborate on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborate. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborate."
"Oh, well, how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'till you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'till you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'till you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'till reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'till next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 07:00 AM:
Rated R
Three Hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy is my wife dumb. She's so stupid that she went shopping today and bought an air-conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"
Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing, my wife's dumber than that! She went shopping yesterday and had a washing machine delivered." They all laughed and laughed, why nobody around here has plumbing!
The third Hillbilly said, "Well, I reckon my woman's got to be the dumbest. Just this morning I was looking in her purse for some change and found six condoms. Hell, she ain't got no pecker." ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 07:08 AM:
Rated G
The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls...
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."
Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 08:42 PM:
Rated PG
“1040 Mistake"
Called in for an audit, the young man was confronted by a surly IRS agent.
"It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor -- yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied,"Yup, it surely was."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 09:31 AM:
Rated G
If you know the Bible-even a little-you'll find this hilarious!It comes from a Catholic elementary school.
Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments.The following statements about the Bible were written by children.They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e.,incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off
2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was
called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark which the animals come on to
in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night..
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times.
14. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
23. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 10:29 AM:
Rated G
GOING CRAZY WITH CONFUSION
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a
patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us,fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my
step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 12:02 PM:
Rated X
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin, no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me." ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 01:18 PM:
Rated G ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
Fisherman
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village.
An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the fisherman.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the tourist.
The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The tourist asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs...I have a full life," replied the fisherman.
The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the tourist.
"And after that?" asked the fisherman.
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," laughed the tourist. "When your
business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fisherman.
The tourist answered, "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 03:00 PM:
Rated PG
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 05:12 PM:
Rated PG
The Clever Blonde
A young little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mom and said:
"Mommie, today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!That's good, idn-nit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blonde."
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and said: "Mommie, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K ! That's good, idn-nit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blonde, Mommie?'"
"Yes darling it's because you're blonde."
Next day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommie, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D breasts at her Mom. "Is
that because I'm blonde, Mommie?"
"No darling, it's because you're 25."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
OH, THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY
This Will Make You Feel Brilliant!
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another"
--George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"We don't necessarily discriminate.We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2002, 08:20 AM:
Rated XXX
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep.and says,"Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kindof language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I meanwhat kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is usingvulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?" ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2002, 11:36 AM:
Rated PG
Massive Internal Fart!
Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction:
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!"
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths,"I instructed.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."
He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left."
Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered.
I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?" asked the doctor.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled, "KY Jelly"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 10:47 AM:
Rated X
A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says
"No, my father said I don't have to do this."
Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted
children."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2002, 10:57 AM:
Rated R Brought back by JJ on the Left Coast
Subject: THE COMEBACK
A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam."Now class,I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,or a death in your immediate family,but that's it.No other excuses whatsoever."
A smartass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is finally restored,the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,shakes her head,and sweetly says,"Well,I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
It took 15 minutes for the class to come to order...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2002, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor.
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."
The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?"
"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."
When he returned the third day he humphed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself.
Sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:
. . . "Gone, But Not for Cotton."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2002, 08:29 AM:
Rated R
A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:25 PM:
Rated R
A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300."
"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."
"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."
"That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:29 PM:
Rated X
Little Johnny is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something."
Johnny was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Johnny replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up."
Johnny's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home."
When Johnny's father got home, Johnny's mum told him to ask Johnny what he had learnt today. When Johnny told him the whole story, dad said, "Johnny, go outside and get me a switch." Johnny replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2002, 09:05 AM:
Rated R
A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"
The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.
Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.
Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.
"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2002, 10:02 AM:
Rated R
One Christmas long,long ago,Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.There was one problem after another that year;a few of the best elves came down with the flu,and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule.
When he went to harness the reindeer,he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere.He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs.Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say,this stressed poor Santa even more.
Then,when he began to load up the sleigh,one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming,Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard,he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor.Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door.He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree.The angel said,"I'm running late,where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?"
AND.....that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2002, 11:25 AM:
Rated G
GOOD-BYE MOTHER!
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.Thinking nothing of it,he ignored her and continued on.Finally he went to the checkout line,but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me,"she said,"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel
uncomfortable.It's just that you look just like my son,who I haven't
seen in a long time.""That's a shame,"replied the young man,"is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes,"she said,"as I'm leaving,can you say'Good bye,Mother!'It would
make me feel so much better."
"Sure,"answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving,he called out,"Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter,he saw that his total was $127.50."How can that be?" he asked,"I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her,"said the clerk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2002, 07:39 AM:
Rated PG
ELDERLY WEDDING
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes".
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist:
"We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-23-2002, 06:07 PM:
Rated R
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie.
When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture.
The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group
sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said,
"I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2002, 02:15 PM:
Rated G
Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 11:23 AM:
Rated PG
Corruption
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2003, 02:28 PM:
Rated G ................ TALKING CLOCK
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.
"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.
"It’s a talking clock," the man replied.
"How's it work?" the friend asked.
"Watch,"the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.
Suddenly,someone screamed from the other side of the wall,
"Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 05:15 AM:
Rated G
Divorce[/b]
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have
to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five
years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father
says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about
this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take
care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at
her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single
thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll
both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU
HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 05:34 AM:
Rated G
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2003, 11:02 AM:
Rated G JJ on The Left Coast - This Reminder
1957 Remember this?
Even if you don't remember, this will make you think!
The following were some comments made in the year 1957:
(1) "I'll tell you one thing,if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00."
(2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one."
(3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price,I'm going to quit.A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
(4) "Did you hearthe post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
(5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1,nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
(6) "When I first started driving,who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage,"
(7) "Kids today are impossible.Those ducktail hair cuts make it
impossible to stay groomed.Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls,"
(8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it."
(9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
(10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President."
(11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.They are even making electric typewriters now."
(12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
(13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
(14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more,those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat."
(15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
(16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress."
(17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
(18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel."
(19) "No one can afford to be sick any more,35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 04:26 PM:
Rated G
How To Wash The Cat!
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely, The DOG
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 02:55 PM:
Rated G
Sleeping at your desk?
Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
10."They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken."
2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."
And the number one best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:
1. " ... in Jesus' name, Amen."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 06:39 AM:
Rated PG
One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her parents, and they wereappalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter asideand confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very
nice."
"Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice,why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 06:39 PM:
Rated G
TGIF
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F"?.
He smiled at her and replied,"S-H-I-T".
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 06:45 PM:
Rated G
Country Law
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.
The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.
The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 07:25 PM:
Rated PG
Life is tougher if you are Stupid
Submitted by JC.
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me "Do you know how much this is?" and I said to her" I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and
left. She had no clue to what had just happened..... MAKES YOU
WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!!!
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there
and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
IDIOTS AT WORK... Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS... My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE: I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 07:29 PM:
Rated PG ................Georgia Pool Party
A rich white guy in Georgia decided he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the token black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the rich white dude said "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of the rich white dude's mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!
Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Japanese Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the bottom like a K-mart goldfish Leroy then slowly climbed out
of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the rich white guy says "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."
"No, that's okay. I don't want it.", said Leroy.
The rich white dude said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it.", answered Leroy
The white dude said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
The white dude said "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
The brother said "no".
The confused rich white guy said "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"
Leroy said "I want the name of the muthafucka who pushed me in the pool.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2003, 07:48 PM:
Rated R ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Suspicious Wife
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife.
The wife is fuming. She says to the maid... Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and the gunshots, then more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: But there's no pool here.
A long pause.
Wife: Is this 832-4821?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 08:47 AM:
Rated G ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
If operating systems were beer...
*** DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
*** Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
*** Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.
*** OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.
*** Windows 95 Beer: The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.
*** Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
*** Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
*** AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
*** VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that it's proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2003, 02:40 PM:
Rated G
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2003, 10:59 AM:
Rated G
Teaching the child
As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2003, 03:16 PM:
Rated G
Lack of Sleep
For a couple years I've been blaming it on too much pressure,earwax buildup, iron-poor blood, but now I found out the real reason:we're tired because we're overworked,and here's why:
The population of this country is 273 million.
140 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school,
Which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government,
Leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces,
Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments
That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals,leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now,there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
. . and you're sitting on your butt, at your computer, reading jokes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 01:34 PM:
Rated G
A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2003, 03:06 PM:
Rated X
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her beaver. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked, What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off? The wife replied, you have me all turned on now, how about finishing the job?
The husband said, Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 07:56 AM:
Rated G
Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!" ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 06:04 AM:
Rated G
You are driving along in your car on a wild,stormy night,when you pass by a bus stop,and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or woman) you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to,knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.................
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first;or you could take the old friend because she once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him or her back.However,you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him or her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However,the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery,have sex with the perfect man/woman against the bus stop and drive off with the old friend for some
beers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 09:37 AM:
Rated G
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertable ahead of us stood up and waved.She was stark naked.
As I was reeling from the shock,I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,"Mom ! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 10:23 AM:
Rated X ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
A man walks into a bar one night.He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny!?" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,with fries,peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir,"replies the bartender,"but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!"exclaims the guy."Where's the guy who owns this
place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 11:05 AM:
Rated G
Kids Advice on Love and Marriage
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age,you don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and a VCR,'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.' (Darby,7)
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.I'm just a kid.I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen,8)
HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVETYPICALLY BEHAVE?
"Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their
tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger,9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they
paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down
the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
(John, age 9)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' are on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
(Alonzo,9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE??
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts
are...on fire." (Christine , 9)
HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel
warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or
fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
(Julia, age 7)
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you." (Doug, 7)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7)
"Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash." (Bobby, 9)
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind -- Love
isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie,age 9)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2003, 04:30 PM:
Rated G
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied[b]"I work for the IRS."[b]/
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2003, 12:52 PM:
Rated G
Two cowboys were driving through central Texas and see a sign
which says "Mexia 15 miles". One of them says to the other,
"Hey, why don't we stop in MEX-ee-uh and get a drink?"
