This is topic Miscellaneous - Part Three in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://ft-forum.com/ft/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=000148
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 09:36 AM:
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Michele
spent more than two hours in the beauty shop getting my hair permed, cut and styled.
Relieved to be done, I went up to the receptionist to pay.
"Good afternoon!" she said cheerfully. "And who's your appointment with today?" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 09:45 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2004, 10:41 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Some funeral guests,noticing that there was an absence of flowers,went up to the grieving widow to express their condolences.
They graciously also informed her that,as per request,a donation would be made to a local charity in lieu of flowers.
With a puzzled look upon her face,she retorted that there were no flowers because her husband had been allergic to flowers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:40 AM:
Rated G Sue Bee
It's Proven.
The less you do, the less you can do wrong. Sure you do less right as well But some things have to be sacrificed in the pursuit of excellence.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:45 AM:
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Michele
At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:48 AM:
Rated G Michele
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:53 AM:
Rated G
A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"
The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 11:58 AM:
Rated G
A guy went for an audition for a small role in a movie. The interviewer asked, "Do you have any acting experiences?"
He said, "Yeah, I acted in an insect spray commercial before."
The interviewer was surprised and said, "No wonder you looked so familiar!"
The guy replied back, "Yeah? I was the cockroach."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 12:00 PM:
Rated PG
"WE'LL CALL YOUR NAME WHEN YOUR TABLE IS READY" GAME
This is fun. When you get to the restaurant, you give your name to be called for when your table is ready. Just use a made-up last name that will sound funny when they call your name and they add party to it. The others, waiting for tables, will hear your weird name plus party and will break out in various degrees of smiles, laughter, and chatter.
Now, if you're daring (only for certain names---see below), you can tell the laughers et al, "That's not funny! I'm tired of people laughing at me. My whole life is one big joke! They've done it from first grade to the standby list at the airport. You take the name and then laugh! I'm sick of you people, Sick! Sick! Sick!" Then, storm off in disgust with the person taking you and your guests to your table. But, tell your guide to your table it was just a funny ruse to brighten up the waiting area.
This thing is for the real jokester and takes some guts, but I know, most of you readers can do it!
Example: So, when your table is ready, you'll hear the caller say, "Smith, party of 4, your table is ready." Just make sure that you give them the correct number of people at your table.
Remember, they don't know you, so you can use any name you want. Be creative, be gutsy, be funny, Just Do it!
Here are some goodies, as examples to try, or, make up your own!
Nayket, party of 4, your table is ready. Maynage, party of 3, your table is ready. Linching, party of 3,...etc. Bierr, party of 4... Pardi, party of 4... Berthday, party of 2... Drunkenn, party of 4... Blasted, party of 3... Frankenstein, party of 4... Goofuss, party of 3... Pissingg, party of 4... Loozer, party of 4... Trump, party of 4... Warr, party of 3... Sik, party of 4... Prevert, party of 3... Lewinsky, party of 2... Pizza, party of 4... Buzzard, party of 3... Salami, party of 3... Bachelor, party of 5... Borring, party of 4... Dubya, party of 4...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2004, 12:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2004, 10:03 AM:
Rated G
The Passenger Tapped The Cab Driver On The Shoulder To Ask Him Something.The Driver Screamed, Lost Control Of The Car, Nearly Hit A Bus, Went Up OnThe Sidewalk,And Stopped Inches From A Department Store Window.
For A Second Everything Went Quiet In The Cab, Then The Driver Said, "Look Mister,Don't Ever Do That Again.You Scared Me Half To Death!"
The Passenger Apologized And Said He Didn't Realize That A Little Tap CouldScare Him So Much. The Driver Replied,"You're Right.I'm Sorry. Really,It's Not Your Fault.Today Is My First Day As A Cab Driver.I've BeenDriving a Hearse for 25 Years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2004, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Janine
A research organization studying juvenile delinquency phoned fifty homes between nine-thirty and ten-thirty at night to ask parents if they knew where their children were. Half of the calls were answered by children who had no idea where their parents were.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2004, 10:16 AM:
Rated G
I was having dinner at a local steak house recently and overheard the waitress ask the man at the table next to me,sir, did you find your steak o.k.?
Yes replied the customer, I moved a couple of fries, and there it was.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2004, 12:44 PM:
Rated G
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.While the barber is foaming him up,he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-23-2004, 01:15 PM:
Rated G
CELIBACY can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain environmental encounters.
While attending a marriage encounter weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered,
"Robin Hood All-purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-03-2004, 10:06 AM:
Rated G
She was only the wiskey maker's daughter, but he loved her still.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2004, 01:54 PM:
Rated G Nan in Florida
NEW ROCK AND ROLL RE-RELEASES
Everybody is remaking their oldies hits!
- Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
- Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
- Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
- ABBA "Denture Queen"
-Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
-Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
-Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 04:57 AM:
Rated G Michele
A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave."
"Oh? What name were you looking for?"
"Itzic Finkelstein."
"Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must be a mistake somewhere.... The only Finkelstein we have is a Rashela Finkelstein..."
"That is no mistake!" says Rashela. "Itzic has always put everything in my name!"
Michele
A woman, having walked all around the cemetery, complains to the caretaker, "I have looked all around, and can not find my husband's grave."
"Oh? What name were you looking for?"
"Itzic Finkelstein."
"Hmmmm," says the caretaker, "must be a mistake somewhere.... The only Finkelstein we have is a Rashela Finkelstein..."
"That is no mistake!" says Rashela. "Itzic has always put everything in my name!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 05:00 AM:
Rated G
Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.
"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?"
"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But six times seven is 42 not 49."
"Hah?" Kaplan says..."All right professer, I von da lottery...so you be the mathematician!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 05:06 AM:
Rated G
The setting sun was trailing a mantle of rose,lavender and gold across the western sky.I drove out of the parking lot and handed my ticket to the young attendant,saying,"Just look at that gorgeous sky!"
She peered eagerly right and left,then asked, "Where, where?"
"Up there," I told her, pointing skyward.
"Oh," she said, crestfallen."I thought you said 'gorgeous guy!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 05:13 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Life's unanswered questions....
If someone leads but no one follows... are they just out for a walk?
Is it possible for someone to become addicted to therapy? And If so, how would you treat them?
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Why is it that normal people are the ones you don't know?
Why is it that when our kids are naughty we ask "do you want a spanking?" What are they going to say, "Yes please, may I have two?"...
Why is it you get a penny for your thoughts but have to put in your two cents worth?
May I refuse to inherit the earth?
Practice makes perfect, but if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-05-2004, 02:44 PM:
Rated G Michele
I was reading how a female spider will eat the male spider after mating.
I guess female spiders know that life insurance is easier to collect than child support.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2004, 09:52 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, Tender Flake, Oh Tenderrrfllllake!"
Soon a store clerk approached, "Sir, the baking goods are in aisle D "
The old gentleman replied, "Oh, I'm not looking for the baking stuff I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife's name is Tenderflake?"
The old man answered, "Oh, no, no, no. I only call her that when were out in public."
The store clerk asked, "Well, what do you call her when you are at home?"
The old man replied, "Lard Ass."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:11 AM:
Rated G Michele
See how many of these well known phrases you can recognize without the use of a dictionary or a thesaurus.
1. Scintillate, scintaillate, asteroid minific
2. Surveillance should precede caltation
3. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate
4. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity
5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid
6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude
7. The stylus is more potent than the scimitar
8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers
9. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion
10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees F.
11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly suriferous.
12. Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ingnited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
Answers:
1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.
2. Look before you leap.
3. Birds of a feather flock together.
4. Beauty is only skin deep.
5. No use crying over spilt milk.
6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.
7. The pen is mightier than the sword.
8. Can't teach an old dog new tricks.
9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.
10. A watched pot never boils.
11. All that glitters is not gold.
12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:13 AM:
Rated G Jay Leno
"Donald Duck just turned 66 years-old. Kind of a tough age. Now when you see him walking around without any pants on, you don’t know if he’s acting or if he just forgot."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:15 AM:
Rated G
Bumper Snickers
*Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
*This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
*This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
*Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
*Faster than a speeding ticket!
*Adults are just kids with money.
*T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
*You are right where you belong, behind me!
*YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!
*Keep honking, I am reloading!
*They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
*Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
*Do unto others before they do unto you.
*Was today really necessary?
*The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
*In theory, everything works.
*Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
*Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION.
*Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
*Your lucky color has faded.
*Too many freaks, not enough circuses!
*A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
*The more I learn, the less I understand.
*Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:29 AM:
Rated G Michele
Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his family's fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends. Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of "funny foam" and fast food.
Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"Fooey," he figured, "my father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts.
Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard.
Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father's feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, "Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor."
Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
Faithfully, the father's first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness. Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling.
Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, "Floozies and foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive's folderol?"
The first-born's fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel "favored" for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends. His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive.
His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling "favored" will fester and friction will force the faded facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born's frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful.
But the father's former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes.
The farsighted father figured, "Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune."
Four facets of the father's fathomless fondness for faltering fugitives are:
1) Forgiveness,
2) Forever faithful friendship,
3) Fadeless love, and
4) A facility for forgetting flaws.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:40 AM:
Rated G Will
The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana
20. Got Buzz?
19. Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
18. A Day Without Pot is Like School
17. Weed My Lips!
16. Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
15. What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
14. Obey Your Jones
13. Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
12. It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
11. Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
10. Official Sponsor of the NBA
9. Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally f***ed that up!
8. Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
7. This is your brain. This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
6. When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
5. SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)
4. Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
3. Just Doob It
2. It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.
and the Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...
1. Skull-Shaped Bong: $12.00 Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $125.00 Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:42 AM:
Rated G Michele
Do you know the worst place to be in a major earthquake?
In a hospital operating room getting a vasectomy.
Do you know the best place to be?
A Hooters restaurant.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 03:57 AM:
Rated G Michele
An old friend of mine was fairly mild-mannered and her speech was always clean. I was driving (we were probably on our way to the movies), and someone cut me off.
In her way, she cursed him by sternly saying, "I hope it rains all over his parade."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 04:37 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
English
I Love You
Spanish
Te Amo
French
Je T'aime
German
lch Liebe Dich
Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu
Italian
Ti Amo
Chinese
Wo Ai Ni
Swedish
Jag Alskar
Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
Parts of Florida
Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 08:32 AM:
Rated G
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. "What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber" were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy,and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive.Do you know I paid 75˘ for this candy bar?"
We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you a dollar for it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2004, 02:28 PM:
Rated G
I was tidying up the house but finding the task difficult because of a pulled muscle in my lower back. As I was collecting the trash, something fell to the floor. Taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the pain, I stooped to retrieve the item.
I couldn't help laughing when I realized it was an envelope marked "Do Not Bend."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-08-2004, 07:47 AM:
Rated G Michele
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, WHERE WILL YOU SPEND ETERNITY?
It freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-08-2004, 07:49 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Show me a man who walks with his head held high, and I'll show you a man who hasn't gotten used to his bifocals."
[ 05-09-2004, 03:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2004, 03:24 AM:
Rated G
During a blizzard I was crawling along in a line of cars on the local highway. Visibility was limited to a few feet, and I rolled my window down to see what was delaying us.
Ahead, a police car with a flashing light was pulled up beside two cars with crumpled bumpers locked. Before them stood a rugged young policeman in shirt sleeves, efficiently signaling us around the wreck with a red flashlight. As I drew near, the window of a car going the opposite way rolled down, and a middle-aged woman thrust out her head.
"Jo-Jo! Put on your jacket!" she commanded.
The young officer winced.
"Aw, Mom!" he protested. But seeing the determined set of her mouth, he reluctantly reached into his patrol car and drew out his trooper's jacket.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 01:06 PM:
Rated G
"You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Of course, you could do even better with a dead squirrel."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-10-2004, 01:08 PM:
Rated G
What do you call 50,000 geeks playing Monopoly? Microsoft.
The Irish jig got started because there aren't enough restrooms in the pubs.
What's large, gray, and doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
If you mix beans and onions, will you get tear gas?
Female DNA to male DNA: "Do these genes make me look fat?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-11-2004, 09:18 AM:
Rated G Jill in Washington D.C.
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my newborn daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned into the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-11-2004, 09:27 AM:
Rated G Will in Ohio
The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear
13. "I can really feel the love tonight -- apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is."
12. "I'd like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave."
11. "Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab."
10. "And I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn't have had to make this movie in the first place."
9. "I'd like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year's ballot..."
8. "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award -- but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse..."
7. "I'm sure I'll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I'm stuck doing 'Hollywood Squares' to pay the rent."
6. "And in closing, I'd like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me..."
5. "...and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade."
4. "Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That's why I'd like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor..."
3. "...and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles."
2. "I'd like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career."
and the Number 1 Oscar Acceptance Speech We'd Like to Hear...
1. "I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2004, 01:18 PM:
Rated G Dom
One cannibal says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law".
The other says in reply, "well, then try the mashed potatoes instead."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 04:32 AM:
Rated G
A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie
Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Français?" he tries. The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espańol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y' know, maybe we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
Posted by Steven Privett (Member # 718) on 05-20-2004, 05:17 AM:
Rated G
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” Flattered, the man replied, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely!” “This must be a sign from God!” The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2004, 01:39 PM:
Rated G
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2004, 01:56 PM:
Rated G
If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable. It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal
Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.
The Rules
1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.
2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fistfight will determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight. A "pout-off" can be held instead.
3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty stops, etc.), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.
4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the backseat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.
5. Pre-"shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.
6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2004, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Globalization .... At its best
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,on Japanese motorcycles;treated by an American doctor,using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,using Bill Gates's technology,and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips,and a Korean monitor,assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,transported by Indian lorry-drivers,hijacked by Indonesians,unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....That,my friends,is Globalization.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-05-2004, 09:58 PM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
Definitions...funny thoughts
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing
at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before
they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes
and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually
Me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie
if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half
without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you
like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one
person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones
with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you
to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving
devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion...
openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
You have character lines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-07-2004, 09:06 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.Ca
Got This one Today
I HATE THOSE HOAX WARNINGS, BUT THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT!!!
Please send this to everyone on your email list.
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your ass, do not show him your ass!
This is a scam. He only wants to see your ass.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2004, 05:39 AM:
Rated PG
SIGNS YOUR PET IS TAKING VIAGRA[/b]
Let's just say the cat isn't always landing on its feet these days.
Your Acura dealer called, asking where Mr. Furpants wants his new NSX delivered.
The catching and toying with the field mice is still cute and all, but now you have to leave the room for the end of the game.
Still waiting to greet you at the door when you arrive home from work, but now wears a French maid outfit.
Stupid grin when Bob Dole/Britney Spears Pepsi commercial comes on.
Instead of digging up your garden, your dachshund is *plowing* it.
He's the only dog around wearing a velvet jacket and smoking a pipe.
Fido throws in the extended-play Barry White CD before starting to hump your leg.
Spot complains of headache and blue-tinted vision, despite being colorblind, then says, "But enough about me... how're *you* doin'?"
Distinct rut in the gravel circling the plastic castle in the goldfish bowl.
Flightless birds now include the ostrich, the emu, the penguin, and your parrot with the huge penis.
The little diver at the bottom of the tank has his suit around his ankles and an exhausted smile on his face.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2004, 04:51 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Have a need for any of these? I do.
The Dysfunctional side of a Hallmark Store.
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
- I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
- That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
- Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
- Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
- Almost lifelike!
7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
- Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
- What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
- It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
- Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend.If we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket...
- I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday...
- So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday,Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, West Va)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together,I can't help but wonder...
- What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
- Too bad no one likes your husband.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-09-2004, 05:14 AM:
Rated G Michele
I used to think I could pass gas silently until I got my hearing aid.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-14-2004, 04:20 PM:
Rated G
Q: How much money does the average alcholic spend on licquor every month?
A: A staggering amount.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2004, 10:50 AM:
Rated G
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,"Hey,I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well,we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball,but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle.I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.My hand was cut off,I got fitted with a hook,I'm fine, really.
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over,I looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."
"You?re kidding," said the bartender, "You couldn't lose an eye just from some bird poop!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2004, 10:54 AM:
Rated G
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand- writing.'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-29-2004, 11:05 AM:
Rated PG Michele
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her.
Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!"
"So would I," quipped the girl, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2004, 06:06 AM:
Rated PG
Definitions
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO:
An insect! that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2004, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Michele
MY PHILOSOPHY On HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2004, 01:25 PM:
Rated G Sally in Fresno
A friend of mine used to spend summer vacations as a ranger at Lassen Volcanic National Park, Calif. He was on duty one morning when a tourist approached, gave a brief description of an unusual bird he had just seen and asked whether my friend could identify it.
My friend replied, "No, I don't recognize the bird either, but I can help you.I have here a copy of Roger Tory Peterson's Field Guide to Western Birds."
"That won't help," the tourist replied, "because that bird is not in there.
I'm Roger Tory Peterson." ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-16-2004, 09:59 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2004, 10:48 AM:
Rated G Michele
Only a Mother ~~
Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."
Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."
Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling Can have the empty roll...to make a Mother's Day present.
Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.
Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.
Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.
Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler... visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big cream horn.
Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.
Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.
Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.
Knows all the verses to "This Old Man."
Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.
Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.
Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots... buy two carrots.
Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.
Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.
Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last- minute science project.
Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.
Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.
Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.
Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2004, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories.
As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends.
I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore... In the last 3˝ years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds , so...
without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2004, 11:02 AM:
Rated R Michele
The Seven Dwarves of Menopause arrived at my door without warning: Itchy, Bitchy, Sweaty, Sleepy, Bloated, Forgetful and All-Dried- Up.
One by one they crept into my own private cottage in the woods and started to take over my life. The first to arrive was Itchy. I developed this itch on my right calf that was so irritating, I wanted to scratch the skin right off my body.
Then Bitchy came to my door. No longer was my PMS contained to one or two days a month-- it felt like constant PMS. Then I would swing from Bitchy to Weepy for God's sake, what was wrong with me? Ding-dong......It's the middle of the night and Sweaty has crawled into bed with me.
Oh, yes, Sweaty brought embarrassing hot flashes and introduced me to night sweats where it seemed as if a faucet had been attached between my breasts.
Of course Sweaty brought about Sleepy, because I was tired all the time. I would wake up so many times in the night and not be able to get back to sleep.
Bloated crept in slowly, my once-svelte figure got thick through the middle section, even though I was following my weight-loss program that had worked so well for so many years!
I can't quite remember when Forgetful arrived, but one day my brain stopped working. I considered myself a pretty focused woman until Forgetful came, and I could not keep a coherent thought in my brain. Am I getting Alzheimer's I wondered?
Last, All-Dried-Up slowly encroached upon my happy marriage. This was probably the most unpleasant of the dwarf family. Sex was no longer on the top of my list...or on my list at all. My husband would give me that knowing look, and I would think, "Frankly, I'd rather have a smoothie."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-22-2004, 10:20 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi
Can't Eat
Can't eat beef..........mad cow
Can't eat chicken...........bird flu
Can't eat eggs.......cholesterol
Can't eat pork.............bacteria!
Can't eat fish............mercury
Can't eat fruit .insecticides
Can't eat vegetables.........herbicides
Now, the way I see it; that only leaves
CHOCOLATE
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-23-2004, 08:27 AM:
Rated G Michele
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway.
Then one day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball.
John had an idea.
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.
John never had to search for his paper again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2004, 09:58 AM:
Rated G
Signs You're Not Mensa Material
You couldn't figure out how to break the seal on your standardized intelligence test, so you had to give up.
You wonder how the deer know to cross at the deer crossing signs.
You are confused by the plot twists of a Bugs Bunny cartoon.
You once tried to solve a Rubik's cube and had to be institutionalized for over a year.
You had trouble getting in even before they saw the decimal point in your IQ.
You are still struggling to finish "Shoe Laces for Dummies."
Your family had a celebration when you scored a "perfect 10" points on your SAT.
You don't watch PBS because there are no Budweiser or Taco Bell commercials.
Homer Simpson is your idol.
That "which comes first" thing about chicken and eggs just makes you hungry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:03 PM:
Rated G Michele
Overheard in the Mall: "But why can't we just pay our Master Card bill with our Visa Card?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:11 PM:
Rated G
It had been an unusually hectic weekend and I decided to put off the house-work.
As I was curling up with a book, old friends phoned. They were in town and wanted to stop by.
I tore around the house, dusting and vacuuming. Time was running out when I reached the kitchen, so I grabbed piles of dirty dishes and put them in the oven.
The doorbell rang. There stood my friends - with a frozen pizza.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:19 PM:
Rated G
We had spent eight years converting an old barn into an impressive home.
Pleased with the results, we celebrated with a "house- blessing" party. One guest was the old-timer who had helped build the original barn.
Proudly I showed him the stalls, now a spacious bedroom. Then the hayloft with its guest room, bath, master bedroom and — thanks to the addition of 28 windows — spectacular view.
"Well, what do you think of the old place now?" I asked.
"Pretty nice," came his measured response. "But you sure ruined a good mule barn!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2004, 12:36 PM:
Rated G
Ways to Tell You're a New Dad
Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
You are used to doing everything one-handed.
The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is a pleasant one.
The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color.
You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you think,"Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in... babysitting?"
Posted by Joe Perrault (Member # 2541) on 07-31-2004, 05:51 AM:
An ode to Christmas or as I like to call it Projmas!! Rated R (for language)
Enjoy!
“‘Twas the night before Projmas”
‘Twas the night before Projmas, when all through the booth
Victor was cussing; another gear broke a tooth.
The film loops were hung by number 20 with care,
In the hopes that St. Andy soon would be there.
The roaches were nestled all snug in their beds,
When I’m behind the stand I step on their heads.
Ryan in his ‘kerchief and Dave in his cap,
Had just run upstairs to fix a brain wrap.
When up from the high-side there arose such a clatter,
The projectionist said, “it’s just nineteen’s platter.”
Away to the proj booth I flew like a flash,
Ran into the door with a bone jarring crash.
Dave said to Vic “These feed plates sure blow.”
“What the fuck is wrong now, someone should call Joe.”
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But William C. Voight, with a case of cold beer.
With a handsome young driver, who makes the girls randy,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Andy.
More rapid than eagles his curses they came,
And he screamed, and yelled and called them all names.
Now bitch-ass, now bastard, now slacker and bitchin,
On dumb-shit, on stupid, on cracker, I’m pissin!
From the top of the stairs down into the hall,
Throw away, throw away, throw away bulbs!
As boxes that before the wild manager fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, explode with a cry.
So up to the high-side the proj crew they flew
With a case full of beer and St. Andy too.
And then lots of clinking I heard in the booth
The laughing and calling “this beer’s 80 proof!”
As I moved the film cans and was turning around
Down 24’s stairs St. Andy came with a bound
He was dressed all in denim from his head to his foot
But his hands were all tarnished with gear lube and soot.
A bundle of film he had flung on his back
And he grimaced in pain when his shoulder went crack!
His knees how they crumbled! This moment quite scary!
The exact same thing once happened to Mary!
His fast moving mouth let the swearing just flow,
And the skin on his face was as white as the snow.
The list of the preshow he had in his teeth,
And a bruise on his shoulder he’d have for a week.
He had a tan face, and I’m told a flat belly,
And a pair of brown shoes that were really quite smelly.
He picked up the print from the top platter shelf,
And I thought when I saw him “why’d he move that himself?”
A tear in his eye and the tilt of his head,
Soon gave me the thought “cross-plexes I dread.”
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
He did all the print moves; then turned with a jerk.
And wiping his hands on his now soiled clothes,
And flipping us off up to the low-side he rose.
He walked to the desk, to the proj gave a whistle,
And to the bar they flew like a bullet from a pistol.
But I heard him exclaim, as he walked out of sight,
Merry Projmas to all, and to all a good-night!
Posted by Joe Perrault (Member # 2541) on 07-31-2004, 05:58 AM:
![[scream]](graemlins/scream.gif)
My apologies to Mr. Poe.
The Raven with a projectionist twist.
“The Projman” (The raven by Poe)
Once upon a midnight dreary while I threaded weak and weary,
Over many a flat and scope volume of Pokemon 4.
While I nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my low side door.
“’Tis some manager,” I muttered, “tapping at my low side door-
“Only this, and nothing more.”
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dimmer light wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I sought to borrow
From my booth surcease of sorrow- sorrow for projector four-
For the tight and twisted brain wrap and the film upon the floor-
Splicing here for evermore.
And the dusty and uncertain rustling of each masking curtain
Thrilled me- filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now to still the spinning of my platter, I stood repeating,
“’Tis some manager entreating entrance at my low side door-
Some late manager entreating entrance at my low side door; -
This it is and nothing more.”
Moving film I grew stronger, it made my shift seem so much longer,
“Bill,” said I “or Ryan, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is four was wrapping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my low-side door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you”- here I opened wide the door; -
Film cans there and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there threading, starting,
Splicing, building films no mortals ever dared to build before;
But the silence was unbroken, and some kid just lost a token,
And the only words there spoken were the whispered words “projector four!”
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the words “projector four!”-
Merely this, and nothing more.
Back into the low-side turning, I smelled some popcorn that was burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
“Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my porthole lattice;
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-
Let my film be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the pipes and nothing more.”
Threading here I spun the shutter, when, with popcorn topped with butter,
In there stepped a stately projman of the projing days of yore;
Not the least of noises made he; in a minute threaded up three;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my bathroom door-
Perched upon a metal bracket just above my bathroom door-
Perched and sat and nothing more.
Then some radio words beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the red and black decorum of the uniform it wore.
“Though thy face be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “ art sure no craven,
Ghastly grim and ancient projman wandering from the high-side door-
Tell my what that preview’s name is on the film in 24!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
Much I marveled his ungainly scowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning- little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blest with seeing him above his bathroom door-
Bird or beast upon the tandem roller above his bathroom door,
With such a name as “brain wrap on four.”
But the projman, sitting lonely on the tandem roller, spoke only
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Eating popcorn that was buttered- not a curtain then he fluttered-
Till I scarcely more than muttered, “other bulbs have blown before-
On the morrow I will change three, as the bulb has blown before.”
Then the man said, “brain wrap on four.”
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
“Doubtless,” said I, “what he utters is his only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy platter whom unmerciful Disaster
Brain wrapped fast and brain wrapped faster till his shift one burden bore-
Till the lenses that were scope that melancholy turret bore
Of ‘brain wrap- brain wrap on four’.”
But the projman still beguiling all my preshows into piling
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of man, and roller and door;
Then upon the bathroom stinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous man of yore
Meant in croaking “brain wrap on four.”
This I sat engaged in stressing, but no syllable expressing
To the man whose fiery eyes now burned into my preshow’s core;
This and more I sat rewinding, with the head and foot in frame for splicing
On the cushion’s vinyl lining that the lamplight gloated o’er,
But whose vinyl violet lining with the lamplight gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, brain wrap on four!
Then methought the air grew denser, controlled by some unseen sensor
Adjusted by Kim whose footfalls tinkled on the kiosk floor.
“Balls,” I cried, “thy proj hath bent thee- with these movies he hath sent thee
Respite- respite and nepenthe, from my memories of projector four!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind xekote and forget this lost projector four!
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Usher!” said I, “thing of evil- usher still, if proj or devil!
Whether manager sent, or whether schedule put thee here before,
Desperate yet all undaunted, in this low-side booth enchanted-
On this print by horror haunted- tell me truly, I implore-
Is there- is there a new Tech ad? – tell me- tell me, I implore!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Usher!” said I, “thing of evil- usher still, if proj or devil!
By that roller that bends above us- by that proj we both adore-
Tell this soul with sorrow laden, use the aperture to check framin’
It shall clasp a tainted system whom the projs name projector four-
Clasp a rare and tainted system whom the projs name projector four.”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
“Be that word our sign in parting, proj or fiend,” I shrieked, upstarting-
“Get thee back into the preshow and the film in twenty-four!
Leave no previews as a token or the splicer that is broken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the dust above my door!
Take thy tools from off my cart, and take thy form from off my door!”
Quoth the projman, “brain wrap on four.”
And the projman, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the roller used for tandems just above my bathroom door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamplight o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my film from out the feed plate that lies crumpled on the floor
Shall be lifted- nevermore!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2004, 01:44 PM:
Rated G
The Philosophy of Steven Wright.
If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the comedian who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things much differently than we do, to our amazement and amusement.
Here are some more of his gems:
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2004, 10:29 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
When my two-year-old was riding his tricycle one spring day, I caught him pedalling through my neighbor's lovely rock garden, and plants were strewn everywhere!
I grabbed him off his trike and sent him home to his room.
Then I surveyed the mess. I knelt down and started to replant as many flowers as I could. As I worked it dawned on me that Ricky hadn't been out long enough to have done this amount of damage.
I stopped replanting and rang my neighbour's doorbell.
She greeted me cheerfully and,excusing her appearance, explained
she had been weeding her garden all morning.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-09-2004, 12:52 PM:
Rated G
Truth About Children...
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-15-2004, 11:57 AM:
Rated PG
If Mother's have Mothers Day and Father's have Father's Day, What do single guy's have?
A. Palm Sunday
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2004, 01:57 PM:
Rated G Michele
Here are several ways really nasty ways to get even with someone:
GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early!
X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victim's carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials an absolute classic . . .
OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil underneath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.
FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2004, 12:04 PM:
Rated G B.B.
WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE I HAD KIDS
Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.
How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child and all of the above simultaneously.
Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing. (ain't that one the truth)
Locations of public restrooms all across town.
Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.
That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.
How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
How to spell amoxicillin, let alone say it.(and that it reproduces into a never-ending supply in your refrigerator)
That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.
Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z. (what evil person decided that children between the ages of 3 and 7 need to know all there is to know about the creatures.
That reverse psychology really works.
The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
Why they call them Happy meals.(they made my son so deliriously happy, I think they put drugs in the food)
How far you can dilute juice and still retain it's taste.
The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.
How much you could love one human being!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2004, 12:14 PM:
Rated G
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2004, 12:15 PM:
Rated G
"New & Improved"
When something is "New & Improved". Which is it?
If it's new, there has never been anything before it.
If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-02-2004, 01:10 PM:
Rated G
Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important."
So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine .
1. Nasti Spumante
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2004, 08:46 AM:
Rated PG Michele
Rodney Dangerfield's classic one-liners
"I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'"
"When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother."
"When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream."
"Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'"
"When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up."
"I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home."
"When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me."
"When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's."
"With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet."
"With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2004, 08:53 AM:
Rated G Michele
"The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2004, 11:00 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.CA
Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.
Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me!
On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."
Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.
It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.
I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "ElectraLuxe." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"
Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 08:53 AM:
Rated G Bruce
If you come over to my place and see dust an inch thick, dirty laundry and ironing piled high, blame it on my mother...
She always told me: "If you can't do a job right, don't do it at all!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2004, 09:00 AM:
Rated G from: Michele
How to tell if you need to pray at work.....
~When a coworker comes in a little too happy singing "good morning" to everyone and you think, "Somebody needs to slap the shit out of her...You need to pray at work.
~When someone comes in and announces, "Office meeting in 5 minutes," and you think, "What the fuck do they want now?"
....You need to pray at work.
~When your computer is mysteriously turned off and you want to say, "Which one of you assholes turned off my computer?" ....You need to pray at work.
~When you and a coworker are discussing something and a third person comes in and says, "Well, at my last office...", and you want to throw a stapler at him. ....You need to pray at work.
~When you hear a coworker call your name and the first thing that crosses your mind is, "What the hell does this jerk want now?", and you try to hide underneath your desk. ....You need to pray at work.
~When you're asked to stay late and help do someone else's work and the first thing that pops in your head is, "Both of y'all can kiss my ass ....You need to pray at work.
~When you're in the elevator and it stops to pick up someone who stood for minutes waiting for the darn thing and they only go DOWN one floor, and you say "Lazy Bastard ....You need to pray at work.
~When you take some vacation time and come back to find a mountain of paperwork sitting on your desk because no one else would do it and you think, "Sorry ass mothers" ....You need to pray at work.
~If you have ever thought about poisoning, choking, punching, slapping, or flattening someone's tires that you work with. ....You need to pray at work.
~If you avoid saying more than "hello" or "how are you doing" to someone because you know it's going to lead to their life story. ....You need to pray at work.
~If you have ever sat at your desk all day and played Solitaire, Free Cell, Jeopardy, Hearts or any other game, then get mad when someone walks into your office and you have to stop playing. ....You need to pray at work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-16-2004, 09:36 AM:
Rated PG
15 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN: by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on th e same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2004, 02:33 PM:
Rated R Uncle Bubba
Rejected Dr. Seuss Books:
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, You Bitch.
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbet
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Cat in the Blender
7. My Pocket Rocket Needs a Socket
8. Bi-Curious George
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2004, 02:37 PM:
Rated G
What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
"Do you believe in people?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-22-2004, 08:42 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A deaf friend who communicates by using "finger language" started playing volleyball.
As she was telling me how much she enjoyed the game,she added,
"But the first week my fingers hurt so much I could hardly talk!"
A deaf friend who communicates by using "finger language" started playing volleyball. As she was telling me how much she enjoyed the game, she added, "But the first week my fingers hurt so much I could hardly talk!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2004, 09:12 AM:
PG
POLITICALLY CORRECT: HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or "MOANER" - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not "EASY" - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not 'DUMB" - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not "NAG YOU" - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a "SLUT" - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT WHORE" - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:10 PM:
Rated PG Bubba
Q: If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?
A: On the Captain's dingy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2004, 12:15 PM:
Rated G Michele
This is interesting... A man in Germany claims that he has invented a process that straightens bananas.
Although he warns that if your banana remains straight for more than four hours, see your doctor.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2004, 11:06 AM:
Rated X
Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"
He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President Of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abraham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi...you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo?"
The guy yells, "Dat's da guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2004, 11:10 AM:
Rated G Dennis
Strange High School Nicknames
Poca Dots (Poca, WS)
Cairo Syrupmakers (Cairo, GA)
Frankfort Hot Dogs (Frankfort, IN)
Brown Scoopers (Sturgis, SD)
Cobden Appleknockers (Cobden, IL)
Freeport Pretzels (Freeport, IL)
Devil's Lake Satans (Devil's Lake, ND)
Speedway Sparkplugs (Speedway, IN)
Mesquite Skeeters (Mesquite, TX)
Maryville Spoofhounds (Maryville, MO)
Teutopolis Wooden Shoes (Teutopolis, IL)
Dunn Earwigs (Dunn, CA)
West Plaines Zizzers (West Plaines, MO)
Yuma Criminals (Yuma, AZ)
Pleasant Hill Billies (Pleasant Hill, OR)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2004, 11:13 AM:
Rated G Michele
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"
When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
And then she voted.
I work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week".
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh... Pacific."
And then he voted.
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but, "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
And then she voted.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seatbelt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket... quite a stretch if you're trapped in a seatbelt in a Continental!
And then she voted.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
And then they all voted.
I was hanging out with a liberal friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an ea rring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
And then she voted.
My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."
And then he voted.
My wife and I were trying to find a carry-on suitcase in one of those huge discount stores and had become hopelessly lost. We stopped and asked a department manager where we might find suitcases. "Did you try in Luggage?" she asked, and returned to what she was doing.
And then she voted.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," She asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
And then she voted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2004, 11:27 AM:
Rated G
AFRICAN SIGNS
* In a restaurant in Zambia:
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
* On a poster in Ghana:
"Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."
* In a hotel in Mozambique:
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 09h00 and 11h00 daily."
* On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo:
"Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."
* A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet:
"Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands!"
* On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leone hospital:
"Mental Health Prevention Centre."
* In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania:
"No children allowed!"
* In a cemetery in Uganda:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
* In a Malawi hotel:
"It is forbidden to steal towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don't read this notice."
* In a Namibian nightclub:
"Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."
* A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park:
"It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 09:35 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
ON THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS WITH A DEFT PEN
For lovers of good writing, these are the 10 top entries of this year's Bulwer-Lytton contest -- AKA The Dark and Stormy Night Contest -- (run by the English Dept. of San Jose State University). The rules are simple, one submits only the first line of a bad novel.
And the winners are:
10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the echo chamber, he would never hear the end of it."
9) "Just beyond the Narrows, the river widens."
8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description."
7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep... Andre creep... Andre creep.'"
6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved."
5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet store."
4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do."
3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."
2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied h! orror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly,'You lied!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 09:57 AM:
Rated PG Michele
On the weekend of the last guaranteed warm motorcycle outing of the year, I was bar tending at a club nearby. When the roaring machines pulled up outside, the tourists sitting in the lounge glanced nervously toward the door and conversation turned into uneasy whispering.
