This is topic Political Humor in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2002, 05:55 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
"A Zebra does not change it's spots."
Al Gore, attacking George Bush in 1992.
Source: The Toronto Sun.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2002, 11:58 AM:
Rated G ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
Stephen
"It appears Saddam Hussein has unleashed a new weapon of mass destraction on America, a Gore-like android so realistic it is every bit as lifeless as the real thing."
Gore, He's no Dan Quale, but.......... ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 03:17 AM:
Rated G
Contempt for Congress
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself." Mark Twain
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity
is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up
by the handle." Winston Churchill
"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul." George Bernard Shaw
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money." G. Gordon
Liddy
"Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner." James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)
"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries." Douglas Casey,
Classmate of W.J.Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and
car keys to teenage boys." P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
"Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else." Frederic
Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
"Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate
it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it." Ronald Reagan (1986)
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
facts." Will Rogers
"If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see
what it costs when it's free." P.J. O'Rourke
"If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a
liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a
conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere,
you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene
anywhere, you're an extremist." Joseph Sobran, Editor of the
National Review at one time (1995)
"In general, the art of government consists in taking as much
money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the
other." Voltaire (1764)
"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you." Pericles (430 B.C.)
"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session." Mark Twain (1866)
"Talk is cheap-except when Congress does it." (Unknown)
"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other." Ronald
Reagan
"The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery." Winston Churchill
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin." Mark Twain
"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools." Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
"There is no distinctly native American criminal class save
Congress." Mark Twain
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn
well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty
to take the consequences." P.J. O'Rourke (1993)
"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians." Edward
Langley, Artist 1928-1995
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first
things to be bought and sold are legislators." P.J. O'Rourke
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 08:31 AM:
Rated G
HOW GOVERNMENT WORKS!
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of adesert. Congress said, "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the
tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they
created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer,
then hired two people.
Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one yearand we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2002, 03:19 PM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
We take you now to the Oval Office...
President George W. Bush:Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
National Security Advisor Condoleeza Rice:Sir,I have the report here about the new leader of China.
Bush:Great.Lay it on me.
Rice:Hu is the new leader of China.
Bush:That's what I want to know.
Rice:That's what I'm telling you.
Bush:That's what I'm asking you.Who is the new leader of China?
Rice:Yes.
Bush:I mean the fellow's name.
Rice:Hu.
Bush:The guy in China.
Rice:Hu.
Bush:The new leader of China.
Rice:Hu.
Bush:The Chinaman!
Rice:Hu is leading China.
Bush:Now whaddya asking me for?
Rice:I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
Bush:Well,I'm asking you.Who is leading China?
Rice:That's the mans name.
Bush:That's who's name?
Rice:Yes.
Bush:Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
China?
Rice:Yes, sir.
Bush:Yassir?Yassir Arafat is in China?I thought he was in the Middle East.
Rice:That's correct.
Bush:Then who is in China?
Rice:Yes, sir.
Bush:Yassir is in China?
Rice:No, sir.
Bush:Then who is?
Rice:Yes, sir.
Bush:Yassir?
Rice:No, sir.
Bush:Look,Rice.I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N.on the phone.
Rice:Kofi?
Bush:No,thanks.
Rice:You want Kofi?
Bush:No.
Rice:You don't want Kofi.
Bush:No.But now that you mention it,I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Rice:Yes, sir.
Bush:Not Yassir!The guy at the U.N.
Rice:Kofi?
Bush:Milk!Will you please make the call?
Rice:And call who?
Bush:Who is the guy at the U.N?
Rice:Hu is the guy in China.
Bush:Will you stay out of China?!
Rice:Yes,sir.
Bush:And stay out of the Middle East!Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Rice:Kofi.
Bush:All right!With cream and two sugars.Now get on the phone.
(Rice picks up the phone.)
Rice:Rice,here.
Bush:Rice?Good idea.And a couple of egg rolls, too.Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.And the Middle East.Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 04:25 PM:
Rated PG
Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2002, 04:30 PM:
Rated G
"I am Al Gore, and I used to be the next president of the United States of America." —Gore, in a speech at Bocconi University in Milan, Italy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 05:51 PM:
Rated G
"I often get asked the question, 'Is there anything I would have done differently?' And yes there is. If I had it to do over again, I would have kissed Tipper much longer at the convention. But she was struggling."
-—Al Gore on the 2000 presidential race
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 05:57 PM:
Rated G
"President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address,riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." —
--Daily Show host Jon Stewart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 06:08 PM:
Rated G
FOLLOWING A NUMBER of best-selling non-fiction books, Oliver North recently co-wrote his first novel, "Mission Compromised," a Tom Clancyeseque adventure story about an Oliver North-like figure named Major Peter Newman who, with the aid and support of the real-life Oliver North, has Oliver North-like adventures fighting Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein.
According to the New York Times, North would pound out an extremely rough draft of the novel after recording his radio show. The draft would then be e-mailed to North's co-writer, Joe Musser, who would take North's amateurish, unreadable prose and translate it into a slightly less amateurish and unreadable manuscript fit for publication by an undiscriminating, publicity-hungry Christian publishing house.
Out of habit, North had Fawn Hall shred his draft of the novel, lest it fall into the wrong hands, but we've obtained the following sample. According to the Times, North's draft was also written entirely in capital letters, although we've decided to omit that detail, on account of it being fucking retarded.
It was a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth as Major Peter Newman arrived for his rendezvous with the Great American Hero Oliver North.
"It is a bright, glorious day on God's green Earth, I, Major Peter Newman, am thinking to myself as I arrive at my rendezvous with The Great American Hero Oliver North," Major Peter Newman thought to himself. The sky was all blue and stuff and there were also clouds in it.
Suddenly, a man appeared. Although he looked like a man, he also looked like a Greek God (but not one of the gay ones) and also Tom Cruise.
"You must be the Great American Hero Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman.
"Yes, I am the great American Hero Oliver North," said the great American hero Oliver North. [note to Joe: is this reading good? If not, please make gooder and more booky, using describing words and stuff.]
"I understand that you have some important words to tell me, Oliver North," said Major Peter Newman. "About Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein, and also Hitler's brain."
Looking particularly heroic, Oliver North then began talking, using both words and sentences. And also his mouth: "Yes, I know where they are."
"Please tell me, then," said Major Peter Newman, who also used words to try to convey what he was thinking inside of his head.
"They're at room 417 of the Ramada Inn. They're shacked up with some cabana boys and a cigarette full of reefer. Also, some Boone's Farm."
"O.K then, I guess I'm off to go kill Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and Hitler's brain," said Major Peter Newman.
As he walked away, he thought about what a great American hero North was. He would never forget their meeting. Also, he would remember it. [note to Joe: better make room in the trophy case for a Pulitzer! Because this book will win one or two.]
Nathan Rabin
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2002, 06:14 PM:
Rated G
A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 03:48 PM:
Rated G
"Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 03:51 PM:
Rated G
The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 04:55 PM:
Rated G
"If we're so cruel to minorities, why do they keep coming here? Why aren't they sneaking across the Mexican border to make their way to the Taliban?"
--Ann Coulter
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 05:50 PM:
Rated G
"Time magazine said that George Bush lit up a cigar in the White House on Election night. Gee I hope it wasn't one of the cigars left over from the old Clinton thing."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2002, 05:52 PM:
Rated G
"Frank Lautenberg is off to Washington to represent the good people of New Jersey and do the best he can. He said earlier that he hopes to get in on some of the hot intern action."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2002, 07:53 AM:
Rated G
"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-29-2002, 10:58 AM:
Getting on for X-rated:
1988 presidential election slogan on Republican poster: 'In your heart you know it's Bush.' Graffito underneath slogan: '...and in your bush you know it's Hart!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 08:20 AM:
Rated G WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "otherside." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends,that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads,but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 09:37 AM:
Rated G
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
-—Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
"She's a wonderful, wonderful person, and we're looking to a happy and wonderful night — ah, life."
-—Sen. Ted Kennedy, speaking about his then-fiancee, Victoria Reggie
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2002, 01:59 PM:
Rated R
President Clinton's Deposition by Dr. Seuss
I are Starr
Starr I Are. I'm here to ask,
As you'll soon see...
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?
Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?
I did not do that
Here or there...
I did not do that
Anywhere!
I did not do that
Near or far...
I did not do that
Starr-you-are!
Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?
And did you tell
The girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?
I do not like you
Starr-you-are...
I think that you
Have gone too far!
I will not answer
Anymore...
Perhaps I'll go
And start a war!
The public's easy
To distract
When bombs start
Falling on Iraq!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2002, 01:57 PM:
Rated PG ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
"Clinton - Nixon Differences"
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Water Bed
Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore
Nixon: Carpet bombing
Clinton: Carpet burns
Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President was a geek
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her
Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case
Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: No difference
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on a Ho
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 12-05-2002, 10:35 AM:
Tony Blair keeps telling us that he is the people's choice. True - but there again, so was Barabbas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 05:51 PM:
Rated G
"The latest documents released this week showed that priests with drug, alcohol and sexual abuse problems continued in the ministry as recently as two years ago. That doesn't sound like a church, it sounds like Congress with holy water."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 05:56 PM:
Rated PG
FBI TO ISSUE 5-DAY TERROR FORECASTS
Recognizable Format Should Make It Easier for Americans to Organize Week
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Abandoning the last-minute, panic-inducing warning system it has used until now, the FBI today said it will begin issuing regular, five-day terror forecasts. Today's outlook: light, scattered terrorism early, tapering off by noon. Tomorrow: Clear, and seasonably dangerous.
"Everyone talks about the terrorism, but nobody does anything about it."
— Mark Twain
According to U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft, the forecasts will serve as a more consistent, and less frightening, reminder that Americans should stay vigilant, while the familiar, five-day format should make it much easier to plan ahead.
"We in law enforcement are duty-bound to report inherent danger, so we will continue to alert the public to serious threats," said Ashcroft. "But we also understand how frustrating it is to organize a family picnic or corporate event, only to have it washed out by the late-breaking specter of impending doom. So before you venture out, tune in to us."
Critics, however, immediately questioned the ability of the FBI's on-air AccuThreatTM forecasters to partake in awkward, meangingless banter with local TV news personnel, citing an exchange last night between sports anchor Marv Rupert and FBI anchor Robert Carpenter on KTLA-Los Angeles.
Marv: "...and speaking of zone defenses, Bob, I hear we might be in the 'danger zone' tomorrow. Ha ha."
Robert: "Your comments are suspicious. Do not leave the studio."
Across the country, meanwhile, most Americans welcomed the initiative, although some said it did not go far enough.
"I understand that terrorism is unpredictable, like the weather, but I need a long-range forecast, not a five-day," said bride-to-be Sarah Hanover of Keene, N.H. "I've already booked the Elks Club for June 15. Will that be a bad day? Should I switch to the 22nd? And should I wear white, or Kevlar?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 06:00 PM:
Rated PG
MORE DELAYS: IRAQ NOW SAYS U.S. MUST PUBLISH "INTENT TO ATTACK" NOTICE IN BAGHDAD PAPER
U.S. Also Needs Invasion, Demolition, Military Housing Permits
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Already frustrated by seemingly endless delays, U.S. officials today conceded a confusing knot of new Iraqi regulations that require "non-resident aggressors" to obtain hundreds of federal and provincial pre-invasion permits and licenses will further postpone any attack on Saddam Hussein.
"I keep saying we haven't set a date for an attack on Iraq, and now I think you can all see why," complained U.S. President George W. Bush, who was busily typing up an "Intent to Overthrow" notice that must be published in an Iraqi newspaper of record for two weeks.
"I'm starting to think all the hassle is just not worth it," added U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who has been shuttling back and forth between Washington and the Iraqi consulate in Paris trying to get the appropriate paperwork. "They say we have to get temporary military lodging permits, heavy equipment usage permits. We even have to submit an environmental impact study before we can destroy any buildings."
"They may have asbestos," explained Ibrahim Hekmat, a building inspector in the Public Works Ministry.
Indeed, according to Mohammed Mahdi Saleh, Iraq's Minister of Military Intervention and Industry, much has changed in Iraq since the United States invaded in 1991.
"You can no longer just come in here and demolish a structure or occupy a city," said Saleh. "You must post a notice in the newspaper to solicit public comments and submit a form S-14/TQ-3A. And then there are mandatory public hearings. Our board meets on the second Wednesday of each month, excluding Ramadan."
If a proposal is accepted, applicants still have to obtain permits and approvals from dozens of governmental agencies in each of the 18 Iraqi provinces, including the Al Muthanna Military Intervention Board, the Mosul Inland Wetlands Council, and the infamous Al-Basrah Historic District Commission, which has already warned that all non-Iraqi military weaponry must be made of stone, and that transport vehicles be painted to look like camels.
Even if the U.S. project is granted the estimated 600 necessary approvals, the Americans must still obtain a Certificate of Occupation from local officials in any affected area. And then they may not be able to stay. According to new immigration laws, anyone planning to remain in the country for more than six months must obtain a J-6 "Permanent Alien Aggressor" visa. But Iraq only issues 10,000 J-6 visas a year, and each soldier must apply in person. To make matters worse, 25 percent of any invasion force has to be composed of Iraqi electricians.
"Hey, that's not us, that's union," Saleh stressed.
According to White House sources, the entire situation has caused some Bush aides to suggest invading relatively lax Syria instead.
"I mean, to build a single latrine, we need a Domestic Septage Disposal Site permit, a Treatment Facility Installer's permit, a Waste Facilities Management Operating permit, and a Non-Hazardous Solid Waste Transportation permit," said Rumsfeld. "I'll tell you right now, Iraq doesn't need presidential reform, it needs regulatory reform."
"That is one reason we have not been successful," offered London-based Iraqi opposition leader Sharif Ali Bin Al Hussein. "The application for a C10-33 Indigenous Rebellion permit is 900 pages long."
With international opinion running against an attack on Saddam, Rumsfeld yesterday said the United States may try to avoid the red tape and resort to covert operations. The Iraqi Board of Non-Traditional Interventions and Planning will meet the second Tuesday in September to consider the proposal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:25 PM:
Rated G
"It was revealed this week that a shadow government of seventy-five senior officials has been living and working in secret bunkers in the event that the nation's capital is attacked. This is not to be confused with the pretend government that Al Gore has been running in his basement for the last year."
—Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:27 PM:
Rated G
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.
- —Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:30 PM:
Rated G
"Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
-—Will Rogers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:32 PM:
Rated G
"A number of things that I put in (the diary) were inaccurate, and some of them simply weren't true....On occasion, I discovered I would recount conversations that simply didn't happen.''
—Sen. Bob Packwood, referring to his infamous diaries in which he boasted of his sexual dalliances with staff members
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:34 PM:
Rated G
"The attractive lady whom I had only recently been introduced to dropped into my lap....I chose not to dump her off."
—Former Senator and presidential candidate Gary Hart,on his encounter with Donna Rice
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:36 PM:
Rated G
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
—Dan Quayle
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:38 PM:
Rated G
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
-—Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, D.C.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:40 PM:
Rated G
"There they are. See no evil, hear no evil, and...evil."
-—Bob Dole, watching former presidents Carter, Ford and Nixon standing by each other at a White House event
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:42 PM:
Rated G
“The enemy isn’t conservatism. The enemy isn’t liberalism. The enemy is bullshit."
-—Lars-Erik Nelson, political columnist
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2002, 08:47 PM:
Rated R
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he noticed a white band from just above his eyes to the top of his head.
Fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.
After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.
Jesse did and replied "that tasted like shit."
The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2002, 06:19 PM:
Rated G
THE FREE SOCIETY
Father,must I work to eat?
Oh,no my lucky son,
We're living now on easy street
With Dough from Washington.
We left it up to Uncle Sam;
Now don't get exercised
Nobody has to give a damn,
We've all been subsidized!
But if Sam treats us all so well,
And feeds us milk and honey,
Please tell me, Daddy,where of where
He's going to get the money?
Don't worry, son there isn't no hitch
in this noble plan;
It simply soaks the filthy rich
And helps the common man.
But Daddy, won't there come a time
if we take all their cash,
When they'll be left without a dime
And things will go smash?
My faith in you is shrinking son,
You nosey little brat;
You do too damn much thinking,boy
To be a Democrat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2002, 08:35 AM:
Rated PG
Political Quotes:
"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job"
George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign
"This is a great day for France!"
-Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'"
-George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students
"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh...setbacks." -George Bush
"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."
-Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on
"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore that is Maryland."
-William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address
"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." -George Bush
"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at."
-George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline
"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed."
-Ronald Reagan
"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed."
-Ronald Reagan
Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.
Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.
-George Bush, and Walter Mondale on the Alaska pipeline
"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
---George Bush, Reuters, May 5, 2000
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2002, 10:54 AM:
Rated G
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 08:46 AM:
Rated G
"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."
--Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 08:50 AM:
Rated G
"Democrats did very well in the Democratic primaries."
--Dee Dee Myers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 08:52 AM:
Rated G
"Part of growing up is learning how to control one's impulses."
--Hillary Clinton, introducing Bill at a gun-control fundraiser
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 08:53 AM:
Rated G
"President Clinton had a bill, e-i-e-i-o. And in that bill was lots of pork, e-i-e-i-o."
--Al D'Amato, Senator from New York, criticing the 1994 crime bill
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 11:17 AM:
Rated G
"No man is an Ireland."
--Richard J. Daley, mayor of Chicago
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2002, 11:18 AM:
Rated G
"I never use the words 'Democrats' and 'Republicans.' It's 'liberals' and 'Americans.'"
--James Watt, Sec of the Interior
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:00 AM:
Rated G
"The first Black president will be a politician who is Black."
--Doug Wilder, Gov. of Virginia
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:01 AM:
Rated G
"I cook occasionally just to see how easy a woman's work is."
--Tip O'Neill, Representative from Massachusetts
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:06 AM:
Rated G
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind, or not to have a mind. How true that is."
--Dan Quayle, addressing the United Negro College Fund.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
"If you work for Bill Clinton, you go up and down more often than a whore's nightgown."
--James Carville
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 12:41 PM:
Rated G
"I love sports. Whenever I can, I watch the Detriot Tigers on radio."
--Gerald Ford, Former President of the United States.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 03:24 PM:
Rated PG
Dr. Seuss Goes to Flor-Duh
Can We Count Them with Our Nose?
Can We Count Them with Our Toes?
Should We Count Them With a Band
Should We Count Them All By Hand?
If I Do Not Like The Count,
I Will Simply Throw Them Out.
I Will Not Let This Vote Count Stand
I Do Not Like Them, Al Gore I Am.
Can We Change These Numbers Here?
Can We Change Them, Calm My Fears?
What Do You Mean, Dubya Has Won?
This Is Not Fair, This Is Not Fun
Lets Count Them Upside Down This Time
Let's Count Them Until The State Is Mine!
I Will Not This Vote Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I'm Really Ticked, I'm In A Snit!
You've Not Heard The Last Of It!
I'll Count The Ballots One By One
And Hold Each One Up To The Sun!
I'll Count, Recount, and Count Some More!
You'll Grow To Hate This Little Chore
But I Will Not, Cannot Let This Vote Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I Won't Leave Office, I'm Stayin' Here!
I've Glued My Desk Chair To My Rear!
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba Too,
All Telling Me That I Should Sue!
We Find The Electoral College Vile!
Recount The Votes Until I Smile.
We Do Not Want This Vote To Stand!
We Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
How Shall We Count This Ballot Box?
Let's Count It Standing In Our Socks!
Shall We Count This One In A Tree?
And Who Shall Count It, You or Me?
We Cannot, Cannot Count Enough!
We Must Stop, We Must Be Tough!
I Do Not Want This Vote To Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
I've Counted Until My Fingers Bleed!
An Still Can't Fulfill My Counting Need!
I'll Count The Tiles On The Floor!
I'll Count, And Count, And Count Some More!
And I Will Not Say That I Am Done!
Until The Counting Says I've Won!
I Will Not Let This Count Stand!
I Do Not Like It, Al Gore I Am!
What's that? What? What Are You Trying To Say?
You Think The Current Count Should Stay?
You Do Not Like My Counting Scheme?
It Makes You Tense, Gives You Bad Dreams?
Foolish People, You're Wrong You'll See!
You're Only Care Should Be For Me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT, AL GORE I AM!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:20 PM:
Rated R
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans,
"Contrary to what you have been taught,each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying,
"Don't worry.You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first.Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher,reaching to his waist.George began to sweat,thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side.Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.
As he ascended to the other side,he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.A shock of surprise registered on his face,as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water.He turned to Michael and exclaimed,"I know Al Gore,Al Gore is a friend of mine,and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply,Al Gore shouted back,"I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:41 PM:
Rated G
Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a puppy?
A: After five weeks, the puppy will open its eyes and stop whining.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:44 PM:
Rated R
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy O'Hara up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next-door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub -- that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have a million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorrah!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have sixteen thousand tanks, fourteen thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to two million men since we last spoke."
"Bloody hell!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "We've had a look at the Geneva Convention, all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 07:46 PM:
Rated R
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2002, 08:02 PM:
Rated G
Reagan, Nixon and Clinton are on the Titanic.
The ship hits the iceberg and sinks slowly.
Everybody starts screaming, panicking, etc.
Reagan shouts: "Women and children first."
Nixon goes: "Fuck the women."
Clinton replies: "Do you think we have time?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2002, 07:40 AM:
Rated PG
A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight.He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.
The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair.
A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 19 days to complete.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2002, 10:42 AM:
Rated G
"Hubert H. Humphrey talks so fast,listening to him is like trying to read Playboy while your wife turns the pages."
--Barry Goldwater
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2002, 10:44 AM:
Rated G
"Do I let a group of powermongering men with short penises tell me what to do?"
--Doris Allen, California Assembly Speaker
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2002, 04:13 PM:
Rated PG Posted on Wed, Dec. 18, 2002
TRENT LOTT EXPOSED
A 'neatnik,' a southerner & he's really a chester By DON RUSSELL
HE TALKS like a Southern-bred cracker and looks like he got his haircut in 1954. But what else do we know about Sen. Trent Lott?
Thanks to his years of prominence in Congress, from Nixonite congressman to Senate majority leader, the public record paints a damningly clear picture of the Mississippi good ol' boy fighting for his political life after exposing himself as a Jim Crow segregationist.
We know, for example, that he's a former cheerleader.
He compares himself favorably to Jefferson Davis, president of the Confederate States of America.
And he's a self-described "neatnik" who keeps his socks sorted by color. (No word on whether he permits the black ones to mingle in the same drawer as the whites.)
What else?
Read on...Here are 50 things you didn't know about Trent Lott.
1. Born Oct. 9, 1941, in Grenada County, Miss., to a laid-off hubcap factory worker and a piano teacher.
2. Trent is his middle name. His real first name is "Chester."
3. Boyhood nickname: "Gap," because, he later said, "I had a gap between my front teeth you could drive a Mack truck through." Braces cleaned up his smile in his 20s.
4. Dad was a heavy drinker who died in a car crash when he and the other driver were both DUI.
5. Third-grade crush: Betty Truelove.
6. Married his college sweetheart, Tricia Thompson. Has a son, Chet, and daughter, Tyler. Trish and Tyler once took heat from the folks back home in cotton-picking country for wearing polyester in a D.C. fashion show.
7. When Tyler got married, Lott was reported to have danced with every woman on the guest list. "I was kind of out of control," he later said.
8. His uncle was a local leader of the anti-integration White Citizens Council.
9. Token minority gesture: The council doesn't wear hoods.
10. Voted "neatest boy" in his high school class.
11. Practiced food segregation as a lad. "He didn't like his food to touch," says a high school classmate. "He would eat one item at a time, and then turn the plate."
12. Never drank alcohol.
13. Suffers from incessant bad breath, frequently pops mints.
14. Wears starched white shirts and silk ties.
15. Combs every strand of hair into place before leaving home.
16. And, no, despite appearances, it is NOT a toupee.
17.Keeps his socks sorted. "Doesn't everybody?" he wondered in an interview with NBC's Lisa Myers.
18. Slips into cotton pajamas immediately after returning home from work.
19.Favorite phrase: "Straight ahead."
20. Is Trent Lott Satan?
Visitors to a Web site
(mongo.virtualave.net)
devoted to that question voted 3-to-1 that he is, in fact, Beelzebub.
21. Token minority gesture: D.C. sedan of choice is a Cadillac.
22. Attended all-white Pascagoula High. Sang in the boys' quartet, elected class president.
23. Attended all-white University of Mississippi in the early '60s, where he opposed integration by student James Meredith. "Yes," he told Time in 1997, "you could say that I favored segregation then."
24. As president of the school's all-white Sigma Nu chapter, he voted against integration of his fraternity.
25. Earned bachelor's degree in public administration and law degree from Mississippi.
26.Token minority gesture: Credited with keeping his fraternity brothers out of the 1962 anti-black Ole Miss riot that ended in two deaths and 150 arrests.
27.Played tuba in high school.
28. As head cheerleader at Ole Miss, he carried the Confederate battle flag onto the field during football games.
29. Formed an all-white quartet at Mississippi called The Chancellors.
30. At-ease, humorous public speaker. Once took a swipe at Al Gore's claim that he invented the Internet by retorting that his own well-known "passion for order" led him to invent the paper clip.
31. As a member of the all-white Singing Senators (with Larry Craig, Idaho; James Jeffords, Vermont; and John Ashcroft, now attorney general), he appears on "Let Freedom Sing!" CD. The CD was produced by one of Lott's former college buddies who was a former singer on the "Lawrence Welk Show."
32.Token minority gesture: The group frequently sang "Battle Hymn of the Republic."
33.Built political contacts in law school while running Ole Miss alumni office.
34. One year out of school, he abandoned his law practice and began political career as aide to U.S. Rep. William Colmer, a Mississippi Democrat known as an ardent segregationist.
35. Elected to House in 1972 as a Republican on Richard Nixon's coattails. Later became first Southern Republican whip.
36. Elected to Senate in 1988, became GOP whip in 1994 - the first Republican ever elected whip in both houses.
37. Was Senate majority leader for five years, till his singing partner, James Jeffords, defected to the Democratic party in 2001.
38. Wrote legislation declaring Jefferson Davis' Senate desk the permanent seat of the senior senator from Mississippi.
39.Token minority gesture: Hired black people to work for his Senate office staff, contending, "My actions in trying to directly help individuals" means more than his votes as a congressman.
40. Loves pork-barrel spending in his state. When Mississippi dropped to No. 6 in per capita federal spending earlier this year (from No. 3), Lott bemoaned the decline, but said the state's ranking is "still very respectable. Of course, the definition of wasteful 'pork' is always in the eye of the beholder. In my eye, if it's south of Memphis, it sure isn't pork."
41. As youngest member of the House Judiciary Committee, he voted against impeachment of Richard Nixon in 1974. Twenty-five years later, he voted for the impeachment of Bill Clinton.
42. Credited with undermining Sen. John McCain's 2000 presidential bid.
43.Torpedoed anti-tobacco bill of 1999.
44. Though he represents the 50th poorest state in the union, he is known as one of Washington's biggest opponents of efforts to raise the minimum wage.
45. Picked an early fight with Sen. Hillary Clinton, but backed off when she showed her spine.
46. Once declared he feels closer to Jefferson Davis "than any other man in America."
47. In mid-'90s, organized the Dark Ages Weekend, a mid-winter outing for ultra right-wingers at Miami's posh Doral Golf Resort and Spa in Miami.
48. Was among the Republicans who walked out of Sen. Paul Wellstone's memorial service at the University of Minnesota.
49.In 1981, helped Jackson, Miss., annex white suburbs to dilute political strength of black voters.
50. Token minority gesture: Introduced Senate resolution condemning arson of black churches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2002, 09:16 AM:
Rated PG
Sung to the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands"
BOMB IRAQ
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
Bomb Iraq.
If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.
Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
Bomb Iraq.
So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2002, 12:12 PM:
Rated PG
"Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and one percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2002, 01:01 PM:
Rated PG
Correct Holidays...
Republicans say, "Merry Christmas!"
Democrats say, "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army.
Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time,to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at the Republicans on their Christmas list by
giving them fruitcakes.
Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve.
Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning.
When toasting the holidays,Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine.
Democrats ask for a "Bud."
When not in stores,Republicans shop from a catalog.
Democrats watch for"incredible TV offers" on late night television.
Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart.
So do Republicans,but they don't admit it.
Republican parents have no problem buying toy guns for their kids.
Democrats refuse to do so.That is why their kids pretend to shoot
each other with dolls.
Republicans spends hundreds of dollars and hours of work
decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays.
Democrats save their time and money,and drive around at night to
look at *other* people's lights.
Democrats' favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street."
Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life."
Right-Wing Republicans' favorite Christmas movie is "Die Hard."
Republicans always take the price tag off expensive gifts before
wrapping.
Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts ... and reposition them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the
festive season.
Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas cards.
Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Deck the Halls."
Young Democrats' favorite Christmas carol is "Grandma Got Run Over
by a Reindeer."
Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Young Republicans' favorite Christmas carol is "White Christmas."
Cheapskate Republicans buy an artificial Christmas tree.
Tight-fisted Democrats buy a real tree,but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices.
Democrat men like to watch football while the women fix holiday
meals.
On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play
"Cowboys and Indians."
Democrats don't either,as long as the Indians win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped
believing in Santa Claus.
Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in
Santa Claus.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2002, 06:49 PM:
Rated PG
Pick one:
1 What did Attorney General John Ashcroft do to a pair of partially nude statues in the Great Hall of the Justice Department
A. Fitted them with chastity belts
B. Draped curtains in front of them at a cost to taxpayers of more than $8, 000
C. Decried them as part of an epidemic of "Girls Gone Wild"
D. Serenaded them with a stirring rendition of his blockbuster hit, "Let the Eagle Soar"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
2 Death Star, Fat Boy, Get Shorty and Ricochet are all names for what?
A. Domestic security programs proposed by John Ashcroft to monitor the movements of all citizens at all times
B. Schemes Enron used to manipulate California's electricity market
C. Schemes Enron used to manipulate Dick Cheney's energy task force
D. Nicknames given by President Bush to senior members of his Cabinet
E. Nicknames given by Trent Lott to his buddies
------------------------------------------------------------------
3 Match the politician with the quotation:
A. Bill Clinton
B. Strom Thurmond
C. Al Gore
D. Tom DeLay
E. James Traficant
1. "I wanted to have Playboy bunnies come on at night to meet with me. I wanted to be promiscuous with them."
