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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2003, 08:48 AM:
Rated G ...................Pat
THE OTHER WOMAN
After 21 years of marriage, I discovered a new way of keeping
alive the spark of love. A little while ago I had started to go
out with another woman.It was really my wife's idea. "I know that you love her," she said one day, taking me by surprise.
"But I love YOU," I protested. "I know, but you also love her."
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother,
who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only
occasionally.
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and movie.
"What's wrong, are you well," she asked?My mother is the type
of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise
invitation is a sign of bad news. "I thought that it would be
pleasant to pass some time with you, "I responded. "Just the two
of us."She thought about it for a moment then said "I would like
that very much."
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a
bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she,
too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door
with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the
dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding
anniversary.She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an
angel's. "I told my friends that I was going to go out with my
son,and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the
car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting".
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu.Her eyes could only read large print.Half way through the entrie,I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me.A nostalgic smile was on her lips. "It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said. "Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I respond.During the dinner we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary - but catching up on recent events of each others life. We talked so much that we missed the movie.As we arrived at her house later, she said
"I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you". I agreed.
"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home."Very
nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.
A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack. It
happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything
for her. Some time later I received an envelope with a copy of a
restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I was almost sure that I couldn't be there but, never-the-less, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for you wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you."
At that moment I understood the importance of saying,in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life ismore important than God and your family. Give
them the time they deserve,because these things cannot be put off to "some other time".
Posted by Bill Gabel (Member # 1105) on 07-09-2003, 08:42 PM:
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW Rated PG
A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explans that they can ship the body home but it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, " We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here." The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Posted by Bill Gabel (Member # 1105) on 07-09-2003, 09:25 PM:
The Wonders of the Modern World Rated PG
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time ine their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw , but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "Paw, what's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, " Son, I dunno. I ain't ever seen anything like that in my entire life; I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
Ok, so this is every mans dream! While the boys and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the ladyrolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy, go git yo Momma...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2003, 02:20 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
MOTHERS' MAINTENANCE MANUAL
Many of us take better care of our cars then we do our mothers
and yet we only expect our cars to last 5 or 6 years but we
expect our mothers to last for a lifetime. Maybe we need a
maintenance manual for mothers so we would know how to take care
of them at least as well as we do our automobiles. Here are some
items that might be included in such a manual.
Engine:
A mother's engine is one of the most dependable kinds you can
find. She can reach top speed from a prone position at a single
cry from a sleeping child.But regular breaks are needed to keep
up that peak performance.Mothers need a hot bath and a nap every
100 miles, a baby-sitter and a night out every 1,000 miles,and a live-in baby-sitter with a one week vacation every 10,000 miles.
Battery:
Mother's batteries should be recharged regularly.Handmade items,
notes,unexpected hugs and kisses,and frequent "I love you's"
will do very well! for a recharge.
Carburetor:
When a mother's carburetor floods it should be treated
immediately with Kleenex and a soft shoulder.
Brakes:
See that she uses her brakes to slow down often and come to a
full stop occasionally.(A squeaking sound indicates a need for a
rest).
Fuel:
Most mothers can run indefinitely on coffee, leftovers and
salads,but an occasional dinner for two at a nice restaurant
will really add to her efficiency.
Chassis:
Mothers run best when their bodies are properly maintained.
Regular exercise should be encouraged and provided for as
necessary.A change in hairdo or makeup in spring and fall are
also helpful.If you notice the chassis begins to sag,
immediately start a program of walking,jogging,swimming,or
bike riding.These are most effective when done with fathers.
Tune-ups:
Mother need regular tune-ups. Compliments are both the cheapest
and most effective way to keep a mother purring contentedly.
Oh yes, and let's not forget to speak to mother lovingly and
respectfully, especially when she reminds you to drive carefully
and have a good time.
If these instructions are followed consistently, this fantastic
creation and gift from God, whom we call "MOTHER", should
last a lifetime and give good service and constant love to those
who need her most. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2003, 12:03 PM:
Rated R sonata
Make Me An Uncle!
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother
and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother.
"And why not?" asked Stan.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?"
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient,"C'mon Stan, I want a nephew.Stan, make me an uncle."
Stan couldn't take it anymore.He gave his sister-in-law an
apologetic look and asked his brother,"You're SURE you want a
nephew?"
"Yes," the brother replied."It would be an honor!"
"Well congratulations,you're holding him!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2003, 10:22 AM:
Rated G
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you
tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 05-16-2005, 01:23 PM:
It has been 664 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2005, 01:23 PM:
Rated PG
My wife's mother is the model mother-in-law.
What do you mean?
There is no joke in the entire world which is not suitable for her.
Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now ?
She's fine. But, the dog died.
Hello. Your mother-in-law fell into my pond which has some crocodiles in it.
The crocodiles are yours, so you'll have to save them.
A pharmacist tell a customer.
- In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription.
A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
Mother to daughter.
Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.
[ 03-13-2008, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2005, 01:35 PM:
Rated G to R
In-Law Shorties
The wife phoned her husband in the office and said, "Darling, come home early, we are going to have my mother for dinner."
"Good." replied the husband, "Make sure she's well done."
My mother-in-law's other car is a Broom!
My mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave." I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."
My mother-in-law is a well balanced person. She's got a chip on BOTH shoulders
I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,
I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.
My mother-in-law and I were happy for 20 years,
Then we met each other.
Last night the local peeping-tom knocked on my mother-in-laws' door, and asked her to shut her blinds.
Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife and a surprised mother-in-law.
Does it really surprise anyone that mother-in-law's Day occurs less than one week before Halloween?
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday.
How is she now?
She's fine, but the dog died.
My mother-in-law asked me, "If you hate me so much, why is my photo on the mantle piece (shelf above the open fireplace)?" I told her, "So as to keep the kids away from the fire."
I don't say my mother-in-law is ugly ... but round our way, the peeping toms are giving themselves up to the police.
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
One. She just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around her.
One cannibal says to the other: "I can't stand my mother-in-law."
The other says: "Why don't you just eat the vegetables?"
I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door – the mice throw themselves in the traps.
The doorbell rang this morning. When I opened the door, there was my mother-in-law on the front step.
She said, "Can I stay here for a few days?"
I said, "Sure you can." And shut the door .
What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
The vulture waits 'til you are dead before it eats your heart out.
Last week my wife and I went car shopping, and the salesman asked if I wanted a car with an Airbag.
I said, "No thanks. I already have a mother-in-law."
How are shotguns and mother-in-laws alike?
If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
A pharmacist tell a customer.
In order to buy arsenic you should need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.
Mother to daughter.
Your boyfriend such a jerk that I would be delighted to be his mother-in-law.
Adam and Eve were the happiest and the luckiest couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.
The lawyer cabled his client overseas: "Your mother-in-law passed away in her sleep. Shall we order burial, embalming or cremation?"
Back came the reply, "Take no chances - order all three."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-13-2005, 07:13 PM:
Rated PG
ANATOMY OF A MOTHER
THE HEAD -- Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential parts:
EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child's utterings- i.e. "you suck!", even when spoken under the breath and in another room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of "Hootie and the Blowfish" when preparing dinner.
EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the all-powerful "eyes at the back of the head" tool). Expression should be soft and gentle, yet capable of "shooting bullets" at appropriate times. I, on occasion, use the "I will turn your little butt to salt right here" look in times of extreme stress.
NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not found the "bigger is better" theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually "scent" the time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once- completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt, rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.
MOUTH -- Not quite so large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor so small as Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when "mother" is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit down to eat a full meal at one time- "mom, I need this done now", "mom can you take me here now", "mom where is my....," "mom, come here and look at this!" and the dreaded, "oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!"
SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often during High School.
BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy are they handy! Now I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided, just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate, then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.
STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971. Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself, developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see. Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2005, 03:04 PM:
Rated G
The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong ?" she asked.
The friend told her that she had "morning sickness".
Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
"I'm not." the harried young woman replied. "I'm just sick of mornings."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 10:03 AM:
Rated R
A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
"Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad," gushed son number one. "Sorry, I'm running late... I just didn't have the time to get you a present."
"No worry," said Dad. "The important thing is that we're all together."
Son number two arrived and announced, "Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you anything... I'm sorry."
"It's nothing," said the father, "just glad you could be here today."
The daughter arrived. "Happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but I've been out of town and didn't bring a present."
Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."
Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, "Listen, you three, there's something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married."
The three kids gasped and said, in unison, "You mean we're BASTARDS?"
"Yep," said the dad. "And cheap ones, too!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:35 AM:
Rated G
We were trying to decide where to go for a ski holiday, and the travel agent was showing my parents and me brochures of various condos and hotels.
She explained that all the units with stoves, fridges and dishwashers were marked with SC, which stood for "self- contained" units.
"Nonsense," my mother corrected. "It really means 'she cooks.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 06:44 AM:
Rated G
Our family of four was travelling by car from Pennsylvania to California.
