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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2002, 08:06 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2002, 08:08 PM:
Rated R
Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary said to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."
Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asked, "Well,... how do you deal with the problem?"
"Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slipped into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and she was ready for him!
She tensed up her butt cheeks and forced out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.
Bill rolled over and asked, "Janet, is that you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2003, 07:59 AM:
Rated G
Catherine Zeta-Jones was overheard talking on her cell phone:
"Yes, Michael, I'll be home shortly. The diapers are in the bathroom cabinet,and the baby's diapers are in the nursery."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 11:55 AM:
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show
12. Too Gross for Comfort
11. Touched by a Wacko
10. The Pedo-Files
9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical Procedures
8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
7. Father's Nose Mess
6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You?
5. Trading Races
4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest Millionaire?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for
a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show...
1. The Newlywhite Game
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
Groucho Marx was married to a non-Jew.
When their son was refused admittance to a "restricted" country club,Groucho sent the club a telegram.
"Since my littleson is only half-Jewish, would it be all right if he goes into the pool only up to his waist?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 01:00 PM:
G Baby Blues
Jennifer Lopez decides one day that she is sick and tired of how she's perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her fiance of the day that she really is smart. While her fiance is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after he leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.
Her fiance arrives home that evening and smells the distinctive
smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds Jennifer
lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is
wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.He asks what she is doing. She replies that she
wanted to prove to him that she's not dumb, and she wanted to do
it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski
jacket over her fur coat. She replies that sh was reading the
directions on the paint can and they said....
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I like this one ...
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2003, 03:49 PM:
Rated R
A confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The women notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 10:50 AM:
Rated G
In 1990 a woman entered a Haagen-Dazs in the Kansas City Plaza for an ice-cream cone.
While she was ordering,another customer entered the store.She placed her order,turned and found herself face to face with Paul Newman.
He was in town filming a movie.His blue eyes made her knees buckle.She finished paying and quickly walked out of the store, her heart still pounding.
Gaining her composure she suddenly realized she didn't have her
cone;she turned to go back in.
At the door she again came face-to-face with Paul Newman who was
coming out.
He said to her,"Are you looking for your ice-cream cone?"
Unable to utter a word she nodded yes.
"You put it in your purse with your change."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 07:02 AM:
Rated PG
What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
The other is used to carry groceries.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 07:28 AM:
Rated G
The old Cross-Wits show was a crossword puzzle.The host gives one of the two teams a clue,and they have to guess the answer and fill in the crossword.
Alice Ghostley from Bewitched and Designing Women was the celebrity. The clue was "A famous woodpecker."
Alice responded for the team "Pinocchio." ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2003, 07:23 AM:
Rated R
The Top 12 Names for a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show
12. Too Gross for Comfort
11. Touched by a Wacko
10. The Pedo-Files
9. Dinner and a Movie and a Couple of Minor Surgical
Procedures
8. Survivor: Balcony in Berlin
7. Father's Nose Mess
6. Child Protective Services, Where Are You?
5. Trading Races
4. Telemundo presenta "Loco Loco Loco!"
3. Kids Can Be Made to Do the Darndest Things
2. Who Wants to Bear Children for America's Creepiest
Millionaire?
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Name for
a Michael Jackson Reality-TV Show...
1. The Newlywhite Game
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2003, 01:00 PM:
Rated G Sonota
Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote when asked to share her "beauty tips."
It was read at her funeral years later.
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember,if you ever need a helping hand,you will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands;one for helping yourself,and the other for helping others.
Posted by Rob Maar (Member # 1612) on 03-01-2003, 08:49 PM:
Rated PG
Did you hear about Michael Jacksons desperate rush to get to the nearest J.C. Penney store?
He heard that all boys pants would be half off for the next hour.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 11:05 AM:
Rated G
In an interview, Cher claimed that at one point in her life, she was celibate for six straight years. And then she turned seven.
-- Craig Kilborn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2003, 07:58 PM:
Rated G
The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse.
She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit or ICU of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,
Picabo, ICU.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2003, 03:25 PM:
Rated G
Researchers reported that they developed a "self-healing"
plastic that repairs itself if cracked.The plastic will change
the way airplanes are built and medicine is praticed.
In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2003, 09:50 AM:
Rated X These Celebrities are real "Dickheads".
Click here: http://www.youfunny.com/images/fp-173a.jpg
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2003, 06:44 AM:
Rated G
Not many people realize that as a youngster,Marlon Brando'sgoal in life was to become a security guard at the local prison.
After getting out of school,the first thing he did was go to the
prison and ask for an application,but he was told they weren't
hiring.Disappointed,he signed up for a stint in the Army,but not one week later did he find a want ad in the newspaper saying
"LOCAL PRISON NEEDS GUARDS."
Unable to break his Army commitment he uttered the now-famous line: coulda beena con tender!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2003, 10:48 AM:
Rated G
Today's Episcopalian.....
Comedian Robin Williams, who is an Episcopalian, gave these top ten reasons for being an Episcopalian on a recent HBO special:
10. No snake handling.
09. You can believe in dinosaurs.
08. Male and female,God created them; male and female,we ordain them.
07. You don't have to check your brains at the door.
06. Pew aerobics.
05. Church year is color coded!
04. Free wine on Sunday.
03. All of the pageantry, none of the guilt.
02. You don't have to know how to swim to get baptized.
And the number one reason for being an Episcopalian:
01. No matter what you believe, there's bound to be at least one
other Episcopalian who agrees with you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2003, 04:40 PM:
Rated G
Singer Bob Dylan was stopped at his own show by security guards who failed to recognize the singer.
Asked to comment, Dylan replied,"I can hardly blame them.Look at me."
-- Craig Kilborn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 07:34 AM:
Rated PG Michele
When Zsa Zsa Gabor appeared on The Late Show, she brought her largepurebred cat on, an angora,I believe.The entire interview, whenever Johnny tried to change the subject,she kept going back to discussing the cat.Johnny was getting just a bit frustrated.Finally,Zsa Zsa gave him his opening. She asked him, "Would you like to pet my pussy?"
To which he,of course, replied, "Sure, just get that stupid cat out of the way."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 12:47 PM:
Rated X People say the Darnest Things
"Things you'll never hear a woman say:'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
--Patricia Arquette
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:43 PM:
Rated PG
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:52 PM:
Rated G
"They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder,they examined everything inside of me.
Know what they deceided?
I need glasses.