2. "I love all of you, and especially your wives."
3. "I set up a music room in my house . . . and blow away."
4. "I'm concerned about the economy. I was the first one laid off."
5. "We're no longer a superpower. We're a super-duper power."
------------------------------------------------------------------
4 What did Bill Clinton say he would "grab a rifle, get in a ditch, and fight and die" for?
A. A chance to be the next Oprah
B. A chance to star on "The Bachelor"
C. The defense of America
D. The defense of Israel
E. An advance copy of Playboy's "Women of Enron" issue
----------------------------------------------------------------
5 President Bush said all of the following except:
A. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
B. "I promise you I will listen to what has been said here, even though I wasn't here."
C. How many Palestinians were on those airplanes on Sept. 9? None.
D. "The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
----------------------------------------------------------------
6 True or false: Former Vice President Al Gore was pulled aside for random airport security checks twice in two days while flying to and from Washington, D.C.
----------------------------------------------------------------
7 Beijing's largest newspaper printed as fact a satirical news story from "The Onion" that claimed:
A. Congress was threatening to relocate to Memphis or Charlotte unless a new Capitol was built with a retractable dome
B. Kevin Bacon has been linked to al Qaeda
C. Nuclear bomb instructions had been found inside the Pentagon
D. President Bush had called on the United Nations to support his "U.S. Does Whatever it Wants" plan
------------------------------------------------------------------
8 Talk radio host Rush Limbaugh has referred to former Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle by all of the following nicknames except:
A. Hanoi Tom
B. El Diablo
C. Turd Blossom
D. Puff Daschle
-----------------------------------------------------------------
9 Match the Iran-Contra scandal conspirator with his current line of work in the Bush administration:
A. Elliott Abrams
B. John Poindexter
C. Otto Reich
D. John Negroponte
1. Convicted in 1990 on five felony counts of lying and obstruction of justice (the conviction was later overturned); now heading the Pentagon's Total Information Awareness Project
2. Pleaded guilty in 1991 to withholding information from Congress (he was later pardoned by the first President Bush); recently promoted to serve as Bush's point man on the Middle East
3. Ambassador to Honduras while illegal aid was funneled through that country to the Contras; now serving as U.S. ambassador to the United Nations
4. In charge of an agency accused of running a covert propaganda campaign against the Nicaraguan government; now serving as the State Department's special envoy to Latin America
--------------------------------------------------------------------
10 A congressional investigation found that military personnel used Pentagon-issued credit cards to make which of the following purchases at taxpayer expense:
A. $38,000 for lap dances
B. $34,250 for gambling expenses
C. $3,400 for a sumo wrestling outfit
D. $16,000 for a corporate gold membership
E. All of the above
-----------------------------------------------------------------
11 Which one of the following statements about newly elected Rep. Katherine Harris is false?
A. She was opposed in the Republican primary by a dog whose owner mounted a write-in campaign
B. She received a $250,000 campaign contribution from Maybelline
C. She violated Florida election law by failing to resign as secretary of state in time to run for Congress, but got around that by backdating her resignation letter
D. She won the lottery held for incoming House freshmen to determine first choice of Capitol Hill office space
E. She was appointed to a Congressional leadership position that controls the Republican's vote-counting operation
---------------------------------------------------------------------
12 Who said, "The only thing I know, 100 percent for sure, is that my husband is an honest, decent, moral human being who would do absolutely nothing wrong."
A. Hillary Clinton
B. Carolyn Condit
C. Lynne Cheney
D. Linda Lay
E. Patricia Traficant
----------------------------------------------------------------------
13 Match the following staunch proponents of war against Iraq with their reason for avoiding military service in Vietnam:
A. Dick Cheney
B. Tom DeLay
C. Trent Lott
D. Rush Limbaugh
1. "Had other priorities"
2. Had anal cysts
3. Claimed there was no room for patriotic folks like himself because minorities had taken up all the slots
4. Had already served instead as a college cheerleader
ANSWERS
1.B, 2.B, 3. A-3, B-2, C-4, D-5, E-1, 4.D, 5.C (Dan Quayle said it), 6.True, 7.A, 8.C (Turd Blossom is Bush's nickname for Karl Rove), 9. A-2, B-1, C-4, D-3; 10.E; 11.B; 12.D; 13. A-1, B-3, C-4, D-2
Daniel Kurtzman is a San Francisco writer and former Washington political correspondent.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-25-2002, 09:03 AM:
Rated G
A Politically Correct Holiday Greeting
Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice , but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus... A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes.
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-26-2002, 12:39 PM:
Rated PG
CNN Late Breaking News!
It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces.
The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan.
Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up!
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 12-26-2002, 02:25 PM:
'The problem with political suicide is that you live to regret it.' - Winston Churchill
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 09:21 AM:
Rated PG
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...CLICK...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn. Not to be outdone, The African repeats the ritual.... CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of
the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last yeardevising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later
smiling, and says, "Your turn." The Africanescorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.
The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test
of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 09:47 AM:
Rated PG
12/07/02 - Man sentenced for talking of "burning Bush"
WASHINGTON, Dec 6, 2002 (Xinhua via COMTEX) -- A US man, who talked of "burning Bush" before President George W. Bush visited South Dakota in 2001, was sentenced on Friday to 37 months in prison.
Richard Humphreys of Portland, Oregon, was convicted in September of threatening to kill or harm Bush.
Humphreys vowed to appeal the sentence, saying that the comment was his right to free speech.
Humphreys made the remark as he talked with a truck driver at a barroom, their discussion was overheard by a bartender who reported to police about the possibility of someone burning Bush.
"I said God might speak to the world through a burning Bush," Humphreys testified during his trial in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. "I had said that before and I thought it was funny."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2002, 12:20 PM:
Rated G
"There is talk on Capitol Hill of cutting the national beer tax in half. Today, Bush's daughters said, 'Dad Rules'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2003, 11:51 AM:
Rated G JJ Keeping warm in the West
President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks "How come the Jews know everything before we do?"
The CIA chief says "The Jews have this expression 'VOS TUT ZICH'. They just ask each other and they know everything (which for those of you who are not ewish, means "What's cooking?").
The president decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long payis etc) and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.
The president stops him and whispers "vos tut sich?"
The old guy whispers back "Bush is in Brooklyn".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2003, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
Moses
Recently while going through an airport,President Bush encountered a man with long hair,wearing a robe and sandals,holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said,"Aren't you Moses?"The man
never answered but just kept staring ahead.Again the President said,"Moses!"in a loud voice.The man just kept staring ahead,never answering the president.
Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said,"Doesn't this man look like Moses to you?" The secret service agent agreed with the President."Well," said the President,"every time I say his name,he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak.Watch!"Again,the President yelled,"Moses!"and again the man stared ahead.
The secret service man went up to the man in the robe and whispered,"You look just like Moses.Are you Moses?"The man leaned over and whispered,"Yes,I am Moses,but the last time I listened to a bush I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 09:59 AM:
Rated G
Which is more useful, a Russian radio broadcast or a Russian newspaper?
--The newspaper, of course... you can use it to wrap herring
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 05:05 PM:
Rated G
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."
--G. Gordon Liddy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2003, 06:06 PM:
Rated G
Brezhnev gathers Politburo top council in the country and says:
- Comrades, you are growing senile and loosing your marbles.
Yesterday,during the burial of our dear comrade Gromyko when the music started playing only I myself got the hint and asked a lady for a dance.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2003, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Ira Lawson
"Construction has started on the William J. Clinton Presidential Center.When completed, the facility will house more than 100 million documents, more than 2 million photos from the Clinton administration and will be the only presidential library with an 'adults-only' section."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2003, 11:59 AM:
Rated G
Texans in Hell
A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.
"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.
The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, and sure enough they are showing some signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has even rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.
"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."
So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.
"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"
A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 04:36 PM:
Rated G
Enron Man Spam Scam
The Enron scandal has taken another bizarre twist with far reaching political and financial implications even though President Bush has signed sweeping legislation to curtail fraud and corruption in America.
Corporate America is reeling over fresh allegations the "Nigerian Scam" , also known as the 419 Fraud is operated by Enron officials.
Evidence indicates the company did not just lie about profits, conceal debts and undertake a number of shady dealings — they originated the elaborate Nigerian scam to generate billions of dollars from literally nothing.
The scam, operates as follows: the target receives an unsolicited email (fax, or letter) concerning Nigeria and containing a money laundering or illegal proposal. The variations are endless.
Victims are eventually asked to pay an up front fee. Once paid other "complications" requiring more payments ensue until the victim either quits or runs out of money.
Many thought the Nigerian government was behind the scheme because most emails can be traced back to Nigeria. Some come from Ghana, Togo, Liberia, Sierra Leone, the Ivory Coast and other African countries.
Ironically, it is only because of Enron's current predicament that details of its involvement in the scam have come to light.
Enron filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, allowing it to salvage its business by spinning off various assets — one of which was a small Nigerian holding company.
Key witnesses appearing before congressional committees refused to speak in order to avoid incriminating themselves and the role of Anderson Accounting in setting up this company is still uncertain.
The Bush administration is continuing to take a tough stance on the matter.
"Every corporate official who has chosen to commit a crime can expect to face the consequences," Mr Bush said. "No more easy money for corporate criminals, just hard time."
The sheer size of the fraud mean the government is almost powerless to act.
Money stolen by the Nigerian scam operations is never recovered and victims have little or no recourse in the matter.
Evidence of government involvement is also mounting.
It is believed that the American government worked closely with Nigerian officials to ensure the money ended up in America.
Recent examinations of the emails by Professor Thixstone a forensic linguistic expert, indicate the language and bad grammar is more typical of the poor standards in the American schooling system rather then the Nigerian dialect.
Conservative estimates suggest the scheme has generated over six billion dollars since it began in the early 1980s. This would make it one of largest industries in Nigeria.
The scam explains how Enron managed to grow from nothing to become America's seventh largest company, employing 21,000 staff in more than 40 countries.
Proposed anti-spam legislation is coming under intense pressure from lobby groups, outraged investors, employees, pension holders and politicians who see the Nigerian scam as the only way of recovering their financial loss and financing a future war on Iraq.
New anti-spam legislation will probably allow the Nigerian scam to continue.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 08:15 AM:
Rated G
The Post Turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man,(he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle,)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas.
The old man said,"Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".
So,not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.
And he said,"When your driving down a country road,and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top,that's a post turtle.You know he didn't get there by himself,he doesn't belong there,he can't get anything done while he's up there,and you just want to help the poor thing down."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 09:49 AM:
Rated G
Roswell Cover Up
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 04:04 PM:
Rated PG ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
Please pause a moment,reflect back, and take the following Multiple Choice test.
(The events are actual cuts from past history.They actually happened! Do you remember?)
1. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
massacred by:
a. Olga Corbitt
b. Sitting Bull
c. Arnold Schwarzeneger
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
2. In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
a. Lost Norwegians
b. Elvis
c. A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
3. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon by:
a. John Dillinger
b. The King of Sweden
c. The Boy Scouts
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
4. In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
a. A pizza delivery boy
b. Pee Wee Herman
c. Geraldo Rivera
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
5. In 1985 the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his wheelchair by:
a. The Smurfs
b. Davy Jones
c. The Little Mermaid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
6. In 1985 TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens,and a U.S. Navy
diver trying to rescue passengers was murdered by:
a. Captain Kid
b. Charles Lindbergh
c. Mother Teresa
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
7. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
a. Scooby Doo
b. The Tooth Fairy
c. Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
8. In 1993 the World Trade Center was bombed the first time by:
a. Richard Simmons
b. Grandma Moses
c. Michael Jordan
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
9. In 1998,the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
a. Mr. Rogers
b. Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems
c. The World Wrestling Federation
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
10. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as
missiles to take out the World Trade Center and of the remaining
two, one crashed into the US Pentagon and the other was diverted
to a crash by the passengers.
Thousands of people were killed by:
a. Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd
b. The Supreme Court of Florida
c. Mr. Bean
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
11. In 2002 the United States fought a war in Afghanistan against:
a. Enron
b. The Lutheran Church
c. The NFL
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
12. In 2002 reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and murdered by:
a. Bonny and Clyde
b. Captain Kangaroo
c. Billy Graham
d. Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40
Now, isn't it strange that the two snipers recently captured in the DC, Virginia, Maryland area are Muslim?
Nope, ....I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling,do you?
So, to ensure we Americans never offend anyone, particularly
fanatics intent on killing us, airport security screeners will
no longer be allowed to profile certain people.
They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification,Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips, and Medal of Honor winning former Governors.
As the writer of the award winning story Forest Gump so aptly put
it,"Stupid is as stupid does!"
Let's send this to as many people as we can....Muslim males between the ages of 17 and 40 shouldn't be offended. If this was the old days it would be alot worse!!
Just think of this when you're taking off your shoes at the airport
....smile....and think how the guy smelling your feet feels!!
Posted by David Favel (Member # 1125) on 01-19-2003, 03:51 PM:
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched
as our government underwent a peaceful transition of power
2 years ago.
George W. Bush take his oath of office. However, all that
pride quickly vanished as I later watched George W. Bush
board Air Force One for the first time.
I saw 21 Marines, in full dress uniform with rifles,
fire a 21-gun salute to the incoming president. It was then
that realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every last one of them missed him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2003, 09:29 AM:
Rated G
Hillary Abuses
She was seen recently on the senate floor speaking against the high salaries of company CEO's.....
Hillary Rodham Clinton, as a New York State Senator, now comes under this fancy "Congressional Retirement and Staffing Plan," which means that even if she never gets reelected, she STILL receives her Congressional salary until she dies.
If Bill outlives her, he then inherits HER salary until HE dies. He is already getting his Presidential salary until he dies. If Hillary outlives Bill, she also gets HIS salary until she dies. Guess who pays for that?
WE DO!
It's common knowledge that in order for her to establish NY residency, they purchased a million dollar-plus house in upscale Chappaqua, New York.
Makes sense. They are entitled to Secret Service protection for life. Still makes sense. Here is where it becomes interesting. Their mortgage payments hover at around $10,000 per month. BUT, an extra residence HAD to be built within the acreage to house the Secret Service agents.
The Clintons charge the Federal government $10,000 monthly rent for the use of that extra residence, which is just about equal to their mortgage payment. This means that we, the taxpayers, are paying the Clinton's salary, mortgage, transportation, safety and security, as well as the salaries for their 12 man staff -- and this is all perfectly legal!
When she runs for President, will you vote for her?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2003, 06:51 AM:
Rated G
Bush Sells Alaska Back to Russia
WASHINGTON (AheadOfNews.com) - Citing concerns about homeland security, "friendship with friends," and the lack of oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, U.S. President George W. Bush today sold Alaska back to Russia for $7 million. Supported by Republican leaders in Congress, Bush completed the sale despite objections from Democrats and Alaskans. Their last-minute appeal to the courts ended when, after several minutes of deliberation, the Supreme Court sided 5-4 with Bush.
Bush plumped the sale as the best way to protect Alaska from attack.
"The enemies of America have no reason to attack Russia," he said. "As part of Russia, Alaska will be safe from evildoers who despise the American way of life."
Bush also argued that the sale was important to maintaining good international relations and would speed efforts, long spearheaded by the oil and gas industry, to develop the wildlife refuge.
"When Russian President Vladimir Putin was in high school," Bush said, "America was an enemy. Now Russian students can know America as a friend and can go there and drill for oil."
Smiling broadly, Russian President Vladimir Putin accepted the deed to the state, nicknamed The Last Frontier. The sale involved about 591,000 square miles of land, which Russia had owned in the 19th century. In 1867, Secretary of State William H. Seward agreed to buy Alaska from Russia for $7 million. His critics referred to the deal as "Seward's Folly."
"Now we have Putin's Folly," the Russian president said, displaying his famous dry wit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2003, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2003, 11:19 AM:
Rated G
Bushisms ‘Resignate’
The President’s Gift of Gab Pays Off
By Buck Wolf
Jan. 21 — Don't "misunderestimate" President Bush's "embettered" English. Bushisms are big business and worthy of "analyzation."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2003, 07:31 AM:
Rated G
The Washington D.C. Mugger
Late one night in the Washington D.C. a mugger wearing a ski mask
jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his
ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant,the affluent man replied,"You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case,"breplied the robber,"give me MY money!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2003, 07:58 AM:
Rated G ...............Lorraine
Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:41 PM:
Rated G
"Tonight, Joe Lieberman will be joining us. You may remember him as the man who came this close to losing the vice presidency in 2000. But he won, so now he's not vice president."
- —Jon Stewart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:43 PM:
Rated PG
"President Bush's approval ratings are at 58 percent and they keep dropping a little bit at a time. Here's the difference, President Clinton, his approval ratings never went down. Now, his interns on the other hand."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2003, 01:47 PM:
Rated PG
"Are you excited about this cloning thing? That company CloneAid, which has been doing all this research, made an announcement that they have been able to clone a Bill Clinton Jr. from a blue dress."
—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 07:49 AM:
Rated PG
The Secretary of State was visiting the President.
The Secretary of State noticed the President had acquired two new dogs,and asked him what their names were.
The President responded by saying that one was named Rolex and
one was named Timex.
The Secretary of State said,"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
Whereupon the President responded,"What else you gonna name watch dogs?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 09:13 AM:
Rated G
Will Rogers on the Government and Politics
* "I don't make jokes.I just watch the government and report the facts."
* "With Congress,every time they make a joke it's a law, and
everytime they make a law it's a joke."
* "Never blame a legislative body for not doing something.
When they do nothing,that don't hurt anybody.
When they do something is when they become dangerous."
* "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying
for."
* "The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get
elected."
* "The short memories of American voters is what keeps our
politicians in office."
* "The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you
got to admit that each party is worse than the other.The one
that's out always looks the best."
* "Our public men are speaking every day on something, but they
ain't saying anything."
* "The budget is a mythical bean bag.Congress votes mythical
beans into it,and then tries to reach in and pull real beans out."
* "If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics."
* "Everything is changing.People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."
* "The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
* "The only difference between death and taxes is that death
doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."
* "I don't want to complain, but every time they build a tax
structure,the first thing they nail is me.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 01:47 PM:
Rated R ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Clinton and Gore
Clinton and Gore are sitting around in the oval office, shooting the breeze. After a while, as expected, the Lewinsky situation came up.
Gore says, "You know Bill, I just think we have different mindsets about things. For example, I don't believe in premarital sex. I never slept with Tipper before we got married. How about you?"
Clinton paused and thought, then said, "I don't know Al, what was her maiden name again?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2003, 09:15 AM:
Rated G IF LIEBERMAN BECOMES PRESIDENT
1) White House brunches now include lox AND nova and a little
kugel, some nice cheese, blintzes, maybe some eggs, but not too
runny, every kind of bagel, and coffee...de-caf.
2) The Jackie Mason postage stamp.
3) Chinese food every Sunday night!
4) The White House floors will be SPOTLESS.
5) Christmas tree will have Jewish star on top.
6) White House doctor will get more respect than the President.
7) Oval office conference table will always have a coffee cake in the middle.
8) Kids found bleeding when Afikomen is hidden in rose garden.
9) Nancy Reagan China replaced with Bloomingdales meat and dairy dishes.
10) Inaugural Ball held at Beth Shalom Social Center.
11) Plastic covers on White House furniture.
12) Camp David moved to Grossingers.
13) Number of Cabinet members adjusted to make a minyan.
14) Men and women sit separately in press room.
15) Instead of a pen, every White House guest is offered a nice piece of fruit...maybe a sandwich.
16) Air Force One pilot sits low, with head below windshield, perpetually signals right.
17) All Mt. Rushmore figures get nose job.
18) At inauguration, Supreme Court Chief Justice gives President a Kiddush cup and candlesticks.
19) Balance the Budget? - Buy everything wholesale!
20) All military uniforms are changed because there's a MUCH better tailor who could do better work for HALF what they paid for those.
21) National Anthem changed to "Sunrise, Sunset."
22) We all have to go the White House once a week for dinner-and bring something from the bakery.
23) Martin Sheen replaced on "West Wing" by Gary Shandling.
24) New Secretary of State - Barbara Streisand.
25) National symbol changed from bald eagle to "The Early Bird."
26) Annual Easter Egg Hunt changed to "Find the Matzo Ball."
27) "Hail to the Chief" replaced with "Get A Load of the Big Macher."
28) White House interns -- shiksas only!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2003, 09:12 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
As income tax time approaches,did you ever notice:When you put the two words"The"and "IRS"together it spells "THEIRS"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 11:23 AM:
Rated PG Sue Bee
Can you help??
Washington Post - January 14, 2003
Washington, DC (Reuters) -- A tragic and sad fire has destroyed
the personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his
books have been lost.The president is reportedly devastated -
apparently,he had not finished coloring the second one.
Send replacements and condolences :
c/o White House
Washington D.C.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 10:45 AM:
Rated G Whoopsey Daisy - Who Me!
And I quote: "The last time I checked, the Constitution said, 'of the people, by the people and for the people.' That's what the Declaration of Independence says."
Bill Clinton,referring to Gettysburg Address
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 06:02 AM:
Rated G
"Former President Bill Clinton said he enjoyed the speech, not the context of it, just the fact he knew where Hillary was going to be for exactly one hour."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 06:07 AM:
Rated G
"U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this?"
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 08:07 AM:
Rated G
"Researchers have found that men in their late 50's and 60's have
begun to have a higher sex drive. Do you realize what that means?
Clinton's getting hornier!"
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 01:12 PM:
Rated PG Bigfoot
*^*^*^*^*^
To the tune of "If you're happy and you know it"
If you cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If the markets are a drama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are frisky,
Pakistan is looking shifty,
North Korea is too risky,
Bomb Iraq.
If we have no allies with us, bomb Iraq.
If we think that someone's dissed us, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
Bomb Iraq.
It's pre-emptive non-aggression, bomb Iraq.
To prevent this mass destruction, bomb Iraq.
They've got weapons we can't see,
And that's all the proof we need,
If they're not there, they must be,
Bomb Iraq.
If you never were elected, bomb Iraq.
If your mood is quite dejected, bomb Iraq.
If you think Saddam's gone mad,
With the weapons that he had,
And he tried to kill your dad,
Bomb Iraq.
If corporate fraud is growin', bomb Iraq.
If your ties to it are showin', bomb Iraq.
If your politics are sleazy,
And hiding that ain't easy,
And your manhood's getting queasy,
Bomb Iraq.
Fall in line and follow orders, bomb Iraq.
For our might knows not our borders, bomb Iraq.
Disagree? We'll call it treason,
Let's make war not love this season,
Even if we have no reason,
Bomb Iraq.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 09:07 PM:
Rated G Janine
JUNIOR: When you lost that race for political office,
Pop,did you take your defeat like a man?
HERB: I sure did,son,I blamed it on your mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 12:20 PM:
Rated PG
Mr. John Hinckley
St. Elizabeth's Hospital
Washington D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Guess you heard Ken Starr is having an affair with Jodie Foster.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2003, 08:54 AM:
Rated PG West Coast JJ
The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate"
Over The War On Terrorism:
Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
___________________________________________________________
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he
definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
__________________________________________________________
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
_________________________________________________________
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!"
Posted by Matthew Peters (Member # 1495) on 02-22-2003, 07:03 PM:
Rated (.au PG)
George Bush visits a primary school. The teacher explains that they are playing a vocabulary game and invites him to join in.
Teacher: “today’s special word is tragedy. Who can tell me what a tragedy is?”
A young girl raises her hand and says “a Tragedy would be if a little boys was running across the road and he got run over and killed be a garbage truck that did not see him.”
George: “No, that wouldn’t be a tragedy, it would be an accident.”
So then a young boy eagerly raises his hand. “a tragedy would be if a school bus full of children was going very fast and lost control around a sharp bend and then drove of a cliff and exploded.
George: “No, that’s not a tragedy, that’s would be a great loss.”
Finally a young boy raises his hand with absolute confidence and says. “A tragedy would be if the president was on air-force one and a missile hit it and blew up”
George: “Yes! that’s absolutely right. And do you know why it would be a tragedy?”
The boy replies, “Yes, because it would not be an accident and it would not be a great loss”
[ 02-23-2003, 07:12 AM: Message edited by: Matthew Peters ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 01:23 PM:
Rated G
"It's been reported that the FBI is visiting libraries nationwide and checking the reading records of people it finds suspicious. When asked about it, President Bush said 'I've always been suspicious of people who go to libraries."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 01:25 PM:
Rated G
"Congressional leaders announced today that they will not give a quick rubber stamp to President Bush's homeland security plan. It needs more work. See this is what I love about Washington? If you want a plan to protect our country it takes, what? Months? Years? But if you're a terrorists at a flight school you can get a visa in two weeks."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2003, 01:47 PM:
Rated PG
USS Clinton
Perhaps the first ship of the next class of carriers will be the USS Bill Clinton. It will boast the ability to steer a course straight down the middle, but will have a tendency to veer to the left or toward large sums of money. It will be fueled by an unending supply of testosterone, which perpetually replenishes itself. Its presence will always be marked by chaos and destruction, but there will never be enough evidence to prove that it was really there. Maintenance of this class will be a nightmare as items will constantly disappear from the aircraft and wardroom furniture will mysteriously vanish.
Its sister ship, the USS Hillary Rodham, will easily steer to the left or to the right, if you know what I mean. Keeping decklogs on this ship will be difficult, as there will be no knowledge of having been anywhere or having done anything. This ship will also run on testosterone but will require a much higher octane. This ship will be characterized by impulses to suddenly change homeports.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2003, 11:55 AM:
Rated PG
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2003, 03:44 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
The National Governors Association met in Washington on Friday at the Shoreham Hotel.
The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy"
because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at
these meetings.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2003, 07:46 AM:
Rated PG A fellow Texan
Nominated for Quote of the Year is the statement made by Texas
Congressman Dick Armey when asked:"If you had been in President Clinton's place,would you have resigned?"
Armey responded:"If I were in the President's place I would not have gotten a chance to resign. I would be laying in a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to Mrs. Armey saying,"How do I reload this damn thing?"
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 03-01-2003, 03:50 PM:
Rated G
The Train Ride
In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."
(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2003, 06:52 PM:
Rated G
Your Tax Dollars at Work
A guy stopped at a local gas station and, after filling his tank, he
paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.
The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one
was digging a new hole, the other was 100 feet behind filling in the hole.
The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down
the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going
on here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one
of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it
up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy here puts the dirt back.
Elmer's job's been cut... so now it's just me an' Leroy"
Posted by Rob Maar (Member # 1612) on 03-03-2003, 07:05 AM:
Rated G
Saddam Hussein phoned President Clinton and said, "Bill, I called you because I had this incredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top of every building, there was a beautiful banner."
Clinton asked, "What was on the banner?"
Saddam responded, "It said Allah is God, and God is Allah."
Clinton said, "You know, Saddam, I'm really glad you called, because last night I had a dream too. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It had been completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner."
Saddam said, "What was on the banner?"
Clinton replied, "I really don't know. I don't read Hebrew."
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 03-04-2003, 02:52 AM:
Rated PG
Posted by Rob Maar (Member # 1612) on 03-05-2003, 09:13 AM:
Rated G
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the Promised Land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.
As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore, Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2003, 08:31 PM:
Rated PG
After everything I keep hearing daily concerning the Arabs, Palestinians, Afghans etc. I have decided to search my roots,
From now on, please call me by my new Muslim name,
"Seldom Bin Laid."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 07:10 AM:
Rated G
THE BUNNY AND THE SNAKE
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived anorphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.By a surprising coincidence,both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.This, of course,knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny,"I'm terribly sorry.I didn't mean to hurt you;I've been blind since birth,so I can't see where I'm going.In fact,since I'm also an orphan,I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake."Actually, my story is much the sameas yours.I, too,have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you,and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.So the snake slithered all over the bunny,and said,"Well,you're covered with soft fur;you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail.I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw,and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over,and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery,and you have a forked tongue,no backbone and no balls.I'd say you must be French".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 12:23 PM:
Rated G
"Some human rights groups are complaining that the al Qaeda
detainees in Guantanamo Bay are being treated inhumanly.Oh
please!They're in the Caribbean in January,okay? Add some goats and sheep to the place and they'd think it was Temptation
Island."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 12:25 PM:
Rated G
"Bush is in Germany.A hundred-thousand Germans are protesting
because they don't like the idea of the U.S. expanding the war.
Here's how it works:the Germans don't like any war that they
don't start."
-- David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 12:30 PM:
Rated G
"In California,50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word "peace."
Right idea,wrong president."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2003, 02:47 PM:
Rated X
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle in the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything." barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the genie, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American White women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning, Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2003, 07:42 AM:
Rated G Richard D. Menoche
The saga of D.C....
This story of the jungle
is a satire and a saga...
the elephant said trust me...
the donkey took viagra.
The hawk who's name was Rumsfeld
saw Greenspan with a scowl,
a rabid fox called Dubyah,
a moderate called Powell.
A foxy looking condor
named Condoleeza...feist,
a cheetah they called Cheney
was giving out advice.
A rabbit called slick Willy,
a wolf named petty Teddy,
a bovine they called Fleischer,
his Bull...forever ready...!
Self righteous politicians
talking Bull manure...
by never passing law...
their cronies must endure....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2003, 08:59 AM:
Rated G
"The French announced today that they would not help us remove
Saddam from Iraq. Well, Duh! They didn't even help us remove
Hitler from France."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 11:00 AM:
Rated PG Phil in Chicago
Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery, was told it
would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.
Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well. Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 03-12-2003, 05:41 PM:
PG 13
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Bush thought that sounded pretty good so the devil opened the First room: In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the Second room: In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.
The devil opened a Third door: In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in with disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said..........................
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
...........Sue Bee
If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue
Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money,which they will take and
use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government.
This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various big corporations which depend on subsidies to stay in business.
This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the
Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided corporate welfare the IRS helps mastermind....It's a Ponzi scheme.
These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out
of billions of dollars. Don't be among them!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2003, 04:19 PM:
Rated G
Welcome to Heaven
" While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the common people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So, the politician joins a group of contented souls gliding from cloud to cloud, playing harps and having a good time. Before he realizes it 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly. "I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.Today you voted for us!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
"Did you see the new bomb the government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Steve Kraus (Member # 476) on 03-19-2003, 08:45 PM:
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 09:08 PM:
Steve,There is hope for you yet. Rejoice in your new found
reality..........................