The other cowboy replies, "Hey, that's not how you say it. It's ma-HAY-uh," and they proceed to get into an argument about the
proper pronunciation of Mexia.
Finally they get to town and stop in at a little place to settle
their argument. They agree they'll ask the cashier how to
pronounce the name and whoever is wrong will buy lunch for the
other.
They walk up to the counter and one of them says, "Excuse me, but could you settle an argument for us?"
"Sure," replies the cashier.
"We were wondering how to pronounce the name of this place, and we were wondering if you could pronounce it for us. But say it real slow so we can understand."
"OK," replies the cashier, eyeing the two quizzically.
"It's DAI-RY QUEEEEN."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2003, 02:45 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2003, 11:43 AM:
Rated G
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
The 90-year-old said:"I'venever felt better.I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began:"I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry,he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek,he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.He raised his umbrella andwent:'Bang, bang'and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said,"I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."
The doctor replied ... "My point exactly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2003, 05:32 AM:
Rated G
Generals interview
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2003, 08:53 PM:
Rated R
Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls.
One says to the other, "I wish I could do that!"
The other replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2003, 09:17 AM:
Rated R
Why Do You Keep Saying That?
An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts,I will give you twenty dollars" he says.
Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars,are you nuts!? Get away from me!
I want to feel your breasts,I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2003, 09:57 AM:
Rated G
There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed.
One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster
went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except
for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender"
said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for
my friend down at the end there."
The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."
"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were
escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get
him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his
head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."
The bartender sceptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"
The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 02:52 PM:
Rated R
There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 06:47 AM:
Rated PG
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well,they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous."The best entertainers from New York,Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have",the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions,the man replies,"But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2003, 07:08 AM:
Rated G
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story
about her then 4 yr. old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!'
Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's.
May I take your order?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2003, 09:27 AM:
Rated G
How I became my own grandpa!
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be
This window had a grown-up daughter
With flowing hair of red
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life
Now my daughter was my mother
For she was my father’s wife.
To complicate the matters worse
Although it brought me joy
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle
Though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who of course was my step-mother
Father’s wife then had a son
Who kept them on the run
And he became my grandson
For he was my daughter’s son
My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue
Because, although, she is my wife
She’s my grandma too
If my wife is my grandmother
Then I am her grandchild
And every time I think of it
It simply drives me wild
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 09:09 AM:
Rated PG Perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator,smelling like
expensive perfume.She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly,"Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also
smells of very expensive perfume.She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says,"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later,the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator.Before she leaves she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, turns, bends over,and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2003, 08:03 PM:
Rated PG
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door, he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks "So, how was I?"
She says "Well ... you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 07:48 AM:
Rated G
A big city defense lawyer was duck hunting in Southern Indiana
when he shot a duck that went down on a farmers property.When he started to climb the fence to retrieve the duck the old farmer rolled up on a tractor.
"Hey!" shouted the farmer, "Get off my fence."
When the lawyer explained that he was just going to get the duck
he had shot the farmer replied,"Not on my land you're not."
This enraged the lawyer,"Do you know who I am?" he yelled,"Why I could sue for everything you've got if I take you to court."
"Now let's don't go to all of that trouble" said the farmer,
"let's settle this the way we do here in Indiana,with the three kick contest."
"What's the three kick contest?" asked the lawyer.
"Well" drawled the farmer,"that's where I kick you three times and you kick me three times,to see who wins."
"How does that work?" the lawyer inquires.
The farmer smiles and says,"Who ever gets enough first and gives up loses the contest."
The lawyer, being much younger,figures he can do the old guy in
and agrees.
The farmer starts out with a mighty kick to the lawyer's balls,
the lawyer goes to his knees and rolls over on the ground.Then
the farmer delivers a steel toed boot to the midsection that
causes the lawyer to lose his lunch, followed by a hearty kick to the ass.
When the lawyer finally regains his breath, he staggers to his
feet and growls "OK, it's my turn now."
"Naw", says the old guy "I give up, you can have the duck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 06:32 AM:
Rated G
A woman goes into her lawyer's office and requests a divorce. While taking down her background information, he asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
The woman replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30am and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated, the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident, she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point, the lawyer loses his patience and asks, "Look, lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 09:08 AM:
Rated G
A man was sitting on a park bench one day when a 19 year-old guy
sits down across from him.
The man just stares rudely at the boy and finally the boy gets up and asks the man:
"Whats the matter old man? Haven't you ever done anything crazy in your life?"
The man didn't act very surprised and replied with casually)
"Well, yes I have, actually, I once got drunk and made love to a parrot..... I was just wondering if you were my kid!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 09:39 AM:
Rated X Mommy and Uncle Fred
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Oh! Sorry wrong number."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Grandpa
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
and so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandmother too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, it simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 11:00 AM:
Rated G
A very faithful woman
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2003, 07:07 AM:
Rated PG Questions and Answers
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit
If it's true that we are all here to help others,then what
exactly are all the others here for?
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2003, 07:46 AM:
Rated PG
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2003, 12:14 PM:
Rated G
...HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the USTreasury.
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coca-Cola was originally green.
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
> > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in
1910.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the
most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by
ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old
England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down.It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service."Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2003, 11:06 AM:
Rated G
A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . ..................
there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 04:52 PM:
Rated G
The Van Gogh Family:
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.Among them were:
His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh
The newphew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle: Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh
His newphew psychoanalyst: E. Gogh
The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy newphew: Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh
His Italian uncle: Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van:Winnie Bay Gogh
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2003, 06:26 AM:
Rated PG
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2003, 09:01 AM:
Rated R
A 50-Year Negligee!
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied,"Mission accomplished."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2003, 10:44 AM:
Rated PG
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,"Hey Willis,forget your troubles Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,"but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner,Willis thanked his host."I feel a lot better now,but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile."By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 08:32 AM:
Rated G ED in Aurora,Ont.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act,he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." > > >
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon did you say I can go home?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 11:44 AM:
Rated G Useless Facts.................
Pretty useless facts
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All fifty states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous:" tremendous, horrendous, stupendous and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula."
19. A cat has thirty-two muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of twenty-four hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed using only the left hand.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 07:04 AM:
Rated R
Mongolian Disease
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 03:50 PM:
Rated PG
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again answersm "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
T-G-I-F.It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2003, 06:11 AM:
Rated G
Two boys are playing basketball in a park in Sacramento when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and hits the dog on the head, killing it instantly. A reporter for the Sacramento Bee was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. He starts writing,
Young Kings Fan Saves Friend from vicious Animal..
"But I'm not a Kings fan," the little hero replys
"Sorry, since we are in Sacramento, I just assumed you were," said the reporter crossing it out and writing instead,
Rivercats Fan rescues Friend from Horrific Attack
"But I'm not a Rivercats fan either," says the young boy
"Sorry, I just assumed that everyone in Sacramento is either for the Kings or the Rivercats. What team do you root for?"
"I'm a Lakers fan," the child replied
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
Little Bastard From L.A. kills beloved Family Pet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 08:03 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man was in bad shape.He constantly gasped for breath and his
eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up.Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city.He pointed out a dozen silk shirts.He wore a size fourteen.
The clerk said,"Your neck looks bigger than fourteen.You need a sixteen."
The man said,"I know my size.I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said,"I'll get them for you,but I want to warn you..if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and yours eyes will bulge."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 11:23 AM:
Rated G
Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2003, 11:37 AM:
Rated G
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fredand Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) Thepercentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,the person died in battle.If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,John Hancock and Charles Thomson.Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them lookslike it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,When customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. (Bob's note: My dictionary says origin uncertain, but this sounds good. All you lady golfers remember this when you go to Augusta, Georgia or Haverhill, Mass.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 12:37 PM:
Rated G Louise
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a
Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well,
the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks
up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all
fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets
out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2003, 06:37 AM:
Rated G
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2003, 12:13 PM:
Rated X
This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.
Here are the three winners:
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky,
'Twas "Hail to the Chief", On this flute made of 'beef',
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress,
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better,
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 10:12 AM:
Rated G
Epstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.[/b]
Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Epstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Epstein asks, " Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2003, 09:34 AM:
Rated R
Two Elderly Men sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by. One says to the other you know I'm still sexually interested in Women.In fact I always get excited when I see the young Girls walking by.The real problem is, that at this age I dont see so good any more.
How about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida. As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things (they're) both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses."Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home." Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis." to which she agrees. Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response. Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and he replies "Oh, infrequently" and she says "Harold, was that one or two words?"
Aging joke-An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30 and would he have any suggestions. Yes, says the Doctor I would advise you to take in a border. A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks, so you took my advise and took in a border ? Yes I did, id the reply, and She's pregnant also.....
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely *determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??" To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?" The man responds by raising his hand and outstreching his fingers. "What? Five times?" asks the eager girl. "No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2003, 10:02 AM:
Rated X
A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"
"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"
"Oh. You know anything else?"
The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"
"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"
"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:23 AM:
Rated R
A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts,worried about what her son has seen,she dress's quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes overand gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2003, 02:57 PM:
Rated PG
Subject: 10 comments made by sports commentators that they'd like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 07:22 AM:
Rated PG
Southern Baptists John and Marie attended the same church.
Marie went every Sunday and taught Sunday School.
John went on Christmas and Easter and,once in a while,he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays,he was in the pew right behind Marie and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was.While they were taking up the collection,John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie,how about you and me for dinner next Friday?"
"Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well, John couldn't believe his luck.All week long he polished his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to the finest restaurant in town.