--Joe E. Lewis
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:54 PM:
Rated G
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
--Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:55 PM:
Rated G
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 02:57 PM:
Rated G
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 03:00 PM:
Rated G
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart., Aging cover band singer
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 03:01 PM:
Rated G
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 03:03 PM:
Rated G
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2003, 03:04 PM:
Rated G
"In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?"
--Hugh Grant
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 07:47 AM:
Rated R
A Famous Frank...
According to Frank Sinatra's assistant,he was SO large he needed
custom-made underpants in order to hide it from view.T
he Sun came up with the Top-10 Frank Sinatra songs in his manhood's honor:
10 Frank swingers
1. Come Flies With Me
2. I've Got Huge Under My Skin
3. Something Stupendous
4. Strained 'er In The Night
5. That Old Whack Magic
6. My Kind of Gown (sheer cargo is)
7. Three Loins In A Fountain
8. Size And Dolls
9. New Pork, New Pork
10. One Foot For My Baby
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 07:27 AM:
Rated G
When Arnold Schwarzenegger was a child, he made his acting debut in his elementary school production "Music Makers". One day the teacher went around the room asking the students to chose a famous composer to portray in the school play. So all the kids are choosing. The first child choose Mozart, the next wanted to be Beethoven.
When the teacher ask little Arnold what his choice was, he said, I'll be Bach."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby said he was working with Ray Charles once and went up to Ray's room to drop off a check. It's pitch black. Cosby says "Ray, where are you?"
Charles holler's back, I'm here in the bathroom, shaving."
So Cosby said. "Ray, why are you shaving...in...the...dark..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2003, 08:19 AM:
Rated G Celebrity Trivia
After Psycho was released, Hitchcock received an angry letter from the father of a girl who refused to take a bath after seeing Les Diaboliques.
Now she was refusing to take a shower after seeing Psycho.
Hitchcock sent him a note back simply saying, " Send her to the dry cleaners."
[ 06-10-2003, 06:02 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2003, 08:42 AM:
Rated G
Michael Douglas says that he has retraced his family roots and has found that his great-great-grandfather was a pirate.
Catherine Zeta-Jones has retraced her roots and she found that her great-Great-grandfather is Michael Douglas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 09:35 AM:
Rated G
Diana Ross has signed a deal to write her autobiography called "Upside Down:Wrong Turns,Right Turns and the Road Ahead". Coincidentally,that's also what the police have titled her DUI video.
--Jim Barach WTVH Syracuse, NY
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2003, 04:47 PM:
Rated G Anon.
INTERVIEWER:
Are you attending the Cannes film festival this year?
SINGER CHRISTINA AGUILERA:
I hope so. Where is it being held this year?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 05:57 AM:
Rated G
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:01 AM:
Rated G
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, (During an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-10-2003, 06:26 AM:
Rated G
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land,and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2003, 08:02 AM:
Rated G The Wisdom of Will Rogers..........
1. Don't squat with your spurs on.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neother one works.
4. Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier'n than puttin' it back in.
5. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
6. Always drink upstream from the herd.
7. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
8. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
9. Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco
10. The are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
11. Good judgement come from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
12. If your riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him....The moral: When your full of bull, keep keep your mouth shut.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Actress Kathy Bates
"My mother was often heard to say that when I was born the doctor smacked me on my behind. I thought it was applause and I have been looking for it ever since."
Inside the Actor's Studio
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2003, 11:56 AM:
Rated G
"Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better."
~~ Robert Redford
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-02-2003, 11:45 AM:
Rated PG
The $10,000 Pyramid is a game show in which celebrities give clues to contestants in order to guess certain things.One topic
was "Things put in the mouth,but not eaten." The item was a
harmonica.
When celebrity,actress,June Lockhart blooped: "It's about four to five inches long and you blow it. . . oh my God! err . . . it plays music!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 07:40 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Being in show business has its drawbacks.The other day I was
at one of my favorite eateries and I got interrupted midbite by
someone asking me, "Are you...?"
I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?"
He said, "Do what later? I just wanted to know if you were finished with the ketchup."
[ 01-06-2008, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2003, 08:34 AM:
Rated PG Janine
Actor William Shatner (jumping up and down by his broken-down
car trying to flag a passing motorist):Hi,it's me Captain Kirk!
Motorist (sticking up her middle finger):Yeah? Well, beam this up!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2003, 08:58 AM:
Rated G Janine
Actress: Mr. Hitchcock, what do you think is my best side?
Director Alfred Hitchcock: My dear, you're sitting on it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2003, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
Barbra Streisand is reportedly furious that CBS has cancelled its Reagan miniseries starring her husband James Brolin. Not only that,James Brolin is furious because he is married to Barbra Streisand
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Blake Zaugg (Member # 1455) on 11-21-2003, 01:02 AM:
In light of recent events, I thought some Michael Jackson jokes might be in order.
Rated PG-13 to R: But They were all on the radio yesterday
How do you know when it’s midnight at Michael Jacksons house?
A: When the big hand touches the small hand
What does McDonalds and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: 30 year old meat in between 10 year old buns
What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A: One is white and dangerous to children, the other one is a plastic bag
Why did Michael Jackson go to jail?
A: He whipped out his Thriller showed it to BillyJean and started to Beat it.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and ACNE?
A: At least with ACNE you don't get cream on your face until you're 13.
Yes, these were all on the radio.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2003, 08:42 AM:
Rated R Michele
Michael Jackson sat down with his lawyer.
The lawyer says, "I have good news and bad news"
Michael asks for the bad news.
The lawyer says, "They have a real strong case for molestation and you are going to do serious time."
Michael asks for the good news.
The lawyer says, "I think you can serve it in a juvenile detention facility."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2003, 11:59 AM:
Rated G
Question: How do you know when it's bed time at Micheal Jackson's Neverland Ranch?
Answer: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2003, 12:49 PM:
Rated G
Celebrity New Year's Resolutions (we'd love to see)
DR. PHIL
~He promises to finally take a class in psychology and stop all
this guessing.
LIZA MINNELLI
~ She vows to marry someone who, when she buys a
new outfit, won't be more interested to see how HE looks in it.
RUSH LIMBAUGH
~ He'll stop taking OxyContin for hunger pangs.
JESSICA SIMPSON
~ The human blonde joke isn't making a resolution,
because she already thinks we won the resolution back in 1776.
MICHAEL JACKSON
~ Jacko resolves not to sleep in the same bed with
young boys. When it's time to go to sleep, they can just meet him
in the jacuzzi.