On our third day, we stopped for supper at a restaurant in Oklahoma.
A man sitting at a neighboring table asked my five-year-old daughter where we lived.
"We used to live in a house," she replied, "but now we live in the car."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 07:03 AM:
Rated G
WEALTH
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people can be. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.
On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"
"It was great, Dad."
"Did you see how poor people can be?" the father asked.
"Oh Yeah" said the son.
"So what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four."
"We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end."
"We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night."
"Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon."
"We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight."
"We have servants who serve us, but they serve others."
"We buy our food, but they grow theirs."
"We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
With this the boy's father was speechless.
Then his son added, "Thanks dad for showing me how poor we are."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 12:45 PM:
Rated G
My father's hearing aid occasionally emits a brief high-pitched squeal that can be heard by anyone near him. One day my little niece was sitting on his lap when the device started to beep.
Surprised, my niece looked up at him. "Grandpa," she said, "you've got mail."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
My mother had promised my father she'd close the family grocery store early to be home in time for their 25th-anniversary celebration.
The party was scheduled to start at 7 p.m. and when she still hadn't appeared, Dad called her in a panic.
Mom quickly locked the store and hurried home.
A few minutes after she arrived, she received a phone call, grabbed her coat and rushed out again to the store. When she got there, she found two police cruisers and a crowd gathered outside-- in her haste to get home, she'd locked a customer in the store.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:54 PM:
Rated G
DADDY DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY WITH ME
Once there was a little boy who wanted his dad to teach him how to play catch. One sunny day the little boy's father was sitting on the couch, drinking a beer, while watching a baseball game. The boy rushed into the house exclaiming, "Daddy, daddy, daddy, show me how to play catch!"
The father, blankly starring at the television screen, replied, "In a little while son, let me finish watching this inning, come back in five minutes." "Okay daddy", said the boy and ran out of the room. Five minutes later the boy returned screaming, "Daddy, lets go lets play some catch now!"
The father turned to the boy and said, "Hold on son, the inning is not quite over come back in five more minutes." "Okay, daddy", said the boy as he shuffled out the room. Five minutes later the boy returned ball and glove in hand eagerly awaiting for his father to play some catch.
"Daddy, lets go, I want to be Ken Griffey Jr.!" shouted the boy By this time, the father had cracked open another cold one and another inning was taking place.
Frustrated by the boys constant hindrances, the dad scanned the room. While scanning the room the father notice a magazine underneath the coffee table. On the cover of the magazine was a large picture of the world.
The father, who was angered and annoyed, began tearing the magazine cover in to small pieces. After a few moments, of shredding up the magazine cover, the father turned to his boy and said, "Son, once you put this picture of the world back together we can play catch, but do not interrupt me again until you are done!"
Apprehensively, the boy took the magazine and sulked into his room. As he sobbed, "Okay, daddy I won't". A few moments later the boy returned and said, "I'm done daddy can we play catch now?"
Stunned, the father glanced towards his child, and there in his small hands laid the magazine with the world pieced perfectly together. Amazed, the dad asked his child how he put the world together so quickly.
"It was simple" stated the boy. "On the back of the world was a picture of a person, and once I put the person together that's when their world came together."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 09:21 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My husband, Richard, and I and our two girls recently moved to a new town.
We decided to take the girls to a Halloween party at the local community center. Richard was talking to a new acquaintance and later introduced me to him.
As we were leaving, Richard shook the fellow's hand and said, "Nice to meet you, James."
"That's Benjamin," he replied. "And don't worry. I couldn't remember your name either."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 08:29 AM:
Rated G Gerry
They call it a family tree because, if you look hard enough, you'll always find some sap in it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 01:51 PM:
Rated G
Once upon a time in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my mom mentions what he had done. "Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget that I've forgiven and forgotten."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
My family has a habit of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were use to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it,Max" as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I'll let Tom drive for awhile."
I said "Tom who?"
My mother translated: "Tom Cruise, of course."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 08:19 AM:
Rated G
When our nine-member family got together Mom cooked a twenty-pound turkey, which was nearly consumed by the crowd.
Just before trash day, Mom posted a note on the refrigerator; "Pick on the turkey," to which my recently retired father soon added: "Instead of me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 12:05 PM:
Rated G
While travelling on our family vacation, we stopped for dinner late in the day at a rather expensive-looking restaurant.
When our youngest son ordered his usual peanut butter sandwich, the waitress told him that they didn't serve sandwiches after five.
"Oh, no!" he exclaimed, "I was five on my birthday last week."
She gave him a sympathetic pat on the head and left us mulling over the menu.
A few minutes later she returned - and set a beautifully appointed peanut butter sandwich in front of one very grateful little boy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:47 AM:
Rated PG
A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, "Honey, you do have a sister. You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door."
The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean like my other Daddy does?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 06:37 AM:
Rated G Ellen
I answered the phone on my birthday and as soon as I said hello, my father-in-law sang Happy Birthday to me.
When he finished, I thanked him and said, "It's a good thing you got the right number."
"Well, the first time I didn't," he confessed, "but the lady I reached told me I needed the practice."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:13 AM:
Rated G
The wedding reception for my sister and her husband, Mario, was held in his hometown, so the majority of guests were his friends and family. My dad was anxious to introduce his daughter to the folks of the town so they might get to know Alicia a little better. He proudly enumerated some of her talents, and accomplishments and hobbies, such as fluency in two languages, composing music and poetry, and her ability to play just about any musical instrument.
After Dad sat down, a friend of Mario's stood up. He said he felt something should also be said about the bridegroom, but all he could think of was, "Mario sure has a lot of catching up to do."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2005, 01:59 PM:
Rated G
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack. "Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see." Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast. An indignant yell came from above. Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2005, 08:34 PM:
Rated G
Ours is a large family -- three boys followed by five girls.
Shortly after our oldest brother was married, a visitor asked my five-year-old sister how many children there were in the family.
"Eight," she replied. "Seven living and one married."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Cutie
My mother, who enjoyed playing the piano at all hours of the day and night, answered the doorbell one day to find a man with a small toolbox standing on our front porch.
"Madam," he said, "I am here."
"I can see that," my mother replied. "Who are you?"
"I am the piano tuner."
"But I did not call for a piano tuner," my mother protested.
"Yes, I know," the man said. "Your neighbors did."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 08:17 AM:
Rated R
The other day I was out working on my car in the driveway while my uncle Jack was repairing the roof on his house across the street.
My uncle called my house on his cellphone and told my dad he had accidently knocked the ladder down, so my dad came to the door and yelled for me to go across the street and help my uncle Jack off.
I yelled back OK.
Since then all my friends have been avoiding me.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 11:05 AM:
Rated G
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 11:45 AM:
Rated G
The guy who fears becoming a father doesn't understand that fathering is not something perfect men do, but something that perfects the man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 09:04 AM:
Rated G
When my daughter and I returned to our car, we discovered the headlights on and the battery dead. We called my son.
After he arrived, he connected jumper cables to the dead battery. Unfortunately, because of the way the car was parked, the cables wouldn't reach his battery.
He asked his sister to hold them so the ends wouldn't touch while he drove around the block to position his car better.
She was holding them when a truck screeched to a halt beside us. The driver looked at us incredulously and declared, "You aren't really trying to jump start that car, are you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 09:22 AM:
Rated G
Unruly Child
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 08:20 AM:
Rated PG Lorraine
My father and four of his friends built a waterbed frame for my mother. When they finished filling up the mattress, they all lay on it to test their hard work.
My grandmother came to visit the next day, and my mother showed her the beautiful bed.
She told Grandma to lie on it to see what it felt like. Grandma was reluctant because she's heavyset and thought she might burst the water bag.
My mother turned to her and said: "Don't worry, Mom. You can't possibly break it. Just last night I had five men on it at once."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 07:51 AM:
Rated G
Where have all the Grandma's gone?
In the dim and distant past When life's tempo wasn't so fast, Grandma used to rock and knit, Crochet, tat and baby sit. When the kids were in a jam, They could always call on Gram.
But today she's in the gym Exercising to keep slim. She's checking the web or surfing the net, Sending some e-mail or placing a bet. Nothing seems to stop or block her, Now that Grandma's off her rocker.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 03:49 PM:
Rated G
When the Smith family moved into their new house, a visiting grandparent asked five-year-old Tommy how he liked the new place.
“It’s great,” he said. “I have my own room Alex has his own room, and Jamie has her own room. But poor mom is still in with dad.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 03:33 PM:
Rated G
Aprons
I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for
removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks,and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of
seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the
fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the window sill to thaw. ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:20 AM:
Rated G Betsy
I got even with my parents. My parents came to stay with me for the weekend in my apartment. I made them sleep in separate bedrooms.
My mother said, "What? Are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for years."
I said, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside. But when you're in my house..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:00 AM:
Rated G
Kay and Duane were concerned that their daughter Chris, a college student, would do nothing but party and drink while on spring break in Florida.