A group of tough looking bikers walked up to the bar, and one of them asked me where the phone was. I pointed it out, and warned him that the lady on it had been talking for half an hour and might take some more time to finish.
He just shrugged, and slowly walked over towards the payphone, casually rubbing his hands to get rid of the dead bugs that had bombed his knuckles during the ride.
When the woman on the phone saw that, she freaked, dropped the phone and ran, sure that she was going to get murdered, raped, robbed and yelled at.
The big biker just continued on to the phone, hung it up and rummaged for a quarter, then dialed a number.
All the tourists held their breath to hear what he was saying.
"Hi, Mom. We got here OK, and yes, we dropped off the cookies for Auntie Alice. Just want to let you know I'll be home earlier than planned, because it looks like it might rain later on."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 10:03 AM:
Rated G
I'm in real trouble.
First my laundry called and said they lost my shirt.
Then my broker said the same thing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-29-2004, 10:08 AM:
Rated G
Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.
That's actually what caused many of their deaths... pillow fights.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2004, 08:53 AM:
Rated PG
Life is all about ASS:
Your either covering it,
Laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
or behaving like one.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2004, 09:36 AM:
Rated G
Have you ever noticed that when the traffic signal turns green, automatically it activates the horn on the car behind you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
The Grudge is number one at the box office. Sarah Michelle Gellar is scared out of her wits alone inside a house.
When the phone rings, it’s Bill O’Reilly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 09:47 AM:
Rated G Michele
DIET SAYINGS:
The first thing dieters lose is a sense of humor.
All successful dieters exercise their self-control.
Consumption is a treatable disease.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
Overweight people are allergic to food. They break out in fat.
The best way to lose weight is by skipping; snacks and desert.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
You're not overweight. You're under tall.
Those who indulge, bulge.
He sees you when you're eating.
Carrot cake counts as a serving of vegetables.
Dieting is the penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Denial is not a river in Egypt!
Inside is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
Those who say, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels," haven't tasted real chocolate!
When you cheat on your diet, you gain in the "end".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2004, 10:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
'DEAD' WOMAN RETURNS HOME:
A woman who was thought to have died in a supermarket fire in Paraguay, has returned home in time for her own funeral.
Maria Esther Aguilera scared many of her relatives, who thought they were seeing a ghost.
She survived the fire that killed over 400 people in the Ycua Bolanos shopping centre on August 1.
The pregnant 37-year-old told UOL Tabloide: "I never thought that I would live to see my own funeral."
Mrs. Aguilera said that after she was rescued from the fire she was taken to a hospital where she stayed until the day she was discharged and went home.
The confusion happened when a TV station wrongly gave out her name as one of the dead.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 08:55 AM:
Rated G
A famous jurist once mistook an insane asylum for the college at which he was scheduled to speak. Realizing his mistake, he explained to the gatekeeper and commented, "I suppose, after all, there is not a great deal of difference."
"Oh, yes, there is," replied the guard. "In this place you must show some improvement before you can get out."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:24 AM:
Rated G
I'm thinking about getting married.I looked up the word
"engaged" in the dictionary.
It said, "To do battle with the enemy."
Then I looked up "mother-in-law." It said, "See engaged."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:39 AM:
Rated G
There's nothing quite like fireworks, unless you count hitting a lightning bug at night with the Weed Eater.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:42 AM:
Rated G Kevin in Hartford
Q: Who were the TWO most famous people shot in the back of the head in a theater...?
The answer is of course , Abraham Lincoln , and - the guy sitting in front of Pee-Wee Herman.....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:46 AM:
Rated PG Michele
Animals need more than just TLC to thrive. Here are some tips to help keep your pet healthy and happy for years to come:
When going on vacation, be sure to leave cans of dog food and a can opener where your dog can easily reach them.
If you love your cat, change your first name to Meow legally, and then train your cat to call you by name. Cool at parties.
Take your snake outside regularly. If not, no one will know you're one of those freaky snake people.
If your dog or cat starts wearing pointy, '50s-era women's eye- glasses, contact cartoonist Gary Larson immediately.
Owning a colorful cockatiel or mynah bird is a great way to make you wake up one morning, slap yourself on the forehead, and say, "Holy shit! I'm really gay!"
Most tropical fish are dead when they are upside-down and motionless at the top of the tank... remove after two weeks.
Many people consider their pets just as important a part of the family as its human members. This is normal. Just don't tell your spouse.
If you have a pot-bellied pig, with yellowish eyes at home ...best you check the pig's religious affiliation before considering marriage.
Unless you constantly reassure your dog that he is a good dog, he will likely grow depressed and eventually require sharing your anti-depressants.
When choosing a pet, remember she may be soft and cute, but Penthouse pet Julie Strain is extremely expensive and high maintenance.
Pet rabbits often benefit from a glass of white wine and light breading in a rosemary butter sauce.
Animals should always be stroked horizontally. Never try to go across the under belly of the pet... without parental permission.
Your rottweiler or pit bull won't turn on you and kill you someday if you train it properly. Honest. Put it out of your mind, it's a longshot.
If your puppies and kittens tend to grow bigger and less cute, consider a constrictive nylon mesh suit to maintain ideal size.
Getting your kids a boa constrictor and a dozen rats is a great way to teach them that the animal kingdom is not something that exists just for their amusement.
Old people enjoy pets. Get your pet one.
Seven out of ten people polled believe that giving a skunk as a wedding gift is de classe.
Most dogs in the White House adopt a President for photo shoots... best if the President is house-broken first.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2004, 10:53 AM:
Rated G Michele
The subway system in Glasgow consists of two circular tunnels, side by side, with the trains travelling in different directions (of course) on each one.
One evening, as a packed train of commuters was delayed at platform, the driver announced over the public address system,
"Sorry for the extended delay to your service.
I know you're all dying to get home,unless,of course,you happen to be married to my ex-wife,in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound track and go in the opposite direction".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 02:56 PM:
Rated G Maggie
I can never take for granted the euphoria produced by a cup of coffee.
I'm grateful every day that it isn't banned as a drug.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2004, 03:12 PM:
Rated G : Lorraine
"Library Principles for Students", from the Old Testament by Jim Farrington
1. Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the Library.
2. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the Library.
3. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the Library.
4. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the Library.
5. Of the round pies of baked dough, topped variously and wondrously with goodness of the Earth, especially with extra garlic and double cheese, you may eat, but not in the Library, neither may you carry such therein.
6. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but not in the Library.
7. Of the juices and other beverages, you may drink, but not in the Library, unless it is that drink of two parts hydrogen and one of oxygen and only then should the mixture be held in a container of the prescribed shape and nature that miraculously do not spill even when uprighted.
8. Indeed, when you reach the place where the Library carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink.
"Laws When at Table, in Carrel, or in Wingback"
1. And if you are seated in your comfy chair, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even though this might be something you would do in confines of your own domicile, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
2. Draw not with your pens or pencils or other implements of writing upon the table or the books before you, even in pretend, for we do not do that; that is why. Yours shall not be the last eyes to gaze understandably upon the words so written, and they should be as fresh for your followers as for you and your antecedents.
"On Vocal Discourse"
1. Do not speak loudly with thy neighbor or study mate within the Library; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you find a troubling idea foisted upon your eyes between the bindings of a book, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not; only remonstrate gently with a knowing nod, that you may correct the fault of the author in your own essay.
2. Likewise, if you find your mind wandering from the soulfulness of your studies, again I say, refrain from conversing with whoever be at hand so that others might not be so distracted.
3. Play not the electronic gadgets fitted to your ears at such a volume as to cause others to march to your drum machine.
4. Though the need will eventually arise that you must give in to your ignorance of a matter bibliographic and throw yourself prostrate to the all knowing ones behind the Great Oaken Desk in the Campbell Reference Center, wail not dispairingly nor gnash the teeth loudly, for the sound carries great and far in that part of the Library, and then many of your peers will know of your misfortune; behold, I whisper myself, yet do not die.
"Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances"
1. Attempt not to repair broken word carriers with your own tape, for these are matters better left to our specialists.
2. Forget not that to steal is one of the original sins, and you will be punished woefully, if not now then in the fullness of time.
3. Although the Library's computers are capable of seeing many wondrous sites in the World, look not upon the lascivious or unscholarly among them, nor print endless reams of things of which those who pay your bills would not approve.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:05 AM:
Rated G Michele
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Busch Gardens on vacation and decided to take a ride on the Loch Ness Monster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.
By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes," he said sheepishly, "Remain seated at all times..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:08 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
ANSWER: So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Bonnie
We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
THE REAL MEANING OF PLANT CATALOG TERMINOLOGY:
"A favorite of birds" means to avoid planting near cars, sidewalks, or clotheslines.
"Grows more beautiful each year" means "Looks like roadkill for the foreseeable future."
"Zone 5 with protection" is a variation on the phrase "Russian roulette."
"May require support" means your son's engineering degree will finally pay off.
"Moisture-loving" means plants are ideal for landscaping all your bogs and swamps.
"Carefree" refers more to the plant's attitude than to your workload.
"Vigorous" is code for "has a Napoleonic compulsion to take over the world."
"Grandma's Favorite" -- until she discovered free-flowering, disease-resistant hybrids.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:37 AM:
Rated G
There once was a conservative college in the east that had a standing rule, the heat was not to be turned on in the dormitories prior to a certain date.
Unfortunately, one year, winter decided to rear its frosty head early. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done.
After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message,
"TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!"
Apparently the heat was on within hours!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 10:42 AM:
Rated G
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life packages."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 12:54 PM:
Rated G Michele
IN A PERFECT WORLD
A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
People always have good reasons to be optimistic.
You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
All people could expect to be accepted.
Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 01:20 PM:
Rated G
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life.
"Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow."
"Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"
"As in any gamble," said Mama Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 01:31 PM:
Rated G Michele
Enjoying her vacation in Hawaii, Lisa called a cafe to make reservations for 7 P.M. Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Lisa said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-05-2004, 04:28 PM:
Rated G
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2004, 07:15 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A woman whose answer appeared in "Headlines," on THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH JAY LENO:
"No, I don't think a church should have a gay minister! That's just wrong! I'll bet Jesus is turning over in his grave right now!"
Leno: "Maybe you should go to church a little more, Lady!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2004, 08:41 PM:
Rated G Bob & Faye Kingston Ont.CA
Pearls of wisdom
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique-just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2004, 09:50 AM:
Rated G Nick
"Doesn't it bother you when people litter? The most creative rationale for throwing and apple core out the window is 'it will plant seeds for other trees to grow.' And, of course, our highways are lined with apple trees--right next to the cigarette bushes."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-12-2004, 09:41 AM:
Rated PG
John O' Neill hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the
street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other
night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only
been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2004, 09:34 AM:
Rated G Michele
Reason why I never visit rich people!!
Question: "What would you like to have? Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea, please."
Question: "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
Answer: "Ceylon tea."
Question: "How would you like it? black or white?"
Answer: "White."
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
Answer: "With milk."
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?"
Answer: "With cow milk please."
Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: "Um, I'll take it black."
Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar."
Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
Answer: "Cane sugar."
Question: "White, brown or yellow sugar?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water?"
Answer: "Mineral water."
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored?"
Answer: "I'd rather die of thirst."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2004, 08:58 AM:
Rated PG Spaz
New Drugs on Market
Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
Damitol: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
Peptobimbo: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.
Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person? & Can we get naked now?"
St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Extra Strength Buy-One-All: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
JackAsspirin: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
Antitalksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
Sexcedrin: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
Ragamat: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Flipitor: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Men-Gay: A rub-in ointment that enables single women to identify who to cross off the dating pool.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-02-2004, 12:12 PM:
Rated G
A scientist recently crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker. The bird not only carries messages, it knocks on the door.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 08:47 AM:
Rated PG Ollie
Q. Did you hear about the guy with a map of Canada tattooed on his ass?
A. Every time he sits down, Quebec separates.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:09 AM:
Rated G Michele
Ending a relationship is just like adjusting your underwear.
You feel better when the creep is gone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2004, 09:33 AM:
Rated G
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local Blockbuster. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffing him and hustling him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2004, 10:33 AM:
Rated G
"So far today, God, I've done all right.
I haven't gossiped,
I haven't lost my temper.
Haven't been grumpy,nasty or selfish.
I'm really glad of that.
But in a few minutes,God,
I'm going to get out of bed,
and from then on,
I'm probably going to need a lot of help."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2004, 02:29 PM:
Rated G Michele
Signs
Warning Label: On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.
Hummels - Largest Selection Ever "If It's In Stock, We Have It!"
Warning Label: On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."
In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy."
Georgia Peaches- California Grown - 89˘ Lb.
In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
Warning Label: On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.
Wanted: Success-oriented people to drive cement trucks-Only individuals with concrete plans for the future need.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2004, 09:50 AM:
Rated G Michele
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2004, 10:39 AM:
Rated PG
Maxine: That Grand Old Girl!
1. Maxine on "Driver Safety" -- "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures."
2. Maxine on "Life" -- "Life is like an oven. It burns my buns."
3. Maxine on "Housework" -- "I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."
4. Maxine on "Lawn Care" - "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless." *****
5. Maxine on "the Perfect Man" - "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed." ***********
6. Maxine on "Work" - "My performance at work has really improved over the years. Now I can nail a coworker with a paper-clip shot from a rubber band at 20 yards." *****
7. Maxine on "the Technology Revolution" - "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
8. Maxine on "Aging" - "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a large margarita ******
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2004, 10:48 AM:
Rated G
Tim Wilson, comedian, had this to say about Martha Stewart:
"Boy, I feel safer now that she's behind bars.
O.J. and Kobe are walking around, Scott Peterson's going to be out soon, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook and clean and haul her off to jail."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2004, 11:33 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Things We Hope Our Children Never Discover
The eyes in the back of our heads are only 20/40.
We can't wait until you're old enough to move out, too.
Doing chores has no effect whatsoever on building character.
When we were your age, we watched just as much TV... maybe more!
The Tooth Fairy is funded by the American Dental Association.
All those tee-ball games, dance recitals, school plays, band concerts, spelling bees and graduation exercises? We napped through 'em all.
Starving orphans in Ethiopia hate asparagus, too.
When we were kids, school was really just down the block.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2004, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Michele
Strange facts:
The double popsicle-stick was introduced during the Depression, so two people could share it.
Danny DeVito once studied to be a hairdresser.
Human DNA and jellyfish DNA are 80 percent identical.
The comic book character Aquaman's partner was Aqualad.
If you live in the U.S. and went out in your back yard and dug through the center of the Earth, you would not come up in China, but in the Indian Ocean, somewhere near Australia.
Oil from the ground is actually dark green, not black.
Opossums do not play dead. They actually faint.
Uncle Sam did not have a beard until the beginning of the Civil War or so.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 12:45 PM:
Rated G Michele
PROVERBS TO LIVE BY
"As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station.
I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they would let him out.
Lord, please let me find a one-armed economist so we won't always hear "on the other hand..."
The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever!
$100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 01:00 PM:
Rated G
Children Books That Didn't Make It To The Press:
1...You Are Different and That's Bad
2...The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3...Dad's New Wife Robert
4...Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5...Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6...The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7...Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
8...Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9...All Cats Go to Hell!
10...The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11...Some Kittens Can Fly.
12...That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13...Grandpa Gets a Casket
14...The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15...Garfield Gets Feline Leukaemia
16...The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17...Strangers Have the Best Candy
18...Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19...You Were an Accident
20...Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21...Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22...The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23...Your Nightmares Are Real
24...Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25...Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26...Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27...Places Where Mummy and Daddy Hide Neat Things.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2004, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
Michele
Dining out one evening I noticed some teenagers celebrating at a nearby table. When one girl pulled out a camera, I offered to take a picture of the group. After one photo I suggested taking another just in case the first one didn't come out.
"That's ok," she said as she took her camera back. "I always get double prints."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 02:49 PM:
Rated G Maggie
There is little chance for people to get together as long as most of us want to be in the front of the bus, the back of the church and the middle of the road.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 02:59 PM:
Rated G
BOATING TIPS
When water-skiing, never allow a feisty duck to hitch a ride on your skis.
Always stay at least five boat-lengths behind the whale in front of you.
While sinking to the bottom of a lake or ocean, screaming does not help.
When boating, always wear a swimsuit with suspenders. This makes it easier on the guys with the grappling hook when they're trying to retrieve your body.
Drowning can cause severe shortness of breath. And you don't even want to think about what it does to your complexion.
Always wear a life jacket in case you fall overboard. Also, it's a good idea to take along something to read, in case you're swallowed by a whale. Most whales seem to enjoy Moby Dick.
Boating while intoxicated is not illegal in some states, but it's stupid in all of them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:01 PM:
Rated G Michele
DAFFYNITIONS
I.V.Drip: An insufferable fellow from Harvard or Yale.
Parking: A scratch golfer.
Pandamonium: The black and white Chinese bears are groaning.
Fillibuster: One who breaks female horses.
Propaganda: A politically correct male goose.
Capitol punishment:. Sending someone to Washington to serve in the government.
Engineers: What Native Americans hear with.
Madam: Someone for whom the belles toll.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
A while ago, I went skiing. I got on this chairlift with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word.
Then he turned to me and said, "You know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years."
I said, "Why did you take such a long time off?"
He said, "I was in prison. Want to know why?"
I said, "Not really. Well, you better tell me why."
He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a Ferris wheel."
I said, "I remember you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:28 PM:
Rated PG Michele
PICK UP/ CONVERSATION STARTERS
"Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you..."
"Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?"
"Would you like to see my Congressional Medal of Honor?" (then, after fumbling with finding it, "Oops! I must have left it at home.")
"Did you have a color television when you were a kid? (Flesh this out with the old "settle an argument" trick, ask her what color Fred Flintstone's dog Dino is. This has *never failed* to generate further conversation.)
"What's your blood type?"
At the Laundromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?"
"Hi, I'm incredibly rich."
"Hey, I know you! You were Miss Ohio last year, weren't you?"
"Wow, I like your jeans. Did you design them yourself?"
"Gee, you look like my sister"
"Isn't my father your tax attorney?"
"I only have a month to live, and I feel like I've never really lived before. My appendix is about to burst, would you drive me to the hospital?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:47 PM:
Rated G
Alarm Clock: A small mechanical device used to wake up people who don't have children.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 03:54 PM:
Rated G
Advert seen in a British newspaper.
Dog free to a good home.
Eats anything, loves children.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 04:00 PM:
Rated PG
An attractive young lady with raven-black hair and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven.
Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?"
"I am," was her demure reply.
Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her.
Several minutes later the angel returned. "She's a virgin," the angel stated, "though I'm obliged to inform you that she *does* have seven small dents in her maidenhead."
Thanking him,St. Peter took his place behind the ledger and faced the girl."Well, miss, we're going to admit you.
What is your name?"
She replied sweetly, "Snow White."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 04:12 PM:
Rated G
Question: Why is turtle wax so expensive?
Answer: Because turtles have such tiny ears.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2004, 04:14 PM:
Rated G
"If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix.
That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2004, 09:48 AM:
Rated G George in Frisco
The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.
Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words "Rough Road."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2004, 09:53 AM:
Rated G Michele
Have you seen this nifty little thing in the stores? It's a small square wooden block. They call it the "Exercise Block." The directions say to set the block on the floor. Walk around it twice. Now sit down & rest.
Congratulations! You have just walked around the block twice! Who says exercise has to be exhausting? Keep this up and you'll be down 20 pounds by Christmas! (If anyone wants to try this, check with your doctor first. Then head on over to your local Walgreens...that's where I got mine. Now excuse me, while I go walk around the block.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2004, 12:29 PM:
Rated G Jersey T
Question: What did Adam say to Eve when she tried to order him around?
Answer: "Hey! I wear the plants in this family!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2004, 12:31 PM:
Rated G Michele
How can I fashion a time machine so I can use it to go back in time and prevent myself from ever building a time machine?
I will give you the answer to that question yesterday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2004, 12:32 PM:
Rated PG Michele
Miss Holly confided to me the other day that every once in a while she gets a tremendous urge to suddenly strip off her clothing and run around naked. When I asked her to call me next time she just giggled and said she had found a cure.
Naturally, I asked what it was.
She replied, "I just mix a little cocktail of Vodka with some Windex and drink it." Miss Holly claims it keeps her from streaking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 05:28 PM:
Rated G
Maury put in a 9-1-1 call to the paramedics....
"Can you tell me what happened, sir?" asked the dispatcher.
"Why, I was just driving my Buick down Main Street, near Elm - you know the area? - and I seen some kids over by the old drugstore - you know, ol' man Gumby's, we called it, but it's boarded up and they're making it over, gonna put a CVS in I think - and then BAM! an egg comes flying through my window - huh? yeah, the window was open, jeeesh, what, an egg can break a window? - and whops me one, right off the head! I hadta be going 30, maybe 35, and lemme tell ya, that sure stung," Maury recalled. "Drew a little blood, too, I can't really see it so I don't know if I need stitches or not."
"Did I understand you correctly, sir, you were hit in the head with an egg as you drove with your window down? You know, this time of year, we have a term for this, for our report logs."
"Yes, it was a drive-by'd egging, but *I* was driving," said Maury. "So what is this term you have for this incident... and is it all that common?"
"Well," said the dispatcher, "it's not *UN*common, and during the holiday season, we call that an 'EggNoggin'."
"Ah, you people are way too funny, with all your joking at the expense of our injuries. So tell me, what would you call it when someone walking down the street gets hit in the foot?"
"Well sir, I don't believe that one has come up yet."
"Well, when it does," said Maury, "I've got the term you can use... you can say he's been 'Missle Toed'."
"Oh, I get it sir. That's very funny. Did you need an ambulance?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-31-2004, 05:41 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"At the end of the game the king and the pawn go back in the same box."
-- Italian Proverb
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-01-2005, 06:20 PM:
Rated G Michele
Bizarre College Courses
At Georgetown University, you can boldly go where no other philosophy student has gone before in the "Philosophy and Star Trek" course, where students discuss the nature of time travel, the ability of computers to think and feel, and other philosophical dilemmas faced by the crew of the Starship Enterprise.
Students analyze the plots, themes, and characters of daytime soaps and discuss their impact on modern life in the University of Wisconsin's course entitled "Daytime Serials: Family and Social Roles."
If students wish to research how hot dogs, amusement parks, and the five-day workweek have impacted American leisure culture, they can take the University of Iowa course "The American Vacation." They'll learn how American families' varying backgrounds shape their vacation experiences.
Students at Bowdoin College can enroll in "The Horror Film in Context" in the school's English Department. Students read Freud and Poe and watch Hitchcock and Craven, all while discussing the horror genre's treatment of gender, class, and family.
At Williams College, students can learn more about those in the cement shoe industry by enrolling in "Comparative History of Organized Crime," which compares the work of goodfellas from the United States, Italy, Japan, and Russia.
Barnard College offers a course on "The Road Movie," which studies Easy Rider and Thelma and Louise, while also discussing the genre's literary precursors, like On the Road and The Odyssey.
Contemplate the relationship between sin and the art world at the Rhode Island School of Design's "The Art of Sin and the Sin of Art." The course catalog invites you to "lust with the saints and burn with the sinners."
At Centre College in Danville, Kentucky, students can take "Art of Walking," in which students not only read literature by noted perambulators like Kant and Nietzsche, but go for neighborhood strolls with their professor and his dog.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2005, 04:45 AM:
Rated G
A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a man come hurling headfirst through the window.
"What on earth are you up to? What just happened?" he demanded.
"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2005, 04:55 AM:
Rated PG
The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
[b]1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.The bozone layer, unfortunately,shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an azzhole.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-02-2005, 04:58 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me, "What do you do at a red light?"
I said, "I don't know, look around, listen to the radio"
Posted by Matthew Bailey (Member # 601) on 01-02-2005, 01:50 PM:
What do you call a masturbating Allis Chalmers tractor?
Orange Power Stroker
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2005, 10:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Peter Kay One Liners
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said,"Are you going to help?" I said,"No, Six should be enough."
You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
You can do anything if you want it bad enough. That is why we see so many people who can fly. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Of course, so does falling down a flight of stairs. (Richard Doty, Washington)
Never say die. I've tried, and it doesn't actually make people die. (Tom McCudden, Durham, N.C.)
Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability. (Donna Lewis, Vienna)
Laughter is the best medicine, but in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)
It takes a village to raise a child to hate all of the people in the next village. (Charles Star, New York)
The key to someone's heart is never lost: It's just that the locks were changed 'cause you're some sort of psycho. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)
You have to learn to crawl before you can grovel. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you're probably the executioner. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Every dog has his day. Of course, his day consists of smelling other dogs' butts. (Mark Briscoe, Arlington)
You've got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find the prince. But he probably isn't going to be interested in some frog-kisser. (Amanda Richards, Palatine, Ill.)
True beauty is on the inside, where no one will ever see it. (David Iscoe, Washington)
One person can make a difference, if that person is, like, Bill Gates or whatzisname, the speaker of the House of Representatives. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
Aspire to greatness. But remember that no one ever assassinated a refrigerator repairman. (Bird Waring, New York)
A high tide lifts all boats, except those with a big gaping hole in the bottom.
There are none so blind as those who have been in an accident at a fertilizer factory. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
You can run but you can't hide, except apparently along the Afghan-Pakistani border. (Bob Wallace, Reston)
Say not that honor is the child of boldness, nor believe thatthe hazard of life alone can pay the price of it; it is not the action that is due, but to the manner of performing it. You got all that? Me neither. (Chris Doyle, Forsyth, Mo.)
Every failure is a step to success up a ladder that will eventually collapse under the weight of all those failures. (Stephen Dudzik, Olney)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2005, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
I was on a cruise in the Caribbean with my guide dog.
The crew and passengers were fascinated by my dog,and everyone wanted to know: "Where does the dog relieve itself?"
My stock answer seemed to satisfy everyone. "The Poop Deck, of course."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2005, 10:07 AM:
Rated G
Accident Excuses
My truck was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
I hit a stationary truck that was coming from another direction.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong yard, and collided with a tree I don't have.
The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its path when it hit me.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my truck and vanished.
I had been driving my truck for 40 years when I fell asleep and had an accident.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go--so I ran over him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in- law, and headed over the embankment.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Andrew
My roommate, Tom, who had never dated much, finally had a chance to take out one of the school's prettiest young women.
However, the event caught him by surprise, and he had no money. He quickly sent off a telegram to his recently divorced father:
"Have date. Send money"
Back came the answer:
"Have money. Send date."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G Michele
One of the world's greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absent-minded professor.
One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."
When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."
"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:39 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Is It Love?
Bill and Steve are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," Bill says.
"Thought?" Steve asks. "What do you mean?"
"Three years ago, I cared very deeply for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me," Bill says.
"Wasn't that love?" Steve asks.
"No, that was obsession," Bill explains. "Then two years ago, I cared very deeply for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Wasn't that love?" asks Steve.
"No, that was lust," Bill replies. "And just last year, I met a woman while I was on a cruise. She was gorgeous, intelligent, a great conversationalist and had a super sense of humor. Everywhere I followed her on that ship, I would get a very strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
"Well, wasn't that love," asks Steve.
"No. That was motion sickness!" Bill replies.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:44 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Signs You've Grown Up:
You watch the Weather Channel.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2005, 10:55 AM:
Rated G B.B.
TOP TEN PARENTAL PHRASES
10.This is a place of business, not a playground.
9.Television is a reward, not a right.
8.Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
7.You're never tired for bed, but always too tired to get up in the morning. Why is that?
6.Good food before the bad food.
5."Because" is not a reason ... it's just a word.
4.You know, that's a tool, not a toy.
3.Knowing and doing are two different things.
2.The way you say something is just as important as the words you use.
1.When I'm talking to you, you'll know it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2005, 11:12 AM:
Rated G
Blaming someone else when the fault is really yours began in the Garden of Eden.
Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent, and the serpent, alas for him, didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2005, 11:15 AM:
Rated G Chris
A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.
"I've locked myself out of my car," replies the man.
"That's not a problem," replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me try rubbing my bottom on the door."
The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it in letting the man try - besides, it might be worth a laugh.
The passer-by turns his bottom to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door.
Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.
"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"
"It's easy," replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2005, 12:48 PM:
Rated G LAS In CT
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.
A person's left hand does 56% of the typing on average.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
..............Now you know everything.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2005, 12:56 PM:
Rated G Betsey
"The best way to save face is to keep the lower part of it shut."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2005, 01:47 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
The meaning of lots of phrases depend on your location.
A "Safe Cracker" in New York is a person who opens a victim's safe without knowing the combination; ...... in Georgia it's an AIDS-free girl on the pill.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:13 AM:
Rated G
One Liners
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"
"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"
Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years .... then we met.
Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
I see your IQ test results were negative.
I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Gerry
It is cold here in New York City! It's like the winters we used to have. It was so nasty out today that hookers in Times Square were charging $50 just for a hug.
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:40 AM:
Rated G B.B.
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You use cruise control at 25 mph.
You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:41 AM:
Rated G
Favorite Pick Up Lines
They may or may not be the best way to win someone over, but they are certainly a conversation starter, and if delivered right, may garner a good laugh.
Your eyes are the color of my Porsche.
I must be dead because this is certainly Heaven.
Somebody better call God and tell him he's missing an angel.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
Hi. My name is Mark Gates. Maybe you know my dad, Bill?
What's your sign?
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print"!
Excuse me, do you have any raisins? How about a date?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I'm sorry. Were you talking to me? No, oh - well then, please start!
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I'd be walking in my garden forever.
Hi. I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
Do you believe in love at first site or shall I walk by again?
If God made a woman more beautiful than you, I hope He kept her for himself.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-24-2005, 10:45 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Here's How The Professors Of Different Subjects Describe "A Kiss" In Different Ways:
Prof. of Algebra : Kiss is infinity because two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry : Kiss is the shortest distance between two lips.
Prof. of Physics : Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry : Kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology : Kiss is the interchange of salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology : Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry : Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy : Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics : Kiss is that thing for which the demand is always higher than the supply.
Prof. of Philosophy : Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English : Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper; it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Comp.Science : What is a kiss? It looks to be an undefined variable.
Prof. of Architecture : Kiss is a process which builds a solid bond between the two dynamic objects.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 09:56 AM:
Rated G Michele
SIGNS:
In a cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
In a cleaner's window: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.
In a Maine restaurant: Open seven days a week and weekends.
In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Michele
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?"
"Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?"
"I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
I'd like to get my hands on those rotten kids who keep calling me an old fart, but lately I've just been too pooped out!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:29 AM:
Rated PG Michele
I borrowed my brother's minivan to pick up a couple of stools from the furniture store. Halfway there I got a flat. It was 2 degrees Fahrenheit outside, I had no gloves and it took me 10 minutes just to get the frigging hubcap off (which I broke).
Once the hubcap was off I found that they had a wheel lock on there. The key wasn't by the spare so I popped open the glove box, but the key wasn't in there either. Instead, the glove box was packed with Kotex Maxi Pads for "Heavy Flow Days". There were enough blood-pads in there to staunch the wounds of the entire Iraqi army.
I changed the tire, picked up the stools and headed back to return the van--wondering the entire time what the hell she needed that stockpile for. I mean, a supply like that means you can't wander too far from home. I told my brother and sister in-law what happened, and my brother asked how long it took for me to find the key for the wheel lock. My sister-in-law blanched.
"Well," I chuckled, "once I realized that it wasn't beneath the 8000 miles of 'Heavy Flow' Kotex, I found it in the arm rest." My brother and I laughed as his wife screamed and ran away.
"Damn, man, what's the deal?" I asked.
"She has a long cycle..."
"A long cycle? A long cycle? If you stack those things up on the beach they can absorb the next tsunami."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2005, 10:34 AM:
Rated G Michele
You Know You Grew Up In The 80s or Early 90s If:
1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word "Psych".
2. You watched the Pound Puppies.
3. You can sing the rap to the "Fresh Prince of Belair" and you can do the "Carlton".
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.
7. You know that "WOAH " comes from Joey on Blossom.
8. You know what Parachute Pants look like and feel like.
9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock".
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect.
11. You can sing the entire theme song to "DuckTales " (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday Morning to watch cartoons.
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.
14. You saw the original "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" on the big screen... and still know the turtle's names.
15. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.
16. You had big hair and you knew how to use it.
17. You played the game "MASH" (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House).
18. You wore a stonewashed Jordache jean jacket and were proud of it.
19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM". (She's truly outrageous.)
21. You remember reading "Tales of a fourth grade nothing" and all the Ramona books.
22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF".
23. You wanted to be a Goonie.
24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing.
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.
27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pail kids in the schoolyard.
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.
29. You still get the urge to say "NOT " after every sentence.
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying, "I know you are, but what am I?"
36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonald's.
41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples.
43. Your motto was "Don't worry, be happy."
44. You wore like, FOUR pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down and over your tight jeans.
46. You remember boom boxes. . and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both "Gremlins " movies.
48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"
49. You remember watching "Rainbow Bright" and "My Little Pony".
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool... and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB".
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.
55. You just sang those words to yourself.
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.
57. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. Frizzy hair was IN.
60. You still sing "We are the World"
61. You tight rolled your jeans.
62. You owned a bannana clip.
63. You remember "Where's the Beef?"
64. You used to (and probably still do) say "What you talkin' about Willis?"
65. You're still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren't you!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2005, 03:49 PM:
Rated G Michele
Mrs. Trent, seated in her living room, heard the back door slam. Thinking it was her young son, she called, "I'm in here, darling. I've been waiting for you."
There was no answer for a moment and then a strange voice faltered,"I'm sorry, but I ain't your regular milkman."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 09:53 AM:
Rated G Michele
Why doesn't somebody cross electric blankets with toasters so that we could pop out of bed each morning?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:01 AM:
Rated G A Tribute to Johnny Carson
CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT (Johnny Carson) WE HARDLY KNEW YOU
ANSWER: Gatorade. QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
ANSWER: Bible belt. QUESTION: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants?
ANSWER: Milk and honey. QUESTION: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
ANSWER: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. QUESTION: Name three things you won't find in Los Angeles.
ANSWER: Black and white and twenty feet tall. QUESTION: Describe Sister Mary Kong.
ANSWER: Ben Gay. QUESTION: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids?
ANSWER: An unmarried woman. QUESTION: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
ANSWER: Disjoint. QUESTION: What was dat hippie smoking?
ANSWER: The Laughing Policeman. QUESTION: What do you call a cop who frisks himself?
ANSWER: Dustin Hoffman. QUESTION: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman.
ANSWER: Until he gets caught. QUESTION: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
ANSWER: Old wives tale. QUESTION: What do cannibals find hard to digest?
ANSWER: Rub-a-dub-dub. QUESTION: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub?
ANSWER: Shareholder. QUESTION: What did Sonny Bono used to be?
ANSWER: Skalliwags. QUESTION: What does your skalli do when it's happy?
ANSWER: David Frost. QUESTION: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
ANSWER: Head and shoulders. QUESTION: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's car?
ANSWER: Hickory Dickory Dock. QUESTION: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory dickory?
ANSWER: "Rose Bowl." QUESTION: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley?
ANSWER: That darn cat. QUESTION: Who ruined that darn rug?
ANSWER: High rollers. QUESTION: Describe a stoned bowling team.
ANSWER: Gunga din. QUESTION: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga?
ANSWER: "Follow the yellow brick road." QUESTION: What are good directions to a urologist's office?
ANSWER: At both ends. QUESTION: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
ANSWER: Igloo. QUESTION: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off?
ANSWER: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. QUESTION: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"?
ANSWER: Grape Nuts. QUESTION: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?
ANSWER: Supervisor. QUESTION: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes?
ANSWER: Crabgrass. QUESTION: What do crabs get high on?
ANSWER: Shake-N-Bake. QUESTION: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering Inferno.
ANSWER: Blazing Saddles. QUESTION: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch?
ANSWER: Flypaper. QUESTION: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper?
ANSWER: Deep freeze. QUESTION: Name an Eskimo porno film.
ANSWER: Bedbug. QUESTION: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?
So long Johnny, we hardly knew Ye!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:16 AM:
Rated G B. B.
"What Democracy Means to Me" by Johnny Carson
To me, democracy means placing trust in the little guy, giving the fruits of nationhood to those who built the nation.
Democracy means anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is people of all races, colors, and creeds united by a single dream: to get rich and move to the suburbs away from people of all races, colors, and creeds.
Democracy is having time set aside to worship - 18 years if you're Jim Baker.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.
Democracy means freedom of sexual choice between any two consenting adults; Utopia means freedom of choice between three or more consenting adults. But I digress.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto - usually a mop or a leaf blower. It means that with proper timing and scrupulous bookkeeping, anyone can die owing the government a huge amount of money.
