This is topic Truck Driving jokes in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-16-2003, 02:36 PM:
Rated R and X
Okay, if Bob Maar can get 50,000 posts from jokes, I should be able to rack up at least 1,000. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Since I earned my Class A CDL (Commercial Driver's License) and am now a trucker, here are some recycled truck driving jokes.
Incidentally, some of these are reworkings of old jokes I'm sure Bob's heard already, but they are new to me. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-16-2003, 02:43 PM:
OOpss, got called out.. will post later. Sorry. ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 12:23 AM:
A driver came into a truckstop and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought it to him, and he said, "Hold on, there's a hair in my soup!" The waitress apologized and said she would go get him another bowl, but the trucker resisted and said, "No, I don't want another one, I don't want a t-bone steak, I don't want a thing! And I'll tell ya another thing, I'm not going to pay for that soup, either!"
The driver got up, walked out, and went straight across the street to a whorehouse. The waitress shortly followed him and asked her friend, the madam, if she could keep an eye on the trucker because he'd been so unreasonable at the truckstop.
The waitress went down the hall, slowly opened a door, and there was the trucker, going down on a girl. The waitress flung the door open and said, "You no-good son of a bitch! You wouldn't pay for that soup because of a lousy hair, NOW LOOK AT YOU!"
The driver raised his head and said, "Yes, that's true, and if I find a noodle in here, I ain't payin' for this, neither!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 12:31 AM:
Truck driver was snowed-in up at a truckstop in the north. Towards the end of the first day, he asked the operator if he knew anywhere he could get some action. The truckstop operator said, "Well, there ain't too many women around here. We usually just screw ol' Wong the Chinaman."
The truck driver said, "I don't go for that shit!"
Next day, the driver was getting fairly impatient, so he asked the operator again, "Are you sure there's no where I can get some action up here?" The operator said, "No, not really. Like I said, you can always screw ol' Wong the Chinaman."
Driver said, "I don't go for that shit!"
Another day passes with no end of the snow in sight. The driver is in a frenzy, so he goes into the truckstop again and says, "You know the other day when I said I didn't go for that shit? Well, suppose I decided I did go for that shit... what would it cost me?"
The operator says, "Oh, about $60." "Sixty dollars?!" The trucker was incredulous. "Why's it so high just to screw ol' Wong the Chinaman?" The truckstop operator said, "Well, it's $20 for Wong, and $20 apiece for me and my assistant." The driver asked, "Why in the world do I have to give you forty dollars?!"
The operator said, "You don't understand. First, we have to catch ol' Wong and hold him for you, ol' Wong don't go for that shit, either!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 12:49 AM:
How do you filet a fly? Open the zipper and pull the bone out. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 12:51 AM:
Did you hear about the student truck driver who spent 3 days in a hardware store looking for a CB handle?
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 12:55 AM:
Dumb blonde goes into a hardware store looking for a wall anchor. The clerk says, "You want a screw for that?" The girl says, "No, but I'll blow you for that clock radio up there on the shelf."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 01:16 AM:
A driver went to the doctor for his DOT physical. After a brief examination, the doctor said he had good news and bad news.
The driver asked for the good news first, so the doctor said, "Your penis has grown 4 inches since the last time you were here." The driver said that was wonderful, and then asked for the bad news.
The doctor said, "It's malignant."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 01:25 AM:
A fellow went to a confessional, and a priest came in on the other side. The man said, "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Tonight, I screwed 14 different women." The priest was flabbergasted and said, "My word! 14 women? Are you married?" The man said, "Married? I'm not even Catholic, but I had to tell somebody!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-17-2003, 01:34 AM:
Two truck drivers were laid over in Las Vegas and they decided to take in a burlesque show. As the chorus line came on stage, the first driver nudged the other and said, "Hey! Hey, Alfie, you see that redhead up there on stage?" "Yes, George, she's pretty hot." "Well, I've had her, Alfie, I have. I've had that redhead before."
The show went on and George again nudged Alfie, saying, "Hey, you see that brunette out in the front up there?" "Yes, George, I do." "Well, I've had her, Alfie, I have. I've had that brunette before!"
Presently, a beautiful, statuesque blond comes onto the stage and George wiggles in his seat. Alfie says, "Now, don't tell me you've had that blond before, George!"
George says, "No, but I'm havin' her now!"
Posted by Jean-Michel Grin (Member # 1360) on 03-17-2003, 02:10 AM:
Rated X
A truck driver entering in a bar on the highway.
Reading on the menu's card the folowing items:
-Beer $ 1.-
-Chicken Sandwich: $ 2.-
-Jack-off (Masturbation) $ 15.-
He call the waitress and, verry confused, ask to her:
-"Is this You who make the masturbating act on the customers"
The girl, a beautifull blonde, looking like Pamella Anderson, with a nice pair of tits and blues eyes, respond:
-Yes nice Boy, what can I do for you ?
