This is topic Bad Jokes! in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2003, 11:22 AM:
Rated G ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Boo!
An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew now is busy winding up the estate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2003, 11:25 AM:
Rated PG Yuck!
Q: Secretary : "May I use your dictaphone?"
A: Boss: "No. Use your finger like everyone else."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2003, 12:15 PM:
Rated PG
A middle-aged woman enters her family doctor's office in a frantic state.
She says,"Doctor,I think I'm turning into a horse!"
The doctor,taken aback,replies,"I'm sure you may have SOME
problem,but I assure you no human has ever turned into a horse."
The woman became more insistent and said,"Doctor,look at my
teeth.They're getting bigger and more yellow!"
The doctor calmly replied,"Yes,I see. Your teeth appear a bit
larger and more yellow than your last visit,but I don't think
you're turning into a horse."
Getting more frustrated,the woman said,"Well,I think I'm
getting a mane!Look at all this hair on the back of my neck.
It's grown 5 inches in ONE WEEK!"
Becoming more concerned,the doctor said,"You're NOT turning
into a horse.We'll just shave your neck occasionally."
At this point the woman became considerably frustrated, speaking
faster and louder."Just look at my finger and toe nails! They've become very thick and big.I'm developing HOOVES!"
The doctor in amazement cried,"Holy cow!I've never seen finger
and toe nails THAT big!"
Then the woman pulls up the back of her skirt and said,"And look at this,doctor.My backbone is protruding significantly from my butt!"
The doctor looked in amazement,then started scribbling on a
small piece of paper.
The woman asked,"Are you writing me a prescription?"
The doctor said,"No. I'm writing a memo to my brother-in-law. He works at City Hall.Take this to him and he'll give you a permit to take shit in the street!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 09:57 AM:
Rated G
If you live in a glass house, don't get stoned. ![[thumbsdown]](graemlins/thumbsdown.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 10:05 AM:
Rated G
Mr. Humpty, the president of Dumpty, Inc., said:
"Spring and Summer were rather slow but I have a feeling I'm in for a big fall"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 11:29 AM:
Rated G
Our forefathers guaranteed us the right to the pursuit of
happiness. They should have given us a few clues as to where to
look.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 11:37 AM:
Rated R
The Vatican has decided that it is not a sin to kiss a nun, just don't get into the habit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2003, 01:05 PM:
Rated G Sue Bee
When you're a parent you're a prisoner of war.
You can't go anywhere without paying someone to come and look after your kids.
In the old days, babysitters were paid about 50 cents an hour, and they'd steam clean the carpet and detail your car.
Now they've got their own union. I couldn't afford it, so I asked my mother to come over.
The sitters called her a scab and beat her up on the front lawn.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 06:14 AM:
Rated G Don't Read this Joke ...It's Bad
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2003, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Yuck! Shame on Sue Bee
Several years ago "The Staten Island Advance" had this headline
about a drug case that the Supreme Court was about to review:
HIGH COURT TO HEAR DRUG CASE
Need I say more?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2003, 09:36 AM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
popo
There's a man trying to cross the street.As he steps off the
curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight
for him.The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street,but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back,but the car changes lanes
again and is still coming at him.
By now,the car is so close and the man so scared that he just
freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window.The driver is a squirrel.
The squirrel says to the man says,"See,it's not as easy as it
looks,is it?" ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2003, 09:51 AM:
Rated G Baby Blues
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The
man was astonished, but he went on.
After awhile he was going to cross the street. Once again the
voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came screeching
around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And just where were you when I got
married?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 07:12 AM:
Rated G ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
VA man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a
birthday/anniversary card.
The clerk replied,"We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards.Why not take one of each?"
The man said,"You don't understand. I need a card that covers
both events. You see, we're celebrating the 25th anniversary of my wife's thirty-ninth birthday!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 07:34 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows." ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man walked into an office building after parking his car.When
he gets on the elevator, he says "Oh no! I left my bagpipes in my car! Somebody might steal them!"
Back to the car he runs, and sure enough,when he gets to his car the back window is smashed out.
But, when he looks in the back seat, he finds four more sets of bagpipes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2003, 12:29 PM:
Rated G
Terrible Ghost Jokes
What did the ghost shake at the party?
Her boOoOo-ty
Who was the ghosts favorite former UN Secretary General?
BoOoOo-trous BoOoOo-trous Ghali
What disease frightens ghosts the most?
BoOoOo-bonic Plague
What do ghosts use to make beef or chicken broth?
BoOoOo-llion cubes
What sound do crying ghosts make?
BoOoOo-hoo
What was the ghosts favorite TV show?
BoOoOo-ffy the Vampire Slayer
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 03:04 PM:
Rated G
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2003, 09:10 AM:
Rated S for Stink's:
This is a test joke. It is only a test and not to be a real joke. You can safely ignore this test. No laughter is expected or required. ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2003, 06:06 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
I was driving down a lonely Colorado country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great
idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of wind-chilled vipers??