Democracy means a thriving heartland with rolling fields of Alfalfa, Buckwheat, Spanky, and Wheezer.
Democracy means our elected officials bow to the will of the people, but more often they bow to the big butts of campaign contributors.
Yes, democracy means fighting every day for what you deserve, and fighting even harder to keep other weaker people from getting what they deserve.
Democracy means never having the Secret Police show up at your door. Of course, it also means never having the cable guy show up at your door. It's a tradeoff.
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
Democracy is being able to pick up the phone and, within a minute, be talking to anyone in the country, and, within two minutes, be interrupted by call waiting.
Democracy means no taxation without representation, and God knows, we've just about had the hell represented out of us. It means the freedom to bear arms so you can blow the "o" out of any rural stop sign you want.
And finally, democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head--this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.
I thank you. ~Johnny Carson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:28 AM:
Rated G Michele
I was seven months pregnant, standing in line at the post office for what seemed an eternity, when I started rubbing my lower back to try to ease the pain I was developing.
"Aww, honey," sympathized the woman behind me, "I had back pain during my pregnancy, too. In fact, I was bedridden for four months because my baby was sitting on a nerve."
Then the man in front of me piped up.
"You'd better get used to it now. Once those kids get on your nerves, they stay there till they're 18."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2005, 10:35 AM:
Rated G
A few months before I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small Tennessee town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me the word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it. But the stranger?
He was our storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries and comedies. If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.
Sometimes Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to her room and read her books. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never felt obligated to honor them. Profanity,for example, was not allowed in our home... not from us,our friends or any visitors. Our long-time visitor, however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad squirm and my mother blush.
My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in the home, not even for cooking. But the stranger encouraged us to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally embarrassing. I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked... and NEVER asked to leave.
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family. He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you were to walk into my parents' den today you would still find him sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name? We just call him TV.
Note: This should be required reading for every household in America!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2005, 05:12 PM:
Rated PG
ANGER MANAGEMENT
When I have the occasional bad day and need to take it out on someone, I don't take it out on my loved ones anymore...
I got the idea one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me.
I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi,this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?"
He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting
for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial ), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.
"Hello." "You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 2 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
This anger management stuff really works.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Without fail -- rain, hail, sleet or snow -- my dad rode his bike to work. However, when he retired, to replace his biking he started walking every day. On one occasion, he met his friend, who asked, "How are you doing, Rick?"
Dad replied proudly: "I just went for my beauty walk. What do you think?"
His friend looked him up and down and replied with a smile,"You didn't walk far enough."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 10:38 AM:
Rated PG Dennis
Child Support Agency Forms
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing fathers' name details.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had It replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look The same to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after All when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-01-2005, 10:43 AM:
Rated G Dennis
[Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show "Family Feud."]
Q: Name something a blind person might use: A: A sword.
Q: Name a song with moon in the title: A: Blue Suede Moon.
Q: Name a bird with a long neck: A: A penguin.
Q: Name an occupation where you need a torch: A: A burglar.
Q: Name something you wear on the beach: A: A deck chair.
Q: Name something red: A: My cardigan.
Q: Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: A: A horse.
Q: Name a number you have to memorize: A: Seven.
Q: Name something you put on walls: A: Roofs.
Q: Name something that doesn't have an engine: A: Dishes.
Q: Name something you might be allergic to: A: Skiing.
Q: Name a non-living object with legs: A: A plant.
Q: Name a part of the body beginning with "n": A: Knee.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2005, 09:29 AM:
Rated G Michele
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house. "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?" Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?" Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free. "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?" And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?" But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off. Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors. Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of t he woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own personhood, and chose to dialogue i with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develp and alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments. Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you." Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!" "You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head. "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure" said the Wolf. "Thanks." "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2005, 09:37 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Mom's answering machine
Hello- This is your Mother!
If you want my advice: PRESS 1
If you want to argue: PRESS 2
If you want your father to drive you somewhere: PRESS 3
If you want to leave a message: WAIT FOR THE TONE
If you want to aggravate me or borrow money: HANG UP!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"They say atomic radiation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them."
--Johnny Carson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2005, 09:51 AM:
Rated G Willow
Boys and Girls Are Born Equal But Not the Same
"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is a mess. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls grow into women. Boys grow into bigger boys.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2005, 11:45 AM:
Rated R Michele
A clip from "The Tonight Show" out takes (censored) shows Johnny Carson introducing sex symbol actress Raquel Welch in the mid- 70's. She was appearing to promote a new film. When Johnny introduced her, she came on stage dressed in her usual provocative fashion... but was also carrying a rather large house cat. Judging by Johnny's look, the cat wasn't part of the rehearsal. After much audience jubilance, Raquel took her seat next to Johnny with her cat resting on her lap. The first words out of her grinning mouth were, "Johnny, would you like to pet my pussy?"
Without missing a beat, Johnny replied, "I'd love to, but your cat's in the way."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2005, 11:28 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Despite the name, K-Y Jelly doesn't go that well with peanut butter.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 10:06 AM:
Rated G
Two horse thieves were arrested by a posse of cowboys, who decide to hang them for their crimes.
Unable to find any trees, the cowboys take the rustlers to a bridge and tie a rope around the first man's neck. Unfortunately, the rope breaks and the theif falls into the river below and he swims off to safety.
As they tightened the noose around the second man's neck, he manages to stammer... "I sure hope t-t-this is a strong rope."
"Why's that?" asks one of the cowboys.
"Because," gulped the thief, "I can't swim!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 12:00 PM:
Rated G Willow
Funny Statistics
1. Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film : 4
2. Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White : 3506
3. Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus : 8 Age most people stop believing in politicians : 7
4. Number of chemical elements in the universe : 104 In a glass of New Jersey tap water : 98
5. Number of "Yuppie-dramas" now being developed by the 3 major networks : thirtysomething
6. Number of days into baseball season before Cleveland Indians are written off as pennant contendors : 5
7. Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski slope : 17 On Tammy Bakker : 1/4
8. Salary of the average Pro Wrestler : $47,500 /yr. If Pro Wrestling didn't exist : $4.25/hr.
9. Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney : 2,000,000 Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney : 23,000,000
10. Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city" : 23
11. Number of pe.ople who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57 Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals : 5,840
12. Number of pe.ople in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast : 2 Restrictions for that fare : 237
13. Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code : 11% Percentage of accountants who understand it : 9% Percentage of IRS employees who understand it : 6%
14. Number of people who work for the government : about half
15. Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate : 2,478,644 Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy : 2,478,644
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Michele
A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap - You're Merlin aren't you?
Merlin - Why yes. It's nice to be recognized!
Chap - Bit of a Wizard I hear?
Merlin - Well yes, I've been told I'm skilled.
Chap - Do tricks and things...don't ya... Magical stuff?
Merlin - Magical... yes that's correct.
Chap - Turn kings into frogs...and that sort of thing. Is that right?
Merlin - Well, yes... I suppose I could turn a king into a frog!
Chap - Ever mucked up...Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin - Well, yes...hasn't everyone?
Chap - Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin - Yes I can... with knowledge of who applied the curse and the actual words of enchantment, I could do it. Why?
Chap - I'm Cursed.
Merlin - Really... and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap - Years...
Merlin - Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap - Yeah...can't forget them!
Merlin - What were they?
Chap - Something like... Do you take this women to be your lawfully wedded wife...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2005, 12:17 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Teen's Thought For The Day:
"The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug."
Parent's Thought For The Day
"There are two great injustices that can befall a child. One is to punish him for something he didn't do. The other is to let him get away with something he knows is wrong."--Robert Gardner
Coach's Thought For The Day
"Whining isn't everything."
Deep Thought For The Day:
"A woman's place is in the House... or the Senate."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2005, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Michele
It's hard being human. Look at the prototypes-Adam & Eve. That's a lot of pressure being the first people. You make one mistake, *everybody* hears about it.
You're constantly answering embarrassing questions about how you messed up; "Okay for the five millionith time, I was sitting around, minding my own business, and she goes... 'Want a bite?'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:06 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:09 PM:
Rated G Gerry
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:16 PM:
Rated G Betsy
The most frequently heard complaint from northern drivers in the South is "Southern drivers don't use their turn signals"...
If we live in a small Southern town, we presume that everyone knows where we are going,and turn signals are unnecessary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:20 PM:
Rated G
How can you tell when there's a elephant in your bed?
By the big "E" on his pajamas.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:22 PM:
Rated G Michele
You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"
Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:24 PM:
Rated G Michele
The Gerber Company is in big trouble. They had to recall 10 million pacifiers.
It seems a Consumer Reports study came out saying they sucked.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2005, 07:28 PM:
Rated G Michele
Here's a listing of some recently-published "new books" & their author....
- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2005, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two days after my husband,Dennis,put 30 tiny chicks in a makeshift shed,the outdoor temperature dropped.Afraid the birds would freeze,Dennis stripped a spare bedroom in the house and, over my fierce protests,moved them into a pen in the room.
The chicks grew quickly and took on a distinctly unpleasant odour. One day I phoned an understanding friend and began to pour out my troubles."Hi,it's me again.We won't be coming over tonight.I really wanted to visit,but I told Dennis I'm sick and tired of the smell and the noise,and he has to get those chicks out of the bedroom today!"
As I paused for breath,I heard,"Who is this?" from the shocked recipient of my misdialed call.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:26 PM:
Rated G
George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "Can Albert come out to play?"
"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."
"Well,then," said George,"can his football come out to play?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:30 PM:
Rated G B.B.
SIGNS YOU NEED COOKING LESSONS
You consider it a culinary success if the Pop Tart stays in one piece.
Your dog goes over to the neighbors at dinner time.
When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third has the phone in hand with 911 on speed dial.
The E.P.A. insists all of your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
Your two best recipes are meat loaf and apple pie, but your guests can't tell which is which.
Your family prays after they eat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
As a hobby my cousin makes picnic tables. He and I were on our way to deliver one to a friend and had secured the table to the top of our small car.
While we were stopped at a red light, a colleague of my cousin pulled up beside us in his truck. "Going on a picnic?" he asked.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:48 PM:
Rated G Michele
A website dedicated to collecting and sharing humorous English mistakes released the Top 10 Romantic Mistakes from students learning English. "Any of us learning a new language is going to make a lot of mistakes, and a few are going to be funny enough to pass around,"said Bryant Oden,creator of InnocentEnglish.com, in a news release.
"In honor of Valentine's Day, we pass around this very romantic top 10 list."
Top 10 Most Romantic Lines From New English Language Students
10. I fell in love with her the first time I sawed her.
9. He had such a worm heart.
8. We were two sheeps passing in the night.
7. We have hated each other for so long. I want to borrow the hatchet.
6. My dentist makes me blush twice a day.
5. I don't know if he will propose, but I am expecting.
4. I have something exciting to tell you. My girlfriend and I got enraged last night!
3. The groom was wearing a very nice croissant.
2. He lifted the veal off her face and gave her a big kiss.
1. I think she is really glad she got marinated.
Recipes: Next, chop all the vegetarians into little pieces.
Health: It is dangerous to smoke while you are becoming pregnant.
Sports: It was so exciting to watch! The cheerleaders threw up high into the air.
Politics: The President got off the plane and gave a big kiss to the first ladder.
Grammar: Should I have a coma in the middle of this sentence?
Music: When he was through singing he had a standing ovulation.
Food: Do you like this food? I made it from scratching!
Parents: My bed has three blankets and a large guilt my parents gave me.
Weather: Rain makes old cars lust. So be careful about that. Once a car starts lusting, there's no way to stop it!
Travel: You can't sleep with me because it is too crowded. But you can probably sleep with my sister. That's what most of my friends do when they visit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 12:50 PM:
Rated G B.B.
One-Liners
What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy? A Saddle Light Dish
Pop quiz: A paternity suit.
Polyunsaturated: A dry parrot.
If a rabbit is raised indoors, it would be an ingrown hare.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 02:27 PM:
Rated PG Social Security
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2005, 05:07 PM:
Rated G
Eight Words With Two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) a.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family
Male: Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male: A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:09 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
We had set up a hobby beehive at our family cottage, and now only needed some bees. My aunt said she knew a man who had a bee farm and could supply us with them.
I asked if we'd have to pay.
"Of course you will," she replied with a grin, "there are no freebees."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:13 PM:
Rated G
"Hard to believe it's February. The Super Bowl is over. The football season is over. You know what that means guys... It's time to take down those Christmas lights."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:24 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Love is in the Air...Maybe?
If you have ever wondered how you can tell if you're really in love, just ask your- self this question...."Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"
If you want your marriage to sizzle remember this: When you're wrong, admit it. When you're right, keep your mouth shut!
Adam to Eve...."Do you still love me?" Eve to Adam..."Who else?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:38 PM:
Rated G Gerry
A nickel goes a long way these days. You can carry it around for weeks before you find something to buy with it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-12-2005, 01:49 PM:
Rated G Dennis
Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to...
(Looks into an empty glass) DOH!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2005, 01:40 PM:
Rated G A Joke of Genius
Question: What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
Answer: Do these genes make my butt look fat?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2005, 01:42 PM:
Rated G
I had a terrible nightmare last night. I dreamt I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2005, 01:46 PM:
Rated G
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime that you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you will get it wrong.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Michele
"How To Be A Good Husband"
** He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row.
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "It's definitely an interesting dress."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2005, 09:46 AM:
Rated G Elaine
Most hierarchies were established by men who now monopolize the upper levels, this depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities to achieve incompetence.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-16-2005, 09:49 AM:
Rated G Michele
I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2005, 09:37 AM:
Rated G Michele
BIZARRE FESTIVALS:
CHEESE-ROLLING (U.K, May). Cheese-rolling has taken place on the slopes of Cooper's Hill, near Birdlip in Gloucestershire, since the 15th Century. When the cheese is released, competitors run down the hill and attempt to catch it before it reaches the bottom. The event was permanently cancelled when eight people were injured in 1992.
DAY OF THE DEAD (Mexico, 2 November). According to Indian folklore, this is the day when the deceased return to life. Families conduct macabre graveside picnics, offering food to the dead, and then tuck into a feast of their own, eating chocolate coffins, sugar wreaths and fancy breads adorned with skulls and crossbones.
GOTMARR FESTIVAL (India, September). During the full moon, the 45,000 inhabitants of Pandhura divide into two groups and start hurling rocks at one another until sunset. In 1989, there were 616 casualties, including four deaths as a result of the event.
GRANDMOTHERS' FESTIVAL (Norway, July). First held at Bodo in 1992, the festival sees grannies riding motorbikes, racehorses skydiving and scuba diving. The star of the inaugural event was 79-year-old Elida Anderson who became the world's oldest bungee-jumper.
RUNNING OF THE SHEEP (U.S., September) Reedpoint, Montana stages a gentle alternative to Spain's famous Running of the Bulls. Hundreds of sheep are released down Main Street for six blocks. There are also contests for the ugliest and pretties ewes while shepherds assemble to recite poetry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2005, 09:38 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2005, 10:01 AM:
Rated G
W.C. Fields' 12-step program...
1. "I drink therefore I am."
2. "There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation."
3. "Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times."
4. "Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
5. "The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."
6. "Anything worth having is worth cheating for."
7. "Never give a sucker an even break."
8. "Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth."
9. "Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words."
10. "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty."
11. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar."
12. "Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2005, 09:50 AM:
Rated G Billy
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY
CASHTRATION Bill had just purchased his new home and loved it except for the feeling of cashtration that set in after the first month.
DEFINITION: The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 12:44 PM:
Rated G Dennis
The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"
The man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to *Give* you anything."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 12:46 PM:
Rated G
I Don't Want To Be A Doctor Because...
If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job.
If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can't stand podiatry.
I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
But a friend told me that oncology would grow on me.
I'm told pediatrics is child's play!
I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they'd see right through me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.
I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.
I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.
It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 01:01 PM:
Rated G
It's that time of the year again:
Will February March? No, but April May.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 01:03 PM:
Rated G ![[eyes]](graemlins/eyes.gif)
Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 01:12 PM:
Rated G
A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother.
Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He is Dead
Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.
Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.
Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?
Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-24-2005, 01:24 PM:
Rated G
Identifying Where A Driver Is From
* One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: Chicago
* One hand on wheel, one finger out window: New York
* One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
* One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on acceler- ator: California. With gun in lap: L.A.
* Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
* Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
* One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
* One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male
* One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keep- ing speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
* Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia
* Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2005, 10:52 AM:
Rated G
After a long weekend,my co-worker and I were sent by New Jersey's highway maintenance department to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area.
The first one we put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
We moved down the road to repair the next sign, and looking back, we spotted a deer running across the highway.
My co-worker turned to me. "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?" he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2005, 10:10 AM:
Rated G
This is an actual collection from medical interview records written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists, and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals...
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2005, 10:14 AM:
Rated G Elaine
What are the odds that we humans are the dumbest race in the universe?
With a universe as big as ours, the good news is that it's unlikely we're the single dumbest race in the whole joint. Sure it's possible. But the odds are on our side that when God scraped the bottom he didn't come up with us.
That honor probably belongs to an insignificant race in a backwater solar system that goes around praying to God on Sundays and killing each other Monday through Friday, and sometimes Saturday, depending if they didn't get the job done right during the week.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
After my grandfather's wake, my sister and aunt were driving from the funeral home, which we had used many times before, to the cemetery. "I've done this drive so often," my aunt said, "I could do it with my eyes closed."
"One day you will," replied my sister.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:34 PM:
Rated G Donna
"Do you know anything about palmistry, Betty?" asked Janet.
"Not much," she replied. "Although I had an experience in handreading last night.I glanced at the hand of my husband and knew that money was coming his way."
"You knew that from his hand?"
"Yes, it had four aces in it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:51 PM:
Rated G Michele
Geek Pickup Lines
"Someone must have shot you with a phaser set on 'stunning.'"
"I can't help it -- my eyes are trapped in the gravitational field of your breasts!!"
"Nice Asimov."
"Not only can I beam you aboard, I can beam you a woody."
"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
"I'm the droid you're looking for."
"Is that a spare Vulcan ear in your pocket or... well, I'm just asking because some jerk in the parking lot pulled off one of my Vulcan ears."
"Hey, baby. I own Microsoft."
"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2005, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Michele
The Top 18 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tips
18> Save honeymoon money by staying at Howard Johnson's, where kids stay free!
17> Be sure to bring a few Game Boys so the groomsmen don't get bored during the ceremony.
16> "Let's see, there's Mary Kay, her two kids, Vili's adolescence ... what's blue? Wait -- the prison guard's uniform!"
15> To ensure that guests of all ages have a good time at the reception, be sure to have a separate "adult's table."
14> White is for the virgin bride. Off-white is appropriate for second weddings. Stripes are fine for convicted child-rapists.
13> Have the reception menu mirror the happy couple's first meal together: sloppy joes, Tater Tots and a bottle of Sunny D.
12> Add a clause to his vows making him promise to visit you in the nursing home when he's 40.
11> Make sure the groomsmen's exposed boxer shorts match the bridesmaid's dresses.
10> Dress the ring bearer in the same color as the groom. You'll have an extra tuxedo in case the groom spills his chocolate milk during the reception!
9> Use an opaque veil to keep the groom from coming to his senses.
8> Tuck in your bridal veil *before* doing a wicked 180 and rail- slide across the pews during the processional.
7> 1. Fire cake decorator. 2. Scrape off "pedophile" and replace with "Mary Kay."
6> Keep in mind that his parents may not see the humor in the reception band playing "Hot for Teacher."
5> Find out if Michael Jackson is available to babysit.
4> You'll be away for a whole week on your honeymoon, so don't forget to set the TiVo to record "Jimmy Neutron" while you're gone.
3> Make sure the sippy cups are on the right of the wine glasses.
2> On the wedding night, dress up in something that gets your man really excited -- like a Power Ranger outfit.
... and the Number 1 Mary Kay LeTourneau Wedding-Planning Tip ...
1> Hands off that hot little ring bearer -- you're taken!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:00 PM:
Rated G Michele
As I'm sure you know, Prince Charles and Camilla announced they're going to get married. They're going to get married at London's Town Hall, where Camilla once worked. As a gargoyle.
Prince Charles announced he will not have a best man. He said Camilla is man enough.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:03 PM:
Rated G
My father, who is responsible for burials in the local cemetery, was instructed to dig a grave for a funeral the next day.
He misunderstood the message and dug the grave in the wrong section of the graveyard.
Just before the funeral, Dad's mistake was discovered.
But the deceased's son was very understanding. "My father always complained that he never could find a parking space," he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:05 PM:
Rated G Michele
A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.
Radioing Earth they yell: "Houston, we've got a problem, there's a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there."
"Go out and make contact, find more about them", was the reply.
So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: "Do you all dress like that?"
"Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:29 PM:
Rated PG
Michele
I hope others enjoy an insight in to this often mentioned but mysterious location. Here is another day at Camp David. I have three stories on a wonderful web site about Camp David. That site address follows the below story.
Look under Sea Stories. Bill King a former Camp Senior Chief owns and maintains the site. Al Williamson
Tree Phone by Allen Williamson
During a visit in the late sixties and before cell phones, a guest rushed up to me and asked where he could find the closest telephone. We were some distance from any cabin, the office, or Hickory. I just walked over to the side of the road, reached around behind a tree, and pulled out a telephone receiver. He exclaimed, "It's amazing, you people think of everything."
I walked away as he made his call and neglected to mention that the phone in the hollowed out tree was a one of a kind and simply there close to the fireplace wood and equipment storage shed for the convenience of the grounds crew. Sometimes it is fun not to say too much.
http://home.mchsi.com/~cbretvet/
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:42 PM:
Rated PG
It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Harry Alexander packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Gary Thorndike. Gary asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it's the wildest town anybody's ever seen. There's booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who'll drive you crazy with their favors."
"Why are you taking your Bible?"
"Well, if it's as good as they say, I'm planning to stay over Sunday!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2005, 01:51 PM:
Rated G
"I've gone into hundreds of fortune-teller's parlors, and have been told thousands of things, but nobody ever told me I was a policewoman getting ready to arrest her."
---New York City Detective
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:19 AM:
Rated G Betsey
Now that we've retired and live in the country, I have finally started gardening, as I've wanted to do all my life. My husband likes to help out and often comes home with plants he's found along the side of the road.
One day he came home with an odd-looking plant that I put in front of our house in a nice, sunny spot. It grew quickly, but produced no flowers, which was unfortunate since I wanted a flowering bush in that spot!
As I was digging it up to transplant it, a very nice police officer stopped and asked me where I had found that plant. I told him that my husband brought it home and said there was an entire field of them. "If you want some, I'm sure he can tell you where to find them."
Well you can imagine my horror when the policeman informed us we were growing marijuana! The next time my husband goes on a plant foraging expedition, I'm sending along a plant identification book. Who knows what he could bring home!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:24 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Having just graduated from the College of Agricultural Sciences at Penn State University, I eagerly put my newly acquired knowledge to work to produce the perfect garden. Since my young daughter was interested, I encouraged her to help me plant the various crops and to harvest them when they were ready. Finally only the tomatoes were left. I hovered protectively over them and checked their ripeness frequently.
One day I found a bucket of still-green tomatoes on the step, and my daughter was busy gathering more. Dismayed I asked her why she had picked them. My sweet daughter's earnest reply was, "I thought they turned red when you cooked them, like lobsters."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:38 AM:
Rated G Andy
AN ULTIMATE BLESSED LIST
Blessed are they who do the ironing, for they shalt not be depressed.
Blessed are they who process lettuce, for they shalt see the tip of the iceberg.
Blessed are the fishermen, for they shalt have net income.
Blessed are those who drink orange juice, for they shalt be able to concentrate.
Blessed is he who attends church at more than one denomination, for he shalt be bi-sectual.
Blessed are those who make perfect bread, for they shalt be a good roll model.
Blessed are they who have cellular phones, for they shalt receive the call wherever they are.
Blessed are those who turn off their cellular phones, for they shall have peace.
Blessed are those who laugh often, for they shalt have strong funnybones.
Blessed are those who speak as lawyers, for they shalt be brief.
Blessed are those who meet their mate on the internet, for it shall be love at first site.
Blessed are bald men, for they shalt not have toupee for hair cuts.
Blessed are the plastic surgeons, for they shalt put a whole new face on things.
Blessed are the electricians, for they shall remove your shorts.
Blessed are the hard of hearing for they shall miss all the small talk.
Blessed are those who swallow bitter words so they won't have to eat them later.
Blessed are the brief, for they shalt have lower phone bills.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G B.B.
There are four kinds of Mall parkers:
"Search and destroyers"... roam the aisles, cruising endlessly for the perfect spot.
"Lay and wait"... parkers position themselves at the end of an aisle and wait for a space to open up in what they start to believe is their territory.
"Stalkers"... the most predatory, slowly follow shoppers leaving the store back to their parking spot.
Lastly, the "See it and take it"... who don't care how far they have to walk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:45 AM:
Rated G George
I was the last to leave the office one Friday evening and managed to lock myself out without my overcoat and wallet.
Kneeling in a deserted hallway to try picking an electronic lock with a paper clip, I heard the seam of suit trousers rip apart.
About then I realised I needed a screwdriver to remove the lock plate, and said so aloud.
Seconds later the elevator doors next to my office opened, revealing a screwdriver in the middle of the floor.
There was a crackle from the wall speaker next to the elevator.
"This is security," said a voice. "There's your screwdriver. Sorry, but I don't have any needle or thread for your pants." ![[Embarrassed]](redface.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2005, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident."
The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?"
The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:26 AM:
Rated PG Lorraine
A little boy came home from school yesterday crying. All the boys at his school got new suits, but his parents couldn't afford to buy him one.
Instead his parents bought him a new hat and just let him look out the window.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
Bizarre Last Words of Men About to Be Executed
As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."
Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."
Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.
On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'"
Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.
Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."
Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."
Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."
Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.
As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:39 AM:
Rated G Betsy
When a young announcer was raising funds on a local public television station, a woman called in and told the volunteer operator she would donate a hundred dollars if the announcer would shave off his beard.
He agreed to help the cause and returned to work clean-shav
en. The following day, the check arrived from his mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2005, 10:58 AM:
Rated G
On one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.
At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."
As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"
Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, 'I'm the large party."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2005, 09:39 AM:
Rated G Michele
If you think technology has changed the work world, just take a look at what's happening in never-never land. A recent update reports that today:
Little Bo Peep never loses sheep because of their embedded silicon identity chips.
Cinderella searches for her prince on Match.com - and leases her pumpkin-colored SUV at Avis.com.
Hansel and Gretel use the GPS rather than breadcrumbs but have reported problems stuffing the wicked witch into her microwave oven.
To avoid travel stress, Alice now plans her Wonderland vacation with velocity.com.
A reformed Ebenezer Scrooge sends Bob Cratchett to update his certification for Excel and Quiken.
Jack's making a fortune on his beanstalk bioengineering breakthrough.
Old McDonald uses voice recognition to make ordering easy at his agricultural auction site EIEIO.COM.
Romeo and Juliet avoid tragic problems by keeping in touch through their cell phones.
With her early Web capabilities, Charlotte is now a motivational speaker at tech conferences around the world.
The Pied Piper switched career fields after his tunes were bootlegged on Napster.
King Arthur has replaced that expensive round table with satellite videoconferencing.
Gulliver is on sabbatical using up all his frequent flyer miles.
Jack and Jill order their Evian on peapod.com.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated G Michele
I'm dyslexic and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm tense.
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now I know why you named your daughter Hannah."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2005, 09:42 AM:
Rated G
GOOD, BAD, WORSE
GOOD: You find an Armani suit on sale at a terrific price! BAD: It needs a little work at your alterations shop. WORSE: The tailor there has never seen an Armani suit before...
GOOD: The tests are positive - you're gonna' be a dad again! BAD: You really can't afford another kid on your pay. WORSE: You haven't told your wife...
GOOD: Your daughter has been chosen Head Cheerleader! BAD: She's been sidelined by a persistent rash. WORSE: It's jock itch...
GOOD: Your mother in-law makes a chocolate cake you love! BAD: You get home and she's come for dinner, apparently empty- handed. WORSE: No, she's brought your cake. It's in the den with her luggage...
GOOD: You went for the 100,000 mile, head-to-tail warranty on the RV. BAD: You watch the odometer pass 99,999... WORSE: when a cloud of white smoke fills the passenger compartment.
GOOD: The kids are getting really good at surfing the Internet! BAD: You worry about all the sicko porn sites out there! WORSE: You get a bill for hosting a website - Kidporn.net
GOOD: You're enjoying Parent's Night at Millard C. Fillmore Jr. High school... BAD: until a school counselor urges therapy for both your son & daughter. WORSE: You only have one kid...
GOOD: You've got the nicest gardens in town thanks to Mario, your gardener. BAD: Your wife beams when she talks of the hours spent helping him. WORSE: She doesn't have a suntan...
GOOD: You're the man! You'll go to the National Trade Show with the Boss. BAD: Hotel space is tight. You will share his suite for a week. WORSE: On the flight down, he tells you you're cute...
GOOD: Your daughter loves a nice young man, the owner of the local hair salon. BAD: There's a rumor going around town that he's gay. WORSE: Your wife guarantees you that he's not...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G Michele
REDNECK HAIKU - for those with finer sensibilities
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
you are my cousin
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'Clock
DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants 'rassling doll
Mama whups his ass
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2005, 09:50 AM:
Rated G
My dear friend, a divorcee, never remarried, and her daughter wanted to know why.
"The men I know would bring too much heavy baggage to the marriage and I simply don't want to put up with it," she explained.
Taking her mother's hand in hers, my friend's daughter said sweetly, "I hate to break the news to you, Mom, but you're not exactly carry-on yourself."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2005, 09:35 AM:
Rated G Michele
Studying the Oregon Commercial Motor Vehicle manual afforded me the opportunity to learn this important driving factoid:
"According to accident reports, the vehicle that trucks and buses most often run into is the one in front of them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2005, 09:41 AM:
Rated G
While my wife was out of town, our rabbi's wife borrowed a fancy pie pan. It was returned a few days later filled with an apple pie. When my wife asked where the pie came from, I told her it was baked by our rabbi's wife, who said she never returns something without filling it up.
"Good, you should let her borrow our checkbook," she replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2005, 09:45 AM:
Rated G Michele
While down in Houston Texas on a visit, I had a dinner date with a local lady I had met on the Internet.
When I went to pick her up she answered her door attired in a very low-cut, tight fitting, black dress. My eyes approvingly roving the lovely scenery before me, I commented, "That's certainly a beautiful dress."
"Sho 'nough?" she asked sweetly.
"Yes, It sure does," I slowly replied....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2005, 09:55 AM:
Rated G
Linda: "What's that you're reading?"
Jill: "A diary."
Linda: What's in it?
Jill: "I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair, It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared lightly with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to Margaret."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 09:58 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Recently,I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So,I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,and see that there is only one checkleft.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been
drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.I see that
the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter,and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on
the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long,and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything. So anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down.
Then one day I got a call from the woman who lives in the apartment next door. It just said, "Cut it out!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2005, 11:04 AM:
Rated G Dennis
More Bizarre Newspaper Headlines
Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store
Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work
Deadline Passes for Striking Police
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 10:41 AM:
Rated G Michele
A Manhattan restaurant has recently begun allowing patrons to get naked for their monthly "Clothing Optional Dinner."
The Top 5 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad bar looks like the popemobile.
and the Number 1 Surprise at a Nudist Restaurant...
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were signaling for the check."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 10:43 AM:
Rated R
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction.
My copy of the script clearly said, "Enter Juliet from the rear."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 10:44 AM:
Rated PG Michele
A two-headed lamb has been born in China. Do you know what they would call that in the South?
A double date.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 09:52 PM:
Rated G
Top 5 Real Reasons Queen Elizabeth is Skipping Charles and Camilla's Wedding
5) Hates it when the band makes everyone get up and do the "Chicken Dance."
4) Let's face it, British food sucks.
3) Too worried to see what outfit Prince Harry will wear.
2) Yankees-Red Sox game is on satellite that day.
1) It'll make things less awkward when they get divorced.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2005, 09:56 PM:
Rated G
Home remedies that REALLY WORK
Home Remedies:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!
The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough..
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
On a trip to Philadelphia during "the season of potholes," my friend had just asked me to take the wheel.
I hadn't driven very far when, with my hand resting on the center of the steering wheel, I accidentally blew the horn. At that moment I also hit a large pothole.
"That won't work," my friend quipped. "They won't move."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 12:59 PM:
Rated G Spaz
Remember those little cliches your parents would use on you when you were growing up?
...And now they are coming out of your mouth!!!!
***"You can do that (whatever) when the cows come home."
If they had only let you have the keys to the truck, you could have done so many things!
***"Where in tarnation did you get that?" What's a "tarnation"!? Well, a tarn is a mountain lake.
But Webster's Dictionary says, "tar·na·tion - noun - Etymology: alteration of darnation, euphemism for damnation. Date:1790."
Uh oh! Now you know!
***"You can't have your cake and eat it, too."
As adults we know the truth. If you eat the cake you will have it forever - in gentle rolls all over your body!
***"Be careful with that you could poke someone's eye out."
Of course we knew better. We were kids! We were invincible!
***"That'll happen when pigs fly."
Hey - look Mom!
***"Money doesn't grow on trees, you know."
Just where do they get paper from anyway?
***You knew you were in big trouble when you heard,
"Now you've jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire."
That one used to really cook my bacon!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Grandpappy
You are no longer "cool" when .....
1. You find yourself listening to talk radio.
2. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
3. The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
4. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
5. Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
6. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
7. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide- inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Pink Floyd and Black Sabbath.
8. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining in.
9. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
10. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
11. When jogging is something you do to your memory.
12. Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
13. Sex becomes: "All that foolishness."
14. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
15. All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
16. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
17. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
18. You actually ASK for your father's advice.
19. You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
20. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2005, 01:07 PM:
Rated G
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:
~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."
~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out- of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.
~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.
~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 06:12 AM:
Rated G Michele
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply store.
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time, we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to make our final decision.
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 06:19 AM:
Rated G
I was sitting near the balcony door when I heard a thump outside.
Looking out, I saw a child's rubber ball on my balcony, so I went and picked it up. When I glanced over the railing, I noticed a girl about five-years-old looking up at me.
"Is this yours?" I asked.
"No," she replied hesitantly, then added, "but it will be if you throw it back!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 06:26 AM:
Rated G Michele
Behind every great man is . . . his mother:
Mrs. Washington: "Oh George, you never did have a head for money."
Mrs. Morse: "Sam, stop tapping your fingers on the table, it's driving me crazy!"
Mrs. Lindbergh: "Charles, can't you do anything by yourself?"
Mrs. Armstrong: "Neil has no more business taking flying lessons than the man in the moon."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 11:05 AM:
Rated R Uncle Bubba
The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.
Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.
The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.
The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."
The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.
"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."
"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2005, 11:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
New Jewish Words:
1. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that ones favourite celebrity is Jewish.
2. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember ones lines when called to read from the Torah at ones Bar or Bat Mitzvah.
3. SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of the neighbours celebrate Christmas.
4. MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
5. BUBBEGUM n. Candy ones mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
6. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
7. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
8. DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
9. GOYFER n. A Gentile messenger.
10. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after ones Bar Mitzvah.
11. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking ones way out of a tight spot.
12. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
13. MEINSTEIN - slang. "My son, the genius."
14. MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on ones face and collar after kissing all ones aunts and cousins at a reception.
15. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbours live in the same condo building as you.
16. ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
17. YIDENTIFY v. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis or Taylor.
18. MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to complete a minyan.
19. FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
20. DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents and Uncle Sid. In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son David is majoring in biology is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
21. IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
22. KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
23. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out ones wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
24. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
25. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 11:45 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Having discovered my cache of Easter eggs, my six-year-old son sat me down for a serious confrontation.
"Okay, I know you're the Easter Bunny, and I'm pretty sure you're Santa Claus." He paused and searched my face. "Tell me the truth now! Are you God too?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 11:49 AM:
Rated G
20 Worst Things To Hear At A Nuclear Power Plant
Fission shmission, relax, I'll increase the water level after my coffee break.
Was that "Open valve A and close valve B" or was it the other way round?
This whole plant will be running under Windows tomorrow.
HEY! Is smoke coming out of the core normal?
Who forgot to pay the water bill?
We got 12 seconds to WHAT????
Meet your new plan superintendent: Bozo the clown.
A leak? Can't you fix it with duct tape or something?
Oh yeah! 50 bucks says I can make it blow.