When Chris returned home before heading back to college, she mentioned to her parents, "I read To Kill a Mockingbird at the beach."
Duane was pleasantly surprised and said, "That's great, honey." Added Kay, " I'm so glad you found time to do some course work while on break rather than partying all the time."
Chris smiled and said, "Well, I partied, too, so for literature class, I'm calling my paper Tequila Mockingbird."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 10:21 AM:
Rated G
Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.
Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 07:16 AM:
Rated G
After receiving an ivory carving of the Last Supper, my friend Pat displayed it in a prominent place.
When her six-year-old grandson came to visit, he noticed it and wanted to know what it was.
So she told him a little bit about what the artist had portrayed.
Not long after, the boy visited again, this time with some cousins who hadn't seen the carving.
One of them asked what it was. Before Grandma could reply, the six-year-old said, "Oh that's Jesus and the boys out to supper."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 11:34 AM:
Rated G
The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 11:36 AM:
Rated G Chris
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, "How will we keep from getting separated?"
"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.
"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.
"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.
"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2006, 09:15 AM:
Rated G
An old man was very sick. So sick, in fact, that his family was gathered at his bedside. As families will do, they all were trying to cheer him up. "Your color is better," said one son.
"You are breathing easier," remarked another
The old man said, unperturbed, "Thank goodness! It's nice to know that I'm going to die cured!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:07 AM:
Rated G
"Happy Birthday," Wendy sang to her son Mark on his ninth birthday.
"Mom," he said, "this is my last single-digit birthday. Let's party and say goodbye to the end of single digits."
Wendy agreed. She got out her Waterford wineglasses, poured their orange juice, made a toast, and they clicked their glasses.
"To the old days," said Mark.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:44 AM:
Rated G
One evening while I was preparing dinner, my daughter came into the kitchen asking for homework help on her vocabulary words. "Mom," she asked, "what's a quarter horse?"
As I thought of a simple explanation, my five-year-old son piped up, "It's the one they have in front of the grocery store."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 12:57 PM:
Rated G
"Bad Day Sign"
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,
"Today is Nerd Day at school, Pop. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2006, 10:17 AM:
Rated G Betsy
My ninety-eight-year-old mother has kept active and alert, always taking great pride in her appearance.
One day, while looking at herself in a mirror and commenting on a desperate need for a new permanent, she said, "Good grief" I look like I'm a hundred years old."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-21-2006, 11:29 AM:
Rated R
NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR!
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet" she replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 11:10 AM:
Rated G
INSULTED!
When Mark came home, his wife, Sara, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," She sobbed.
"My mom? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Mark grumbled.
"I know. But today a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened and read it."
"Oy. And?"
"At the end of the letter it said, 'PS. Dear Sara, when you have finished reading his letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:24 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A daddy teased his little daughter by suggesting she liked a certain boy in her kindergarten class.
The little girl was quite indignant. "No, daddy, I don't like him!" she stated. "He's only interested in one thing." Shocked, the daddy cautiously asked what that one thing might be.
"Power Rangers, of course," said the toddler.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 08:22 AM:
Rated G Betsy
MOM'S MOTTO
I'm the person who sits up with you when you're sick, and I'm the person who puts up with you when you're well.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2006, 07:24 AM:
Rated G
Parents are worried about the failing eyesight of their two teenagers.
The daughter can't find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can't find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2006, 09:22 AM:
Rated PG
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He would toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.He tried and tried to dig it out, but only succeeded to push it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying, they got worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing, and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father.
The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows up?"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 01:55 PM:
Rated G
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast-feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, "My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:09 PM:
Rated G Bruce
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth. Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:48 AM:
Rated G Lulu
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected I promise'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 10:42 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Ever notice how kids learn to drive a car in no time, but cannot understand the workings of the lawn mower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 08:36 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Son: Dad, what is a weapon?
Father: Why, son, that's something you fight with.
Son: Is mother your weapon?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:22 AM:
Rated G Betsy
A college boy to his mother: "I decided that I want to be a political science major, and I want to clean up the mess in the world!"
"That's very nice," purred his mother. "You can go upstairs and start with your room."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:47 AM:
Rated PG Betsy
I come from a typical North American family. You know, me, my mother, her third husband, his daughter from a second marriage, my step-sister, her illegitimate son.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 10:05 AM:
Rated G Vicky
A baby is....a rose with all its sweetest leaves yet folded.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:36 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Children go through remarkable phases. First they call you dada, then they call you daddy, then they call you dad, then they call you collect.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:46 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Pounds of Love
One evening after dinner, I asked my 6-year-old, "How much do you love me?" He replied, "A million dollars."
"Is that all?" I responded, with a grin. Derek thought for a moment. "I love you all the dollars."
So I asked, "What about the guilders?" and I explained they were Dutch dollars. He smiled and said, "I love you all the guilders, too."
"What about the yen?" I said. After Derek heard yen were Japanese dollars, he said he loved me all the yen, also. We made our way through various currencies until I mentioned the English pound. "Do you love me all the pounds?" I asked.
Derek patted my stomach and said, "I think you've already got all the pounds."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:15 PM:
Rated G Lulu
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.
One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 12:22 PM:
Rated G B.B.
On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup.
"Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!"
My mother and sister explained that it was a beauty kit, not a tackle box.
As I opened it up and showed everyone the eye shadow, mascara, and rouge, my father leaned over to my mother and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 12:25 PM:
Rated G Chris
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.
He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.
He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?"
She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.
He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Our six children all seem to talk at once, and my husband, Clarence, a minister, complains he is constantly being interrupted.
On our way to church one Sunday, it was happening again. Frustrated, Clarence declared: "That's why I preach. It's the only time I get to talk without being interrupted!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 12:49 PM:
Rated PG
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement--not even her parents'
nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later,Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's
new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it,but she refused.
"Absolutely not.I look like a million bucks in this dress,and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,"Never mind
sweetheart.I'll get another dress. After all,it's your special day."
A few days later,they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,"Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the
wedding!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:00 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Dad: Son, if you were out in the country, far from here, and only had a compass, how would you use it to find your way back?
Jimmy: Easy. I'd sell it for a few bucks and then buy a bus ticket home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:08 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While I was putting my reluctant four-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed."
Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant.
"You eat all the good stuff," he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 11:53 AM:
Rated G B.B.
As the seventh of eight children, my son Isaac is used to hand-me- downs. He was very excited on his eighth birthday, therefore, when we took him to a store to choose a watch.
A clerk demonstrated the features to him: "This is the hour hand, this is the minute hand, and this is the second hand."
With that, Isaac's face fell. "Secondhand? I thought we were buying a new one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:23 PM:
Rated G Cece
A young Italian man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
His mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing Ma!! You're right!!!! How did you know!?"
The Italian mother replies, "I don't like her."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2006, 04:58 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Three of my husband's female co-workers took a correspondence course with him, and they met weekly in our home.
I'd get our young son, Zach, off to bed, greet the three as they arrived, then leave with my daughter for a Brownie meeting.
After a couple of months I chanced to meet Zach's kindergarten teacher.She repeated to me what Zach had announced in class:
"Tonight's the night my mom and sister go to Brownies and Dad has his girlfriends over."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 12:33 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
While on vacation, my family and I had to cross a barnyard to reach the boat we used for fishing. Each time, a white goose would follow us down to the pier and be there waiting for us when we got back to the dock.
We took to referring to him affectionately as our "silly goose."
One day we were out on the lake much longer than usual, and because dark falls quickly up north, we soon realized we were lost on the lake and didn't know where the dock was.
Then we heard our "silly" goose honking. And he didn't stop. We followed the sound and finally spotted him on the pier,standing
tall,flapping his wings,directing us back.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A father thought it was about time to lecture his son, who was somewhat scatter-brained and frivolous. "Jim," he said, "You're getting to be a man now and you ought to take life more seriously. Just think . . .if I died all of a sudden, where would you be?"
"I'd be right here, dad," said Jim. "The question is, where would YOU be?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:56 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Vacation time was approaching. Thinking I could use the extra cash, I gladly accepted when a free-lance assignment came in.
During dinner that night, I told my children that the money I'd earn would go a long way towards paying for our holiday. But because the work had to be done in the evenings and on weekends, I pointed out I'd see very little of them in the next two weeks.
"What's the magazine article about?" asked my ten-year-old daughter.
Sheepishly, I admitted, "Motherhood."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My married daughter Penny and I often spend an evening together doing needlework. My husband's curiosity finally compelled him to ask, "Why is it that it always takes two of you to do these little stitching jobs?"
"Well," replied Penny, looking up from her embroidery, "it's an old adage, you know, that two threads are better than one."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2006, 01:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Four months pregnant with my fifth child, I had just dug out my maternity clothes. I was cooking supper when my seven-year-old son came into the kitchen.
