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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 04:44 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
God's Creation
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Second Day.
On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.
On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.
On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.
On the Fifth Day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.
On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with, so God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.
On the Seventh Day God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest. So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie.
Evening came and it was the end of the Seventh day.
God sighed, looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes and Sheilas, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns, and God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody good.
IT WAS AUSTRALIA
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2003, 09:17 PM:
Rated G
Why you want to be an Aussie!
1. Know your great-grand-dad was murdering scum that no civilised nation on earth wanted.
2. Victoria Bitter.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude towards homosexuals.
9. Being the world champs at Aussie Rules football.
10. Very well mannered and cultured. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2003, 08:25 AM:
Rated G
STANDARD AUSSIE CRICKET RULES
Can't Get Out First Ball : Curious rule introduced to give the token unco bastard a reprieve. Smart-arse batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep - which becomes interesting when smart-arse bowlers use it to hone their beamer.
Caught Behind : Since no-one has the desire or the reflexes to stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.
One Hand, One Bounce : This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce)is essential to the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised with a minimum of players. More importantly, it means you don't have to put your beer down.
No LBW : When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the crease as if test driving a Zimmer frame.
Six And Out (Then Fetch It) : Introduced to combat space and energy restrictions. It's rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living alongside a pack of Rottweilers.
ESSENTIAL ITEMS
Esky : Strategically placed at the bowler's end, the esky is the shrine, the fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket - because it holds the beer.
Balls : A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there's always some pissed smart-arse who delights in tonking them over the fence. Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more swing than Austin Powers.
Dog : Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball, including those that dissapear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.
Rubbish Bin : It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.
Bat : Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle, it's usually of 1980's vintage, with a fake signature of Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.
CODE OF ETHICS
Stumps : The game draws to a close when,
a) your pissed host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas,
b) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it dissapears down the drain, or
c) your girlfriend cracks the shits and wants to go home because you "become a bastard" when you hang around with your mates.
Flower Damage : Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that you have just topped your girlfriend's petunias. Somehow, the universal threat of a week-long drought bonds the male species.
Spilt Beer : Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts shitloads of laughter, and the usually triumphant "Get me one while you're at it!"
No Running Between Wickets : Every backyard cricket specialist should know this phrase, "The words fun and run don't go together." Just ask Arjuna Ranatunga. Besides, how the f#$ck are you supposed to run in thongs?
Courtesy Call : Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no, but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they're chopping wood. And they can't handle yorkers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2003, 08:48 AM:
Rated G Australia Laws
Lawmakers are proposing a new law that will not allow anyone to come closer than 100 meters from a dead whale's carcass.
A life sentence is 25 years.
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
You may never leave your car keys in an unattended vehicle.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular.
It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.
Under Australian Communications Authority (ACA) regulations, a modem can't pick up on the first ring. If it does the, ACA permit for your modem is invalid and there's a $12,000 fine. -Telecommunications Act 1991.
Taxi cabs are required to carry a bale of hay in the trunk.
Bars are required to stable, water and feed the horses of their patrons.
The legal age for straight sex is 16, unless the person is in the care/custody of the older person, in which case it is 18.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2003, 09:00 AM:
Rated G
An American astronaut has an emergency during his re-entry into earth's atmosphere and his space craft crash-lands in the Australian bush,way out in the middle of nowhere.
After what seems like an eternity,he wakes up in a bush clinic, very rustic,dirty, with foul smells and he is bandaged from head to foot.He sees a nurse approaching him as he lay in his cot.
"Did I come here to die?"he asks with a deep sense of resignation and fear.
"No," the Aussie nurse replies,"You came here yesterday."
Posted by David Favel (Member # 1125) on 01-29-2003, 01:50 AM:
Heh Heh Rated PG
John Howard is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"John, it's the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at
this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word
that the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the
ground. It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of
condoms will be gone by the end of the week."
"Shit - the economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"
"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... Britain?..."
"No chance!! The poms will have a field day on this one!"
"What about New Zealand?"
"Maybe- but we dont want them to know that we are stuck. You
call Helen - tell her we need one million condoms; colored gold
and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick! That way
they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"
The health minister calls Helen, who agrees to help the Aussies
out in their hour of need.
Three days later a van arrives in Canberra - full of boxes. A
delighted John rushes out to open the boxes. He finds condoms;
10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored green and gold. He
then notices in small writing on each and every one:-
MADE IN NEW ZEALAND SIZE : MEDIUM
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 02:00 PM:
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
A Seven Step Guide For When You've Just Woken Up In The Gutter
From A Very Big Night Out'
1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to
be in.