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2003, 07:36 AM:
Rated G
Axis of Evil Wannabees
by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil",Libya,China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Justas Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupidIran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,for starters,a really dumb name."Right.They are just as evil... in their dreams!"declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il."Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . .we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded,although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil."They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad."An axis can't have more than three countries",explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition.In World War II you had Germany, Italy,and Japan in the evil Axis.So,you can only have three,and a secret handshake.Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift,as within minutes,France surrendered.Elsewhere,peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.Cuba,Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil",while Bulgaria,Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".With the criteria suddenly expanded and
all the desirable clubs filling up,Sierra Leone,El Salvador,and
Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst.But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics".
Canada,Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are
Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America",while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick".
"That's not a threat,really,just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him,a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis,although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay",accusing one of its members of filing a false application.Officials from Paraguay,Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.
Israel,meanwhile,insisted it didn't want to join any Axis,but
privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 12:40 PM:
Rated G Alex
The Pope is visiting DC and President Bush takes him out for an
afternoon on the Potomac...sailing on the presidential yacht.
They're admiring the sights when,all of a sudden,the Pope's hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water.Secret
service guys start to launch a boat,but Bush waves them off,
saying "Wait, wait.I'll take care of this.Don't worry."
Bush then steps off the yacht onto the surface of the water and
walks out to the Holy Father's little hat, bends over and picks
it up, then walks back to the yacht and climbs aboard.He hands
the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.
The next morning,the Washington Post carries a story,with front page photos,of the event.
The banner headline is:"Bush Can't Swim."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2003, 01:02 PM:
Rated G Joan in South Dakota
These are some of the humorous anti-war slogans that have
appeared on buttons and signs at recent anti-war protests:[/b]
These colors don't run the world.
One nation under surveillance.
How did our oil get under their sand?
Go Solar, not Ballistic.
Who Would Jesus Bomb?
Start Drafting SUV Drivers Now.
Don't blame me, I voted with the majority.
Buck Fush!
It's NUCLEAR, not NUCULAR, you idiot!
Resistance is Fertile.
(Pictures of sheep carrying flags) Stop Mad Sheep Disease Now.
(UFW sign) Pick Fruit, not Fights.
(On a five year old) More Candy Less War.
Say can you see my democracy?
(With pictures of Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld) Asses of Evil.
It's the oil, stupid.
War is expensive, Peace is priceless.
Read between the Pipelines
No More Bu$h.
Smart weapons, Dumb president.
The only thing we have to fear is Bush himself.
How many Lives per Gallon?
Patriots are idiots! Matriarchy Now!
Peace Takes Brains
Anything war can do, peace can do better.
Negotiation Not Annihilation.
Another patriot for peace.
Drop Bush, Not Bombs
Oh Say can You Cease?
Star Spangled Bummer
Don't Arm a Son of a Bush
Don't do it George, Dad will still love you.
Power to the Peaceful
The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert
for 40 years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 08:22 AM:
Rated G
A story with a moral.
A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain?
He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap!
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house."
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house."
"I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.! Be assured that you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Like wow, Mr. Mouse, a mouse trap? Am I in grave danger? Duh!"
So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected to face the farmer's mouse trap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a mouse trap catching its prey.The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital.
She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.
So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
And thus it may be with Germany, France and Belgium one day...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 05:06 PM:
Rated G
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the
phone rang.He listened intently,and after a moment his face
brightened.
When he hung up,he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.
"Ma," he shouted,"the results are in.I won the election!"
"Honestly?"
The politician's smiled faded."Aw, heck,Ma,why bring that up at a time like this?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 05:33 PM:
Presidential Mischief ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
1.Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2.Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3.Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4 .Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5.Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6.Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re- election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the First Lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet, while, at one point a secret service agent pre- vented the hysterical First Lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the other president who did the same in a closet?
11. Which Vice-President was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his penis, which he named Jumbo?
Answers
1. John F. Kennedy
2. Bill Clinton
3. Lyndon B. Johnson
4. Thomas Jefferson
5. Bill Clinton
6. Andrew Jackson
7. George Washington, Lyndon B. Johnson
8. Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy
9. Warren G. Harding
10. John F. Kennedy
11. Lyndon B. Johnson
12. Lyndon B. Johnson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2003, 05:51 PM:
Rated PG
A Quandary:
You are the President of the United States.Scientists have discovered that a meteor is headed straight towards the earth.
They have calculated that it will strike France in two days at approximately 2:30 AM eastern time. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth.
France and the United Nations have urgently requested that the United States fire all of its missiles at the meteor and that it send all available ships, troops and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Many of these ships and planes you could send are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
***********
As the President,you must decide:Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live on CNN,or do you
tape it and watch it in the morning?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 06:15 AM:
Rated G Author Unknown
"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy,The Swiss hold the America's Cup,France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,and Germany doesn't want to go to war."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 08:18 AM:
Rated G
The Boston Herald, on tuesday (3/18) had on its front cover a
picture of President Bush superimposed over the American flag.
In large letters cover 1/3 of the page, the caption read:
"Bush's Moment of Truth"
Hmmm. You mean he's been lying to us up until now???
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2003, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
White House has set up hotlines for peoples to say Yes or No to
war. Please call one of the following numbers:
1-800-I-SUPPORT to support the war against Iraq.
1-900-I-OPPOSE if you oppose the war**.
**: There is a charge of $3.95 per minute fo this call. Minimum billing time 10 minutes.
Posted by Douglas Curry (Member # 1485) on 03-26-2003, 03:09 PM:
Rated PG (Contains Drug referances and some Violence)
Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived
in Iraq? They're all men!
How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find
Saddam's stash? We all know that men have a blind spot when it comes to
finding things. For crying' out loud! Men can't find the dirty clothes
hamper. Men can't find the jar of jelly until it falls out of the cupboard
and splatters on the floor....
And these are the people we have sent into Iraq to search for hidden
weapons of mass destruction?
I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can
sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope.
My Mum can find gin bottles that dads have stashed in the attic beneath
the rafters. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away.
They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice
when
a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. Mum can smell
alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can
smell cigarette smoke from a block away.
By examining laundry, a mother knows more about their kids than
Sherlock Holmes.
And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an
offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective.
So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why
are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment
to scout out hidden threats?
Mum would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam
by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any
weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her.
She'd march him down the street to some
secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and
what
do you call this, mister?" Whap! Thump! Whap! Whap! Whap! And she'd laysome
stripes across his bare bottom with that soup spoon, then march him home in
front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize
for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole
dadburn summer.
Inspectors my foot ... You want the job done? Call my mother!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2003, 06:24 AM:
Rated PG
Let's Discuss France
At times such as these when war is the most prevalent thought in our minds, a little humor to boost morale is a good thing. Particularly when it pokes fun where fun ought to be poked. Hope you enjoy this momentary diversion -- I did.
"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
France has usually been governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter
While speaking to the Hoover Institution today, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was asked this question:
"Could you tell us why to date at least the Administration doesn't favor direct talks with the North Korean government? After all, we're talking with the French."
The Secretary smiled and replied:
"I'm not going there!"
"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
--- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
---- Marge Simpson
"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,
"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'
"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France.
An old saying:
Raise your right hand if you like the French....
Raise both hands if you are French.
"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people."
--Conan O'Brien
"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't
help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
REPLACEMENTS FOR THE FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM:
"Runaway" by Del Shannon,
"Walk Right In" by the Rooftop Singers,
"Everybody's Somebody's" Fool by Connie Francis,
"Running Scared" by Roy Orbison,
"I Really Don't Want to Know" by Tommy Edwards,
"Surrender" by Elvis Presley,
"Save It For Me" by The Four Seasons,
"Live and Let Die" by Wings,
"I'm Leaving It All Up To You" by Donny and Marie Osmond,
"What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers,
"Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin
"Raise Your Hands" by Jon Bon Jovi
How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2003, 07:03 AM:
Rated G
Trying to Help article in Wichita falls paper by Dennis Miller
All the rhetoric on whether or not we should go to war against Iraq has got my insane little brain spinning like a roulette wheel. I enjoy reading opinions from both sides but I have detected a hint of confusion from some of you. As I was reading the paper recently, I was reminded of the best advice someone ever gave me. he told me about the kiss method ("keep it simple, stupid!) so, with this as a theme, I'd like to apply this theory for those who don't quite get it. My hope is that we can simplify things a bit and recognize a few important facts.
Here are 10 things to consider when voicing an opinion on this important issue:
1) Out of President Bush and Saddam Hussein, Hussein is the bad guy.
2) If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing keep this in mind, they have Libya heading the committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.
3) If you use Google search and type in "French military victories," your reply will be "did you mean French military defeats?"
4) If your only anti-war slogan is "no war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve.
5) Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us.
6) Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the President. He plays one on TV.
7) Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "infidel!" and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.
8) If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy" but not in the danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude.
9) We are not trying to liberate them.
10) Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out.We all need to support them without reservation.
I hope this helps.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2003, 10:33 AM:
Rated G
NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES:
Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush became President. With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who want to keep their promise!
Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell, Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand, Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise,
"Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach,Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay...at least four years and you should consider the possibility of eight years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain,
Al Gore as cruise director,
Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,
Ted Kennedy as lifeguard and emergency procedures director, and Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton.
Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
Bon Voyage!"
Is this a great country or what!
Posted by Thomas Procyk (Member # 1170) on 03-30-2003, 05:47 PM:
Rated: G
What must an American projectionist do before running a film from the Middle East?
Remove the Iraqi leader! ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
=TMP=
MY 600th POST!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2003, 10:39 AM:
Rated G ..................Baby Blues
News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher
Mohammed Al-Hazar. Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator.
US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and
overwhelming evidence that Iraq indeed possessed weapons of maths instruction.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 06:28 AM:
Rated PG
You are the President of the United States.
Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A. M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide: Do you...
A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?
B) Tape it and watch it in the morning?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 03:14 PM:
Rated G
The Pentagon announced today the existence of a new terrorist
group in Iraq.This new group is known as Saddam Hussein's Iraqi Terrorists (SHIT).
The Iraqi government had been actively recruiting both their
soldiers and civilians to become SHITs with a marketing campaign
copying the Dr. Pepper jingle, "I'm a SHIT, he's a SHIT, etc....
wouldn't you like to be a SHIT too?" This apparently would be
considered a promotion for regular Iraqi Army soldiers, but only a lateral transfer for Republican Guard members.
According to a Pentagon analyst, one of the most disturbing facets of this is the ability of the SHIT to disguise themselves as TURDs (Terrorists Underneath Raghead Diapers).It would be difficult, he said, to distinguish between SHITs and TURDs without very close examination.He further stated, however, that US forces would continue to do their best to shoot the SHIT and bomb the SHIT out of Iraq, or until the SHIT hit the fan.
The Pentagon also said they regard Saddam Hussein to be the Number One SHIT,and that he is at the top of their SHIT list. ![[bs]](graemlins/bs.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 03:50 PM:
Rated G THE TACO LIBERTY BELL:
In 1996 the Taco Bell Corporation announced that it had bought the Liberty Bell from the federal government and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell.
Hundreds of outraged citizens called up the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell is housed to express their anger.Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed that it was all a joke a few hours later.The best line inspired by the affair came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale, and he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold, though to a different corporation, and would now be known as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 10:03 AM:
Rated G The U.S. Plan
Here's the plan:
1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past &present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini and the rest of them 'good old boys'. We will never "interfere" again.
2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with
Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes in the fence.
3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of who or where they are. France would welcome them.
4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation would be allowed in. If you don't like it there change it yourself, don't hide here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers.
5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.
6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.
7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides' most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if any anyway.
9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't
need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would
make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way,
no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
11) And lastly bring back the manufacturing from our country, curtail the cheap imports from all over the world and put the middle class back to work in our country.
Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2003, 08:39 AM:
Rated G
"According to the Pentagon we may be running out of things to bomb in Baghdad. Earlier today a cruise missile destroyed the Museum of Rubble."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2003, 08:41 AM:
Rated G
"[Peter Arnett] gave an interview to Iraqi state run TV in which he criticized U.S. war plans, complimented the Iraqi resistance, and said the American battle plan was a complete failure. In fact, they said if he comes back to the United States, he could be charged with impersonating a Hollywood celebrity."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2003, 11:48 AM:
Rated G
Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam doubles.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated G
Press Release Contact: Pierre LaFont 01-459 6274
4 Rue de Remarques,
Paris, France.
President Jacques Chirac announced today that France would be deploying two
Elite units of French troops to Iraq.
Five hundred crack troops from the 2nd Groupement d'Instruction en Abandonment are mobilizing to assist the Iraqi Army in the finer points of military surrender.
"The immediate capitulation of an armed force is a delicate and intricate tactic in which we French have much experience." said Defense Ministry spokesperson General de Armee Francois-Phillippe Hommes de Petit-Pommes. "There is a certain protocol in laying down your arms or fleeing the battlefield. To wave the white flag while remaining arrogant, pompous and insufferable requires experience and training.
The French Army believes it is second to none in the fine art of surrendering quickly.
The record of our armed forces in that area speaks for itself. The Iraqi Performance in giving up without a fight during the last Gulf War was commendable but slip-shod. We hope to improve their level of surrender execution for the next war."
General Hommes de Petit-Pommes further announced that 1000 advisors from the
Regiment de Collaborateurs Francais will also be dispatched to Iraq to assist the Iraqi people in collaborating effectively with any occupation force.
"It is more important to protect their art treasures than to defend their honour," the General pointed out.
The General also expressed the hope that Baghdad has some tree-lined Boulevards "It was our experience that the Germans liked to march in the shade, and we feel the Americans and the British might like that same measure of comfort in Iraq-especially
as warm weather settles in this spring."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2003, 01:11 PM:
Rated G Michele
They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat.
When he left to discover America,he didn't know where he was going.
When he got there he didn't know where he was.And it was all done on a government grant.
[ 04-16-2003, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2003, 02:34 PM:
Rated PG
An American, a Dutchman and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia,sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.The Frenchman was next up.
After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you arealso very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2003, 02:51 PM:
Rated G Michele
Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated
videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex,three of sodomy,a transsexual making love to a dog,and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking,"Are there any
questions?"
Five people shouted in unison,"Where'd you rent the tape?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2003, 02:54 PM:
Rated PG
What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2003, 07:42 AM:
Rated PG
Excellent.
http://snickerplanet.com/humor_saddam_bomb.swf
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2003, 04:32 PM:
Pat
Rated R Pat
Dr. Seuss as Clinton's Lawyer
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
While talking to Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I did not fondle Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her round but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I would not, could not, with my wife
Now that Miss Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
And then just hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
And if I did I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have but I don't recall
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count if we stayed dressed
I never used that big cigar
You must believe me Mr. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my mama taught me
I tried to hide but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never ever did inhale.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2003, 05:59 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
IMPORTANT MESSAGE:
News is in that the Taliban's are extremely offended by being
called 'towel heads'. We have been informed that they do NOT wear towels on their heads. They wear sheets.
In the future please call them 'sheet heads'.
Thank you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2003, 06:59 AM:
Rated G
An elder American absent mindedly arrived at French customs at
Paris airport and fumbled for his passport."You have been to
France before Monsieur?",the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The ancient Yank admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready for
inspection",snapped the irate official.
The American said that the last time he came to France he did not have to show his passport.
"Impossible,old man.You Americans always have to show your
passports on arrival in France."
The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look.
"I assure you, young man,that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach
in Normandy on D Day in 1944, there was no Frenchman on the
beach asking to see my passport!"
[ 04-24-2003, 05:53 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2003, 05:54 AM:
Rated R
"I voted Republican .The Democrats left a bad taste in my mouth."
-- Monica Lewinsky
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated G
A fleeing Taliban,desperate for water, was plodding through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water,he walked towards the image,only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked,"I"m dying of thirst,can I have some water?"
The Jew replied,"I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted,"I don't want an overpriced tie,you idiot,I need water!"
The Jew replied "OK then,don't buy my ties.But to show you what a nice guy I am,I'll tell you that over that hill there,about four miles, is a nice restaurant.Walk that way;they have all the water you need."
The Arab begrudgingly thanked him,then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared.
Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting behind his card table.The Jew said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill.Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right.Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 08:31 AM:
Rated G
"Former President Clinton was featured in a foreign documentary
that was nominated for an Oscar.I believe it was called,
'Crouching Intern, Stolen Sofa'."
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 03:13 PM:
Rated PG I was told this is a true story..I dont believe it. What about you?
A squad of American soldiers was patrolling along the Iraqi border.To their surprise, they found the badly mangled dead body of an Iraqi soldier in a ditch along side the road.
A short distance up the road,they found a badly mangled American
soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, who was still barelyalive.They ran to him,cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well,"he whispered,"I was walking down this road,armed to the teeth.I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard.I looked him right in the eye and shouted,"Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled,lying piece of trash!"
He looked me right in the eye and shouted back,"Bill Clinton, Tom Daschle,Ted Kennedy and most of your Democrats are unprincipled,lying pieces of trash, too!"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 05:14 PM:
Rated G
Morris,the Governor's most trusted assistant,died in his sleep
one night.The Governor had depended on Morris for advice on every subject,from pending bills to wardrobe decisions.In addition,Morris had been his closest friend.
So,it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Morris'
job."They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is
buried,"the Governor muttered.
At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's
side. "Governor," the man said, "is there a chance that I could
take Morris' place?"
"Certainly," the Governor replied. "But you'd better hurry.I think the undertaker is almost finished."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated PG Presential Visit
Supplied by JJ on the left Coast
On a propaganda tour through the United States President George Bushvisits a school and explains his political actions.
Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions. Little Bob rises to speak:
Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggestterrorist attack of all times?
Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children runout of the classroom.
When they come back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask questions.
This time Joey rises to speak:
Mr. President,I have got five questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2.Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don't you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Bob???
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2003, 10:37 AM:
Rated G {/b]
[b]Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the
actor has not ruled out running for governor of California,
saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold
needs that time to learn how to pronouce "gubernatorial."
- Jimmy Fallon -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 08:10 AM:
Rated G
The FBI has warned law enforcement agencies that al Qaeda
operatives may be disguised as beggars, flower vendors or street
sweepers. Or as they used to be called, stockbrokers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 11:56 AM:
Rated G
At a hastily called press conference this morning,Taliban Minister of Emigration,Mohammed Ben Dover,warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan,Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off Americas supply of convenience store managers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 11:06 AM:
Rated R
Liberal vs Conservative vs Texan debate Question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities.In your hand is a Glock .40 and you are an expert shot. Youhave mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
____________
Liberal Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him
to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on,could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
This is all so confusing!I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
_________
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
________
Texan's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click... (sounds of clip being ejected and fresh clip installed)
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!BANG!
Daughter: "Nice grouping Daddy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2003, 11:10 AM:
Rated R
Monica Fights Back In response to President Clinton's firm denial,Monica Lewinsky released a statement through her Lawyer.
"I have had enough This whole experience has left a bitter taste
in my mouth,and I can't stomach any more.I feel as if I am
getting the shaft.This ugly matter has come to a head and blown
up in my face.This may be a load to handle,but when times are
hard,that is when I am at my best.I have faced hard times in the
past and I know what is coming...I will meet this challenge the
only way I know how...head on. I have licked bigger things than
this before, and I will again.No one will ever be able to say
that Monica Lewinsky isn't a fighter,that she quit before the job was done.I will work non stop and fight this blow by blow until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.
Thank you."
Monica Lewinsky
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 11:32 AM:
Rated R
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2003, 06:51 AM:
Rated G
The DEA recently announced the arrest of a drug dealer in Alaska who allegedly sold marijuana to seabirds.
Prosecutors claim that the accused left no tern unstoned.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Top Ten Most Common Questions Asked Of The White House Switchboard Operator.
10. "You guys find Saddam yet?"
9. "Can I get some of them little square hamburgers delivered?"
8. "Hey, it's the President. I lost my wallet again. Can you tell
the guy to let me in?"
7. "You guys find Saddam yet?"
6. "How 'bout Osama -- found him yet?"
5. "I work next door. Can you guys turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
4. "It's Al Gore -- has anyone called for me?"
3. "Do you accept unsolicited 'West Wing' scripts?"
2. "Aren't you too busy to answer your own phone, Mr. President?"
1. "This is the President -- any idea how I'd get a hold of
Cheney?"
David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 10:55 AM:
Rated G Michele
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by
being governed by those who are dumber."
---Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"Plato was a bore."
---Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)
"Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal."
---Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)
...... .......
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 05-22-2003, 02:15 AM:
'Plato? What's that? Greek washing-up liquid?' - John Cleese
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2003, 07:14 AM:
Rated G
Saddam just got a coded message from Bush.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H
Saddam was stumped and sent for the Republican Guard. They were stumped too, so it went to the Secret Police whose Director
suggested turning it upside down ...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 06:08 AM:
Rated G
FORM 1040
Ever wonder why the IRS calls it form 1040?
Because for every $50.00 that you earn, you get $10.00 and they get $40.00.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 06:11 AM:
Rated G Len in Georgia
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2003, 04:09 PM:
Rated G
You've got this somewhat feared ruler of a nation of several
million people, and he's sitting in a bunker somewhere in Iraq.
After several direct strikes at bunkers where he was supposedly
sitting at the time, he's either dead or alive. At the same time, if you talk to the right people, he's neither dead nor alive and both dead and alive.
At some point, US forces will open the bunker, and as of that
moment he will suddenly have been either dead or alive the whole
time.
It took billions of dollars, but the US Government has finally
created a real life example that can be used to demonstrate the
multiple states of Schroedinger's Cat. And the best part is that
the experiment can be easily reproduced. With, say, Geraldo.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 08:09 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:39 AM:
Rated G Baby Blues
This is too sad to be a joke...
The government taxes you when you bring home a paycheck.
It taxes you when you make a phone call.
Ittaxes you when you turn on a light.
It taxes you when you sell a stock.
It taxes you when you fill your car with gas.
It taxes you when you ride a plane.
It taxes you when you get married.
It taxes you when you have children.
Then it taxes you when you die.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:56 AM:
Rated G
Bill Clinton was doing a crossword puzzle one day and asked Hillary if she knew a four-letter word for a woman,ending in
U-N-T.
"Aunt," she replied.
Then he asked, "Do you have an eraser?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2003, 03:14 PM:
Rated G From Jay Leno:
In her book,Hillary says that when Clinton finally admitted to her about the affair, she says, 'She could hardly breathe and was gulping for air.' I'm sorry, that's Monica's book.
Hillary's book is called "Living History." Hillary says when Bill finally came clean about Monica, she was 'dumbfounded, heartbroken and outraged' that she had believed his lies. You know what they say -- 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 6000 times, shame on me.'
According to this week's "National Enquirer," there's a videotape of President Clinton having sex with another woman. Actual physical evidence of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman other than Hillary. Is anybody amazed by this? Evidence of him having sex with Hillary, now that would be amazing! There is reportedly a video tape of Bill Clinton having sex with a woman in a truck, or "the bridal suite," as it's known in Arkansas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 07:58 AM:
Rated G Alex
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law,a fellow who liked to throw his or,rather,his in-law's political weight around.The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any othertaxpayer.
The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking.He immediately descended in fury on policeheadquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey,do you know who I am?"
The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly,picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office."Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that hisbrother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."Rated G
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 09:08 AM:
Rated G Nan in Warwick
Two Iraqis meet in Homestead, Florida.One starts to greet the other in Arabic,the language of their native country.The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously and says, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2003, 09:46 AM:
Rated G
Top marks go to the government agency in Scunthorpe, England, who updated their email system to use a filter which filtered out any emails containing profanity or obscene language of any kind.
All was fine, 'til they realized that no one whatsoever had got ANY emails during the whole week since they installed the software.
They checked through everything and couldn't find a problem... until one bright spark pointed out that all their email addresses, contained the word.... well,work it out for yourself.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:13 AM:
Rated G
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:17 AM:
Rated G
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:22 AM:
Rated G
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:35 AM:
Rated G
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 07:01 AM:
Rated G
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 07:02 AM:
Rated G
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore,Vice President
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 07:04 AM:
Rated G
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 07:06 AM:
Rated G
"If somebody has a bad heart,they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 08:56 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
In the spirit of today's heavy political atmosphere... Does it bother anyone that the three most powerful people in the USA today are named:
BUSH, DICK, AND COLON
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 03:32 PM:
Rated PG Lorraine
Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his
successor. "The one worry I have," says Lenin is this: "Will the people follow you?
What do you think, comrade Stalin?"
"They will," says Stalin, "They surely will."
"I hope so," says Lenin, "But what if they don't follow you?"
"No problem," says Stalin, "Then they'll follow you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2003, 06:14 AM:
Rated PG
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze.
When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-13-2003, 11:44 AM:
Rated G
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America.Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-15-2003, 07:01 AM:
Rated G
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,'Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton,falling in love with him, getting married, and livinga passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife.Then on page two, the trouble starts."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 12:46 PM:
Rated G
"Hillary Clinton kicked off her big thirty-city book tour to remind us what a private person she is. ... She had a big book signing party at Barnes & Noble and, listen to this, the first fifty people to show up got to sleep with Bill."
-—David letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 12:51 PM:
Rated G
"Hillary told Barbara Walters that Clinton came to her bedside one morning, woke her up to confess and she said she was shocked. Not that he lied, but that Clinton even knew where her bedroom was."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 12:55 PM:
Rated G
"You know who should actually read this book, President Clinton. That way he can find out exactly what she doesn't know about so he can keep doing that."
-—Craig Kilborn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
"Hillary Clinton told Time magazine that she sympathizes with Martha Stewart because they're friends. Apparently, Martha used to come by the Oval Office once a week to try to get the stains out."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2003, 08:52 AM:
Rated PG
A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City,
came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself,
"Wow, this seems worse than usual." He notices a police officer
walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his
window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed,
so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself
in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband is
running around on her more than ever and the Democrats
told her to forget about running for president in 2004.
So we're taking up a collection for her."
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are
still siphoning."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2003, 08:35 AM:
Rated G
"Hillary Clinton had a book signing at Barnes and Noble and
12,000 people showed up. She signed so many copies of the book
that she had a blister on her right hand.It was so bad that thenext night she had to slap Bill with her left [hand]. Doctors told Hillary to soak it in warm water, bandage it and rest it for a week. Oh wait, no, that's what they told Bill."
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2003, 09:00 AM:
Rated G
Monica Lewinsky hosts the new Fox dating program Mr.Personality.
Bill Clinton's favorite intern says, "What you really need is
chemistry and communication for something to work."
She added that it doesn't hurt if your nickname in high school
was "Hoover."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2003, 12:01 PM:
Rated PG Sue Bee
If you haven't bought Hillary's Book yet you had better hurry!...NOT
"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it
took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time
she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date."
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much
of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."
-- Craig Kilborn
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed.He is crushed.There go his dreams of
becoming a two-impeachment family."
-- David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2003, 11:48 AM:
Rated G
WhiteHouse '04
This country needs a redneck up there in the Big House. Oh yeah - You put a redneck in the White House...Things are gonna change. Bubba Phil gets elected, Pork BBQ in every pot, 2 washin' machines on every porch, a gun rackin every truck, Free Pay Per View wrasslin' on every TV. By the way, a woman touchin' the TV remote control - punishable by death!
Bubba Phil get elected...An' the national holidays is Christmas, Thanksgivin'...the Daytona 500...an' the day the Swimsuit Edition comes out. You know that big plane they got - Air Force One? Bubba Phil gets elected...Bass Boat One!
An' people wanna know how Bubba Phil would work that Supreme Court. They wanna know...would you pick a pro-lifer or a pro-choicer; People, Bubba Phil is gonna pick a Pro Bowler! All they wanna know about Supreme Court justices now is are they liberal or conservative, have they smoked pot, or told dirty jokes
...All I wanna know is...Can they pick up a spare in the beer frame?
Now, let me say somethin' 'bout my opponents. Nuther words...Lemme lay out the straight skinny on these pencil neck, money-grubbin', scum-suckin', baby-kissin', yellow-bellied, dog-squinch-fer-brains,nit-wits they call candidates.
These back slappin' weasels runnin' fer president will tell you anything to get elected. If you was a cow...they'd tell you they was vegitarians, if you was a dog, they'd say they was another dog's butt, if you was gay, they'd say bend over! Bullcrap people! That ain't Bubba Phil. I'm the only man with the guts...an' the hangy down things...to tell it like it is.
Number one...Bubba Phil is gonna straighten out that military mess. You know what they wanna do now - They wanna put women sailors in the submarines. You can't put women in a giant tin can with 200 red blooded American fightin' men. They all time time's naggin' you to fix that pingin' noise. Well I Say...Over my dead body! When Bubba Phil is president...The only women on submarines is the way God intended, naked ones in the pictures stuck to the walls. An' I'm sorry to say this...But three days every month...That's way too close to nuclear warheads.
When Bubba Phil is president...Richard Petty's gonna beon Mt. Rushmore. Fidel Castro is gonna be a big cigar-chompin' stain on some street in Havana. The only thing left of Sadaam Hussein is gonna be a bloody beret with bits a brain stuck in it. Janet Reno's gonna be a caddy in the LPGA.Hillary's gonna be goin' to beauty school. An' people...Bill Clinton's gonna be breakin' rocks in the federal pen!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 06:08 PM:
Rated G
The trouble with political jokes is they get elected!
--The American Public.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2003, 10:07 AM:
Rated R
What All Politicians Should Understand
While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. (Maybe it's Hillary Clinton?)
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!" What All Politicians Should Understand
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2003, 07:03 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
It's amazing how the whole campaign has caught on.The thought of a sitting First Lady Of The United States running for an elective office is truly amazing.
In New York City,everybody has a "Run, Hillary, Run!" bumper sticker on his or her car.
Democrats put them on their rear bumpers.
Republicans put them on the front.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 05:43 AM:
Rated R
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore.She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed.
"No," said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."
"Let's see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
I would like to get rid of these love handles, though. Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
Poof!
And just like that......her ears were gone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 07:51 AM:
Rated G Michele
Senators William Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
The bill failed to pass,cheating the Senate out of passing
the "Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 07-08-2003, 12:05 AM:
Dear Abby
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning.
When I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is everyone knows he
cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job two years
ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the
living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills. And
since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me.
He keeps calling me a lesbian.