It's Russian technology.
Move over Three Mile Island - here we come!!!
Sniff, sniff.... you smell that?
I used to work at Chernobyl.
All the way to the RIGHT, not LEFT you dummy!
It's your turn to wax the core.
How come all the big shots are leaving?
Is that a 60 minute film crew out there?
Is this part really necessary?
OF COURSE I went to high school. Didn't finish it, though.
Look at the good news: we are going to find out whether people actually glow in the dark.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 11:54 AM:
Rated G
We senior citizens often joke about our failing memories and were tickled when we overheard our neighbour's middle-aged son remark, "Gee, Dad, you'll soon be able to hide your own Easter eggs."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 11:59 AM:
Rated G
The Top Signs It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet
"For refill, ring KI3-3800
The leeches look like they might have turned.
Funny, you don't *remember* being prescribed mouse turds.
The dim glow from the bathroom is keeping you awake -- but you don't have a night-light.
A tiny cockroach rehab clinic has been set up between the aftershave and the aspirin.
Why keep that Preparation H? It was the worst-tasting toothpaste EVER.
The drill bit you use to let the "bad ayre" out of your skull can't be sharpened.
Your nosy neighbors leave the bathroom saying, "Don't touch me."
The Brylcream can go -- the last time you ran your fingers through your hair was when you cleaned out the drain.
There's a skeleton on the other side with a note saying, "Hi, Guy!"
and the Number 1 Sign It's Time to Clean Out Your Medicine Cabinet...
Was there ever really a "Preparation A?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 12:01 PM:
Rated G
My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.
Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.
Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception immediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn.
"Everyone is invited."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 04:02 PM:
Rated G
I decided to warm up before heading out cross-country skiing. I firmly planted my hands on the trunk of my car and stretched my legs behind.
A young girl and her father passed by and I heard the child ask, "Daddy, aren't you going to help her push?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 04:08 PM:
Rated G
'Bullfighting is the number-one sport in Latin America.'
'That's revolting!'
'No, that's the number-two sport.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 04:16 PM:
Rated G
25 Ways to Annoy a Northerner:
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2005, 04:18 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Kirstie Alley's new show "Fat Actress" starts next week. "Fat Actress", that's the name of the show. So if you haven't done it, now is the time to buy a widescreen TV."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2005, 06:45 AM:
Rated G
Easter Fun Facts...The National Confectioners Association offers the following bits of information about Easter traditions:
-The first chocolate eggs were made in Europe in the early 19th century and remain among the most popular treats associated with Easter.
-According to the Guinness World Records the largest Easter egg ever made was just over 25 feet high and made of chocolate and marshmallow. The egg weighed 8,968 pounds and was supported by an internal steel frame.
In the United States:
-Seventy-six percent of people eat the ears on chocolate bunnies first.
-Ninety million chocolate Easter bunnies are made for Easter each year.
-Sixteen billion jelly beans are made for Easter.
-Each day, five million marshmallow chicks and bunnies are produced in preparation for Easter.
-Easter is the second top-selling confectionery holiday, with Halloween in first place.
-Eighty-eight percent of adults carry on the Easter tradition of making Easter baskets for their kids.
-Red jelly beans are kids' favorite.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2005, 06:53 AM:
Rated G
"My car has this feature that I guess is standard, because it was on my last car, too. It has a rotating gas tank.
Whatever side of the pump I pull up to, it's on the other side."
--Rita Rudner
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2005, 01:09 PM:
Rated PG
DARWIN AWARD
The following mind-boggling attempt at a crime spree in Washington appeared to be the robber's first (and last), due to his lack of a previous record of violence, and his terminally stupid choices:
1. His target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop specializing in handguns.
2. The shop was full of customers - firearms customers.
3. To enter the shop, the robber had to step around a marked police car parked at the front door.
4. A uniformed officer was standing at the counter, having coffee before work.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a .38-caliber semiautomatic pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, the police officer with a 9mm semiautomatic pistol, the clerk with a 10mm semiautomatic pistol. Several customers also drew their guns.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Police Capt. Don Persson said, "The surprising thing is that the man had to walk right past a marked police car to get in the front door."
No one else was hurt in the exchange of fire. ![[Confused]](confused.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 12:51 PM:
Rated G Gerry
After speaking for more than two hours without pause,the eminent scholar finally looked up from the podium and apologized for going on so long.
"You see, I haven't got a watch with me," he tried to explain.
"Fine," shouted a heckler, "But there's a calendar on the wall."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:04 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Since we say a herd of cattle, a pack of wolves, and a pride of lions, maybe it should be:
* a piddle of puppies
* a wince of dentists
* a lurch of buses
* a wrangle of philosophers
* a shrivel of critics
* a descent of relatives.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:07 PM:
Rated G
WORD for the WEEK: I love doing crossword puzzles. I think it keeps the neurons in the ol' brainpan firing which is, I hear, one of the keys to warding off Alzheimer's Disease. Plus they teach you to think in different ways, you learn new words, there's a sense of accomplishment when you can finish one and hey, they're just fun.
This week's word is one which you are likely to see only in crossword puzzles or old poems; "snickersnee."
The word means a large knife or sword, but it can also mean a fight with knives. It started out as the phrase "steake or snye" (a variation on a Dutch phrase meaning to thrust or cut) and was used mostly by pirates in the 15 and 1600s.
Eventually the phrase was modified to "stick or snee" and then by the early 1700s had been combined into the one word we have today, though it's rarely heard.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
Newfangled Analogies... some attention-grabbing analogies found in high school papers...
"She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again."
"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."
"McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup."
"From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30."
"Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake."
"He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree."
"The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease."
"Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph."
"The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can."
"The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:14 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
Two very old, very retired friends went fishing together. They sat in their boat for four hours, neither of them moving a muscle.
An hour later, one friend said to the other, "Damn it, that's the second time you've shifted your feet in the last forty minutes. Did you come out here to fish or to dance?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:27 PM:
Rated G
BUMPER Stickers:
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Keeps The Kids In Touch.
I still Miss My Ex... But My aim Is Getting Better.
Beautify Texas. Put A Yankee on a Bus.
Wisconsin: Smell Our Dairy Air!
It's crazy when you figure boxers get all that money for fighting, and hockey players do it every night for free. (When they play!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:33 PM:
Rated G
Jack hadn't been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown."
"Well," the woman snapped back, "you don't look so great in blue either!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:36 PM:
Rated G
Waitress: Hawaii, Mister? You must be Hungary.
Gent: Yes, Siam. And I can't Rumania long, either. Venice lunch ready?
Waitress: I'll Russia table. What are you Ghana Havre? Aix?
Gent: You want Tibet? I prefer Turkey. Can Jamaica cook step on the Gaza bit?
Waitress: Odessa laugh! Alaska, but listen for her Wales.
Gent: I'm not Balkan. Just put a Cuba sugar in my Java.
Waitress: Don't you be Sicily, big boy. Sweden it yourself. I'm only here to Serbia.
Gent: Denmark my check and call the Bosphorus, Egypt me. There's an Eire. I hope he'll Kenya. I don't Bolivia know who I am!
Waitress: Canada noise! I don't Caribbean. You sure Ararat!
Gent: Samoa your wisecracks? What's got India? D'you think this arguing Alps business? Why be so Chile? Be Nice!
Waitress: Don't Kiev me that Boulogne! Alemain do! Spain in the neck. Pay your Czech and don't Kuwait. Ayssinia!
Gent (to himself): I'll come back with my France and Taiwan on Zanzibar is open.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2005, 01:45 PM:
Rated G
Proverbs... Platitudes... "The Moral of the Story"...
All designed to teach us a lesson, but did you ever notice that they're sometimes quite conflicting? Things like. . . . .
Actions speak louder than words. But... The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap. But... He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work. But... Too many cooks spoil the broth.
A silent man is a wise one. But... A man without words is a man without thoughts.
Clothes make the man. But... Don't judge a book by its cover.
It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease. But... The nail that sticks out gets hammered.
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. But... Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But... Better safe than sorry.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. But... Out of sight, out of mind.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks. But... It's never to late to learn.
Two wrongs don't make a right. But... Turnabout is fair play.
He who hesitates is lost. But... Haste makes waste. OR Look before you leap.
You can't judge a book by its cover. But... What you see is what you get.
Birds of a feather flock together. But... Opposites attract.
Ask no questions and hear no lies. But... Ask and you shall receive.
Variety is the spice of life. But... Don't change horses in midstream.
The pen is mightier than the sword. But... Actions speak louder than words.
Don't cross the bridge until you come to it. But... Forewarned is forearmed.
Silence is golden. But... The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Clothes make the man. But... You can't judge a book by its cover.
The best things come in small packages. But... The bigger the better.
A miss is as good as a mile. But... Half a loaf is better than none.
An old fox is not easily snared. But... There's no fool like an old fool.
Practice makes perfect. But... All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll get up with fleas. But... If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But... A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
There's safety in numbers. But... Better to be alone than in bad company.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. But... Don't beat a dead horse.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. But... Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 09:39 AM:
Rated G
April Fools' Day
Origin is not certain.
The timing of this day of pranks seems to be related to the arrival of spring, when nature "fools" mankind with fickle weather, according to the Encyclopedia of Religion and the Encyclopedia Britannica.
The Country Diary of Garden Lore, which chronicles the goings-on in an English garden, says that April Fools' Day "is thought to commemorate the fruitless mission of the rook (the European crow), who was sent out in search of land from Noah's flood-encircled ark."
In medieval times the kings and queens had jesters to make them in a good mood. On April 1st the jesters had a day off and the noblemen had to take the jesters place.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 09:44 AM:
Rated G
Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, "Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy."
Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, "I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 09:50 AM:
Rated G B.B.
If we ever get the warning that nuclear bombs are headed our way, or a nuke plant has a radiation leak, I'm going to coat myself with Shake & Bake mix. That way, when everyone else is burned to a crisp, I'll be tender, plump and juicy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 10:01 AM:
Rated G
Gas Problem Solved
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....
Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 10:05 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Email Abbreviations Defined
Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben? Previously long phrase: "Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?"
Abbreviation #2: utypliksht Previously long phrase: "Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?"
Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass? Previously long phrase: "Are you sure about that?"
Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail? Previously long phrase: "So, what have you been up to lately?"
Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem Previously long phrase: "Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 01:59 PM:
Rated G
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:08 PM:
Rated R
A local lady, one of our group members, was having breakfast at the fancy Ritz-Carlton restaurant down in Naples, She was making a bit of a fuss, "Now, young man," she demanded of the waiter, "Make sure my toast is crisp, my egg is soft but not runny, and I will not abide sausage with the mixed grill. One sight of sausage makes the short curly hairs on the back of my head stand on end."
"What a coincidence," commented the waiter. "Usually just tne sight of short curly hairs makes my sausage stand on end."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:12 PM:
Rated G
THEY LIVED TOO SOON....Published: Chicago Record (1896)
George Washington was President and honored in his day, He was the father of the land and all things came his way; He had a basketful of fun, a wagon load of fame— But he never was a rooter at a base- ball game.
Napoleon conquered half the world and had a crown of gold, And in his time his cup was just as full as it could hold. It looks from here as though he should have had his share of fun- But he never strained his vocals when the home team won.
And also Julius Cesar, who had his share of sport, He won his share of battles, and always held the fort. He killed lots of people, regard- less of the cost— But he never booed the umpire when the home team lost.
And also Alexander, he turned most every trick, And then shed tears because there were no more worlds to lick, He climbed 'way up the ladder, as high as people get— But he never pawned his scepter to pay a baseball bet.
(Anonymous)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:16 PM:
Rated G Michele
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"
The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"
"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."
"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.
"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:24 PM:
Rated G Michele
Antiques have become very popular.
Right now, there are 15 million Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work and are only kept for sentimental purposes.
Some of these are called antiques - and the rest are called husbands.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2005, 02:28 PM:
Rated PG
Our fire department is often called when people get stuck in elevators. Due to design changes, however, our methods sometimes don't work on newer elevators. That was the case once when we responded to a call, and after we tried all our tricks, we had to tell the trapped occupant: "Sorry. There's nothing we can do. You'll have to wait for the elevator repairman to arrive."
"Great! Just great!" came the complaint from inside the elevator.
"Elevator service was called quite a while ago," we reassured the fellow. "They've already sent a man. He should be here any minute to let you out."
The man sighed deeply. "I don't think so. I am the elevator serviceman!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man phones to complain about his listing in the telephone book. "My last name is Sweady but you listed it as Cyirwu!".
"Okay, I'll change it and when our new book comes out, it'll be corrected."
So tell me how to spell it again said the telephone book manager.
"Like I told you before, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in double-u, and Y as in you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
Tidbits of Wit
My friend admitted she was forty but she didn't say when.
Our marriage was a love match pure and simple; she was pure and I was simple.
Love is the feeling that you feel when you feel a feeling that you never felt before.
Life can be marvelous. Try not to miss it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-02-2005, 09:50 AM:
Rated G
"According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a women are their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 01:14 PM:
Rated G
Dear Friends:
In view of recent happenings I need all of you to be aware of the living will which I have just written in order to protect myself. So, should I be with any of you when the moment happens, you know what the heck to do, alright already????
So keep this in your hip pocket at all times pleeeeeeze....
Living Will
I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it and who flunked ethics in Junior College.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery for their own self-serving purposes. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency in 2008 or whatever their dubious motives are, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else's life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too. Ditto for the hundreds of media hacks who yap 24 hours a day on "talk radio." I hereby consign them to the fire-plagued furnaces of Hell.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living Hell.
Your old pal, me
_______________________________________
Signature
_______________________________________
Witness
Feel Free to Copy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 01:27 PM:
Rated G
Posted in Misc. as it covers a few areas
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS
EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU
PALM SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO. MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US." THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO GRANDMA AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 01:58 PM:
Rated G Gerry
"It's a rare executive who is so tired that he can hardly lift his feet to the top of the desk."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 02:01 PM:
Rated G
The Importance of Proof Reading . . .
* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.
* There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.
* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
* The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2005, 02:11 PM:
Rated G B.B.
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive....... So I took her to a gas station!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2005, 12:24 PM:
Rated G
We were given a secondhand clothes dryer with the information that all it needed was a new filament.
My uncle had volunteered to install it for us. After he had been at it for two hours, I went downstairs to see if there was a problem.
He was frustrated because he had checked all the connections but the dryer wouldn't start.
Casually I leaned over and pushed the start button. And it did.
My uncle, startled, asked what I had done, then sheepishly admitted that hadn't occurred to him.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2005, 01:41 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Adam: Do you really love me?
Eve: There's no one but you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2005, 01:43 PM:
Rated G Gerry
DONALD: Marry me, darling. I know I haven't got buckets of money like my friend Dan, or a hot film career like Dan, or Dan's good looks, youth, terrific sense of humor, or muscles, but I'm loyal and true and I love you.
DAISY: I love you too, honey.... but first, tell me more about Dan!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:05 PM:
Rated G
"Did you hear this? Martha Stewart lost 20 pounds in prison.
She's become a lean, mean, sewing machine.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:07 PM:
Rated G Scott
"I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:08 PM:
Rated G
Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:11 PM:
Rated G
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO THE WRONG TAX SERVICE
10. You notice that in their appointment book your name is spelled "Boat Payment."
9. IRS auditors have their own parking spot.
8. You overhear the preparer muttering, "What would Kenneth Lay do?"
7. Their corporate motto? "Never Convicted!"
6. Your preparer is calculating your return by counting on his fingers and stamping his foot.
5. A federal agent approaches you in the parking lot and asks if you wouldn't mind wearing a wire.
4. You notice your preparer's laptop computer is an Etch-A-Sketch®.
3. There's an autographed portrait of Morley Safer in the lobby.
2. The candy dish on the desk is stocked with sedatives.
1. They can change your muffler at the same time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:34 PM:
Rated G
A Fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax in a fine for doing well.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
It's terrible how close some motorists will drive ahead of you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2005, 02:46 PM:
Rated G Wild Child
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense.
Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, and that life isn't always fair.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).
His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six- year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live, as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
Two stepbrothers, My Rights and Ima Whiner survive him.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 04:49 PM:
Rated G
How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2005, 05:40 PM:
Rated G
"The Marlboro Man has determined that the Surgeon General is a pussy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 03:57 PM:
Rated G
Two skeletons used by the professor of anatomy found themselves stowed away in a closet, and after several weeks of boredom, one asked the other, "What are we doing shut up in here anyway?"
"Got me" admitted his companion, "But if we had any guts we'd get out of here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2005, 04:04 PM:
Rated R B.B.
Warning...
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is when you stop for a red light a young, pretty nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.
While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.
They are very good at this!
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday.
I wasn't able to find them on Sunday...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-18-2005, 02:16 PM:
Rated PG Uncle Bubba
A friend of mine told me the other day that he reads all his newspapers on-line, and thought it convenient
Well I decided I'd try that, I mean why pay for delivery, have to look for it in the driveway every morning, especially when it's raining, when you can get it in the comfort of your own home.
But after a week I had to scrap the experiment. You see I'm sort of multi-functional, and it was too hard to hold and balance the heavy and cumbersome computer while I was sitting on the pot!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 10:10 AM:
Rated G
Ben Stein's Last Column...
For many years Ben Stein has written a biweekly column for the online website called "Monday Night at Morton's." (Morton's is a famous chain of Steakhouses known to be frequented by movie stars and famous people from around the globe.) Now, Ben is terminating the column to move on to other things in his life. Reading his final column (read it all, or you've missed the best) is worth a few minutes of your time.
How Can Someone Who Lives in Insane Luxury Be a Star in Today's World?
As I begin to write this, I "slug" it, as we writers say, which means I put a heading on top of the document to identify it. This heading is "eonlineFINAL," and it gives me a shiver to write it. I have been doing this column for so long that I cannot even recall when I started. I loved writing this column so much for so long I came to believe it would never end.
It worked well for a long time, but gradually, my changing as a person and the world's change have overtaken it. On a small scale, Morton's, while better than ever, no longer attracts as many stars as it used to. It still brings in the rich people in droves and definitely some stars. I saw Samuel L. Jackson there a few days ago, and we had a nice visit, and right before that, I saw and had a splendid talk with Warren Beatty in an elevator, in which we agreed that Splendor in the Grass was a super movie. But Morton's is not the star galaxy it once was, though it probably will be again.
Beyond that, a bigger change has happened. I no longer think Hollywood stars are terribly important. They are uniformly pleasant, friendly people, and they treat me better than I deserve to be treated. But a man or woman who makes a huge wage for memorizing lines and reciting them in front of a camera is no longer my idea of a shining star we should all look up to.
How can a man or woman who makes an eight-figure wage and lives in insane luxury really be a star in today's world, if by a "star" we mean someone bright and powerful and attractive as a role model? Real stars are not riding around in the backs of limousines or in Porsches or getting trained in yoga or Pilates and eating only raw fruit while they have Vietnamese girls do their nails.
They can be interesting, nice people, but they are not heroes to me any longer. A real star is the soldier of the 4th Infantry Division who poked his head into a hole on a farm near Tikrit, Iraq. He could have been met by a bomb or a hail of AK-47 bullets. Instead, he faced an abject Saddam Hussein and the gratitude of all of the decent people of the world.
A real star is the U.S. soldier who was sent to disarm a bomb next to a road north of Baghdad. He approached it, and the bomb went off and killed him.
A real star, the kind who haunts my memory night and day, is the U.S. soldier in Baghdad who saw a little girl playing with a piece of unexploded ordnance on a street near where he was guarding a station. He pushed her aside and threw himself on it just as it exploded. He left a family desolate in California and a little girl alive in Baghdad.
The stars who deserve media attention are not the ones who have lavish weddings on TV but the ones who patrol the streets of Mosul even after two of their buddies were murdered and their bodies battered and stripped for the sin of trying to protect Iraqis from terrorists.
We put couples with incomes of $100 million a year on the covers of our magazines. The noncoms and officers who barely scrape by on military pay but stand on guard in Afghanistan and Iraq and on ships and in submarines and near the Arctic Circle are anonymous as they live and die.
I am no longer comfortable being a part of the system that has such poor values, and I do not want to perpetuate those values by pretending that who is eating at Morton's is a big subject.
There are plenty of other stars in the American firmament...the policemen and women who go off on patrol in South Central and have no idea if they will return alive; the orderlies and paramedics who bring in people who have been in terrible accidents and prepare them for surgery; the teachers and nurses who throw their whole spirits into caring for autistic children; the kind men and women who work in hospices and in cancer wards.
Think of each and every fireman who was running up the stairs at the World Trade Center as the towers began to collapse. Now you have my idea of a real hero.
We are not responsible for the operation of the universe, and what happens to us is not terribly important. God is real, not a fiction; and when we turn over our lives to Him, He takes far better care of us than we could ever do for ourselves. In a word, we make ourselves sane when we fire ourselves as the directors of the movie of our lives and turn the power over to Him.
I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters. This is my highest and best use as a human. I can put it another way. Years ago, I realized I could never be as great an actor as Olivier or as good a comic as Steve Martin...or Martin Mull or Fred Willard--or as good an economist as Samuelson or Friedman or as good a writer as Fitzgerald. Or even remotely close to any of them.
But I could be a devoted father to my son, husband to my wife and, above all, a good son to the parents who had done so much for me. This came to be my main task in life. I did it moderately well with my son, pretty well with my wife and well indeed with my parents (with my sister's help). I cared for and paid attention to them in their declining years. I stayed with my father as he got sick, went into extremis and then into a coma and then entered immortality with my sister and me reading him the Psalms.
This was the only point at which my life touched the lives of the soldiers in Iraq or the firefighters in New York. I came to realize that life lived to help others is the only one that matters and that it is my duty, in return for the lavish life God has devolved upon me, to help others He has placed in my path. This is my highest and best use as a human.
Faith is not believing that God can. It is knowing that God will.
--Ben Stein
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 02:52 PM:
Rated G
Fran: My sister is black and blue, because she puts on cold cream, face cream, wrinkle cream, vanishing cream, hair cream, and skin cream every night.
Rhoda: But why does that make her black and blue?
Fran: She keeps slipping out of bed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:05 PM:
Rated G
Bill: I didn't sleep very well last night.
Joe: Why was that?
Bill: I plugged the electric blanket into the toaster by mistake and kept popping out of bed all night.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:10 PM:
Rated G
Worry
You have only 2 things to worry about...
You're either rich or poor.
If you're rich, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're poor, you have 2 things to worry about...
whether you're in good health or bad.
If you're in good health, you have nothing to worry about.
If you're in bad health you may die.
If you die you have nothing to worry about.
You're either going to Heaven, or the other place.
If you go to Heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to the other place, you'll be busy greeting old friends and you won't have time to worry.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:27 PM:
Rated G
An actor performing in a production of "Julius Caesar" noticed after the show that he had forgotten to take off his wristwatch.
He was horrified at first, but his look soon changed to one of relief.
"It's okay," he said to another actor. "The watch has Roman numerals."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2005, 03:52 PM:
Rated G
Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate
~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
~ There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
~ You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.
~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
~ Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
~ Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"
~ Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Sully in CT
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips
in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was
a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the
car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a
bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw,studying every little detail, until
she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a
bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,
" Good trade."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 11:11 AM:
Rated G
"You know what I watched last night? "Mad Max,the Road Warrior," the Mel Gibson movie ... what was that,about 1980?It takes place when gas is so precious,people are killing each other for a couple of gallons.And it was set some time in the future – I think it was summer 2005."
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
After my husband arrived at Philadelphia International Airport to attend a conference, he took the shuttle bus downtown. When he spotted his hotel a few blocks away, he decided to stretch his legs and walk the rest of the way.
He got off the bus, but after a few steps, he realized that not only was the sidewalk extremely icy but he had to get down a slippery hill with nothing to hang on to. After a few seconds of deliberation, he lay his suitcase down, sat on it and glided safely down the hill.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 11:24 AM:
Rated G
Outta the mouths of babes...
On the way to the bakery I saw some kids playing "Wedding". The bride's gown was a yellow shower curtain, gathered at the waist with a piece of red garden hose, and the curtain trailing way behind her. Her veil was mosquito netting, topped by a blue cop car bubble as a tiara.
The groom was attired in a grey lab coat with a charcoal black piece of truck tire inner-tube as a wide cummerbund belt. His coat trailed a bit too, but did not quite hide the fact that instead of to a traditional ball and chain, his leg was chained to a tricycle.
The mother-in-law carried the traditional rolling pin but the father-in-law had a plastic space ray look water gun instead of the traditional shotgun.
The preacher was wearing a white bath robe backwards and a trucker style cap, also backwards.
Just as I was walking past them, I heard the preacher sing out: "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you, forever and ever. If you want to kiss the bride, you better have an attorney present."
[ 04-28-2005, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2005, 01:31 PM:
Rated G
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
~~Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:26 AM:
Rated G
The Top 5 Things Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding
5. "If that creepy yellow smiley face comes by one more time, I swear I'm going over to sporting goods to buy some ammo."
4. "I'm sorry, miss, but shoplifting an iPod does not qualify as your 'something borrowed.'"
3. "Great -- we finally get the entire wedding party crammed into the photo machine, and Bubba runs out of quarters!"
2. "Pre-nup in aisle seven!"
and Number 1 Thing Overheard at a Wal-Mart Wedding...
1. "Jewish tradition or not, buddy, you broke that glass and you're gonna pay for it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:27 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled: I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:28 AM:
Rated G
A Chinese scholar was lecturing when all the lights in the auditorium went out.
He asked members of the audience to raise their hands and wave.
As soon as they had all complied, the lights went on again. He then said, "Prove wisdom of Old Chinese saying: 'Many hands make light work."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G
Just Think About This!
Money doesn't go as far as it used to, but it does go faster.
Frogs have it easy; they can eat what bugs them.
Life is a mystery to be Lived, Not a Problem to be Solved.
A dry cleaner was indicted for money laundering. A deal is being ironed out.
They told the sexton and the sexton tolled the bell.
Earning money would be fun if it wasn't so taxing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:38 AM:
Rated G
I Wonder???
Ever wonder why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Does a kindergarten teacher have to know how to make the little things count.
Do the eggs in monasteries go out of the frying pan and into the friar?
If you crossed a pig with a karate expert would you get a pork chop?
If you had a talent for fibbing, would you have liability?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:45 AM:
Rated G
After getting his car repaired for the third time that month, my friend lamented to the repairman, "What I need is a money machine."
"I'd like one too," he said.
"You already have one," my friend observed. You've got my car."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:49 AM:
Rated G
Real Questions Asked of Librarians
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids'." (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend")
"Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
"Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]"
"I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."
"I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."
"Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-28-2005, 10:54 AM:
Rated G
Best sellers
"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe
"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia
"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss
"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum
"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover
"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner
"I Got Away With Murder"....by Scott Free
"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts
"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech
"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2005, 01:33 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
The positive side about having a beer belly.
- You're less likely to be pestered by annoying sorority girls.
- It doubles as a convenient TV tray for nachos and beer.
- It's a great way to meet cute female cardiologists.
- Extra gravity makes it that much less likely you'll ever be thrown free of the earth into deep space.
- Your bellybutton can store up to eight quarters for the parking meter.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2005, 01:34 PM:
Rated G Mochele
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-29-2005, 01:36 PM:
Rated G Michele
BONEHEAD AWARD, goes to police officer Craig Clancy in San Antonio, Texas.
Cop accidentally shoots man while on toilet
An off-duty policeman's gun went off twice as he pulled down his pants to use the toilet, injuring a man.
Officer Craig Clancy was attending a car auction in San Antonio when nature called. As he undid his trousers, the gun fell from its holster.
Officer Clancy tried to catch it, but accidentally fired two bullets when his finger grabbed the trigger by mistake. Police spokesman Gabe Trevino told KSAT news:
"As Clancy tried to stop the gun from hitting the ground, his finger entered the trigger guard, which cause the weapon to go off twice.
"The first bullet went through the wall of the cubicle and through the pants of a man, grazing his leg."
The injured man, who was washing his hands at the time, was taken to hospital.
The Texan police department for internal affairs is investigating the incident.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2005, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. Ca
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Crack Found on
Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?
We all need a good laugh, keep on smiling
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2005, 11:58 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official,"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress,and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued,"Considering all these events,in your
opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it;
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,All night having sex."
Then the chief leaned back and smiled ....."Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2005, 09:59 AM:
Rated G
Philoshphy Questions & Dumb Answers
10. How do I know anything really exists?
- Kick it *really* hard.
9. What is the essence of being human?
- Not understanding the opposite sex.
8. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
- How would I know?... Ask "no one."
7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life?
- Look in the mirror. If you see a grey, spongy thing in a glass container, you are.
6. Can our minds exist separately from our bodies?
- If they could, we'd just send our minds to work and sleep in every morning.
5. Is there a God?
- A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
- I'm still trying to figure out the nature of high school.
3. What is the meaning of life?
- All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
- It's more respectable than a theatre degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso.
1. So, we won the war in Iraq, or what?
- We lost...so we pay...so Iraq won!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2005, 10:01 AM:
Rated G
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin. assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2005, 08:36 PM:
Rated G Quirk
For Those who Reed and Right
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2005, 08:45 PM:
Rated G
Conversions
For those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system, here are some other useful conversions:
* Ratio of an igloo's circumference to it's diameter: Eskimo Pi
* 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
* 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
* Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
* Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
* Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
* 65.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
* 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
* Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
* 1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
* Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
* Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
* 454 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
* 1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
* 10 cards: 1 decacards
* 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
* 1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
* 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
* 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
* 10 rations: 1 decoration
* 100 rations: 1 C-ration
* 2 monograms: 1 diagram
* 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
* 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Barbara
"Young at heart - slightly older in other places."
"Remember, you may be OLDER today than you have ever been before, but you are YOUNGER than you will ever be again!" -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2005, 10:44 AM:
Rated PG
Q: What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing?
A: "Something smells fishy around here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Think About It!
* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
* Money isn't everything....there's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2005, 11:06 AM:
Rated G
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the old folk. This is good news, for those feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes:
Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"
The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"
Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"
Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"
Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
ABBA - "Denture Queen"
Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever Forgot Your Face"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"
Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-11-2005, 01:32 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone, "to relax," I told myself, but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
I began to think on the job.I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka.I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either.One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.One day my former boss called me in.He said, "Hank,I like you, and it hurts me to say this,but your thinking has become a real problem.If you don't stop thinking on the job,you'll have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed "I've been thinking.."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.I headed for the library,in the mood for some Nietzsche,with NPR on the radio.
I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open.
The library was closed.
To this day,I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.As I sank to the ground,clawing at the unfeeling glass,whimpering for Zarathustra,a poster caught my eye.
"Friend,is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.You probably recognize that line! It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting.At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was Porky's.
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-15-2005, 11:53 AM:
[b]Rated PG Michele:eek:
I remember watching "You Bet Your Life". The female guest was from Buffalo. She was asked about her family. She said she had 14 (it might have been 17) children. He asked her what her husband did for a living. She said he operated an automated screwing machine.
Groucho just turned and looked at the camera, remaining silent. She had said enough.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2005, 12:58 PM:
Rated G
A Rare Clean Joke.
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one: ![[thumbsup]](graemlins/thumbsup.gif)
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree .
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-16-2005, 01:01 PM:
Rated G
Profundities of zen philosophy
1. SAVE THE WHALES. COLLECT THE WHOLE SET.
2. A DAY WITHOUT SUNSHINE IS LIKE, NIGHT.
3. ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU HAVE DIFFERENT FINGERS.
4. I JUST GOT LOST IN THOUGHT...... IT WASN'T FAMILIAR TERRITORY.
5. 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
6. 99 PERCENT OF LAWYERS GIVE THE REST A BAD NAME.
7. I FEEL LIKE I'M DIAGONALLY PARKED IN A PARALLEL UNIVERSE.
8. HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
9. REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
10. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST.
11. DEPRESSION IS MERELY ANGER WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM.
12. THE EARLY BIRD MAY GET THE WORM, BUT THE SECOND MOUSE GETS THE CHEESE.
13. I DRIVE WAY TOO FAST TO WORRY ABOUT CHOLESTEROL.
14. SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
15. MONDAY IS AN AWFUL WAY TO SPEND 1/7 OF YOUR WEEK.
16. A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY.
17. CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
18. GET A NEW CAR FOR YOUR SPOUSE. IT'LL BE A GREAT TRADE!
19. PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
20. ALWAYS TRY TO BE MODEST, AND BE PROUD OF IT!
21. IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
22. HOW MANY OF YOU BELIEVE IN PSYCHO-KINESIS? RAISE MY HAND.
23 . OK, SO WHAT'S THE SPEED OF DARK?
24. HOW DO YOU TELL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF INVISIBLE INK?
25. IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
26. WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
27. HARD WORK PAYS OFF IN THE FUTURE. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW.
28. EVERYONE HAS A PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY. SOME JUST DO NOT HAVE FILM.
29. IF BARBIE IS SO POPULAR, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BUY HER FRIENDS?
30. HOW MUCH DEEPER WOULD THE OCEAN BE WITHOUT SPONGES?
31. EAGLES MAY SOAR, BUT WEASELS DO NOT GET SUCKED INTO JET ENGINES.
32. WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU GET SCARED HALF TO DEATH TWICE?
33. I USED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND BUT MY BRAINS KEPT FALLING OUT.
34. I COULDN'T REPAIR YOUR BRAKES, SO I MADE YOUR HORN LOUDER.
35. WHY DO PSYCHICS HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR YOUR NAME?
36. INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED?
37. JUST REMEMBER ....... IF THE WORLD DID NOT SUCK, WE WOULD ALL FALL OFF.
38. LIGHT TRAVELS FASTER THAN SOUND, WHICH IS WHY SOME PEOPLE APPEAR BRIGHT ......... UNTIL YOU HEAR THEM SPEAK.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-16-2005, 04:37 PM:
Rated PG...
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: She is the same woman you are having an affair with.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: He's in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter took them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you do.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-18-2005, 10:14 AM:
Rated G
Kirk was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Kirk took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" Kirk asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" Kirk asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said Kirk, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife Kim."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
Kirk replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-19-2005, 02:15 PM:
Rated G
Mental health quiz
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time.
This little test should get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director which is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
we offer a teaspoon,a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub."
Okay, here's your test:
(Those with an abnormal tendency will scroll to the bottom to get the answer before taking the test.)
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor.
"A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
"No,"answered the Director."A normal person would pull the plug."
So how did *you* do?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:45 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Don't get annoyed if your neighbor blasts his stereo at two o'clock in the morning.
Just call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 10:54 AM:
Rated G Michele
M&M's: The Theory of Evolution
Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.
To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 11:00 AM:
Rated PG
The Top 5 Paris Hilton Pet Peeves (Part I)
5. Andy Warhol's ghost constantly showing up with a stop watch.
4. "Since that pudge skank Nicole lost all that weight, now I look like a *fat* size 4."
3. When you go to buy a new Bentley and they don't have one with an interior that complements your dog's Prada rain slicker?
2. Caterpillars that crawl in one ear and take, like, an hour before crawling out the other side.
and the Number 1 Paris Hilton Pet Peeve...
1. No Nobel prize for skankery.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 11:01 AM:
Rated PG
The Top 5 Worst Cable Network Reality TV Series
5> Animal Planet -- "Who Wants to Be My Dad's Bitch?"
4> Hip-Hop Network -- "Ride My Pimp"
3> Lifetime -- "Celebrity Porker"
2> Bravo -- "Inside the Actors-Still-Working-as-Waiters Studio"
and the Number 1 Worst Cable Network Reality TV Series...
1> Food Network -- "Where in the World Is Food-Service Worker Carmen Sandiego's Finger?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
Awareness Test
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.
"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-20-2005, 11:04 AM:
Rated G
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives, the man says, "I'll have your biggest, thickest porterhouse steak."
The waiter replies, "Monsieur, what about ze mad cow?"
The man replies, "Oh, she'll have a salad."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2005, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora,Ont. Ca
Some Good Ones
1. Jesse Jackson,Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an
impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss....the Pope only
expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning.One brilliant flash and it's gone.
5. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,well, it really chilled the mood.
6. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.Now,of course,there's shipping and handling too.
7. A husband is someone who,after taking the trash out,gives the
impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
8. My next house will have no kitchen...just vending machines and a large trash can.
9. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off.I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
10. I'm so depressed.My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog.I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper.I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will.He said,"Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite!"
12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
13. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-21-2005, 07:05 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-22-2005, 03:33 PM:
Rated G
Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop chatting over a pint of
goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
when he was born".
"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly. "Oh gracious me ...." says the
other.