BEN AFFLECK
~ He vows he'll only cheat on J.Lo with mute strippers.
BRITNEY SPEARS
~ She'll stop kissing aging pop divas and start
kissing the Hilton sisters.
SIEGFRIED & ROY
~ From now on, it's stuffed animals only!
R. KELLY
~ He'll keep reminding himself that a woman's age is
measured by how many years she's been alive..not by how many
days.
PARIS HILTON ~ The infamous hotel heiress and accidental porn
star will try really hard to no longer be a huge embarrassment
to her family. She's changing her name to Paris Motel 6.
KOBE BRYANT
~ He promises to quit leaving DNA in hotel rooms.
ASHTON KUTCHER
~ He will no longer get so depressed on DEMI'S birthday.
DEMI MOORE
~ She'll finally admit to Ashton that HE'S been Punk'd...she's
really 50!
COURTNEY LOVE
~ She'll try to be a better mom if she's high.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2004, 08:39 AM:
Rated G
While filming a movie in New Mexico,Robert Redford was taking a break from the heat at an ice cream parlor.
A woman,a huge fan of Redford's,noticed him,but was determined to keep her cool.She nonchalantly left the shop,pretending to not even notice him.
When she got outside,she realized she didn't have the ice cream
cone she was sure she had paid for. She went back in and
confronted the cashier.
Overhearing the conversation,Robert Redford said,"Madam,you'll probably find it where you put it,in your purse."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2004, 04:43 PM:
Rated XXX Sean Connery
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand." Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay". He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my Dick in your right hand." Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?" Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2004, 09:39 PM:
Rated G
"This is my motto: It's a man's world but women run it."
--Robert Downey Jr.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2004, 06:17 AM:
Rated G
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit,and they remained friends until Benny died.
One day,they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant,and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.
"I like butter on my bread," he said."But my diet strictly forbids butter.Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."
"Jack," Burns said,"don't be ridiculous.You're a grown man.You
should be able to decide,without your wife's help,whether or not
to butter your own bread."
"You're right," Benny said."I'll just have the butter,that's
all."
When the waiter arrived with the check,Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."
"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"
"Because if you don't," Burns said,"I'll tell Mary about the
butter."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 04:21 PM:
Rated R ~Steven Spielberg~
A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal.He says to his pal,"Hey! That's Jurassic Park Director, Steven Spielberg over there! God,I wish he'll come over to say hi".
Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose.
"Hey!! What's that for?!"
"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbour!"
"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese,Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" Spielberg walks back.
The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch on the face.
"What... !?!"
"YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"
"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2004, 09:53 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The famed ventriloquist Edgar Bergen was once invited to the White House for dinner. Having arrived with no identification,he was stopped at the gate by the Secret Service
After searching through his pockets for suitable documents, Bergen finally opened his case and removed his dummy,Charlie McCarthy,who took a good look at Bergen before turning to the Secret Service men:
"Yeah, fellows," the dummy declared, "he's Edgar Bergen."
Bergen and McCarthy were ushered in without further ado.
Posted by Ron Keillor (Member # 1790) on 02-02-2004, 02:56 PM:
Why will Hollywood not make a movie about the life of Mick Jagger ?
Because they can't find someone without sin to cast the first Stone,
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2004, 01:30 PM:
Rated G Alex
Timberlake's new spokesperson,former Iraqi Minister of
Information Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf,said,"The FCC and the 140
million viewers who claim they saw it are all liars! That breast
was never exposed!"
--Brandon Hunt
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2004, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
Danny Thomas, that excellent comedian of Lebanese extraction and the proud possessor of a majestic hooked nose,told his audience once of having been honorary member at a country club reserved for Jews only.It was because of his own Christianity that he could not become a real member,and he remained a guest only.
He argued with the membership committee,pointing out that by
restricting membership on religious grounds they were every bit as bigoted as were those country clubs who would not admit Jews. To set an example they ought to nonrestrict membership.
Finally,and reluctantly,the members of the country club agreed,
and such artificial restrictions as race and religion were lifted.
Rejoicing,Danny Thomas rushed down to be the first Gentile to
join as a member under the new dispensations -- and was refused!
Astounded, he said,"But why?
And he was told."Because we're going to a lot of trouble to let
in Gentiles,and if we're going to let in Gentiles, we want them
at least to look like Gentiles!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2004, 11:31 AM:
Rated G
In the spring of 1958, Cliff Roberts, who with Bobby Jones, founded the Masters golf classic, decide to poke some fun at his own imperious and grim control of the tournament.
He had the water level in the pond by the 16th hole lowered by eight inches, a boardwalk built across, and the water level raised back to normal. His idea was to show the highly select membership, gathered for the annual jamboree two weeks before the tournament, that their chairman could indeed walk on water.
His disgruntled workmen, however, dismantled the boardwalk the night before the event.
Roberts, a smile on his face, dressed in his usual three-piece suit, took a step off the bank and, in front of the astonished tycoons in their green coats, plunged in up to his neck.
Such is the secrecy of the membership at Augusta, news of this backfired prank has never been published until now.
Source: Sports Illustrated, George Plimpton, April 1, 2002
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-22-2004, 05:31 PM:
Rated G Peter Sellers
As a builder, I once did some work in the kitchen of the apartment where Peter Sellers and his first wife lived. One day, while Sellers was in his study and his wife and I were discussing the work, the doorbell rang.
After answering it, a highly amused Mrs. Sellers came back with a telegram from her husband. It read: BRING ME A CUP OF COFFEE.
Submitted by Lorraine
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-22-2004, 05:45 PM:
Rated PG George Burns
George Burns told a story about cheating on his wife once during their marriage. He kept it to himself, but he felt so bad that he bought Gracie a beautiful diamond bracelet. Finally, after several years had gone by, he confessed to Gracie about his indiscretion.
She said, "I know. I was hoping you'd do it again. I wanted a ring to match."
Posted by Nicholas Suchyta (Member # 2050) on 06-09-2004, 12:17 PM:
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world by from her front porch with her cat named Bob, her only companion. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? "
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
"I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh, thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her veins.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when complete, he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen. Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat,
breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me now"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-14-2004, 04:15 PM:
Rated G Rita Rudner Quote
" How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue....and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?
Where does the glue go?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2004, 10:15 AM:
Rated X Celebrity Quotes on Sex
Submitted by Hank in Simi
Famous Sexy Quotes .