What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
Dear Clueless:
Dump him. You're a New York senator now. You don't need him anymore
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:51 AM:
Rated G
President Bush said Monday he didn't know he was misleading Congress on Iraq or citing false intelligence.
He can't win.For years Democrats said he doesn't know anything and now that he admits he didn't know anything,they don't believe him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 03:15 AM:
Rated G
Nancy Pelosi is the new leader of Democrats in the House.She will maintain that party's motto of governing.
"If at first you don't succeed, tax, tax again."
--Alan Ray
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:03 PM:
Rated G
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second,"That cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first Arab."It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp.There was a puff of smoke,and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
"I said, 'No shit'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2003, 07:59 PM:
Rated G
According to NY Times magazine,with all the swearing,insults,and childish behavior going on between Germany and Italy over the last 2 weeks or so,Europe is finally returning back to normal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2003, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
Q: What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 05:39 PM:
Rated G
Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, Common Sense. Common Sense lived a long life, but died in the United States from heart failure earlyin the new millennium.
No one really knows how old he was, since his birth records were lost long ago in bureaucratic red tape. He selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes, and factories, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and foolishness.
For decades, petty rules, silly laws, and frivolous lawsuits held no power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend morethan you earn), reliable parenting strategies (the adults are in charge,not the kids), and it's okay to come in second. A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and educational trends including body piercing, whole language, and new math. But his health declined when he became infected with the If-it-only-helps-one person-it's-worth-it virus.
In recent decades, his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of well intentioned but overbearing regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by self-seeking lawyers. His health rapidly
deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented zero tolerance policies.
Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking a swig of mouthwash after lunch,and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition. It declined even further when schools had to get parental
consent to administer aspirin to a student but could not inform the parent when a female student was pregnant or wanted an abortion.
Common Sense lost his will to live as churches became businesses,
criminals received better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in everything from the Pledge of Allegiance to professional sports.
When an individual, too stupid to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, was awarded a huge settlement, Common Sense threw in the towel. As the end neared, Common Sense drifted in and out of logic but was kept informed of developments regarding questionable regulations such as those for low flow toilets, rocking chairs, step ladders and auto emissions.
Common Sense finally succumbed when, while the United States was fighting a war on terrorism, a federal judge declared the Pledge of Allegiance to be unconstitutional.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two step-siblings: My Rights, and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
Source Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 05:52 PM:
Rated G
*** What makes VIRGINIA so PRESIDENTIAL ? ***
Eight United States Presidents were born in Virginia:
George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, James Monroe, William Harrison, John Tyler, Zachary Taylor, and Woodrow Wilson.
Additionally, six Presidents' wives were born in Virginia:
Martha Washington, Martha Jefferson, Rachel Jackson, Letitia
Tyler, Ellen Arthur, Edith Wilson.
Finally, seven Presidents are buried in Virginia:
Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Tyler, Taft and Kennedy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-24-2003, 10:33 AM:
Rated G
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be
willing to serve another term.
Greenspan went on to say, "Where else would I get a job
in this economy?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2003, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
REAGAN GENERATION
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was
once challenged by a college student who said it was impossible
for Reagan's generation to understand his.
"You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we
have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy,
computers. ..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan
said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were
young. We invented them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2003, 12:20 PM:
Rated PG
A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York is having a special on what they are calling the "Bucket of Hillary"--
two small breasts
two large thighs
and a bunch of left wings.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 09:21 AM:
Rated G Louise
Hillary Has Crabs!
Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an
examination and he discovers that she has crabs.He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the senator that she has crabs?"
After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in
his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition.
She is quite concerned and asks him what it is.
He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.
She says "What?"
He again responds "Nixon's Disease."
She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"
He responds, "Well Senator Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2003, 09:39 AM:
Rated G Michele
The Senate is investigating the growing number of sweepstakes
scams.
Many of the sweepstakes target the elderly, convince them they willreceive large amounts of money in return for their initial
payments, but in reality never deliver anything but a tiny fraction of the promised amount.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
[ 08-04-2003, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2003, 04:08 PM:
Rated G Michele
Last week in Manhattan, President Bush attended a fund-raiser and the crowd began yelling,"Four more years."
Apparently, the crowd was guessing how much longer we would be
looking for weapons of mass destruction.
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-04-2003, 05:48 PM:
An American tourist in London found himself needing to take
a leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down
one of the side streets to take care of business.
Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take
a leak."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow
me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots
of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said
the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started
pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this
British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-18-2003, 04:35 PM:
Rated G
Nominated for "Quote of the Year" is the statement made by retired Texas Congressman Dick Army when asked, "If you had been in President Clinton's place would you have resigned?"
Army's reply: "If I had been in the President's place, I would not have gotten the chance to resign. I would have been lying in
a pool of my own blood, looking up and listening to my wife ask,
'How do you reload this son of a bitch'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2003, 06:39 AM:
Rated G
Elections officials in California are concerned that having 247
candidates would require a ballot so long it would be difficult to count.
Today in Florida they said, "What? You count the ballots?"
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2003, 07:21 PM:
Rated G Michele
All nine Democratic presidential candidates have come out in
support of Gray Davis.
Today in Disneyland, all seven dwarves came out for Gary Coleman.
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2003, 07:27 PM:
Rated G Michele
One of the candidates running for California governor is a 100-
year-old woman.
Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray
Davis.
But more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her
teeth.
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2003, 07:29 PM:
Rated G Michele
It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet.
Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates
by four inches."
-- Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2003, 07:34 PM:
Rated G
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.
Among the brothers:
Sooflay ............the restauranteur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay brother
Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair
Among the sisters:
Pusay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute
More will no doubt be discovered.
[ 08-21-2003, 05:49 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-20-2003, 03:04 PM:
Rated G Michele
"Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually Hillary is campaigning for Davis,Bill is out here for Larry Flynt."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 05:44 AM:
Rated G Michele
An American and a Russian are talking about their governments.
"Ours is a free country," says the American. "Once, I was in
Langley, VA, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I urinated
near the CIA headquarters."
"Ours is a free country too," says the Russian. "Once,I was in
Lubyanka Square in Moscow, and couldn't find a public restroom, so I took a shit near the KGB headquarters."
"And you got away with it?" asked the incredulous American.
"Of course! Nobody saw it...I didn't even take my pants off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 05:51 AM:
Rated G
"Well,we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation.He's down there in Crawford,Texas and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing.He didn't find any fish but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate."
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 08:04 AM:
Rated G Michele
There was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her first
year of college.She considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and her father was a rather staunch Republican.One day, she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare.
He stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school.She
answered that she had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had
to study all the time, never had time to go out and party and
often went sleepless because all of the studying.She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many college friends because of all her studying.
He then asked how her friend Mary, that was attending the same
college, was doing. She replied that she was barely getting by.
She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on campus and
was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for
classes because she was hung over.
He then asked his daughter why she didn't go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a 3.0 GPA.
The daughter fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair,I worked really hard for mine and my friend has done nothing."
The father smiled and said: "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-21-2003, 08:06 AM:
Rated G Janine
Politics isn't too bad a profession.If you succeed,there are many rewards.If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2003, 10:13 AM:
Rated G
"Democracy, which is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequals alike."
--Plato
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2003, 07:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time, heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep.
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-27-2003, 09:26 AM:
Rated G Michele
The government says the $20 bill will get a face lift by next
fall, with new colors and more security features. And to reflect
the economy, the new twenty will now be a ten.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2003, 09:39 AM:
Rated G
Taco Bell will run a poll on the California governor's race by
counting food orders.
Order a beef taco and it's a vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger, a chicken taco and it's a vote for Gray Davis.
Make a Run for the Border and it's Cruz Bustamante.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2003, 08:33 AM:
[b]Rated G
Cybill Shepherd told reporters on Wednesday she made out with
Gray Davis in Hawaii when she was sixteen.
It's hard to picture them together today. This could force Gray Davis to acknowledge that during his youth he experimented with charisma.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2003, 07:21 AM:
Rated G Alex
Arnold Schwarzenegger was bombarded by questions Friday about a
Oui magazine interview he gave in 1977. He told the reporter he
enjoyed marijuana, group sex and the company of prostitutes. Now
you know why his campaign slogan is Join Arnold.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2003, 09:45 AM:
Rated PG Michele
What's the definition of an Arkansas virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2003, 06:55 AM:
Rated G Alex
Cruz Bustamante,Tom McClintock and Peter Ueberroth are standing
on the north tower of the Golden Gate Bridge for photographs when a sudden gale sweeps them off the tower toward the bay. Who will hit the water first?
Who cares?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-05-2003, 01:21 PM:
Rated G
Gray Davis brought a news camera crew with him to church Sunday. Talk about miracles.Gray Davis was asked to read from Revelations and he just happened to have a copy of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Oui magazine interview in his coat pocket.
--Argus Hamilton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2003, 02:31 PM:
Rated G
Here’s the odd situation Cruz Bustamante is in.He’s lieutenant governor,yet no one knows who he is,I mean,you have to worry about anyone who is overshadowed by Gray Davis.
--David Allen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2003, 07:18 AM:
Rated G
"Arnold,God bless him,out trying to get the minority vote today. Today,he told a group of African-American voters, "I'll be black."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2003, 07:25 AM:
Rated G
"There have been a lot of shark sightings off the coast of California.Turns out these sharks are pretty smarteven they can smell Gray Davis' blood in the water."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2003, 06:14 PM:
Rated G
Congress has returned to Washington.The upcoming session is a critical one for both Houses.Each has some very important legislation to stall.
--Alan Ray
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 08:36 AM:
Rated G
Liberal versus Conservative
Liberal versus Conservative The Difference Between The Liberal and Conservative "Debate" Over The War On Terrorism:
Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your spouse and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal Answer:
Well that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.
Conservative Answer:
BANG!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 09:07 AM:
[b]Rated G
The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and
proper Washington hostess.
"In my country," he said,"the most popular of all activities is
making love."
Shocked,the wide eyed hostess said,"Oh! Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the diplomat replied,"that's our second favorite activity."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 09:13 AM:
Rated G
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter
Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and
the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2003, 08:16 PM:
Rated G Alex
"I knew this was coming. Last week, President Bush dropped his dog Barney on the dog's head. Today, Al Qaeda claimed full
responsibility. "
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-11-2003, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
"Gray Davis was making fun of Arnold Schwarzenegger's accent.He
said,“If you want to be governor of California,you have to be
able to pronounce it.”
"Arnold replied," “To be governor of California, you should be able to govern it.”
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2003, 11:50 AM:
Rated G
Every politician and voter should read this!
While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, yousee, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where
to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they hadwhile getting rich at expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean
Heaven has been delightful, but I think I wouldbe better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of abarren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2003, 02:17 PM:
Rated G
Peter Ueberroth has dropped out of the race for governor. People
in the state are shocked - they had no idea he was running.
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2003, 02:24 PM:
Rated G
"The circus doesn't stop.A federal appeals court has postponed
the recall election.How stupid are we? Even our recalls get
recalled.They ruled that the ballot machines were outdated.How
ironic is that,the Terminator gets stopped by the machines?"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2003, 07:55 AM:
Rated G American History 101
It was the first day of school and a new student, Suzuki,son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade class.The teacher said,"Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
"Who said, 'Give me Liberty or give me Death' ?" She saw a sea of blank faces,except for Suzuki's
"Patrick Henry 1775," he said.
"Very good! Who said '...government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response, except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki raised his hand: "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point a student said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Who said that?"
Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps up waving his hand and shouts, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
With near mob hysteria, someone screams, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki yells, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
At this, the teacher fainted. The class gathered around her.
One of the kids says, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Suzuki says, "Arthur Andersen, 2002."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2003, 07:32 AM:
Rated G
"The U.S. Court of Appeals in San Francisco delayed the California recall election in a setback for Arnold Schwarzenegger.It's the same court that banned the Pledge of Allegiance to mollify atheists.First they outlawed the Creator and now they are going after Mr. Universe."
--Argus Hamilton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2003, 11:56 AM:
Rated G
"Governor Gray Davis said he welcomed the decision. He said using the punch-card machines wouldn't be fair to the people. And he has a point.Afterall,those were the machines that got him
elected in the first place."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2003, 11:58 AM:
Rated G
"President Bush wants 75 billion more dollars to help Iraq.The place has no leadership,no electricity,and is divided among diverse cultural lines.It’s in danger of becoming another California."
--Alan Ray
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-23-2003, 07:08 AM:
Rated G
One out of forty men wears women's clothing.
We've had more than forty presidents.One of these guys has been dancing around the Oval Office in a prom dress.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 06:25 AM:
Rated G Alex
Democratic candidate Howard Dean has launched an impressive
internet campaign.Of course, millions who don't get online will
never hear much about him.
This includes seniors, the poor, AOL subscribers...
--Alan Ray
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-25-2003, 06:41 AM:
Rated G JerseyT
After experiencing chest pains,Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to George Washington University Medical Center.When asked how Cheney's angina would affect the administration,President Bush confidently told reporters,"Boys don't have anginas!"
--Tina Fey
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-28-2003, 03:55 PM:
Interesting Political Quotations...
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. --Mark Twain
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul. --George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
--G. Gordon Liddy speaking for Bob Hansen
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. --James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries.
--Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
--P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
--Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops
moving, subsidize it. --Ronald Reagan
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the fact
--Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free. --P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If
you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If
you want government to intervene everywhere, You're a moderate. If
you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
--Joseph Sobran, former Editor of the National Review
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other
--Voltaire(1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you.
--Pericles(430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in
session. --Mark Twain
Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it. --Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite
at one end and no responsibility at the other. --Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin. --Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools
--Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
--Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
I don't belong to any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.
--Will Rogers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-06-2003, 07:17 AM:
Rated G
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.They're up in heaven,and God's sitting on the great white throne.God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election,but that it was
your will that I did not serve.And I've come to understand that now."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay,very good.Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies,"I believe in forgiveness.I've sinned,but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man,and I hope no grudges are held against me."
God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven,my son.Come
and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2003, 02:22 PM:
Rated G Alex
The Pentagon held a huge sale of unused weapons Friday. Theysold thousands of missiles at discount prices from their warehouse in
Virginia.The Pentagon hopes it will have the same effect as
putting a Wal-Mart just outside North Korea's border.
--Argus Hamilton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2003, 02:25 PM:
Rated PG Michele
Changes in California Under Governor Schwarzenegger
14. "Hooked on Accents" is implemented in school systems statewide.
13. Women's buttocks must be minimally covered with a regular
bikini bottom or Governor Arnold's hand.
12. So many liberals flee the state that it actually lifts up out of the sea.
11. Swearing-in ceremony followed by an invitation-only executive-branch orgy.
10. Democrats suddenly develop a much deeper appreciation for the right to recall elected officials.
9. "Your incomes -- give them to me."
8. Gray Davis will be returned to the petrified forest from whence he came.
7. All female employees in the Statehouse are referred to as "Pat" and "Fanny."
6. California Department of Food and Agriculture now classifies
steroids as a vegetable.
5. As part of a "family first" agenda, he works to get dear ol'
Dad's Nazi party back on the ballot.
4. The governor's televised speeches have subtitles for those who speak Spanish and English.
3. Two words: flab tax
2. Statewide, the fourth Thursday in November is officially renamed "Danksgiffin."
1. Not only kisses babies, but gropes their moms, too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2003, 02:29 PM:
Rated G
"I'm not sure Arnold has learned from this controversy.Today on the campaign trail,Arnold kissed a baby while it was still breast feeding."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2003, 09:37 AM:
Rated PG
Security Briefing:
(funny play on words. Example..Haid D'Salaami = hide the salami)
Tom Ridge: Good afternoon! Before we begin today's briefing,I wish to announce that, on the basis of change in the nature of Al-Queda chatter,we are changing the current threat level to Magenta. Let me repeat: the threat level is now.. Magenta.
What is Magenta? It's a darker maroon.It's not quite an ox
blood.It's more plum color than.. say.. a crimson.How serious
is it? [ sighs ] I honestly don't have an answer for that.We'll
try to have that for you by early in the week.In any case, I'd
like to introduce Craig Fenson,the new senior spokesman for the
office of Homeland Security,and he'll be happy to take your
questions.
Craig Fenson: Good afternoon. In the past few weeks, through ournational hotline,we have collected hundreds of names of suspected terrorists,and I'm proud to say that most of the
calls have come from high school and college students nationwide.
In fact,we received over 475 calls alone regarding this man:
M'Balz Es-Hari.We also received information on such nefarious
terrorists such as Graabir Boubi,and Haid D'Salaami and.. let
this be a message to you,Haid D'Salaami: we will not play your
dangerous games We are also currently searching for a man we
believe to be a Al Queda leutinant:Hous Bin Pharteen,his cousin I-Bin Pharteen,and their close companion I-Zheet
M'Drurz.Question over there?
Reporter #1: Is there a way to identify Hous Bin Pharteen?
Craig Fenson: Ah.. our operatives have picked up his scent. Also,according to our intelligence,he is targeting gas
refineries,fertilizer plants, and, oddly enough, baked bean
canneries.He is a silent, but deadly killer.
Reporter #2: What can you tell us about I-Zheet M'Drurz?
Craig Fenson: We're told that,when he was fleeing the scene ofhis last attack,he left skidmarks.He is extremely dangerous.Our sources say that he is planning on attacking the New YorkCity sewer system with what we believe it is to be a dirty bomb.
Reporter #3: Do you have any other names you're willing to release?
Craig Fenson: Yes! Please call our hotline at once if you haveany information on the following men: Shaif Hirboush.. Al-Suq
Akweer.. Mustaf Herod Apyur Poupr. I hope I got that right! Awan
Afuqya.. Yul Strokheet Al-Wauch.. Apul Madeek - who we believe
will be targeting adult bookstores sometime in the near future.
And this man, the notorious Yuliqa M'Diq, A.K.A. Uwana M'Diq,
A.K.A. Usuqa M'Diq. Uh.. thank you, that is all.
(SNL)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2003, 12:10 PM:
Rated PG
"Starbucks is finally opening up a store in France.It's very
hard to get American stores over there because the French are
very protective of their culture and their customs and their
food;it took Starbucks years.In fact,they kept Starbucks out longer than they kept Hitler out."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2003, 12:53 PM:
Rated G Michele
The State Department escort was giving the newly arrived Asian
diplomat a thorough tour of Washington nightlife.
After watching a group of young couples in a discotheque, the escort said,"I don't imagine you've ever seen anything quite like this in your country.Do you know what they're doing?"
"Yes, but why are they standing up?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2003, 04:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
Everyone who has ever bought a house can enjoy this...it is too
good not to share!
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.The title to the property dated back to 1803,which took the lawyer three months to track down.After sending the information to the FHA,he received the following reply (actual letter):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application,we note that the request is supported by an Abstract
of Title.While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.Before final approval can be accorded,it will be
necessary to clear the title back to its origin."
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.
I note that you wish to have the title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.I was unaware that any educated person in this country,particularly those working in the property area,would not know that Louisiana was purchased,by the U.S.,from France in 1803,the year of origin identified in our application.For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats,the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France,which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus,who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. Good queen, Isabella,being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA,took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition.Now the Pope,as I'm sure you may know,is the emissary of Jesus Christ,the Son of God,and God,it is commonly accepted,created this world.Therefore,I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.God,therefore,would be the owner of origin and His origins date back,to before the beginning of time,the world as we AND the FHA know it.
I hope to hell you find God's original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our damn loan?"
The loan was immediately approved.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2003, 08:29 AM:
Rated PG Michele
Did you hear that CBS will replace "The Reagans" with "The
Clintons" miniseries.
The word is that Rev. Pat Robinson and Rev. Jerry Falwell have
been commissioned by CBS to produce "The Clintons" with Rush
Limbaugh playing Bill Clinton,Rosie O'Donnell playing Hillary
Clinton and Barbra Streisand playing Monica Lewinski.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2003, 09:56 AM:
Rated R Michele
Before the books were published, readers suggested titles for
Monica's tell-all book:
* Me and My Big Mouth
* What Really Goes Down In The White House
* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President
* How I Blew It In Washington
* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule
* Going Back for Gore
* Secret Services to the President
* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton
* The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions
* She's Chief of MY Staff!
* Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes
* Going Down and Moving Up
* Members of the Presidential Cabinet
* How To Get A Head in Business
* I Wore What You Did Last Summer!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2003, 01:10 PM:
Rated G
Bush Jogging
George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said: "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said: "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."
The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!".
The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."
The kid says: "But I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2003, 12:56 PM:
Rated G
Aliens Attack
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2003, 07:39 AM:
Rated G
"Arnold Schwarzenegger is gonna be the new governor of California.During his acceptance speech Arnold said 'I will not let you down.' Unfortunately, at the time Arnold was holding a woman over his head and looking up her dress."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2003, 07:41 AM:
Rated G
"Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent.This proves he would be a hands-on governor."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2003, 07:45 AM:
Rated G
Blair Says Britain Must Back Bush to Become 51st State
Urging his nation to "see the big picture" and not focus on one issue, British Prime Minister Tony Blair today explained that unflinching support for President George W. Bush is particularly necessary now if Great Britain is ever to become the 51st U.S. state.
BBspot reports.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2003, 10:21 AM:
Rated G
The New California Governor has just announced an
agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state,rather than German,which was the other
possibility.
As part of the negotiations,The Terminator's Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or,perhaps even better,"Austrionics".)
In the first year,"s" will replace the soft "c".Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k".This should klear upkonfusion,and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f".This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year,publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also,al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer,ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil
find it ezi tu understand ech oza.Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad yu smil,pleas pas it on to oza pepl.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2003, 08:29 AM:
Rated G
The Bill Clinton Presidential Library is set to open in 2004. It is supposed to be a pretty special place.They say it will be the only Presidential Library that features a cigar bar.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2003, 02:48 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont
This Pastor has guts!!
Thought you might enjoy this interesting prayer given in Kansas at the opening session of their Senate. It seems prayer still upsets some people.
When Minister Joe Wright was asked to open the new session of the Kansas Senate, everyone was expecting the usual generalities, but this is what they heard:
"Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to
seek your direction and guidance.
We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.
We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.
We confess that we have ridiculed the absolute truth of Your Word and called it Pluralism.
We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.
We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.
We have killed our unborn and called it choice.
We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.
We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.
We have abused power and called it politics.
We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.
We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.
We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.
Search us, Oh, God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Guide and bless these men and women who have been sent to direct us to the center of Your will and to openly ask these things in the name of Your Son, the living Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen!"
The response was immediate. A number of legislators walked out during the prayer in protest. In 6 short weeks, Central Christian Church, where Rev.Wright is pastor, logged more than 5,000 phone calls with only 47 of those calls responding negatively.
The church is now receiving international requests for copies of this prayer from India, Africa, and Korea.
Commentator Paul Harvey aired this prayer on his radio program, "The Rest of the of the Story," and received a larger response to this program than any other he has ever aired.
With the Lord's help, may this prayer sweep over our nation and wholeheartedly become our desire so that we again can be called "one nation under God." ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-19-2003, 09:51 AM:
Rated G Hank in Terminator State
Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in the White House.The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says,How can I best serve my country?
Washington says,Never tell a lie.
Ouch!SaysHillary,I don't know about that.
The next night,the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary
says,How can I best serve my country?
Jefferson says,Listen to the people.
Ohhh! I really don't want to do that.
On the third night,the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears...Hillary says,How can I best serve my country?
Lincoln says, "Go to the theater".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-19-2003, 12:26 PM:
Rated G Michele
Presidential candidate John Kerry likes riding his Harley
motorcycle.
If he is elected, he'll be the first president since Clinton to
ride a hog.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-19-2003, 08:26 PM:
Rated G Michele
There were rumors of an earthquake in the Eastern United States
yesterday.It was around the same time as the swearing in ceremony of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Turned out it was just the Kennedys rolling over in their graves.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2003, 11:59 AM:
Rated G
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
--Robert McCloskey
State Department Spokesman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 01:19 AM:
Rated G
In England they are furious over President Bush's visit. In
fact, in a speech the mayor of London described President Bush
as '”he greatest threat to life on this planet.' After hearing
this President Bush said 'That is ridiculous, what about
godzilla?"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 07:32 AM:
Rated G Janine
Supposedly, Bill Clinton is deaf to sounds of certain pitches,
and news reports state that this means there are particular words
he cannot make out. They did no specify what those words were,
but I have secretly obtained the official list. Here they are:
"No", "Mister", "President", "I", "Don't", "Want", "You", "To",
"Remove", "Your", "Pants".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2003, 10:33 AM:
Rated G Late Night Hosts
"Earlier tonight on CBS was the 'Andy Griffith Show' reunion. What a great show,everyone was there - Gomer was there, Goober was there,Barney was there,Opie was there,Otis was there,Floyd was there.Oh wait a minute, those are the Democratic candidates for President."-Dave Letterman
"John Kerry is on the show tonight.He fired his campaign manager which surprised me cause I thought his hairstylist was the first to go." - Jay Leno
"Marine divers have located a Civil War shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean.At first they were confused.When they found this ship with a Confederate flag on it,they thought,'Oh my God, Howard Dean's yacht has sunk.'" - Jay Leno
"Today's Washington Post says that of the nine Democratic
presidential candidates, Wesley Clark has the most presidential
hairstyle. Not only that but the Post said that Al Sharpton had
the best hairstyle of a first lady." - Conan O'Brien
"Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich - he says he is now looking for a wife.When Bill Clinton heard this,he said,
'Hey take mine.'" - David Letterman
"Leading Democratic contender Howard Dean says he stopped drinking 22 years ago and hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since.On the other hand, Joe Lieberman took a look at his poll numbers and started drinking pretty heavily." - Jay Leno
"In a recent interview,Howard Dean admitted that he used to drink and smoke pot.So, now all he needs to put him over the top is a sex scandal." - David Letterman
"In his new book,'Winning Back America,' Dean talks about his
wealthy prep school and how he used to get drunk. Let me get this straight - he had rich parents, drank a lot, went to prep school and avoided Vietnam.He's the alternative to George Bush? I think he is George Bush." - Jay Leno
"Last night during a Democratic presidential debate, candidates
John Kerry, John Edwards and Howard Dean all admitted they had
smoked marijuana and Al Sharpton admitted that his barber smokes
marijuana." - Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton is now denying that he is endorsing General
Wesley Clark. Do you know the difference between General Clark and Clinton? The general knows how to control his privates." - Jay Leno
"Wesley Clark is being coached by former President Clinton. I
believe this is the first time a general is being advised by a pot-smoking draft dodger." - David Letterman
"According to a new Newsweek poll,after a few days after entering the race,General Wesley Clark is already the Democratic frontrunner,according to the polls if the race were held today Clark and Bush would be a virtual dead heat.In a related story
Bush announced he is calling Clark out of retirement and sending
him to Iraq." - Jay Leno
"Howard Dean is a politician, a medical doctor and a Democrat. So he has three reasons to tell women to take off their clothes
now." - Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry came down pretty
hard on fellow candidate Howard Dean this weekend. After Dean
misspoke several times,Kerry said you can't misspeak 15 times in a week and be president.And Bush said, 'You can't'?" - Jay Leno
"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name asingle Democratic candidate running for president.The other 34% are Democratic candidates running for president." - Jay Leno
"Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman took a shot at frontrunner
Howard Dean. He said Howard Dean is a ticket to nowhere. So at
least Lieberman will have someone to ride with now." - Jay Leno
"Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean is on the cover of both Time and Newsweek, and presidential candidate John Edwards is on the side of a milk carton." - Jay Leno
"The Boston Globe is reporting that Democratic presidential
candidate John Kerry used to date actress Morgan Fairchild but it didn't work out.Apparently she couldn't handle dating someone
with bigger hair than she had." - Jay Leno
"The Democrats had their first presidential debate over the
weekend. Nine guys showed up for the big debate. What a dreary
group.Did you see these guys? President Bush took one look at
them and said,'I might win this one fair-and-square.'" - David
Letterman
"The candidates are getting ready for the 2004 election. So far thefrontrunners for the Democratic nomination are Dick Gephardt,
Senator John Kerry, former Governor Howard Dean, and Senator Joe
Lieberman, or as Bush calls them ace of spades, two of clubs, the king of diamonds." - Jay Leno
"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democraticpresidential debate,and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Half way through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium.You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand." - Craig Kilborn
"The Reverend Al Sharpton attacked President Bush, saying he
ruined the economy. For instance, Sharpton hasn't been able to
find a job in over 46 years." - Craig Kilborn
"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech." - Craig Kilborn
"Are you ready for some exciting news? Dick Gephardt is running forpresident - all right, settle down. Gephardt ran once before forpresident in 1988, but he was no match for the irresistible charm and charisma of Michael Dukakis." - David Letterman
"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery.
But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic
candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best.The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." - Jay Leno
"Joe Lieberman announced yesterday that he's running for
president.He made the announcement at his old high school. Out of force of habit,the kids gave him a wedgie and broke his
glasses." - Jay Leno
"Well folks it's started, the presidential race.Democratic
Senator John Edwards of North Carolina, who is also a personal
injury attorney,has announced he is running for president in
2004. Good slogan too,'Elect me and there will be one less
lawyer.'" - Jay Leno
"Did you hear about the controversy surrounding the Joe Lieberman
campaign? Turns out years ago he may have experimented with
charisma." - Craig Kilborn
"There was a big grease fire at Al Sharpton's office today.
Apparently, his hair got too close to the space heater." - Jay Leno
"Gary Hart announced he's going to run for president again.Now if you don't remember Gary Hart, Gary Hart is the Democrat who
cheated on his wife with a skinny girl." - Jay Leno
"Here's a great story,incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida,saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car,jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived.In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people.He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards the trial lawyer stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital." - Jay Leno
"The Democrats have selected Boston,Massachusetts,as the site of their 2004 Democratic Convention.The convention will be held in
September.This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face
mathematical elimination together." - Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2003, 09:42 AM:
Rated G
Politics As Usual?
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the
outcome of a political election.At the end of the announcement, he said, "More on candidates at 10 P.M."
My ten-year-old granddaughter looked at me in disbelief."I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 09:08 PM:
Rated R Michele
What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
order for us to get some dick in the White House,we had to go out and vote.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 09:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Why not move the political conventions to one of the winter
months, so all the hot air won't go to waste?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2003, 09:26 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
For quite some time now democratic sympathizers in the US have been using email and web sites to communicate with those in China who would have democratic rule, whatever the cost.