His face brightened at the sight of me, and he conversationally remarked, "I see you have your eternity clothes on."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2006, 01:53 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On the morning of her first visit home from college, my daughter stood motionless before the open refrigerator door.
When I asked if she wanted something in particular, she replied, "No, I just enjoy seeing what a full fridge looks like."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 01:20 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Just after Christmas I received a rather general thank-you note from my sister for the present I had sent her.
However, her next letter in mid-March explained that upon receiving my gift, a well- taped box of chocolates, she had immediately put it in the freezer because she had already gained about six pounds that Christmas and wanted to avoid temptation.
One day in March, having lost the excess weight and craving a chocolate, she went to the freezer, mouth watering in anticipation, opened the box, and discovered a frozen black sequined evening purse.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:54 AM:
Rated G
When our third daughter was born, we named her Cadence, the musical term for the two chords that signify the end of a song.
It seemed appropriate. However, six months later we found ourselves announcing that there would be a fourth child.
Inevitably, a musician friend quipped, "I guess you'll have to name this one Coda" - the conclusion of the entire work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:42 AM:
Rated G Tony
Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."
Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.
Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.
"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:56 AM:
A housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"
"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat, the washing machine is broke, I've not been able to get out of the house to shop, I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."
"Now, dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I'll be over in 1/2 hour. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who'll get the washing machine fixed.
In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your *husband*, dear."
"Mom, I don't have a husband."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number."
The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:19 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Travel complications prevented my daughter from being home for her 18th birthday. When she called me from a train station several miles away, I could tell she was depressed.
"Well," I comforted her, "if it makes you feel any better, your dad and I are sitting here looking at your birthday present."
"Oh, Mom," she cried excitedly, "please tell me you're sitting in the driveway!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:36 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
In our family, toys, bikes and clothes are repainted, repaired and mended for the next in line.
I didn't realize the impact this recycling was having on our children until one day our daughter came home from kindergarten saying a classmate had lost her tooth.
I wondered if Mary understood who the tooth fairy was and asked if she knew where her teeth go when she loses one.
She pointed to her 15-month-old sister and exclaimed, "Well, to Janice of course!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:39 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
At 1:00 a.m., loading the last of the fishing gear, Dad realized he had forgotten his car keys on the kitchen table. We didn't want to wake Mom up, so I hoisted myself through an unlocked kitchen window and retrieved the keys.
Trout in hand, we later returned home still laughing about our "cat burglar" escapade. "I'm glad you two had such a wonderful time," Mom greeted us, "but next time, I wish you'd remember to lock the front door before leaving."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 07:37 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The new sweatshirt my son-in-law, Darren, had worn left a blue dye over his upper body. He decided to submerge himself in the bathtub to try to soak it off.
Teddy, my five-year-old grandson, entered the bathroom, looked at his Dad, then left.
A few minutes later the phone rang, and Darren got out of the tub to answer it.
A concerned voice asked if he was all right. Teddy had called 9-1-1. "My mommy's at work," he told them, "and my daddy's in the bathtub, and he's all blue!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:24 PM:
Rated G
Nine of us, all sisters, were travelling out West to celebrate our parents' anniversary.
My oldest sister for some reason felt compelled to tell a security guard at the airport that we were sisters.
"Which order?" he asked.
Just then my youngest sister, eight months pregnant, came around the corner.
"Oh!" the guard exclaimed. "Sisters!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:36 PM:
Rated G
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 02:45 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
"You've Got Male!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:03 PM:
Rated G B.B.
My little boy sometimes had difficult bowel movements. One day, we were browsing together in a novelty and gift store. There were many wooden signs of "words of encouragement" hanging on display.
Suddenly, he pointed to one of the signs and said to me, "Mom, I think we should get this one and hang it by the toilet."
I looked at the sign he was indicating. It read: P. U. S. H.
"Pray Until Something Happens."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:13 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One really cold day in midwinter, my six-year-old daughter was in her room getting dressed. She came out in a sleeveless sundress and asked me, "Is this dress okay, or am I too chilly?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 07:46 AM:
Rated G Betsy
My parents couldn't tell time. When I'd come home from a date, they'd always say, "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 03:46 PM:
Rated G
Ten Things Dad Will Never Say
10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring -- now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.
1. Father's Day? aahh -- don't worry about that -- it's no big deal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2006, 11:37 AM:
Rated G
When my father-in-law passed away, we had to clear out his home.We discarded many items and sold some others, but my husband decided to keep the beautiful but very heavy antique dining-room set.
Our teenaged son helped us wrestle the set into our pickup truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our own dining room.
"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And one of these days, it will belong to you."
"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2006, 12:01 PM:
Rated R Wild Child
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret a nd sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad , she's pregnant. Joan said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the Woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime , we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My son was excited that it was my birthday, and he wanted to share it with his class for show-and-tell. He asked how old I was. I told him I was 33 but that he didn't have to tell his class my age.
That evening I asked him how his day went. He assured me that he hadn't told his class that I was 33. He told them I was 35.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 01:55 PM:
Rated G
A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mom," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:47 AM:
Rated G Julia
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 04:39 PM:
Rated G
Dad's are born without the sympathy gene. You can break your leg, hobble into your house, and all your Dad will do is look over the paper and grumble, "Shake it off!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 11:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Sally's mother asked her, "What did Father say when he found out that you're pregnant?"
Sally said, "Should I leave out the profanity?"
"Yes, of course!" her mom said.
And Sally said, "Well, then he didn't say anything."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:23 AM:
Rated G Andrew
There's no chance that my car will be snowed in this winter, I've got front wheel drive, snow tires, antifreeze, a shovel for the driveway and a son with a girlfriend downtown.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:10 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I work at home, so my four-year-old twin daughters, Maggie and Katie, are used to seeing me operate a computer and fax machine. One afternoon I was watching them have fun on our indoor playset's small slide.
Maggie proceeded to go down headfirst, giggling that she was "faxing" herself.
Not to be outdone, Katie stood at the top of the slide and shouted, "Here comes page 2!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2006, 03:31 PM:
Rated G
A Mother's Wisdom.....
NEVER to be underestimated......
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY . "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2006, 03:25 PM:
Rated G Bruce
My best lesson in child psychology came when I saw our five-year- old, Steven, roughly jerking our poodle's leash.
Suddenly, Steven's fuming father appeared and asked, "Do you want to tell me how sorry you are?"
Steven stammered, "Well, not really... I don't know how much you saw."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2006, 04:55 PM:
Rated PG
This one is for all of you who:
a) have kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said...."Daddy look at this," and she stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy"s gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2006, 08:43 AM:
Rated G
My brother's twin daughters, Betty and Cassie returned home from a shopping trip with their mom wearing new shoes. My brother and I decided to go down to the river to fish, and the girls said they'd like to come, too. "Okay, but change your shoes," their mom said.
While we were walking through mud down on the riverbank, Cassie exclaimed: "Betty! Mom's going to be mad! She told you to change shoes!"
"I did," Betty said. "These are yours."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-29-2006, 02:16 PM:
Rated PG
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his ass again!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2006, 08:49 AM:
Rated G
Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.
Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2006, 03:19 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Always looking for a way to drop a few pounds, I was listening closely to a radio spot for a weight-loss center. The announcer's voice dripped calories as he intoned: "Egg nog, gravy, stuffing, cranberries, apple pie..." He concluded by advising "The average American gains between four and seven pounds over the holiday season."
My 5-year-old son, also listening, turned to me and said, "Oh, Mom, aren't you glad we're Irish?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2006, 08:59 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A young fellow had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said,"Son, I've been real proud.You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said,"You know, Dad,I've been thinking about that,and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied,"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
[ 10-30-2006, 05:21 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2006, 05:21 PM:
Rated G
A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir". "You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" came the reply
"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.
"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have some milk and cookies?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2006, 10:14 AM:
Rated PG
A three year old was examining his testicles while he was taking a bath.
"Mom," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mother replied: "Not yet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2006, 12:18 PM:
Rated PG
A little girl turns to her mother and says, "Mummy, Billy next door has a willy just like a peanut."
"Do you mean its really tiny?" replies her mother.
"No", the girl answers, "I mean it's really salty."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2006, 07:16 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
"Hey Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"
"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."
"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"
"It was a place called 'at home,'" I explained. "Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."
By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.
My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.
I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.
We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a "machine."
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.
Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.
If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren.. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to "sprinkle" clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.
How many do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about Ratings at the bottom.
1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3. Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5. Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before ! the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16. Hi-fi's
17. Metal ice trays with lever
18. Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns
23. Drive-ins
24.Studebakers
25. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:13 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The little boy had been taken for a trip to the zoo by his grandfather and later to a snack shop for some ice cream. When he came home his mother said, "Did you thank your grandfather for taking you to the zoo?"
There wasn't any answer. She asked him a second time and still he didn't answer.
"Jason," she said, "Answer me! Did you thank your grandfather?"