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2003, 11:29 AM:
Rated G For the Kids
What happened when the teacher fell in the copier?
She was beside herself.
Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do!
What do you call death by pig stampede?
Sooey-cide.
Why do you look out the window in the morning?
Because you can't see through walls, and you can't see anything at night anyway.
Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof?
He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.
Who is always your friend at school?
Your princi-pal.
At school, I saw my principal walking around in a daze. I asked him what happened, and he just looked at me and said, "I've lost my faculties!"
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What kind of bar do fish go to?
A sand bar.
My dog has no nose.
That's terrible! How does he smell?
Awful.
What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?
He gobbles up.
What do modern artists eat for breakfast?
Surreal.
Holy Kleenex, Batman! He was right under our nose, and we blew it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-17-2003, 08:18 AM:
Rated XX ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
A man went to one of those official government buildings to get a
driver's license. After waiting in lines all day,he became
rather peeved when he finally got to a clerk.
"I need a Fuckin' license," the man mumbled.
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," the clerk said, "did you say you
needed a hunting license?"
"No," said the man, "I just need an ordinary Fucking license."
"Oh," said the clerk, "you mean you need a license to Fuck."
The man was astonished for a moment, and finally asked "Is there
really such a thing?"
"Of course there is," said the clerk, "It used to be called a
marriage license, but the politically-correct term now is 'a
license to Fuck.'"
The man was quite surprised to hear this,and forgetting his
odyssey in search of a driver's license,he decided that he would
never believe that there was such a thing as a license to Fuck,
unless he saw it for himself.
"Well, yes, that's what I want," he told the clerk, "I want to
get a license to Fuck. Where do I go to get it?"
"Go down this corridor and into the second room on the right,"
said the clerk.
So the man followed the instructions and went into a large room
with many people, most of whom were police officers,waiting in a long line. For a while he unsuccessfully looked around for a sign that would satisfy his curiosity about the license to Fuck, and he began to think that the clerk was joking, but then he realized how absurd that thought was.He knew he could never be satisfied unless he found out whether there really was such a license,so he timidly approached a rather pleasant-looking police officer at the end of the line,and asked, "Excuse me, sir, but is this the line for the license to Fuck?"
"No," said the officer, "that line is over there.This here is the line for the license to kill."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2003, 03:14 PM:
Rated G
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
Daryl- that was me with you.
[ 04-26-2003, 04:22 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Daryl C. W. O'Shea (Member # 1303) on 04-26-2003, 03:38 PM:
I've seen that happen!
Of course the bar had been drank dry and we were headed to the next bar.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-06-2003, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their
task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and
admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed.
The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in
for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the
back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for
armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This
goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy.
He stands up and says "My name is Luke, but I'm not telling you
what I'm in for"
The group leader says "Now, come on Luke, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did."
"Ok then. I'm in for fucking dogs."
Everyone is disgusted!
They all shout "What??!! How LOW can you get!"
"Well...I did manage do to a dachshund one time, but I had to
lift her back legs up a little", Luke replies.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Really Bad Jokes
Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?
She wanted to be a nurse.
When is a school paper not a school paper?
When it's turned into the teacher.
What do flies wear on their feet?
Shoos.
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
What is a dentist's favorite musical instrument?
A tuba toothpaste.
Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school?
Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What do you say when a dog runs away?
Dog-gone!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2003, 11:58 AM:
Rated G
R. Boles was an amazing man. Every day, he would climb a palm tree and fly it to work. Word got to the military about the abilities of this man. They brought him to the base to see if the rumors were true and if his abilities might be used. The man was worried because he could see no palm trees. But nobody would listen. They told him, "Trees is trees, right?"
Anyway, they brought him to the general, who wanted him to demonstrate what he could do. He said, "But sir, this is an elm tree."
But the general snarled back, "Trees is trees, right? Now get in that tree, and fly."
The man climbed the tree and tried to fly it. He tried and tried again, but the tree wooden even budge. The general got impatient. "What's the matter, son? Can't you fly trees?"
"Sir, that's what I've been trying to tell everyone. I'm a palm pilot!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 03-19-2008, 01:10 PM:
It has been 1737 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:10 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony?
ANSWER: Unemployed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:17 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar and got twelve months?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:23 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:27 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A lot of money is tainted: "Taint yours", and "taint mine".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:31 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!"
The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say HISTORY."
The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2008, 01:42 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I'd been hired to paint a woman's living room, but every time I put another coat of paint on the walls, my client changed her mind about the color. After the third time, it still wasn't right. So back to the paint store I went.
As I painted the fourth coat on, she commented, "It seems like you're painting faster."
I replied, "No, the room has actually gotten smaller."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 08:22 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?"
she asked.
The rabbit replied:
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied
"Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said,
"I'm westing."