In order to put a stop to this, the leader of Red China,decided to create one master computer through which all internet and email access would go.This master computer would serve as censor and sole connection from China to the world.All incoming and outgoing email and web sites would be monitored for
"undesirable" content.Anytime a citizen was found to have been using such sites or sending or receiving such email,it would be easy for this master computer to track down that citizen and lead authorities to him or her.
In an ironic bit of humor,the leader of China dubbed this
computer"The Great Firewall of China".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2003, 08:30 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont.
Two Cows
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man
in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for
the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch. Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you can not touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in
the hospital.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big tits.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 02:53 PM:
Rated G Michele
Of the 10 deadliest varieties of snake, 7 are in Australia.
The other three are in politics...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2003, 03:09 PM:
Rated G
"In Iraq, the terrorists are now firing missiles from donkey carts and working on plans for suicide donkeys. I guess these are the high-tech weapons President Bush was talking about. Let's say they do use suicide donkeys, now would that be 'weapons of ass destruction?'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 02:48 PM:
Rated G
.
.
.
"Arnold Schwarzenegger has announced he will refuse his $175,000
salary and will work for free. I believe he will be worth every
penny."
--Craig Kilborn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 02:51 PM:
Rated G ToolWoman
Would you hire them?
Unusual statements made by candidates during the interview
process...
I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or
shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
People are always watching me.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Michele
Legislative Slips of the Tongue
"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."
-- Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans
"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."
--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge
"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state."
--Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson
"This amendment does more damage than it does harm."
--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans
"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time."
-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego
"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire
tracks."
--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville
Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."
-- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2003, 12:47 PM:
Rated G This Date in History 12-5-98
The Non-Abled Workers Act
WASHINGTON, DC-On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless Americans.
The act,signed into law by President Clinton in Shanghai shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real skills or uses.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans--through no fault of their own--do not possess the talent necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Clinton,a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding,dead-end busywork:Xeroxing documents written by others,fulfilling mail-in rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens,and processing bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see.Sadly,for these millions of nonabled Americans,the American dream of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply not a reality."
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act,more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability.Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable,utterly replaceable employees.
The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers,including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hires.
Finally,the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"
"As a nonabled person,I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz,who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me." With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human beings,to provide each and every American citizen,regardless of his or her lack of value to society or, for that matter,the human race; some sort of void to fill in this great nation."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2003, 08:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Favorite Drink
The National Governors Association met in Washington D.C. on
Friday at the Shoreham Hotel.
The most popular drink at the hotel bar is called "Lilac Crazy" because that's what politicians do whenever they get together at these meetings.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 02:13 PM:
Rated G
"Arnold Schwarzenegger was sworn in as the Governor of California. He put one hand in the air, the other hand on the Bible, which is a good start — at least we know where his hands are now."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 03:06 PM:
Rated G
"Al Gore skipped over his buddy Joe Lieberman and decided to endorse Howard Dean for the presidency. This is a great fit because Dean is a doctor and Gore is a corpse."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 03:17 PM:
Rated G
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat. Get me a change of registration form." "You can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"
"That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed. His lawyer was at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to become a Democrat so badly before you died?" In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less Democrat".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 04:09 PM:
Rated G
"Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 04:12 PM:
Rated G
"Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean was all smiles,well smirks, after picking up the endorsement of former Vice President Al Gore at a rally in Harlem ... Gore went on to praise Dean for taking a tough anti-war stance before the invasion of Iraq and he praised Dean supporters in hopes that will ease his concerns over lack of foreign policy experience, and his lack of support among blacks and Latinos, and his hot temperament, and perceived arrogance,and policy flip-flops,and campaign glitches.Well, there's a lot going on here."
-—Jon Stewart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2003, 04:21 PM:
Rated G
"When Joe Lieberman found out about Al Gore endorsing Howard Dean he said 'Oh thank you Jesus!'"
- —David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2003, 08:20 AM:
Rated R Memories of Jokes Past
Internship
Greetings prospective White House interns!
This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!
Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:
Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers!
See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!
Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic." --M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.
As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.
Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at www.president@whitehouse.gov
Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__ Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you...
...Giggly:
...Drunk:
...Hot:
...To lie to a federal prosecutor:
Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic
Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century femininity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world
You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israeli policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument to democracy"
My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House
Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon.
Uncle Sam wants you.
* Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2003, 12:15 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
"President Bush said today he would like America to establish
a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to getAmericans used to an environment where the air is unbreathable and there are no trees."
--Jay Leno
WAIT!! THERE'S MORE...
"Senator Hillary Clinton is criticizing President Bush saying
that his plan to reduce the number of troops in Iraq is simply
a PR move to designed to boost his 2004 re-election bid.
However, the President denied this and said, 'That's what
my crazy moon plan is for."
-Tina Fey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2003, 09:41 PM:
Rated PG B.B.
The hottest selling new political bumper sticker comes from
New York State: "RUN HILLARY RUN"
Democrats put 'em on the rear bumper...
Republicans affixed them to the front bumper
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-29-2003, 06:03 PM:
Rated G
A car company can move its factories to Mexico and claim it's a free
market.
A computer company can outsource its help desk to India and claim its
a free market.
A toy company can outsource to a Chinese subcontractor and claim it's
a free market.
A major bank can incorporate in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claim it's
a free market.
BUT, heaven help the elderly who dare to buy their prescription drugs
from a Canadian pharmacy, that's just so un-American!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 07:48 AM:
Rated G Michele
Libya gave up its weapons of mass destruction Friday, according to Moammar Khadhafi in Tripoli.He's always good for a laugh.
The decision was made by Libya's three-man ruling council, which
consists of Moammar and his two brothers Larry-mar and Curly-mar.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 09:04 AM:
Rated G
"Here's another sign the economy isn't doing well: plastic
surgeries down 12% this year. That's what they mean when they
say the economy could get ugly."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 06:06 PM:
Rated G B.B.
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in
1776, working on the constitution.It had been a long day.
Father 1: Whew! It's getting rather warm in here, isn't it?
Father 2: Shall I open the window?
Father 1: No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and
roll up my sleeves.
Father 2: Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in
the constitution?
Father 1: What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and
roll up our sleeves while at work?
Father 2: Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth. How about
"Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2004, 06:15 PM:
Rated G Michele
"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern
has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."
-- Frank Licht,then governor of Rhode Island,campaigning for
McGovern in 1972
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2004, 12:37 PM:
Rated G MichaelG.
The L.A.R.K. Program.
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
My administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining
Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Ahmed's meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest serving meals that do not require utensils, particularly knives and forks.
Also, these should be "one-handed" foods; Ahmed will not eat with his left hand since he uses it to wipe himself after purging his bowels (which he will do in your yard) - but look on the bright side.. no increase in the toilet paper bill.
He generally bathes quarterly with the change of seasons, assuming that it rains, and he washes his clothes simultaneously. This should help with your water bill. Also, your new friend has a really bad case of body lice that hasn't been completely remedied. Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee's cage: "Does not play well with others."
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance, but his rabies test came back negative, so not to worry. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human
life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
However, he will be eager to assist with the education of your sons; have available for their use several copies of the Q'uran. Oh - and rest assured he absolutely loves animals, especially cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted, but raw is fine, too, if they aren't more than 2 or 3 days dead.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job. We think this watching over each other's shoulder is such a good way for people to interact that we will be sending a team of federal officials with expertise in your line of work to your place of business soon, just to help you do your job better. Don't be concerned that they have the power to close your business, seize your property, and arrest you for any violation of the 4,850,206 laws, codes, regulations and rules that apply to your profession. They're really there just to make sure you're doing everything the proper way. That is what you wanted, right?
Well, thank you for this opportunity to interact with such a valued member of the citizenry. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.
Cordially...
Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2004, 09:13 PM:
Rated G
More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised
seventy-two virgins when they die?
Turns out that it's only one seventy-two-year-old virgin.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2004, 10:45 AM:
Rated PG
New System Will Allow Investors to Panic in an Orderly Fashion
Ridge says The Department of Homeland Security will issue a series of color-coded stock market alerts in order to advise investors as to the appropriate level of anxiety,depression,and suicidal feelings they should be experiencing during the ongoing market crash,Secretary Tom Ridge announced today.By issuing these stock market alerts,we believe that we can help Americas investors panic,lose sleep,or kill themselves in an orderly fashion,Mr. Ridge said.The color-coded system,unveiled in a White House ceremony this afternoon, is as follows:
Green:
Only two new criminal investigations launched against major
corporations today, with the Dow expected to drop no more than
three hundred points; investors are urged to act irritably, yell
at spouses.
Blue:
President Bush will make major economic speech today; investors
are advised to convert their 401(k) plans to gold coins and
foodstuffs.
Yellow:
Martha Stewart has barricaded herself inside Westport home, is
holding off SEC investigators with a Cuisinart blade; investors
urged to drain their bank accounts and keep the proceeds in
underwear, bra, or body cavities.
Orange:
Alan Greenspan has been seen drinking malt liquor directly from a quart bottle on the steps of the Federal Reserve; investors should immediately organize yard sales and car washes, or start lap dancing for nickels.[/b]
Red:
Vice-President Cheney has reportedly changed his name, undergone
plastic surgery, and left the country in a single-engine plane
with $80 billion in small bills; investors are encouraged to throw themselves in front of a speeding bus.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2004, 10:49 AM:
Rated PG Michele
ARISTOCRAT: Who is that ugly woman who just came in?
LORD NORTH: Oh, that is my wife.
ARISTOCRAT: Sir, I beg your pardon. I do not mean her.
I mean that shocking monster who is along with her.
LORD NORTH: That is my daughter.
--Lord Frederick North (1732-92)
British Prime Minister (1770-82)
Conversation
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2004, 11:14 AM:
Rated G
A recent new poll on the presidential election says 50% would
vote to re-elect Bush while 38% support an unknown Democratic
candidate.
That's good news for the Democrats. If they can keep their nominee unknown, they might actually have a chance of winning.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2004, 09:40 PM:
Rated PG AJS in CT
Sen. John Kerry, recovering from prostate surgery,was told it would be six weeks before he could be sexually active.
Joe Lieberman called to wish Kerry well.
Al Sharpton called Kerry to offer prayers.
Howard Dean called with a get well message.
Richard Gephardt called with encouragement on recovery.
Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2004, 08:36 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
As a recent high-school graduate,I traveled to our state capitol
and got to visit the house floor.
While I stood there,thinkinghow difficult it must be for the people in that room to wrestle with important decisions that affect so many citizens,I spied sitting on one representative's desk a Magic 8-Ball.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 05:55 AM:
Rated G Late Night Quips
"Oh, my God.Did you see Dean's speech last night? Oh, my God. Now I hear the cows in Iowa are afraid of getting 'Mad Dean' disease."
-- Jay Leno
"Let me tell you something -- hey, believe me,I'm no pundit.I'm
no expert in politics,but I think it's a bad sign when your
speech ends with your aide shooting you with a tranquilizer gun."
-- Jay Leno
"Good news today for Howard Dean's wife.Looks like she's finally going to get some of that privacy she wanted."
-- Jay Leno
"You folks see the Iowa caucuses the other night? How many of you saw the Howard Dean speech? Did you see Howard Dean ranting and raving? How many of you got to see that? Here's a little tip,Howard.Cut back on the red bull."
-- David Letterman
"Howard Dean has been like the frontrunner and then last night he finishes a distant third in Iowa. Here's what happened. This is the way it works. The people in Iowa realized that they didn't want a president with the personality of a hockey dad."
-- David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2004, 06:09 AM:
Rated G Michele
This morning on the radio I heard excerpts of Senator John
Edwards' speech to his supporters after finishing second in the
Iowa caucuses:
"You and I will build together.We will say 'no' to kids going to bed hungry, 'no' to kids who don't have the clothes to keep them warm, and 'no' to Americans working full time and living in
poverty."
I thought that's what Democrats have been accusing Republicans of saying to these people for years?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 12:23 PM:
Rated G Michele
Political Bumper Sticker -
This vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters/Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP).
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 07:52 AM:
Rated G
The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table in 1776, working on the Constitution.It had been a long day when Thomas Jefferson said,"Whew! It's getting rather warm in here,isn't it?"
Ben Franklin replied, "Shall I open the window?"
"No, that's alright. I'll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves."
"Hey, that's a good idea. Why don't we include that in the
Constitution?"
"What? That we're allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while we work?"
"Yeah, but that doesn't sound very smooth.How about 'Everyone shall have the right to bare arms'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2004, 08:00 AM:
Rated G
Saddam Hussein's son comes home from shopping with everything in acardboard box.
His dad says, "Why have you brought the shopping home in a
cardboard box,son?"
To which his son replies, "Because there was no Baghdad!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 10:03 AM:
Rated G
Howard Dean announced today he will campaign in seven states. The states are Rage, Frenzy, Fury, Rath, Fever, Agitation, and
Delirium. Yeeeeaaaah!
Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 11:00 AM:
Rated PG Dennis in Yonkers
Al Sharpton is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes.They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the Rev Sharpton if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy." "No," says the Great Al Sharpton," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Rev. Sharpton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Sharpton were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Sharpton,"That's right.And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy,"because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 03:17 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Boston
Subject: A test
MORALLY, WHERE DOST THOU STAND?
With all your honor and dignity what would you do?This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.
The test features an unlikely,completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.
YOUR TEST
You're in Florida...In Miami,to be exact...There is great chaos going onaround you,caused by a hurricane and severe floods.......There are huge masses of water all over you.... You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and peoplefloating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything away with it.
You see a woman in the water; she is fighting for her life, trying not to be
taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer.
Somehow the woman looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is - it's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her away, forever.
You have two options.You can save her or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a PulitzerPrize winning photo --- a unique photo displaying the death of one of thecountry's most powerful women.
And here's the question: (Please be honest)
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Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2004, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
Former President Bill Clinton says he lost so much weight on his
new diet he has to get all new clothes. At least that's what he
told Hillary when she caught him with his pants down.
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 09:24 AM:
Rated G
"President Bush is now launching an investigation into pre-war
intelligence over weapons of mass destruction. If we find out
that we were wrong, do we have to put Saddam Hussein back in the
hole?"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2004, 01:01 PM:
Rated G
Immediately following the Super Bowl, George W Bush called the Patriots and complemented them on a great game.
Al Gore called the Panthers and said he thought they were robbed.
Bill Clinton called Janet Jackson.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2004, 01:05 PM:
Rated G
“I have reached the conclusion that one useless man is called a
disgrace;that two are called a law firm;and that three or more
become a Congress.”
--John Adams
Posted by Chris Medley (Member # 2145) on 02-16-2004, 01:45 AM:
Rated PG
What Are Politics?
A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."
So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."
"You do? Tell me."
"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"
Posted by Chris Medley (Member # 2145) on 02-16-2004, 01:47 AM:
Rated PG
Capitalism for Dummies
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. Both are mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
Hindu Capitalism: You have two cows. You worship them.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have two cows. Let’s make a hockey team, eh?
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?
Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Politically Correct Capitalism: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance & sing.
Microsoft Capitalism: You have two cows. You patent them and sue anyone else who has them.
Hollywood Capitalism: You have two cows. You give them utter implants and also teach them to bullet-dodge, wall climb and shoot milk out of their utters on command.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Bureaucratic Capitalism: You have two cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Gore Capitalism: You have two cows. You claim you invented them.
Real-World Capitalism: You have two cows. You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Perestroika Capitalism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
Jewish Capitalism: You have two cows. You set them on fire and they burn for 8 days.
Cambodian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Mormon Capitalism: You have two cows. You tell everyone that they should as well.
Military Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Texan Capitalism: You have two cows. You teach them to fire guns.
Totalitarian Capitalism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Jehovah’s Witness Capitalism: You have two cows. You go door to door telling people that you do.
Bureaucrat Capitalism: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Real Capitalism: You don't have any cows.
The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
Environmental Capitalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Bush Capitalism: You have two cows. You think that cows and humans can coexist peacefully. You give all of the milk to the upper class when they have cows of their own, and the lower class needs milk.
Martha Stewart Capitalism: You have two cows. After decorating them, you sell them because a farmer told you the price of milk might go down.
Ayn Rand Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell both so that you can invest in a new dairy company. After it does well, you sell you stock and buy a cow farm.
After that does well, you take out a loan using cows as capitol and build a milk manufacturing factory. After making your milk the most sold, you sell the company and retire to Hawaii with your millions of dollars.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2004, 08:35 AM:
Rated G From the Mid 1980's
Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians
have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything?
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The
Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red!
Can we bomb them, Sir? Please, Sir?
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the WHOLE moon red!
Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up
there, with plenty of white paint,and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2004, 08:39 AM:
Rated G Michele
During the National Spelling Bee, recently in the nation's capital,Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem,Israel's holiest city.
The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD.
When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem,he
replied, "J E R- USA -L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for
the first time,a USA presence in the holy city.Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest,citing American bias
toward Israel.
"It's a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee,lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.
Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the
Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh
grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier
for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan," said one beeofficial,"unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2004, 12:56 PM:
Rated G
Sharon & Bush
Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a Statedinner.Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and have atruly Jewish meal.
At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzoth ball soup.
George W. looks at this, and after hearing what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.The aide saysthat Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests),George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoth ball and some broth.
He hesitates,then swallows.A big grin appears on his face.He finds thathe really likes it,and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon.
"Do Jews eat any other part of the matzoth, or just the balls?"
Posted by Bruce Hansen (Member # 281) on 03-05-2004, 05:06 PM:
George Bush could have been called the environmental president, if he had just used all the hot air comeing out of the White House to generate power.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2004, 06:53 AM:
Rated G
"Attorney General John Ashcroft has been hospitalized. I believe he is suffering from homophobia.No,actually,it was just gallstones,but when they gave him the hospital gown that opens in the back,he refused to wear it,he thought it was a gay wedding dress."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2004, 09:21 AM:
Rated G
The White House Telephone Game:
CIA to Cheney: "We have no proof Iraq has WMD"
Cheney to Bush: "We just don't know if we can prove Iraq has WMD"
Bush to public: "Iraq has WMD!"
CIA to Cheney: "What the President said is inconsistent with
intelligence reports"
Cheney to Bush: "What we've said has been consistent with intelligence inconsistencies."
Bush to public:"What I have said has been consistent all along."
CIA to Cheney: "What in the world? Is everyone in the White House nuts?"
Cheney to Bush: "We would've been nuts not to go after Saddam
Hussein"
Bush to public: "Saddam is a madman and the world is better off without him."
(R. J. Matson, The New York Observer and Roll Call)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2004, 10:15 AM:
Rated G B.B. Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040?
Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2004, 08:16 AM:
Rated G
"A man in France was arrested today for using his car to run down a pedestrian he thought was Osama bin Laden.Even though it was a mistake,it still ranks as France's biggest military victory ever."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Carl King (Member # 398) on 04-06-2004, 12:56 PM:
Other than that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2004, 10:50 AM:
Rated G
This seems reasonable to me... what is so difficult here??
Isn't it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.
Also they track her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2004, 02:40 PM:
Rated G Greg in Washington
While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After
what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock,--- "We've never had a liberal in the family before!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2004, 11:55 AM:
Rated PG
Late Night With Hillary
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern."
-- Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family."
-- David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
-- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
-- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it."
-- Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments."
-- David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2004, 09:42 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
NEWS FROM THE GOVERNMENT
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation,halts production,destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks,and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn,it just doesn't get more accurate than that.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 05:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
According to Bob Woodward's new book, 'Plan of Attack,' when President Bush first decided to go to war with Iraq, he grabbed Donald Rumsfeld and pulled him into the study just outside the Oval Office and told him his decision. That is the same little room where Bill Clinton took Monica Lewinsky.
You know something, we gotta get rid of that little room -- that's two presidents in a row that have almost been taken down by that little room.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 03:00 PM:
Rated G
Jay Leno Wit
They said in the paper today that Al Gore has donated $6 million that he had left over from his Presidential campaign to help the Democrats win back the White House. Think about that!
He had $6 million left over!
He only lost by 500 votes.
Al, what were you saving it for?
You know, if he had just given those 500 voters $12,000 each, he'd be President right now. _ JL
John Kerry's wife, Teresa Heinz, is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week. They said if John Kerry is elected, she would be the oldest First Lady in American history _ 66 years old.
But that doesn't bother Kerry. To him, she looks like a million bucks - rather, $500 million. JL
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:46 AM:
Rated PG Michele
According to Bob Woodward's new book, Colin Powell warned President Bush about invading Iraq. He quoted the Pottery Barn rule, 'You break it, you bought it.'
See President Clinton believed in the Home Depot rule, 'You either screw it or you nail it.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 04:19 AM:
Rated XXX Denny in Yonkers
A man was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.
Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border, "May I see your identification, please?"
asks the agent.
"I'm sorry,but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.
"Sure,buddy,I hear that every day.No ID,no crossing the border," says the agent.
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims."I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other.
"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in front of the agent."By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent."Go on home to New York."
"Thanks!" he says."But how did you know I was from New York?"
The agent replies,"I recognized the picture of Hillary Clinton in the middle."
Posted by Bruce Hansen (Member # 281) on 05-15-2004, 05:51 PM:
Rated G Another light bulb joke
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The last thing Bush wants is people being able to see what is going on in the White House.
[ 05-16-2004, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Bruce Hansen ]
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 04:54 AM:
Rated G
Osama bin Laden, feeling sickly and concerned about his mortality, consults a psychic about the date of his impending death. Closing her eyes, and silently reaching into the future realm, she finds the answer. “You will die on an American holiday.” “Which one?” bin Laden asks nervously. “Doesn’t matter,” replied the psychic. “Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!”
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 05:03 AM:
Rated G
George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington’s ghost. Bush asked the ghost, “President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” “Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did,” advised Washington. With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn’t sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. “Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?” Bush asked. “Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government,” Jefferson answered. Bush still couldn’t sleep well, so much later, on the same night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln’s ghost. “Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?,” Bush asked. Lincoln replied, “Go see a play.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2004, 08:26 PM:
Rated G
"In the United States Senate, One of the things I observed in the early days - and it is still used - and that is that you take someone's argument and then you misrepresent it and misstate
and disagree with it. And it's very effective. I've done it myself a number of times. But eventually, eventually people catch on."
--Senator Edward M. Kennedy, speaking recently at the National Press Club in Washington
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2004, 06:42 AM:
Rated G
New Pledge of Allegiance!
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word "God" is mentioned.... a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer.
I liked it....
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.
We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 06-29-2004, 08:44 PM:
Rated G
Forwarded to me from my very occasional theatre work partner Dave.
someone sent this to me.
here's hoping...
One sunny day in 2005 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."
The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him, and again, just walked away.
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"
The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."
Posted by Nicholas Suchyta (Member # 2050) on 07-09-2004, 05:33 PM:
G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave. Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"
The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"
Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2004, 10:38 AM:
Rated G
The head of the AFL-CIO endorsed John Kerry, saying, 'The time has come to come behind one man, one leader, one candidate.' Then he said, 'And until we find that man, we will endorse John Kerry.'
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2004, 10:40 AM:
Rated G Michele
When he first ran for office, he appealed to the voters:
"I never stole anything in my life. All I ask is a chance." ---
Unknown
Posted by Jack Ondracek (Member # 1466) on 07-18-2004, 04:45 PM:
For all you undecided voters out there...
Something For Everyone... Click Here!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2004, 10:16 AM:
Rated G Michele
Bill Clinton's former National Security Advisor, Sandy Berger, is now under investigation for making notes on highly classified anti- terror documents and sneaking them out of the National Archives by stuffing them down his pants.
What is it about these Clinton people always being investigated for something in their pants?
Why is that? ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:48 PM:
Rated G
In an interview with Barbara Walters, Martha Stewart was talking about going to jail and she compared herself to Nelson Mandela.
A billionaire white lady from Connecticut gets 5 months in a country club prison versus a black civil rights leader who spent 27 years in prison fighting apartheid.
Who doesn't see the similarity there? How can you miss it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2004, 11:57 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
This morning -- from a cave somewhere in Pakistan --
Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will halt America's supply of convenience store managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next.
It's really getting ugly
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-16-2004, 12:12 PM:
Rated PG
John Kerry was going to visit the Catholic National Cathedral outside Washington as part of his campaign.Kerry's campaign manager made a visit to the Cardinal and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Catholics because of Kerry's position on abortion and the like. We'd gladly make a
contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you'd say John Kerry is a saint."
The Cardinal thinks it over for a moment and agrees to do it.So,
John Kerry shows up,and as the Mass progresses the Cardinal begins his homily.
"John Kerry is petty,a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit. He is a liar,a cheat,and a thief.He is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally known. But compared to Ted Kennedy,John Kerry is a saint."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2004, 09:29 AM:
Rated PG
For the Republicans out here:
Monica Lewinski has deceided to vote Republican this year. The Democrats have left a bad taste in her mouth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2004, 11:14 PM:
Rated PG
At a press conference today,Teresa Heinz Kerry,wife of Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry,announced that she's going to be on the campaign trail with her husband!
"To prepare myself," she said,"I have shaved off all my pubic hair.From now until the election,I shall sit on the stage with John,and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties.
This will send a strong message to America."
"Just what is that message,Mrs. Kerry?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
To which Teresa replied, "READ MY LIPS, NO MORE BUSH!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2004, 09:23 AM:
Rated G Michele
Did you hear about this? On one of the campaign stops the other day, John Kerry gave a pep talk to the Mansfield, Ohio senior high school football team. And then they went out and got creamed 34 to 7.
Well, you can understand what happened... After ten minutes of listening to Kerry, half the team fell asleep and the other half was zig-zagging all over the field. Didn't know which way to go.
They had no direction.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2004, 01:24 PM:
Rated G Lee in Seattle
I live in Washington and the old "buy a car in OR and live in WA" is a very common thing.
Now, on the side of a good joke,I offer this from an Email I rec'd yesterday.
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner and this one had an Elect John Kerry bumper sticker on it.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2004, 01:28 PM:
Rated G
John Kerry, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.
Curious,he says to the girl;"What's in the basket?".
She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. "
How nice" said Kerry. " What kind are they?". The little girl says,"Democrats".
Kerry smiles,pats the little girl on the head and continues on.
Three weeks later again taking a stroll,he sees the little girl again with the same basket.
Kerry says ;"Watch this,it's very cute".They approach the little girl.Kerry asks how the kittens are and she says fine.
He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" s
She replies,"Republicans."
Somewhat abashed,Kerry says,"Three weeks ago you said they were Democrats!"
"I know," she says." But now they have their eyes open".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2004, 01:42 PM:
Rated PG
The Hillary Clinton Memoirs
"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out.So much of her personality shines through,that in the end,you,too,will want to sleep with an intern."
--Craig Kilborn
"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,'Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton,falling in love with him, getting married,and living a passionate,wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts."
-- Jay Leno
"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair,she said 'I could hardly breathe,I was gulping for air.' No,I'm sorry, that's what Monica said."
-- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York,announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States.Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed..There go his dreams of
becoming a two-impeachment family."
-- David Letterman
"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington.People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same."
-- Jay Leno
"Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made is a promise broken.And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch."
-- Craig Kilborn
"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired
woman in America.Women admire her because she's strong and successful.Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with It.
--Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York.When they swore her in,she used the Clinton family Bible.You know, the one with only seven commandments."
--David Letterman
Posted by Dan Bouvier (Member # 2655) on 10-02-2004, 09:10 PM:
Canadian politics circa 1995...
Deborah Gray walks into a bar with a Liberal on her head, and the bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" And the Liberal says, "I don't know, I just woke up one morning and it was stuck to my butt!"
Posted by Gerard S. Cohen (Member # 994) on 10-06-2004, 04:03 PM:
Who leads us to war and who questions it??
DEMOCRATS:
Richard Gephardt: Air National Guard, 1965-71.
David Bonior: Staff Sgt., Air Force 1968-72.
Tom Daschle: 1st Lt., Air Force SAC 1969-72.
Al Gore: enlisted Aug. 1969; sent to Vietnam Jan. 1971 as an army journalist in 20th Engineer Brigade.
Bob Kerrey: Lt. j.g. Navy 1966-69; Medal of Honor, Vietnam.
Daniel Inouye: Army 1943-'47; Medal of Honor, WWII.
Charles Rangel: Staff Sgt., Army 1948-52; Bronze Star, Korea.
Max Cleland: Captain, Army 1965-68; Silver Star & Bronze Star,
Vietnam.
Ted Kennedy: Army, 1951-1953.
Tom Harkin: Lt., Navy, 1962-67; Naval Reserve, 1968-74.
Jack Reed: Army Ranger, 1971-1979; Captain, Army Reserve 1979-91.
Fritz Hollings: Army officer in WWII, receiving the Bronze Star and seven
campaign ribbons.
Leonard Boswell: Lt. Col., Army 1956-76; Vietnam, DFCs, Bronze Stars,
and
Soldier's Medal.
Pete Peterson: Air Force Captain, POW. Purple Heart, Silver Star and
Legion
of Merit.
Mike Thompson: Staff sergeant, 173rd Airborne, Purple Heart.
Bill McBride: Candidate for Fla. Governor. Marine in Vietnam; Bronze
Star
with Combat V.
Gray Davis: Army Captain in Vietnam, Bronze Star.
Pete Stark: Air Force 1955-57
Chuck Robb: Vietnam
Howell Heflin: Silver Star
George McGovern: Silver Star & DFC during WWII.
Jimmy Carter: Seven years in the Navy.
Walter Mondale: Army 1951-1953
John Glenn: WWII and Korea; six DFCs and Air Medal with 18 Clusters.
REPUBLICANS:
Dennis Hastert: did not serve.
Tom Delay: did not serve.
Roy Blunt: did not serve.
Bill Frist: did not serve.
Mitch McConnell: did not serve.
Rick Santorum: did not serve.
Trent Lott: did not serve.
Dick Cheney: did not serve.
John Ashcroft: did not serve.
Jeb Bush: did not serve.
Karl Rove: did not serve.
Saxby Chambliss: did not serve.
Vin Weber: did not serve.
Richard Perle: did not serve.
Douglas Feith: did not serve.
Eliot Abrams: did not serve.
Richard Shelby: did not serve.
Jon Kyl: did not serve.
Tim Hutchison: did not serve.
Christopher Cox: did not serve.
Newt Gingrich: did not serve.
Phil Gramm: did not serve.
Dana Rohrabacher: did not serve.