"Yes," the little boy said, "but he said, 'don't mention it!' "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2006, 07:56 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My six-year-old daughter, Camilla, was thirsty and asked her great-aunt, whom we were visiting in California, if she could have a drink of water. They walked over to the fridge, which had an ice-and-water dispenser on the door, and as she filled a glass, my aunt asked, "How do you like our fridge?" Camilla looked at it closely and then said, "We have one at home, too, but ours has food in it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-24-2006, 07:58 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
As the ferry neared our landing, my mother, sister and I got on the boat's elevator to return to our car. We pressed the button for our deck and the elevator started down, but when it reached our level, the doors wouldn't open. Pressing the "door open" button didn't work, so when my sister spotted an emergency phone in the corner, my mother used it.
"Hello... hello! Is anybody there?" she asked nervously.
"Yes," came the reply.
"We're trapped in the elevator, at the bottom level," Mom said.
We heard voices over the speakers, calling for electricians. And then the operator on the phone tried to calm us. "Take it easy, and stay right where you are."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2006, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Most of the cooking in our house is done by my husband, but occasionally I get to make dinner.
One day it dawned on me that our eight-year-old daughter was willing to help me, but not her father, in the kitchen.
I asked her why.
"Well, Mom," she replied,"Dad seems to know what he's doing."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2006, 08:29 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A young boy was very much interested in the progress of his mother’s pregnancy.
Finally the day of birth drew near and the boy overheard arrangements being made for his mother to go to the hospital.
He looked at his mother with great puzzlement and said, “Mom, I don’t understand. If they’re going to deliver the baby, why do you have to go to the hospital?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:21 PM:
Rated G B.B.
One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 04:42 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Grandmom, can I go downstairs and see if Santa came?" my very mischievous four-year-old grandson whispered in my ear at an ungodly hour Christmas morning. I groaned my okay. Seconds later he came bounding back upstairs. "Grandmom, Santa came!" he exclaimed joyfully. "I told you he wasn't watching me!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 09:57 AM:
Rated G Betsy
A little boy came into the house with a wildflower for his mother. "Oh my," she said. "You picked that for me all by yourself?"
"Yes," he replied. "And the whole world was holding on to the other end."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 10:13 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My husband Nate had just bought his dream car, a 1977 red Corvette. From the minute he brought it home, he was either cleaning the interior or polishing the exterior. Then he had the undercarriage oil-sprayed and put an old green blanket on the garage floor under the car to catch any oil drips.
When our son came home from college, Nate showed him his new purchase, and they went for a spin. He explained that the Corvette's smooth, sleek design attracts much attention. Sure enough, the occupants in the first car that passed them stared. As they continued on their route, they kept getting looks from pedestrians and drivers alike. Al was impressed, and Nate was delighted at everyone's reaction to his prized possession.
When they pulled into a parking lot, a man in a parked car stared at them before he got out of his car and walked towards them. Nate lowered the window to better hear the man's compliments about the car. "Do you know you're dragging a large green blanket behind your car?" the fellow asked.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 10:18 AM:
Rated G B.B.
On my birthday I was cutting the lawn when my teenage son came home from a baseball game. Seeing me behind the mower, he exclaimed, "Oh, Dad, you shouldn't have to mow the lawn on your birthday." Touched, I was about to turn the mower over to him when he added, "You should wait until tomorrow!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-23-2006, 11:17 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I listened to the bickering of my children in the backseat of the car. My seven-year-old daughter was in a particularly bossy mood, telling her five-year-old brother where to sit, where to put his toys, how to buckle his seat belt. After putting up with her orders for some time, he finally said: "Who do you think you are? My wife?!?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2006, 01:09 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My friend overheard an argument between his two sons, six and eight years old. They were discussing marriage. The youngest boldly declared, "I hate girls, and I'm never going to get married! "The older boy was more receptive.
"Come on," he said persuasively. "There are lots of good things about being married."
"Name one!" came the challenge.
The boy didn't hesitate. "Well, if you're watching your favourite TV show and the phone rings, you don't have to answer it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 02:12 PM:
Rated G
My brother's twin daughters, Betty and Cassie returned home from a shopping trip with their mom wearing new shoes. My brother and I decided to go down to the river to fish, and the girls said they'd like to come, too. "Okay, but change your shoes," their mom said.
While we were walking through mud down on the riverbank, Cassie exclaimed: "Betty! Mom's going to be mad! She told you to change shoes!"
"I did," Betty said. "These are yours."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 07:53 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A child was on his first visit to the country at his grandparents' ranch and feeding the chickens fascinated him.
Early one morning he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard. He rushed into the house, where his grandmother was making breakfast and exclaimed, "Grandma, come and see! One of the chickens is in bloom!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I found my husband kneeling in front of the dryer. "What are you looking for?" I asked.
He pointed to his feet and I noticed that he was wearing only one sock. He grinned at me and said, "I'm searching for my sole mate."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 01:40 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter and her friend Karen, both in fourth grade, were reading their report cards to me. Karen, very strong academically, read out her teacher's comments, which said if she'd interact with all the students in class, she'd make a "great role model." "Shoot!" Karen exclaimed as she looked up at me. "I wanted to be a vet!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 01:44 PM:
Rated G Marty
The Cunninghams were building a new house to accommodate their expanding family of five. Every night they would visit the new construction to check on the progress. One evening they saw that scaffolding had been erected around the perimeter of the house. Four-year-old Kayla was amazed. She whispered to her parents Anne and Rick, "Look at those monkey bars. They're bigger than the ones at school."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:33 AM:
Rated G
"Happy Birthday"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "68."
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:13 AM:
Rated G B.B.
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."
A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:22 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One of our family's superstitions is that if a fork is dropped, we'll have a lady visitor; if a knife, a man; if a spoon, a child. One evening my five-year-old daughter was drying silverware and I had put the tray close to her on the counter. Suddenly I heard the awful crash of all the silverware hitting the floor. "Mommy!" she cried in excitement, "we're going to have a party!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Our neighbour watched with interest our first efforts at raising chickens. We wanted them to have ample space, so we penned off a large run, and also built them a small house at one end. We felt they lived quite a luxurious life.
When a heat wave struck and the birds showed signs of distress, we hastily draped a tarp over a pole to give them shade. As the chickens settled down under the tarp, our neighbor came over and exclaimed: "Oh, isn't that cute! You've let them go camping."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 11:23 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Dallas courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes, are not capable of beating anyone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:15 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I've got three TVs, cable and a satellite dish; I have three phone lines into the house, a cell phone and one in the car, plus a pager. I use two computers, three ISPs and a fax machine. I subscribe to two daily papers and one weekly one. I watch the news on every channel every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:24 AM:
Rated G B.B.
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2007, 08:10 AM:
Rated G Maggie
While my son and I were visiting grandma, the man who delivers hot meals came. He said he had eight kids of his own.
I said, "I can't imagine dividing my love by eight."
He said, "You don't divide it, you multiply it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2007, 08:12 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I have a reputation for penny-pinching, but I didn’t realize how I had influenced my daughter until she showed me her valentines from school. Reading the name on each card, she separated them into two piles. Then she carefully erased the pencilled signatures in the first pile and brought them to me.
"You can save these for next year, Mommy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2007, 08:24 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While I was visiting a friend, his college-age daughter hurried into the room. She enthusiastically explained her plans for the afternoon and ended with a request for some pocket money. With an exaggerated sigh and roll of his eyes, my friend reached for his wallet. "Maybe you'd like a money tree out in the backyard," he grumbled, winking at me.
Kissing him on the cheek, and with a grin of her own, she replied: "Oh, no, Daddy. We'd never replace you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2007, 11:05 AM:
Rated G
Children would all be brought up perfectly if families would just swap kids. Everyone knows what ought to be done with the neighbor’s kids.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2007, 03:41 PM:
Rated G
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2007, 09:04 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change, and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret
Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. ~Welsh Proverb
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of the television. ~Author Unknown
Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because Granddaddies have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown
Grandmothers hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. ~Author Unknown
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren, I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old. ~Mary H. Waldrip
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your grandmother. ~Proverb
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again. Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida . ~Dave Barry
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for self-defense. ~Gene Perret
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children. ~Alex Haley
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice. ~Author Unknown
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside. ~Author Unknown
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. ~Author Unknown
If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses, sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
Around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. ~Author Unknown
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they can mature at a faster rate. ~Bill Cosby
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie
If you are a Grandparent or not you will enjoy the quotes. If you are not a grandparent share it with one you know!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2007, 09:24 AM:
Rated G Gerry
James and his four-year-old son Anthony saw a huge chicken at the petting zoo. The boy was impressed with the size of the chicken and said," He must be the daddy because he's the biggest." James agreed, adding, "Yeah, and he pecks a lot, too." As they walked away from the area, Anthony saw a little girl about his age. He pointed to the big chicken and warned, "Watch out. There's a really big pecker in there."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2007, 09:33 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I asked my nephew whether he bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes", he said, "I bought her a belt and a bag."
