Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE: Cities

This is topic Cities in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://ft-forum.com/ft/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=000123

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2003, 06:30 PM:

Rated G You know you're from Cincinnati if:

a. Someone mentions a three-way,and you think of chili instead
of sex.

b. Instead of saying "what?" or "huh?" you say "please?" confusing everyone.

c. Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union
(United Dairy Farmers).

d. You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball
Hall of Fame.

e. You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know
what to do with.

f. You somehow have a soft spot for Marge Schott.

g. It doesn't seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al.

h. Your favorite Coney Island isn't in New York.

I. You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.

j. You know how Jerry Springer got his start and you're afraid
to say he was mayor.

k. Your elders grew up in some type of "place" ie: ...Madison
Place, Elmwood Place.

l. You know what a pony keg is.

m. You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer,
Guckenberger, Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering.

n. You know what brats and metts are, and you've probably
tasted goetta.

o. You know that Frisch's is THE place to eat all things
tartared and someone you know grew up cruising the Mainliner!

p. An all-boys or all-girls school doesn't seem that odd to
you -- (since there's probably one in your neighborhood, and maybe you even went to it).

q. You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a
West Sider.

r. You know what cream soda is, and you think that it should be
bright red.

s. You actually understand the word, "CRAVE" and white castle
burgers.

t. Someone says "Norwood" and you automatically laugh --
(unless you actually live there).

u. You can visit California, Lebanon,and Moscow -- and go Over-
the-Rhine all in the same day.

v. You hate Cleveland (even though you've probably never been
there).

w. You think Kentucky is only slightly more civilized than
Afghanistan.

x. You know in which state the Greater Cincinnati Airport is
actually located.

y. You can almost name the seven "hills" minus one or two.

z. You know the Zoo has a distinct breed of tiger with a brand
new cage. It has claws, fangs, and growls but can't defend itself worth crap. It's called The Cincinnati Bengals. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2003, 06:09 AM:

Rated G Sue Bee

Sacremento

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - The Sacramento jury commissioner's office
warned that if Lucille Marie Gordon did not show up to her
allotted jury duty date, there would a bench warrant out for
her arrest. Caryn Gordon thought this was hilarious. Why?
Because Lucille, or Lucy, is her dog. Last year, the chocolate
Labrador retriever received a summons for jury duty in Sacramento
Superior Court. Caryn read the summons and sent the form back in,
writing where it reads,"affidavit for disqualification," she put,

"Lucy is a dog" and sent it in.Earlier this month,Lucy got
another summons.When Caryn called the office, the employee
claimed they had heard every excuse imaginable.

Caryn ended up having to show proof that Lucy might not serve too well on the jury,especially if a cat was the defendant. [Big Grin]

Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 05-08-2003, 02:08 AM:

Newcastle and Sunderland (rated U).

Note for non-UK readers: these are two cities in the north-east of England, 12 miles apart. There is intense rivalry between the two populations, largely related to their opposing football teams. A new commuter railway (Metro) has recently been opened linking the two cities.

A blind man from Newcastle finished work and went to the Metro station intending to travel home to the coast. However, the new extension to Sunderland had just been opened, which confused his guide dog. Unknown to the blind man, his dog mistakenly led him onto a train for Sunderland. When they got out at the other end, the dog was very confused by the unfamiliar scenery, but knew that his master liked a beer after work. So he led him into the nearest pub.

Believing that it was his local, the man went up to the bar and began, 'Have you heard the one about the Mackam [a native of Sunderland] who went to a Match at St. James' Park [the main football stadium in Newcastle]?'.

There was an awkward silence. Several seconds later the blind man felt a tap on his shoulder. 'Excuse me,' began a voice, 'but I think you should know that the barman is 6'9" and has biceps like an artillery shell. And he's from Sunderland.' Before the blind man could respond, the voice continued, 'And that bloke sitting to your left has a pit-bull and two rottweilers. He's also from Sunderland. Finally, there's me. I'm a three times world champion prizefighter and I've decked Joe Bugner with my bare hands. And I'm also from Sunderland. So, err, do you really want to continue telling that joke?'

The blind man thought about this for a moment and then replied, 'On second thoughts you're probably right. I'd only have to explain it three times - six if you count the dogs - and I really can't be bothered.'

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2003, 12:23 PM:

Rated PG New York City

Fletcher Vrendenburgh, director of the New York City government's customer-service office, was fired for posting a Web site essay on how "dumb," "whining" and "stupid" he thought New Yorkers and city workers are (December). [Big Grin]

[BBC News, 3-31-03] [St. Petersburg Times, 3-9-03] [New York Post, 12-27-02]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2003, 08:11 AM:

Rated G Lorraine

Yunz are from Pittsburgh if . . .