And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she
whispers.
"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
started school".
"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says...
"They blow up so fast, don't they?".................
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated G Michele
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed at random...
"Salvation Army," came the answer.
"Eh, what do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-23-2005, 10:57 AM:
Rated G
Famed cellist Yo Yo Ma fathered a baby boy with a girl from the 'Hood.
They named the baby Yo Ma Ma.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-23-2005, 06:37 PM:
Rated G
At her father's wake, a woman told her pastor that ever since she was a child she and her father had discussed life after death. They had agreed that whom ever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and a few days after his death the smoke alarm in her garage went off. She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone off before.
She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again...and the reason finally dawned on her.
She said aloud, "Ok dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get it now! Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side. Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it went off.
She immediately called her pastor to tell him the good news. His response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-25-2005, 03:03 PM:
Rated G
The Top 16 Small Ways to Get Even
16> Show up for work an hour late all spring and summer, claiming you live on "Good ol' Standard God Bless America Freedom Time."
15> Refuse to sign the release every time you're arrested on "COPS."
14> When a commercial annoyingly uses a louder volume than the program, take revenge by lowering the volume to *slightly less* than that of the program.
13> Lather? Sure. Rinse? Of course. Repeat? NEVER!
12> Answer all "knock-knock" jokes with a polite request that they come back after you've put some clothes on.
11> Don't pee on the urinal cake -- make it evaporate on its own.
10> When telemarketers ask if you'd like to switch to MCI, ask if *they'd* like to switch to MCI. Repeat as necessary.
9> Peel your bananas and oranges before buying them, claiming you have no need for "fruit wrappers."
8> Those popular high school kids who laughed at you? Kill them, one by one.
7> Walk into the boss' office, shove a shotgun up his ass and let fly with both barrels. Or if he's not in, sharpen your pencil and don't empty the shavings.
6> Give the spoon a nice healthy lick before plunging it back into the coleslaw at the Ponderosa.
5> Use the Lexus "free test drive" offer to take the dogs for their wash.
4> When a woman gives you a fake phone number at a bar, fantasize about someone *other* than her the next time you masturbate.
3> Tell the other cardinals you heard Cardinal Rivani say he wants to be first gay Pope.
2> When asked if you'd prefer paper or plastic, ask if they have fur.
... and the Number 1 Small Way to Get Even ...
1> Take a penny, leave a tooth!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-25-2005, 03:08 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
Question: Why doesn't Hannibal Lector eat people that work at Texaco?
Answer: They give him gas.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-30-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated PG...
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students,
one by one:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" she asked.
"Just a minute, I have to go take a leak."
The teacher replied "That would be rude and impolite!"
"What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right
back."
The teacher responded, "That's better, but it's still not very nice to
say the word bathroom at the table."
"And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show
us your good manners?"
"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'"
The teacher fainted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2005, 02:07 PM:
Rated G
For the first time,my wife was playing charades.She indicated she was going to act out one word,held up her hand and fluttered her fingers while moving her arm down.
"Rain!" I called out. She shook her head no and went on to other pantomimes of her word.
I gave up and took the word card from her hand.
There,written in large letters,was the word reign.
Puzzled, I said, "But Dolores, why did you say I was wrong?"
"It wasn't spelled right," she explained.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-01-2005, 02:09 PM:
Rated G
On her way to work, a colleague of mine had fallen and grazed her knee.
At the office I told her where the first-aid metal box was kept, and she left to get a bandage.
When I saw her later that morning, I noticed that she had a large bulky dressing on her finger. "I thought it was your knee you injured when you fell. What happened to your finger?"
I asked. She replied, "I sliced it on the first-aid box and had to go to the doctor to get it stitched!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2005, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
A fellow told me he was going to hang-gliding school. He said, "I've been going for three months."
I asked, "How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?"
He said, "All of them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-03-2005, 01:21 PM:
Rated G Gerry
I drive a junky car. I never take care of it, or change the oil. The other day a dashboard light came on that said, "We need to talk."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-04-2005, 05:27 PM:
Rated G
Did you hear that the US Postal Service is issueing a new stamp based on the theme of the oldest profession in the world?
It's a 37 cent stamp, but its 40 cents if you want to lick it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:40 PM:
Rated G B.B.
THE TYPES OF CARS DIFFERENT OCCUPATIONS/CELEBRITIES WOULD DRIVE:
-A Bostonian auto dealer would drive a Celica (Sell-a cah)
-A camel driver might drive a Caravan.
-A cop would drive a Citation.
-A film star might drive a Celebrity.
-A furrier drives a Sable.
-A harness driver drives a Pacer.
-A member of the National Park Service might drive a Ranger.
-A Meteorologist might drive a Tempest or a Storm.
-A Native American might drive a Cherokee.
-A person deeply in debt might drive a Charger.
-A rodeo star might drive a Bronco.
-A runner drives a Sprint.
-A signmaker will drive a Neon.
-A symphony conductor might drive a Tempo.
-All true cowboys ride Broncos, Colts, Mustangs, or Pintos.
~ Stan Kegel
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:42 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Shotgun
If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by automobile, one must call out "shotgun" in order to secure for him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously the most desirable. It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal
Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins, another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.
The Rules
1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken leg, if she does not call "shotgun" first, her butt is going into the back seat.
2. If two people call "shotgun" at the same time, a fist fight will determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls. In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch them fight. A "pout-off" can be held instead.
3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty stops, etc.), the "shotgun" passenger loses all of his/her rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.
4. A "shotgun" winner must expect and be willing to put up with a large portion of physical harassment from the back seat "shotgun" loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation are all fully legal and come with the territory.
5. Pre-"shotgun" calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.
6. A "shotgun" call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically cancels out a "shotgun" call from anybody else.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:44 PM:
Rated PG B.B.
Benefits of Growing Older ( and you thought there weren't any)
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You can eat dinner at 4:00.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
You can live without sex, but not without your glasses.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
~Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2005, 12:45 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Definition of Modern House Cleaning
1. Turning your keyboard over and shaking out the crumbs.
2. Spitting on your finger to get a speck of dust off your monitor.
3. Running disk clean up.
4, Running scan disk.
5. Running defrag.
6. Running regclean.
7. Last, but not least, deleting email permanently from your hard drive
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2005, 01:08 PM:
Rated G
My father has always despised anyone who tries to sell him something at the door. So in his brilliance he posted a sign that read, "I shoot every third salesman, the second one just left." In five years only one salesman knocked on the door.
He commented on the sign being a good joke.
"It's not," repied my father.
The man turned around and left immediately.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2005, 01:09 PM:
Rated G
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!" We're naming them Maureen and Colleen!
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do Maureen and Colleen look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2005, 01:33 PM:
Rated G
Dogs and Computers: Same or Different?
Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles Computers: bits
Method used to end undesirable behavior Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper Computers: hit control-alt-delete
After destruction of personal property D: dog not found C: file not found
Favorite trick D: roll over C: play dead
Comic-page hero D: Dogbert C: Dilbert
Fun way to mess with their heads D: peanut butter on roof of mouth C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive
Consequence of virus D: replace valuable carpeting C: replace valuable data
Widely ignored government mandate D: leash law C: Communications Decency Act
Waste disposal tool D: pooper-scooper C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)
Method of marking territory D: lifting leg C: "Designed for Windows XP"
Unique behavior D: lick and drag C: click-and-drag
Inexplicable physical feature D: dewclaw C: scroll lock key
Estimated lifespan D: 12 years C: 12 months
At end of useful life D: euthanasia C: tax deduction
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2005, 01:41 PM:
Rated G
Bob Hope once received an award and graciously gave full credit to his four writers for making it possible.
The next to receive the award was Bishop Fulton J. Sheen. He stepped to the mike and with a grin, he announced, 'I also want to thank my four writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2005, 03:35 PM:
[g]Rated G Sandy in Coronado
THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS![/b]
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd,part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while...
better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED..Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used... call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.45 volumes.Excellent condition.$1,000 or best offer.No longer needed,got married last month.Wife knows everything.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2005, 03:49 PM:
Rated G
Murphy's Laws for Parents
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
2. Leakproof thermoses -- will.
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look.
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2005, 06:20 PM:
Rated G Lulu
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal, looks to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2005, 06:28 PM:
Rated G B.B,
~~~ This Is America ~~~
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner".
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old kids run wild.
We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we're out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
~~Author Unknown~~
[ 06-24-2005, 04:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2005, 04:47 PM:
Rated G
George: My dad's very rich, so I don't know what to give him for his birthday.
What do you give a man who has everything?
Harold: A burglar alarm.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-24-2005, 04:51 PM:
Rated G
Doctor's Writing
Did you hear about the doctor who wrote out a prescription in the usual doctor's fashion?
The patient used it for two years as a railroad pass.
Twice it got him into Radio City Music Hall, and once into Yankee Stadium.
It came in handy as a letter from his employer to the cashier to increase his salary.
And to top it off, his daughter played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the Curtis Music Conservatory.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 06:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Fathers Then and Now...Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses. Today, it's the size of his mini-van.
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business. Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school." Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream. Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles. Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes. Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses. Today,"a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention. Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late. Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Andrew
The tourist tried unsuccessfully to get a conversation going with the natives around the stove.
Finally he said,"Is it against the law to talk around here?"
"Ain't no law," said a native. "But around here a man don't speak less he's sure he can improve on the silence."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 12:16 PM:
Rated G
ARE MEN LIKE...?
Place-Mats: they only show up when there's food on the table.
Mascara: they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Bike Helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Government Bonds: they take so long to mature.
Copiers: you need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Lava Lamps: fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Bank Accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
High Heels: they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Curling Irons: they're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere.
Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they're usually wrong.
Plungers: They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2005, 04:41 PM:
Rated G
Frequently I'm told how much I resemble Abraham Lincoln. Once, I was downtown waiting for the "walk" signal on the traffic light. A couple of teenage girls standing beside me suddenly greeted me by name. Surprised, I said: "I don't know you. How is it that you know my name?"
"Your son, Adam, is at Holy Cross High School?" one asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"Well, Adam says his father looks more like Abraham Lincoln than Lincoln does. So you must be Adam's dad."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2005, 07:44 AM:
Rated G
New TV shows are basically old shows, reworked slightly. Here are some new shows coming your way soon:
.Bob Villa in a show about middle-aged folks having plastic surgery: This old Spouse.
.A whiz kid lawyer who starts a lucrative practice: Doogie Shyster.
.Barabara Walters and Hugh Downs host a news show for older folks whose hearing and eyesight are deteriorating: 20/200
.A miniseries on the clinton presidency: The Blunder Years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:35 AM:
Rated G Anon.
When Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers.
DOCTORS - Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don't expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he'll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He'll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he'll ever meet another woman in his profession.
LAWYER - Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn't have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.
SALESMAN - See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don't be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.
HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, IE. Police Officer, Firefighter, Construction Worker Etc... - Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask "Honey, were you looking at her?", he'll honestly be able to say that he didn't even see her.
TEACHER - The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He'll be in jail soon, and then you'll have to look for another man.
MINISTER - See Teacher and substitute the word "girls" with "boys".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-27-2005, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Veronica
Reasons Coffee is Better Than Men...
You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 a.m. and decide to have a cup.
No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
You can always warm coffee up.
Coffee comes with endless refills.
You can smoke while drinking coffee.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 a.m.
You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
Your coffee won't be jealous of a another cup.
When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
Coffee stains are easier to remove.
Coffee smells always good.
Coffee is cheap.
And, of course ...
INSTANT COFFEE!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-01-2005, 04:07 PM:
Rated G
FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong?
HARRY:FRIEND: You don't look so good, what's wrong?
HARRY: I got domestic trouble.
FRIEND: But Harry you always said your wife was a pearl.
HARRY: Yeah its the mother of pearl that's the problem.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:33 AM:
Rated G
Sign in a travel agency window: "Please go away."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:36 AM:
Rated G
Great Advice From Children
"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants." - Ari K., age 7
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals." - Donna Maria G., age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you." - Rob P., age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it." - Steven B., age 8
"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from." - Susannah K., age 6
"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off." - Jon G., age 12
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs." - Susie F., age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense." - Beau M., age 10
"My dog had worms.I think he was going fishing."- Emma B.,age 4
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated G
Did you ever get rejected for a credit card?
I did years ago. I had just started my new job start out of college. I felt responsible enough to handle my own credit card so I applied for an American Express card.
Weeks later I received a letter stating that my job was not good enough to be accepted for the card. Funny enough, I was employed at American Express.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
From an article in the Sheboygan, Wis., LAKESHORE WEEKLY:
"Wind Mill Woodworking Inc., a manufacturer of slat wall, processed panels, and component parts, celebrated the construction of 14,400 additional square feet of whorehouse space with an open house.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2005, 11:49 AM:
Rated G
The Top 5 Euphemisms for Wasting Time
5. Shampooing the toupee.
4. Heading the Democratic National Committee
3. Compiling data on the utility of co-managed project workflow vis-a-vis transitioning material from a pre-final phase into an infra-final... is he gone yet?
2. Tutoring Paris.
and the Number 1 Euphemism for Wasting Time...
1. Kissing the Inflate-a-date.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 11:07 AM:
Rated G B.B.
~ Diva's Prayer ~
Armani
Which Art in Hermes
Hallowed be thy Gucci
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
on Rodeo
As it is in Tiffany's
Give us this day, our Visa Gold
And forgive us this overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard
Lead us not into JC Penney
And deliver us from Sears
For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier and the Versace
For Dolce and Gabbana
Amex
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2005, 11:16 AM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
CHEER UP! There's a yuppie somewhere who just pulled a hamstring in one of those sissy aerobics classes.
CHEER UP! Remember that nasty old nun who used to hit your knuckles with a ruler? She's 75 years old now, and she has arthritis.
CHEER UP! If your woman isn't faithful, you're not alone. Don't forget that even Popeye was two-timed by Olive Oyl (in almost every episode, in fact!)
CHEER UP! The worse things get,...the less you have to lose!
CHEER UP! You'll be happy to know that your local newspaper is made of 50% recycled material. (That's 1% recycled paper; 49% recycled news articles.)
CHEER UP! Miss Manners has finally been discredited. It's rude to tell other people what to do!
CHEER UP! Every three minutes, somewhere in America a suburban housewife backs the family car through the garage door.
CHEER UP! No matter how bad things get, your folks still have your old bedroom ready, and you're welcome to go back home.
CHEER UP! The time you spent reading this joke could've been spent more productively. But you're not bothered because you're one of those well-adjusted people who really doesn't give a darn.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 02:34 PM:
Rated G Alfred
Did You Know? . . . . .
At one time or another we have all probably tuned our televisions to the Weather Channel to catch the latest update, or to see what the weather is doing in other parts of the country. You no doubt then, have seen weather reporter, Jim Cantore telling us all about the latest hurricane, flooding, or snowstorm wherever it's occurring at the moment. But did you know Jim has his own 'storms' going on in his life?
His wife is dealing with Parkinson's disease since 1997. (they were married in 1990) They have two children, Ben & Christina. They both suffer from something called Fragile X Syndrome, a disorder that affects the X chromosome and causes cognitive and behavioral problems. Jim's wife was a silent carrier. So now you know Jim's 'own storm story.'
Everyone has at least one. Jim says, "Even with the stormy times, I find my life very fulfilling in many ways. Truth is, none of us can nail the forecast in life every time. But we can remember a time long ago when it rained for 40 days and 40 nights and how Noah and his family must have felt when that first ray of sunshine hit the Ark. The sun will always shine after the storm. You just have to look for it. I won't say that the sky is always sunny, because many times it isn't.
Come hurricane season, I know people won't want to see me on their coastlines. But if history holds, I know I will see 4 things. There will be adversity, but more important there will be heroism, triumph, and hope. How do I know? Trust me... I'm a weatherman!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 02:37 PM:
Rated G
Let's Face Reality...
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
You can learn many things from children ... like how much patience you have.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 02:42 PM:
Rated G Douglas
ALCOHOL ALWAYS LIED TO ME...
I Drank for Courage...and woke up night after night horrified.
I Drank for Sophistication...and became crude. I Drank to find Peace...and ignited a war within myself.
I Drank to be Friendly...and became argumentative and nasty.
I Drank to be Sexy...and turned people off.
I Drank so that I could Relate to Others...and I babbled.
I Drank to put down Loneliness...and found myself retreating more and more into my shell.
I Drank to Relax...and woke up tense.
I Drank to be Entertaining...and became an obnoxious clown.
I Drank to Live More Fully...and contemplated suicide.
I Drank for Adventure...and discovered disaster.
I Drank to be more Honest...and insulted my friends.
I Drank to Quiet my Nerves...and woke up with hangover jangles.
I Drank to Feel Better...and ended up sick and throwing up.
I Drank to have Fun...and passed out in the middle of the party.
I Drank to Pep Myself Up...and ended up exhausted.
I Drank to feel Successful...a Big Shot...but ended up a failure.
I Drank for Security...and became afraid of my shadow.
I Drank to Feel Better about Myself...and ended up hating me.
I Drank to prove I could handle Alcohol...and ended up knowing it controlled me.
A Friend asked..."But surely, now that you've been sober awhile, it would take a lot of alcohol to put you back in that condition."
"Just One Drink," I answered!
~Author Unknown~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:10 PM:
Rated G Betsy
There will always be two kinds of people: those who say what they think, and those who keep their friends.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:16 PM:
Rated G
My sister Denise, a nurse, had just finished a 12-hour shift and was now at home sleeping. My brother, meanwhile, was renovating our kitchen. To knock down a concrete wall, he used a sledgehammer and an electric saw. When the wall finally came down, it did so with a crash that shook the whole house. Denise slept through it all.
A few hours later, she stumbled out of the bedroom. "I couldn't sleep," she complained. "There's a cricket right outside the window making a terrible racket!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:29 PM:
Rated G
A TEENAGER Is...
A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.
Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.
A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.
A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.
An enthusiast who has the energy to ride a bike for miles, but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
A connoisseur of two kinds of fine music: Loud and Very Loud. A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates her brother.
A person who is always late for dinner but always on time for a rock concert.
A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
A boy who can sleep until noon on any Saturday when he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2005, 08:38 PM:
Rated G
Signs You're at a Bad National Park
The only pictures Ansel Adams took of it were from inside the women's shower.
Joe Camel subbing for vacationing Smokey the Bear.
Extremely troubled Head Ranger who blames anything that goes wrong on Scott Baio.
A $20 cover and you still gotta pay extra for the lap dances.
Malnourished bears holding signs that read, "Will caper amusingly for food."
According to posted signs, not only may you feed the animals, but afterward, you have a right to expect them to put out.
Pauly Shore's face is carved into the side of "Mount Paymore."
Bears not only take your picnic basket at gunpoint, but also make off with your Ford Explorer.
Your view of the scenery is blocked by reactor units #2 and #3.
"Here we see the oldest mobile home formations in the entire White Trash National Park."
Waterfalls seem to lose some of their majestic power whenever someone flushes a toilet.
Proudly proclaims, "100 percent Spotted Owl Free!"
When a squirrel runs by, park ranger bolts, screaming, "Run!! Run for your lives!!"
Every couple hundred feet along the hiking trails -- another Starbucks.
"Old Faithful" turns out to be a vacationing Frank Gifford.
On the tour, you see more of the Grand Crack in the ranger's ass than you do of the canyon.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-14-2005, 02:48 PM:
Rated G
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them.. That is why you pay him/her.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop," And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is God. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least one person, your nose will fall off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-18-2005, 12:01 PM:
Rated G
WARNING: Do not eat natural foods.
I use to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2005, 12:06 PM:
Rated G
What people were saying in 1959
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, iot's going to be impossible to buy a weeks grocery's for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out? It won't be long before $5000.00 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is rediculous."
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00 , nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I forst started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since Clark Gable said 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind', it seems every movie has a 'hell' or 'damn' in it.
"Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
"I never thought I would see the day all our kitchen appliences would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me,they won't be able to sit for a week."
"Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service."
"The drive up restaurant is convienient in nice weather, but I serious doubt it will catch on."
"There is no sence going to Omaha or Lincoln anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country thats fine, but nothing ever will replace trains."
"I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee up to 15 cents a cup, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget about it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair."
THOSE WERE THE DAYS.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-29-2005, 03:00 PM:
Rated G
Headlines From The Year 2050
Court clears AOLTimeWarnerGEDisneyCiscoFordRJRNabiscoExxonMobil of Monopoly Charges.
50 Year Study: Diet and excercise Key to weight loss.
Baby conceived naturally
It wasn't the cigarettes - it was the Ashtrays
Mother Monica Dies:
Revered Hero of Bankok Slums
Overcame Lurid Past
with US President
Florida to be Readmitted to Union
Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock
Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith 83, Weds handsome young actor
Construction begins on Grenada War Memorial
Baltimore Rams defeat St. Louis Ravens
Pope Phil ll settles Custody Battle with Ex Wife.
Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants
Younger Generations Music Provokes Outrage of Elders
Authentic Year 200 Chad sells for 6.9 milloion at Sotheby's
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-31-2005, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network.
They said, "Can I help you?"
He said, "I'm just looking."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-01-2005, 05:19 PM:
Rated G Gerry
"Only when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that a flush is better than a full house."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-02-2005, 04:34 PM:
Rated G...
Great quotations:
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
"A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults." -Louis Nizer
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." -Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" -Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas
"His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." -Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." -Jack E. Leonard
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." -Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." -James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain
"A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity." -Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty." -Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-02-2005, 05:08 PM:
Rated G for "groaner"...
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-03-2005, 11:07 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston Ont. CA
The Do Not Take Yourself Too Seriously Department:
4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
A flashlight is a cylindrical device for storing dead batteries.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
>What do you call a fish with no eyes? ... A fsh.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2005, 04:13 PM:
Rated G Italian Pasta Diet
1 - You walka pasta da bakery.
2 - You walka pasta the candy store.
3. - You walka pasta the ice cream shop.
4 - You walka pasta the table and frige.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2005, 05:01 PM:
Rated G
The mosquito's favorite sport?
Skin-Diving.
Why are mosquito's religious?
They prey on you.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito?
A mosquito drops off you when you die.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-05-2005, 05:06 PM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
40 THINGS YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW
1. Money isn't made out of paper; it's made out of cotton.
2. The 57 on Heinz ketchup bottle represents the varieties of pickles the company once had.
3. Your stomach produces a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.
4. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
5. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".
6. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
7. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
8. A duck's quack doesn't echo ... no one knows why.
9. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
10. Every person has a unique tongue print
11. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
12. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes. He was albino.
13. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
14. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen in the distance.
15. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
16. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
17. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
18. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
19. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
20. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
21. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be "set" in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
22. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
23. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
24. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
25. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never a recorded Wendy before!
26. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple and silver!
27. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
28. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
29. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
30. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
31. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
32. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
33. American Airlines saved $40,000 in '87 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first class.
34. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola
35. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
36. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
37. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
38. Guinness Book of Records holds the record... for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
39. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator game..
40. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into spacebecause passing wind in a space suit damages them.
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 08-10-2005, 08:11 AM:
Rated PG
Three mothers are sitting at the table and they talk.
The first one says: "I found some Martini bottles in the room of my daughter and I didn't know she was an alcoholic!"
The second one mentions:"I found three packs of cigarettes in my daughter's room and I didn't know that she smoked!"
The third one said:"I found a pack of condoms in my daughter's room. And I didn't know she had a dick..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 08:45 AM:
Rated G
"Waiter! This coffee tasts like mud."
"Yes sir, It's fresh ground."
"I drank a whole bottle of bug repellent by mistake the other day......Now my fly doesn't work."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 02:16 PM:
Rated G
Real Signs and Advertisements
Sign in a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here"
In a Pennsylvania Cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves"[/b]
On a Tennessee Highway
"Take notice when this sign is under water, the road is impassable"[/b]
From the safty information card in America West Airline seat pocket.
"If your sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop
"Our best is none too good."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 02:43 PM:
Rated G
Just Give Me Mummy
Did you hear about the new Egyptian Flu?
It lasts nine months and then you become a "MUMMY."
If a mummy loses his bandages, how long does he have to stay in the hospital?
Until he is completely recovered.
Why did the Mummy go on vacation?
He needed to unwind!
Why were the ancient Egyptian children usually confused?
Because their daddies were Mummies!
What is a Mummy's favorite type of music?
Wrap!!
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-10-2005, 02:55 PM:
Rated G
What do you get if you cross a snowman and a shark?
Frost bite!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes!
How do snowmen travel around?
By icele!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 05:46 AM:
Rated G George Carlin
"Don't make the same mistake twice seems to indicate three mistakes, doesn't it? First you make the mistake. Then you make the same mistake. Then you make the same mistake twice. If you simply say, 'Don't make the same mistake,' you'll avoid the first mistake, won't you?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
"I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure." Anon.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 11:50 AM:
Rated G
What do you give a man who has everything?
Antibiotics.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 01:30 PM:
Rated G
"Your too good for him" - Sign over mirror in ladies restroom. Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, Ca.
"No wonder you always go home alone." - Sign over mirror in Mens restroom. Ed Devevic's, Beverly Hills, Ca.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 01:41 PM:
Rated G
BOB'S MG
I was driving the other day and came up on a VW Beetle with a license plate reading 'BOBS MG'.
I was able to pull up beside the car at the next light, so I said to the driver, "Hey, that's not an MG."
The driver looked over at me and said, "I'm not Bob."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 01:52 PM:
Rated G
New Definitions for 2006
Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 02:57 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A very small boy was in New York City for the first time.
His father took him on an elevator to the top of a skyscraper. After they had shot skyward thirty stories at breathtaking speed, the little boy asked timidly, "Daddy, does God know we're coming?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 02:59 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
A man goes into a fish n chip shop with a salmon under his arm. He asks 'Do you sell fish cakes here?'
'No' was the reply.
'Shame, it's his birthday.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 03:01 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"A DUMMIES' GUIDE TO LIFE"
Never throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks" there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 03:07 PM:
Rated G
Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
An escalator never breaks . . . it only becomes stairs.
When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
What will today's younger generation tell their children they had to do "without"?
If you're doing the speed limit, you're in the way.
18 out of 10 schizophrenics agree.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Bumper Sticker: Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.
No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions.
People never grow up; they just learn how to act in public.
One half of the world will never understand the other half and it doesn't matter which half you're in.
I've discovered the whole problem with the National Debt. Most of us work 5 days a week and the government spends 7.
You'll notice that a turtle only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
No matter how bad it gets, I'm rich at the dollar store.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can't hold it.
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
The reason Las Vegas is so crowded is that no one has the plane fare to leave.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-12-2005, 03:11 PM:
Rated G
The Top 6 Dishes Prepared With Household Pets
6. Cat Soup {Put in for Rachel)
5. Chicken Poodle Soup
4. Turtlellini
3. Lhasa Thermidor
2. Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas
and the number 1 dish prepared with household pets...
1. I'll-Teach-You-to-Pee-on-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:42 AM:
Rated G Michele
BEST out of office messages:
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on 4 April. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
5. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
6. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
7. I've run away to join a different circus.
8. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Margaret' instead of 'Jay'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:48 AM:
Rated G
OFFICE SIGN
"In case of fire, leave the building with the same reckless abandon that you do at quitting time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 05:49 AM:
Rated G
COMMERCIALS NOT SHOWN ON TV:
'Try new Liquid Plumber Facial Cream. Remember, if it will unclog your sink, it will certainly unclog your nose.
'Remember, Schlegelmichman's Soap, the brand you can't spell backwards or forwards.'
'We're not the Breakfast of Champions. We're the breakfast for kids who just want to reach the semi-finals or get the good- sportsmanship award.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 06:09 AM:
Rated G Maggie
We're here for a moment in time and then we're gone. Why waste one second on self-pity, frustration, irritation, and all the rest?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-14-2005, 06:46 AM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
What Are Friends For!
Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly,sissy,completely wet "friendship" poems that never come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that really speak to true friendship:
1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you that way.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had sex.
4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be to stop your bloody whining.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-16-2005, 04:26 PM:
Rated G
It’s All In Your Mind....
I took my fingers and slowly, and gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white.I licked it once, twice..I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it.There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy.I was done.And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.
I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of itI moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue.The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.
The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.
MORAL???
It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:02 AM:
Rated G
City streets aren't safe to walk on.Cars are being stolen at a rapid clip.Homes are burglarized. The air around us is poisoned.
But thanks to advertising, our underarms are fully protected.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:31 AM:
Rated G
Viagra vs Marijuana"
Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two Marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.
The Viagra pills scoff at them. One
Marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks, "Don't you think we should be legal?"
"No," said the Viagra pills, "We are hard on drugs."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:36 AM:
Rated G
There is a knock on St. Peter's door. He looks out and a man is standing there. St. Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.
A short time later there's another knock. St. Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, and the man disappears once again.
"Hey, are you playing games with me?" St. Peter calls after him.
"No," the man's distant voice replies anxiously. "They're trying to resuscitate me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:46 AM:
Rated G
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
Why did the Amish wife apply for a divorce?...
Because Her husband was driving her buggy!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 09:55 AM:
Rated PG
Things NOT To Do In The Nude:
• Fry bacon
• Slide into home plate
• Arc weld
• Wrestling
• Bathe a cat
• Sit on an ant hill
• Play hockey
• Operate a weed wacker
• Clear a patch of poison ivy
• Present a children's television show
• Make a snow angel
• Insulate the attic with fiberglass
• Bullriding or Bullfighting
• Operate a lathe
• BBQ
• Parachuting
• Chop firewood
• Beekeeping
• Hop over a picket fence
• Crawl through a barbed wire fence
• Train an attack dog
• Pick up a dime from a San Francisco sidewalk
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 10:00 AM:
Rated PG
As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. You came to me unexpectedly during the calm balmy night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...
You sensed my indifference, so you started to bite my body without any guilt or humiliation, and drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.
My body still shows marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... As soon as you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go, will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear. Won't rest until I squeeze your blood out of you...You Damn Mosquito.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 03:30 PM:
Rated G
Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated?
I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to make a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
"Why, your such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes" the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the fly swatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, mom. I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2005, 03:31 PM:
Rated G
Ben Franklin invented bifocal lenses, the furnace stove, and even invented the very first device that harnessed electricity.
Judging from his picture, it looks like he invented the comb-over, too.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 12:57 PM:
Rated PG
You know how, in the olden days, you were named for what you did? For instance, if you were a blacksmith, your last name would be Smith, if you were a baker, your last name was Baker.
It kind of makes me wonder what John Hancock's ancestors did for a living.
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 08-24-2005, 02:47 PM:
Rated G
24,000/3=?
OK let's "calculate" it... "3" doesn't fit the "2" but the "4"...
So the line would be following:
24,000/3=1...
Now I also drop the "2" that we skipped right before:
24,000/3=1...
21 Rest
3 fits 7 times in 21.
24,000/3=17,000
Now let's prove if the calclation is right.
17,000
17,000
17,000
------
__,000
7 + 7 = 14; 14 + 7 = 21; plus the three "1" equals 24!
17,000
17,000
17,000
------
24,000
Bottom line: Perfect calculation!
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 08-24-2005, 03:02 PM:
Rated G
A man stumbles down the road - of course totally alcoholized.
He meets the president of the club "anti-alcohol". He sees the totally alcoholized man and decides to talk to him.
"Hello, you did drink some beers didn't you?" - "W...well... gooood beeeers... hic" - "Aren't you ashamed? Spending all your money you earn?? How much do you drink a day?" - "Till ... I am ... hic... stufffffed.... but goooood" - "Well you should be ashamed! Look at that skyscraper! That could be yours if you didn't drink!" - "Oh... is that building.... hic.... yoursss?" - "No" - "Oh i wwas jusst wondering... hic... this is mine!"
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 08-24-2005, 03:33 PM:
Rated PG
In a elementary school there is an inspection. The inspector sits down in the last row just behind Bob.
The teacher (female) writes on the blackboard "TODAY THE WEATHER IS FINE".
She asks: Now who of you kids is going to read that?
Bob: Me, Miss Wormwood.
Teacher: Ok start reading Bob.
Bob: The teacher has big tits!
Teacher (embarrassed): No Bob that is the wrong answer.
Bob turns around and yells: Well Mr. Inspector, if you can't read, you ought not tell me some wrong answer!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:21 PM:
Rated PG George
How ugly is she?
...She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.
...As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.
...Even mosquitoes stay away from her.
...She startles the animals at the zoo.
...On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
...She makes onions cry.
..Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.
...Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.
...The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.
...When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-24-2005, 04:24 PM:
Rated G
Bad Habits
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building.
The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-28-2005, 08:46 AM:
Rated G Denny
Grandma
Here's a quote from someone who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar activist.
"There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America.I politely declined to takeone. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet,which she politely declined.The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said,"Ma'am, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said,"Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II, my second husband died in Korea, one of my sons died in Vietnam,a Grandson died in Desert Storm, all so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it."
[ 09-13-2005, 07:55 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2005, 08:00 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora Ontario Ca
The Darwin Awards 2005
For those who don't know, these are annual awards given in recognition of the natural selection process whereby our gene pool is made stronger by the elimination of those who are intelligence-challenged.
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.
Darwin Award Winners:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
And now, the honorable mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably,he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar,a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train.When asked how he received the injuries,the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K,put a $20 bill on the counter,and asked for change.When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register,which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,leaving the $20 bill on the counter.The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious.The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran.The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher.They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m.,flashed a gun,demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast .The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street,he got much more than he bargained for.Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motorhome's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend.In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.
[ 09-13-2005, 08:06 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 09-12-2005, 03:21 PM:
Rated G
An engineer meets a carpenter and a mathematician.
They are asked to calculate 1+1.
The carpenter just says "2".
The engineer says "1.9 +/- 10%"
The mathematician sits down for some hours. After that he says proudly "It is unsolvable"
==============================================================
Rated G
An engineer, a carpenter and a mathematician are asked to calculate the square root of 2.
Engineer (with the use of his pocket calculator): "This will be 1.414213562."
Carpenter: "Er... Something around 1.41"
Mathematician: "I don't know what the result of this problem is, but i can prove that it exists!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-13-2005, 02:36 PM:
Rated G
It’s All In Your Mind....
I took my fingers and slowly, and gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice..I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done.
And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.
I squeezed it gently at first, then a little bit harder. There seemed to be more and more of it I moved it towards my lips. It was a strange and new sensation for me.I put it in my mouth and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience. The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.
MORAL???
It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 12:30 PM:
Rated PG
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me.
Worf: Not me.
Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet--
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand--we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt--MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun--
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw--quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
THE END
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 12:37 PM:
Rated G
The secret to enjoying a good wine is:
1 - Open the bottle to allow it to breathe.
2 - When it does not breathe, give it mouth-to-mouth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:32 PM:
Rated G
Q: "What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Social Worker?"
A: "It's easier to get your baby back from a Rottweiler."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:33 PM:
Rated G George
Heard in an East German department store:
Customer: Don't you have any shoes here?
Salesman: No, we don't have any furniture, here. No shoes is one floor down.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 02:47 PM:
Rated G
Heard this one last night:
A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."
The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says, "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2005, 03:05 PM:
Rated G
This was a letter printed in Car & Driver (May)
Q: Is it true that you shouldn't use the air-recirculate button on your car's climate control for more than a minute or so? A friend told me that you could die from lack of oxygen if you do.
Editor: Not true. In fact, when the windows are closed recirculating the air is safer than running the fresh-air fan for extended periods-- which can cause the cabin to explode.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 09:46 AM:
Rated G
This morning, we in the San Francisco Bay area were treated to about eight earthquakes. The first was at about 6:30, the next at about 6:45 and the third at about 6:55.
A caller to a local radio station said, "Hey, how about that! An earthquake with a snooze alarm!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.
3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform wearing a funny hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.
6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.
13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.
15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
16. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
20. Most things that are new or in some way unexpected.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 03:28 PM:
Rated G
Some other things that never happen on Star Trek...
A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.
Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a Close Encounters reject?"
Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.
A major character has a serious character flaw.
A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2005, 06:49 PM:
Rated G
Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of getting lost, and why humans always end up with large collections of unmatched odd socks.
One school of thought says that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).
On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a generalised exclusion principle--it is impossible for two socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of happening, one of the socks has to vanish.
Indeed the Uncertainty Principle also comes in--the only time you know where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces, changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way, socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack Charm.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 11:03 AM:
Rated R
"Personal" ad in local paper:
David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 01:31 PM:
Rated PG
"A friend of mine went to Tehran and all I got was this lousy death shroud."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 01:35 PM:
Rated PG Amazing Scientific Discovery
Physicists at the University of Rochester have discovered that it is possible, using their multimillion dollar fusion research laser equipment, to destroy objects that are very far away, for example, in Utah.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 02:18 PM:
Rated G
The Definitive Story Of Santa Clause
Proposition: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? (See below for my rebuttal..)