"That was very nice of you", I replied, "I hope she appreciated the thought."
He said, "So do I, and hopefully the vaccuum cleaner will work better now."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 10:49 AM:
Rated G Marty
On average, it's five years before a tree can produce nuts, but this obviously doesn't apply to a family tree.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2007, 09:44 AM:
Rated G Becky
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them complained of family problems.
Finally, the other man said, "You think you have family problems? Listen. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
"Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half- sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife. I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm my own grandfather! And you think you have family problems!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2007, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
On a visit to Alaska my brother stopped the car at the crest of a hill overlooking a deep chasm and we got out. Across the gorge and up a steep bank was a grassy meadow where grizzlies often bask in the sun or dig parka squirrels out of their burrows. The meadow was quiet that day, to my relief, but I betrayed my fears when I remarked that a bear would have a long way to run, down into the gorge and up the slope, to get to us.
"That's true," my brother said, "unless it came from behind." At that moment, Paul turned to look over his shoulder, gasped, and sprinted towards the car. Before I had time to react, he had the car door open, one foot in and was already driving away.
"Don't leave me!" I yelled to my treacherous brother.
Just then he straightened up from his crouched position half in and half out of the car. He looked at me incredulously before explaining, "I forgot to set the hand brake; the car was rolling down the hill."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2007, 09:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One of my identical twin nine-year-old daughters wanted to try on a pair of sunglasses. There was no mirror nearby to help her make her selection, so she turned to her sister and said: "Here, Wanda, try these on. I want to see how they'd look on me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Ken
It's only when you grow up, and step back from your father, or leave him for your own career and your own home, it's only then that you can measure his greatness and fully appreciate it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 09:01 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Soon after my husband retired as an elementary-school principal, he volunteered to take groups of schoolchildren on tours of the local museum.
One morning when a teacher arrived with her third grade class, one boy said: “Oh, look! There's our old principal!”
The teacher smiled up at my husband with a twinkle in her eye and remarked: "Didn't I tell you we'd see lots of old things at the museum?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:10 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
While my daughter, Courtney, was away at college, a new subdivision went up next to our neighborhood. An avid runner, Courtney decided to include it in her daily jogging route, and her first morning home, she laced up her running shoes and was out the door. As she entered the subdivision, she saw a little girl on a tricycle watching her mother plant flowers. Courtney returned the girl's big smile and wave as she ran by, and yelled, "Hi!" She did this each of the five times she ran around the development. As Courtney was passing for the sixth time, the girl turned to her mother. "Please, Mommy," she begged. "Make her stop!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My five-year-old son, Adam, and I spend a lot of time playing school. One of our favorite activities is working on a puzzle map of the United States. As we complete the map, I often quiz Adam on the names of the different states. On one particular day, I asked him what country he lived in. Proudly he declared, "The United States of America Online."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2007, 04:46 PM:
Rated G B.B.
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year- old son and finds him sobbing.
"What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2007, 04:35 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
As my six-year-old son presented me with a dandelion that had gone to seed, he said, "Mom, make a wish and blow off all the fluff."
After I did, he asked what I wished for. "I wished that you will always be healthy."
"Whew," he sighed in relief. "I thought you might have wished that I'd always be good."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2007, 03:14 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I bought new toothbrushes for the family and told my husband his was the blue one, and my daughter that hers was the purple one. The red one was mine. A few weeks later, I noticed my toothbrush was looking much more worn than the other two. So I asked my husband, “What color is your new toothbrush?” “Red,” he replied. “No it isn't,” my daughter piped up. “Mine's the red one!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2007, 09:03 AM:
Rated G George
"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.
The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.
When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
As I stood beside my car, a small dog wearing a bright red sweater ran up to me. His owners, fashionably attired, stopped to ask if the dog was bothering me. I answered no and told them how much I admired the dog's sweater.
"Yes," replied the young lady, "isn't it handsome? His grandmother knit it for him."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:25 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
At a recent family gathering, we borrowed a karaoke machine, I asked my 70-year-old mother what song she'd like to hear.
Her choice was “Unforgettable” by Nat “King” Cole.
Three of us decided to give it a try. Afterwards, I wrapped my arms around mom and said sweetly, “We sang that because we love you.”
“And I listened because I love you!” was mom's wry reply.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:28 PM:
Rated G
One day when I was about ten years old, my 81-year-old grandmother came to stay with us for a few days. After she had settled in, my mom went downstairs to do laundry. My sister and I were upstairs, running and laughing. Suddenly, in a stern voice, Mom called me downstairs. With finger wagging accusingly, she said: "You two have to be quiet! Grandma's tired and wants to rest."
"But...but Mom," I sputtered, "Grandma's chasing us!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-13-2007, 08:31 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
A GOOD OLD GRANDMA & GRANDPA STORY
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said,"I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Gr andpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the Money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow he called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00 "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2007, 03:18 PM:
Rated G Phil Of The Future =
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the
middle of next
week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not
going to the
store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an
accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t
exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
don’t have
wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck
that
way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to
me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
And my favorite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-11-2007, 01:50 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter Macy borrowed my fairly new car while her ageing one was being repaired. Before returning it to me, she took it to a car wash. When it emerged she was horrified to see that the antenna was missing. She immediately reported this, and a long line-up formed as the cleaning crew searched for, but didn't find, the missing antenna. They took Macy's number and promised to call her if it turned up.
As she left the car wash still very upset, she wondered aloud how much a new antenna would cost and how long it would take to replace. Her five-year-old son, Chad, was with her and shared her concern.
Approaching my home, Macy switched the radio on to return it to my favorite station. Chad, seeing the antenna slowly rising, exclaimed, "Look Mommy, it's growing another one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.
To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a career..."
"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A father said to his son,
"When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied,
"When Lincoln was your age, he was President."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:08 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My sister Lori invited some of her friends to the family cottage. To make the trip there easier for her friend Lisa, who was always getting lost, she placed large signs that said LISA, TURN LEFT HERE or LISA, GO THIS WAY at each turn along the route. By nightfall most of the expected guests had arrived...except Lisa. Eventually she appeared and explained how she had finally found the place.
About a half mile before reaching the cottage, worried about not having found it yet, she stopped to ask directions from a couple walking along the road. After they answered Lisa's questions, the woman asked, "Are you Lisa?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:12 PM:
Rated G Lulu
My niece's class assignment was to interview a senior citizen about his or her life, so she asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?"
"I'd have to say the moonwalk," I replied.
She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:19 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
To close each day's activities in summer and on holidays in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World, a huge fireworks display lights up the sky.
One night a small girl about three years old was perched on her father's shoulder. The child sat mesmerized, aware only of what was exploding in the heavens.
When the fireworks were over, the little girl looked up into the sky again and said, "Thank you, God."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A frustrated mother vented, "When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my daughter's room, she has her own color TV, telephone, computer, and CD/DVD player."
"So what do you do?" asked her friend.
"I send her to MY room!" exclaimed the mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 06:38 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. "In ten years," I said, "you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking and swimming with me like you do now." Carolyn shrugged, "In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2007, 05:37 PM:
Rated G Betsy
A family always said grace before dinner. So the father was surprised one evening when the children claimed it wasn't necessary.
"We prayed over this yesterday." they said. "Mom is serving leftovers."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 09:05 AM:
Rated G Ken
One evening after dinner, my five-year-old son Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. In answer to his questions, I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
Brian nodded, indicating that he understood. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2007, 05:27 PM:
Rated G Diana
Dave, my husband, prides himself on his cooking. One evening at bedtime, our four-year-old son, Russell, asked Dave to explain the meaning of the "Lord's Prayer."
When they reached the phrase, "Deliver us from evil," Dave explained that this meant, "Keep bad things away from us." Russell pondered this for a moment. "Does this mean," he asked, "That I don't have to eat some of the things you cook?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2007, 05:32 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A 4-year-old boy was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"
"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color."
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me? ![[uhoh]](graemlins/uhoh.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2007, 05:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait!" ![[thumbsdown]](graemlins/thumbsdown.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2007, 08:30 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his Mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and then wipes it all over his face.
"Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy." His Mom slaps his face and says, "Go show your Father."
He goes to his Dad in the living room and says,"Look Papacita, I'm a white boy." His Dad slaps him hard in the face and says,"Go show your Grandmother."
The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his Mother.
His mother says, "What did you learn from that?"
The boy replies:"I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't like you Mexicans!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2007, 03:47 PM:
Rated XXX Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2007, 01:53 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Despite very little effort on his part, my son Martin had done quite well in third grade. One night he announced over dinner that his friend Robert was the smartest in class and had gotten all A's on his report card. Hoping that my son would realize how some more effort would produce similar results:
I said, "What would you have to do to be the smartest in the class?"
After some thought, Martin replied, "Get rid of Robert?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:33 PM:
Rated G Betsy
My husband and I were dining out with our children one evening. Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back. When she got up to leave, we encouraged Joe to say goodbye. She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night, young man."