2. Turn left into a side street.
3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart, possibly Perth.
4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley,you are probably in
Adelaide,Sydney or Brisbane.If you are in Adelaide,buy up, let's face it - if you're not stoned in Adelaide,there's not a lot else to do.If the drug dealer stabs you,however,you're in
Sydney.
5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you
ended back up on the street you began on, you are in Canberra.
6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground
basement dance clubs that seemingly nobody knows about, you are
in Melbourne.
7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you
are in Darwin. Don't worry about looking for the alley, just
leave.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2003, 07:28 AM:
Rated PG
Gun Control News from Down Under...
From: Ed Chenel, a police officer in Australia.
Hi Yanks,
I thought you all would like to see the real figures from Down Under. It has now been 12 months since gun owners in Australia were forced by a new law to surrender 640,381 personal firearms to be destroyed by our own government, a program costing Australia taxpayers more than $500 million dollars.
The first year results are now in: Australia-wide, homicides are up 3.2 percent, Australia-wide, assaults are up 8.6 percent; Australia-wide, armed robberies are up 44 percent (yes, 44 percent)! In the state of Victoria alone, homicides with firearms are now up 300 percent. (Note that while the law-abiding citizens turned them in, the criminals did not and criminals still possess their guns!)
While figures over the previous 25 years showed a steady decrease in armed robbery with firearms, this has changed drastically upward in the past 12 months, since the criminals now are guaranteed that their prey is unarmed. There has also been a dramatic increase in break-ins and assaults of the elderly.
Australian politicians are at a loss to explain how public safety has decreased, after such monumental effort and expense was expended in "successfully ridding Australian society of guns." You won't see this data on the American evening news or hear your governor or members of the state Assembly disseminating this information.
The Australian experience proves it. Guns in the hands of honest citizens save lives and property and, yes, gun-control laws affect only the law-abiding citizens. Take note Americans, before it's to late!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 11:11 AM:
Rated G
Two Aussies were discussing their family trees.The first said,
"Too bad you can't choose your ancestors."
The other smiled and replied,"Listen Mate, chances are they
wouldn't have chosen you either."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2003, 03:37 PM:
Rated G
Here are some classic questions that were asked of the Sydney
Olympic Committee via their Web site.
1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it
rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around
watching them die.
2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?
(Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you
send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in
Australia?(USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get
here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,
which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna BoysChoir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.
11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of
youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
16. Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
17. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
18. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can
dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely
handled and make good pets.
19. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop
out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath
them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human
urine before you go out walking.
21. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact
the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
22. Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2003, 03:37 PM:
Rated G Simple Soldier
When the Australian army goes on exercise,there are times when
due to ecological reason,we are not allowed to dig latrines,but
must use purpose built covered trenches.Now this is great,but
once a day,someone is detailed to drop some petrol in and burn
off the effluent and kill the flies.
This day it was my turn and when detailed with full instructions
on how to drop 5 liters of petrol down the pit and apply a match,
I felt up to the task.
One trench,with 8 toilets on top,5 liters multiplied by 8 equals
two Jerry Cans of petrol 40 liters or 10 gallons.Look in and
apply match...result an explosion,which blew the toilets off the
trench, emptied the contents of over an area o 200 square meters
and blew down the building on top of me.
Only hurt myself...well the 200 boys having breakfast about 50
meters away,weren't hurt as such,and the kitchen did have a tent
covering it,but I leave it up to your imagination.
I spent a week in hospital,mainly with superficial burns,
including no hair and the fact that the roof went straight up and came straight down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2003, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
Bonehead award one goes to two Australian men who, believing that
sex starved female prison inmates would be an easy lay because
they'd be desperate for a man, broke into Maldon's Tarrengower
Prison, an all woman prison, in Australia, hoping to get some
action.
Prison guards caught them while they were walking the grounds.
Now they're really screwed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2003, 06:10 AM:
Rated PG Michele
An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer.
He taps him on the shoulder and says,"You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The New Zealander looks frantically around and says,"I'm not
bloody sharing this with no one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2003, 03:53 PM:
Rated G Becky
Two friends lived in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada. They were
sick of winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip
to Australia.
When the two friends got off the plane - still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots - they wandered into a pub and sat down.The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day, mates. Where're you from?"