You walk carefully when it is "slippy" outside.

You've told your children to "red up" their rooms.

You've gotten hurt by falling into a "jaggerbush."

Your mother or grandmother has been seen wearing a "babushka" on
her head.

You've "warshed" the clothes.

You know you can't drive too fast on the back roads, because of
the deer.

You know Beaver Valley, Turtle Creek, Moon, Mars, Slippery Rock,
Greentree and New Castle are names of towns.

A girl walks up to three of her girl friends and says, HEY GUYS" You hear "you guyses", and don't think twice.

You know the three rivers by name.

You remember the blizzard of 1994 and remember not being able to
go outside because the snow was over your head and you would have suffocated.

You drink pop, eat hoagies, love perogies and city chicken.

You know what a "still mill" is.

You expect temps in the winter to be record breaking cold and
temps in the summer to be record breaking hot.

You know what Eat'N Park is and frequently ate breakfast there at 2:00AM after the dance.

You didn't have a spring break in high school.

You spent your summers at Kennywood,Sandcastleor Idlewild....and now,"The Waterfront" at Homestead.

You've been to the Braun's Bread Plant for a school field trip.

"Chipped ham" was always in your refrigerator when you were
growing up.

You refuse to buy any condiments besides Heinz.

Your last name has 8 or more letters in it (2 of them are a 'Z'
and/or a 'U') and nobody can pronounce it.

Food at a wedding reception consists of rigatoni and stuffed
cabbage. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2003, 07:09 AM:

Rated G New York City

As a student driver in New York City,I was taking the road test
for my driver's license. When someone cut me off,I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control."You have a lot to learn," said the inspector.

At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm
while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned,I
accelerated,but the car behind sped up and cut me off.That did
it!I hit the horn as hard as I could.

The inspector turned to me,smiled and said,"Now you're getting
the hang of it." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2004, 04:01 PM:

Rated G New York, New York

A pollster was taking opinions outside the United Nations building in New York City. He approached four men waiting to cross the street: a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a resident New Yorker.

He asked, "Excuse me, I would like to ask you your opinion on the current meat shortage?"

The Saudi replied, "Excuse me, but what is a shortage?"

The Russian said, "Excuse me, but what is meat?"

The North Korean replied, "Excuse me, but what is an opinion?"

The New Yorker replied, "What is excuse me?" [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2004, 08:28 AM:

Rated PG New York City

You Know You're A New Yorker When...

You ride in a subway car with no air conditioning, just because
there are seats available.

You are going home from work by subway and you know exactly where on the platform the doors will open that will leave you right in front of the stairways at your home station.

You refuse to eat any pizza slice that can't be folded in half so that you can eat it while you walk.

You cringe at hearing people pronounce Houston St.like the city inTexas.

Paying 7 dollars for cigarettes will eventually seem reasonable.

Someone passes out on the train and you think,"Why does he have
to die on MY train? Now this is going to make me late for my
appointment."

You start thinking that a 500 square foot apartment is large.

Your co-worker commutes 45 minutes by train to a 2,000 square foot house in the suburbs that was the same price as your 500 square foot apartment that you commute 15 minutes by subway to...And you think: "sucker".

You know the differences between the various Ray's Pizza
establishments.

You know who Dr. Z is... (inside joke...we NYers get it)

You long for Manhattan's pre-Giuliani dinge, even if it meant crack smokers in the subway and the homeless peeing in the hallway.

You wouldn't dream of going to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

Your internal clock and daily calendar are permanently set to know when "Alternate Side of the Street" parking regulations are
suspended or in effect.

You know what a bodega is.

You freak out because a stranger approaches you and says hello.

You learn how to fold the New York Times in-half, vertically, so
that you can read it on the subway or bus without knocking off
other passengers' hats.

You pay "only" $230 a month for car insurance.

You visit friends out of town and you can't get to sleep because
the quiet freaks you out.

You remember Kung-Fu Saturday afternoons on pre-FOX Channel 5 and Abbott and Costello Sunday mornings on pre-WB Channel 11.

Having a window in your apartment is considered a luxury and not anecessity.

The names Crazy Eddie, Tom Carvel and Joe Franklin bring a smile
to your face.

You looked forward to riding the subway to read the next
installment of Marisol and Julio.

The deli guy gives you a straw with any beverage you buy, even if it is beer.