The truck driver:
-Please could You wash your hand ? I wanted to eat a chicken sandwich
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-18-2003, 12:47 AM:
Jean-Michel, HAAAAhahahaha!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-18-2003, 12:59 AM:
This ol' boy walked into a Carolina freight office and asked for a job as a driver. They were needing drivers bad, so he was told he could have a job if he could first pass an oral test. The fellow said, "Okay, but if I pass the test, what time do you want me and Leroy to show up?"
The freight manager said, "Who the hell is Leroy?" The fellow said, "Leroy's my co-driver." The manager told him that they didn't hire co-drivers. The good ol' boy spoke up, "But, me an Leroy's been together for 17 years! If you won't hire Leroy, I can't come to work for you."
Since the company needed drivers so bad, they agreed to hire Leroy, too, and proceeded to give the new driver his oral test. "Now", said the freight manager, "suppose you're in one of our trucks." "Yes?" "You're coming down a mountain grade, fully-loaded, and your brakes fail. There's cars on both sides of you, no escape ramps, and a car is wrecked at the bottom of the hill blocking the bridge. QUICK! What's the first thing you'd do?"
"Well", the driver slowly thought. "The first thing I'd do, is turn around and wake up Leroy!" The manager was befuttled, "Why in the hell would you want to wake up Leroy?!" "Well", the driver continued, "me and Leroy's been together for 17 years... and he ain't seen NO freakin' wreck like we're fixin' to have!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2003, 07:11 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Two good ole boys from the south were driving a truck through the back roads of West Virginia when they came to an overpass with a sign which read, "Clearance:11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches tall.
"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck.
The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors, then shifted into first gear.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance," he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2003, 07:15 AM:
Rated G
A mild-mannered truck driver was eating his meal at a truck stop when six burly motorcycle riders burst in.
They stole the truckers food and taunted him, but the trucker took it all meekly. Then he paid his bill and left.
One biker swaggered up to the cashier and boasted:"He's not much of a man, is he?"
The cashier glanced out the window and replied:"Not much of a driver either. He just backed his 18-wheeler over six motorcycles."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2003, 07:31 AM:
Rated G
TOP 10 REASONS TRUCK DRIVING IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. You always see something new
9. Your gear shift wont go limp on you
8. Truck driving is a legal profession in all 50 states
7. Having "Doubles" or "Triples" is not uncommon
6. Walk around inspections before getting in
5. Keep track of where you've been on log book
4. You drop your load several times daily
3. When lubrication gets low. a warning light comes on
2. Theres rest areas when you get tired
1. If you lose some rubber, it won't cause a pregancy
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-18-2003, 04:43 PM:
Bob! HAAAhaha! Those are pretty good. I've only got the dirty truck stop comedy tapes to pool from!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 07:23 AM:
Tim, Glad you enjoyed ...here's another....
Rated G TWO TRUCKERS:
Trucker 1: "Breaker breaker. I've got a pig stuck behind my bull bar. How can I get it out?"
Trucker 2: "Just slice the gut and let the insides drop out,then it'll fall straight down."
Trucker 1: "Thanks. Ten four." (a couple of minutes' silence)
Trucker 1: "Breaker breaker. OK, it's out, but now I've got another problem. What do I do with his motorcycle and helmet?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 07:30 AM:
Rated R
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road.Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road,he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.
(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left...)
One day,as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking.He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.
He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him.But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him,so at the last minute he swerved back away,narrowly missing the lawyer.
However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer,he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything,he turned to the priest and said,"I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay",replied the priest. "I got him with the door!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2003, 07:43 AM:
Rated X
Little Johnny was sitting on the front porch steps. While his mother was in the kitchen, she was watching little Johnny.
He had a bag of M&Ms in his hand and a cat right beside him.
Little johnny would eat an M&M, Bite the cat and move down a step.
His mother looked at little Johnny and thought she needed to go see what he is doing.When she walks outside he does it again. Eats an M&M, bites the cat and moves down a step.
His momma says,"Little Johnny what the hell are you doing!"
Johnny says,"I'm practicing truck driver."
"Truck Driver?"
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and movin' on."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:08 AM:
Those are pretty good! I've got to do some more reasearch. Heh-heh!
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:10 AM:
Rated X ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
What do a woman and a condom have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:14 AM:
What does CDL stand for?
Combination Driver Lumper
(A lumper unloads trucks.)
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:54 AM:
Rated X
"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think truck drivers are made?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:55 AM:
What would a trucker do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to drive until the money ran out.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:57 AM:
There were two people walking down the street. One was a truck driver.