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
---Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
---Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
---Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
---Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
---George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." Boy isn't this the truth?!
---Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
---Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
---Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
---Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
---Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
---Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
---Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
---Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
---Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
---Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
---Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
---Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
---Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde (I like this one)
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
---George Burns
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-23-2004, 08:34 AM:
Rated G Maggie
When the subject of heaven and hell was broached in conversation one day,Ernest Hemingway politely declined to offer any opinion.
"Excuse me for not answering," he said. "I have friends in both places."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-26-2004, 04:00 PM:
Rated G
"Congratulations to Gwyneth Paltrowwho gave birth to a baby girl named Apple. Gwyneth says she is looking forward to having another daughter so she can have a "Pear"."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2004, 12:45 PM:
Rated G
Actress Edith Evans: I don't look seventy, do I? Now, be honest.
Director Tony Richardson: No, love, you don't. Not anymore.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2004, 09:14 AM:
Rated G Betsy
"I've made so many movies playing a hooker that they don't pay me in the regular way anymore. They leave it on the dresser."
-- Shirley MacLaine
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:50 AM:
Rated G Dolly Parton
"People thought my family was Catholic because we had so many kids. We were just a bunch of horny hillbillies."
"We like to call our music 'Hick Hop'. It's P Dolly and the Back Woods Boys."
"I love to dress up. I leave no rhinestone unturned."
"We worried about 'Stairway to Heaven'. We were afraid it might sound like Stairwell to Hell."
--Dolly Parton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:52 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Christopher Reeve (1952-2004) Quotes
"Even though I don't personally believe in the Lord, I try to behave as though He was watching"
"Don't give up. Don't lose hope. Don't sell out."
"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
"At first, dreams seem impossible, then improbable, and eventually inevitable."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2004, 02:28 PM:
Rated G Studs Terkel
"When you're on a book tour," Studs Terkel once explained, "you get a little hazy after a while. And so I'm at a motel somewhere and say to the operator, 'Could you please wake me up at six o'clock because I've got to get the eight o'clock plane to Cleveland.' A long pause: 'Sir, you are in Cleveland.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2004, 08:56 AM:
Rated PG
CELEBRITY EPITAPHS
* Tiger Woods at Six Under
* Col. Sanders Kicks the Bucket
* Mike Myers, "Wayne's World" Star, Lives -- Not!
* Lee Iacocca Recalled by Maker
* George W. Bush Deceasifies
* Clinton Doesn't Inhale
* Ed McMahon's Relatives May Have Already Inherited 10 MILLION DOLLARS!
* Autopsy Confirms Death of Keith Richards
* Meat Loaf Goes Cold
* Roger Ebert: 10 Toes Up
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2004, 09:39 AM:
Rated PG
+---------------- Bizarre Celebrity Quotes -----------------+
"My boyfriend calls me 'Princess,' but I think of myself more along the lines of 'monkey' and 'retarded.'"
-Alicia Silverstone
"I didn't even know my bra size until I made a movie."
-Angelina Jolie
"My body is like breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I don't think about it, I just have it."
-Arnold Schwarzenegger
"This time I'm going to be the bride. She got me these pink panties with a big bow on them."
-Billy Bob Thornton
"I would rather have a cup of tea than sex."
-Boy George
"I'm on the Zoloft to keep from killing y'all."
-Mike Tyson
"I pick my nose and I'm not ashamed to admit it. If there's a bogey then just pick it, man."
-Justin Timberlake
"Wal-mart...do they like make walls there?"
-Paris Hilton
"I've been noticing gravity since I was very young."
"My child was not only carried by me, but by the universe."
-Celine Dion
"I'm like a monk with a taste for hookers."
-Moby
"I won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day."
-Linda Evangelista
"I think the longer I look good, the better gay men feel."
-Cher
"I believe all drunks go to heaven, because they've been put through hell on Earth."
-Liza Minnelli
"I would like to see the Pope wearing my T-shirt."
-Madonna
"I'm thinking about naming my first son Emmy so I can say I've got one."
-Noah Wyle
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2004, 01:31 PM:
Rated PG
"The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers."
--Woody Allen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2004, 08:33 AM:
Rated G
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
-- Woody Allen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2004, 02:26 PM:
Rated G
"I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal, high enough so you can look up her dress."
--Steve Martin
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 12:41 PM:
Rated G
When talk show host Jay Leno was in fifth grade, his teacher wrote the following on his report card:
"If Jay spent as much time studying, as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 05:31 PM:
Rated G
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."
---Shirley Temple
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:58 PM:
Rated G Mozart
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2005, 09:27 AM:
Rated G
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
--Jack Lemmon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
GBS once received an invitation from a celebrity hound: Lady Tillingham-Swarthmore will be at home Thursday between four and six.
GBS returned the card. Underneath her message, he had scrawled: Mr. George Bernard Shaw likewise.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 09:44 PM:
Rated XXX Russell Crowe
At the age of 22, Russell Crowe moved from his native New Zealand to Sydney, Australia, where he worked, very briefly, as a waiter.
One day, a customer, an American woman who Russell found extremely annoying, ordered a cup of decaffeinated coffee.
She was soon dismayed to see her waiter appear with a rather unexpected beverage.
"This," she peevishly pointed out, "is just a cup of boiling water."
Crowe's reply (for which he was immediately fired)? "Lady, when we decaffeinate something in Australia, we don't fuck around."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 02:05 PM:
Rated G Michael Jackson
Actually, Michael Jackson and the Catholic Church have a lot in common. Maybe he should have studied for the priesthood. I mean, thy both like young boys, live in a make-believe world, dress in strange clothes, and have a cult following!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 04:01 PM:
Rated G Jack Benny
Bet this wouldn't happen these days...
When Jack Benny was invited to perform at the White House, he showed up at the gate with his violin case under his arm. A burly guard blocked his way. Somewhat tensely, the guard asked what was in the case.
'A machine gun,' Benny said.
The guard relaxed. 'Oh, that's fine, Mr. Benny,' he said. 'Go right in. For a moment there I was afraid it was your violin.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:29 PM:
Rated G
"Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day."
~~ Mickey Rooney
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2005, 02:43 PM:
Rated G Woody Allen
"In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:32 PM:
Rated G
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up. And finally, you forget to pull it down."
-- George Burns --
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2005, 11:56 AM:
Rated G
"I worked some gigs in the Deep South....Alabama....You talk about Darwins waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father."