John M. McHugh: did not serve.
J C Watts: did not serve.
Jack Kemp: did not serve.
Rudy Giuliani: did not serve.
George Pataki: did not serve.
Spencer Abraham: did not serve.
John Engler: did not serve.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: AWOL from Austrian army base.
Antonin Scalia: did not serve.
Clarence Thomas: did not serve.
PUNDITS & PREACHERS
Sean Hannity: did not serve.
Rush Limbaugh: did not serve
Bill O'Reilly: did not serve.
Michael Savage: did not serve.
George Will: did not serve.
.
Paul Gigot: did not serve.
Bill Bennett: did not serve.
Pat Buchanan: did not serve.
John Wayne: did not serve.
Bill Kristol: did not serve.
Kenneth Starr: did not serve.
Ralph Reed: did not serve.
Michael Medved: did not serve.
Charlie Daniels: did not serve.
Ted Nugent: did not serve.
Posted by Jeremy Fuentes (Member # 2135) on 10-07-2004, 08:23 AM:
.....waiting for the punchline from the previous joke.....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2004, 10:30 AM:
Rated G
Gerard Missed one Republican:
Robert F. Maar USMC Sgt. Febuary 23, 1961 to February 22, 1967.
Semper Fi!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 09:05 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Governor Jeb Bush 700 North Adams St. Tallahassee, Florida 32303
Open Letter to Jeb Bush
Dear Mr.Jeb Bush:
We aren't going to have a presidential election with the problems that we had in 2000, are we? Frankly, I don't care who your brother and father are -- don't make me send any more hurricanes.
God
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2004, 09:57 AM:
Note: Came across this just this morning but thought you could use it in for more years.
Rated G
The Official 2004 Presidential Debate Drinking Game
By David Martin. Published September 29, 2004
Let's face it. The presidential debates are a nuisance. But for
whatever reason, most television networks feel obliged to carry them.
So stop your whining and make the best of a bad situation with the Official 2004 Presidential Debate Drinking Game.All you have to do is line up your favorite beverage and pick a candidate.
Then let the game begin:
- Every time President Bush says the word "safer," take a drink. If he uses the word "democracy" in the same sentence,make
it a double.
- For every John Kerry reference to the UN, have a drink.
- If Bush uses the phrase "compassionate conservative," you must chug your entire beverage.
- Take one drink for every three times Kerry points with his left hand.
- Any prev iously recorded Bushism, like "misunderestimate" or
"subliminable," used by the president during the debate requires one drink.
- If Kerry exceeds the time limit for any response, take a drink.
- Back-to-back offenses require a double shot and a NoDoz.
A reference by your candidate to any of the following requires one drink:
1) Florida
2) North Korea
3) Axis of evil
4) Saddam Hussein
5) The American people
- And for an exciting twist on the game, anytime anybody mentions the word "Vietnam," everybody has to take a drink.
In this game, everyone's a winner. At worst, you'll reach the end of the debate experiencing a warm,pleasant buzz.But if you're really lucky, you'll pass out by 10 o'clock and won't have to listen to the closing statements. Cheers!
Copyright © 2004, Chicago Tribune <http://www.chicagotribune.com/>
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2004, 02:32 PM:
Rated G Herbert Hoover
Herbert Hoover once complained to former president Calvin Coolidge that his attempts to promote economic recovery during the Great Depression seemed to be having minimal impact; moreover,his critics were becoming increasingly vocal and belligerent.
"You can't expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," Coolidge remarked.
"No," Hoover replied. "But I would at least expect to see contented cows."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2004, 10:14 AM:
Rated G
President Clinton plans to tape a phone message that will be sent to voters' homes urging people to vote Democrat.
Apparently you'll know it's Clinton's message because it starts with, What are you wearing?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:00 PM:
Rated G
The political candidate returned to his hotel room exhausted, but his wife refused to comfort him because she was more tired than he.
Infuriated, he demanded to know what she had been doing while he was making speeches.
"Listening to them dear," sighed the weary woman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:02 PM:
Rated PG Rich
The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."
Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:
A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)
B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)
C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13- 21)
D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)
E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)
F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen.38:6- 10; Deut 25:5-10)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Bubba
Question: Why doesn't bill clinton use bookmarks?
Answer: He prefers to bend over the pages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:24 PM:
Rated PG Michele
I always love when politicians try to be all things to all people.
This week,John Kerry bought a hunting license in Ohio to appeal to gun owners and hunters.Then he went to a Catholic mass to appeal to Catholics.
He also campaigned in Appalachia.
He told the crowd that his wife Teresa was his first cousin.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2004, 11:24 AM:
Rated G
"John Kerry is now blaming President Bush for what’s happening with the flu shots.Bush shot right back and said, "It’s pronounced 'Fallujah,' smarty pants."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 09:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
Sources close to the Osama bin Laden household say that there is "trouble in paradise," and a recent exclusive interview with one of Osama's four wives, Martha bin Laden, appears to bear this out.
"The world knows how evil Osama is," Martha bin Laden says. "What they don't know is how cheap he is."
The exclusive Martha bin Laden interview appears in the new issue of Angry People, a popular Kandahar magazine.
In it, Martha bin Laden says that "the day the allied bombers knocked out all of the power plants in Kandahar was the happiest day in Osama's life, because he knew it would bring down our electric bill."
All in all, the picture Martha bin Laden paints of life with her notorious husband falls far short of the glamour she and her fellow wives-Rhonda bin Laden, Barbara bin Laden, and Edith bin Laden-thought they were marrying into.
"I don't want people to think we're a bunch of gold-diggers or anything," Debbie says. "But when you marry a millionaire, you don't think you're going to spend the rest of your life crouching in caves."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 09:41 AM:
Rated G Michele
The U.S. Navy found a wireless video camera hidden in the women's shower on a ship docked in San Diego. It's no shock.
What do you expect from the branch of the service that named four destroyers and an aircraft carrier after the Kennedy family?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
POLITICAL JABS
"The Kerry campaign announced today they will have ten thousand lawyers at the polls in battleground states. Ten thousand lawyers. Well, let's hope you don't slip and fall on the sidewalk outside a polling place. You could be buried in business cards!'
-- Jay Leno
"You know, I love how rich candidates try to talk about this. Do you notice how these politicians try to relate to the everyday voter? Like today, John Kerry was talking to some union workers about the rising price of gas. And he said it's so expensive, he had to raise his mainsail all the way up and tack back and forth to get back to his summer home in Nantucket."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:33 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
"Pastoral Candidates" ...Think about this before you vote Nov. 2nd...What if the one here who seemed to be the best had been elected? The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for our church leader.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream- interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.
David:_The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused G~d's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people-- might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money. We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:56 AM:
Rated PG Tom in Saginaw
In the 2002 race for Michigan Attorney General the two candidates are Republican Mike Cox and Democrat Gary Peters.
My wife and I had been discussing the upcoming elections, and a political ad came on my TV praising Cox's firearms stance and NRA support and booing Peters' gun control platform while she was in the kitchen fixing dinner.
I yelled out to the kitchen, "Which do you prefer Cox or Peters?"
Her reply was, "Neither, I have a headache."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 02:47 PM:
Rated G Michele
The Top 5 Things Overheard at Polling Places Election day.
5. "Can't decide? Neither can Kerry. He's your boy!"
4. "It's very simple: If you really hate Bush, just indicate that by marking an 'X' beside his name."
3. "I'm sorry, Vice President Cheney, in order to vote you're going to have to disclose your home address."
2. "Eeney, meeney, miney, moe; Who's the guy who least will blow?"
The Number 1 Thing Overheard at Polling Places Today...
1. "Thirty bucks, same as in Florida."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 03:18 PM:
Rated G Louise
O K, its all over now, so lets be friends,
I'm a Democrat and your a Republican so,
I'll pet your Elephant and you can kiss my ASS.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:00 AM:
Rated G
CBS admitted that the documents they aired about President Bush's National Guard duty were forged.
As a result, CBS is now planning to drop the 'C'. D)
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 11-05-2004, 11:02 PM:
Rated PG
Maybe he just went home..
After giving a speech at an elementary school, President Bush lets the kids ask questions.
"How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the U.N.?" asks one boy.
Just as Bush begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they'll continue afterward.
Half an hour later the kids come back in. "Where were we?" says George.
"Oh, yes—does anyone want to ask me anything?"
A different boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions:
First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.?
Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, lastly, where the hell is Billy??
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2004, 07:22 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
Top 10 List which gave a run-down of the "John Kerry Excuses" which led to the junior senator's loss.
10. Voters were in a fever-induced haze because they couldn't get flu shots.
9. Floridians confused by shockingly unconfusing ballots.
8. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to begin speeches with "Yo mama is so fat" jokes.
7. The endorsement from Osama Bin Laden didn't exactly help him.
6. "Dude - it's the Curse of the Bambino."
5. Should've campaigned more in New Mexico, less in regular Mexico.
4. Turns out voters think it's hot that Cheney has a lesbian daughter.
3. Thought America was ready for a 'special' first lady.
2. Voters seem to really like a weak economy and a badly run war.
1. Was distracted by late night erotic phone calls from Bill O'Reilly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2004, 08:46 PM:
Rated G LAS In CT
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W.Bush were to be re-elected President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise!
Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell and her wife, Ed Asner, Janeane Garafalo, Whoppi Goldberg, Al Franken, Michael Moore, Cher, Phil Donahue, Rob Reiner(apparently still a "meathead"), Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Pierre Salinger, as well as the entire staffs of the LA and NY Times and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise, "Elation," which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay... at least four more years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.
Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain, Al Gore as cruise director, Grey Davis, Purser, Terry Heinz Kerry hopefully will be kept somewhere below decks away from the media.
Monica Lewinsky as the "Cigar and Cigarette Girl",
Entertainment by the Dixie Chicks and Bruce Springsteen, John Kerry will be our Life Guard in consideration of his past experience in pulling people out of the water. (Unless he decides at the last minute not to go) He is advocating the ellimination of the game "shuffleboard" in favor of his new game he calls "waffleboard" Be sure to pack your flip flops as you will need them while playing!
Ted Kennedy will double as Bartender and Director of Emergency Procedures
Rev. Al Sharpton will provide inspirational services, and Ex-Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes,friends and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.
"Bon Voyage!"
Is this a great country or what? It's called freedom
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2004, 12:28 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi
Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.
Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about politics? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"
"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patties, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"
"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."
"Well then" said Little Tommy, How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know shit?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2004, 12:39 PM:
Rated G
Q: What do politicians and porn stars have in common?
A: They're both experts at changing positions in front of a camera.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Michele
President Bush has appointed Margaret Spellings, a White House domestic-policy adviser, to be secretary of education. It was quickly noted that the new director is married.
That was a relief as Department of Education is the last place you want to find Miss Spellings.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:37 PM:
Rated G
Seen on a bus:
If you lie to people to get their money, that's fraud. If you lie to them to get their vote, that's politics.
Posted by Kenny Thies (Member # 1551) on 01-09-2005, 09:57 AM:
Rated PG
It was announced earlier this week that John Kerry got nipple rings. Asked why, Kerry responded, "Why not? George Bush has a Dick Cheney."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2005, 10:40 AM:
Rated PG Diane in Reno
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war.
Attached is a copy of a letter they received back: :- )
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C., 20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Washington.You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the "Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers" program, or LARK for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence next Monday.Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent,we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.He will bite you, given the chance.We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers.We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products,so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire.I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time.
Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter.We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching. Good luck!
Cordially...
Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2005, 10:18 AM:
Rated PG Diane in Reno
Cows,Constitution and 10 Commandments
COWS
Is it just me,or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of
Washington.They also tracked her calves to their stalls.But
they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering
around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,it's worked for over 200 years and we're not
using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in
a Courthouse - You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal","Thou shalt not commit adultery", and "Thou shalt not bear false
witness" in a building full of lawyers,judges,and politicians.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
TAXES
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
Capital Gains Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Court Fines
(indirect taxes)
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax
(FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel permit tax
Gasoline Tax
(42 cents per gallon)
Hunting License se Tax
Inheritance Tax Interest expense
(tax on the money)
Inventory tax IRS Interest Charges
(tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties
(tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Local Income Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Septic Permit Tax
Service Charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Taxes
(Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
Road Toll Booth Taxes
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax
(SUTA)
Telephone federal excise tax
Telephone federal universal service fee tax
Telephone federal, state and
local surcharge taxes
Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax
Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax
Telephone state and local tax
Telephone usage charge tax
Toll Bridge Taxes
Toll Tunnel Taxes
Traffic Fines
(indirect taxation)
Trailer registration tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
COMMENTS:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was the most prosperous in the world, had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What the heck happened
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:09 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
It seems that the 2004 election was so close that the Electoral College vote was tied, and that Congress couldn't break the deadlock, and that the Supreme Court decided they'd better not make the decision themselves.
So they sent Bush and Kerry to a frozen lake in northern Wisconsin to have an ice fishing contest. No one was allowed to accompany them, and they were on their honor to let the guy who caught the most fish in five days become president.
On the first day they went out in different directions. Bush came back with ten fish. Kerry caught none.
On the second day, Bush caught twenty fish and again Kerry came back empty handed.
When Bush brought back 25 fish on day three and Kerry still hadn't caught any, Kerry got worried and telephoned John Edward's for Advice.
"He's probably cheating," suggested Edward's.
"I hadn't thought of that," said Kerry. "You're probably right. What do we do?"
Edward's suggested that, instead of going fishing the next day, Kerry Follows the President to see what he was doing.
At the end of day 4, Kerry called Edward's up and told him, "you were right, John, the bastard is Cheating."
"What's he doing?" asked Edward's.
"He's cutting holes in the ice!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 07:30 AM:
Rated G
The Little Red Hen
Once upon a time, on a farm in Arkansas, there was a little red hen who scratched about the barnyard until she uncovered quite a few grains of wheat.
She called all of her neighbors together and said, "If we plant this wheat, we shall have bread to eat. Who will help me plant it?"
"Not I," said the cow. "Not I," said the duck. "Not I," said the pig. "Not I," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. And so she did; The wheat grew very tall and ripened into golden grain. "Who will help me reap my wheat?" asked the little red hen.
"Not I," said the duck. "Out of my classification," said the pig. "I'd lose my seniority," said the cow. "I'd lose my unemployment compensation," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen, and so she did. At last it came time to bake the bread. "Who will help me bake the bread?" asked the little red hen.
"That would be overtime for me," said the cow. "I'd lose my welfare benefits," said the duck. "I'm a dropout and never learned how," said the pig. "If I'm to be the only helper, that's discrimination," said the goose.
"Then I will do it by myself," said the little red hen. She baked five loaves and held them up for all of her neighbors to see.
They wanted some and, in fact, demanded a share. But the little red hen said, "No, I shall eat all five loaves."
"Excess profits!" cried the cow. "Capitalist leech!" screamed the duck. "I demand equal rights!" yelled the goose. The pig just grunted in disdain.
And they all painted "Unfair!" picket signs and marched around and around the little red hen, shouting obscenities.
Then a government agent came, he said to the little red hen, "You must not be so greedy."
"But I earned the bread," said the little red hen.
"Exactly," said the agent. "That is what makes our free enterprise system so wonderful. Anyone in the barnyard can earn as much as he wants. But under our modern government regulations, the productive workers must divide the fruits of their labor with those who are lazy and idle."
And they all lived happily ever after, including the little red hen, who smiled and clucked, "I am grateful, for now I truly understand."
But her neighbors became quite disappointed in her. She never again baked bread because she joined the "party" and got her bread free.
And all the Democrats smiled. 'Fairness' had been established. Individual initiative had died but nobody noticed; perhaps no one cared, as long as there was free bread.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2005, 11:55 AM:
Rated G Michele
How about a constitutional amendment that declares anything said in a campaign speech to be under oath?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2005, 11:29 AM:
Rated G Michele
Results from Sunday's election in Iraq won't be known until next Monday or Tuesday.
But that's only because of problems with the absentee votes from Florida and Ohio.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:14 PM:
Rated G Gerry
"There's only one thing that bugs me about this revolution bit." sighed one radical to another.
"What happens to our unemployment checks when we overthrow the government?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:18 PM:
Rated G Michele
A woman went on a tour of the White House.As the guide led her down one of the historic halls,a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal,balancing a beach ball on its nose,scurried past.
"My,what was that?" exclaimed the woman.
"Oh,that's just the Presidential Seal,"replied the guiide.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:32 PM:
Rated G Quirk
New Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice is on a tour of all our European allies.
That should take about 15 minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2005, 11:05 AM:
Rated G
A civic election campaign happened to be in progress when we moved to our new home. My wife and I noticed a large sign supporting one candidate on our next-door neighbor's lawn. Within a day we were approached and asked if we'd allow a sign for the opposition to be erected on our property. Until we were familiar with the issues, we said, we couldn't allow it, with the result that three times that week the opposition candidate personally called to discuss the issues and repeat the request.
Persuaded, we finally agreed, and the sign was erected.
That evening the doorbell rang. A gentleman introduced himself as the other candidate and asked if we had any questions about the election. Surprised at the attention we were receiving, my wife said, "Oh, you must know our next-door neighbor."
"I am your next-door neighbor," he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 10:27 AM:
Rated G
A Pakistani arrives in New York City. All excited,he stops the first person he meets.
"Good day, Mr.American, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and...
The person interrupts and says, "I am not American, I'm Chinese."
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by.
"Thank you, Mr. American,for to let my family and me stay here.." Again,he is interrupted before finishing his sentence.
"I no be American,I be Turk!"
The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by.
"Mr.American, me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not American"
"But",answers the Pakistani,distressed,"where are the Americans??"
The African looks at his watch and says,"Oh,they all work 'til five o'clock."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:28 PM:
Rated G Andrew
"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:39 PM:
Rated G
Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who traveled to a small town community to address the single church there.
Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he inquired in this way
"My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian (absolute silence); but my Grandmother was an Episcopalian (more silence); I must tell you that my other Grand- father was a Christian Scientist (deep silence); while my other Grandmother was Methodist (continued silence).
I must also tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through (loud cheers!) and I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:58 PM:
Rated G
My husband and I attended a pre-election address by a prominent politician.
When he ended his speech,an ardent admirer thanked the guest of honor profusely and presented him with a hand-knit sweater, which the politician promptly tried on.
At this, my husband leaned over to me and said, "This is the first time I've seen a politician pull the wool over his own eyes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:42 AM:
Rated G
Politician: Re-elect me for a second term! In spite of what the House Ethics Committee investigation concluded, my conscience is clean.
Heckler: Yeah, because in the last six years you never used it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 10:46 AM:
Rated G
MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT: Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?
WINSTON CHURCHILL: No, it is purely voluntary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 11:02 AM:
Rated G
A tourist climbed out of his car in downtown Washington, D.C. He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?" "What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But listen, I'm really in a bind so I'm going to have to trust you anyway..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 11:07 AM:
Rated PG
WILLIAM GLADSTONE: Mr. Disraeli, you will probably die by the hangman's noose or a vile disease.
BENJAMIN DISRAELI: Sir, that depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:47 PM:
Rated G
A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual" He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008 So we're taking up a collection for her.
The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:49 PM:
Rated R Bruce
One day about a month ago, the president was looking for a call girl. Hefound three such ladies in a local lounge - - - a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States....How much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied, "Two hundred dollars."
To the brunette he posed the same question, and she replied, "One hundred dollars."
He then asked the redhead the same question. The redhead replied, "Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes......get my panties as low as my wages.......get that thing of yours as hard as the times..... keep it as high as the gas prices.....keep me warmer than my apartment....and....screw me in private the way you do in public, then believe me Mr.President, it ain't gonna cost you a cent."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
City Boy: Say, Dad, how many kinds of milk are there?
Father: Well, there's evaporated milk, buttermilk, malted milk, and -- but why do you wish to know?
City Boy: Oh, I'm drawing a picture of a cow, and I want to know how many *spigots* to put on her.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2005, 12:19 PM:
Rated G
"President Bush is combining first lady Laura Bush's campaign for literacy with his war on drugs. It's a new program he calls, "Just spell 'no.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 04:48 PM:
Rated G : Michele
It's a very strange name they picked for "Social Security".
For what they actually send you, you can't afford to be "social" nor can you really feel "secure".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 05:11 PM:
Rated G B.B.
TAXES. . . (They're Everywhere!!)
Accounts Receivable Tax,
Building Permit Tax,
Capital Gains Tax,
CDL License Tax,
Cigarette Tax,
Corporate Income Tax,
Court Fines (indirect taxes),
Dog License Tax,
Federal Income Tax,
Federal Unemployment Tax,
Film-Tech Tax = 1% of all taxes
Fishing License Tax.
Food License Tax,
Fuel permit tax,
Gasoline Tax,
Hunting License Tax,
Inheritance Tax,
Interest Expense,
Inventory Tax IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties(tax on top of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Local Income Tax,
Luxury Taxes,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Septic Permit Tax,
Service Charge Taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Taxes,
(Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
Road Toll Booth Taxes,
School Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax,
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State, and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge tax,
Toll Bridge Tax,
Toll Tunnel Tax,
Traffic Fines (indirect taxation),
Trailer Registration Tax,
Utility Taxes,
Vehicle License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation Tax...
Whew!! Did you know, not one one of these taxes existed 100 year ago? Also, our nation was the most properous in the world, had essentially no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise all the kids!
What the heck happened?? (Greed?)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 01:50 PM:
Rated G
"As you know, Prince Charles married his longtime girlfriend Camilla Parker-Bowles over the weekend.
It's a mixed marriage. He's an Episcopalian; I believe she's a Clydesdale.
I found this interesting... In order to have their marriage blessed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, Charles and Camilla had to acknowledge their 'sins and wickedness.'
They had to acknowledge their sins and their wickedness.
Then they had to also say the burden of their past sins was intolerable.
What girl doesn't dream her whole life for that moment, huh?
You stand in front of all your friends and family... 'I'm a trollop. I'm a whore!'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2005, 07:38 AM:
Rated G Dennis in Yonkers
Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State.She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President.She referred to her career as a New York Senator,how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech,the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2005, 02:08 PM:
Rated G
SIGN ON DOOR OF AN IRS OFFICE:
You Can Cheat On Your Wife,
But Not On Your Uncle Sam!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:40 AM:
Rated G
Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"
He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2005, 10:16 AM:
Rated G
"Being in politics is like being a football coach," Senator Eugene McCarthy said,"You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-11-2005, 01:24 PM:
Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. Ca
OSAMA & THE GENIE
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile
said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please,I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence
of the woman, and said "Very well,I want to awaken with three
American women in my bed in the morning,so just do it and be
off with you !"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:51 AM:
Rated G
Politician: Just remember it's a small world.
Taxpayer: Then why does it cost so much to run it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2005, 01:47 PM:
Rated G
A Political Test
http://typology.people-press.org/typology/results.php
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:33 PM:
Rated G Gerry
One child to another as they listen to political candidate on TV:
"I'm only seven years old and I'm already sick of politics."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2005, 03:51 PM:
Rated G
I received a copy of this letter. I thought I would share it with all of my fellow film-tecker's.
This is not a joke.
This Letter of Apology was written by Lieutenant General Chuck Pitman, US Marine Corps, Retired:
"For good and ill, the Iraqi prisoner abuse mess will remain an issue. On the one hand, right thinking Americans will abhor the stupidity of the actions while on the other hand, political glee will take control and fashion this minor event into some modern day massacre.
I humbly offer my opinion here:
I am sorry that the last seven times we Americans took up arms and sacrificed the blood of our youth, it was in the defense of Muslims ( Bosnia , Kosovo, Gulf War 1, Kuwait , etc.).
I am sorry that no such call for an apology upon the extremists came after 9/11.
I am sorry that all of the murderers on 9/11 were Islamic Arabs.
I am sorry that most Arabs and Muslims have to live in squalor under savage dictatorships.
I am sorry that their leaders squander their wealth.
I am sorry that their governments breed hate for the US in their religious schools, mosques, and government-controlled media.
I am sorry that Yassar Arafat was kicked out of every Arab country and high-jacked the Palestinian "cause."
I am sorry that no other Arab country will take in or offer more than a token amount of financial help to those same Palestinians.
I am sorry that the USA has to step in and be the biggest financial supporter of poverty stricken Arabs while the insanely wealthy Arabs blame the USA for all their problems.
I am sorry that our own left wing, our media, and our own brainwashed masses do not understand any of this (from the misleading vocal elements of our society like radical professors, CNN and the NY TIMES).
I am sorry the United Nations scammed the poor people of Iraq out of the "food for oil" money so they could get rich while the common folk suffered.
I am sorry that some Arab governments pay the families of homicide bombers upon their death.
I am sorry that those same bombers are brainwashed thinking they will receive 72 virgins in "paradise."
I am sorry that the homicide bombers think pregnant women, babies, children, the elderly and other noncombatant civilians are legitimate targets.
I am sorry that our troops die to free more Arabs from the gang rape rooms and the filling of mass graves of dissidents of their own making.
I am sorry that Muslim extremists have killed more Arabs than any other group.
I am sorry that foreign trained terrorists are trying to seize control of Iraq and return it to a terrorist state.
I am sorry we don't drop a few dozen Daisy cutters on Fallujah.
I am sorry every time terrorists hide they find a convenient "Holy Site."
I am sorry they didn't apologize for driving a jet into the World Trade Center that collapsed and severely damaged Saint Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church - one of our Holy Sites.
I am sorry they didn't apologize for flight 93 and 175, the USS Cole, the embassy bombings, the murders and beheadings of Nick Berg and Daniel Pearl, etc....etc!
I am sorry Michael Moore is American; he could feed a medium sized village in Africa.
America will get past this latest absurdity. We will punish those responsible because that is what we do.
We hang out our dirty laundry for the entire world to see. We move on. That's one of the reasons we are hated so much. We don't hide this stuff like all those Arab countries that are now demanding an apology.
Deep down inside, when most Americans saw this reported in the news, we were like - so what? We lost hundreds and made fun of a few prisoners. Sure, it was wrong, sure, it dramatically hurts our cause, but until captured we were trying to kill these same prisoners. Now we're supposed to wring our hands because a few were humiliated?
Our compassion is tempered with the vivid memories of our own people killed, mutilated and burnt amongst a joyous crowd of celebrating Fallujahans.
If you want an apology from this American, you're going to have a long wait!
You have a better chance of finding those seventy-two virgins.
Chuck Pitman Lieutenant General, USMC (Ret)
Posted by David Favel (Member # 1125) on 06-12-2005, 02:26 AM:
I'm sorry, I don't get the joke?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:27 AM:
Rated G
Sign at entrance to Internal Revenue Service: "Watch Your Step", and at exit, "Watch Your Language."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:50 AM:
Rated G
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2005, 08:33 AM:
Rated G
"They want President Bush's approval for 'Star Wars'type weapons. In fact, after they made the announcement, Dick Cheney wispered in the President Bush's ear 'I am your father."
~~Jay Leno
[ 08-10-2005, 07:48 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2005, 08:37 AM:
Rated G
"Congress was evacuted and it caused a 15 minute interruption of getting absolutely nothing accomplished."
~~David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 07:47 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA
What me worry?
A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. What food might this contain?" He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning. "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house." The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
The mouse turned to the cow. She said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose." So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey. The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.
We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.
REMEMBER: EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY; OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER FOR A REASON.
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!!!!! Now you know why I posted this here.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 06:08 AM:
Rated G
"Today the White House announced that President Bush's personal chef is quitting his job. When asked why the chef said ' there is only so much you can do with Spaghettio's."
~~Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 11:46 AM:
Rated X
Due to Clinton's escapades, The Lord added an 11th commandment:
11. Thou shalt not stick thy rod in thy staff.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:51 AM:
Rated G
"Today after President Bush signed the new transportation bill he said that it's not enough to just pass the law - he said now "people have to show up to do the work." Then he went back to his five-week vacation."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:56 AM:
Rated X Michele
The wax museum just acquired a very good wax figure of ex prez Bill Clinton. They had it arranged to show him in an authoritative stance in front of several staff members set on a stage made up like the oval office.
After the figure had been on display for a couple of days, the museum employees were constantly having to go in and rezip Bill's zipper, it kept falling to the 'down' position.
They even went so far as to sew it in place, but that too met with some foul play, and the zipper was found ripped loose and in the down position.
So, to get to the bottom of this mystery, the museum installed a hidden camera to catch the culprit. They did. and it was more than just one.
During the course of one day no less than 18 different women stepped into the exhibit, got down on their knees, unzipped that zipper then placed their head on 'his' trousers and had a friend snap their photo.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:57 AM:
Rated G
"A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."
--G. Gordon Liddy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:15 PM:
Rated G
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2005, 04:36 PM:
Rated G
"Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2005, 04:40 PM:
Rated G
Pull My Finger George Bush Doll
Pull Bush's finger to hear phrases like "That's what I call the Flatulation Proclamation!"
Created by Tekky Toys.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2005, 01:29 PM:
Rated G Tony in Old Lyme
Q: What's George Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?
A: He really doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2005, 03:17 PM:
Rated G
government
Friday, September 16, 2005
A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
"This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.
"I wish to be on a beautiful island in the Caribbean."
POOF! He suddenly appears on a gorgeous beach.
After overcoming his initial surprise, he states his second wish.
"I wish to be waited on hand and foot by beautiful women."
POOF! A crowd of gorgeous women flock to him, attending his every need.
He tells the genie his third and last wish: "I wish to never have to work ever again."
POOF!
He's back in his government office.;D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:20 PM:
Rated G
Heard this morning on the national radio:
In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father:
Boy: "What is the Perestroika?"
Grand-Father: "You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the other one is empty."
B: "Yes."
GF: "Well... (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full bucket into the empty one)... This is the Perestroika."
B: "But, this is the same thing."
GF: "Yes, but did you hear the noise?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:56 PM:
Rated G
At the end of a long line of people waiting to get into Lenin's tomb there are people holding newspapers with headlines of the economic and political changes taking place in Eastern Europe and the USSR.
They look up, smiling, as a passerby asks, "Is this the line to see Lenin turn over in his grave?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G
Comrades,
Your nation has been selected as a recipient of our fraternal assistance plan for socially oppressed third-world countries. We recognize the plight of our brother countries in their struggle against revaunchism, reactionary forces, and insidious cosmopolitanism, and stand ever-vigilant, ready to take the vanguard in this global mission. Our party will help you guard against dangerous enemies, both internal and external, as you build communism for your future generations.