When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said,"Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, John,"said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John was setback a bit,so he didn't say much until after dinner Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.He asked, "Would you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?"
Well, John felt pretty low after that,so he got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed a Holiday Inn.He'd struck out twice already,so he figured he had nothing to lose.
"Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel ?"
"Sure, that would be nice," said Marie.
Well,John couldn't believe his luck.He did a U-turn right then and there and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie.
The next morning John got up first.He looked at Marie lying there in the bed."What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. He shook Marie awake."Marie,I've got to ask you one thing," said John.
"What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"
Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them... "You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 09:52 AM:
Rated G
Marketing for Dummies
People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and
see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up
to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and, straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten
his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." -
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all
these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward
the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 10:18 AM:
Rated PG
A beautiful blonde woman is having trouble growing tomatoes...
seems she can't get them to turn red.
She knows it is not the weather or the soil as the man next door
has a garden full of big red tomatoes.
She asks him about his secret..."twice a day" he says "I stand
naked in front of the tomatoes, they blush and turn bright red."
This sounds foolish, but what the heck, so she spends the next
few days standing nude in her garden.
A week goes by and she runs into her neighbor and he asks...
"have your tomatoes turned red?"
"Not really" she says..."but the strangest thing has happened...
the cucumbers have swollen up and are standing on end."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 03:22 PM:
Rated G
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" ?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
You're singing it, aren't you?!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-09-2003, 06:51 AM:
Rated G
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Change $ 20.00
Coffee 1.00
Total $ 21.00
*****
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to be recycled, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench; round off plug bolt edges while removing.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up. Poke oil filter with screwdriver and hammer; twist off filter with screwdriver.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 15.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to local bar or distributor; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug
27) Drink beer
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor
30) Drink beer
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) poster in the left boob & made a hole.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead, bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $ 50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $25.00
Total $4,150.00 -- But you know the job was done right!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-09-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated G
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2003, 09:58 AM:
Rated G
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.
What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone there has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2003, 10:05 AM:
Rated R
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"
" No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
" No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 07:52 AM:
Rated G
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back, they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
The deaf policeman heard the noise
And came and shot those two dead boys!
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 08:02 AM:
Rated G
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments,so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down,but they would not.He
went back and begged the friars to close.They ignored him.He
asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her.So,the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart,the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to
close.Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop.Terrified,the friars did
so.
The Moral of the Story:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 07:19 AM:
Rated Michele
What tree did you fall from?
Find your birthday,find your tree and then scroll down... This is really cool and somewhat accurate,also in line with Celtic
astrology.
Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree
Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree
Mar 21 - Oak Tree
Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree
Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree
Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree
Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree
May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree
May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree
May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree
Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree
Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree
Jun 24 - Birch Tree
Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree
Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree
Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree
Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree
Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree
Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree
Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree
Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree
Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree
Sep 23 - Olive Tree
Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree
Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree
Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree
Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree
Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree
Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree
Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree
Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree
Dec 22 - Beech Tree
Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree
APPLE TREE (Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and
attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive,
always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender
partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a
carefree philosopher with imagination.
ASH TREE (Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive,demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent,talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.
BEECH TREE (Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical,good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)
BIRCH TREE (Inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant,
friendly, pretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess,
abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very
passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm
and content atmosphere.
CEDAR TREE (Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt,
likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others, self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.
CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to
impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company,
often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior,
feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.
CYPRESS TREE (Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes
what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and
acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and
careless.
ELM TREE (Noble-Minded) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes,
loudest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.
FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,
independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves
life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a social
butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of
practical talent and intelligence.
FIR TREE (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity,
sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very
ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontested lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.
HAZELNUT TREE (Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very
understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.
HORNBEAM TREE (Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks
and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as
comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life,looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner,dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings,mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.
LIME TREE (Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed
way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and
idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many
talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often
wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.
MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.
OAK TREE (Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.
OLIVE TREE (Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings,
reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant,
cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive,
empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of
sophisticated people.
PINE TREE (Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust,
knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good
companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its
passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything
disappointments until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.
POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-
confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and
pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity,artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy,reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.
ROWAN TREE (Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.
WALNUT TREE (Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of
contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon,
unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no
flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.
WEEPING WILLOW (Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy,
attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and
tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 09:07 AM:
Rated PG Old Fred
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.
He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 06:28 AM:
Rated PG
THE OLD 'PIANER' PLAYER
He was a raggedy looking old fellow when he shuffled into the
waterfront bar that late one afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and
cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted"
sign from the window and gave it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep, the owner
of the place, wasn't too sure about this decrepit looking old
guy,but it had been awhile since he had a piano player and
business was falling off.
"What do you do?" he asked.
"I'm retired," was the answer.."As a matter of fact, I'm a
retired Navy Chief,but since I retired I've done nothing but
drink,chase broads and play the piano". Now, quite unsure that
this guy could hack it,the barkeep decided to give him a try
anyway..He really needed something to draw more customers in.
"The piano's over there,give it a go."
The old guy lurched over to the piano -- several patrons
snickered.But, by the time he was into the third bar of music,
every voice was silenced.What followed was a rhapsody of sound
and music unlike anyone had ever heard in that bar before.When
he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old chief a beer and told him that he
played really,really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"That was 'Drop Your Skivvies,Baby,We're Gonna Rock Tonight,'"
said the old salt as he took a long pull from the mug.The crowd
winced along with the bartender but the piano player went on."I
got another," as he began to play again.
What followed was a knee-slappin,' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping. People were now coming in from the
streets to hear this guy tickle the ivories.After he finished,
the Chief acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the
song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out."
He then excused himself and hustled off to the men's room.After
thinking a bit,the bartender decided to hire the guy,no matter
how bad he looked or what his songs were called.When the guy
came out of the men's room,the bartender went over to tell him
he had the job,but then noticed that the old fellow's fly was
undone and his penis was hanging out.He said, "Look Chief, the
job is yours but first I gotta ask,do you know your fly is
undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 07:42 AM:
Rated PG
A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet,rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over
immediately.
When he arrives,she seductively signals that he should bring his
face closer to hers.
When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," the man replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything
I can do?"
"Yes, there is.I need you to give him a message," she continues,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly
popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers,"there is no toilet paper,hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 08:00 AM:
Rated R
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the
bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that
I wanted to ask out,but I got an erection every time I saw er?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul,straightening up, "I finally plucked up the
courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was
worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and
taped my penis to my leg, so if I did,it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul,"and I rang her doorbell.She answered it in the sheerest,tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 08:16 AM:
Rated R Frank
There's this guy sitting at a bar,just looking at his drink.He
stays like that for half an hour.Then this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him,takes the drink from the guy,and
drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.Here,I'll buy you another drink.I just can't
stand to see a man crying."
"No,it's not that.This is the worst day of my life. First, I
fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.My boss, outraged,fires
me.When I leave the building,to go to my car,I find out it was
stolen.The police say they can do nothing.I get a cab to return
home,and when I leave it,I remember I left my wallet and credit
cards there but the cab had already driven away.I go home,and
when I get there,I find my wife in bed with the gardener.I leave
home and come to this bar.And when I'm thinking about putting an
end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 08:25 AM:
[b]Rated G
Imagine. . .there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400.
It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off,as lost,whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.It carries over no balance. It allows no
overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains ofthe day.If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the
"tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health,happiness,and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.That's why it's called the present!!!
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.
They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear,they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 10:21 AM:
Rated X
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.I saw Miss
Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
"Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?
Well,she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,and it was
like pure ALMOND JOY! I couldn't help but grab her delicious
Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the
Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle
as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she
started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet,
no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero,Be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Watchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ~O~ Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!"
as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut
Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ~N~ Plenty, when all of a sudden... My Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her
stomach.
Sure enough, 9 months later, out popped...Baby Ruth!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2003, 09:12 AM:
Rated X
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently
wiped her nose, and shuddered quite violently as before.
The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again,she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and
said,"You've sneezed three times, wiped you nose with a tissue, and then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2003, 09:42 AM:
Rated G
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra..
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
And Always Close To Your Heart!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2003, 07:14 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement">in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job , both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper.
I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have a really good day of fishing , this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.
Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th.
Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 05:56 AM:
Rated G
THIS IS REALLY GOOD STUFF TO KNOW!
Some helpful hints and who would think.....
*Budweiser beer conditions the hair
* Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
* Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min
* Mayonnaise will KILL LICE , it will also condition your hair
* Elmer's Glue-paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any
* Shiny Hair-use brewed Lipton Tea
* Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
* Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste
* Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
* Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
* Bee stings - meat tenderizer
* Chigger bite - Preparation H
* Puffy eyes - Preparation H
* Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
* Stinky feet - Jello!!
* Athletes feet - cornstarch
* Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
*Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet.
* Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also
*Kool aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
* Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper
* Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
* Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
* Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
* When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
* Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar!
* Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
* Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak
* Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
* A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
* To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
* Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt.
* To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
* Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with peanut butter!
* Baked on food -fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight!
* Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
* Dirty grout - Listerine
* Stains on clothes - Colgate
* Grass stains - Karo Syrup
* Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries!
* Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again.
* To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin
* When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness. Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are:
Monday - Blue
Tuesday - Green
Thursday - Red
Friday - White
Saturday - Yellow
So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie - not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors.
You learn something new everyday
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 06:13 AM:
Rated R
Wal-Mart Urinalysis
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen,you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water,a stool sample from his dog,urine samples from his wife and daughter,and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to Walmart,eager to check the results.He deposits ten dollars,pours in his concoction,and awaits the results.The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm.Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant,twin girls.They aren't yours,get a lawyer.