Dennis Miller
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2005, 01:54 PM:
Rated G
"Michael Moore and I actually have a lot in common -- we both appreciate living in a country where there's free expression." But, Michael if you ever show up at my door with a camera - I'll kill you. I mean it."
~~Clint Eastwood, at the National Board of Review awards dinner.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 01:48 PM:
Rated
"A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and appar-ently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory."
~- Bill Maher
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-13-2005, 06:33 AM:
Rated XXX Phillip
Michael Jackson was entertaining some children at his Neverland Ranch. Little Johnny asked the naked Michael "What is that thing?", pointing to Michael's penis. Michael said it was his snake, and said to Johnny, "You can pet him if you like."
Pretty soon Johnny was petting and petting Michael's trouser snake and Michael was getting closer and closer to the dreams he was having the night before. All of a sudden, a deafening scream filled the mansion. Michael looked down and saw that he was bleeding from his crotch.
Michael asked "What the hell did you do?!"
Johnny said "I was petting the snake then he spit on me, so I cut his head off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2005, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
" I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down' "
--Bob Newhart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:15 PM:
Rated G Red Adair
Red Adair walked into an Aberdonian pub after two weeks spent putting out a fire in a North Sea oil well. He ordered a pint of heavy and found a table. The man sitting next to him immediately noticed that this rugged-looking elderly fellow was indeed an American and said:
"I've been to the States myself, you know. I went there last year."
"Oh really..." our oil rig hero said in a rather tired voice.
"Aye, I spent a month in California. One night I went to a concert with a famous country singer called Benny Rogers, and..."
"Surely you must mean KENNY Rogers," Red said, looking at the ceiling.
"Aye, that's right. Anyway, he sang a duet with a bonnie lass called Polly Darton."
"It's DOLLY PARTON, not Polly Darton." Red was not in the friendliest of moods now.
The Scot realized that he was making a fool of himself and tried a change of topic:
"Haven't I seen you on TV? You're quite famous, aren't you?"
This made old Red cheer up:
"Indeed you have. I'm Red Adair!" he said with a grin.
"Red Adair?! The REAL Red Adair? So, are you still married to Ginger Rogers?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 10:47 AM:
Rated G
The saddest part of Ray Charles death was that he didn't see it coming.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2005, 08:06 AM:
Rated G
Bette Davis was once informed by her attorney that rumors of her death were spreading through New York.
"Die? During a newspaper strike?" she replied. "I wouldn't even consider it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2005, 02:45 PM:
Rated G
"Forget that you may be a total mess, be like the girl singer who was on a variety show with me. She had a wig, capped teeth, false eyelashes, fake fingernails, rear padding, and silicone job. She then went on stage and sang, 'I Gotta Be Me."
- Phyllis Diller -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 06:42 AM:
Rated G
Many visitors to Picasso's home in the south of France were astonished to find that its walls boasted none of his own works. "Why is that, Pablo?" someone once asked. "Don't you like them?"
"On the contrary - I like them very much," the painter replied. "It's just that I can't afford them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 07:29 AM:
Rated G
"I wrote a novel this year called, 'Shop Girl,' and several producers came to me and wanted to turn it into a movie. And I said, 'If you think you're going to take this book and change it around, and Hollywoodize it and change the ending, then that's going to cost you.'"
-- Steve Martin
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:21 PM:
Rated G
"Let me see if I get this straight, all I have to do is dress up weird and parade around my neighborhood and people I don't know will give me candy? For free? I can do that!"
--Jerry Seinfeld
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:23 PM:
Rated G
"My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine."
--Steve Allen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 10:08 AM:
Rated G Betsy
A few years ago, Hugh Hefner found the woman he'd been looking for all his life, and he got married.
A woman he could cherish for the rest of his life - and then she turned twenty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 07:44 AM:
Rated G
"When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then...answer the phone."
--Rita Rudner
"I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about five or six people, tops, I'd ask, 'Would you like something to drink? You would? Then we're going to have to land.'"
--Rita Rudner
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 08:53 AM:
Rated G
Joan Rivers remembers the day she gave birth to her daughter.
"When I was giving birth, the nurse asked me, 'Still think blondes have more fun?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
"I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book."
~~ Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 09:58 AM:
Rated G
Singer and comedian Eddie Cantor conducted a benefit performance at a veterans' hospital.
He gave every song his best and worked hard to make the patients laugh. As he closed the show, he said, "Hope you're all better soon."
His audience quickly shouted, "Same to you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:19 AM:
Rated G
The late entertainer Al Jolson is reputed to have been a hard man to handle.
A young director once tried to get him to alter a piece of business, and found himself in trouble at once. Jolson halted the proceedings, stared at the young man scornfully, and said, "Listen kid, I've got a million dollars. What do you have?"
And the director said quietly, "Friends!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 04:14 PM:
Rated G
"Regis Philbin says his upcoming Christmas Album will feature a duet with him and Donald Trump. I guess the idea is you play it when you want your relatives to go home."
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:03 PM:
Rated G
"Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses."
Elizabeth Taylor
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:52 PM:
Rated PG
George Burns Quotes
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
At my age flowers scare me.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
For thirty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman - it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
How can I die? I'm booked.
I can't afford to die - I'd lose too much money.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age."
If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 09:12 AM:
Rated G
"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."
--Jack Benny
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 08:28 PM:
Rated G
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Florida.
3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric
bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no
place to sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told
me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late
for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these?
I love it.........this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word........ just clean and simple fun from Red Skelton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 12:41 PM:
Rated G
Composer Irving Berlin gave his wife, Ellin Mackay, an especially valuable wedding gift: He assigned her the copyright of his new song "Always."
Over the years it earned her $300,000. They remained devoted to each other until her death 62 years later.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2005, 07:06 AM:
Rated G
Columnist Earl Wilson: Have you ever been mistaken for a man?
Actress Tallulah Bankhead: No, darling. Have you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 07:38 AM:
Rated G
"If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball."
- Jack Lemmon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 08:58 AM:
Rated G
"When I was on my way to the podium a gentleman stopped me and said I was as good a politician as I was an actor. What a cheap shot!"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:08 AM:
Rated G
When pointing out a mistake by another person, always consider the person's feelings.
Milton Berle was dining with his wife, Ruth in a Hollywood restaurant when a waiter put too much pepper on her salad. Mrs Berle tasted it and said, "Hmm. It just needs more salad."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:32 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A well off young man was moving from one street to another, a few streets away.