As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
REBUTTAL: (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then it's only a small step to the rest.
For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.
So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk yech.
6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!
You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.
7. If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They haven't bomarck'd him yet, so they must believe too, right?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-19-2005, 02:22 PM:
Rated PG Horney Male
Dear Doctor Rude,
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the difference between the following kisses?
Aristotelian kiss
Hegelian kiss
Wittgensteinian kiss
Godelian kiss
Signed,
Flummoxed in Florida
Dear Flummoxed,
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary of some of these important types of kisses:
Aristotelian kiss -- a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that the latter is irrelevant anyway.
Hegelian kiss -- a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own antithikiss, forming a synthekiss.
Wittgensteinian kiss -- the important thing about this type of kiss is that it refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with the experience of the kiss-- which must necessarilly also be differentiated from the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on our manipulation of the symbology therefor.
Godelian kiss -- a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not.
Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list--here are just a few other classic kisses:
Socratic kiss -- actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover more ground.
Kantian kiss -- a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've ever given or received.
Kafkaesque kiss -- a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform you but ends up just bugging you.
Sartrean kiss -- a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it really doesn't matter anyway.
Russell-Whiteheadian kiss -- a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete somehow.
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss -- Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me.
Pythagorean kiss -- a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others would find out about them and start using them.
Cartesian kiss -- A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, but colder overall.)
Heisenbergian kiss -- a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the less sure you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to enjoy them.
Nietzscheian kiss -- "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger."
Epimenidian kiss -- a kiss given by someone who does not kiss.
Grouchoic kiss -- a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not kiss him or her.
Harpoic kiss -- shut up and kiss me.
Zenoian kiss -- your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch.
Procrustean kiss -- well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas of the anatomy other than the lips.
Doctor Rude
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 08:19 AM:
Rated G
Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
Metamorphosis II
Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation, this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The few people who still felt any compassion for him are now totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.
Taming of the Shrew II: Who's the Shrew?
The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherine's daughter Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into submission with an ax handle.
Huck Finn II
Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the "barefoot bookkeeper." Jim leaves the Indians and gets his law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are up on a racketeering charge.
Lysistrata II
Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but decide they don't like them. Eventually the men give in.
The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe
Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island. The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it up each time.
Undeath of a Salesman
Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to go into professional football, where he becomes a big star but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement for nylons.
The Divine Tragedy
In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.
The Bible II
Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer. Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 09-20-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated G
A Viking walks to an American washing his car.
The Viking asks: "Hey is this a Chevy?"
The man replies: "No, this is a FJORD!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 02:50 PM:
Rated PG
Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was.
First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.
"Let's go to Hell," they said to each other.
Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time.
Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.
Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.
"What's this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different."
"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 03:02 PM:
Rated G SNL 1989
Question: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?
Answer: So the other one could drive!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-20-2005, 03:03 PM:
Rated XXX
Seen on the back of a Japanese car:
Buy American
Fuck Quality and Price
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-26-2005, 09:13 AM:
Rated XX
One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names?
The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...
Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-27-2005, 09:52 AM:
Rated PG
Throwing away garbage
An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to get rid of a large supply of garbage from his recent stay at an apartment. After a long search, he just couldn't find any place to discard of it. So, he just went down one of the side streets to dump it there.
Yet, he was stopped by a Moscow police officer, who said, "Hey you, what are you doing?"
"I have to throw this away," replied the tourist.
"You can't throw it away here. Look, follow me," the policeman offered.
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, "dump all the garbage you want."
The American shrugs, opens up the large bags of garbage, and dumps them right on the flowers.
"Thanks for giving me a place to dump this stuff. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian courtesy?" asked the tourist.
"No. This is the American Embassy."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-27-2005, 01:55 PM:
Rated G
The Top 19 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Ideas
19. Beerios
18. Kevorkian Krispies
17. Honeymoon Nuts
16. Chernobyl Charms
15. Eboli-O’s
14. Cap’n Crack
13. Kellogg’s Ganja Puffs
12. Lucky Tabs O’ Acid
11. Colostomy Crunch
10. Phil Graham Crackers
9. Fruit & Fabio
8. Look Again — Them Ain’t Raisins_
7. Post-Modern Toasties and Rococo Puffs
6. Limbaugh Logs
5. Kellogg’s “None of Your Dam Business”
4. Special AK47
3. UnaBran
2. Nut ‘N’ Bitch
1. CaCa Puffs
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-05-2005, 05:36 AM:
Rated G
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
!
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed! , boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry,scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An t oes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: " Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-05-2005, 11:30 AM:
Rated G
Charles Schultz Philosophy
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.
4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.
How did you do?
The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause dies.Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier?
The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care.
"Look to your health; and if you have it,praise God....for health is a blessing that money cannot buy."
~~Izaak Walton (1593-1683)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 10:17 PM:
Rated G
Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"
"Sixty cents," said the driver.
The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"
"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 10:23 PM:
Rated G Betsy
There are tall people, short people, skinny people, and fat people, and every one of them would like to get his hands on the manufacturer who claims, "One size fits all."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-07-2005, 10:25 PM:
Rated G Betsy
My friend was enjoying his new car's sound system, driving with the volume way up.
At a traffic light he heard a shout, "Hey, do you mind?" Beside him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 01:41 AM:
Rated G JT
Queston: How do amoebas keep in touch?
Answer: With cell phones.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2005, 10:12 AM:
Rated G Sheila
"I just got back from Vegas. I was very excited. I was working the Riviera. The big thrill is to go out and see your name on the marquee. And I went out to look at my name, and it said, "Riviera . . . Sheila Kay . . . Craps in the Lounge."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 09:40 AM:
Rated G
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 09:48 AM:
Rated G
Two friends were discussing the public trend towards more traditional family values, sex, marriage, etc. Ralph said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?"
"I'm not sure" said the friend, "What was her maiden name?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 09:56 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Just Think About This!
My boss and I had a battle of wits but he ran out of ammunition.
Beauty is only skin deep but stupid goes right to the bone.Don't worry, make someone else worry instead.
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." ~ A.Whitney Brown
"What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary." ~Richard Harkness, N.Y.Times,1960
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 10:00 AM:
Rated G
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2004:
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers [Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They may be on to something!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2005, 10:10 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Age to women is like kryptonite to Superman."
"Home wasn't built in a day."
"Some folks are wise and some otherwise."
"God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny."
"Start every day with a smile and get it over with." (W.C. Fields)
"Pretty much all the truth telling there is in the world is done by children." (Oliver Wendell Holmes)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2005, 08:03 AM:
Rated G
Albert Einstein was once introduced to the eighteen-month-old son of a young friend. The infant looked into the old physicist's wizened face and promptly began to bawl. "You're the first person for years," Einstein declared, patting the child on the head, "who has told me what you really think of me."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-11-2005, 12:42 PM:
Rated PG
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No. What do you mean?"
"You must be new here," she says.
"Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2005, 08:25 AM:
Rated PG
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2005, 02:23 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Five black men in purple dinner jackets and bow ties were found floating today under a pier in New Orleans.
DNA tests later identified them as The Drifters.
Rumor has it they were under the boardwalk, down by the sea.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2005, 06:50 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Ever wonder why some people won't drive during daylight hours in a certain part of California?
It's 'cause their doctors told them to stay out of the sun to avoid car Sonoma.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-14-2005, 06:53 AM:
Rated G Bruce
If big boobed women work at Hooters
Where do one legged women work??
.
.
.
.
.
I HOP!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 01:49 PM:
Rated G Quirk
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 01:54 PM:
Rated G popo
To comply with recent internet law changes...this site will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it!
Your co-operation is expected.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 01:55 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work.
"Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks.
"No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works."
Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 02:01 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Travel Destinations
Artists go to: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes go to: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay, Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 02:09 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations. . . .
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step... blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2005, 03:59 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
What are the three fastest means of communication?
a) Internet
b) Telephone
c) Telawoman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 07:05 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Sayings You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys room."
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 07:19 AM:
Rated G
Groaner of the Day:
"A Romanian man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing 120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say so far, no change."
----Jay Leno
"A high school in England is going to teach a class in Elvish - the language that is spoken in 'The Lord of The Rings'. Not surprisingly the Elvish language has no words for girl, date or kiss."
--Conan O'Brien
"A pair of ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in "Wizard of Oz" have been stolen. The culprit is considered armed and fabulous."
--Dave Letterman
"In a new survey it was found that roughly 30% of Americans believe in ghosts. It was also found that liberals are more likely to believe in ghosts that conservatives. Which explains why liberals are so against the death penalty. They're scared they might piss the guy off and he'll come back!"
--Jay Leno
"The senate has finally agreed to vote on President Bush's judicial nominees without having a filibuster. However, President Bush still thinks that a filibuster is a chocolate covered peanut candy bar."
--Conan O'Brien
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'
---Dave George
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 12:43 PM:
Rated G
Q. What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
A. One's an heir apparent, the next is a hairy parent, the next has no hair apparent, and the last has nary a parent.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 02:31 PM:
Rated G
New Definitions for 2005
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2005, 02:33 PM:
Rated G
Automation
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.
"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2005, 02:55 PM:
Rated G
My friend loves to "Dumpster Dive" looking for discarded things that she might be able to use, but on this trip to the"Dumpster" she took some shoes that she didn't want anymore and she dropped them at the "Dumpster".
While there she looked through some bags of items and deceided to leave when she spotted a bag with several boxes inside.She retrived the bag intending to open it when she got home.
When she opened the bag at home she found that she brought back the same shoes that she took to the "Dumpster" to drop off that she no longer wanted..
I had a good laugh !!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2005, 02:56 PM:
Rated G
SLANGDAMONIUM WORD FOR TODAY - "CARISMA" Sure he was balding, wrinkled, and paunchy, but Harold had a Porsche and was certain that what he lacked in looks he made up for in carisma.
DEFINITION: Mistaken belief that older men become more attractive to young women by driving a sports car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2005, 03:01 PM:
Rated G
SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN. . .
8. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag.
7. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats.
6. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher.
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system.
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings.
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus.
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks.
1. No toes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 07:57 AM:
Rated G
Sign seen on doctor's office wall:
If you don't believe the dead come back to life, just drop by here at quitting time!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:08 AM:
Rated G
The sign on the escalator door read, "This escalator is out of whack."
By the next day someone used a crayon to add "More whack is on order."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 02:54 PM:
Rated G
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:34 PM:
Rated G
One day my sister,who is a seamstress and a busy working mother with four children, drove past a patrol car in the small town where she lives. The patrol car did a quick U-turn, its flashing lights came on and it pulled up behind her.
As she had been driving the speed limit, she couldn't imagine why she was being stopped.
The officer approached her window and said: "You're a hard lady to catch at home. I was wondering if you'd hem a pair of uniform pants for me?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-19-2005, 09:37 PM:
Rated G Spaz
Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives. Two fellows who had been rivals all their lives followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.
As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the Airport. The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, “Oh SkyCap, from what pier is the flight to Dallas leaving?”
The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, “Pier 7 Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 06:33 AM:
Rated G
Tristan Bernard once won a newspaper competition by providing the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre and you could save only one painting, which would it be?"
His answer? "The one nearest the exit!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:12 AM:
Rated G Gerry
I'm definitely a precrastinator...a procastineater...a precrestinater ...Someday I'm going to learn how to spell that word.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 07:40 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Hello,I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache,shake,and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop .
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I finish with you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:35 PM:
Rated G
Original 'Out Of Office' Auto Replies
11. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
10. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
9. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to upper management.
8. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 01/05. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
7. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (the beauty of this is that when your return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).
5. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
4. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
3. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
2. I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE!!
1. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as "Loretta" instead of "Steve".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:36 PM:
Rated G B.B.
You've been watching too much TV when...
- you find a rerun of the OJ trial interesting.
~ you think Bravo has quality programming.
~ you only eat food that has been shown in commercials.
~ you watch soap operas and think they have quality writers.
~ you wish you could star in an infomercial.
~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"
~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.
~ you were able to get a high school diploma by watching homework hotline.
~ you start recognizing extras in movies.
~ Guinness gives you a world record.
~ you've actually seen a politician say something intelligent in an interview.
~ you contemplate suicide when cable goes out.
~ the snow becomes interesting.
~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.
~ you think the reason people in the third world are suffering because they don't have TVs.
~ you can understand what is going on the scrambled channels.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 04:45 PM:
Rated G
While visiting Henry Ward Beecher one day, Robert Ingersoll noticed a beautiful globe depicting the various constellations and stars of the heavens.
Ingersoll asked his host who had made it. "Who made it?"
Beecher replied, seizing the opportunity to attack his guest's well-known agnosticism."Why, nobody made it. It just happened!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 05:01 PM:
Rated G
Having just completed my training as the hospital's switchboard operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies: Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.
My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."
I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.
Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.
"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what us nurses page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box of chocolates!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 05:03 PM:
Rated G
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at night and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 05:04 PM:
Rated G
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail... but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
The average reaction to a car accident is "Oh Shit!!" In Texas it's "Hold my beer, watch this!!!!".
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose- fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping..." Now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Why do you have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier!!"
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 09:17 PM:
Rated PG
Things that might've been funny if comedian Steve Wright had said them...
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
I bought a portable cable tv.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5," but I can't find the first four anywhere.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 09:22 PM:
Rated R - P. Inglis, Waterloo Ontario Canada.
Let's:
...make like a tree and leave.
...make like a shepherd and get the flock outta here.
...make like a bird and flock off
...make like horse sh!t and hit the trail.
...make like a banana and split.
...make like a missile and cruise.
...make like a fetus and head out.
...make like a baby and head out.
...make like a hockey player and get the puck out of here.
...make like a drum and beat it.
...make like a drummer and beat it.
...make like a bee and buzz off.
...make like Diarrhea and run
...make like a tire and hit the road
...make like Linda Lovelace and blow.
...make like a terrorist and blow this place.
...make like a busboy and get the fork out of here.
...make like a douche and get the fuck out of there.
...make like a strawberry and jam.
...make like traffic and jam.
...make like stockings and run.
...make like a sock and run.
...make like a loaf of French bread and baguette.
...make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta' here.
...make like a bread truck and haul buns.
...make like a Bakery truck and Move your buns.
We're off like a prom dress!!!
...make like a prom dress and take off.
We're off like pants in the dark.
...make like the devil and get the hell out of here.
...make like the Red Sea and split.
...make like the Red Sea and part.
...make like a banana in the presence of ice cream and split
...make like an amoeba and split...!
...make like the wind and blow.
...make like a tomato and Ketch-up.
...make like a driver and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a teamster and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like a hippy and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like the Dead and Keep On Truckin'.
...make like lightning and bolt.
...make like a Nut and Bolt.
...make like a rectum and get the sh*t out of here.
...make like a donkey's d!ck and hit the road.
...make like [insert name of unpopular politician or personality] and blow.
...make like Michael Jackson and "Beat it!"
...make like a hippy and blow this place.
...make like Santa Claus and leave your presents (presence)!
...make like Tom and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Cruise.
...make like Pablo and Pick Ass Off here. (?)
...make like a Hewlett Packard Laser Printer and jet.
...make like a jacket and zip.
...make like a magnet and flux off.
...make like Levi's and fade away.
...make like a bowel, and move.
...make like a tie and hang around some more.
...make like a botanist and leaf.
...make like a dog and flea.
...make like a register and shift.
...make like newlyweds; remain in bed all day. (or go to bed early.)
...make like an unstructured program, and go (to).
...make like Houdini and disappear
...make like a mongrel and get lost
...make like a teeny-bopper singer and fade away
...make like data and move
...make like make(1) and update (your location)
...make like a football and kickoff
...make like a baseball player and home-run
...make like rot13 and shpx bss
...make like a pound and quid (quit).
...make like a jet and zoom.
...make like an airplane and take off.
...make like a hat and go on ahead.
...make like an atom and split.
...make like a Catholic and pull out.
...make like The Exorcist and get the hell outta here.
...make like rain and get the hail out of here.
I'm going to take a sedimental journey and precipitate outta here.
I'm off like exit(0).
Let us leave (lettuce leaf) (only works for 2+, obviously)
Off like a dirty shirt.
Off like the brides pajamas.
We're off lika a bride's nightie...
Put an egg in my shoe and beat it.
Why don't you make like an asshole and post exit lines?
Hanging in there like stink on a stockyard boot.
Act like yesterdays lunch, go down and out the back.
Award Winners...
The award winner for the most relevant and irrelevant contribution;
There were other versions (corrections... sheesh!) but this was the first.
And don't forget my favorite (from Back to the Future):
"Make like a tree, McFly. Get outta here."
The award winner for the most tasteless contribution;
...make like an abortion and head out early.
BONUS JOKE-
What the marketing director of a major condom manufacturing company said when asked to come up with a new gimmick for their new line of condoms;
"Let's make like bullfrogs and ribbit"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-24-2005, 09:27 PM:
Rated G
Introducing:
L I T E
the new, LIGHT way to spell "light!" With 20% fewer letters!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:37 AM:
Rated G Marymac
Smile . . . tomorrow could be worse. So I smiled, and it was worse.
Always remember. The driver in front of you is allways an idiot.
The driver in back of you is always a moron.
If there is a driver on your right, he/she is always stupid.
If there is a car on your left, the driver is always an imbecile until he/she finishes passing you and you can take that lane.
Then, he/she becomes an idiot.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:48 AM:
Rated G Here and There
"Regis and Donald Trump have a Christmas CD coming out. Regis and Donald together. Here's what I'm going to do... on Christmas Eve I'm going to start a big roaring fire and throw the CD into it."
--Dave Letterman
"Boy these rains are unbelievable. You know what I love about rain in Los Angeles? Driving to work in a downpour and seeing everyone's sprinklers on in their front yards."
--Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein's trial started today. The trial was televised live and many Iraqis were glued to their TV sets – mainly because years ago Saddam had them glued to their TV sets."
--Conan O'Brien
"Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish."
---Tom Ryan
I remember I told my wife, "Honey, I love you, will you marry me?" She said, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't ask me to do this."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami, so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs. New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors."
---Bill Maher
"Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."
--Anon
"Why must hailstones always be the size of something else? And if it must be that way, why don't they have hailstones the size of testicles?"
---George Carlin
"I had to go to analysis. They told me I had an unresolved Oedipus complex. Which, according to them, meant I want to sleep with my mother. Which is preposterous. My father doesn't even want to sleep with my mother."
---Dennis Wolfberg
"I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it sure works."
-- Henny Youngman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2005, 07:49 AM:
Rated G Michael
Remember Today is International Day for the Mentally Disturbed.
Please send encouraging messages to a mentally retarded friend, as I have done. I hope you know that I care for you...no matter how "special you may be."
Pls. don't forget to take your pills.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 06:04 AM:
Rated G
HUMOR FOR THE THINKING PERSON
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do Forest Rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 06:56 AM:
Rated G
"Boy these rains are unbelievable. The gas station near my house had a flash flood yesterday. Luckily for the owner he was already up on the ladder changing the prices on his signs...so he is ok."
--Jay Leno
"We have Weezer on the show tonight. Don't confuse that with the Rolling Stones - that would be geezer."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 07:09 AM:
Rated G
You Know Your're Trailer Trash When...
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 07:47 AM:
Rated G
WHERE THE SHORTAGE ISN'T
The problem isn’t that there are enough people with common sense; the problem is that there aren’t enough people with uncommon sense.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:10 PM:
Rated G
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'"
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:18 PM:
Rated G
While visiting Manhattan one evening, essayist G. K. Chesterton was taken to view the brilliant lights of Broadway.
After staring at the sea of scintillating product names and marquee advertisements for several minutes, Chesterton issued his verdict: "How beautiful it would be," he said, "for someone who could not read."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-27-2005, 03:36 PM:
Rated G
Motherly Lessons
1) My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
2) My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
3) My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
4) My Mother taught me ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
5) My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
6) My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
7) My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
8) My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
9) My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
10) My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
11) My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
12) My mother taught me about RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."
13) And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE... "One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
14) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE... "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
15) My mother taught me RELIGION... "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
16) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL... "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 06:33 AM:
Rated G
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. .but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven,do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to ahorrible crisp,which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons,does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle,Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Relax...Your only purpose in this life may be to recover from some previous life....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 06:48 AM:
Rated G
I had answered the phone and explained to the caller that my husband couldn't come to the phone because she was in the middle of hanging wallpaper.
Could I take a message, I asked.
The man said that a message wasn't necessary; could I please just answer the door.
He had been ringing and ringing our doorbell, but no one was answering. He was now calling from his car phone.
I was puzzled because my husband and I were just on the other side of the door in the hallway and had heard nothing.
I peeked out the front window, then chuckled. "Do you drive a silver car?" I asked the caller.
He did.
"Hang up," I told him, "and cross the street. You're in our neighbor's driveway."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 07:00 AM:
Rated G
At the day camp where I worked, my group of five- and six-year- olds had built forts from a pile of folding mats.
One girl pieced together her "princess castle," stood back to admire it, then invited me in for a cup of tea.
I entered carefully, as the walls were precariously balanced against one another. Just as the tea was being poured, the entire structure collapsed around us.
The little girl looked up. "Pardon me," she said. "We're renovating."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 07:40 AM:
Rated G
A FEW GROANERS
A dentist married a manicurist but they didn't get along so well. They kept fighting tooth and nail.
I visited a castle in England. Late one evening I saw a man in a suit of armor carrying a torch. He was the knight light.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. His summer, however, was lousy.
The sea never speaks to the shore. It just waves.
It only takes one mystery writer to change a light bulb, but he has to give it a good twist.
Is someone who gives a healing massage in Egypt called a Cairo- practor?
[ 10-28-2005, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 12:46 PM:
Rated G
One-Liners
The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
A word of advice...don't give it.
If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 12:58 PM:
Rated G
Question: What did one flag say to the other flag?
Answer: Nothing. It just waved.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 01:00 PM:
Rated G
NOT THE BEST PICK-UP LINES
- Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?
- For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Bruce, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality.
- When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony.
- You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet.
- I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in my head and was using it as antenna to read my thoughts.
- No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.
- My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison.
- I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer.
- How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes will give you a really cool buzz.
- Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?
- I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?
- I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 01:11 PM:
Rated G
An older lady in our town remarried after years of widowhood. She chose her only daughter to be her matron of honour, and asked her daughter's husband to escort her down the aisle.
"I was delighted to be asked for this honor," he told the guests at the reception. "After all, there are few men indeed who get the chance to give away their mother-in-law."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 01:20 PM:
Rated G
Points to Ponder:
- They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.
- Sign seen on a plastic surgeon's window: "Come in and pick your nose!"
- I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals. Or looking for loopholes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 01:23 PM:
Rated G
Prinderella and the Since (Dedicated to Catlover)
Here, indeed, is a story that'll make your cresh fleep. It will give you poose gimples. Think of a poor little glip of a surl, prairie vitty, who, just because she had to sisty uglers, had to flop the moar, clinkle the shuvvers out of the stitchen cove and do all the other chasty nores, while her soamly histers went to a drancy bess fall. Wasn't that a shirty dame?
Well, to make a long shorry stort, this youngless hapster was chewing her doors one day, when who should suddenly appear but a garry fawdmother. Beeling very fadly for this witty prafe, she happed her clands, said a couple of waggic merds, and in the ash of a flybrow, Cinderella* was transformed into a bavaging reauty. And out at the sturbcone stood a nagmificent coalden goach, made of a pipe rellow yumpkin. The gaudy fairmother told her to hop in and dive to the drance, but added that she must positively be mid by homelight. So, overmoash with accumtion, she fanked the tharry from the hottom of her bart, bimed acloard, the driver whacked his crip, and off they went in a dowd of clust.
Soon they came to a casterful wundel, where a pransome hince was possing a tarty for the teeple of the pown. Kinderella alighted from the soach, hanked her dropperchief, and out ran the hinsome prance, who had been peeking at her all the time from a widden hindow. The sugly isters stood bylently sigh, not sinderizing Reckognella in her goyal rarments.
Well, to make a long shorty still storer, the nince went absolutely pruts over the pruvvly lincess. After several dowers of antsing, he was ayzier than crevver. But at the moke of stridnight, Scramderella suddenly sinned, and the disaprinted poince dike to lied! He had forgotten to ask the nincess her prame! But as she went stunning down the long reps, she slicked off one of the glass kippers she was wearing, and the pounce princed upon it with eeming glize.
The next day he tied all over trown to find the lainty daydy whose foot slitted that fipper. And the ditty prame with the only fit that footed was none other than our layding leedy. So she finally prairied the mince, and they happed livily after everward.
by Colonel Stoopnagle
[From My Tale is Twisted! or, The Storal to this Mory. New York: M. S. Mill Co., Inc., 1946]
Parze pleedon me for nelling the spame in such a morrect cranner.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
Occupational Bumper Stickers!
Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
Archeologists will date any old thing
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them
Give Blood Play Hockey
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
I don't want to be a doctor because:
If I were a pathologist I'd be in a dead end job
If I were a biologist I'd be in jeans all the time.
Anesthesiology would put me to sleep
Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.
I can't stand podiatry.
I can't see myself as an ophthalmologist.
I'm too old to be a gerontologist.
I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.
But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me.
I'm told pediatrics is child's play!
I haven't got the heart to be a cardiologist.
And they'd see right thru me if I went into radiology.
And I really couldn't face it if I were a dermatologist.
I haven't got the spine to be a chiropractor.
I'm not cut out to be a surgeon.
If I weren't such a baby, I'd become a gynecologist.
It's been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.
I'd rather be a plumber than a urologist.
If I were a proctologist I'd have to look at assholes all day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:19 PM:
Rated G
Daffynitions!
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots.
Paradox \par'-uh-doks\: Two physicians.
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:26 PM:
Rated G
Debra Swaim, a California woman who admits she's addicted to the reality program "Fear Factor," finally has good reason for making such a claim: Swaim found herself stuck in her car sinking in a river that had flooded and overflowed its banks. Swaim said watching "Fear Factor" regularly taught her how to successfully escape the car as it filled with water. At a news conference detailing her ordeal, she told reporters about the incident, and then ate a handful of roasted cockroaches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2005, 03:28 PM:
Rated G
They have found, at the base of Mount Horeb, an ancient cave, unopened for three thousand years. Apparently this cavern was used by the Israelites to store and repair all the army's rolling stock. There were hundreds of vehicles in all stages of repair that will keep archaeologists busy for years.
On of the mysteries was a container holding dozens of pieces of parchment that were apparently made to be carried on an upright spear into battle. The parchments were rolled into separate groups and, when the language scholars deciphered them they fell into several distinct groups...each containing a similar set of words.
The group with the most banners was a thick one with the same words on each. These apparently proclaimed, "Shout Huzzah if you love Moses.
Another group had wording which showed the Israelites grasp of the calendar, as they said, "In the name of Cain, Celebrate National Brotherhood Week."
There were some that were apparently done to remind the people of the wrath of God, as they were printed with the slogan, "If you can see Sodom, you're too darned close."
The scholars were to find, on some, the concept of the mighty figures of the Bible, because many carried to the words, "I'm Elijah...my other chariot rolls."
It is amazing to find how safety minded the ancient people were. There were several banners which bore the writing, "Remember Goliath: support the ban on unlicensed slingshots."
Finally, to indicate how the Israelites revered their elders, they found many banners that simply said, "In the name of Methuselah -- be kind to senior citizens."
One of the translators suggested that these phrases would make wonderful bumper stickers for today's Israeli cars, but his idea was turned down as being too fanciful.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:18 PM:
Rated G Betsy
I believe in honesty and integrity. Someone asked me what I would do if I found $1 million in the street. If it belonged to a poor person, I'd give it back.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:25 PM:
Rated G
Signs You're Watching Too Much Football
10. Before lovemaking, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
9. You've been banned from the super market for spiking melons.
8. To feel closer to some of your favorite players,you tear the cartilage in your knee.
7. The kids bring home a good report card and you dump Gatorade on'em.
6. Most humans: 75% water, you: 75% chip dip.
5. During lovemaking, you use a play clock.
4. You'd pay good money to have Deion Sanders shovel off your driveway.
3. For the last two months, you've been wearing nothing but a cup.
2. You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
1. After lovemaking, you go for the 2-point conversion.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 04:37 PM:
Rated G
BLACK CATS
Black cats are considered very unlucky in the European and European-American traditions. Among Anglo-Saxons and Scandinavian people, it is said that if one sets out on a trip and a black cat crosses the road ahead, The only safe course of action is to turn back and return home.
Tales of shape-shifting black cats and black cats who are in com- munication with the Devil are also a feature of European folk-belief.
Concommitant with these negative feelings about black cats is the notion that they are particularly favoured as witches'-- hence they are always used on Halloween decorations throughout the world.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2005, 08:58 PM:
Rated G
If you want to learn more about paranoids, follow them around.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 09:23 AM:
Rated G Gerry
I went to the ballet last night and I saw girls dancing on their toes.
Why don't they just get taller girls?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2005, 09:34 AM:
Rated G
A California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about 30 minutes.
... They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 10:29 AM:
Rated G
Q: Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? A: They're so wrapped up in themselves...
Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? A: Bamboo.
Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries? A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: Why don't mummies take vacations? A: They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
Q: How do you fix a jack-o'-lantern? A: With a pumpkin patch.
Q: Why did the vampire give his girlfriend a blood test? A: To see if she was his type.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood? A: In law school...
Q: Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest? A: He was dead on his feet.
Q: What subject in school do witches like best? A: Spelling
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go trick or treating? A: He had no body to go with.
Q: Whom did the ghost invite to his party? A: Anyone he could dig up.
Q: Where do ghosts go shopping? A: In Boo-tiques.
Q: What do little ghosts drink? A: Evaporated milk.
Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast? A: Ghost toasties with booberries.
Q: What's soft, moldy and flies? A: A spoiled bat.
Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman? A: A dead ringer.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet? A: A holy terror.
Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf? A: You'd get a harewolf.
Q: How do you make a milkshake? A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell "Boo!"
Q:Why was the ghost arrested? A:Because it had no haunting license!!
Q: What did the ghost shake at the party? A: Her boooo-ty
Q. How did the monster like his eggs? A. Terri-fried.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 10:36 AM:
Rated R
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"
The Cowboy says "Well it's like this, Sheriff.. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... And here I am.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2005, 09:16 PM:
Rated G
Heard on WCBS radio, New York:
A blind man was arrested for "driving without a license" after the car he was driving crashed into a tree. He explained to police that this was the fulfillment of one of his "lifelong dreams:" to drive an automobile.
Apparently he had fulfilled another of his lifelong dreams the preceding weekend: to play outfield for the New York Yankees.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 08:22 AM:
Rated G
REJECTED CRAYON COLOR NAMES
Clumsy Black And Blue
I Just Got My Blood Drawn Gray
Saw Grandpa's Ghost Wet Spot Yellow
Three Months In Back Of Fridge Fuzzy White
Red Shirt In The White Laundry Pink
Hurricane Blew
Furball Beige
Stayed On The Beach Too Long Red
Oil Spill Black
Boy Am I Embarrassed Is My Face Red?
Two Month Old Pumpkin
Old Hippy Hair Gray
Frostbite Black
Something The Dog Ate Brown
Don't It Make Your Brown Eyes Blue
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 08:24 AM:
Rated G
GROANERS
Aspirin goes a long way back. I read in the Bible the other day that Moses took two tablets.
I bought a book about centipedes. It was mostly footnotes.
Did I tell you about the Hollywood chicken? It crossed the road to see Gregory Peck.
Then there was the seamstress who lost her cat. She let it out.
Is a sleeping bag a nap sack?
If you cross a chicken with a cow will you get roost beef?
Finally, there was the clumsy bee who came down with a cold. As determined as ever, however, the bee gathered its pollen, only to drop it time and time again, so it had to visit quite a few flowers before it was able to hold on to the pollen. Sadly, though, it spread its illness to every single flower. That became known as the blight of the fumble bee.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2005, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
What do you get when you goose a ghost??
* A hand full of sheet *
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-02-2005, 05:17 PM:
Rated G.....
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates, "Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip
to the black hills of South Dakota , I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose
ring and threw it on the ground."
"Then I yelled, ' Now back off biker boy or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 11:39 AM:
Rated G
A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.
"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."
A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 11:55 AM:
Rated G
Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"No hablo ingles."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 11:57 AM:
Rated G
Middle age is when you know your way around but don't feel like going!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:05 PM:
Rated G
"I like everything about fall. For example, I like Oktober- fest. On my way to work my cab driver had pretzels in his turban."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-03-2005, 12:07 PM:
Rated G
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.
My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
"I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.
"Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"
"Autumn," he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 08:11 AM:
Rated G
One Liners
Marriage is like a tango... it takes two, and occasionally one has to bend over backward to keep the dance going.
There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 08:20 AM:
Rated G
Happiness?
A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman, or a bad woman.
It depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 08:26 AM:
Rated G Nancye
WINNERS ARE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
Winners take chances. Like everyone else, they fear failing, but they refuse to let fear control them.
Winners don't give up. When life gets rough, they hang in until the going gets better.
Winners are flexible. They realize there is more than one way and are willing to try others.
Winners know they are not perfect. They respect their weaknesses while making the most of their strengths.
Winners fall, but they don't stay down. They stubbornly refuse to let a fall keep them from climbing.
Winners don't blame fate for their failures nor luck for their successes.
Winners accept responsibility for their lives.
Winners are positive thinkers who see good in all things... from the ordinary, they make the extraordinary.
Winners believe in the path they have chosen even when it's hard, even when others can't see where they are going,
Winners are patient. They know a goal is only as worthy as the effort that's required to achieve it.
Winners are people like you. They make this world a better place to be.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 12:30 PM:
Rated G
Getting Older
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 12:34 PM:
Rated G Robert Fulghum
ALL I EVER NEEDED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
These are the things I learned - Share everything * Play fair * Don't hit people * Put things back where you found them * Clean up your own mess * Don't take things that aren't yours * Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody * Wash your hands before you eat * Flush * Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you * Live a balanced life * Learn some and think and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some.
Take a nap every afternoon * When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together * Be aware of wonder * Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup---they die. So do we.
And then remember the book and Dick and Jane and the first word you learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and life and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living.
Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 01:36 PM:
Rated G
Two men are occupying booths in a public restroom, when one calls to the other,
"There is no toilet paper over here--do you have any over there?"
The second man replies, "No, sorry, I don't seem to have any, either."
The first man then asks, "Well, do you have a magazine or newspaper?"
The second man says, "No, sorry!"
The first man pauses, then inquires, "Do you have change for a twenty?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 01:41 PM:
Rated G Peter
MATTER OF COMMUNICATION
There was a nice lady who was a little old fashioned. She was considering a week's vacation in sunny Florida at a particular campground, but she wanted to make sure of the accommodations first.
Uppermost in her mind were toilet facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so she rewrote the letter to the campground, and referred to the "bathroom commode" as the "B.C.."
"Does the campground have its own B. C.?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several people at the campground, but they couldn't decipher it either. Finally, the campground owner concluded that she must be referring to the local Baptist Church, so he sat down and responded:
"Dear Madam:
"I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a full day of it. They arrive early and stay late!
"The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the entire time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. The supper is going to be held in the basement of the BC.
"I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely from no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather!
"If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you to the BC the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. REMEMBER, WE ARE WIDELY KNOWN AS A FRIENDLY COMMUNITY, SO COME ON DOWN AND WE'LL ALL ENJOY THE BC TOGETHER!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-04-2005, 01:49 PM:
Rated R
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 09:35 AM:
Rated G
How do you know you're living in Tennessee?
You get married for the third time and have the same in-laws.
"My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you."
Emmett Fitz-Hume (Chevy Chase) Spies Like Us
"You shouldn't put down a loser, Cindy...because you might be one yourself someday."
Carol Brady, The Brady Bunch
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-06-2005, 05:01 PM:
Rated G
The Moore family was proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards, and a few major league baseball players and Army generals.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children.
They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.
But the author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.
When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George.
There, they read, "George Moore occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties.
His death came as a real shock."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 11:48 AM:
Rated G
Just when the fields had started to dry up, we had another downpour.
When I asked one farmer how he liked the rain, he patted his portly girth and said, "It was a lot like that second piece of pie--it sure was nice, but I just didn't need it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 12:09 PM:
Rated G Tiggy
The 21st Century.. How true is this???