We have helped other countries like yours in casting off external forces of capitalist imperialism and crushing petty-bourgeois nationalist movements that are stirred up by the enemies of the people from within. We have selected your country because of its prominent position in the world struggle and have decided to render the assistance within the week.
Let it be understood that all those who oppose us oppose progress; those who support us toil towards the establishment of a workers' paradise; and as our father/comrade proclaimed: Those who are not with us are against us.
We hope that you will take advantage of our generous offer when our forces begin arriving next week to crush the capitalist serpent that is choking the life of the proletariat in your homeland. Comrades, let us both stand together at this historic moment, let our cadres help your cadres, let the strength of the motherland prevail against your enemies, and let us hope that our relationship is an eternal and productive one.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 04:58 PM:
Rated G This is very old maybe 40 + years but it is interesting to see again after all these years.
Very interesting.........................
Have a history teacher explain this----- if they can.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat.
Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'
Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 08:26 AM:
Rated G
A farmer was out working in his field one day when a carload of democrats came flying by. They were going too fast for the curve and turned over in the ditch.
Later the sheriff stopped by and asked the farmer if he has seen the car.
"Yep" replied the farmer.
"Where are they?" asked the sheriff.
"Over there," replied the farmer pointing to the ditch filled with fresh dirt.
"You buried them?" asked the sherrif, "Were they still alive?"
Replied the farmer, "They said they were, but you know how those people lie."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 10:53 AM:
Rated G
"Experts in Washington say that if the Coast Guard's ships aren't replaced soon, the will be unable to keep drugs and illegal alians from entering our country.
God forbid that should ever happen -- imagine what this place would be like if illegal alians and drugs were able to get in here?!!
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-30-2005, 05:48 PM:
Rated PG
A Story of Creation
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.
At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Then God said, "Let there be light."
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.
The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....
At this point, God created Hell.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 06:56 AM:
Rated G
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing about Iraq. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is
a brazillion?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 10:22 PM:
Rated G Gerry
President Coolidge's wife surprised him by having his portrait painted.
When it was finished she hung it in the White House library.
When he walked into the library with a senator, they stared at the picture in silence.
Finally Coolidge commented: "I think so too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 10:22 AM:
Rated G
Why did the leper go to the political rally?
.
.
.
.
.
He wanted to give somebody a piece of his mind.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 03:54 PM:
Rated PG
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican ?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans And Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.
You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! ! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2005, 08:00 AM:
Rated G
Republican Speaker of the House of Representatives J. Dennis Hastert likes to tell the story of how he visited a high school principal to see if he might want the job himself.
Outside the principal's office were half a dozen chairs that were filled with problematic students in the morning and with problematic teachers during lunch hour; the job consisted of listening to complaints all day.
'I couldn't see myself doing that,' Hastert says. 'So I decided to be a state legislator... Right outside my office now there are seven or eight chairs. And they're full every day.' He pauses for laughter.
'They call me the Speaker, but they really ought to call me the Listener."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:19 AM:
Rated PG News Brief's
Supreme Court Chief Justice William Rehnquist actually died on Monday, but it took FEMA 4 days to find him.
Halliburton got a contract to help rebuild in the Gulf Coast. We're hear they're starting with Trent Lott's house first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2005, 09:51 AM:
Rated G
"Al Gore gave a fiery speech today claiming that American democracy was in grave danger... and then his wife said 'Al, just pay the pizza guy and let's eat.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 12:32 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"A politician stands for what he thinks the public will fall for."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2005, 02:47 PM:
Rated G
"Yesterday Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave a 40 minute speech without any notes. When asked what Arnold spoke about, the crowd said 'How the hell should we know?'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 02:48 PM:
Rated G
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member accepted. "Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:28 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber."
~~Aristotle
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 06:37 AM:
Rated G
Before Lyndon Johnson became a Texas senator and eventually president, he was the tough head of a government agency. Passing a worker's cluttered desk, he scolded the man, "I hope your mind's not as messy as that desk."
Trying to keep on the good side of his boss, the worker immediately cleaned off his desk. But the next time Johnson came through the office, he said to the same man, "I hope your mind's not as empty as that desk."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:00 AM:
Rated G
In a speech today about Hurricane Rita, President Bush declared, quote, 'This is a big storm.'
In related news, the White House announced earlier today that the president is writing his own speeches.
=-Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2005, 07:58 AM:
Rated G
"Things are more like they are now than they have ever been."
-- Gerald R. Ford
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 06:53 AM:
Rated G
"U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week. Bono urged the president to help the world's poor. Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher."
--Tina Fey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:13 PM:
Rated G
"Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff said that he wants to expel all illegal immigrants from the United States. Which would reduce the population of Los Angeles to 142 people."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:15 PM:
Rated G
"In an announcement today President Bush said all federal workers should travel less to save fuel. He decided on this in Texas, right before he flew to Colorado then back to Washington to prepare for tomorrow's trip back to Texas."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:18 PM:
Rated G
"First Lady Laura Bush is going to guest star on a special edition of 'Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.' She'll be helping rebuild a shelter in Biloxi, Mississippi. You know, the last First Lady to have a screwdriver in her hand was Betty Ford." --
--Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 06:41 AM:
Rated G
Replace Air Female Flight Attendants
Replace all female flight attendants with good lookin'
strippers. What the hell? The attendants have gotten
old and haggard looking. They don't even serve food
anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear
of seeing naked women. And, of course, every
heterosexual businessman in this country would start
flying again hoping to see naked women. Hijackings
would come to a screeching halt and the airline
industry would see record revenue.
Why the hell didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 09:47 AM:
Rated G
Fall is when the leaves on the trees know their usefulness is done and they depart gracefully.
Politicians should be made to watch and learn.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
Inflation! When Congress becomes ten percent efficient, why, that is inflation.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 09:43 PM:
Rated PG
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:00 PM:
Rated G
"President Bush has declared a War on Pornography. Boy, I can't wait for those playing cards to come out. Hey, I got the Queen of Spades!"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:34 PM:
Rated G
Herbert Hoover once complained to former president Calvin Coolidge that his attempts to promote economic recovery during the Great Depression seemed to be having minimal impact; moreover, his critics were becoming increasingly vocal and belligerent.
"You can't expect to see calves running in the field the day after you put the bull to the cows," Coolidge remarked.
"No," Hoover replied. "But I would at least expect to see contented cows."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 02:35 PM:
Rated G
"The big story from Washington today is that President Bush may have lied to investigators about the CIA leak. The theory is that President Bush may have been playing dumb. Well good luck getting anyone to believe that one."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 06:32 PM:
Rated G
"Welcome to the Tonight Show. Nice to have you here. What a crowd! Boy, I tell you. You sound like Dick Cheney looking at Exxon's profits."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 06:33 PM:
Rated G
"Today, President Bush outlined the US government's plan to fight a bird flu outbreak. Apparently, his plan is to attack the bird flu over there in Iraq before it attacks us here."
"You know what he's calling his bird flu attack?
'Flock and Awe.' That's what we're calling it."
"President Bush says he wants to stockpile enough vaccine to protect 20 million Americans.
Of course, the other 260 million Americans who aren't millionaires, you're on your own."
"Bush said today he wants to spend something like $7 billion on a vaccine for this bird flu.
In a related story, Halliburton said, 'We're in the vaccine business.'"
--Jay leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 06:38 PM:
Rated G
"I don't think President Bush really understands this bird flu. Like, one reporter asked him today if he's inoculated, and Bush said, 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 06:40 PM:
Rated G
"Well, it was a scary moment in Washington, DC, yesterday, when a man with a knife was arrested in a park right across the street, a couple hundred yards away from the White House, after he slashed four people.
Luckily, no one was seriously injured, and the Secret Service said the incident was 'not terrorist-related.'
Well, thank God for that, huh? Luckily, he was a just a crazy guy across the street from the White House with a knife, stabbing people."
--Jay Leno
[ 11-06-2005, 10:39 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 12:02 PM:
Rated G
"I don't know if President Bush really understands this bird flu. A reporter asked him if he was inoculated, and he said 'Hey, I haven't had a drink in 20 years.'"
--Jay Leno
The Supreme Court ruled today that the word "God" can be left in the Pledge of Allegiance. But they also changed the word "flag" to "monkey".
--David Letterman
"As President Bush so eloquently put it in his address to Congress: 'Mathematics are one of the fundamentaries of educationalizing our youths.' I could not have said it better with a 10-foot pole."
--Dave Barry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 10:38 AM:
Rated G Denny In Yonkers
Subject: How Many Slaves do You Own???
For those of you unfamiliar with Fred Reed, he's a police reporter for one of the large Washington newspapers.......
Anyway, Fred publishes (published) a weekly online column in which he got to say the things his editors would never, ever have let him write in the paper. His stuff is iconoclastic and various articles have probably offended everyone regardless of political orientation.
So, with the warning that "This is definitely not politically correct", here comes Fred.
The following is an essay regarding the failings of a system and a culture. Please note that he elegantly describes the mood of many Americans and he does so without prejudice.
Slavery Reparations .......by Fred Reed
On the Web I find that Henry Louis Gates Jr., the chairman of Afro- American Studies at Harvard, is demanding that whites pay reparations to blacks. It's because of slavery, see. He is joined in this endeavor by a gaggle of other professional blacks. I guess he'll send me a bill, huh?
I feel like saying, "Let me get this straight, Hank. I'm slow. Be patient. You want free money because of slavery, right? I don't blame you." I'd like free money too. Tell you what. I believe in justice. I'll give you a million dollars for every slave I own, and another million for every year you were a slave. Fair enough? But tell me, how many slaves do you suppose I have? In round numbers, I mean...Say to the nearest dozen. And how long were you a slave?
Oh. In other words, I owe you reparations for something that I didn't do and didn't happen to you. That makes sense.
Like lug nuts on a birthday cake.
Personally, I think you owe me reparations for things you didn't do and never happened to me. I've never been coated in Dutch chocolate and thrown from the Eiffel Tower. I'll bet you've never done it to anyone. I want reparations. Kinda silly, isn't it?
But if we're going to talk about reparations, that's a street that runs in two directions. You want money from me for what some other whites did to some other blacks in another century. How about you guys paying whites reparations for current expenses caused by blacks? Not long ago blacks burned down half of Los Angeles, a city in my country. Cities are expensive, Hank. Build one sometime and you'll see what I mean. Whites had to pay taxes to repair Los Angeles for you. You can send me a check.
Now, yes, I know you burned LA because you didn't like the verdict in the trial of those police officers. Well, I didn't like
the verdict in the Simpson trial. But I didn't burn my house and loot Korean grocers. Over the years blacks have burned
a lot of American cities: Newark, Detroit, Watts, on and on. Now add in the fantastic cost over the years of welfare in all
its forms, of large police forces and jails and security systems in department stores.
I can't live in the capital city of my own country because of crime committed by blacks. Toss in the cultural cost of lowering standards in everything for the benefit of blacks. See what I mean?
Now, I'd view things differently if you said, "Fred, blacks can't get anywhere in a modern country without education. We know that. We need better schools, smarter teachers, harder courses, books with smaller pictures and bigger words. Can you help us?" I'd say, "Hallelujah! Hoo-ahh! Not just yes, but hell yes. Let's sell an aircraft carrier and get these folks some real schools and get them into the economic mainstream." I'd say it partly because it would be the right thing to do, and partly, because I'd like to add you guys to the tax base.
The current custodial state is expensive. I'd just love for blacks to study and learn to compete and stop burning places.
But is it going to happen? You may not believe it, but I, and most whites, don't like seeing blacks as miserable and screwed up as they are. I spend a fair amount of time in the projects. Those places are ugly. It's no fun watching perfectly good kids turn into semiliterate dope dealers who barely speak English. It just plain ain't right. But, Hank, what am I supposed to do about it? I can't do your children's homework.. At some point, people have to do things for themselves, or they don't get done.
Maybe it's time.
I'll tell you what I see out in the world, Hank.. I think blacks are too accustomed to getting anything they want by just demanding it. True, it has worked for over half a century. Get a few hundred people in the street, implicitly threaten to loot and burn, holler about slavery, and the Great White Cash Spigot turns on. Thing is, whites don't much buy it any longer. Most recognize that what once was a civil-rights movement has become a shakedown game. Few people still feel responsible for the failings and inadequacies of blacks. Political correctness keeps the lid on -- but everyone knows the score. Which scares me, Hank.
On one hand, blacks hate whites and incline toward looting and burning. (The whites you hate are the ones who marched in the civil-rights movement. Ever think about that?)
On the other hand, whites quietly grow wearier and wearier of it. Not good.
On the third hand (allow me three hands, for rhetorical convenience), blacks keep demanding things. As I write, you demand reparations for slavery. Blacks in Oklahoma (I think it was) want money for some ancient race riot. Other blacks reject the Declaration of Independence, blacks in New York hint broadly at burning and looting over a trial, yet more demand the elimination of the Confederate flag, and the federal equal opportunity apparatus, which means blacks, wants
to sue Silicon Valley for not hiring nonexistent black engineers.
That's a lot of demanding for one month, Hank. What happens if whites ever say, "No"?
Now, how about you? You've got a cushy job up there at Harvard, and you can hoot and holler about what swine and bandits whites are. I guess it's lots of fun, and you get a salary for it. But don't you think you might do blacks more good if you told them to complain less and study more?
For example, if you want blacks to work in Silicon Gulch, the best approach might be to find some really smart black guys, and get them to study digital design, not Black Studies. That's how everybody else does it. It works. Then blacks wouldn't feel left out, and racial tension would decline.
Sound like a plan?
Just out of curiosity, how many hours a week do professors of Afro-American Studies spend in the projects, encouraging poor black kids to study real life sho-nuf subjects?
Fred
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:34 AM:
Rated G Andrew
First Lady Laura Bush said she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs Bush replied, "Just as I always have, by marrying them and bearing their children."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:38 AM:
Rated G
"Political experts say that because President Bush has been having so much trouble with domestic issues, his advisors are telling him to focus more on international issues. As a result, today President Bush had breakfast at the International House of Pancakes."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:40 AM:
Rated G
"Just when you thought things couldn't get uglier at the White House...yesterday, Prince Charles and Camilla showed up. Prince Charles said today that he wants sit down with President Bush and negotiate a settlement where we take back Madonna."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 07:53 AM:
Rated G
LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE
"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."
-- Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans
"I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."
--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge
"I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what is best for this state." --Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson
"This amendment does more damage than it does harm."
--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans
"Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if y'all would scream one at a time."
-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego
"I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without tire tracks."
--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville
Describing how it is to run through a gauntlet of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber: "They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."
-- Sen. B.B. "Sixty" Rayburn, D-Bogalusa
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:18 PM:
Rated G
"The CIA is investigating who leaked the story that they have secret prisons in Europe. They are furious and say if they find the person who did it, they will send them to a secret prison Europe."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 06:46 AM:
Rated G
"California voters rejected all four of Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's ballot proposals, all of them, every one, including Number One: No hogging the bench press. Number two: Towel off the incline board. Number three: Put the free weights back on the rack after use, and Number Four: Let me squeeze your buttocks and don't tell nobody."
--Tina Fey on "Saturday Night Live"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
"Only in America...even though he stole 2.4 million he has agreed to pay back 1.8 million to make it right. So let that be a lesson to all you other congressmen out there. If you get caught stealing you may have to pay back a small fraction of what you took."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 06:39 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Bill Clinton was playing golf last week. When asked about his handicap, he said, "She's doing a fine job as senator."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 06:44 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Upon hearing that Saddam had come down with a nasty cold, a navy doctor from one of the carriers in the gulf sent him some twelve-hour Sudafed capsules with the following prescription:
To feel better, take one.
To make everyone else feel better, take two.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:04 AM:
Rated G
"The new head of NASA says the United States can't afford to do the next moon mission alone. He says the cost is too great for one country to bear. That's depressing, isn't it? Gas is so expensive we have to carpool to the moon now. "
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 08:48 AM:
Rated G
They tell us the Miss America pageant is a scholarship contest, not a beauty contest.
If this were true, they'd go to Mensa for contestants.
"Madeleine Albright, you passed the intelligence test to be Miss America. Now slip into this swimsuit so we can see how smart you really are."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 07:57 AM:
Rated G
"Down in Washington they lit the Christmas tree. President Bush pulled the switch and the tree lit up. Since that was successful they're thinking about trying the same thing with Dick Cheney."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 07:58 AM:
Rated G
"Today the First Lady read the Grinch to a group of school children. There was an unfortunate event when she was interrupted by Dick Cheney when he yelled, 'Go Grinch!'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 07:32 AM:
Ratyed G
"The city of Detroit is in the middle of a recount to deter- mine who won the mayor's race. Surprisingly, both candidates are claiming the other guy won."
--Conan O'Brien
"Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was hospitalized earlier this week with a rapid heartbeat...After the doctors ex- amined him, they replaced some of Arnold's obsolete computer chips and reinforced his titanium exo-skeleton. He was good as new."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 12:51 PM:
Rated G
"It's true, everybody is in the holiday spirit. Last night, Bill Clinton saw the 'Nutcracker.' Not the ballet, Hillary."
---David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 03:50 PM:
Rated G
History tells us Abraham Lincoln once walked nine miles to borrow a book, so now they close the libraries on the celebration of his birthday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 04:00 PM:
Rated G Bruce
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.
The chief made a series of weird noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."
Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"
The chief made the same noises: "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z..." Then he said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."
"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z... From the short-wave radio."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 07:16 AM:
Rated G Andrew
"A successful politician is one who can convince voters to listen to what he says and ignore what he does."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 07:55 AM:
Rated G
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff.
President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president. The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you?" The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed. "Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
History of the Telephone
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fiber network.
Irish scientists were outraged. They dug 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing. They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Following a campaign speech, a young man rushed up to Senator Everett Dirksen and said, "Senator, I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter!"
Dirksen eyed the young man for a moment, then said: "Son, if I were St. Peter, you couldn't vote for me, because you wouldn't be in my district."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 07:43 AM:
Rated G Andrew
When campaigning for the Senate in 1962, Teddy Kennedy found himself talking with a blue-collar worker who said bluntly, "I understand you've never worked a day in your life."
Kennedy braced himself for a resentful lecture, only to be taken by surprise when the man continued, "Let me tell you, you haven't missed a thing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 02:41 PM:
Rated G I Chose to post in Political Humor rather than Chain Letters as I believe more people will read it. Bob
LAUS DEO: A little history lesson you may enjoy.
I thought that you and others may like to see this.One detail that is not mentioned,in DC, is that there can never be a building of greater height than the Washington Monument .
With all the uproar about removing the ten commandments, etc... This is worth a moment or two of your time.I was not aware of this historical information.
On the aluminum cap,atop the Washington Monument in Washington,
DC ,are displayed two words:Laus Deo.No one can see these words.
In fact,most visitors to the monument are totally unaware they are even there and for that matter,probably couldn't care less.
Once you know Laus Deo's history,you will want to share this with everyone you know.But these words have been there for many years;they are 555 feet 5.125 inches high,perched top the monument,facing skyward to the Father of our nation,overlooking the 69 square miles which comprise the District of Columbia, capital of the United States of America .
Laus Deo! Two seemingly insignificant, un-noticed words.Out of sight and,one might think,out of mind,but very meaning fully placed at the highest point over what is the most powerful city in the most successful nation in the world.
So,what do those two words,in Latin,composed of just four syllables and only seven letters,possibly mean? Very simply,they
say "Praise be to God!
Though construction of this giant obelisk began in 1848, when James Polk was President of the United States,it was not until 1888 that the monument was inaugurated and opened to the public.
It took twenty five years to finally cap the memorial with a tribute to the Father of our nation, Laus Deo...........Praise be to God!"
From atop this magnificent granite and marble structure,visitors
may take in the beautiful panoramic view of the city with its division into four major segments From that vantage point,one can also easily see theoriginal plan of the designer,Pierre Charles l'Enfant...a perfect cross imposed upon the landscape, with the White House to the north.The Jefferson Memorial is to the south, the Capitol to the east and the Lincoln Memorial to the west.
A cross you ask? Why a cross? What about separation of church and state? Yes, a cross;separation of church and state was not, is not, in the Constitution.So,read on.How interesting and,no doubt,intended to carry a profound meaning for those who bother to notice.
Praise be to God! Within the monument itself are 898 steps and 50 landings.As one climbs the steps and pauses at the landings the memorial stones share a message. On the 12th Landing is a prayer offered by the City of Baltimore ; on the 20th is a memorial presented by some Chinese Christians; on the 24th a presentation made by Sunday School children from New York and Philadelphia quoting Proverbs 10:7, Luke 18:16 and Proverbs 22:6. Praise be to God!
When the cornerstone of the Washington Monument was laid on July 4th, 1848 deposited within it were many items including the Holy Bible presented by the Bible Society.Praise be to God! Such was the discipline,the moral direction,and the spiritual mood given by the founder and first President of our unique democracy .."One Nation, Under God."
I am awed by Washington 's prayer for America.Have you never read it? Well now is your unique opportunity,so read on!
"Almighty God; We make our earnest prayer that Thou wilt keep the United States in Thy holy protection; that Thou wilt incline the hearts of the citizens to cultivate a spirit of subordination and obedience to government; and entertain a brotherly affection ! and love for one another and for their fellow citizens of the United States at large. And finally that Thou wilt most graciously be pleased to dispose us all to do justice,to love mercy,and to demean ourselves with that charity,
humility,and pacific temper of mind which were the characteristics of the Divine Author of our blessed religion, and without a humble imitation of whose example in these things we can never hope to be a happy nation.Grant our supplication, we beseech Thee,through Jesus Christ our Lord.Amen."
Laus Deo!
When one stops to observe the inscriptions found in public places all over our nation's capitol, he or she will easily find the signature of God, as it is unmistakably inscribed everywhere you look.You may forget the width and height of "Laus Deo", its location, or the architects but no one who reads this will be able to forget its meaning, or ! these words: "Unless the Lord builds the house its builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain." (Psalm 127: 1)
It is hoped you will send this to every child you know; to every sister, brother, father, mother or friend. They will not find offense, because! you have given them a lesson in history that they probably never learned in school. With that, be not ashamed, or afraid, but have pity on those who will never see this because someone! failed to send it on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:30 AM:
Rated G
President and Mrs. Bush were driving through New Hampshire. As they were approaching Lake Winnipesauke, they started discussing the pronunciation of the lake's name.
They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, George asked the pretty blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle a question for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrr, King."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 07:16 AM:
Rated R
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years Madame?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,... 'appiness!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 07:37 AM:
Rated G
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF
Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can't you see these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with initials in large white letters across their backs? F. A. T. A. S. S.
I feel safer already!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:19 PM:
Rated G Andrew
When Teddy Roosevelt was Governor of New York, he used to run up the steps of the state capitol, followed by the press.
Any reporter who finished with him and still had the breath to ask a question would get an answer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 10:35 AM:
Rated PG
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a lady was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horses blond mane and a big ass. Now she's the Senator from New York.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Trying to make things work in government is sometimes like trying to sew a button on a custard pie.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 11:28 AM:
Rated XX Denny on Yonkers
Missing Bill Clinton! It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is absolutely hilarious.
On a Canadian TV show there was a black comedian who said
he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever had for a black man as President. Number 1- He played the sax. Number 2- He smoked weed. Number 3-He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know,I never had one.
American Indians nicknamed Bill Clinton "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of crap he can't fly.
Clinton lacked only three things to become one of America's finest leaders: integrity, vision, wisdom.
Clinton was doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly and Moe.
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the
truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 12:18 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter? "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:20 AM:
Rated G
"Al Gore is writing his second book on global warming. It's called, 'The Earth is Warming, My Career is Cooling.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 1, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway for sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the office of President as of January 1, 2007.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years."
Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Mr. Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Mr. Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.
Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower,Inc. to help him write a résume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but, should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there,I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit he once made to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:04 PM:
Rated G aNDREW
There are two periods when Congress does no work: one is before the holidays and the other is after.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 09:41 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Ever occur to you why some of us can be this much concerned with animals suffering?
Because government is not.
Why not?
Animals don't vote.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 01:39 PM:
Rated G
"U2 lead singer Bono met with President Bush at the White House this week.
Bono urged the President to help the world's poor.
Bush urged Bono to get back with Cher."
--Tina Fay
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 01:42 PM:
Rated G
"Republican majority leader Tom DeLay was indited and he was stripped of his congressional powers.
When asked what it feels like to lose all his powers, Delay said, 'I feel like a Democrat.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 01:49 PM:
Rated G
A new poll shows that 66% of Americans think President Bush is doing a poor job on the War in Iraq. And the remaining 34% think Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs to church."
--Tina Fey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 07:42 AM:
Rated G
The Senate has voted to block oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Opponents say it would have endangered the environment... and the polar bears kept demanding 50% of the profits.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:17 PM:
Rated G Bruce
When Osama Bin Laden was killed by the U.S. Military, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"
Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."
James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"
Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."
The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."
The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 11:58 AM:
Rated G
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself'
--Mark Twain
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 12:29 PM:
Rated G
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 12:32 PM:
Rated G
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
--G. Gordon Liddy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 09:08 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Politicians represent you well as long as your interests coincide with their large contributors'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Andrew
In war there is no second prize for the runner-up.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 09:49 AM:
Rated G
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:11 AM:
Rated G
"California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign is several hundred thousand dollars in debt. So it looks like there will be a 'Terminator 4.'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:36 AM:
Rated G B.B.
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; They had just made the scientific achievement of A lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States.
He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning Broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown.
He said, "But that's impossible . . . We could never do it. . . Yes, Mr. President," and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously.
"I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we've found intelligent life on Mars... He wants us to try to find it in Congress."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:38 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2006, 12:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:26 AM:
Rated G
Dick Cheney is an avid hunter. Each and every year he goes to South Dakota to hunt pheasant, Arkansas to hunt ducks, and Texas to hunt Lawyers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:41 AM:
Rated G Canuck
In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:49 AM:
Rated G Andrew
There's a nickel's worth of difference between Democrats and Republicans.
If you put a nickel on the table, a Democrat will steal it from you and a Republican will kill you for it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 10:07 AM:
Rated G Andrew
We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 02-16-2006, 09:41 PM:
RATED PG
Warning...humourous political content may follow:
Headlines from the year 2034
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the 7th largest
country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in Bushra; the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 115; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:33 PM:
Rated G Andrew
I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 12:55 PM:
Rated G
The US Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation.
In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged Senator Clinton,who demanded a full investigation.
After a month of testing, a special commission made the following findings:
*The stamp was in perfect order.
*There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
*People were spitting on the wrong side.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:18 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Senator: The United States has made a lot of progress over the last 120 years.
Reporter: It sure has. President Washington couldn't tell a lie and now every politician in Washington can.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2006, 03:21 PM:
Rated G
"President Bush met at the White House with Jordan's King Abdullah. Yeah, there was one awkward moment when President Bush asked King Abdullah, 'How is Queen Latifah?'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 08:05 PM:
Rated G
"In a newly released tape, Osama bin Laden says he won't be captured alive and he's not afraid of President Bush. He's terrified of Dick Cheney he's just not afraid of Bush."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 08:07 PM:
Rated G
"More problems for the White House. Convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff said he met with President Bush almost a dozen times, contradicting the White House claims that Bush didn't know him. In President Bush's defense, it was pretty dark inside Abramoff's back pocket."
--Jay Leno
"Hillary is getting a lot of attention. Republicans are saying she has too much of a temper ... too angry to be president ... if she really had that bad of a temper, wouldn't Bill be dead?"
-- David Letterman
"Hillary Clinton said today she finds the administration's refusal to level with the American people troubling, but she also finds it somewhat nostalgic."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 08:20 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Politics is the art of preventing people from taking part in affairs that properly concern them.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-01-2006, 01:16 PM:
Rated PG...
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-01-2006, 01:17 PM:
Rated PG...
A guy goes in an adult store and asks for an Inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to Do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:42 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
-- Nikita Khrushchev
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:44 AM:
Rated G
"Earlier today at the White House, President Bush met with Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. There was an awkward moment when Bush asked 'How long until the new season of The Sopranos?'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 04:38 PM:
Rated G
The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Aye from GA.
"We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights."
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people.
If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
(lastly....)
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 08:24 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Some politicians get contributions from the rich and votes from the poor on the pretense that they are protecting each from the other.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 01:40 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.
- Victor Hugo
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:12 AM:
Rated G Andrew
It's very hard today for one to sustain a family and the government on a single salary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:17 AM:
Rated G David
After dinner one evening a the president was entertaining their house guest by playing the piano. At one point he turned to the visitor, a fat conservative talk show host, and said, "I understand you love music."
"Yes," murmured the guest politely. "But never you mind. Keep right on playing ..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:20 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Margaret Thatcher and her Cabinet were meeting over lunch to discuss an important bit of impending legislation.
"And what will you have, Madam?" asked the waiter, coming over with his notepad.
"I'll have the Beef Wellington," replied the Prime Minister promptly, eager to get on with the business at hand.
"And, for the vegetables?" continued the waiter politely.
Thatcher replied briskly, "They'll have the same."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:27 AM:
Rated G Andrew
You can't fool all the people all the time, but if you can do it once every four years, you'll have a promising career ahead of you in politics.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:49 PM:
Rated PG B.B.
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?" "Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the old swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment.
Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but an mouth and a briefcase."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 08:21 PM:
Rated G
Dateline Washington DC:
In an attempt to stem the tide of bird flu, US President GW. Bush ordered the bombing of the Canary Islands.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 08:34 PM:
Rated G Bruce
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the election, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony!"
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you to a dressmaker."
"But I only eat kosher food."
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food."
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come, Mama."
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the supreme court justices and the future cabinet members. She nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:29 AM:
Rated G Andrew
He made so many mistakes at his last job that the government tried to hire him as a consultant.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:13 AM:
Rated G Bruce
"I never gave anyone hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell"
--Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:50 AM:
Rated PG Tiggy
On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope-mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic commotion just off shore.
There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard. One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious John Kerry from the water.
Then using baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you My blessings for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," Dick replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."
"Well," President Bush said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark fishing.. how's the bait holding up?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:01 PM:
Rated G
On election eve, 1948, Thomas Dewey (who, according to polls, was poised to defeat Harry Truman for the presidency) turned to his wife and asked: "How will it be to sleep with the President of the United States?"