Observing with dismay the carefree way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock, which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when a somewhat inebriated but friendly fellow who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.
"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.
"Why on earth don't you just carry a watch?"
[ 02-07-2006, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 08:50 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
My dad was always on the run from the cops, and I never saw him out of disguise until I was twenty-two. For years, I thought he was a short, bearded man with dark glasses and a limp.
~Woody Allen~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:37 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Q: What TV western star was once the highest paid, highest scoring professional lacrosse player in Canadian history?
A: Jay Silverheels - Tonto on "The Lone Ranger."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 09:43 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"All these animal rights people get on my nerves. They don't want to save all the animals, they just want to save the cute ones. You'll never see a "Save the Lab Rat" campaign."
~Drew Carey~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 10:26 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them."
~Bette Midler, Actress~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 07:37 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had intended me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
~Joan Rivers, Comedienne~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 10:14 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I've always had the ability to say to the audience, watch this if you like, and if you don't, take a hike.
~Clint Eastwood, Actor~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:56 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Q: In the event of a nuclear holocaust, what artifact did architech Frank Lloyd Wright believe would be excavated in great quantity from the ruins of twentieth-century civilization?
A: The vitreous china toilet bowl.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:58 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
Call the convenient toll-free-IRS-Taxpayer-Complaint-Hot-Line-number,1 800-AUDITME.
~Dave Barry~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:01 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
One time Mayor Giuliani kicked Yasser Arafat out of a private party at Lincoln Center.
On his way out of the party, Arafat was hears saying, "Hey I've blown up better places than this."
~Bill Maher~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2006, 10:21 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"I'm a great housekeeper. I get divorced. I keep the house."
~Zsa Zsa Gabor~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 11:16 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Carol Burnett, the former queen of prime time comedy (1967-1979), was getting out of a taxicab in from of the TV studio. She accidentally slammed the door shut on her coat and the oblivious cabbie took off. Carol was forced to run along side in order not to be dragged off her feet. After running several blocks, she was finally rescued by a pedestrian who hailed the cab and brought the vehicle to a stop.
The cabbie, now realizing what had happened, jumped out of his car and ran to Carol's side. "Are you all right?" he asked.
"Fine," panted Carol. "But how much more do I owe you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:41 PM:
Rated G Popo
"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
-Henry Youngman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 08:14 PM:
Rated G
"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
--Dave Barry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 10:05 PM:
Rated PG to R Diane in Reno
If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:38 AM:
Rated G B.B.
If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can't be done.
-- Peter Ustinov
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:16 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What a life. When I was a kid I asked my dad if I could go ice skating. He told me to wait until it gets warmer.
~ Rodney Dangerfield~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:26 AM:
Rated G
Milton Berle's father Moses Berlinger, the son of a German immigrant, was a dreamer, a jack-of-all-trades, and master of none. He tried to earn a living doing everything from painting houses to selling door-to-door to "inventing" chocolate-covered cherries (which had already been invented). But nothing he tried ever worked out.
"We lived in the Bronx and on the Upper East Side of Manhattan in an assortment of crummy flats and brownstones but there was never enough money to pay the rent," Berle remembered years later.
"We were always having to sneak our furniture and belongings out and move to a new place. It wasn't until I was fairly grown that I learned that moving could be done in the daytime. I thought it was like sleeping - something you had to do at night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:16 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
~Mel Brooks~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:20 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
--George Jessel
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:22 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Be like a duck, calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath."
--Michael Caine
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 03:42 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
TALLULAH BANKHEAD QUOTES (1903 - 1968)
"I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."
"They used to shoot her through gauze. You should shoot me through linoleum." (referring to Shirley Temple)
"I'm as pure as the driven slush."
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time."
"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:30 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Boston is, in fact, the drinkingest town I've ever been in my entire life. I've never seen a town drunk more as an aggregate. Do you ever just wake up as a city collectively and go, "Hey, what did we do last night?"
~Jon Stewart~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Betsy
One of my favorite poets is the first grader in Ellisville, Missouri whose teacher noticed he wasn't his usual energetic self, "Don't you feel well?" she asked. "No" he said. "I think I've got peanut butter stuck to my heart."
--Dick Van Dyke (Those Funny Kids!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2006, 01:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
As she retired to the kitchen to put the finishing touches to the dinner preparations, actress Helen Hayes warned her family: "This is the first turkey I've ever cooked. If it isn't right, I don't want anybody to say a word. We'll just get up from the table, without comment, and go down to the hotel for dinner."
She returned some ten minutes later to find the family seated expectantly at the dinner table—wearing their hats and coats.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-08-2006, 12:35 PM:
Rated G...
Recently we celebrated the anniversary of Albert Einstein's birthday.
He was born March 14, 1879. Few remember that the brilliant
mathematician and Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was
attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed. He postulated that if
you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is
stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This is known as… Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2006, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
It is rumored that Bobby Fischer got bored of playing chess with Russians.
He asked the association to fix his next match with some other Europeans.
His telegram read, "How about a Czech, mate?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2006, 02:19 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On the morning after Jack Benny's death, his widow, Mary, received a single long-stemmed rose from the local florist.
When another rose was delivered the next day, Mary called the florist and was told of an order her husband had placed before he died: He had made provision in his will for the florist to supply "one perfect red rose daily for the rest of Mary's life."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:48 PM:
Rated G
"Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot." Edgar Bergen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2006, 09:33 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I love Thanksgiving turkey...it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts."
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-25-2006, 10:34 AM:
Rated G Conan O'Brian
"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lowest third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-28-2006, 07:09 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
After a school in his home town (Waukegan, Illinois) was named after him, famed comedian Jack Benny made a point of visiting every year to speak with the children.
While Benny was addressing a class of twelve-year-olds one year, a student raised his hand and posed a curious question: "Mr. Benny," he asked, "why did they name you after our school?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:14 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: Next Generation) once offered a word of advice to the show's fans.
"If William Shatner ever calls you into the bathroom and asks you to see the 'Captain's Log,'" he said, "say no! I fell for that nine times..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Irish writer Oscar Wilde was once asked his opinion of a certain widely-panned theatrical production.
"The play was a great success," he replied, "but the audience was a disaster."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Orson Welles was once asked to name the three best directors in Hollywood.