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - GODless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Clueless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less:D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 12:13 PM:
Rated PG
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
10.Your car horn goes off accidentally & remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
11.Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
12.Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
13.The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
14.You wake up and your braces are locked together.
15.You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
16.You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
17.Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
18.Your income check bounces.
19.You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
20.Your pet rock snaps at you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-07-2005, 12:19 PM:
Rated G
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."
"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-Me-Not," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as Big Chief Forget-Me-Not because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this in and, as he was waiting for his cab, decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'Ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed.
He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-Me-Not's great memory.
One local noted to him that "How" was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than "'Ello mate."
On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see Big Chief Forget-Me-Not still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.
"How!" said the Aussie.
"Scrambled," said the chief.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:28 AM:
Rated g Gerry
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:29 AM:
Rated G Gerry
The word "aerobics" came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it 'jumping up and down.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:30 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Getting older, everything gets worse; except forgetfulness... That gets better.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:32 AM:
Rated PG
"Gas prices are affecting my sex life. With prices over $2 a gallon, I only date women in a 5-gallon radius."
--Paul Rodriguez
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-08-2005, 11:44 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Ruth rode upon my motor bike, directly back of me. I hit a bump at 95, and rode on Ruthlessly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the accountant with insomnia?
He decided to try counting sheep, but he made a mistake and was up all night trying to find it!
!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:44 AM:
Rated G
A man was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow for two to pass.
The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the man stepped aside and said, "I always do."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:46 AM:
Rated G Steve
SIGN AT AN AUTO REPAIR SERVICE:
Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2005, 10:47 AM:
Rated G
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOSER WHEN...
1. Your ship comes in and you're at the train station.
2. Your talking mynah bird says, "Who asked you?"
3. Your twin forgets your birthday.
4. Your parents attend PTA meeting under an assumed name.
5. Your answering machine hangs up on you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 11:11 AM:
Rated G
TEEN POVERTY IN AMERICA
After spending several hours observing teenagers hanging out at our local mall I came to the conclusion that many teenagers in America today are living in dire poverty. Most young men, I observed, didn't even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.
But that wasn't the sad part. Many were wearing their daddies' jeans. Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips, exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees.
They weren't even their daddies' good jeans, for most had holes ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them. It grieved me that in a modern, affluent society like America, there are people who can't afford a decent pair of jeans. I was thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for "poor kids at the mall." Then on Christmas Eve, we could go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.
But here is the saddest part..... it was the girls the boys were hanging out with that disturbed me most. I've never, in all of my life, seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their little sisters' clothes.
Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small! I don't know how they could put them on, let alone button them up. Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their little sister's top; it hardly covered their midsections. Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children's clothes.
That's not all. What I first thought were the shortest of shorts turned out to be skirts. It was not until I realized these poor skirted creatures were all showing off their panties that their plight really struck home. It was their underwear that bothered me most. I never saw anything like it. It looked like their underwear was held together only by a single piece of string. That string was in the back and their entire rear end was showing. They couldn't bend over, sit down, or hardly move without their underwear being fully visible. It was truly a disheartening sight.
I know it saddens your heart to receive this report on the condition of our American teenagers. While I go to bed every night with a closet full of clothes nearby, there are millions of "mall girls" who barely have enough material to keep it together. I think their "poorness" is why these 2 groups gather at the mall, boys with their short daddies' ripped jeans, and girls wearing their younger sisters' clothes and underwear that doesn't cover all that needs to be covered. The mall is one place where they can find acceptance.
So, next time you are at the mall doing your shopping, and you pass by some of these poor teenagers, would you say a prayer for them? And one more thing, will you pray the guys' pants won't fall down, and the girls' strings won't break?
I thank you all,
Concerned!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-11-2005, 01:31 PM:
Rated PG
You're so poor..============= You can't afford to pay attention.
A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
Your parents got married for the rice.
I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."
Someone rang your doorbell and you had to yell "Ding Dong!" out the window.
When someone asks where the bathroom is, your mom says "pick a corner... any corner."
You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex. Burglars bring things to you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2005, 09:29 PM:
Rated G
My family moved into a beautiful old house. Its redbrick walls were covered with a mass of ivy and Virginia creeper, which housed a multitude of swallows, sparrows and house martins.
The first spring we were there, however, it became evident that all the birds were taking their toll on our clean windows. Mother called a window cleaner.
When he arrived, he was undoubtedly startled by her greeting:
"Oh, I'm so glad to see you! It's mating season, you know.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2005, 09:42 PM:
Rated G
"Did you all see that cruise ship on the news that was attacked by pirates? Wasn't that something? They fired a cannon at it, they fired machine guns at it.
..look, I know Kathie Lee is annoying but that seems a little harsh." --Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-13-2005, 09:43 PM:
Rated G
"Every election I go to the polling place with my Uncle Earl. He went into the booth first and I was in line behind him. I'm sitting there waiting and waiting and finally I hear, "The damn thing won't flush!"
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 08:45 AM:
Rated G
Happiness is like a butterfly...
The more you pursue it, the more it will elude. When you learn to be patient and still. It will fly over and land on your shoulder.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:00 AM:
Rated G
SICKOS
What do beekeepers get? HIVES.
What do airline pilots get? FLU.
What do computer geeks get? SLIPPED DISCS.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? MISSLE TOE.
What do firefighters get? WATER ON THE KNEE.
What do workers at McDonald's get? FALLEN ARCHES.
What do carpenters get? SHINGLES.
What do spies get? SEE-SICKNESS.
What do basketball players get? HOOPING COUGH.
What do watchmakers get? ALL WOUND UP!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:01 AM:
Rated G
Patti: Why is that dachshund sitting in the sun?
Richard: Because his owners like hot dogs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:36 AM:
Rated G
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make ME happy.
A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free gift?" Aren't all gifts free?
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
What's another word for thesaurus?
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If you want to make a woman nervous, just put her in a room with a hundred hats and no mirror.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:38 AM:
Rated G
Immutable Laws (which cannot be avoided)
When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)
When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney’s Second Corollary)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances.(Einstein’s Law of Persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.(Principle of Dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you’ve been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)
Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring.(Law of Oh my gawd)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.(Law of Oh,golly gee!)"
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway."(Theory of Absolute Certainty)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:41 AM:
Rated G
Q: What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
A: A pool table.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet!
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ............you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON .........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 01:02 PM:
Rated G
"We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics."
--Bill Vaughan
"The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey."
--Andy Warhol
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2005, 01:06 PM:
Rated G
The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Marge?" she asked.
Marge told her that she had "morning sickness."
Surprised the neighbor said, "I didn't even know you were pregnant."
"I'm not," the harried young woman replied. "I'm just damn sick of mornings!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:29 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A man was appalled when he sat down to pay his family's February bills. "I guess I've just encountered the ghost of Christmas past," he mused.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:37 AM:
Rated G Quirk
I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:41 AM:
Rated G popo
My dog is so lazy that he waits for another one to bark and then just nods his head!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:42 AM:
Rated G
Tidbit of Wit
Why is it that the best neighbors in the world are always the ones who just moved away?
BUMPER STICKERS: "I know what you're thinking... Shame on you!!"
Analogy found in High School paper. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:52 AM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the new principal who's been keeping the boys on their toes?
He raised all the urinals six inches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 11:53 AM:
Rated G
"A train smasked into my bicycle, and I didn't even get hurt."
"Why not?"
"My brother Dave was riding it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 12:11 PM:
Rated G
We were in an unfamiliar town, had only ten minutes until the funeral we had come to attend was to begin and had no idea where the home was.
My husband dashed into a lumberyard to ask for directions, and one man volunteered to lead us there.
As we pulled in behind his car, we knew we had the right guide: His licence plate read, NOS ALL.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 12:23 PM:
Rated G
HOW'S BUSINESS?
Astronomer: It's looking up.
Submarine pilot: It has its ups an downs.
Oil rigger: Boring.
Tree doctor: Knot Two Bad.
Carpenter: It's leveling off.
Surgeon: I always get a lot out of my patients.
Roofer: Customer are sliding off.
Boat racer: Sails are dropping.
Minister: Prophets are increasingly read.
Farmer: The field keeps growing.
Air traffic controller: Can't come, plane!
Model: The figures aren't all in yet.
Aerobics instructor: I'm reducing the bottom line.
Beekeeper: Business in humming.
Car mechanic: Planning to re-tire.
Pizza chef: Making dough hand over fist.
Miner: Roughly carving out a living.
Highway worker: A bit bumpy.
Ballet dancer: Keeps me on my toes.
Teacher: Sorry, but that's classified information!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2005, 12:53 PM:
Rated G Maggie
Yesterday is a cancelled check; tomorrow is a promissory note; today is the only cash you have, so make sure you spend it wisely.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2005, 12:32 PM:
Rated G
Try not to see what no one else has seen, but to think thoughts about things everyone sees.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2005, 12:47 PM:
Rated G
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:03 PM:
Rated G Gerry
I don't see the purpose of cats. Dogs can protect you, can sniff out things, and can be your eyes if you're blind.
Could you imagine a seeing-eye cat? The first person who walks by with an untied shoelace, and you're history.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Alex
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently I was rereading it.
It said: "Day one: Still tired from the move.
Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
BE YOURSELF
Ever since I was a little kid, I didn't want to be me. I wanted to be like Billy Widdledon, and Billy Widdledon didn't even like me. I walked like he walked; I talked like he talked; and I signed up for the high school he signed up for.
Which was why Billy Widdledon changed. He began to hang around Herby Vandeman; he walked like Herby Vandeman; he talked like Herby Vandeman. He mixed me up! I began to walk and talk like Billy Widdledon, who was walking and talking like Herby Vandeman.
And then it dawned on me that Herby Vandeman walked and talked like Joey Haverlin. And Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson.
So here I am walking and talking like Billy Widdledon's imitation of Herby Vandeman's version of Joey Haverlin, trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking and talking like? Of all people, Dopey Wellington - that little pest who walks and talks like me!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:26 PM:
Rated G
When do you see a "Blue Moon"?
When a Smurf drops his pants!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 12:37 PM:
Rated G
What is a clock?
....A non-alcoholic eye opener.
....A device that enables men to rise in the morning.
....Something that gets abused when it does its duty.
....Something that scares the daylights out of you.
....A small mechanical device to wake up people who don't have children.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 03:26 PM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. CA
An Old Farmer's Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometime s you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-17-2005, 04:18 PM:
Rated G
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the Emcee that he desired a question on American History.
The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen.
The Emcee stepped up to the mike. "Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer.
Are you ready?"
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence - the crowd went nuts.
He hadn't missed a question all week. "Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"
Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.
"I'll try the second part first."
The Emcee nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."
The audience silenced with gross anticipation... "Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 02:49 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Feminists miss the big picture. They want us to be concerned about the fact that Barbie, if she were a real woman, would have no internal organs because her waist is too small. I say, Barbie's got nothing to complain about in the missing organ departmant, compared to Ken."
--Cathryn Michon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Some guy broke into our house last week. He didn't even take the TV. He just took the remote control. Now he drives by and changes channels on us.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:00 PM:
Rated G
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins."
~~ Mark Twain
"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."
~~Mark Twain
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:04 PM:
Rated G
Three men appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He asked the first man, "What was your annual salary?" "$500,000," the first man replied. "I was a trial attorney."
Saint Peter asked the same question of the second man. "$200,000," the second man replied. "I sold real estate."
Saint Peter then asked the third man the same question. The third man's answer was $5,000." Saint Peter said, "Cool! What instrument did you play?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:09 PM:
Rated G B.B.
SIGN IN A WEIGHT LOSS OFFICE: 'See you lighter.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:19 PM:
Rated G
"You usually know who's going to win pro-wrestling--the guy with the best nickname. Here, from Philadelphia, comes the iron man, Mike 'The Hammer' Armstrong, and his opponent, all the way from Scranton...Eugene!"
--Dan Wilson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 03:34 PM:
Rated G
THIS KIND OF STUFF HAS GOT TO STOP IN OUR COUNTRY.
We Must Stop This Immediately!
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection...Well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-18-2005, 04:01 PM:
Rated G
Some Thoughts at Your Job
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
I have a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-19-2005, 09:40 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For those of you who just thought you knew everything,here's a refresher course...
****
The liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute for
blood plasma.
***
No piece of paper can be folded in half
more than seven (7) times.
***
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes.
***
You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
***
Oak trees do not produce acorns
until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
***
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
***
The king of hearts is the only king
without a mustache.
***
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987
by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
***
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what
does this tell you!)
***
Apples, not caffeine,
are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
***
Most dust particles in your house are made from
dead skin.
***
The first owner of the Marlboro Company
died of lung cancer.
So did the first "MarlboroMan."
***
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
***
Pearls melt in vinegar.
***
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
***
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...
but not downstairs.
***
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
***
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush
be kept at least six (6) feet away from
a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
***
Richard Millhouse Nixon
was the first U.S. president
whose name contains all the letters
from the word "criminal."
The second ?
William Jefferson Clinton
(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)
And the best for last.....
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that;don't YOU?)
Now you know everything there is to know. Of importance, that is !!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 06:40 AM:
Rated B for Beer B.B.
Sing for Beer
DOH - The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY - The guy who sells me beer.
ME - The guys who drinks the beer.
FAR - A long way to get beer.
SO - I'll have another beer.
LA - I'll have another beer.
TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer.
and that brings me back to DOH! ![[beer]](graemlins/beer.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 06:40 AM:
Rated B for Beer B.B.
Sing for Beer
DOH - The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY - The guy who sells me beer.
ME - The guys who drinks the beer.
FAR - A long way to get beer.
SO - I'll have another beer.
LA - I'll have another beer.
TEA - No thanks I'm drinking beer.
and that brings me back to DOH!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 09:57 AM:
Rated G
"Here's some sad news. Martha Stewart's "Apprentice" show has been cancelled. It's the same old story...hard to get a job when you're an ex-con."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 09:59 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Twenty-year-olds think that those in their forties are middle age; forty-year-olds think that folks in their sixties are middle age; sixty-year-olds wonder what all the fuss is about.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:07 AM:
Rated G
Confined to bed with his world reduced to his bedroom window, my husband followed our neighbor's progress painting his house. One day Ben noticed that a spot had been missed.
He told me and I relayed the message.
The area was fixed, and from then on until the entire house had been painted, our neighbor daily painted a greeting to my husband on the side of his house.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:17 AM:
Rated G
Cats Favorite Christmas Songs
1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:34 AM:
Rated G ![[Frown]](frown.gif)
Gerry
I have heard women say they can judge how a guy will be in bed from how he dances. I hope that's not true. Because I come from rednecks, and my people invented square dancing. Which means we're so bad at it, we have to have someone tell us what to do, as we're doing it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 10:45 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Skywriting
One clear autumn day, my daughter and I were watching skywriters advertise the opening of a new store in our area. Five planes, flying in perfect formation, spelled out the name, then flew out of sight.
Right behind was another plane, flying alone. "What's that plane doing?" my daughter asked.
Tongue firmly in cheek, I replied, "Spell check."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 12:01 PM:
Rated G
Laws of Life:
When one wishes to unlock a door but has only has one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von fumbles law)
A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale law of destiny)
When ones hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of ichiban)
Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance so sorry law)
When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny awaits law)
If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem (law of gravitas)
Most problems are not created nor solved, they only change appearances. (Einstein's law of persistence)
You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of dingaling)
Whenever one wants to connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)
If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of wasteland)
The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of pi eyed)
The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell scoop)
Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of ogolly gee!)"
Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo.(The donking principle)
After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of fatal irreversibility)
Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of de lay)
Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway." (Theory of absolute certainty)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-21-2005, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
For those sarcastic moments...
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be...?
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 01:49 PM:
Rated G
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpecded become the expected?
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 01:55 PM:
Rated PG
"Russia announced that due to a lack of animal feed they're feeding their cows confiscated marijuana. They have over 20 tons of it and they are feeding it to the cows.
Do you think that's a good idea? Giving their cows marijuana?
It's only been a week and already some cows have moved up to crack. In fact, three of them knocked off a seven eleven in Leningrad."
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-22-2005, 03:55 PM:
Rated G Bob
Real and Interesting Newspaper ADs:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighboor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepard, part stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPARD 85Lbs, Neutered:speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED: Also one gay calf for sale.
NORDIC TRACK: $300.00 Hardly used, Call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - .89 a pound
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 10:00 AM:
Rated G
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 01:16 PM:
Rated G
Returning home on the commuter train after work, my husband and two colleagues occupied three of the spaces in the pairs of seats facing each other, while in the fourth was a stranger.
My husband was telling his friends a long story, but they constantly interrupted him.
After some time, the stranger turned to one of the men and in a frustrated tone said: "Will you please let him finish his story. I have to get off at the next station."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2005, 03:29 PM:
Rated G
THE CLOSET DOOR
A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man.
The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"
Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
Live life to the full and enjoy every day.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2005, 11:03 AM:
Rated G
"I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago ... I shot my broker."
-- Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-27-2005, 11:13 AM:
Rated G
It was fun being a baby boomer till now. Some of the artists of the 60s/70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the aging baby boomers. They include:
1. Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
2. The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
3. Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
4. Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
5.Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
6.Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
7. Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
8. Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
9.Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
10. Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade o f Hair
11. Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
12. The Temptations - Papa's Got a brand new Kidney Stone
13. Abba - Denture Queen
14. Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall
15. Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
16. Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
17. Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2005, 02:44 PM:
Rated G
One snowy evening in a restaurant parking lot, I was busily brushing off my car.
Suddenly an attractive young lady appeared and began to help. When I asked the reason for my good fortune, she replied, "I want your parking space."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2005, 05:53 PM:
Rated G
THINGS YOU DO IN RETIREMENT
Q: What most amazes new retirees? A: They're so busy now, they don't know how they ever had time for work.
Q: Why don't retirees protest the stereotype that says they're either hyperactive or always napping? A: They're either too busy to care what other people say, or they're asleep.
Q: What's the retiree's favorite bumper sticker? A: "Go ahead and pass me. What do I care?"
Q: Just how much free time does a retiree have? A: Enough actually to stay on the line until his/her call to the HMO, government agency, or computer help line is answered by a human being
Q: What do retirees call a long lunch? A: Normal.
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime? A: Three hours after falling asleep on the sofa watching TV.
Q: Why don't retiree's mind being called "senior citizen." A: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q: Why do retirees hate holidays? A: There are too many workers with the day off cluttering up stores and movie theaters.
Q: What's the best way to describe retirement? A: The coffee break that never ends.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-30-2005, 11:46 AM:
Rated G
SIGNS DIETING HAS TAKEN OVER YOUR LIFE
You just paid $5 for a bottle of water because the label said "low carb."
You make your wife wear low calorie lipstick.
You spend more time calculating carbs, calories and fat for your next meal than you did preparing your income tax return.
You walked past a bakery and punished yourself with two hours on the StairMaster just for window shopping.
You can't remember your anniversary, your phone number, or your PIN, but you know the exact carb and calorie count of everything edible in your house.
You wonder how many calories are in the communion wafers.
Dessert is toothpaste.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2005, 12:11 PM:
Rated G
IF THEY WROTE CHILDREN'S BOOKS ABOUT the INTERNET...
"One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Screen of Death"
"The Blog of Anne Frank"
"How the Grinch Stole Your Credit Card Information"
"Green Eggs and Spam"
"The Little Search Engine That Could"
"Curious George and Parental Controls"
"Horton Hears A Hacker"
"Charlotte's Web"
"Frog and Toad Are Dot Com Startups"
"Where the Wild Viruses Are"
"Mary Pop Uppins"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-01-2005, 08:30 PM:
Rated G
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
--Erma Bombeck
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-03-2005, 07:09 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora Ont. CA
SIGN'S OF OUR TIMES
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
***************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
****************************************
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
*******************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:18 PM:
Rated G
Where Does That Time Go?
Seven years in a bathroom.
Six years eating.
Five years waiting in line.
Four years cleaning house.
Three years preparing meals.
Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them.
One year searching for misplaced things.
Eight months opening junk mail.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 12:32 PM:
Rated G Popo
The Middle-Aged Teapot Song:
I'm a middle-aged man, short and stout.
Here is my beer gut, here is my pouch.
When I get all steamed up, hear me shout:
"Where's my remote? It was on the couch!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-04-2005, 07:28 PM:
Rated PG
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
Here are some of the selected results.
-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
-- Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
-- Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
-- Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
-- Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
-- Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
-- Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with 'Yiddishisms'.
-- Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 06:38 AM:
Rated G
The temperance speaker had drawn a lurid picture of the misery to which alcohol would lead its devotees. No extreme had been unexplained, and finally the speaker lifted both hands to heaven and cried out, "So I ask you, ladies and gentlemen, what under the sun is so unbearable as drink? What on earth can make you as miserable as drink?"
And from the rear of the crowd came the loud retort, "Thirst!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 10:06 AM:
Rated G
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: That would have been the Titanic, right?"
St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn't really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder.
"How many people died on the ship?" The garbage man guessed 1,228 to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead.
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2005, 02:08 PM:
Rated G
Travelling home alone, I had to stand on the crowded bus.
I was gazing out the window when all of a sudden, I saw my grandmother pull up beside the bus. I was so surprised to see her that I blurted out, "Hey, that's my grandmother!"
I was embarrassed to realize I had spoken out loud, until the stranger next to me looked out the window, then turned to me.
"Yes," he said, "I thought I recognized her."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 06:55 AM:
Rated G
After she divorced actor Louis Calhern, actress/writer Ilka Chase found a box of her old calling cards engraved "Mrs Louis Calhern." No longer needing them, she immediately sent them to Calhern's new wife, Julia Holt.
"Dear Julia," Chase wrote cattily, " I hope these reach you in time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 06:58 AM:
Rated G
First Scientist: I discovered the perfect cure for dandruff.
Second Scientist: What is it?
First Scientist: Baldness.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 07:00 AM:
Rated G Spaz
If there is light in the soul, There will be beauty in the person. If there is beauty in the person, There will be harmony in the house. If there is harmony in the house, There will be order in the nation. If there is order in the nation, There will be peace in the world.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2005, 07:10 AM:
Rated G
The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed. The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was perhaps six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear", carefully spelling the key word.
Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:14 AM:
Rated G
My friend Yolanda, her husband, Clarence, and her mother were on a shopping tour of Hong Kong.
There was a microwave oven on a shelf over the refrigerator in their hotel room, so they bought some muffins to eat for breakfast the next morning.
Yolanda opened the microwave, put the muffins inside, closed the door and pushed the button. Nothing happened.
So Clarence picked up the booklet next to the microwave and began reading the instructions out loud.
Again Yolanda pushed the correct button, but nothing happened. Clarence picked up the booklet again and realized suddenly that no matter how many times they pushed the button, the microwave wasn't going to work.
The safe now protectively held their muffins.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:26 AM:
Rated G
"I was always taught to respect my elders. But it's getting harder and harder to find one."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:28 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Words of Wisdom
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Trust everybody . . . then cut the cards.
Summer must be over. My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.
It's good to question authority, but not mine.
Love doesn't really make the world go round, but it makes the ride worthwhile.
The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
Even at a Mensa convention, someone is the dumbest person in the room.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:38 AM:
Rated G
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions.
The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile.
None of these attempts worked. Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation.
He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?"
No more problem.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:43 AM:
Rated G
Never take a blind date to a silent film.
Geoffrey Parfitt
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:54 AM:
Rated G Popo
Antidepressant drugs are prescribed in Utah more often than in any other state, at a rate nearly twice the national average, according to the Utah Psychiatric Association...... more wives - more antidepressants... coincidence?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 09:57 AM:
Rated R Popo
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose? You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy!, are you sure this is how to learn to swim? Shut up son and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! The milk man's here. Have you got the money or do you want me to go out and play?
Mommy, Mommy!, can I lick the bowl? Shut up son and flush the toilet like all the other kids.
Mommy, Mommy ! When is the pool going to be ready? Shut up son and keep spitting.
Mommy, Mommy!, why are we pushing the car over the cliff? Shut up son or you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy!, the kids at school call me a werewolf! Shut up son and go brush your face.
Mommy, Mommy!, how far is America? Shut up son and keep rowing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire! Shut up son and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy!, Daddy's going out! Shut up son and pour some more gas on him.
Mommy, Mommy!, why do other kids tell me I have a big head? Don't worry about them son. Now take your cap and go get me 15 lbs. of potatoes at the corner store.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls! Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big! Shut up son and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a delinquent child? Shut up son and light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal the cards.
Mommy, Mommy!, I don't want to go to China! Shut up son and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy!, why is Daddy running so fast? Shut up son and reload.
Mommy, Mommy!, can I wear a bra now? I'm 14! Shut up Stanley.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox? Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
[ 12-08-2005, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 02:25 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Eating Chocolate
Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 02:44 PM:
Rated XXX or D for Disgusting ![[puke]](graemlins/puke.gif)
Denny in Yonkers
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it.
We've all kicked back in our cubicles (or offices) and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.If there are others in the bathroom,leave and come back again.Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen.If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:(pay particular attention to this, please) The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist...... can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors.Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work.If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall.This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall.This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion.See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water..... often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper,as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 04:22 PM:
Rated G
A man stopped his car to ask for directions.
Excuse me, Sir. What's the quickest way to town?"
"Are you walking or driving?" asked the local man.
"I'm driving."
"Oh! well, ok, that's the quickest way!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-08-2005, 04:29 PM:
Rated G
New York City now has a major rat problem. You have no idea how big these rats are until you go to Central Park and take a ride in one of our Rat drawn carriages."
~~David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2005, 09:31 PM:
Rated G Definition
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with excellent vocabulary.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2005, 09:39 PM:
Rated G Anonymous Author
The eight nations with artic territory have agreed to implement serious policies to keep temperatures cool enough to avoid further melting of the polar ice caps. The first measure is to make Martha Stewart their new queen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2005, 09:44 PM:
Rated G Maggie
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, it's at the end of your arm. As you get older, remember you have another hand: The first is to help yourself, the second is to help others.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:23 AM:
Rated G
Real Signs...
Vanity Plates seen on a Mercedes Benz in California . . . WAS HIS
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills . . . Making the last car payment.
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.
Quote from the boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.
Measure wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum. "D
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Cutie
Did you realize that if 3M and Goodyear ever merged they cold call themselves MMMGood?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:32 AM:
Rated G
A man is racing to the bathroom, a second man is leaving it, and a third man is still inside. Can you guess their nationalities?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Russian, Finnish, and European.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2005, 07:39 AM:
Rated G
"My brother made a right turn from the left lane and crashed into another car. The other driver jumped out and yelled at my brother. Why didn't you signal? he asked."
"What did your brother say?" "He said, 'Why, should I signal? I always turn here.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 07:44 PM:
Rated G
PRODUCTS WE COULD DO WITHOUT
Fingernail Clippers: That's why we have teeth.
Makeup That is Tattooed on: You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
Colored Elastics For Braces: As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough. (They also have glow in the dark bands just in case having your underwear stand out under a black light isn't enough for you)
Inflatable Furniture: Nothing boosts the ego more than sitting on a couch and popping it.
Crayons That Smell: Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
Fake Eyelashes: You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers: Kleenex does not get chilly.
Rubber Clothing: Because you shouldn't bounce if you fall down the stairs.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 07:46 PM:
Rated G
Oneliners...
If a nickel knew what it is worth today, it would feel like two cents.
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the 5 senses do not work.
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
Buffet is a French term, It means "get up and get it yourself."
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
If people talk behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead.
Why is the National Guard in Iraq and the Army in New Orleans?
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
Time isn't on my side. It's on my back.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 07:57 PM:
Rated G
"How To install a Poor Man's Security System"
1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ...a really big pair.
2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
3. Put a dog dish beside it... a really BIG dog dish.
4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, BIG Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition...back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls; they are already upset."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2005, 08:01 PM:
Rated G
One night a man - who was in no shape to drive - wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the road, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." the man said.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2005, 12:19 PM:
Rated G
You Know You're Getting Old When...
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
You answer a question with "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word equity means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 08:22 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall but winter doesn't look too promising.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 12:00 PM:
Rated G
Down below One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.
He noticed a guy at the same depth, but with no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, and the guy joined him a moment later.
The diver went down even farther and the same guy was right behind him.
The confused diver took out out his waterproof chalkboard and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you freakin moron...!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2005, 07:47 PM:
Rated G
Signs of the times:
Apartment sign: “No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby.”
Atheist Not: “Thank God I’m an atheist!”
Auto Junk Yard (New Jersey): “We have Japanese auto parts.”
Auto Repair Service Station: “Try us once - you'll never go anywhere else again.”
Awning Manufacturer’s Door: “Just a shade better.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 08:56 AM:
Rated G
Faith is kind of like jumping out of an airplane at 10,000 feet. If God doesn't catch you, you splatter. But how do you know whether or not he's going to catch you unless you jump out?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 08:58 AM:
Rated G
"NBC announced today that some of its shows will be available on iTunes for a $1.99. That's right if you sit through the show you will be paid $1.99."
--Conan O'Brien
"The U.S. Postal Service says they expect to handle twenty billion pieces of mail for the holidays. They'll only deliver about ten billion, but they'll handle twenty billion."
--Jay Leno
"My son Harry turned two years old today! He now has a full head of hair. He no longer wets his pants. I am so jealous. It's still hard to believe I have a son. It's still hard for him to believe I'm not his grandpa."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 09:20 AM:
Rated G
Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat"?
"No, not to Stevie Wonder."
"Does this tie make me look stupid?"
"No hablo Ingles."
"If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-14-2005, 09:28 AM:
Rated G
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
--Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2005, 10:16 AM:
Rated G Gerry
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2005, 10:22 AM:
Rated G
In 1815 French chemist Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar... ...It was also the first step in realizing he had WAY too much time on his hands.
-- (Isaac Asimov's BOOK OF FACTS)
"Thanks to the invention of the telescope, planets that are 100 billion miles away look to be only 50 billion miles away."
--John Wagner
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say that, and she said, 'Because I'm your father.'
--Dave George
"I believe blind people can fall in love, too, so I don't believe in love at first sight."
--Ashton Kutcher, actor
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
---Jerry Garcia - Grateful Dead
"There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for Walter O'Malley. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me. That's the way it is - we go through life doing nothing for each other."
--Gene Autry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2005, 01:08 PM:
Rated G
The Procrastinators Creed:
1.I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2.I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3.I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5.I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6.I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7.I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8.If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9.I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10.I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11.I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12.I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13.I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14.I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two- Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-15-2005, 01:18 PM:
Rated G
STUPID PRODUCTS LABELS:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
12. On a bar of Dial soap DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
15. On a Korean kitchen knife WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
17. On a Japanese food processor NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
20. On a Swedish chainsaw DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
21. On a child's superman costume WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
22. On some frozen dinners SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nytol sleep aid WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 07:51 AM:
Rated G Elaine
Stephen King writes some scary books. He's coming out with the scariest book he ever wrote, A Husband with a Mind of Its Own. Don't get scared, ladies. It's just a fantasy; it will never happen.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 08:01 AM:
Rated G Gerry
I told someone I was getting married and they said, "Have you picked out a date yet?
I said, "Wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding? What a country!"
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 08:03 AM:
Rated PG
"The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness."
Dennis Miller
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2005, 09:30 AM:
Rated G
A car with two city men in it worked its way down the country road and passed a tumbledown shack with a stubble-faced farmer on the front porch. It had been a dull day and the driver felt he could use just a little fun, so he stopped the car and said, "Hey, mister, can you change an eighteen-dollar bill?"
The farmer nodded. "Sure thing, but I have to go inside to get the money." With that, he disappeared inside.
The driver's companion said, "What are you planning to do?"
"I'm giving him a ten," snickered the driver. "I'll mark up the zeros to look like eights. He'll never know the difference."
The farmer reappeared with a battered wallet. He took the bill offered him with the barest glance and put it into his pocket.
Then he looked up at the driver and said, "How do you want the change? Two nines or three sixes?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2005, 05:09 PM:
Rated G
"This week Martha Stewart had to have stitches on her hand after carving a turkey. Doctor's said this was the first time anyone has every seen a turkey laugh."
--Conan O'Brien
"Are you like me and think Christmas is starting earlier and earlier every year? For example, all those decorations up on 5th Avenue – those are for next year."
--Dave Letterman
"I bought my Christmas tree today. I think I made a mistake though. I bought the three year extended warranty. I don't think I need that."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-18-2005, 06:55 PM:
Rated G
Nobody is perfect.
A mistake is evidence that someone has tried to do something...
Someone who never makes any mistakes has never tried to do anything at all.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 07:30 AM:
Rated G
"The Maple Sugar Makers Association in Vermont is sending hundreds of gallons of genuine maple syrup over to our troops in Iraq. Soldiers say the syrup will go towards the creation of WMDs - Waffles of Mass Deliciousness."
--Dennis Miller
"Japanese Sumo wrestling officials may start allowing wrestlers now to wear pants. Ah, great – there goes the sex appeal."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2005, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
"A new study found that sleep is essential to creativity. I'd just like to say that we have the most creative audience in all of television!"
--Craig Kilborn
"The hunting season in New York has begun. I love hunting season. And what is more American than accidentally shooting your drinking buddy?"
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2005, 12:25 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Cancel call waiting; putting someone on hold is saying, "Would you wait, there is someone else calling me I'd rather talk to."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-20-2005, 12:54 PM:
Rated G
A shrimp sole my girl; I lobster and haven't flounder!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 07:22 AM:
Rated G Betsy
There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 07:24 AM:
Rated G
Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you."
And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes."
To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid."
The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home."
Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home.
"See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."
Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!"
Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 03:44 PM:
Rated G
Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar’s worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-21-2005, 03:45 PM:
Rated G
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2005, 01:14 PM:
Rated G
I spent my overdraft mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted.
"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you."
--Adam Christing
"You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways."
--Bill Merrill
"Al Sharpton is getting his own show on CBS. I believe it's called "The Amazing Race Card."
--Jay Leno
"This "King Kong" movie is huge. He's everywhere. Just this morning he was making banana splits with Tony Danza."
--Dave Letterman
"Online search engine leader Google has unveiled a new feature that will enable its users to zoom in on homes and businesses using satellite images. It's really the perfect service for the stalker or terrorist on a budget."
--Dennis Miller
"Today they held the elections in Iraq. The results are slowly coming in. The only thing we know for sure at this point is that al Gore lost again."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 12:52 PM:
Rated G
"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded."
--Tim Allen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 01:18 PM:
Rated G Tidbits
Can a dog smell out a gas leak?
Because of their acute sense of smell, dogs are trained to sniff out everything from drugs to bombs to iron ore. In Ontario, Canada, instruments couldn't locate where natural gas was escaping from a pipeline buried 18 feet underground. Trained German shepherds were brought in. The dogs worked in sub-zero temperatures and covered nearly 100 miles of frozen ground, ultimately finding more than 150 gas leaks.
How many babies can a mouse have?
A female mouse may spawn as many as ten litters of eight to ten young during her lifetime which is generally less than a year. The gestation period is three weeks, and the young mice reach maturity in only ten weeks.
How do you play a glass harmonica?
Not many people have heard of a glass harmonica, because there are only about 30 people in the world who can play it. It was invented in 1761 by Benjamin Franklin, and is made of up to 42 separate hand-blown glass bowls placed on a rotating spindle that the player rubs with his or her fingers.
Is it hot or cold in space?
If an object has no molecules, the concept of temperature is meaningless. That's why it's technically incorrect to speak of the "cold of outer space" space has no temperature, and is known as a "temperature sink," meaning it drains heat out of things.
Does the North Atlantic have a river?
The North Atlantic Deep Water Current is an oceanic "river" that carries twenty times more water than all the rivers of the world put together.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-24-2005, 01:35 PM:
Rated G
Physicist Niels Bohr, a Nobel Prize winner, had a horseshoe nailed over his front door for luck. When questioned by a skeptical colleague on whether he believed in such superstition, Bohr responded, "Oh, no, but I am told that it works even if you don't believe it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-25-2005, 10:44 AM:
Rated G
Predictability?
IF YOU ALWAYS DO
WHAT YOU ALWAYS DID
YOU WILL ALWAYS GET
WHAT YOU ALWAYS GOT.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2005, 02:58 PM:
Rated G
I was in Dayton, Ohio and walked by the Otis Elevator Building. It's one floor.
Apparently they know something we don't.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:27 PM:
Rated G Maggie
"A house is built by human hands, but a home is built by human hearts. "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:30 PM:
Rated G Betsy
My father was a cop, so dating was a nightmare. I could handle the police escort, but the bullhorn from the helicopter was a bit much: "Son, keep your hands on the steering wheel where we can see them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."