5. ! If you don't stop playing with yourself,your elbow will never get better.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 10:10 AM:
Rated G
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.
This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is a very honorable profession, "the pastor says.
"Where does he practice?"
The old lady says proudly....
"Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
[ 09-05-2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 08:03 PM:
Rated R
Marketing for Dummies
People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and
see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up
to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and, straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten
his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." -
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all
these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward
the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam.
[ 09-05-2003, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2003, 10:41 AM:
Rated PG
Don't mess with a Woman
CIA had an opening for an assassin.After all of the background checks,Interviews,and testing were done there were three finalists...
Two men and a woman.For the final test, the CIA agents took one of themen to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that youwill follow your instructions,no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. KillHer!!!"
The man said,"You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said,"Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about fiveminutes.Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried,but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally,it was the woman's turn.She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard,one shot after another.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes,all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brow,and said,"That bloody gun was loaded with blanks.I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Moral: Don't mess with women.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 12:40 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi
The fisherman
One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 06:13 AM:
Rated PG
Highly Illogical
Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
"What's logic?" asked Bubba.
The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"
"I sure do," answered the redneck.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard,you also have a house."
Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"
"And since you own a house,logic dictates that you have a wife."
"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
"Finally, since you have a wife,logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why,that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.
"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.
Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"
"No."
"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-12-2003, 01:53 PM:
Rated G
More To Mating Than You Think:
A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said,"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said,"Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2003, 05:46 AM:
Rated PG
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".He calls the number,and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives,and gets out of his van.He's got a ladder,a baseball bat,a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.When the gorilla falls off,the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof,shoot the dog"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2003, 08:00 AM:
Rated G
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 04:32 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Two guys were in an English pub. They called the publican over and asked him to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?", asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart", confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house." The barmaid
doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the guys
called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did
say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right", he called back, "two pints."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-24-2003, 07:57 PM:
Rated R
Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory.
Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
This went on for years,and Yossel couldn't stand it any more.
So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer,the only way to get over it was to do it.
Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work.
The next day he came home from work very early,about 11 AM.His wife,Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early.
Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer.He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result.
Sarah gasped and ran over to himyanked down his pants and briefs only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact.
She looked back up and said,"I don't understand ...what happened to the pickle slicer.?"
"I think she got fired too ...?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 12:48 PM:
Rated G
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.He took off down the road,flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.
"This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him,blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,120 mph.
Then he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch."My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday.If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said,"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper,and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied,"Sir, have a nice day."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2003, 02:58 PM:
Rated G Michele
HOW TO BATHE THE CAT
1. Thoroughly clean toilet.
2. Lift both lids and add shampoo.
3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close
both lids, and stand on top ... so cat cannot escape.
5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.
(Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power
rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere.
7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far
from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2003, 01:42 PM:
Rated PG
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2003, 04:51 AM:
Rated PG
A redneck is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.After a few minutes he radios his boss and says,"Boss,I've got a problem.I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?''
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun.Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."
The farm worker agrees and signs off.About 10 minutes later he radios back."Boss I did what you said,I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-14-2003, 12:39 PM:
Life After Death…
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.
"Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
**************************************************************************
A woman's age…
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and
then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"
**************************************************************************
The Mood Ring…
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
*************************************************************************
The Water Pistol…
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember."
*************************************************************************
Church and kids….
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"
**************************************************************************
One Easter Sunday morning as the priest was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in Here? " "I know a little boy exclaimed -- Pantyhose!"
*************************************************************************
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy -- I'm under five."
**************************************************************************
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-14-2003, 01:12 PM:
1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written
an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More
Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope
only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it
is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if
you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded
up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled
her mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now,
of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines
and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed
was turn signal fluid.
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a
prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting
a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see
how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece
of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't
have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What Will?
I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying
sex.
14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters
never point the wrong way.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2003, 06:23 AM:
Rated G Life's Little Facts
Butterflies taste with their feet.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
A snail can sleep for three years..
No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing. SCARY!!!
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
All polar bears are left-handed.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.
They will get a kick out of it !!
You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
The Sneeze....
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first classection of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again, she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I'vnever heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2003, 05:46 AM:
Rated G
A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"
"Yes, they're all mine," the tired Mom sighs, having heard thatquestion a thousand times before.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names,"
"This one is my oldest-he's Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy.
"All right, I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
"Well, yes-it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's easy," says the mother. "Then I call them by their last names."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2003, 04:56 AM:
Rated PG
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"
.
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
--------------------------------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
-------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
------------------------------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
----------------------------------------------
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
-----------------------------------------------
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
---------------------------------------------
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2003, 09:41 AM:
Rated G
Clever Slogans
A new mortuary,in a tough mill town,decided to advertise in an
unorthodox fashion,so they draped a banner on the front of their
building that read:
"Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone,the Madame across the street had her girls
respond with a banner too:
"Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2003, 08:29 PM:
Rated G
The AccidentA woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2003, 06:50 PM:
Rated G
Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.
A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."
"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."
A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."
"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."
"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"
The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.
"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"
"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-01-2003, 04:50 PM:
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was
not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed,
but fine up against a wall".
Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects.
Les Dawson
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then
she stops to breathe.
Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and
kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying.
Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me
the position.
Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank
her.
W.C. Fields
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it.
W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't
remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
George Burns
We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will
avoid you.
Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac...
Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Unknown
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything...
Unknown
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-07-2003, 01:07 PM:
Do you ever wonder....
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna
eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
9. Why does the OB-GYN leave the room when a woman gets undressed if they
are going to look up there anyway?
10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
17. Stop singing and read on..........
18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your...aaahhhh......butt?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?
21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2003, 04:47 PM:
Rated G Gord in Toronto
Who Says Men aren't Sensitive?
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk,
they connect, and they end up leaving together.
They go back to his place, and as he shows her around
his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is
completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along
the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little
higher. Enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a
collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so
extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,
and actually is quite impressed by the evidence of his
sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly...they
kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make
hot steamy love.
After she has this intense night of passion with this
sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the
after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns:
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2003, 05:10 PM:
Rated PG
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
Pharmacist: "Yes:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All Kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, Scoliosis?
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice??"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely.!
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2003, 05:17 PM:
[b]Rated PG {/b]
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late onenight, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment. \
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole ...it's ten past three in the morning!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2003, 09:01 AM:
Rated R
***** Different BARS *****
A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are
having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I
come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. AtMacDougal's, ye buy a drink,ye buy another drink,and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink." The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come
from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place,
Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a
drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid."
"Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic. Did that actually
happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection.
That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc.
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can'tyou see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfitswith initials in large white letters across their backs?
F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 12:38 PM:
Rated G LAS in CT
History Lesson
Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end.
1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt)
2000: George W. Bush ???????????
And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000.
You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher explain this if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford,"
Kennedy was shot in a car called " Lincoln" made by "Ford," Booth and
Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Anti-Terrorist Day, next Saturday...
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.So, next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour isrecommended for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see
nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. Â
The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.
God bless America!
IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC ! DUTY TO PASS THIS ON
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2003, 07:55 AM:
Rated G JJ on the Left Coast Last E-Mail
Andy Rooney said the following on 60 Minutes a few weeks back. (For those of you who don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator).
I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason; that is why there
are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING,
MARTHA BURKE?
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population
is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be aprivate matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately!
I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2003, 09:07 AM:
Rated G
The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have been one of their most popular (in number of calls received):
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire.
Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right wayand watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 06:36 AM:
Rated PG
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to,he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him,he whispered,eyes full of tears,"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.When I got fired,you were there to support me.When mybusiness failed,you were there.When I got shot,you were by my side.When we lost the house,you stayed right here.When my health started failing,you were still by my side.You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked,smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me ."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 11:28 AM:
Rated G
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single."
The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct.
But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2003, 03:13 PM:
Rated G
12 Shots
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2003, 03:25 PM:
Rated PG One Year ago today this was the big Joke
BUTCHER DANCE
A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project.
The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance."
The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?"
"What? You no see Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
"Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?"
"Umm. I got a corroborate on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?"
"No no, not corroborate. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborate."
"Oh, well, how can I see this Butcher Dance then?"
"Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance."
"Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance."
"OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'till you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'till you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'till you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'till reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance."
So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night.
He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before.
True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream.
The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek.
When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey.
Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men.
Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance.
"Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance."
"Well, when do you hold the next dance?"
"Not 'till next year."
"Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?"
"No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year."
The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home.
The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong.
Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree.
They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements.
Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village.
Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon.
"The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!"
The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time."
Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins.
Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?"
"Hush," whispers the chief. You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year."
The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm.
The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind.
The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-24-2003, 06:05 PM:
Some moldy oldie senior humor...
______________________________________
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of
the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs
or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope
I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the
second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in,
"So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat
silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_______________________________________
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to
talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to
kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on
the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed
clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To
get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who
can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An
elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie
thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a
week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one
looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at
least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the>
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 05:24 AM:
Rated PG
Spot The Dog
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.
He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding.
A tiny fart escaped.
'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog getting the blame,the young man let another slightly larger one go.
'Spot,'she cried out sharply.
I've got it made,thought the fellow to himself.One more and I'll be fine.So he let loose a really big one.
'Spot,'shrieked the mother,'get over here before he shits on you.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 01:06 PM:
Rated G
Two old retired Navy chiefs were traveling across country to
attend a Navy Reunion and they pull up to a gas station.
Attendant: "How may I help you?"
Old chief: "Please fill it up."
The other old chief: "What did he say?"
Old chief [yelling]: "He was asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up."
Attendant: "So, where are you heading?"
Old chief: "To Las Vegas to attend a Navy Reunion."