"I like the old masters," he replied, "by which I mean John Ford, John Ford, and John Ford."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 12:53 PM:
Rated G
Willie Nelson's public statement regarding being caught with a bag of Marijuana last week:
"It's a good thing I had a bag of marijuana instead of a bag of spinach - or I'd be dead by now."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated G
"Suddenly, quietly, you realize that...from this moment forth... you will no longer walk through this life alone. Like a new sun this awareness arises within you, freeing you from fear, opening your life. It is the beginning of love, and the end of all that came before"
Robert Frost
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2006, 06:20 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A young actress was once invited by Ethel Barrymore to dinner - and not only failed to appear but neglected to apologize or account for her absence. A few days later, the two women unexpectedly met at the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA) in New York. "I think I was invited to your house to dinner last Thursday night," the young woman began. "Oh, yes?" Barrymore replied. "Did you come?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:11 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Peanuts" creator Charles M. Schulz's comic vision was inspired by a childhood punctuated by a series of misfortunes and failures. One day the future cartoonist went to see a movie at a theater which had promised chocolate bars to the first 100 children who arrived. Naturally, Schulz was the 101st kid in line.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day in the early 1960s, John Lennon walked into London's Indica art gallery to visit an exhibition of avant garde art. Among the exhibits was a fresh apple. Inspired, Lennon impulsively plucked the item from its stand and took a bite. When the artist, who happened to be right there at the time, cried out in anger, Lennon sheepishly grinned and replaced the apple.
The artist in question? Yoko Ono.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:23 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Cary Grant donated his entire fee for 'Arsenic and Old Lace' ($100,000) to the U.S. War Relief Fund and gave his earnings from 'The Philadelphia Story' to the British war effort.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Debbie Reynolds' film career began at MGM when she won a beauty contest at age 16 with an impersonation of Betty Hutton.
In 1948, she won the title of Miss Burbank and was offered a screen test by Warner Brothers the following day. Had she planned on a film career? Not exactly: she had entered the contest because each candidate was guaranteed a silk scarf, a blouse, and a free lunch.
[ 01-20-2007, 10:45 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Beatles drummer Ringo Starr was often teased about his substantial nose.
Starr himself wasn't bothered by the issue. When people made cracks about his nose, he explained in the Beatles' film 'A Hard Day's Night', "it goes up one nostril and down the other."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:56 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A women's magazine once asked a number of famous women: "What is the first thing you notice about a woman?" "Her way of speaking," said Agatha Christie. "Her hands," said Maria Callas. Zsa Zsa Gabor's reply? "Her husband!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:37 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Among his friends, Harry Houdini (1874-1926) was as famed for "escaping" from paying his bills as he was for escaping from chests and chains. On one occasion, after lunching with a group of other vaudeville performers, a conjuror named Meyenberg turned to Houdini and asked him whether he wanted to see a trick. Houdini enthusiastically agreed.
"Lay your hands flat on the table, with your palms down," Meyenberg instructed. When he did so, Meyenberg balanced two water-filled glasses on Houdini's hands, exclaimed, "Let's see you get out of that without paying the bill!" and quickly fled with the rest of the party.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 10:43 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day actress Susan Sarandon visited Barnes & Noble where, as part of a charity-related dare, she was required to approach a clerk and request a list containing every book in which she had ever been mentioned. The clerk's reply? "You are not a keyword."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 03:01 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
In 1926, Ernest Hemingway left his first wife (Hadley Richardson) and their small son for a wealthy writer named Pauline Pfeiffer. Shortly thereafter, Hemingway was asked why he had left.
His reply?
"Because I am a bastard."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 03:02 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day Jack Benny, famed for his role as a violin-playing miser, used a pay toilet in his hotel lobby before jumping into a cab and heading off. He soon realized that he had dropped his wallet in the cubicle, however, and asked the driver to turn around.
Back in the rest room, Benny peered through the gap below the door and saw his wallet lying inside. Lacking a dime to get into the cubicle, he slipped under the door and was lying flat on his stomach, reaching for his wallet, when another man entered the room.
The newcomer recognized the tightwad of all tightwads apparently attempting to sneak into a pay toilet and Benny, despite a valiant effort, was quite unable to convince him otherwise...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2007, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
For twas not into my ear you whispered
But into my heart
Twas not my lips you kissed
But my soul.
--Judy Garland
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2007, 11:59 AM:
Rated G
"Big night for the Rolling Stones. I don't want to say the Stones are getting old. But this is not the first time the Rolling Stones performed at an event where roman numerals were used."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 10:00 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
-- Jackie Mason
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-06-2007, 10:39 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
David Bowie once described his courtship of supermodel Iman: "I'd never been out with a model before so I hadn't even bargained on the cliche of the rock star and the model as being part of my life. So I was well surprised to meet one who was devastatingly wonderful and not the usual sort of bubblehead that I'd met in the past. I make no bones about it. I was naming children the night we met."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2007, 03:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Shortly after moving into a new bachelor pad in Los Angeles in 2003, Justin Timberlake learned that his telephone number was one digit off from a nearby pizza place. Naturally, he was soon swamped with calls from hungry customers. Timberlake's solution? Rather than get mad, he simply started taking orders. "I get their names and addresses," he said, "and tell them their order is on the computer."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Though best known for his role in Frankenstein (1931), Boris Karloff was a kind, bookish man off-screen. A true gentleman, he had many friends, among them Charles Starrett (the cowboy actor best known as the "Durango Kid"), who once lived near Karloff in the Hollywood Hills.
While driving home after work one night, Starrett suddenly slammed on his brakes as he passed Karloff's home and nearly crashed his car. "Boris for God's sake!" he shouted, running over to the garden where Karloff, in full Monster regalia, was standing with a watering can. "What are you trying to do? Scare me to death?" "Well, Charlie," Karloff mildly replied, "we worked late tonight, and the rose garden needed watering. I didn't have time to wait around."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2007, 05:01 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Jack Benny was famed for his role as a comical miser. "When Jack Benny has a party," George Burns once quipped, "you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2007, 09:37 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
After a school in his home town (Waukegan, Illinois) was named after him, famed comedian Jack Benny made a point of visiting every year to speak with the children.
While Benny was addressing a class of twelve-year-olds one year, a student raised his hand and posed a curious question: "Mr. Benny," he asked, "why did they name you after our school?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2007, 12:31 PM:
Rated G
I had plenty of pimples as a kids. One day I fell asleep in the library. Whyen I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 05:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
While attending a dinner party one evening, Poet Laureate Robert Frost and his fellow guests were invited onto a veranda to watch the sun set.
"Oh, Mr. Frost," a young woman exclaimed, "isn't it a lovely sunset?"