Joe looked up at her, with an equally big smile, and said, "Good night, old lady."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2008, 09:23 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Catherine was taking two of her grandsons on their very first train ride from Dayton, Ohio to Washington, DC.
A vendor came down the corridor selling Pop Rocks, something neither had ever seen before. Catherine bought each one a bag.
The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."
"Why not?" replied the curious brother.
"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2008, 09:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding David kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.
"David! David!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.
He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "David!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 02:37 PM:
Rated G Christie
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the
little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 03:02 PM:
Rated G
My wife was in the kitchen pealing potatoes. Our grandson was in there watching her every move.
He finally said, "what are you doing?"
She answered, "Pealing potatoes to make FRENCH FRIES."
He said "OH NO, Grandma, you don't get french fries from potatoes. You get them from McDonalds."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 03:05 PM:
Rated G
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '69.'
He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 04:44 PM:
Rated G
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,'Who was THAT?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 04:47 PM:
[b]Rated G
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.
'The little girl was wide-eyed,taking this all in.At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 04:49 PM:
Rated G
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you
know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
You're both old,' he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2008, 04:51 PM:
Rated G
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
'What's it about?' he asked.
'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2008, 03:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Just a radio, dad, with a sports car around it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 12:56 PM:
While stationed in Baghdad with the US Army's 5th. Infantry, a soldier watched, spellbound as a group of Iragi teenagers played ball (field) hockey in a bombed out street. One of the older boys was absolutely sensational. It was impossible to describe his skills with his stick and his unbelievable moves and scoring ability. Since the soldier was from Detroit, and being an avid Detroit Red Wings hockey fan, the soldier wrote a letter to the Red Wings scouting office encouraging them to take a look at the young "phenom".
The Red Wings did more than just access his ability. They offered him a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join their organization. They hired a private power-skating tutor to teach him how to skate. They hired a former NHL scoring champion to teach him puck control and skills with a hockey stick. The young Iraqi was an eager student and a quick study. He was a natural athlete. Within two years he was ready to join the Detroit Red Wings.
Soon thereafter, the Wings were playing the Ottawa Senators. The Iraqi rookie sat on the bench for the first two periods. At the beginning of the third period, Ottawa was leading the game 4-0. The Detroit coach was desperate. "Hamid" he yelled. "Get on the ice". Incredibly, in the next 17 minutes, Hamid scored five of the most beautiful goals the coach had ever seen. Unbelievable!!! Detroit defeated Ottawa 5-4.
As soon as Hamid came off the ice, he raced to a telephone and called his parents.
"Mother", he cried breathlessly, "I played in my first NHL game today and scored five goals to win the game". "How was your day today?"
In her thick Arabic accent she responded emotionally, "Son, it has been a terrible day. Your father was shot by an assault rifle and died this afternoon. Your brother Mohammed, was beaten badly by a gang of looters. Your young sister was kidnapped and raped by an deranged extremist... and son, you are playing games and I blame all of this tragedy on you."
Hamid, was devastated, "But, Mother, why do you blame me?"
She replied tersely "Because you're the one who moved our family to Detroit!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 07:42 PM:
Rated G Marty
My eight-year-old grandson and his dad went out on the nearby bay to see the humpback whales. When they returned, he was excited at having been so close to the huge creatures. "How close were you?" I asked.
He replied, "One came clear out of the water and sneezed on us!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2008, 05:39 PM:
Rated G
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.'
'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2008, 04:48 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I guess you can get too health conscious...
As a family, we don't keep "junk food" in the house.
Once when my son was eating a snack at his grandparents' house, he asked his grandmother what vitamins they had in them.
She responded that she doubted there were any at all.
He replied wide-eyed, "You mean these are just for fun?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 02:44 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -
Homer Simpson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2008, 04:24 PM:
Rated G Marty
My high-school friends are turning 40 this year, and one invited us all to a retro party.
I was telling my mom, who had taught most of us when we were teenagers and still pictured us that way, about our plans for an all-nighter, complete with wine and rock music.
Mom listened raptly, then said in a concerned tone, "Will any adults be there?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2008, 03:44 PM:
Rated G Diana
My aunt Sherri took her sons Max, three and Caleb, five to swim at the local public pool. They changed into their swimsuits and Sherri led them to the steps at the shallow end of the pool just as a group of elderly women were getting ready to swim some laps. Max stared curiously at them.
"Mom" he said loudly, "How come those ladies have such big..." Sherri hurriedly clamped her hand over his mouth, afraid of what was coming next. "Goggles," came the muffled last word.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2008, 06:26 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On one of my parents’ trips into the city, an argument erupted when Dad became frustrated with Mom for constantly giving him directions. The drive home was made in silence until Dad commented on how long it seemed to be taking. Mom could hold back no longer.
"That’s because you passed the turnoff five minutes ago," she said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2008, 05:05 PM:
Rated G to X
FARM FAMILY
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he 's a little pissed,so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well, his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat
halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2008, 05:13 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
THOSE BORN 1920-1979
READ TO THE BOTTOM FOR QUOTE OF THE MONTH BY JAY LENO.
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer! s, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it wou ld happen, we did not poke out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good .
While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...go ahead and delete this.
For the rest of us...pass this ON!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2008, 09:32 AM:
Rated R
The Maid asked for a raise:
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"
Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "The Master said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"
Maria: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 04:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter is in the first grade and doing very well especially in spelling.
A couple of weeks ago she came home with her new words and we were studying them for her upcoming test.
We came to the word "knit" and I asked her to spell it.
She said, "n-i-t".
I said, "No, try again."
She said, very slowly, "n-i-t".
I said, "I know you know how to spell this word, try again."
Very aggravated and verrrrry slowly (like I was just not getting the whole picture) she spelled, "N-I-T!"
Finally I told her the correct spelling, k-n-i-t.
She looked at me, hands on hips and said, "THE 'K' IS SILENT!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 08:05 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While I was visiting a friend one afternoon, her ten-year-old son arrived home after a week at summer camp, dragging two huge laundry bags. "Mark," his mother exclaimed, "it will take me a whole day to wash all this!"
"Well," he said reasonably, "it took me a whole week to get it dirty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 02:38 PM:
Rated G
A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby.
She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country.
Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and said,
'Go into the other room and see if you can put this
together. This will show you our whole country today.'
After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map correctly fitted and taped together.
The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. 'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 03:26 PM:
Rated G Charles
A SON'S LETTER TO HIS FATHER
Today I turned twenty-one, and I want to tell you some things, Papa: I know I've hurt you when we argue, but you've never hurt me back...because you've always loved me.
I've come home late when you needed me, but you were never late when I needed you at shcool or at college...because you've always loved me.
I used to take it lightly when you were ill, but you've been by my side when I was in sick...because you've always loved me.
You have loved me unconditionally for these 21 years and I know you will until your final breath.
Papa, I love you unconditionally too. You are my role model and my hero.
Paul ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 09:08 PM:
Rated G Philip
I took my 5 year old son, Jeremy, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Jeremy asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Jeremy looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 09:05 AM:
Rated G the little woman
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little snot is adorable.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 12:16 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy voice, I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Peggy and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Peggy."
"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2008, 08:51 AM:
Rated G Vicky
With fire alarms blaring at my mom's apartment complex, she grabbed her favorite bathing suit and ran out. "A bathing suit?"
I said later. "Of all the priceless things in that apartment, that's what you chose to save?"
"Material things come and go," she said. "But a one-piece suit that doesn't make you look fat is impossible to replace.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2008, 04:26 PM:
Rated G Steve
Old Uncle Paddy passed away, and it was up to young Robert to wire the message back home to Glasgow. The cheapest price he could find was ten words for three dollars.
The message reads as follows: UNCLE PADDY DIED YESTERDAY. NO PAIN. SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2008, 10:10 AM:
Rated G
You can give your teenage son your car for his date, you can give him a bonus allowance for his date, you can give him your brand new sportjacket for his date, but you cannot tell him to "Have a good time."
He will probably glare at you and say: "Don't tell me what to do."
- Sam Levenson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:43 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
We were camping with our three young children. After supper one evening my husband took our two small boys, Danny and Billy, fishing, while my daughter and I cleaned up the campsite. About an hour later Danny came running up from the lake screaming:
“Mom! Mom! Billy caught a fish as long as his leg!”
From a nearby campsite an interested voice called, “How big is Billy?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:44 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Our son asked my husband, Warren, if he could borrow some money to buy a car. Warren explained that borrowing money is a bad habit. "Son, I got my first motorcycle when I was 18, and with my own money! I got my first car at 23, and with my own money! And I got my second car when I got married, and with my own money!"
At this point our son interjected excitedly, "So there's no problem...this car would be with your own money as well!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:44 PM:
Rated G Lulu
My wife and I were dining out with our children one evening.
Our four-year-old son caught the eye of a woman at the next table who smiled at him, and he smiled back.