The other old chief: "What did he say?"
Old chief [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're
going to a Navy reunion."
Attendant: "It sure is a nice day for a drive."
Old chief: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant."
The other old chief:: "What did he say?"
Old chief [yelling]: "He said it's good weather."
Attendant: "Where are you coming from?"
Old chief: "We started our trip from Bandera, Texas."
Again the other old chief:"What did he say?"
Old chief {yelling}:"He asked where we're from and I said Texas."
Attendant:"I spent two years in the Navy.The Chief that I worked for was a complete asshole.He sure screwed me over so I didn't make the Navy a career."
Again the other old chief: "What did he say?"
Old chief [yelling}: "He says he thinks he knows you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2003, 09:02 AM:
Rated G JerseyT
You're In The Army Now . . .
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James,a Tennessee Mountain man,
was drafted by the Army.
On his first day of boot camp,the Army issued him a toothbrush.
That afternoon,an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.
On his second day, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon,an Army barber sheared his head.
On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.
The Army is still looking for him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2003, 03:23 PM:
Rated PG
Quotes from D.C. Mayor Marion Barry
" The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington,DC
" Bitch set me up."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself : are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
" I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."
- M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2003, 10:38 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
AMORE
When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
becomes stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight
Used his sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze
In a damp marshy place,
That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine
And you tied up her line
That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests
Like you did all the rest
That's some more "A"s!
When on Mt. Cook you see
An aborigine,
That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has
A space gun with pizzazz,
That's a Moo ray....
A comedian-ham
With the name Amsterdam
That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham
Is so full and so crammed
That smore.
When you've had quite enough
Of this dumb rhyming stuff
That's "No more!", eh?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2003, 09:17 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A young man was called before a judge. "What crime have you been
charged with?" asked the judge.
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the man.
"That's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing
this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," said the man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 09:14 AM:
Rated R
CIA Position Open
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened.
The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test.
Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2003, 04:37 PM:
Rated G
'Twas The Night Before Christmas,
He Lived All Alone,
In a One Bedroom House
Made Of Plaster And Stone.
I Had Come Down The Chimney
With Presents To Give,
And To See Just Who
In This Home Did Live.
I Looked All About,
A Strange Sight I Did See,
No Tinsel, No Presents,
Not Even A Tree.
No Stocking By Mantle,
Just Boots Filled With Sand,
On The Wall Hung Pictures
Of Far Distant Lands.
With Medals And Badges,
Awards Of All Kinds,
A Sober Thought
Came Through My Mind.
For This House Was Different,
It Was Dark And Dreary,
I Found The Home Of A Soldier,
Once I Could See Clearly.
The Soldier Lay Sleeping,
Silent, Alone,
Curled Up On The Floor
In This One Bedroom Home.
The Face Was So Gentle,
The Room In Such Disorder,
Not How I Pictured
A United States Soldier.
Was This The Hero
Of Whom I'd Just Read?
Curled Up On A Poncho,
The Floor For A Bed?
I Realized The Families
That I Saw This Night,
Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers
Who Were Willing To Fight.
Soon Round The World,
The Children Would Play,
And Grownups Would Celebrate
A Bright Christmas Day.
They All Enjoyed Freedom
Each Month Of The Year,
Because Of The Soldiers,
Like The One Lying Here.
I Couldn't Help Wonder
How Many Lay Alone,
On A Cold Christmas Eve
In A Land Far From Home.
The Very Thought
Brought A Tear To My Eye,
I Dropped To My Knees
And Started To Cry.
The Soldier Awakened
And I Heard A Rough Voice,
"Santa Don't Cry,
This Life Is My Choice;
I Fight For Freedom,
I Don't Ask For More,
My Life Is My God,
My Country, My Corps."
The Soldier Rolled Over And Drifted To Sleep,
I Couldn't Control It,
I Continued To Weep.
I Kept Watch For Hours,
So Silent And Still
And We Both Shivered
From The Cold Night's Chill.
I Didn't Want To Leave
On That Cold, Dark, Night,
This Guardian Of Honor
So Willing To Fight.
Then The Soldier Rolled Over,
With A Voice Soft And Pure,
Whispered, "Carry On Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure."
One Look At My Watch,
And I Knew He Was Right.
"Merry Christmas My Friend,
And To All A Good Night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2004, 04:32 PM:
Rated PG
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 10:12 AM:
Rated G
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2004, 10:20 AM:
Rated G
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2004, 02:35 PM:
Rated G GM with the Butter Tarts
At New York's Kennedy airport today,an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler,a protractor,a set square, a slide rule,and a calculator. At a morning press conference,Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult", Ashcroft said, "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides toevery triangle," Ashcroft declared. When asked to comment on the arrest,President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction,He would have given us more fingers and toes.
"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it isintent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing todisintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding:"Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."
President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."
Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read myellipse.Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
George Burn's quotes.
"When I was young the Dead Sea was alive".
When he got the lead role in the movie O God. he cracked
" Why shouldn't I play God. At my age anything I do is a miracle"
Another George.... this one is the best
"Having sex at my age is like shooting pool with a rope".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 09:55 AM:
Rated G
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl,the biggest sporting event in the world,and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,but she passed away.
This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 07:17 AM:
Rated G
Divert Your Course
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,I SAY AGAIN,THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 04:04 PM:
Rated G
Ireland's Worst Air Disaster
Dublin (AP) -
Ireland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery outside Limerick early this afternoon.
Local search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 04:06 PM:
Rated G
The Mugging
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money", he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 12:30 PM:
Rated R KCB in Marathon Key
DATING RITUALS
WHITE WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens
again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?
[ 02-11-2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 03:04 PM:
Rated G
Athletes Don't Have Real Jobs
This is a peak as to why athletes can't have jobs other than in
the athletic arena...Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And,upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my
own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders
said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius.A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:"I'm
going to graduate on time,no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three,then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years,not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime
of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six
o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My
sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January) .
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told
him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy? ' He
said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F 's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by
Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips
responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye." (Dead
man walkin')
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2004, 08:24 AM:
Rated G
NYMPHOMANIAC CONVENTION
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, She took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention inChicago"
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really! " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent.
We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2004, 09:49 AM:
Rated G From: Greg out West
Dead Duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,"I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed,"Are you sure?" "Yes,I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure," she protested."I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.
"The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.
He returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry.. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2004, 12:27 PM:
Rated PG
A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnightDuring the pilot's preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent tothe base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft,only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for 11 months without any leave and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump shit from your aircraft... Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2004, 09:47 AM:
Rated G
A Frog walks into a bank...
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay,he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused,Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(wait for it)
Scroll down
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.
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The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you?)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2004, 09:50 PM:
Rated G Michele
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager. He excuses
himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says,"Sean, what's the story? Do you need anoperation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a
public restroom, and I'm taking a pee,the guy next to me always
turns towards me and says,'Hey! Are you Sean Connery?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2004, 03:16 PM:
Rated R
A wee Scottish tale
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled
him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "in'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2004, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
Walking into the bar Henry said, "Pour me a stiff one Yogi, I
just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah!" said Yogi, "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over, she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really, now that's a switch. What did she say?"
"She said "Come out from under the bed you little chickenshit."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2004, 10:54 AM:
Rated X LAS in CT
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, "Crazy asthis sounds,maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said,"I think she choked."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2004, 04:27 PM:
Rated G
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
"Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here."
Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground...
"Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them."
"Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???"
"No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2004, 04:40 PM:
Rated PG
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be having a great time at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Sincerely, your Husband.
The wife responded:
Dear Husband, Your letter made me realize that you too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that I am going to be having a far better time than you are because: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2004, 09:01 PM:
Rated G
Mad Wife Disease
He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine.
"Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. "
That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. "
Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "
Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet,which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked,
"Now what was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2004, 09:14 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
A plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he saidto make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 10:15 AM:
[b]Rated G
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot.He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brilliantly glowing.He carefully approaches the carto get a closer look.Then he sees a young man behindthe wheel reading a computer magazine.He immediately notices a young woman in the rear,knitting.
Puzzledby this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car
and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window.."Uh, yes, officer?" "What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I am reading a magazine, sir.
"Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?"
The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she is knitting
a pullover sweater.
"Now the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car,at night in lover's land. And nothing obscene is happening!
"What's your age, young man?"
"I am 25, sir."
"And her..what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and replies,"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 09:43 PM:
Rated PG
The Proctologist
Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.
1. A tube of K-Y jelly
2. A rubber glove
3. A beer
When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little
confused.This is my first exam.I know what the K-Y is for,and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit,Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2004, 09:48 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room .. . "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2004, 01:46 PM:
Rated G
Subject: Story of Mayo
" Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's (in the West, "Best") mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port
of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.
This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico....
But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York....
The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost....
The people of Mexico,who were crazy about mayonnaise,and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss..
Their anguish was so great,that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day....
The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 04:05 AM:
Rated XXX
A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.
"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist,you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.This is how I cured it:Every day I would give my wife oral sex.When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.
Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back,"Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.And, by the way you have a lovely home."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 08:44 AM:
Rated G
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:
"Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is."
"Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her."
"You were perfectly right."
"You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:
"Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 04:49 AM:
Rated G
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the morning!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2004, 01:45 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
A man came home from work,sat down in his favorite chair,turned on the TV,and said to his wife,"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled,but brought him a beer.
When he finished it,he said,"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry,but brought him a beer.
When it was gone,he said,"Quick,another beer before it starts."
"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2004, 09:26 AM:
Rated G
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2004, 10:13 AM:
Rated R
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So,he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on the question.
After consulting the Bible,the priest says,"My son,after an exhaustive search,I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath".