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," one of the Canadians replied.
"Oh," said the Aussie, returning to his table.
"So where are they from?" the other locals asked.
"Don't know," replied the Aussie."They don't speak English."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 05:59 PM:
Rated G
A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a
young woman on his back. "So what the hell are you supposed to
be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2003, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Michele
Children can no longer sit on Santa's knee in a New Zealand town of Mosgiel because of fears over liability. Those wanting to tell Santa their Christmas list are being directed to sit on specially decorated "elf chairs."
Gail Thompson, secretary of the Mosgiel Business Association, which is organizing the event, calls the precaution "ridiculous" but necessary, reports Britain's Sky News. "None of us really want the risk of someone saying in 15 years' time 'When we sat on Santa's knee..." she says. Graham Glass, who will be Santa, alsocalled it ridiculous. "I can't believe we have become so politically correct," he says.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-02-2004, 11:14 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin,so she moved again.The man seemed more amused.When on the fourth move,the man burst out laughing,she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied,"Well your Honor,it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling",and I had to smile.Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.BUT,your Honor,when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:31 AM:
Rated G JerseyT
Driving along an outback road in Australia, I spied an exotic bird flying overhead. The creature was black,with a huge and striking red-and-gold beak.
"Hey, look! A toucan!" I yelled.
"Toucan nothin'," said the Aussie passenger.
"It's a crow with its beak stuck in a McDonald's fries carton."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2005, 10:08 AM:
Rated G
Definitive Guide to Aussies
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether its the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9.The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "weve got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
29. There comes a time in every Australians life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone... EVER! It also doesn't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated PG
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. You got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
He says "Strewth Sheila.....Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."
And drives off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:23 PM:
Rated G
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a university graduate and an old aboriginal man. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word.
The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".
First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy!
No way could the old aboriginal man could top that they thought. But the old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a hunting' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-16-2005, 04:30 PM:
Rated G
An Australian journalist was stopped at a Syrian Checkpoint in the bullet-pocked suburb of West Beirut.
The Syrian soldier said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"
The Australian replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll back down the hill."
So the Syrian says, "Do you take me for a FOOL?!", as he slides into the passenger seat, and stamps his big boot onto the brake pedal. "Now go and open the TRUNK !!"
So the journalist reluctantly complies witht he soldiers request,and goes and opens the trunk of the car.
"Now", shouts the Syrian from inside the car, "Is there any contraband in there?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 01:06 PM:
Rated PG Brian
Now that the Aussies have decided it's all right, after all, to call everyone "mate," I'd just like to clarify the status of another charming native expression.
There was, at one time, a fashion for referring to we British visitors as "Shitface Pommy Bastards."
Is that now, in, or out?
Perhaps some Shitface Digger Bastard would care to enlighten us.
P.S. Sorry about the cricket. Not.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:12 PM:
Rated G
A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast. He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels, what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays (lobsters) and a swag of edible crabs in and around her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's an ill wind and all that.
Now, what's the really good news? " "Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!... You fancy comin' along?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2005, 03:25 PM:
Rated R Australian Men - Simon
What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?
The wombat, because he eats, roots(,) and leaves.
Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?
Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A man will actually search for a golf ball.
Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2005, 03:27 PM:
Rated R
Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket.
Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere.
Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together?
Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress.
What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 10:26 AM:
Rated G
AUSTRALIA:Where men are men and sheep are nervous.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2006, 09:20 AM:
Rated G
"A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into Earth's atmosphere, and his spaceraft crash-lands in the Austrialian bush.
When he comes to conciousness, he finds himself in a bush medical clinic, bandaged from head to toe. Standing at the side of his cot is a tough and tanned Aussie doctor.
'Did I come here to die?' the cosmonaut asks gravely.
'No, mate,' the doctor replies,' 'ya came here yestadie...'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:25 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Returning home after a tour of the U.S. an Australian aborigine told his tribes people about the strangest sight he had seen. "It was called a courtroom," he said.
"And in it, one man sat silent, another was talking constantly, and when it was over, twelve people ignored the one who was talking and condemned the man who hadn't said a word!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-29-2007, 01:15 PM:
It has been 567 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-29-2007, 01:15 PM:
Rated G
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, G'Day mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but also some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about ten metres in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties, mate, I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young BillHere get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over thereand pull her up again!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-21-2008, 11:56 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Question? What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same as a French kiss, only down under. ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)