When she got up to leave, we encouraged Joe to say goodbye.
She leaned over and said, with a smile, "Good night, young man."
Joe looked up at her, with an equally big smile, and said, "Good night, old lady."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2008, 12:05 PM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
Grandpa's on the porch again
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch,in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2008, 08:33 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
VISITING GRANDPA!
This ought to make all grandpas feel warm and cozy ?
A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.
'Grandpa, Grandpa,' he says excitedly, 'as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!'
'What?' said his grandpa.
'Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disney World!!!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:27 PM:
Rated G Vicky
The beauty of spacing children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones, which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:34 PM:
Rated G Gerry
A teen began dressing in black, baggy clothes, dyeing his hair, and wearing it spiked.
When his best friend asked about his new image, the first teen confided, "I only have one reason for looking this way. It keeps my parents from making me go everywhere with them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:42 PM:
Rated G the little woman
25% of men kiss their wife good-bye when they leave their house.
99% of men kiss their house good-bye when they leave their wife.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:45 AM:
Rated G Charles
The first thing many a child learns when he receives a toy drum is that he will never get another.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 07:09 AM:
Rated G Diana
During a family picnic, Marcie's two children, Emma, six and Elly eight, were eating watermelon. Suddenly, Emma began to cry.
Marcie asked, "What's wrong?"
Emma said, "I swallowed some watermelon seeds and I'm afraid a big watermelon is going to grow in my tummy.
"Before Marcie could say anything, Elly piped up, "Emma, the watermelon won't grow in your tummy. It'll come out of your butt."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 07:22 AM:
Rated G
A little girl asked her mother,'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 02:10 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. "What are you doing?" he asked her.
She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2008, 12:08 PM:
Rated XXX
Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants.
"Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says.
She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast.
"I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2008, 02:31 PM:
Rated G
All Named Leroy
A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are named Leroy."
"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.
"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply. "Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath. "Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.
Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.
"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last name."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:19 PM:
Rated G Drew
Our granddaughter's Grade 2 class was asked to write about their personal heroes.
Her father was flattered to find out that she had chosen him.
"Why did you pick me?" he asked.
"Because I couldn't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger," she said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:20 PM:
Rated G Drew
I was pleased that the brightly striped sweater I had received as a gift seemed to have a slimming effect on my figure. "That's a pretty sweater, Mommy," my six-year-old son told me. "You look like Wheel of Fortune."
"Thank you, sweetheart," I replied, "But I think you mean that I look like Vanna White."
"No, Mom," he said. "I mean you look like the wheel."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:33 PM:
Rated G Lulu
One morning, when my son was about 19 months, he saw me putting on a pale green face-mask. (Something I rarely do.)
"What 'ou doin'?" he said.
"I'm putting on a face mask," I replied.
"What it for?" he asked.
"It's to make Mummy look more beautiful," I told him.
He stood looking at me in that considering way that small children have, then said as gently as possible, "Well...it doesn't."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:39 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Time passes...Life happens...Distance separates...Children grow up...Jobs come and go...Love waxes and wanes...Men don't do what they're supposed to do...Hearts break...Parents die...Colleagues forget favors...Careers end...BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach...When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end...Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you...Or come in and carry you out...Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did. Short and very sweet:
There are more than twenty angels in this world...Ten are peacefully sleeping on clouds...Nine are playing... And one is reading their email at this moment.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 08:15 AM:
Rated G Diana
My daughter feeds her family a healthy diet, but at my house, I always have little treats for my grandchildren. One Sunday, my three-year-old grandaughter came bursting in with great news for me. "You know what, Nana?" Susan said. "My Mom says I can eat garbage when I'm at your house!"
"That's what makes Nana's house special!" I replied, smiling at my blushing daughter.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 06:09 PM:
Rated G Diana
On Mother's day the first year I was a mother, I decided to entertain both my husband's and my own parents for a Mother's Day barbecue. For dessert, I ordered an ice cream cake, and when the saleswoman asked what I'd like written on it, I replied, "For our moms."
My husband picked up the cake, and neither of us opened the box until the dinner that night. What else could we do but laugh when we saw the words "Four-hour Moms" inscribed on the top of the cake.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 06:22 PM:
Rated G Drew
One morning, a couple approached the observation tower where I worked at Mount Mitchell State Park, in North Carolina. "Young man, can you help us?" the woman asked. "We've looked but can't find the highest peak this side of the Mississippi. All the mountaintops seem to be lower than this one."
Since Mount Mitchell is the highest peak, I replied, "Ma'am, you're standing on it."
"Of course," she said, "How silly of my husband."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-08-2008, 01:08 PM:
Rated R
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked.
'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project said Tommy.
The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.'
'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'
'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.
'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your son!'
The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her three times.
[ 06-16-2008, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 09:33 AM:
Rated G
Where's Mommy?
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?"
In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?"
The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
Carrots, Eggs, and Coffee
A daughter complained to her father about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen. He filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the second he placed eggs, and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word.
The daughter sucked her teeth and impatiently waited, wondering what he was doing.
In about twenty minutes he turned off the burners. He fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. He pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then he ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her he asked. "Darling, what do you see."
"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied. He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, he asked her to sip the coffee. She smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
She humbly asked, "What does it mean Father?" He explained that each of them had faced the same adversity, boiling water, but each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. But after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they changed the water.
"Which are you," he asked his daughter? "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean? "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 02:30 PM:
Rated G Jokester
A Tight Miniskirt
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate, because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day, her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, ''I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.''
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ''We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.''
And the moral of this story is ... always keep your condoms in your car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 11:41 AM:
Rated R
A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
'What's that mean?' asked the child.
'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.'
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2008, 08:08 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My 16-year-old brother, Mike, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father's Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad. After much searching, Mike located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.
Upon opening it, Dad read this message: "You've been like a father to me." He looked at Mike, puzzled.
"Well, Dad," Mike tried to explain, "it was either that or the card that said, 'Now that I'm a father too!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2008, 08:20 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid.
Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father's instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me.
The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi.
I finished the trip safely.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2008, 06:28 AM:
Rated G
Junior was being chided for his low grades. Little Robert, who lived a few doors away, was held up as an example.
"Robert doesn't get C's and D's does he?" asked his father.
"No" Junior admitted, "but he's different. He has very bright parents."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2008, 01:54 PM:
Rated G Diana
It was raspberry-picking time, and my five-year-old son, Luc, three-year-old daughter, Melanie, and I headed to Grandpa's house to help him pick.
As we arrived, Grandma passed out the buckets and containers, but Luc was already in the raspberry patch. "Luc," Grandpa asked him, "would you like a bucket?"
"No, thank you, Grandpa," Luc responded, "I have my mouth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 07:20 AM:
Rated G teddybear
"Fred you lied to me. You took a day off to bury your mother-in- law, and I met her in the park this morning".
"Oh, I didn't say she was dead. I just said I would like to go to her funeral."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 03:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My brother and I are close, and that allows us to be honest with each other. One evening as I prepared for a date, I remarked, "I'm fat."
"No, you're not," he replied.
"My hair is awful," I said.
"It's beautiful," he encouraged.
"I've never looked worse," I whined.
And he said, "Yes, you have."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2008, 07:04 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My husband and I encourage our three children to try new foods, and like most kids, they resist.
On a recent visit to Grandma's house, I asked each of them to sample one of her pickled beets.
Only nine-year-old Joseph was willing to try them. After he'd managed a tentative nibble, Grandma asked, “So, how is it?”
Joseph diplomatically replied, “It would be good, Grandma, if I liked it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2008, 07:06 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Let Your Mother Choose
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. Later, he says, "Okay Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
“That’s amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The mother replies,
“I don't like her”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2008, 07:20 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
A Great Life
Two businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."
The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife.
She asked, "What's his wife's name?"
Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think its Veranda."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2008, 09:44 AM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley
GRANDMAS DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING......
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2008, 10:12 AM:
Rated X Denny in Yonkers
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old,
unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered thatarea and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the fuck are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 07:22 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
At income tax time, I filled out a "deceased" form for my father- in-law who had died at 100 the previous year.
My husband was quite upset when he received a request from the IRS asking for a forwarding address.
We heard nothing further after he advised them it was Resurrection Cemetery, Lot 139.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2008, 11:19 AM:
Rated G Diana
One evening, as my eight-year-old son, Ben was getting ready for bed, we started discussing stages of life: getting a job, owning a house and learning to drive.
As I explained a little bit about each of these things, he asked: "Mom, what is the hardest thing about learning to drive, answering your phone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2009, 12:01 PM:
Rated G Ken
Grandmothers and grandfathers are a little bit parents, a little bit teachers, and a little bit best friends.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2009, 07:17 AM:
A Grandma Story
A nice old story with a different twist- will make you appreciate family.
My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'
....Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-06-2009, 01:12 PM:
Rated G...
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, a major diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.
"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"