The other was broke, too.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:58 AM:
Saint Peter is checking ID's at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "Who did you drive for?"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 08:59 AM:
St. Peter's still checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a truck driver."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen..."
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:00 AM:
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a truck driver."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:10 AM:
A J.B. Hunt driver passed another rig on the interstate in a hilly area. As sometimes happens, the other rig later passed J.B., and then J.B. passed him, and then he was passed...
As the Hunt driver made his last pass, he kept right on going; over the shoulder, through the guardrail, down an embankment, back up the rise, and crashed into a tree.
The driver of the other rig stopped and ran up to the scene of the crash, to find the man climbing out of the windshield. "J.B., buddy, what happened?"
The J.B. Hunt driver chuckled and said, "Oh, that darned turn signal stuck on me, again!"
The
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:16 AM:
Do you know why J.B. Hunt trucks have those holes in the top of the cabs?
That's so the driver can stick his head out and blow the air horn.
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:19 AM:
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?".
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge tractor-trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. "Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.'
"Then he said, 'How are YOU feeling?'"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 03-20-2003, 09:37 AM:
How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California. With gun in lap: Riverside
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand constantly refocusing the rearview mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rattail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna, cousin/spouse in passenger seat: Arkansas
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2003, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a highway eatery, It contained dark flecks of seasoning floating in it, but two of the spots looked very suspicious.
"Hey" he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?"
She scrutinized the bowl. "No, Sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2003, 08:07 AM:
Rated G
Two guys were driving a truck through the back roads when they
came to an overpass with a sign which read, "CLEARANCE: 11' 3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12 feet 4 inches
tall.
"What do you think?" said one as they climbed back into the cab of the truck.The driver looked to his left then to his right, checked the rear view mirrors,then shifted into first gear and stepped on the gas."Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2003, 06:34 AM:
Rated PG
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying:
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2003, 04:43 PM:
Rated X
A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.
The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.
The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.
When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.
"See that?" said the trucker.
The man said, "Yeah."
The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"
The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2003, 06:34 PM:
Rated G
A truck driver came in, sat down at the counter and said to the
perky lil' waitress, "Hey Baby! Where ya been all my life?"
"Out of it, thank the Lord." replied the girl.
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 10-10-2004, 08:39 AM:
It has been 459 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2004, 08:39 AM:
Rated PG For Tim
A trucker, named Tim, who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam,drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
Tim replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:44 PM:
Rated G
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, he plowed into an empty tollbooth and smashed it to pieces.
He climbed down from the wreckage and within a matter of minutes, a truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers.
The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together.
In less than a half hour, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and looking good as new!
"Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white creamy stuff you used to get all the pieces back together?"
The crew chief says. . ."Oh, that was Tollgate Booth Paste."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2005, 09:25 AM:
Rated PG
A truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner.
When the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her thumb in his mashed potatoes.
He says, "Hey, you've got your thumb in my mashed potatoes."
The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I should keep my thumb warm."
The truck driver says, "Well, you dumb bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your butt!"
She says, "I do when I'm in the kitchen....."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 10:07 AM:
Rated G
A truck driver, who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation."
Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick."
Assessor: "All right then, does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?"
Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job."
Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive?"
Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined."
Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?"
Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."
Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container."
Trucker: "Yeah, that’s right. All lead."
Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning."
Trucker: "I'm not suing for radiation poison. I claiming for lead poisoning!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 12:57 PM:
Rated G
A female truck driver decided to buy herself a big dog for protection while she was on the road. She went to the local animal shelter and asked about one particularly large and fierce looking dog and the attendant told her, "He doesn't like men."
Perfect, she thought, and so she bought him.
Later that week, she was in a dark parking lot and two big, rough looking men started walking toward her. Sure enough, as the attendant at the animal shelter had told her, the dog didn't like men.
He promptly ran and cowered under the nearest car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 01:11 PM:
Rated G Anthony
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 10:00 AM:
Rated G Chris
A female truck driver decided to buy herself a big dog for protection while she was on the road. She went to the local animal shelter and asked about one particularly large and fierce looking dog and the attendant told her, "He doesn't like men."
Perfect, she thought, and so she bought him. Later that week, she was in a dark parking lot and two big, rough looking men started walking toward her.
Sure enough, as the attendant at the animal shelter had told her, the dog didn't like men.
He promptly ran and cowered under the nearest car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two men are chatting at a roadside diner, and one discovers that the other is a long-haul truck driver.
The man says to the truck driver, "I'd love to drive a big rig, but I'd worry about falling asleep at the wheel."
"I have a trick to stay awake," says the truck driver. "I just put a $100 bill in my left hand and hold it out the window."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2006, 10:04 AM:
Rated G B.B.
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3."
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4."
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first.
"Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"