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex? So, he goes to a minister who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.He queries the minister and receives the same reply.
Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply,he seeks out a Rabbi,a man of thousands of years traditions and knowledge.The Rabbi ponders the question then states,"My son, sex is definitely play.
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work."
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work , my wife would have the maid do it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 12:15 PM:
Rated PG LAS in CT
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is: are the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES &THE DAM BEAVERS
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2004, 05:03 PM:
Rated G LAS
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young
to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like
a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. Slowly he walks up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt............... one button at a time.
No one moves.
.................He removes his shirt.
................Muscles ripple across his chest.
.................She gasps...
................He stares deeply into her eyes.
.................She starts to feel faint.
.................He whispers softly:
"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2004, 03:48 PM:
Rated G
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude, spotted a man in a boat below and shouted to him: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The boater consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said "You must be a Republican."
"I am," the man replied, "how did you guess?"
"Well", answered the balloonist, "Everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You are EXACTLY in the same position you were before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2004, 07:37 AM:
Rated G
This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers! !
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2004, 11:29 PM:
Rated G
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, thestick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said,"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig'shouse and said,"Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.The wolf said,"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf,grab him by the neck and beat the living shitout of him,then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired,
killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2004, 11:34 PM:
Rated G
T-G-I-F
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator,there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly,so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2004, 07:13 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to his church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,"Father...during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said,"By doing that,you were both in great danger.
However two people under those circumstances can by very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have onemore question..."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2004, 01:04 PM:
Rated PG
How To Clean Your Toilet -
The Fun Way Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times.This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet,streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2004, 09:29 AM:
Rated R
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a ro! om, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:32 AM:
Rated G Memories
Sit back, relax, listen, read, & smile. Kind of of reminds you to stop & smell the roses of life, and to give thanks to God for life and memories.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a "
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Hillcrest 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
A man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.
The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.
There was a wee rabbit running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a rabbit this friendly.
The housewife replied: "Ummm, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2004, 11:46 AM:
Rated G LAS In Ct
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? >
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in commo! n ?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed more firm to sleep on.Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "mind their own pints and quarts and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England,pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service."Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented.It was entitled "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2004, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.
``````````````````````````````````
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
`````````````````````````````````````````
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward.
`````````````````````````````````````````````
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
`````````````````````````````
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
````````````````````````````````````````````````````
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.
````````````````````````````
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
``````````````````````````````````
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
```````````````````
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
``````````````````````
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
``````````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
```````````
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
`````````````````````````````````````````
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
````````````````````````````````````````````
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
`````````````````````````````````
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- former U..S. President Bill Clinton,
``````````````````
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
`````````
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
```````````````
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
````````````````````````````````````````````
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 09:43 AM:
Rated PG
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yes'm they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.She says,"Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker,"then you must be here to sign up."
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues One by
one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier.When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school,I yells,
'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her foreheadand says tentatively,"But what if you just want ONE kid to come,and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2004, 02:34 PM:
Rated R
PROBLEM: Two books are for sale.
Which to buy?
"Titanic" or "My Life" by Bill Clinton?
1. Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
2. Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
3. Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose,their forbidden love,and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and subsequent catastrophe.
4. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist
5. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
6. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
7. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there
8. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts
9. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack
10. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...ah, let's not go there either.
11. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same
thing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:35 AM:
Rated G
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God.
"Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2004, 06:48 AM:
Rated PG
On their first night together, a newlywed couple gets ready for bed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished with her beauty.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why are you wearing a robe, we are married now." The man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2004, 01:23 PM:
Rated G
REDNECK VASECTOMY
After having their 11th child, an Oklahoma couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor,"is to go home,get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Oklahoma) "light it,put it in a beer can,then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
The OKY said to the doctor,"I may not be the smartest tool in the shed,but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Tennessee, Indiana, Arkansas,
Mississippi, West Virginia and Texas and Saskatchewan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2004, 08:50 AM:
Rated PG
Three old men were sitting around and talking.
The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for 20 minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 a.m. sharp, I have a good long pee. At 6:30 a.m. sharp, I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 a.m."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2004, 08:36 PM:
Rated G
Why did the chicken cross the road?
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by nottaking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across theroad and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
HANS BLIX: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chickens intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent,hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going.I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road. JOHN
LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together ? in peace.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road
SIGMUND FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance Your checkbook. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra... #@&&^( C \reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented that chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:43 PM:
Rated G
The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Larry's had an odd element in it.
"Larry, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?
"It's the flea, teacher."
"Flea...? Ah...what flea?" asked the teacher.
To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse:"Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 04:02 PM:
Rated PG
FOR SALE: R.D.Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 555-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs.Kelly who lives with him cheap.
NOTICE: We regret having erred in R.D.Jones's ad yesterday. It should have read: One sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 P.M.
NOTICE: R.D.Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his classified ad yesterday. His ad stands corrected as follows: R.D.Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 555-0707 and ask Mrs Kelly who loves with him.
NOTICE: I, R.D.Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 555-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs.Kelly. Until yesterday she was my housekeeper, but she quit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2004, 07:56 AM:
Rated PG Sully in CT
Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role
model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look
up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
-----------------------------------------------------
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about
the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or
1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
---------------------------------------------------
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd
run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt
Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over
Joe's Mom, too."
------------------------------------------------
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his
coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets
us wear earrings."
----------------------------------------------------------
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann,1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--------------------------------------------------
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
----------------------------------------------
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You
guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
---------------------------------------------
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up
again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect
him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
-------------------------------------------------------
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawk's left wing, explaining
why he keeps a color photo of himself above his
locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name,
I can still find my clothes."
---------------------------------------------------------
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer,on the Spartan training
regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it
is."
--------------------------------------------------
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player,
explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an
aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature
in January)
---------------------------------------------------
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it
ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know
and I don't care.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M,
recounting what he told a player who received four F's
and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too
much time on one subject."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when
asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the
road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too
ugly to kiss good-by."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 02:33 PM:
Rated PG
Revenge Is Sweet
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid!Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are,the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef,but the wrod as a wlohe.Amzanig huh?yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 09:46 PM:
Rated G Oscar
Potential Company Mergers:
Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild
Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker
W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood
John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home
Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine
3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New compant will be called Zip Audi Do-Da.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 09:09 AM:
Rated PG
HAVE YOU BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,"SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"
I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITHA NEWDENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO. COULD HEBE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN??
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. HMMM,...OR COULD HE???
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN,THAT UGLY,OLD, WRINKLED SON-OF-A- BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:19 PM:
Rated R
Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them"
The lawyer says "Screw `em!"
The priest says, "Do we have time?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:51 PM:
Rated PG
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself. "You know, Harvey," she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled; my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and my backside looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!" She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a thoughtful voice, "well ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:08 PM:
Rated G
Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally,I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country:
1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)
2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code)
3. Multiply by 80
4. Add 1
5. Multiply by 250
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number
7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again
8. Subtract 250
9. Divide number by 2
Do you recognize the answer?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:51 PM:
Rated R
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband Alex, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Alex".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:25 PM:
Rated PG
A young gentleman sitting at a bar with his pet pig asks for a couple of drinks.
The confused barman says no animals were allowed at the bar.
The man proceeded to say "Ah, but this is a very special pig. Just last week there was a fire in the house and that pig came charging out of his pen into the house and woke us all up .
Then a few days later my son fell into the pool and that pig was grazing out on the lawn,and he came running and jumped into the pool and saved my son.
"Well " said the barman "I guess this pig is very special so I'll get him a drink. By the way I noticed that he has a wooden leg, what happened? "
"Well said the young man, when you got a pig this good you don't eat him all at once !!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2005, 09:54 AM:
Rated G
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish. A wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 01:20 PM:
Rated G
A woman walks into her doctor's office, scared of the strange development recently to the inside of her thighs...a green spot on the inside of each.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and theyseem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of this, and that she needn't worry until tests come back.He sends her home.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.She immediately begs to know what's going on with
these spots?
"You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering: is your husband a Harley guy?" the doctor asks.
"Yes--how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-13-2005, 01:36 PM:
Rated G
FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.
Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split,fire to lay.Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you ti! ll noon when you get fed again.
It's no !wonder these city boys can't walk much.We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us.If he thinks so,it's not my place to tell him different.A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher.He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board.
Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.I keep
getting medals for shooting.I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training! .
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home.
I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Gail.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-21-2005, 09:13 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ontario, Ca
In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb"
Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and CharlesThomson.Most of the rest signed on August 2,but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month which we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill,they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-21-2005, 08:18 PM:
Rated R Hank in Simi Valley
Been around but still cute..
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage,he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed,but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete,he told her to simply mail him a post card,and write "Spaghetti" on the back.He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day,about 9 months later,he came home to his confused wife. Honey,she said,"You received a very strange post card today."
"Oh,just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.The wife obeyed,and watched as her husband read the card,turned white and fainted.
On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs,one without."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2005, 05:06 PM:
Rated G
Accident Report.
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured scull and broken collar- bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 11:54 AM:
Rated G
A man from Texas,driving a Volkswagen Beetle,pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls,"Hey,you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."
"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.
"Uh, huh, yes,that's very nice." "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.
"Why,actually,yes,I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep,got my double bed right in back here," the Texan replies.
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later,the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it,but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.
The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.The guy with the Rolls says,"Hey, remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's up?" "
Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls", says the guy with the Rolls.
"The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 10:49 AM:
Rated PG
FBI Job Opening
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.After all the background
checks,interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.
For the final test,the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun."We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. . . Kill Her !!"
The man said,"You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said,"Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions.He took the gun and went into the room.All was quiet for about 5 minutes.The man came out with tears in his eyes,"I tried,but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said,"You don't have what it takes.Take your wife and go home."