"Sorry," Frost replied. "I never discuss business after dinner."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2007, 06:38 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Kevin Federline is now wearing an eye patch over one eye. I think I know what happened. I think he must have run into someone who paid 16 bucks for his C.D."
-Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2007, 05:43 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Cecil B. De Mille was once so busy that he asked Pauline Kessinger, the head of the studio commissary, to make his lunch selections for him.
She agreed and began serving him a bowl of split-pea soup, a piece of custard pie, and a glass of milk every Monday - until, one day, the kitchen ran out of peas.
When De Mille arrived with his entourage, Pauline approached their table in a panic. "I'm very sorry, Mr. De Mille," she said, "but I'll have to give you something else today. I think I'm going to have to fire the chef because we ran out of peas."
De Mille smiled and gave her an enormous hug. "Honey, may I tell you something?" he asked. "I hate split-pea soup."
Kessinger was stunned. "But Mr. De Mille," she exclaimed, "why have you let me serve it to you for twenty years!?"
"You seemed to be so pleased with that choice," he gently replied, "I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2007, 09:00 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Actress Helen Hayes was known for her talents on the stage, not in the kitchen.
When she cooked her first Thanksgiving turkey, she told her family that if the bird didn't come out right, they'd all go have dinner at their favorite hotel.
When Hayes carried the turkey from the kitchen into the dining room, she found her entire family sitting at the table in their hats and coats.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2007, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
For those of you too young to remember Bob, ask your Grandparents!!!
And thanks for the memories............
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70
'You still chase women, but only downhill.'
ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even
your birthday suit needs pressing.'
ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'
ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon .
Then it's time for my nap.'
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring ...
the referee kept stepping on them.'
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover.''
ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession.
Show business is just to pay the green fees.'
ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,
'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham.''
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed.
When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.'
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'
ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions.
I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'
GOD BLESS AMERICA
Give me a sense of humor. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2007, 08:56 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed!! Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer. A re run of great one liner's from the man who was known for his clean humor. I hope you get a chuckle or two reading them once more
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE
FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go
for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it........these were the good old days
when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word.
It was just clean and simple fun.
And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
While attending a physics symposium in Las Vegas one year, Albert Einstein, to the astonishment of many of his sober-minded colleagues, spent a fair amount of time at the craps and roulette tables.
"Einstein is gambling as if there were no tomorrow," an eminent physicist remarked one day. "What troubles me," another replied, "is that he may know something!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2008, 03:05 PM:
Rated G Drew
"Movie cowboys mystify me," said Bob Hope.
"How can they jump off a porch roof and onto a horse, and still sing in a normal voice?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 01:33 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"The trouble with my wife is that she has a weight problem. Every time I want sex, she says, "Wait."
-Rodney Dangerfield
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:28 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Following a performance of "Swan Lake" in Vienna one evening in 1964, ballet impressarios Margot Fonteyn and Rudolf Nureyev received - and answered - 89 (yes, 89) curtain calls!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2008, 12:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day Winston Churchill's father paid a "formal visit" to inspect his son's collection of toy soldiers:
"All the troops were arranged in the correct formation of attack," Churchill recalled. "He spent twenty minutes studying the scene - which was really impressive - with a keen eye and captivating smile. At the end he asked me if I would like to go into the Army, so I said 'yes' at once: and immediately I was taken at my word.
"For years I thought my father with his experience and flair had discerned in me the qualities of military genius. But I was told later that he had only come to the conclusion that I was not clever enough to go to the Bar."
Posted by Bruce Hansen (Member # 281) on 01-28-2008, 05:31 PM:
Rated: G
Celebrity joke:
Britney Spears.
Enough said?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2008, 08:41 AM:
Rated G
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you'r e so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him ou t. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's cha nged?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70 ! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers . This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 04:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
As a teenager, Robert De Niro decided to apply for admission to the illustrious Dramatic Workshop at the New School (whose alumni include Marlon Brando, Tennessee Williams, and Shelley Winters).
"The director said to me, 'Vy do you vant to be an acteh?'"
De Niro later recalled. His response? "I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.
And he said, 'To express yourself!'
And I said, 'Yeah, yeah, that's it...'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2008, 11:40 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Last year, I had a big fight with my wife on New Year's Eve. She accused me of being an awful procrastinator, so I stopped carving the Thanksgiving turkey and walked out of the house."
Milton Berle
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2008, 01:38 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"When someone does something good, Applaud! You will make two people happy."
- Samuel Goldwyn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2008, 12:32 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
Albert Einstein
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:46 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something."
Jackie Mason
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2008, 11:15 AM:
Rated G
For those of you too young to remember Bob.
May 29, 1903- July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS? " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:43 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While driving through a Swiss village one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed through the window. "That," he declared, "is the most frightening sight I have ever seen."
Hitchcock's fellow- traveler was astonished to see nothing more alarming than a priest conversing with a small boy, his hand gently resting on the youngster's shoulder.
"Run, little boy, run!" Hitchcock cried, poking his head through the window. "Run for your life!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 12:12 PM:
Rated G
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Jackie Mason
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 12:17 PM:
Rated X
I was making love to this girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
She said. "No. I hate myself now.
Rodney Dangerfield
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2008, 09:39 PM:
Rated G Quirk
Steven Segal is blaming the FBI for ruining his movie career. He said he's not getting the movie roles that he wants because of a false FBI investigation.
The FBI issued a response and said, "It is our job to stop people from making bombs."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 10:52 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Almost all of the roles that made Humphrey Bogart a star (after a decade of toiling in minor films) were roles he got because George Raft had turned them down, from High Sierra (1941), in which Bogie was first noticed as a viable box office draw, to Casablanca (1942), which made him a true international star.
Ironically, after having been overshadowed by Raft the whole first half of his career, Bogart is today by far the better-known star and is considered the superior actor of the two.
Poster's Note: Humphrey Bogart was a classmate of My Father
at Trinity School in Manhattan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2008, 06:36 AM:
Rated G
"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going."
George Carlin...1937-2008
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2008, 06:38 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
George Carlin once suggested changing some NBA rules to make basketball more interesting. 50 points, for example, would be awarded for any shot which goes in after bouncing off an opponent's head.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 06:57 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill."
~Peter Ustinov~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 07:11 AM:
Rated G Barry
I don't know why people complain about secondhand smoke. At nearly three dollars a pack, don't they realize how much money they're saving?
Dennis Miller
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