This is topic People in the News in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2003, 07:53 PM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
"Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2003, 07:54 PM:
Rated G
"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle."
-—Jon Stewart
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2003, 08:03 PM:
Rated G
"Martha Stewart denied allegations that she had been given inside information to sell 4,000 shares of a stock in a biotech firm about to go under. Stewart then showed her audience how to make a festive, quick-burning yule log out of freshly-shredded financial documents."
-—Dennis Miller
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2003, 08:04 PM:
Rated G
"Martha Stewart had an interesting show this morning – she showed how to make bail. Did you see that?"
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:27 AM:
Rated G
"Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha — stripes are back in this year."
-—Craig Kilborn
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:28 AM:
Rated G
"Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'"
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:30 AM:
Rated G
"In New York the other day, there was a pro-Martha Stewart rally. Only four people showed up ... and three of them were made out of crepe paper!"
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:31 AM:
Rated G
"When reached for comment on the charges, Martha didn't say much, (only) that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:32 AM:
Rated G
"Things are not looking good for Martha Stewart. Her stock was down 23 percent yesterday. Wow, that dropped quicker than Dick Cheney after a double-cheeseburger."
-—Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:34 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
"I heard this rumor that al Qaeda is merging with Hamas. Yeah, I got that tip from Martha Stewart."
-—David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 12:35 AM:
Rated G
"Tom Ridge announced a new color-coded alarm system. ... Green means everything's okay. Red means we're in extreme danger. And champagne-fuschia means we're being attacked by Martha Stewart."
-—Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-28-2003, 11:43 AM:
Rated G
"When reached for comment Martha didn't say much - (only)that a subpoena should be served with a nice appetizer."
--Conan O'Brian
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 03:20 PM:
Rated G
What he said: "Mr. Lay, I've concluded that you're perhaps the most accomplished confidence man since Charles Ponzi. I'd say you're a carnival barker, except that wouldn't be fair to carnival barkers. A carnie will at least tell you up front that he's running a shell game." —Sen. Peter Fitzgerald (R-Ill.)
What he meant: "How come I only got a measly $18,000 in campaign contributions when you were giving other Senators double and triple that?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 03:23 PM:
Rated G
What he said: "I have been instructed by my counsel not to testify....I am deeply troubled about asserting these (Fifth Amendment) rights, because it may be perceived by some that I have something to hide." —Ken Lay
What he meant: "My counsel is deeply troubled because I have something to hide."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2003, 03:25 PM:
Rated G
What he said: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to Enron, to its current and former employees, retirees, shareholders, and other stakeholders." —Former Enron Chairman Ken Lay, testifying before Congress
What he meant: "I come here today with a profound sadness about what has happened to three of my four properties in Aspen, my jet, my baseball stadium, and my all-access pass to the White House."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 10-27-2008, 08:46 PM:
It has been 1946 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2008, 08:46 PM:
Rated G Holloween
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, 'Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?'
'I'm sorry,' replied the hunchback, 'but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!'
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. 'I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.'
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. 'Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.' Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
'Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2008, 01:21 AM:
Rated XXX Jokester
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who run behind bus get exhausted.
Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
He who jumps off a bridge in Paris is in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Definition of a will: a dead give away.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.