Finally,it was the woman's turn.She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband.She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard,one after another.They heard screaming, crashing,banging on the walls.After a few minutes,all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 02:13 PM:
Rated G Michele
I decided that I needed a few days off and I realized that I ran out of vacation time already. I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was burning out and give me some time off.
I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling.Just then one of my co-workers (she's blonde - it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.
"Shh-h-h," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm a light bulb."
A second later the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.
"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.
"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."
With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My co-worker started following me and the Boss asked where she was going.
"I can't work in the dark," she said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-23-2005, 06:16 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora,Ont.
An 85 year-old man goes to see his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling?
The 85 year-old says, "I've never felt better! Life is great and I now have a 25 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then replies -"I have another 85 year old patient, much like you, who is an avid Beaver hunter. He never misses a hunting season. Last year he told me he was going out hunting, he was in a hurry and he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his rifle.
When he got to the creek where he liked to hunt, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream. As he raised his cane, he realized it was not his rifle but he still took aim and yelled 'bang, bang'. Just then two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 85 year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 07:06 PM:
Rated R One of the Best of all time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 07:12 PM:
Rated R
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:08 PM:
Rated PG
People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly,Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said. "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" "Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?"
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-14-2005, 10:17 AM:
Rated G
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well, until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him, "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: "Have you any grounds?"
Polish Man: "Ja, Ja, acre and half and nice little home."
Lawyer: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
Polish Man: "It made of concrete."
Lawyer: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
Polish Man: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
Lawyer: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
Polish Man: "All my relations still in Poland."
Lawyer: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
Polish Man: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?"
Polish Man: "No, I always up before her."
Lawyer: "Is your wife a nagger?"
Polish Man: "No, she white."
Lawyer: "Why do you want this divorce?"
Polish Man: "She going to kill me."
Lawyer: "What makes you think that?"
Polish Man: "I got proof.
Lawyer: "What kind of proof?"
Polish Man: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read and it say, Polish Remover."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 10:55 AM:
Rated R
This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-21-2005, 08:30 AM:
Rated X
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-05-2005, 05:46 AM:
Rated PG
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?..What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:09 AM:
Rated G
A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.
"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.
"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.
"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"
"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."
"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.
"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:12 AM:
Rated R
A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay. But it won't do you any good."
They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen! I want you for my wife."
"Oh," she says, "that's different. Send her in!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2005, 08:18 PM:
Rated G
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions.The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.BULLS EYE!
I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the United States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2005, 07:10 AM:
Rated G
Ponder these...
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
You know how most packages say "Open here." What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 02:21 PM:
Rated G
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car.
The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.
So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.
The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 02:41 PM:
Rated G AJS
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous
woman He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italianmen are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill.
What's yours?"
"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 09:32 PM:
Rated G
A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.
The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2005, 03:33 PM:
This is a copy of the first post I made on flim Tech back on February 21, 2001:
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase "Good Night, Sleep Tight" came from.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. Developed by Western Union to test Telex/twx communication.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WW II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their air planes on the ground, the .50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded in the fuselage. If a pilot fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old english law which stated you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
The name Jeep camp from an abbrevation used in the army for the 'General Purpose" vehicle, GP.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
It was accepted practice in Babylon that for a month after a wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calander was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "Honeymoon".
In English Pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So, in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase " mind your P's and Q's".
In ancient England a person could not have sex unless you had the consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got the consent of the King & the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door when they were having sex. The placker had F.U.C.K. ( Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2005, 03:45 PM:
Rated R
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh... she got fired too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 09:32 AM:
Rated G
Communication is the key to a good marriage, say the experts, but it may take time to develop.
Consider newlyweds Ole and Lena on their honeymoon trip from their little town in southern Minnesota.
They are nearing Minneapolis when Ole puts his hand on Lena's knee. Giggling, Lena says, "Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to."
So Ole drives to Duluth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 01:43 PM:
Rated G
Bob and Joe decide to sign up for college and take some classes together. They signed up for a Logics class, but after the first day, they had second thoughts.
Bob: I dunno about this class, it's not what I thought it would be.
Joe: I know, it's too hard, I don't get it.
Bob: Well I'm going to my advisor and withdraw.
Off he goes to his advisor and begins complaining about how difficult Logics class is. Bob's advisor listens carefully and begins to persuade Bob to give it a chance.
Advisor: Look, Bob it's not that difficult. It works like this -- Bob do you have a lawnmower?
Bob: Sure I got a lawnmower.
Advisor: Ok that tells me you have a lawn.
Bob: Well sure, I got a lawn.
Advisor: You got a lawn, then you probably own your own home.
Bob: Well yah, yah I do.
Advisor: Okay then, that tells me you're most likely married.
Bob: Wow, you're right on the target. I'm married.
Advisor: And you have kids, right?
Bob: Right!
Advisor: You're married with children; that tells me you're heterosexual.
Bob: Amazing, you can tell all that, just 'cuz I own a lawnmower. Okay I get it I see how you do this. I'll give the class a try.
Bob runs off to find his friend, Joe. Once he finds Joe, he starts persuading Joe not to drop Logics class.
Bob: Look Joe, I went to the advisor, and he explained how this class works. It's pretty simple really. I'll show you. Joe, do you have a lawnmower?
Joe (looking puzzled): No.
Bob surprized, thinks for a moment then quietly says, "faggot."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-11-2005, 01:50 PM:
Rated G...
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you must be single, and second you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Earl and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 01:07 PM:
Rated G
Memories and Good Fortune An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, "I love you,Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet.
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it,they took it home. There, she counted the money. It totaled fifty thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money,and knock on the door.
"Pardon me,but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No." Andy said,
"She's lying.She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well,when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 03:23 PM:
Rated G
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 10:22 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
Blonde LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING (I like this one!)
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 10:34 AM:
Rated G
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2005, 09:02 PM:
Rated G
A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt."
So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.
Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt."
They again battle the pirates and are victorious.
Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?"
The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."
"I see," says the cabin boy.
A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 01:38 PM:
Rated G
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2005, 01:54 PM:
Rated R
Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.
The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A's."
These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends.
So they did this and had a great time. However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 08:50 AM:
Rated G
TWO COWS
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send audio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the black one best accidentally vote for the brown one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 02:12 PM:
Rated G
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday, they had not been together very long so he thought long & hard before remembering that on their last date she had complained that her hands were cold. So he decided on a pair of gloves, not too personal at this stage of the relationship but thoughtful nonetheless. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister he went to Harrods & bought a stylish pair of dainty white gloves. At the same time the sister bought a pair of knickers for herself & they both asked for them to be giftwrapped. Unfortunately the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the giftwrapped knickers & the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves. The boyfriend,without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person but when he arrived at his girlfriends house she wasn't in. So instead he left the following, thoughtful note along with the present at her front door.
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister I would have chosen some long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones & they are easier to pull off. These are a delicate shade & the shop assistant showed me the pair she has been wearing for the past three weeks & they are hardly soiled at all. I had her try on yours & although a little tight they looked really smart. She told me that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you had been here so that I could have put them on for you as no doubt many hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they will be a little damp from wearing.Just think how many times I will be holding them in my hand over the coming year.
I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Sam
PS The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 11:44 AM:
Rated G
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," said the woman, "how old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children ... one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea.... " And the lawyer says, "So..., if I didn't give any money to them, what in hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2005, 04:59 PM:
Rated G
Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.”
While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”
“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
She asks: “Class of 49?”
“Yes I was”, was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 11:36 AM:
Rated G
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us,fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 04:03 PM:
Rated R B.B.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in the bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a Barbitchyouate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 08:04 AM:
Rated G
What are seniors citizens worth?
They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.
As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!
P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...'What am I here after?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 01:08 PM:
Rated G
One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 09:26 AM:
Rated PG
Who wears the pants?
David was going to be married to Dana, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Son, let me tell you something. On your mother and my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too BIG I can't wear them. ' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said David. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, David took off his pants and said to Dana, "Here try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too LARGE. They don't fit me." David said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Dana took off her pants and handed them to David. She said, "Here you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Dana said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 08:31 AM:
Rated G
The Emperor of Japan had put out an ad for a new bodyguard. Three days later, three Samurai showed up on the palace steps.
The first Samurai was the best in all of China; he came before the Emperor to demonstrate his skills. He pulls out a small box and a fly darts out. SCHWING! He cuts the fly in two. "Impressive," exclaimed the Emperor.
The second Samurai was the best in all of Japan; he came before the Emporer to demonstrate his skills. He pulls out a small box and a fly buzzes out. SCHWING! SCHWING! He cuts the fly in four. "Very impressive!" exclaimed the Emperor.
The final Samurai was the best in all of Jerusalem; he came before the Emperor to demonstrate his skills. He pulls out a small box and a fly flew out. SCHWING! SCHWING! SCHWING! ... the fly buzzed off ... the Emperor asked, "You call yourself a Samurai? What kind of skills are those?" ... the Jewish Samurai replied, "The art of circumcision is not meant to kill..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2006, 08:23 PM:
Rated G
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I'vesome bad news for you.You have cancer,and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character,he managed
to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room,where his son was waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.In this case,things aren't so well.I have cancer.Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber..
There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He
told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a
couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your
Mother after I am gone."
YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 11:53 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Three old ladies were sitting side-by-side in their retirement home while reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping in the produce section and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny apiece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:39 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
The Wonderful Way Children See Things
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! "
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter with me. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 08:49 AM:
Rated G Showbiz
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you will have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian Name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name then I cannot represent you young man."
"Then, I bid you farewell--my name will not change." with that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agent's office never to return.
Five years later.......................
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like.