You're making $70,000 and you're just "scraping" by.

Nothing is north or south, it's uptown or downtown.

And finally:

You take harsh criticism of the city by a non-New Yorker as a
personal insult,but readily accept and often agree with the same criticism coming from a fellow New Yorker. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-12-2004, 09:50 AM:

Rated G Michele

Forth Worth's interim school superintendent James M. Bailey, speaking at a city-wide PTA luncheon, assured members that he was always happy to hear from them about problems.

He told them, "You can call me day or night, at this number . . ."

Suddenly there was a cry from assistant superintendent Joe Ross. "Hey," he exclaimed, "that's my number!" [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 12:27 PM:

Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. CA.

CHICAGO

Great stories

STORY NUMBER ONE

Many years ago,Al Capone virtually owned Chicago.Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason.Eddie was very good! In fact,Eddie's skill at legal maneuvering kept Big Al out of jail for a long time. To show his appreciation,Capone paid him very well.Not only was the money big, but also Eddie got special dividends.For instance,he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day.The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocities that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything:clothes, cars and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.And,despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence,there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name and a good example.

One day,Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision.Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this,he would have to testify against The Mob,and he knew that the cost would be great.So,he testified.
Within the year,Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street.But in his eyes,he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer,at the greatest price he would ever pay.Police removed from his pockets a rosary,a crucifix,a religious medallion and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.

Now is the only time you own.
Live, love, toil with a will.
Place no faith in time.
For the clock may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO

World War II produced many heroes.One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare.He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission.After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank.He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly,he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold,a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenseless.He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet.Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do.He must somehow divert them from the fleet.Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety,he dove into the formation of Japanese planes.

Wing-mounted 50 caliber's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another.Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent.Undaunted,he continued the assault.He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally,the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.Deeply relieved,Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier.Upon arrival he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.

The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale.It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II,and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade,and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.So the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International,give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor.It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO, WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:56 AM:

Rated G Las Vegas

I found out today through my friends that Las Vegas is home to the world's largest strip club -- "Sapphire".

It has 70,000 feet and 400 topless dancers. It's like Hooters meets Costco. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2005, 03:14 PM:

Rated G Twin Cities

You know you're from the Twin Cities* if. . .

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating class went to the University of Minnesota.

You know more than one person who has hit a deer.

You know what and where Dinkytown is.

Perkins was a popular hangout in high school.

You have no problem saying or spelling Minneapolis.

You can list all the Dales.

You hate Fargo (the movie) but realize that a lot of your family talks that way.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been cancelled because of snow or cold.

You assume when you say "The Cities" people know what you are talking about.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.

Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a Minnesota car.

You know what uff-da means and how to use it properly.

You're a loyal Target shopper.

You've licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks, to buy beer on Sundays or you got bad directions.

You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.
You remember WLOL and WDGY.

You have been lost for more than an hour in St. Paul.

When you talk about the opener you are not talking about cans.

You have gone trick or treating in 3 feet of snow.

You know that when it comes to AM, there is only WCCO.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink pop, not soda.

In a conversation you heard someone say "Yaa, sure, you betcha" and didn't laugh.

Everyone you know has a cabin.

You know that Lake Wobegon isn't real and you know who made it up.

You voted for a pro wrestler for Governor...and he won. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:03 PM:

Rated G Houston

City officials just announced the official Houston 2005 Hurricane Evacuation Plan:

Hispanics use I-10 West to San Antonio

Cajuns use I-10 East to Lafayette

Rednecks use 59 North to East Texas

Republicans fly to Washington, DC

Democrats use 45 South to Galveston

Longhorns use 290 West to Austin

Aggies use Loop 610 [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:16 PM:

Rated G New York City

"Shootings are up in New York City. Don't kid yourself, I'm worried about it. Just this morning I got in my cab and the driver was wearing a Kevlar turban. Wait...that was the driver's name."

--Dave Letterman

Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 10-30-2005, 03:39 PM:

Rated G (ish) South African immigrants in London

A man went into a pub in Wimbledon, bought a beer and sat down at the bar. Next to him was a recently arrived South African, who was nursing a pint of Young's. When he finished it, he produced a gun, threw the glass in the air and shot it, thereby causing it to disintegrate in a shower of fragments. Needless to say, this produced some strange looks around the bar. 'Err, sorry', he said, '...it's an old Voortrekker tradition. You see, back home in Seerf Effrika, we have so many glasses, there's no need to use the same one twice.' After the barman had cleared the shattered glass up, the South African asked for a pint of Fuller's. 'What was wrong with the Young's?' asked the Englishman. 'Nothing', replied the South African. 'But in this pub, they have so many beers on tap, there's no need to drink the same one twice.' The Englishman then took the South African's gun, and without hesitating shot him three times through the head. As the South African's body fell to the floor with a resounding thud, the Englishman turned to the barman and explained, 'The good thing about this town is that there are so many ruddy South Africans here, there's no need to drink with the same one twice.'

Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 12-19-2005, 09:52 PM:

Rated G with a chance of PG [Smile]

From this week's City Life (the best of the surviving local alternative rags):

quote:
I Got Your Slogan

BY BRIAN ROUFF

I see where our friends at the Review-Journal are running a contest to choose a successor to "What happens here, stays here." And not a moment too soon. With every strip joint, car wash and corner bar offering up "clever" mutations, it's clearly time for a change. Being an old ad guy, I thought I'd weigh in with some suggestions of my own.

Las Vegas: Better than Detroit. Straightforward, honest, flexible. Works with virtually any major American city.

It's the Gambling, Stupid. Bill Clinton rode his version to two terms in office. If it's good enough for him, who are we to turn it down?

You're Broke, Hung Over and Pissed. Now Go Home. Coming to Las Vegas must be a lot like childbirth. You forget the pain between visits. How else to explain the 280-mile parking lot that is the I-15 after a three-day weekend?

Where Luck Goes to Die. Truth in advertising. Like the man says, "They don't build these resorts by giving money away."

More Than Thirty Million Schmucks a Year Can't be Wrong. Taps into the herd mentality. Straight out of Marketing 101.

We've Got What it Takes to Take What You've Got. You want slick? This one is positively Kennedy-esque.

It's the Shit. Targets the all-important 21-30 crowd.

Britney Was Here. See above.

Steak & Eggs. 'Nuff Said. For the blue-collar demographic.

Ninety Miles from Yucca. Sure, it's on the if-come. But it can't hurt to have this one in the can. Bonus points for turning a negative into a positive.

Bring Your Own Bottle (of Water). Another forward-thinking campaign if the drought continues.

When the Fun Stops, Call 800-522-4700. Courtesy of the legal department.

Bend Over. Sometimes the simplest ideas are the best. Pure magic. Just picture the TV campaign.

It Ain't Pretty. What's better than hitching our wagon to a hit song? Move over "Viva Las Vegas." Here's our new anthem.

And there you have it, as we say in the biz. But don't take my word for it. Find out for yourself. Invite some friends over, break open a bottle of Jager, and watch the ideas fly. You might create the next great Las Vegas slogan. Think of the fame. Think of the opportunities. Think of the money. If you play your cards right, R&R Partners just might send you a dollar.

BRIAN ROUFF IS THE AUTHOR OF THE LAS VEGAS NOVEL MONEY SHOT.

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:30 PM:

Rated G New York City

The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:16 AM:

Rated G New York City

"Good news for out-of-towners. Crime in New York City is at an all time low. The bad news is that it's our leading industry." --

--Dave Letterman

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:32 PM:

Rated G cutie pa2ti

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. [Big Grin]

~David Letterman~

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:22 PM:

Rated G cutie pa2ti Washington D.C.

Q: When was the site of the Washington Memorial - completed in l885 - first proposed?

A: In 1791, in Pierre L'Engant's original master plan for the District of Columbia. [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2006, 03:12 PM:

Rated G Lorraine Lowell, Ma

A snobbish Bostonian approached James Whistler at a party one evening. "And where were you born, Mr. Whistler?" she asked.

"Lowell, Massachusetts," replied the painter.

"Whatever possessed you to be born in a place like that?" exclaimed the lady.

"The explanation is quite simple," said Whistler. "I wished to be near my mother." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 08:04 PM:

Rated G Quirk

"New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park and take a ride in one of our rat drawn carriages."

-Dave Letterman

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2007, 12:50 PM:

Rated G Washington, D.C.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Wasgington,D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossable," said the tourist. N o one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," said the guide. "A dollar went a lot further in those days." [Big Grin]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2007, 09:32 AM:

Rated G Philadelphia

The name of a Chinese deli in Chinatown, Philadelphia: "Side Wok Deli." [Smile]

Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:14 PM:

Rated G Marty

The only reason Washington is the nation's capital is that Boston was too far north, Philadelphia didn't want New York. New York didn't want Philadelphia, and nobody had yet heard of Las Vegas. [Big Grin]

Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 11-13-2011, 08:36 PM:

It has been 1720 days since the last post.