This is topic Musical in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
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Posted by Gunnar Johansson (Member # 1661) on 04-08-2004, 05:58 AM:
What's the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
Posted by Gunnar Johansson (Member # 1661) on 04-08-2004, 05:59 AM:
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2" by 3 1/2" unless you request "full cut."
Posted by Gunnar Johansson (Member # 1661) on 04-08-2004, 05:59 AM:
What is a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the trombone, but doesn't
Posted by Gunnar Johansson (Member # 1661) on 04-08-2004, 06:00 AM:
How can you tell which kid on a playground is the child of a trombonist?
He doesn't know how to use the slide, and he can't swing.
Posted by Gunnar Johansson (Member # 1661) on 04-08-2004, 06:00 AM:
What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
On or off.
Posted by Clint Koch (Member # 1179) on 04-08-2004, 11:32 AM:
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 09-04-2005, 10:35 AM:
It has been 513 days since the last post.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2005, 10:35 AM:
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Musical Terms Commonly Misunderstood by Country & Western Musicians, With Their Translated "Country" Definitions
12 Tone Scale -- The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with A 440 -- The highway that runs around Nashville
Aeolian Mode -- How you like Mama's cherry pie
Altos -- Not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes"
Arpeggio -- "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"
Bach Chorale -- The place behind the barn where you keep the horses
Bass -- The things you run around in softball
Bassoon -- Typical response when asked what you hope to catch, and when.
Big Band -- When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players
Bossa Nova -- The car your foreman drives
Cadenza -- That ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes
Cello -- The proper way to answer the phone
Clarinet -- Name for your second daughter if you've already used Betty Jo
Clef -- What you try never to fall off of
Bass Clef -- Where you wind up if you do fall off
Conductor -- The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham
Cut Time -- Parole
Cymbal -- What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with
Diminished Fifth -- An empty bottle of Jack Daniels
First Inversion -- Grandpa's battle group at Normandy
French Horn -- Your wife says you smell like a cheap one when you come in at 4 a.m.
Major Scale -- What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"
Melodic Minor -- Loretta Lynn's singing dad
Minor Third -- Your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling
Order of Sharps -- What a wimp gets at the bar
Passing Tone -- Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues
Perfect Fifth -- A full bottle of Jack Daniels
Perfect Pitch -- The smooth coating on a freshly paved road
Pianissimo -- "Refill this beer bottle"
Portamento -- A foreign country you've always wanted to see
Quarter Tone -- What most standard pickups can haul
Relative Major -- An uncle in the Marine Corps
Relative Minor -- A girlfriend
Repeat -- What you do until they just expel you
Ritard -- There's one in every family
Sonata -- What you get from a bad cold or hay fever
Staccato -- How you did all the ceilings in your mobile home
Tempo -- Good choice for a used car
Time Signature -- What you need from your boss if you forget to clock in
Transpositions -- Men who wear dresses
Treble -- Women ain't nothin' but
Tuba -- A compound word: "Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!"
Whole Note -- What's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2005, 10:37 AM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
There is a story about a maestro who got so angry at a 2nd violinist he stabbed him with his baton. He was convicted of murder and sentenced to be electrocuted.
On the appointed day he was taken to the chair and strapped in. For his last request he asked for a banana. After he ate it, they threw the switch and nothing happened. They took him away while they checked the equipment, and said they would try again tomorrow. The next day, same thing: eat banana, throw switch, nothing happens, check equipment.
The 3rd day when he requested the banana the warden refused. They threw the switch, and again nothing happened. The warden was distraught, and the maestro started to laugh. "What's so funny" asked the warden. "You'll never electrocute me" said the maestro defiantly. "And why not" the warden asked. And the reply came, "Because I am a bad conductor"!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-04-2005, 10:39 AM:
Rated PG
And then there was the story about the musician who died and went to heaven.
St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates, to take him on his tour of heaven.
The musician asked if there was an orchestra in heaven.
St. Peter replied "Yes we have the most wonderful orchestra, and there is a seat reserved for you. They will be rehearsing in a few minutes, we can go there right now."
When they arrived the musician was overwhelmed, all the greats were there warming up. Pagannini was the concertmaster, Casals was the principal cello, Lizst was preparing to rehearse one of his concertos, and on and on it went.
Then there was a hush as the maestro emerged. The musician was surprised that he didn't recognise him. He was expecting one of the greats to be conducting, and instead it was an old man with a grey beard.
"Who is our conductor", he asked St. Peter.
And Peter replyed,"Oh, that's God,He thinks he's Von Karajan"