There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000.00 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir,
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and I left your office.
However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I deceided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name.
Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achived this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistance that I change my name.
I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very truly yours,
Dick Van Dyke
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 01:43 PM:
Rated X Hank
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage,a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet,displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed,rolled his eyes,and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later,Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind,Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.................................
You're going to hate me for this.
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"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER'S"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 01:45 PM:
Rated G One of my Favorites
Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself a-loud - it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonnacrash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall . . .
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions are causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 04:00 PM:
Rated R
( (((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey? " he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! "
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . Is this 555-7039? ?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Did you hear about the guy in Paris who almost got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre? After planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only two blocks away when his SUV ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: "Monsieur, I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"
I suppose that you thought I lacked DeGaulle to post a story like this!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:14 PM:
Rated G
An American tourist in Canada celebrated the President's Day by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.
"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:40 PM:
Rated G Spaz
A man was praying to God.
He said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
"Hmmm," the man wondered. Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So the man said, "God. Can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:32 AM:
Rated G
"Investigation"
A woman had a beautiful black cat with white feet, named Socks. Socks spent his days outside and came indoors only at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.
She searched for him high and low, for several days, but all in vain. The following spring, however, Socks reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he'd just been out sowing his wild oats, and let it go at that.
Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Socks once again disappeared. The next spring, just as the prior year, he returned. When it happened for the third year in a row, she became very perplexed, and decided to investigate. She started by asking her neighbors to see what, if any, information they might have.
She was down to the last house on the block, the home of an older couple. If they didn't have the answer, she wasn't sure where she would turn. So she went up and knocked on the door. The lady of the house answered, and she asked her, "By any chance, have you ever seen a black cat with 4 white feet around here?"
"A black cat?" the woman said. "With 4 white feet? Oh my, yes! He's the sweetest thing. My husband and I kept seeing him outside every fall. We hated it that the poor thing had to be out in the cold, so we decided that when we go south for the winter, we'd take him with us. He's been going to Florida with us every winter for the last few years."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 01:16 PM:
Rated G
An Accident Report
I am writing in response to your request for “additional information.” In block number 30 of the accident report form, I put “poor planning” as the cause for my accident. You said in your last letter that I should explain more fully. I trust that the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80-foot antenna tower. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the pole at the tip of the tower. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.
You will note in block number 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken clavicle.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly on the rope in spite of the pain. At about the same time however, the barrel hit the ground. The bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed 20 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might guess, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40-foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations or my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of tools, and fortunately only three vertebras were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope…
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew. ;D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 03:07 PM:
Rated G
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."
The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 04:28 PM:
Rated PG
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"You seem like a decent fellow, but have you ever done anything of Particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, Who were acting in a very threatening way to a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,I approached the largest,Meanest looking, most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him onthe back Side of his head, kicked his bike over, pulled out his nose ring and threw It on the ground,and for good measure,kicked some dirt on his boots. Then I yelled, "Now, back off, biker boy, or you'll answer to me!"'
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 10:34 AM:
Rated G Ed In Aurora, Ont.
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways.
As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:44 PM:
Rated PG
"Wife With Gas"
Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.
He then went to answer the telephone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G
A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
Why Math Is Taught In School
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females:
1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan:
70% describe their love life as Dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institutes of Health:
22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one Female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ....... I think not.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 01:12 PM:
Rated G
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right.
What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:41 PM:
Rated G Gerry
A Jew, an Irishman and a Frenchman died and went to heaven.
There they were met by St.Peter, who reviewed their records. "You," he said to the Jew, "you liked money so much that you actually married a woman named Penny! Such a preoccupation with money is sinful, and we will not have your kind here."
His shoulders drooping, the Jew turned and began the long trek to hell.
Next, St.Peter opened the Irishman's folder. "And you! You liked to drink so much that you sought out a wife by the name of Sherry!
Alcohol too is a sin, and we will not have your kind here!"
Turning the Irishman headed toward hell,followed by the Frenchman.
"Wait a minute," St.Peter called after him, "I haven't reviewed your file!"
"Why bother?" the Frenchman said. "My wife's name was Fanny."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Paladin
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, things started warming up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every guy on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not for what I can do for your gratification?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a upscale department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled. "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, not much is going to happen tonight either.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:48 AM:
Rated G
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi,I'm very rich.Marry me." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,"By the way, I'm very rich.Will you marry me?" That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich.." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me". She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. That's Customer Feedback!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 07:28 PM:
Rated R
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 04:55 PM:
Rated G
GREAT MARKETING SCREW UPs
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick".
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read. (Personally, I always thought "gerber" in French meant "to vomit" or "to puke"!!)
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate".
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth".
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2006, 11:22 AM:
Rated PG
WILD SIDE
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors -Green, Red, Orange, Blue, and Yellow.
The old man just stared and stared. Every time the young man
looked, the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old
timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2006, 07:50 AM:
Rated PG
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2006, 02:26 PM:
Rated G
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:03 AM:
Rated PG
Party Invitation
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.
After about six months of almost total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night...thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars left, he stopped. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."
"Well, I get along with people; I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too!"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:23 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse, when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five finish playing the hand standing up.
Then Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. Goldberg says, "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Then Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.
Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost five hundred dollars in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
Mrs. Meyerwitz yells, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"
And Goldberg says, "Okay, I'll go tell him."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2007, 07:38 PM:
Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont.
"RAISIN Bread"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who
likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.
One day a young man enters the store, glances
at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her
skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread please,"
the man says politely.
The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to
reach the raisin bread, which is located on the
very top shelf. The young man standing almost
directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he surmised he would.
Once she descends the ladder he muses that he
really should get two loaves, as he is having
company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
one of the other male customers notices what
was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his
own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.
With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems
to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty
soon, each male customer is asking for raisin
bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.
After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking
that she is really going to have to
try the bread herself.
Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops
and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst
the crowd, staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip,
she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?
"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin'!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2007, 11:30 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
AN OLD FARMER WENT TO TOWN TO SEE A MOVIE...........
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED THE BIRD DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.
THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL.
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2007, 07:41 PM:
Rated XXX Ed in Aurora
A young girl was going on a date.
Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about young boys.
He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.
The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.
"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family."
Granny fainted!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2007, 02:45 PM:
Rated G
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of hugh red tomatoes.
The women asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the women was so impressed she deceided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden, hoping for the best.
One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the women, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormus".
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-21-2007, 09:22 AM:
Rated PG...
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during a rendezvous she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, he said if she would go to Italy to have the baby, he would give her a large sum of money. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write "SPAGHETTI" on the back. He would then arrange for support payments to begin.
Nine months later, he came home and his wife said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it," he said.
The wife watched as he read the card, turned white and passed out.
On the back of the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:13 AM:
Rated PG-13 Ed in Aurora, Ont.
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airl ines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault,it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particu larly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: " We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17 An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways"
20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain spea king. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2007, 10:58 AM:
Rated G
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts.
They are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters, who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh,he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception(of the baby)was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children,right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you kidding? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________ __________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So,then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see,but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes,it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-06-2008, 09:54 AM:
Rated G
BLONDE LOGIC
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 08:31 AM:
Rated G
Subject: A moral story
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful "old poodle" named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me back another leopard!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more youthfully challenged.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 02:03 PM:
Rated G the little woman
It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before you get married.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 08:39 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Enjoy! I especially like the final one.This set of ‘happenings’ has been around before but is still funny. They are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active ?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget ? Can you give us an example of something you forgot ?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ? '
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you ?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo ?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo ?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do ?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam ?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he ?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken ?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me ?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time ?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right ?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys ?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls ?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me ? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney ?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated ?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated ?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it ?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual ?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female ?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that ?
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK ? What school did you go to ?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample ?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question ?
_________________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless ?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 06:05 PM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf Balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally,after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, and not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 07:25 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Dearest Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home.Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine.I'm not sure about it.I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here.It only rained twice last week;the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send;your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week.
Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving.He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back.
They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt......
Mom
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-18-2008, 07:01 PM:
Rated PG...
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that
was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude,
he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!?
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably
don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him
mad.”
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon
at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A
massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his
feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in
a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and
looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his big, green head.
”What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien.
”He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his
crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his
ear.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-13-2008, 04:47 PM:
Rated G
UPS Airlines
Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked w ith a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per
minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be
serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a
midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-16-2008, 08:55 PM:
Rated PG....
A Kansas woodpecker and a Colorado woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Kansas woodpecker said Kansas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Colorado woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Kansas woodpecker was amazed. The Colorado woodpecker then challenged the Kansas woodpecker to peck a tree in Colorado that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Kansas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge.
So the two flew to Colorado where the Kansas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Colorado woodpecker was able to peck the Kansas tree and the Kansas woodpecker was able to peck the Colorado tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state? Huh?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-24-2008, 01:16 PM:
Rated G...
An Oklahoma farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.
'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.
'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?'
'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?'
'He went with Mom and Dad.'
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2009, 04:13 PM:
Rated G Jokester
The Wisdom Of Homer (No, Not the Greek One -> Homer J. Simpson)
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty.
'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"
"Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" (My favorite)
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"
A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me.
Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will.
Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!
Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die.
All life's answers are on TV.
Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands.
Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants.
Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray.
And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is.
Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream.
And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned.
Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich.
Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves!
Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!
D'OH!
Dear God, just give me one channel!
Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch)
Do I know what rhetorical means?
Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers.
Don't worry, MARGE. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do?
Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler.
Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true!
HOMER's BRAIN: "Use reverse psychology."
HOMER: "Oh, that sounds too complicated."
HOMER's BRAIN: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology."
HOMER: "Okay, I will!"