"A high honor," she replied, "and quite frankly, darling, I'm looking forward to it."
On the following morning, news arrived of the election results: Incredibly, Truman had won! (Polls which canvased opinion by telephone, then a costly amenity, naturally suffered from adverse selection and yielded inaccurate results.)
Eventually, the Deweys sat down for breakfast:
"Tell me, Tom," Mrs. Dewey said with a smile, "am I going to Washington or is Harry coming here?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
At last. A bumper sticker for both parties.
FINALLY, someone has come out with a 100% bipartisan political bumper sticker. The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from New York state.
"RUN HILLARY RUN" Democrats put it on the rear bumper.
Republicans put it on the front bumper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:48 PM:
Rated G
Once upon a time, a Sultan was blessed with the birth of a son after years of hoping.
The boy immediately became the apple of his father's eye. Just before his son's sixth birthday, the Sultan said to him, "Son, I love you very much. Your birthday is coming soon. What would you like?" His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
His father bought him American Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my pride and joy. Ask what you want for your birthday. Whatever it is, it's yours."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
His father bought him the Princess Cruise Line.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
His father bought him Disney Studios.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the Sultan said, "Son, you are my life. Your birthday is coming soon. Ask what you wish. I will get it for you."
His son, who had grown to love Disney, replied, "Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit and a Goofy outfit"
His father bought him the Democratic Party and CBS news.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 02:32 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:38 PM:
Rated G
"Secretary of Health and Human Services Michael Leavitt is recommending that Americans keep canned tuna and powdered milk under their beds for when the bird flu hits. Well, that should silence critics who say the Administration doesn't have a plan to deal with the bird flu, huh?"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:42 PM:
Rated G
"Congress may pass a law that would result in TV networks that broadcast indecency being even more stiffly penalized. In fact, it is going to cost us 500 more bucks because I said stiffly penalized."
--Craig Ferguson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:34 AM:
Rated G
"The FBI is investigating Americans -- just for opposing the war. You know, maybe when we're done establishing a democracy in Iraq, we could try it over here. Stop, I don't want to get investigated, don't applaud!"
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:37 AM:
Rated G
"Snap! Censure! A moral condemnation of the president so severe it's only happened once before to President Andrew Jackson, who was never heard from again. Oh, wait [picture of the $20 bill]."
--Jon Stewart, on Sen. Russ Feingold's motion to censure President Bush
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:38 AM:
Rated G
"In front of a crowd in Florida this past weekend, Al Gore said that, "The people of the United States are going to stand up and take our country back." And then the manager of the karaoke bar took the microphone away and said, "Either sing or sit down buddy."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
"In Florida a 96-year-old woman is running for mayor. When asked if she knew who she was running against, she said, "Time."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:26 AM:
Rated G
"President Bush's daughter Jenna has a new boyfriend and everybody in Washington is asking who's the lucky designated driver?"
--Craig Ferguson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 01:35 PM:
Rated G Andrew
George Washington never told a lie, because in those days, presidents didn't hold press conferences.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:38 AM:
Rated G B.B.
There are four kinds of people: Those who know not, and know not that they know not. These are foolish.
Those who know not, and know they know not. These are the simple, and should be instructed.
Those who know, and know not that they know. These are asleep; wake them.
Those who know, and know they know. These are the wise; listen to them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 08:30 AM:
Rated G Andrew
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 12:48 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Patriotism is when love of your own people comes first; nationalism, when hate for people other than your own comes first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 01:15 PM:
Rated G
“Democracy, which is a charming form of government, full of variety and disorder, and dispensing a sort of equality to equals and unequals alike “
...Plato
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 07:40 AM:
Rated G Andrew
A man's country is not a certain area of land, of mountains, rivers, and woods, but it is a principle; and patriotism is loyalty to that principle.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:37 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Politicians are like ships: noisiest when lost in a fog.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 07:30 PM:
Rated G
THE NEXT G8 SUMMIT, due to be held in St. Petersburg, is causing concern in Washington. The group first met in France as the G6 in 1975 before adding Canada in 1976 -- and then Russia in 1998. Though President Bush has seen Vladimir Putin's soul, others are worried or even calling for a boycott, having belatedly noticed that the host country is neither a major economic power nor a leading democracy.
Putin On A Blitz
[ Puttin' On The Ritz ]
From the album One Bush, Two Bush, Old Bush, New Bush
At the 1994 Winter Games, back when Michelle Kwan was an alternate, injuries to American figure skaters didn't just come from training. A month before the Olympics began, Tonya Harding's husband, Jeff Gillooly, arranged an attack on teammate Nancy Kerrigan's knee. Kerrigan recovered and skated to a silver medal, while Harding finished eighth.
Breaking Knees Is Hard To Do
[ Breaking Up Is Hard To Do ]
WHEN JACK ABRAMOFF boasted about his connections to the president, he wasn't kidding. You can see them together in Time -- if you have really, really good eyes. The lobbyist said in e-mail messages that he had been invited to the ranch in Crawford and more recently to go quail hunting with Cheney. Abramoff pleaded guilty to conspiracy, mail fraud and tax evasion, and he's expected to help investigators follow the trail to Congress.
The House That Jack Bribed
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2006, 10:48 AM:
Rated G
Can you believe it?
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2006, 09:37 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Presidents Coolidge and Taft were both big nap-takers. Coolidge was Warren Harding's vice president when Harding died suddenly on August 3,1923.
Coolidge was then sworn in as president by his father, the justice of the peace in Plymouth, Vermont.
As president, Coolidge got plenty of sleep, sometimes as much as eleven hours a day. Taft, on the other hand, often embarrassed those around him by slumbering off. He fell asleep at cabinet meetings, White House dinners, church sermons, and funerals. Once he even dozed off in an open car during a campaign tour in New York City.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-14-2006, 08:47 AM:
Rated G
On a Saturday afternoon,in Washington, D. C.,Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next day's sermon,and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.
The Cardinal replied,"No,I don't really like the man, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."
Kerry's manager then said,"Look, I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the congregation you see Kerry as a saint"
The Cardinal thought about it and said,"Well, the church can use the money,so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."
As Kerry's manager promised,Senator Kerry appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And,during the sermon,as promised,the Cardinal pointed out that Senator Kerry was present.
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation,"While Senator Kerry's presence is probably an honor to some,he is not my favorite person.Some of his views are contrary to those of the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other views.John Kerry is a petty,self absorbed hypocrite and a nit-wit.John Kerry is a liar,a cheat,and a thief.John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic I've ever personally witnessed.He turned on hisbuddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal.He married for money and is using it to lie to the American people. He also has a reputation for shirking his senatorial obligations both here,in Washington and in Massachusetts.He simply isn't to be trusted."
The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with,"But,when compared to Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator Kerry is a saint."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-13-2006, 04:27 PM:
Rated G
Click Below:
http://www.michaelhodges.com/missing.html
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 10-14-2006, 10:07 AM:
Why doesn't Congressman Foley need to use a bookmark?
Because he bends over the pages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2006, 05:58 PM:
Rated R
Guess who's 31 this week ?
This week we celebrate a special birthday.
Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this week.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.
They grow up so fast!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2006, 12:49 PM:
Rated G Andrew
We put the petty thieves in prison and appoint the great ones to public office.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated G Drew
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2006, 09:50 AM:
Rated G
A reporter was interviewing British prime minister Winston Churchill.
"What do you think sir," he inquired, "of the prediction that in the year two thousand women will be ruling the world?"
The prime minister smiled his cherublike smile and said, "They still will, eh?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!"- Golda Meir
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2006, 04:13 PM:
Rated R
Click Below:
http://i.euniverse.com/funpages/cms_content/13180/HillaryCondi_HoDown.swf
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2006, 04:54 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
So the voter says to the politician, "I wouldn't vote for you if you were St. Peter himself."
"If I were St. Peter himself, you wouldn't be in my district."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2006, 04:22 PM:
Rated XXX Ed in Aurora, Ont.
OSAMA & THE GENIE
While trying to escape through Pakistan,Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle on a beach and picked it up.
Suddenly,a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.
The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,and Hillary Clinton.
His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good! Amen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:23 PM:
Rated G
President Bush was at a biodiesel plant in Richmond, Virginia this week where he spoke out in favor of alternative fuels. Bush said he's all for alternative fuels as long as they don't try to get married.
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 04:35 PM:
Rated G
"Washington, D.C. is going to be smoke free. You won't be able to smoke anywhere in D.C. The one exception is federal buildings. You know how this happened? Force of habit. All part of, 'Do as we say, not as we do.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 08:44 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else
And if you don 't like my point of view, tough...
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2006, 10:38 AM:
Rated G
The latest telephone poll of randomly selected residents taken by the Governors of Texas, Arizona, New Mexico and California yielded results on whether or not people who live in these states think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
41% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
59% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2006, 06:13 AM:
Rated G Found this on the Web - Bob
How to tell a Democrat from a Republican
during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson
And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays:
Republican say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do a lot of their shopping at Costco and WalMart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.
Democrats give their children gifts that make a political statement. Republicans give their children gifts that will keep them out of their hair.
Republican parents have no problem buying their kids toy guns. Democrats refuse to do so. That is why their kids pretend to shoot each other with dolls.
Republicans spend hundreds of dollars and hour of work decorating the yard with outdoor lights and Christmas displays. Democrats save their time and money and drive around at night to enjoy the scenery.
Democrats favorite Christmas movie is "Miracle on 34th Street." Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "It's a Wonderful Life." Right-Wing Republicans favorite Christmas movie is "Diehard".
Republican always take the price tag off any expensive gifts they buy before wrapping. Democrats also remove price tags off pricey gifts.... and reposition them them to make sure they are seen.
Republicans wear wide red ties and green sport jackets during the festive season. Democrats do too, all year round.
Most Republicans try, at least once, enclosing indulgent, wretchedly maudlin form letters about their families in their Christmas Cards. Public ridicule from Democrats usually discourages them from doing it again.
Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Deck the Halls". Young Democrats favorite Christmas song is "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer." Republicans favorite Christmas song is " White Christmas." Young Republicans favorite Christmas song is "White Christmas".
Cheapskate Republican buy an artificial Christmas tree. Tightfisted Democrats buy a real tree, but they wait until the week before Christmas when the lots lower their prices. Democratic men like to watch football while their wives, girlfriends or mothers fix holiday meals. On this, Republicans are in full agreement.
Republicans see nothing wrong with letting their children play "Cowboys and Indians". Democrats don't either, as long as the Indians get to win.
Republicans first began thinking like Republicans when they stopped believing in Santa Claus... Democrats became Democrats because they never stopped believing in Santa Claus...
Posted by Sam Garlopis (Member # 4120) on 01-03-2007, 03:30 AM:
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:31 AM:
Rated G B.B.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:40 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Ask five economists a question and, it is said, you will receive six different answers. Unsurprisingly, Harry Truman, like every president, often had difficulty extracting useful information from his economic advisors. "All my economists say, 'on the one hand... and on the other hand...'" Truman once cried. "Someone give me a one-handed economist!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2007, 08:10 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Click below:
http://www.greetingcards.com/pickup?ID=A222-A256-JK3H-YCR
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:21 PM:
Rated G The Joker
Senator Hillary Clinton called for President Bush to begin pulling troops out of Iraq this year. And let me tell you something, when it comes to telling a president when to pull out, no one has more experience than Hillary Clinton.
Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 03:09 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in."
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2007, 08:40 AM:
Rated G Sandy in San Diego
Help Understanding Democrat Tax Refunds
If you don't understand the Democrats' version of tax refunds, maybe this will help explain it:
50,000 people go to a baseball game, but the game was rained out.A refund was then due.
The team was about to mail refunds when a group of Congressional Democrats stopped them and suggested that they send out the ticket refunds based on the Democrat National Committee's interpretation of fairness.
Originally the refunds were to be paid based on the price each person had paid for the tickets. Unfortunately that meant most of the refund money would be going to the ticket holders that
had purchased the most expensive tickets. This,according to the DNC, is considered totally unfair. A decision was then made to pay out the refunds in this manner:
People in the $10 seats will get back $15. After all, they have less money to spend on tickets to begin with. Call it an "Earned Income Ticket Credit." Persons "earn" it by having few skills, poor work habits, and low ambition, thus keeping them at entry-level wages.
People in the $25 seats will get back $25, because it "seems fair." People in the $50 seats will get back $1, because they already make a lot of money and don't need a refund. After all, if they can afford a $50 ticket, they must not be paying enough taxes.
People in the $75 luxury box seats will each have to pay an additional $25 because it's the "right thing to do."
People walking past the stadium that couldn't afford to buy a ticket for the game each will get a $10 refund, even though they didn't pay anything for the tickets.
They need the most help. Now do you understand?
If not, contact Representative Nancy Pelosi, Senator Ted Kennedy, Senator John Kerry or Senator Hillary Clinton for assistance.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2007, 07:47 AM:
Rated G Andrew
A politician is a person who shakes your hand before election and your confidence after.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2007, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
"Famous designer Donatella Versace has recommended that Hillary Clinton stop wearing those pant suits and start wearing dresses and skirts. Versace said Hillary should treat femininity as an opportunity. You know, the way Bill does."
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 03:45 PM:
Rated G Drew
Saudi Arabia is cracking down on terrorism. They've made a list of all know terrorists, which is basically their phonebook.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2007, 09:25 AM:
Rated G
"In the latest count, there are now 25 politicians running for president -- and 15 of them also claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby."
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"We have another presidential candidate. Mitt Romney is running on the Republican ticket. If you're anything like me, you don't know Mitt Romney from Roma Downey. ... I really like his campaign slogan. Have you seen it? 'Mitt Happens'"
- Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2007, 12:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Harry Truman was once asked by a young student how he might get started in politics.
"You've already started," Truman replied. "You're spending somebody else's money, aren't you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2007, 01:17 PM:
Rated X
I Miss Bill Clinton
It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
From a show on Canadian TV, there was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.
Number 1 - He played the sax.
Number 2 - He smoked weed.
Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America 's shelves this week with " Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes."
... ya gotta love it
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2007, 11:18 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"It is officially spring. Al Gore blamed the end of winter on global warming."
-Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2007, 03:15 PM:
Rated G Marty
When Harry Truman was vacating the White House, he sank exhausted into a chair and stared glumly at the huge piles of crates. "If I'd known how much packing I'd have to do, I'd have run for another term!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-23-2007, 10:01 AM:
RATED G...
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the most disgusting person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking utterly confused and
Said, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2007, 01:35 PM:
Rated PG
Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire .The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr. President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George Bush, always trying to be "Presidential,"replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2007, 03:58 PM:
Rated G
President Eisenhower told this joke:
Three men asked a fourth to join them for a game of golf.
He declined, saying he had to go home to his wife. "Are you a man or a mouse?" asked one of the group.
"I'm a man," said the reluctant one. "My wife is afraid of mice."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-13-2007, 09:12 AM:
Rated G Phil in Ca.
I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed.
Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food. But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere.
Then some of the birds turned mean: They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket. And others birds were boisterous and loud.
They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while,I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.
I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.
I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be...... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.
Now lets see....... our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the hundreds of thousands.
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English; Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to press "one" to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "Old Glory" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2007, 02:08 PM:
Rated PG Phil in LA
Rated PG Phil in LA
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago.
Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,"What happened, what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton,Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.We are going from carto car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:40 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
After a long ride to Baltimore, when he was John Adams's vice president, Thomas Jefferson entered a hotel where a room had been reserved for him. The hotel owner, whose name was Boydon, had never met Jefferson. He looked over the dust-covered newcomer carefully. Convinced the man was just a farmer, Boydon said, "We have no room for you, sir."
Jefferson again asked for a room and was again told no by Boydon.
The vice president left and went a couple of blocks to another hotel.
Upon hearing that he had just turned away the vice president of the United States, Boydon sent a man after Jefferson to deeply apologize and bring him back.
But Jefferson told the messenger, "Tell him I have engaged a room. Tell Mr. Boydon that I value his good intentions highly, but if he has no room for a dirty farmer, he has none for the vice president.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:47 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When President Lyndon B. Johnson died in 1973, there were no living former Presidents.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:31 AM:
Rated G
This is a great definition:
The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's contemporary term is: Political Correctness.
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2007, 01:55 PM:
Rated PG Ross
Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Clean Water; Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 08:56 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a politician?
A pick pocket steals first, and then runs, while a politician runs first, and then steals.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Andrew
There are no true friends in politics. We are all sharks circling, and waiting, for traces of blood to appear in the water.
~Alan Clark
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:45 PM:
Rated G Ibp
Abraham Lincoln vs. John F Kennedy
1. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
2. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
3. The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
4. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head.
5. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
6. Both were assassinated by Southerners.
7. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
8. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
9. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
10. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:56 PM:
Rated G
Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, 'George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner.'
'What did it say on the banners?' Bush asks.
Mahmud replies, 'United States of Iran.'
Bush says,'You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called, because believe it or not, last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran and it was more beautiful than ever, and on each house flew an enormous banner.'
'What did it say on the banners?' Mahmud asks.
Bush replies, 'I don't know. I can't read Hebrew.'
[ 01-15-2008, 02:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:47 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:51 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Some folks feel the government owes them a living.
The rest of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
[ 01-31-2008, 06:29 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2008, 06:37 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On a bookstore display shelf, a girl spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him," she said.
Surprised she recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was president of the United States."
"I know he was important," she agreed.
"How did you know that?" I asked.
"Because," she replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2008, 10:16 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
An American Nightmare
Dear Friends,
Last night I had the strangest dream. It was so real, so life-like and so vivid I woke up in a cold sweat. Let me describe it to you briefly...**
1. Hillary wins the Democratic Party nomination for President of the United States**
2. Naturally, she wants to choose as her running mate someone with a lot of knowledge and experience in government and foreign affairs, someone who is a seasoned campaig ner who could bring a lotof strength to the ticket. Who better than Bill, her husband?!!!**
3. Hill and Bill go on to win the election in November and the Democrats maintain control of the House and the Senate.**
4. Hillary is sworn in as President on January 20, 2009. The next day, after all the inauguration parties are over, she calls a press conference to make an announcement: she is resigning as President!!! Bill, as the Vice President, immediately becomes President!!! This is all perfectly legal under the 22nd Amendment to the Constitution, for it states that "no person may be elected as president more than twice". Bill is not being elected for a third term but is merely serving out the remainder of Hillary's term---all 4 years of it.**
5. But wait! There's more! The following day Bill calls a press conference to make an announcement. He has chosen someone to fill the now-vacant office of Vice President. Guess who he picks? Why, Hillary, of course!!! And she would still be able to run forpresident again!!! Please forward this e-mail to all of your Republican friends and to as many others as you wish to causesleepless nights...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2008, 02:19 PM:
Rated G lbp
* Mary Todd dated both Lincoln and his political rival Stephen Douglas
* She accepted a proposal from Abe, who broke the engagement just before the wedding
* He re-proposed and they were married in 1842
* To put it mildly, Mary Todd was an emotional wreck
* Severe migraines kept her bedridden for weeks at a time, and she often threw tirades in public while accusing her husband of infidelity
* She was physically abusive as witnessed by attorney Lincoln often appearing in court with bruises, blackened eyes, and on one occasion, a broken nose
* She expressed open destain toward members of the press who cited her extravagant spending during the height of the Civil War as both outrageous and disrespectful
* She purchased new china for $12,000, and redecorated the Mansion while overshooting her allocated budget by $20,000
* It was not unusual for merchants to petition Congress, or demand payment from the president, for Mrs. Lincoln's credits
* After the death of their son Willie in 1862, Mary Todd staged six White House seances in an attempt to communicate with him
* The president attended only one of the meetings stating he just wanted to find out who was wasting his wife's money
* Following her role as First Lady she was declared insane and institutionalized for a year.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 02:50 PM:
Rated G the little woman
The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 03:10 PM:
Rated R Lorraine
American observers in World War II monitoring Benito Mussolini's radio addresses were puzzled by the fact that he consistently referred to FDR simply as "Delano."
The mystery was soon cleared up by Italian speakers, who gracisouly explained that "Del Ano" is Italian for "of the anus."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2008, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Andrew
I'm sick and tired of people who say that if you debate and disagree with this administration, somehow you're not patriotic. We need to stand up and say we're Americans, and we have the right to debate and disagree with any administration.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2008, 10:52 AM:
Rated G Charles
At a university job fair, I bumped into one of my school's guidance counsellors. "I can't seem to find a career that intrigues me," I said.
"What are your interests?" he asked.
"I like to take things apart," I said, "but I hate putting them back together."
"Son, replied the advisor, "you ought to consider politics."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 02:59 PM:
Rated G the little woman
I'm sure you know the advantage of having a woman as president. No wars, but every 28 days we have REALLY intense negotiation.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2008, 01:40 PM:
Rated G Gerry
President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq, and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, "I know you're there, pick up, pick up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:01 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Among the people rumored to be a possibility for John McCain's vice-presidential running mate is 51-year-old Florida Governor Charlie Crist and surprisingly not his brother, Jesus Crist" --
Seth Meyers
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2008, 05:41 PM:
Rated G Charles
At Gettyburg, Edward Everett spoke for close to two hours, while Lincoln took up only a couple of minutes.
Afterward, Everett took Lincoln's hand and said: "My speech will soon be forgotten; yours never will be. How gladly would I exchange my hundred pages for your twenty lines."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 05:10 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One afternoon in 1911, Woodrow Wilson, then serving as New Jersey's governor, received news of the unexpected death of a New Jersey senator (and close personal friend). While still recovering from the shock, he received a call from another prominent state politician.
"Governor," the man declared, "I would like to take the senator's place." "It's perfectly agreeable to me," Wilson replied, "if it's agreeable to the undertaker."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 05:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day while campaigning against Dwight Eisenhower during the 1952 presidential election, Adlai Stevenson was approached by a female admirer.
"Governor," she enthused, "every thinking person will be voting for you."
"Madam, that is not enough," Stevenson replied. "I need a majority!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 05:13 PM:
Rated G Charles
One day a friend called on Coolidge, they went to a room where the President flipped on a light.
The friend found himself confronted by a painting of the President which was so bad he couldn't think of anything to say.
Then Coolidge said, "That's what I think, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 06:01 PM:
Rated G Phil in hollywood
Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the "B" word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up. I've tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds.
He quit his job a few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He hasn't even looked for another job. We haven't slept together since I confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into the White House as much as you do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:33 PM:
Rated G lbp
"An aide to the prime minister of Canada called President Bush a moron.
Well that's not fair. Here's a guy who never worked a day in his life, got rich off his Dad's money, lost the popular vote and ended up president.
That's not a moron, that's genius!"
Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:36 PM:
Rated G Andrew
To dance the "political shuffle," take one step forward, two steps backward, and then sidestep.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:03 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Isn't it funny how the word "politics" is made up of the words "Poli," meaning "many" in Greek, and "tics," as in "blooksucking creatures"?
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 04-11-2008, 03:24 PM:
Dunno whether this counts as politics or sex, but anyhow, here we go.
What's the difference between Max Mosley and Robert Mugabe?
Mosley has admitted that he's been beaten.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 07:58 PM:
Rated G
The History Lesson You Missed
When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grande Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness'!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 08:01 PM:
Rated G
Top Ten Times in History...when using the "F" word was appropriate...
10) "What the *&%# was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima
9) "Where did all these *&%#ing Indians come from?" - Custer
8) "Any *&%#ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein
7) "It does SO *&%#ing look like her!" - Picasso
6) "How the *&%# did you work that out?" - Pythagoras
5) "You want WHAT on the *&%#ing ceiling?" - Michaelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna *&%#ing rain." - Joan of Arc
3) "Scattered *&%#ing showers...my ass!" - Noah
2) "I need this parade like I need a *&%#ing hole in my head!" - JFK
1) "Aw, c'mon, who the *&%# is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 07:00 AM:
Rated G
Hillary's First Night as President
Hillary Clinton was sworn in today as President. She has disposed Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House. She has waited several years for this.
FIRST NIGHT
Suddenly the ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'
Washington says, 'Never tell a lie.'
'Ouch!' Says Hillary, 'I don't know about that.'
SECOND NIGHT
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears. Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'
Jefferson says, 'Listen to the people.'
'Ohhh! I really, really don't want to do that.'
THIRD NIGHT
On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears. Hillary says, 'How can I best serve my country?'
Lincoln says, 'Go to the theater.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 07:42 AM:
Rated G The Jokester
The Kyoto Accord
The Kyoto Accord went into effect this week, forcing 35 nations and the European Union to cut emissions in an effort to combat global warming.
The U.S., the world’s biggest polluter, was not a participant. President Bush refused to sign it. I really don't think he understands the thing.
For instance, when they asked him in Europe today if he cared to comment about the Kyoto Accord, President Bush said he much prefers the Camry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 03:10 PM:
Rated G lbp
John McCain does not use Secret Service protection. He hasn’t been using it.
He has his own people. In fact, do you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time?
Pallbearers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 03:48 PM:
Rated G lbp
I'm not some Tammy Wynette standing by my man... Hillary Clinton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 04:25 PM:
Rated X
What is politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 06:56 AM:
Rated G Julia
My Position
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it."
"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 07:02 AM:
Rated G Julia
Quiz
A - Bill Clinton
B - Warren G. Harding
C - Andrew Jackson
D - Thomas Jefferson
E - Lyndon B. Johnson
F - John F. Kennedy
G - Franklin D. Roosevelt
H - George Washington
1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?
2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?
3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?
4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?
5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?
6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?
7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?
8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?
9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?
10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?
11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?
12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?
Scroll down for answers ...
ANSWERS
1. F
2. A
3. E
4. D
5. A
6. C
7. H, E
8. G, F
9. B
10. F
11. E
12. E
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 07:19 PM:
Rated G the little woman
Too many people expect wonders from democracy when the most wonderful thing of all is just having it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2008, 09:42 PM:
Rated G lbp
Barack Obama today got the endorsement of Bruce Springsteen.
Not to be outdone, John McCain got the endorsement from one of his musical contemporaries, Beethoven.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2008, 09:44 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Woman: Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawn mower.
Doctor: That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner.
Woman: Because the neighbor just returned him this morning.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2008, 08:39 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued in the same direction things were going, they would someday end up destroying the world. So they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with a dogfight.
The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from each litter, killed all the other puppies and fed the lone dog all of the milk. They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine, until, after the five years were up, they had a dog that needed iron prison bars on his cage. Only the trainers could handle this beast.
When the day of the big fight arrived, the Israelis showed up with a strange animal: It was a nine-foot-long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Israelis. No one else thought this weird animal stood a chance against the growling beast in the Arab camp. The bookies predicted the Arabs would win in less than a minute.
The cages were opened. The Dachshund waddled toward the center of the ring. The Arab dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant wiener-dog. As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast in one bite. There was nothing left but a small bit of fur from the killer dog's tail.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, shaking their heads in disbelief. "We do not understand. Our top scientists and breeders worked for five years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans and Rottweilers. They developed a killing machine."
"Really?" the Israelis replied. "We had our top plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2008, 09:08 AM:
Rated R Jokester
Monica Another Year Older?
This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 05-06-2008, 01:56 AM:
An Israeli, a German, a Russian and a British doctor were all attending a medical conference at a luxurious beach resort. Over drinks, the Israeli started to boast of the achievements of his country's healthcare system. 'In Israel', he said, 'we can transplant a kidney from one man to another, and he recovers so quickly that he's looking for work again within six weeks.'
'Russian medical science has come on in leaps and bounds recently', countered his colleague. In Moscow, we can perform a heart transplant on a man, and he's looking for work within four weeks.' 'Ah, but in Germany, we can do a heart, lung and liver transplant, and the patient has recovered enough to look for work in only a fortnight!', replied the third doctor.
'Sorry chaps, but you can't beat the good old National Health Service', the Brit responded, smugly taking a sip from his G & T. 'You see, we can transplant an arsehole from Scotland to London, and within twenty-four hours the whole country is looking for work.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-21-2008, 08:06 PM:
Rated G...
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whisky.
4. A Playboy magazine.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing
womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 10:00 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"John McCain is actively campaigning across the country. He's looking for donors, mostly organ donors."
~Craig Fergsuon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2008, 07:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Ronald Reagan’s most powerful tool was his self-deprecating humor.
When his advanced age was used against him by Senator Mondale during the 1984 campaign, intentionally misunderstanding he quipped, "I will not make age an issue of this campaign.
I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2008, 04:24 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.
He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.
During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electric power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed
3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.'
He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.
'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.
'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.'
The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.'
'Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France !'
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. 'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any damn Frenchmen to show it to.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2008, 07:57 PM:
Rated PG
While walking down the street one day, a United States senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend a day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules," and with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse, and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that before the senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven," he says. So, twenty-four hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the twenty-four hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends dress in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
"What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.....today you voted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2008, 10:01 AM:
Rated G Stock Market
How light-hearted do you really feel about this today?
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers were unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2008, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Charles
When President Calvin Coolidge declined to seek reelection, a reporter asked him why he wouldn't run again.
"Because there's no chance for advancement," the president said.
[ 11-02-2008, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 06:37 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Yesterday in Washington, the secret service arrested a man who climbed over the White House fence.
The secret service told the man -- Get back here Mr. President, you have two more months.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 06:41 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Messages Left On Sarah Palin's Answering Machine
"Hi, it's John McCain; I had to go to bed. How'd it go?"
"Hi, Katie Couric here. Have you thought of a Supreme Court case yet?"
"Hi, it's Bill Clinton. Let me know when Todd's out of town"
"My name is Joseph Sixpack — knock it off"
"Hi, Katie Couric again — think of any newspapers yet?"
"Buy the Late Show Fun Facts book. It's a bridge to hilarity"
"John McCain again; could you pick up my prescriptions?"
"Senator Larry Craig here — do you have Joe Biden's phone number?"
"McCain again; do you remember where I parked the Straight Talk Express?"
"It's President Bush. If you're at the debate, who's watchin' Russia?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 10:41 AM:
Rated G IZ MAN
What do you get if you cross Sarah Palin with the weather?
A natural disaster!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2008, 03:50 PM:
Rated G Marty
During the Civil War, General Ulysses S. Grant wasn't impressed by a fellow officer, even though it was pointed out that the other man had served in ten campaigns.
So has that mule over there, Grant countered, but he's still a jackass, isn't he?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2008, 03:58 PM:
Rated G the little woman
One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money fro m you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.
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