The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:40 PM:
Rated G Elaine
Short guys are always saying stupid things to me because I'm so tall. One guy asked, "Do you play basketball?" I said, "No, do you play miniature golf?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:46 PM:
Rated G Wild Child
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2005, 03:59 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Mistake: to err, to cause an error or make a mess
If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style...
If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident...
If a engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture...
If parents makes a mistake, It is a new generation...
If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law...
If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention...
If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion...
If a teacher makes a mistake , It is a new theory...
If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake......
If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 03:46 PM:
Rated G
Honesty and wisdom together will take you very far in life. With honesty you will be known as a person who can be relied upon to follow through on everything you have promised, regardless. With wisdom, of course, you will have better sense than to make promises.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 03:53 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing lane.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 04:05 PM:
Rated G B.B.
WONDER for YOUR WEEK:
Do you think they can really make garbage into fuel? Well, I guess they've already made it into books, TV shows, and the movies, right?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 04:08 PM:
Rsted G Gerry
"Personally," a father remarked, "I have my doubts about solar energy. My son has spent most of his life on the beach, and he has less energy than anyone I know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 04:10 PM:
Rated G B,B.
Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly.
"What is a Rolls-Kinardly?" asks his friend.
"That," the man answered, "is a car that rolls down hill and kin 'ardly get up the next."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-29-2005, 08:07 PM:
Rated R Ed In Aurora Ont. CA
10 Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see a man without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
Person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
Anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in Hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
Attention to criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
And a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2
In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now The world is weird and People take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions And millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-01-2006, 05:19 PM:
Rated G.....
On a hot summer day, a cowboy came riding into town on his horse with his dog following. He tied the horse and dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The cowboy said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat."
The cowboy replied, "No way that dog's in heat; she's cool cause I got her tied under the shade of the tree."
The policeman said, "No! you don't understand; your dog needs to be bred."
"No way", the cowboy said, "that dog don't need bread, she's not hungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this morning".
Now the policeman started to get irritated and yelled, "NO, you idiot! Don't you understand, your dog wants to have sex!"
The cowboy looked at him and said, "Go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 07:25 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Some Good Things About The Flu ???
10. No one wants to come near you.
9. You can legally take sedatives.
8. You realize guests on daytime talk shows have worse lives than you do.
7. You get away with being rude, obnoxious and surly.
6. You can smell like a baboon's butt and nobody complains.
5. You can move about the house unwashed and in your housecoat all day.
4. No matter how bad you feel, it's still better than how you felt after last month's tequila 'n' gin party.
3. Star Trek re-runs.
2. Your dog is allowed on the bed.
1. You get to have some TLC for a change.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 12:29 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
The miser won the lottery with a ticket he bought--$1,000,000! But he still seemed depressed.
"What's wrong?" asked his neighbor.
The miser sighed and said, "When I think of the dollar I wasted buying this other lottery ticket."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 12:55 PM:
Rated G
Signs in the Kitchen
So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2006, 12:59 PM:
Rated G
Joe: Yuck! This is the worst tasting apple pie I ever had!
Waiter: What does it taste like?
Joe: Glue!
Waiter: Then that's the pumpkin pie. The apple pie tastes like mud.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 06:57 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Going bald wouldn't be so bad if there were a reason for it. Like let's say under hair, written on your head, are prizes. Like a scratch-off game:
"Hey I'm bald, but look what I won, large fries!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 06:58 AM:
Rated G Ken
Love: Everyone says looks don't matter. Age doesn't matter. Money doesn't matter, but I've never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old, ugly man who's broke.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him.
"Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."
A few days later, the stork parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere...just scaring the heck out of some college students!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 08:10 AM:
Rated G
Take the time to live!!!Life is too short
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is l ike nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are l ike fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's l ike jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom com es with age, but sometimes age com es alone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Rather than have all six pallbearers cramped into one car, the funeral director asked me if I'd mind driving with him.
I accompanied him to the hearse, and just as the procession got underway, I decided to have a cigarette.
Before lighting it, I asked the director if he'd mind, "No, I don't mind," he said. "You'll never hear an undertaker say don't smoke."
A few weeks later I quit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:48 PM:
Rated G Daisy Mae
25 Ways to Annoy a Northerner:
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of 'em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell 'em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy 'em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send 'em a bottle of fresh air.
10.Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever says the words "Civil War", always interject that "there was nothing civil about it."
12. Address all males as "son" and females as "little lady".
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It's "Pah-kahn" not "Pee-can".
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say "Yo, I'm from upstate New Yoik!",say "Well, I'll be darned, is there a downstate NewYork?"
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children "Bubba". (or just call em that!)
18. Use the word "reckon" in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. "Mash" buttons. "Cut" off lights. "Carry" the kids to school.
20. Never simply "do" something. Be "fixin to do" something.
21. Tell them you don't have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include "yes/no ma'am/sir" in all conversations... Offends the heck out of 'em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. "Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there..." "You said left."
"Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town.."
24. Ask them if it's still snowing up North. Then tell 'em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call 'em a Yankee. Works every time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-04-2006, 04:52 PM:
Rated G
The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs.....
10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
8. "Cumin here often?"
7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled or fertilized?"
6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes.....time to come to a full boil!"
3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee.....and less drippy."
2. "Get the buttah."
And the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs...
1. "Uh, yeah.....I invented Spaghetti-O's"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 07:26 AM:
Rated G B.B.
And then there's the shop-a-holic whose friend complimented her on her new car. "Oh, thanks," the woman replied. "It's very economical. I'm getting about 20 malls per gallon!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 07:40 AM:
Rated G Diana
I was reading something about Penthouse Pet of the Year the other day. That's a dubious title, isn't it? Pet of the Year.
What do you have to do to get to that, go on the paper?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-05-2006, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ontario
The Pasta Diet
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
And for those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 08:45 AM:
Rated G
Kathy Smith, West Coast TV-news anchorwoman, claims that off-camera and without makeup she wouldn't be recognized. To avoid attracting attention in her Seattle neighborhood, she asked her children not to tell people what she did for a living.
One day, while her five-year old son was getting a haircut, she overheard him reply to a question from the barber about her work. "I can't tell you what my mom does. All I know is she gets all dressed up and goes out at night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 08:48 AM:
Rated G
"Donald Trump is considering a run for president in 2008. He will find a running mate, then later dump her for a younger, hotter running mate."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 10:15 AM:
Rated G Andrew
There's terrific merit in having no sense of humour, no sense of irony, practically no sense of anything at all.
If you're born with these so-called defects you have a very good chance of getting to the top.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 10:35 AM:
Rated G CHris
Were graham crackers really invented to "cure the dread fever of lust?"
In some ways, yes.
The graham cracker originated in the United States by Rev. Sylvester Graham, a Presbyterian minister, in the early 1800s as a "health food."
Graham felt excessive carnal exercise would cause indigestion, headache, feebleness of circulation, pulmonary consumption, spinal diseases, epilepsy, insanity, and early death of offspring, among other things.
But how were the crackers supposed to help?
His original "Graham bread" was the centerpiece of a vegetarian diet he was convinced would suppress such carnal urges.
He also warned that ketchup and mustard caused insanity.
He gained many followers, who set up boardinghouses in cities including New York and Boston, where his vegetarian diet was observed.
Did people take to his ideas quickly?
Now really. While Graham attracted a fair number of followers, who opened Graham boardinghouses in New York and Boston where his dietary regimen was observed, most people regarded him as a nut.
He was assaulted by mobs on at least three occasions, once by butchers and bakers who thought he was going to drive them out of business.
He was cranky and aloof and alienated even those who admired him, so much so that he gave up the lecture business in 1839 and lived out the last years of his life in relative obscurity.
Were Graham's ideas anything but wacky quackery?
Actually, in many important respects Graham's ideas were rather sound. Although his ideas regarding sex would be considered by many to be "Puritan," many of his other ideas about health were sound.
He advocated daily toothbrushing, once considered a revolutionary idea, as well as fresh air, regular bathing, exercise, and seven hours of sleep.
During an era of recurring cholera epidemics he urged people to drink pure water.
How about his dietary ideas?
Interestingly, the diet Graham recommended was considerably healthier than the one Americans were eating at the time, or for that matter eat today. He railed against commercial bakers who used refined flour devoid of dietary fiber. He urged the consumption of fresh fruits, vegetables, grains, and seeds. Strictly verboten were fat, salt, sugar, tobacco, alcohol, and stimulants.
Modern dieticians aren't as strongly opposed to meat as he was (although they'd certainly advise fish and poultry rather than red meat), and they'd go easy on the fat- and cholesterol-laden milk, cheese, and eggs he recommended.
But by and large "the prophet of bran bread and pumpkins" was ahead of his time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Chris
Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we- never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero- transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Carol
True Happiness
True happiness may be sought, caught, or thought, But never bought.
Happiness is the result of being too busy to be unhappy.
No one can define happiness. You have to be unhappy to understand it.
Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's old girlfriend.
Happiness does not come from what you have...but what you are.
Happiness is where you find it and seldom where you seek it.
Happiness is home brewed.
The surest path to happiness is in losing yourself in a cause greater than yourself.
The place to be happy is here, the time to be happy is now, the way to be happy is to make others so.
~ Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:08 PM:
Rated G Judi
Living In The Past
Another year has passed and we're all a little older. Last summer felt much hotter and last winter so much colder. I wrack my brain for happy thoughts, to put down on my pad, But lots of things that come to mind just make me kind of sad.
There was a time not long ago when life was quite a blast. Now I fully understand about "Living in the Past." We used to go to weddings, football games and brunches. Now we go to funeral homes, and after-funeral lunches.
We used to have hangovers, from parties that were gay. Now we suffer body aches to wile the night away. We used to go out dining, and couldn't get our fill. Now we ask for doggie bags, come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel to places near and far. Now we get a sore rear end from riding in the car. We used to go out shopping for new clothing at the mall Now we never bother...all the sizes are too small.
Some used to go to nightclubs and drink a little booze. Now we stay at home at night and watch the evening news. That, my friend is how life is, and now my tale is told. So, enjoy each day and live it up...before you get too old!
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 12:45 PM:
Rated G Albert
CHINESE PROVERBS
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2006, 01:02 PM:
Rated G Rosie
Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire out on the prairie; each with the bravado for which he is famous A night of tall Tales.
The guy from Montana says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why , just the other day, a bull got loose in the coral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth"
The Guy from Colorado couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot Diamondback Rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp and I'm still here today."
The Cowboy from Arkansas remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:25 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:34 AM:
Rated G Cutipi
Maggie: Do you believe in ESP and seeing the future?
Lorraine: Oh yes. In fact, my uncle had a terrible accident because he didn't pay attention to the signs.
Maggie: Really?
Lorraine: Yes, especially the signs Stop and No Left Turn.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:35 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Rules Of Bureaucracy"
1. Preserve thyself.
2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.
3. A penny saved is an oversight.
4. Information deteriorates upward.
5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.
6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.
7. For any given large, complex, hard-to-understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.
8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.
9. To err is human; to shrug is civil service.
10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:41 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Humor in Music
A, C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."
An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B- flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development."
This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.
The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest - and closes the bar.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2006, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.
The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:
"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.
But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'"
One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:48 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Housecleaning (or maybe not...)
I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.
I don't mind the dust bunnies because .. They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because .. I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.
I don't put things away because .. My husband will never be able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.
I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:50 AM:
Rated G
"We have had terrible rain storms here in California. Yester- day Beverly Hills got six inches of water. Three of which were sparkling."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-08-2006, 06:56 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 07:33 AM:
Rated G Gerry
While on a cruise in the Bahamas, Gene and his family were joined at their dinner table by an elderly couple from Scotland who spoke with heavy accents.
When the meal was over, Gene's seven-year-old son Gene Jr., who was quiet throughout dinner, asked his dad, "What language were they talking?"
Gene replied, "English."
The boy shook his head and said, "I didn't know English was also a foreign language."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 07:51 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Redheads...
How do you get a redhead to argue with you? Say something
How do you get a redhead's mood to change? Wait 10 seconds
What's safer: a redhead or a piranha? The piranha. They only attack in schools.
What do you call a Redhead with an attitude? Normal
What does a redhead, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.
Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 07:57 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:04 AM:
Rated G Maggie
"To love is nothing. To be loved is something. To love and be loved is everything."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:11 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"How many slams in an old screen door?
Depends on how loud you shut it.
How many slices in a bread?
Depends on how thin you cut it.
How much good inside a day?
Depends on how good you live 'em.
How much love inside a friend?
Depends on how much you give 'em."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:13 AM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the knothead who fell down the elevator shaft?
When he gained consciousness he yelled, "I said UP!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:15 AM:
Rated G B.B.
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
First Runner-Up: In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal- wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner: In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions: In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:21 AM:
Rated G
It's the time of the Old West.
A citizen of the town comes running into the saloon and screams, "Big Bad Bart is coming! Big Bad Bart is coming! We gotta get outta town."
Everyone gets up in a hurry and takes off as fast as they can, including the saloonkeeper, who when hopping over the bar slips on a beer and knocks himself unconscious.
When he comes to, he makes his way outside to see the biggest, meanest man he's ever seen riding down the center of the town on two buffaloes, whipping them with a rattlesnake screaming, "Giddyup! Let's go, come on." He makes his way over to the saloonkeeper, dismounts, and enters the saloon.
Breaking both doors off the hinges while entering, he walks up to the bar, slams his fist down, breaking the bar in half and hollers, "Gimme some beer in a gallon jug."
After the saloonkeeper hands him the jug, he watches as the man drinks it in three seconds flat.
When he's done with his drink, the man turns around to walk out the door.
The saloonkeeper couldn't believe his eyes and wanted to see him do it again. He asks him, "Don't you want another beer?"
The man turns around and says, "Heck no, Big Bad Bart is coming! I gotta get outta town!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 08:25 AM:
Rated G
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman soldier in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 03:14 PM:
Rated G
It is reported that Madame de Gaulle, in bed one night, said, "My God, it's cold."
To which her husband, lying stiffly by her side, replied, "In bed, Madame, you may call me Charles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 03:15 PM:
Rated G
Some friends had gathered at a restaurant.
Seeing one take out a camera, a man at the next table offered to snap a group photo.
After the first shot he suggested taking another, but the owner of the camera said, "Thanks, but don't bother. I always get double prints."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 03:17 PM:
Rated G
The new owner of a condo was delighted with his unit.
His only problem was finding his mailbox.
When he called the management office a cheerful voice told him. "We have given you that information on one of the pages included in the welcome packet we mailed you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2006, 03:19 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Emotional Extremes!
Some aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges are attending their first class and the professor is lecturing on emotional extremes.
"Just as an example," says the professor to one student from a major urban university. "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," says the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asks of a young lady from an Ivy League college.
"Elation," says she.
"And you sir," he says to the young man from an agricultural institution, "how about the opposite of woe?"
The Aggie replies, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2006, 06:52 AM:
Rated G Betsy
"Dating is when you pretend you're someone you're not, to impress someone you don't even know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2006, 08:40 AM:
Rated G
"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it."
~~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2006, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.
The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is five hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"five hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, what a beach!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:10 AM:
Rated G Maggie
Self-esteem does not mean feeling good all the time. Self-esteem means loving yourself even when you feel badly...even when you make a mistake. It means loving yourself even when you're depressed. It means that you accept yourself fully.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:12 AM:
Rated G
"A judge ruled last week that mooning is legal in Maryland.
Though that's not really a problem because a lot of people who work in Washington live in Maryland and they're more concerned with covering their asses than showing them."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:41 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?"
Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.
It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 07:47 AM:
Rated G
"After 25 years Ted Koppel did his last show tonight at
"Nightline". Immediately after the show he drove upstate and released his hair into the wild."
--Conan O'Brien
"Did you all go shopping this weekend? Huge crowds at the mall. Shoppers were looking for those bargains. In fact, the 99-cent store here Burbank having a huge "one-percent-off" sale.
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2006, 02:17 PM:
Rated PG John Mullen
My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of his favorite song.
After he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet.
Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants.
Well, as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?"
To this he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
Yea, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my joke in this manner.
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 01-12-2006, 02:37 PM:
Rated PG-13
A ship hits something (maybe an iceberg, no one knows) just when there is "grand gala". So the captain gets a microphone and says "Please evacuate the ship, we are sinking! Men are supposed to use the emergency boats on the port side, the women on the starboard side!"
Two homo's hear this and shout "SO WE HAVE TO DROWN!?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 08:38 AM:
Rated G Vicky
Life is like an overnight bag: if you try to cram too much into it, something has got to give.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 08:41 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Q. Why do women have better driving records than men?
A. Because if they have an accident, the newspapers print their age.
"It’s been unseasonably warm here in New York City. It feels like spring out. It was so warm today that cab drivers got confused and took their annual shower."
--David Letterman
"Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It's kind of like being the guy on a date."
--Caroline Rhea
"Some things just aren't funny. Beatings aren't funny. Mimes aren't funny. But beating a mime - why is that so hilarious?"
--Dave Attell
"My father would say things that made no sense at all, like, 'If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.'"
-Louie Anderson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 08:52 AM:
Rated G B.B.
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25". Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 09:56 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Bumper Stickers:
Cover me ... I'm changing lanes
Forget About World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2006, 09:58 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Three cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work late," complained the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity quota."
"Me, I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I was a capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time," added the third. "They said that proved I had an American watch."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:10 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A friend of mine was sitting on his porch, when this woman walked up with a pad and pencil in her hand.
"What can I do for you?" my friend asked. "You selling something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker."
"A what?"
"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Church Bulletin Bloopers 2006
* Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.
* The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.
* We'll kick off the Christmas season this morning with our first hymn, "The First Nowell"
* Our Wednesday Night Family Cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton Soup.
* Events: December 9th, Christmas Caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.
* Saturday the Youth Group will Serenade a number of our Seniors with Christmas Thongs.
* Last Saturday the Men's Group had a great fellowship that included good conversation and delicious coffee. Special thanks to Kate Michels for providing teats.
* The Youth Group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.
* The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus.
* Don't forget to make some New Year's Resolutions. It's a great way to start off with a new ear.
* Due to Construction on the North side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit which is the old entrance.
* What are you doing for Lunch Tuesday? Local Funeral Director Barry Gilbert will talk about the benefits of cremation.
* The Riegieman Chiropractic Center will host Kid's Day this Saturday. They'll be treating the youth group to spinal exams, backpack checks, I.D. Cards, etc.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:14 AM:
Rated G
"Angelina and Brad Pitt are going to have a baby. Well this is nice, finally this couple is going to get some attention."
--David Letterman
"A new study shows that large doses of Vitamin E do not protect against heart attacks and cancer, and might actually raise the risk of heart failure. The study was published in this month's Journal of Things that Scientists Told You to Do Last Month That Turned Out to Be Harmful This Month."
--Dennis Miller
"During Judge Alito's hearings, Senator Ted Kennedy accidentally referred to Sam Alito as Ali-oto. Kennedy said, 'Forgive me, I'm sober.'"
---Conan O'Brien
"A homemade bomb was found in the bathroom of a Starbucks in San Francisco. Police defused the device, saving over $85 million worth of coffee. 100 people were evacuated from the Starbucks. They were taken to the Starbucks to two doors down."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2006, 11:16 AM:
Rated R
Two guys from Alabama were using the bathroom off'n a bridge.
One said the waters cold.
The other said the waters' deep.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2006, 10:20 AM:
Rated G B.B.
How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but she gives it a surprise twist at the end.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 11:38 AM:
Rated G B.B.
My toddler and I were shopping when a heavily tattooed man strolled by.
My daughter's eyes grew wide as she said, "I'll bet his mother took away all HIS markers!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:00 PM:
Rated G B.B.
WISE ADVICE FROM KIDS
"Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored." - Elissa, 9
"Good food always comes with a toy." - Ryan, 6
"Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should." -Joaquim, 7
"Don't dry the dog in the microwave." - Brittany, 5
"If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy." - Daniel, 7
"You can't eat soup with a fork." - Mel, 4
"Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting." -Xiang, 8
"Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet." -Bob, 11
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:15 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Overlooked Blessings
The haven of a comforting shoulder to cry on; the warming embrace of a loved one.
Pampering yourself.
Listening to the whispers of your authentic self and taking your own advice.
The generosity and hospitality of good neighbors.
Finding a lost pet.
Rediscovering old family photos.
The intimate bond of friendship that protects, nurtures, inspires and comforts.
The man or woman in your life who is neither a past or present love but simply a precious friend who adores you.
Waking up to a perfectly beautiful day for a planned outdoor event.
Working with people you enjoy being around.
An opportunity to interview for the dream job. Getting it.
Receiving the perfect gift. Finding one for someone else.
Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and delighting in what you see.
Having your child appreciate your sense of humor.
An unexpected compliment that makes your day.
Completing the crossword puzzle without help.
Looking fabulous at your class reunion.
Listening to the oldies and recalling happy moments.
Paying off your credit card balance.
Coming up with the perfect retort at the moment you need it and not two hours later.
Friends and family who can both truly rejoice with you and console you in times of sorrow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:17 PM:
Rated G Gerry
If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:21 PM:
Rated G Vicky
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 12:40 PM:
Rated G B.B.
THE STRANGER
Author Unknown
A few months before I was born, my dad met a stranger who was new to our town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted and was around to welcome me into the world a few months later.
As I grew up I never questioned his place in our family. Mom taught me to love the Word of God, and Dad taught me to obey it, but the stranger was our storyteller. He could weave the most fascinating tales. Adventures, mysteries and comedies were daily conversations. He could hold our whole family spellbound for hours each evening.
He was like a friend to the whole family. He took Dad, Bill and me to our first major league baseball game. He was always encouraging us to see the movies, and he even made arrangements to introduce us to several movie stars.
The stranger was an incessant talker. Dad didn't seem to mind, but sometimes Mom would quietly get up while the rest of us were enthralled with one of his stories of faraway places, go to her room, read her Bible and pray. I wonder now if she ever prayed that the stranger would leave.
You see, my dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but this stranger never felt an obligation to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our house-not from us, from our friends, or adults. Our longtime visitor, however, used occasional four-letter words that burned my ears and made Dad squirm. To my knowledge the stranger was never confronted.
My Dad was a teetotaler who didn't permit alcohol in his home, not even for cooking, but the stranger felt like we needed exposure and enlightened us to other ways of life. He offered us beer and other alcoholic beverages often. He talked freely (much too freely)about sex. His comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive and generally embarrassing. I know now that my early concepts of the man/woman relationship were influenced by the stranger.
As I look back, I believe it was because of the grace of God that the stranger did not influence us more. Time after time he opposed the values of my parents, yet he was seldom rebuked and never asked to leave.
More than thirty years have passed since the stranger moved in with the young family on Morningside Drive. But if I were to walk into my parents' den today, you would still see him sitting over in a corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch him draw his pictures.
His name?
We always just called him TV.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 03:44 PM:
Rated G B.B.
ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have. You have character lines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-16-2006, 03:55 PM:
Rated G Chris
About Cockroaches
How does a cockroach's heart work?
A cockroach heart is nothing but a simple tube with valves. The tube can pump blood backwards and forwards in the insect. The heart can even stop moving without harming the roach.
Is it true that they can be used as a pain reliever?
Suprisingly, the answer is yes. Crushed cockroaches can be applied to a stinging wound to help relieve the pain.
How large can roaches get?
The world's largest roach (which lives in South America) is six inches long with a one-foot wingspan.
How fast are they moving when they scuttle across the floor?
Cockroaches can run up to three miles in an hour. It may not sound terribly fast, but it's fast enough to dodge a rolled up newspaper.
What sort of cracks can they squeeze into?
Young cockroaches need only a crack as thin as a dime (about .5mm wide) to crawl into. Adult males can squeeze into a space of 1.6mm or the thickness of a quarter. Pregnant females need the most space to hide: 4.5mm or a space as tall as two stacked nickels.
How sexy is roach coital activity?
By our standards, not very. Male cockroaches transfer sperm to females in a "gift-wrapped" package called a spermatophore. Some males cover the package in a protein-rich wrapping that the female can eat to obtain nutrients to raise her young. Yummy...
Do cockroaches like the cold?
Not particularly. Most species of roaches live in the tropics. But roaches live all over the world, including the North and South Poles. Pest cockroaches can withstand temperatures as cold as 32 degrees F. (0 Celsius), but will die if the temperature goes much below that. In extremely cold places, however, they survive by moving in with humans.
How is it they can climb walls so well?
Cockroaches can climb walls because they are equipped with a set of little claws on their feet designed for that very purpose.
Do roaches make good mothers?
Some female cockroaches incubate their egg cases in their bodies until they are ready to hatch. These babies stay with their mothers a day or two after they are born.
How do roaches tell each other apart?
Roaches use their feelers, or antennae, as noses. Their sense of smell is so great, they recognize family and friends by their distinctive odors. Female roaches attract male roaches by producing pheromones.
Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 01-16-2006, 05:38 PM:
Rated G - Dave in Sin City
Tools and Their Uses
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog shit off your boots.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. It's secondary purpose is to inflict second and third degree burns on whatever part of your anatomy it touches.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt, but as the name implies, can also be used to strip out Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone mad at the world and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50˘ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT!" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 11:58 AM:
Rated G
Two tourists fell into conversation in a small town in Europe. "
Have you been here before?" asked one.
"Oh, yes," replied the other. "I come here every year."
"What hotel would you recommend?"
"Try the Express," "Have you stayed there?" "No, never, but I've stayed at all the others."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 01:21 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Do you ever wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked "brightness," but it doesn't work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 01:44 PM:
Rated B.B.
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY:
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.
2. You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
4. You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting in your office.
5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
6. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
7. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
8. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
10.You wake up and your braces are locked together.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex.
12. Your income check bounces.
13. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
14. Your pet rock snaps at you.
15.Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 01:49 PM:
Rated G
The Simplified Chinese Language...
For most of us, Chinese is a very difficult language to learn or understand. Hopefully, these simplifications will help you understand the Chinese language just a bit better!
Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze Sho - Dawson's Creek
Lao Zi - Not very good
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting -- There is no reason to raise your voice
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2006, 01:53 PM:
Rated G
The Washington Post had a contest wherein participants were asked to tell the younger generation how much harder they had it "in the old days." Winners, runners-up, and honorable mentions are listed below.
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In winter, we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction.
First Runner-Up:
In my day, we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today.
And the winner:
In my day, we didn't have rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads.
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes.
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated.
In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked- off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar.
In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms.
Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise.
Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray- haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.
Back in my day, they hadn't invented electricity. We had to watch television by candlelight.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 08:44 AM:
Rated G Gerry
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts, regular, premium and unleaded.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 08:52 AM:
Rated G Quirk
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 08:58 AM:
Rated G Vicky
Why do people say, 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too' Dead right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 09:11 AM:
Rated G
"Today on MSNBC they posted an article: "How to Avoid a Bear Attack." Number one tip: "never surprise a bear". Like if it's his birthday, the whole surprise party is bad, just give him a gift...they hate the "Booo!"
--Jay Leno
"Have you folks been watching the Alito Supreme Court Hearings? The Democrats are accusing Alito of giving vague answers. He shot back by saying, 'Maybe, maybe not.'"
--Dave Letterman
"The French have launched their own version of Google, called Quaero. You just type in the subject you're interested in, and Quaero refuses to look it up for you."
--Amy Poehler
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 09:12 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Teacher: Do you know what we call the person who delivers children?
Melody: She's called Mom. She delivers me to school, to my girlfriends' houses, to the mall, to soccer practice...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 09:15 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Ken: That sure is cool excerise equipment.
Mike: Thanks, I got it at the gym.
Ken: Did they have a sale?
Mike: No, they had a sign that said Free Weights.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 09:19 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"Long distance? I'd like to place a call to Aberystwyth, Wales."
"Could you spell that please?"
"If I could spell it, I'd write!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 02:17 PM:
Rated G
Stagecoach Surprise
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.
The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.
Just before he rode off, I yelled out, "What was all that about?"
He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2006, 02:23 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"I was having dinner with world chess champion Garry Kasparov - our table had a check tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass me the salt."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:34 PM:
Rated G
At the DMV
It recently occurred to me that my driver's license was about to expire. By "recently," I mean "seven months and three days after it expired." Not wanting to risk getting a ticket, I went immediately to the "DMV," which stands for "Devils, Maniacs, and Villains."
I have found that at the DMV there are folks who are very cheerful and friendly. These are the people who have just arrived at the place. Two hours into the line, everyone is a fascist, full of righteous anger at everybody else just for existing.
The first step for me is to get into a line designed for people who need to be told they are in the wrong line. I'm advised that the woman behind the counter is there only for individuals wishing to obtain a license to drive a vehicle shaped like a giant hotdog in a bun.
"Does that even ever happen?" I demand of her. She shrugs. "Once." "Wouldn't it make sense for you to handle other types of driver's license?" I press. She nods. "I also do cars shaped like sausages."
I decide to wait in the queue for the man at the Information kiosk. He's the sort of person who is always holding his head, as if containing an impending explosion. I approach cautiously. "Can you tell me which line is for obtaining a new driver's license?" I ask him.
He squeezes his head, turning his eyes into slits. "What kind of driver's license? For a truck? Wingless airplane? Wienermobile?" "Just for a car," I assure him.
"What kind of car?" he counters.
"What? Oh, a Ford."
"What color."
"What color? White, it's white." He runs his hands up the sides of his head so that his hair sticks out between his fingers in mad-looking squirts. "Two door or four door?"
"Two door. Look..."
"Convertible?"
"Huh? No, it's a hardtop."
"A two door white Ford hardtop," he reiterates.
"Exactly." He shakes his head by moving his hands back and forth. "We don't have a special line for something like that."
"What do you mean? Lots of people drive cars like that!" I demand agitatedly.
"We don't break it out by car type. If you want a driver's license, it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive. Unless obviously it is shaped like a hotdog or something," he explains patiently.
The next person I talk to is much more helpful. "First we need to do an eye test. Can you see the eye chart behind me?"
I spot a completely blank sheet of paper suspended over her head. "Yes, but I can't actually see anything on it," I tell her.
"Oh, that's okay. It used to have little symbols, but those were offensive to people who thought some of the symbols might be interpreted as religious. Then we had letters, but that was offensive to people who couldn't read. Then we just had different sized dots, but that was offensive to people who are offended by different sized dots. So we decided to go with a blank sheet of paper." She peers at me. "You're not offended, are you?"
"Heavens, no."
"Good. Come back when you've finished your written test."
"There's a test? I didn't know there would be a test." She shrugs. "Look, I'm...I'm very offended by the idea there's a test."
She snaps her gum. "Nice try."
I am handed a sheet of paper and a test booklet, and I slink off to a small room divided into cubbyholes. Well, even without studying, I figure I've been driving for years, and probably can intuit my way through the exam.
Question one: When driving a six-axle live animal transport with Gross Vehicle Weight greater than 8,000 lbs. down a 6%-grade multi-lane highway, you are required to maintain a brake line hydraulic pressure of (blank) PSI.
"Psst," the guy in the cubbyhole next to me hisses. "What's the Gross Vehicle Weight for a car shaped like a hot dog?"
"With or without the bun?" I shoot back. He gives me a panicked expression.
After failing the test, I wind up in another line. Waiting for the pay phone...To call for a ride home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:37 PM:
Rated G
Two Hindu swamis were in conversation.
One said to the other, "How did you like my latest book, 'The Art of Levitation'?"
His companion replied, "It kept me up all night"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:46 PM:
Rated G
Disney's Desperate Housewives . . .
Beauty: "My husband is such an animal!"
Cinderella: "Mine still drives a pumpkin."
Snow White: "Mine leaves me at home with seven little ones."
Ariel: "Mine wants me to wear fishnet stockings."
Sleeping Beauty: "I just pretend I'm asleep."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:48 PM:
Rated G
The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school...
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Chris
There's a man trying to cross the street.
As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him.
The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him.
By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.
The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 03:07 PM:
Rated G
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage and requested - "I'm looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The marriage officer said, "You're requirements please."
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour, if I don't go out. Telling me interesting stories when I need companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The officer listened carefully and replied, "I understand. You need a television."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 03:11 PM:
Rated G
Rummaging through her attic one day, my friend Carol found an old shotgun. Unsure how to dispose of it, she called her parents. "Take it to the police station," her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mom added.... "And, Carol?"
"Yes, mom?"
"Call them first and let them know you're coming."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2006, 03:14 PM:
Rated G B.B.
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.
She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.
"I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 08:28 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Question: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer: All invented by women.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 08:47 AM:
Rated G
Owing to the advance in medical technology, surgical technique, and the fact that silicone breast implants have been determined to be perfectly safe, a California cosmetic surgery practice is opening a new office where breast augmentation surgery is done on an outpatient basis in about thirty minutes.
They are going to call the practice "Jiffy Boob."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2006, 11:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 05:36 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Most airports make the passengers walk a long way to get to the plane. That's so the luggage will get a head start.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 05:40 AM:
Rated G
A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor immigrant with a beautiful white horse.
He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't think so, mister, it don't look good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "No better not, it don't look too good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer.
The poor man said well OK, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, and it galloped away right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 05:51 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Late Night[/b]
"Today NASA launch it first ever mission to Pluto. President Bush is very excited about this. I didn't even know Pluto had oil. Did you know there was oil on Pluto?"
--Jay Leno
"Well, I hope tonight's show turns out better than last night's show. Oh my God, halfway through last night's show, Judge Alito's wife ran out in tears."
--David Letterman
"That night is the most romantic we guys get. I remember when I asked my wife to marry me, I got down on my knee and I was shaking a little stick and I went, 'Ooops, that's not the color we're looking for, is it, Honey?' I get teary-eyed just thinking about it."
--Jack Coen
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
---Emo Philips
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 09:04 AM:
Rated G Popo
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'park'?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 09:27 AM:
Rated G
At boy scout camp, the counselor noticed an umbrella neatly packed inside the bedroll of a young scout.
Since an umbrella was not considered a required item, the counselor mentioned that it wasn't necessary.
"Sir," sighed the young scout, "did you ever have a mother?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2006, 11:04 AM:
Rated G Cutie pa2ti
Crazy Colors (or Hue Must Be Nuts!)
What color is a marriage? Wed.
What color is an echo? YELL-oohhhhhhh!
What color is a ghost? Boo.
What color is a baby ghost? Baby boo.
What color is a kitten's meow? Purr-ple.
What color is a soccer score? Goaled!
What color is a police investigation? Copper.
What color is a witch's potion? Bracken brew.
What color is the wind? Blew.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2006, 01:03 PM:
Rated G B.B.
TOP TIPS FOR LIFE
Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2006, 07:27 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
My boyfriend is shorter than I am, and we were talking about sports, and just out of the blue, I said, "When you were in grade school, did you play midget football?" He got really mad and said, What?" and I said, "Well, it's not like I said, 'Did you play football, midget?'"
~Laura Kightlinger~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"My aunt always nagged my uncle to buy her a Jaguar."
"Did he ever get one?"
"Yeah, then it ate her up!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-27-2006, 08:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
MORE of OUR FAVORITE PICK-UP LINES
Your eyes are the color of my Porsche.
Hi, my name is Mark Gates. Maybe you know my dad, Bill?
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call "fine print"!
Excuse me, do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
If God made a woman more beautiful than you, I hope He kept her for Himself.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2006, 04:56 PM:
Rated G
You Know You're Rich When...
The words "On Sale" no longer attract your interest, unless they're referring to a country.
You forbid your children to shop anywhere without valet parking.
Being frugal means buying "one" diamond bracelet instead of two.
You have people. As in, "I'll have my people call your people."
Your hardest decision all day is whether to put marble or hardwood floors in your child's tree house.
Your children play MonopolyR with real money.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2006, 04:58 PM:
Rated G
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly,green sneakers.You might get attention,but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me" (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food," (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire."(Christine, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:
"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2006, 05:13 PM:
Rated G
EARTHQUAKE SAFETY
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:
Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."
To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!
A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.
Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.
If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 09:52 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I was reading something about Penthouse Pet of the Year the other day. That's a dubious title, isn't it? Pet of the year. What do you have to do to get that, go on the paper?
~Elayne Boosler~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:00 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Words of Wisdom:
When on the road make sure you keep your eyes peeled for two things - red lights and green drivers.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:23 AM:
Rated G
"It was gone, maybe you didn't even know it was gone, but now it's back, I'm talking about the Miss America pageant. Everybody has Miss America fever. In fact, earlier today, President Bush promised to rebuild Miss Louisiana."
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2006, 10:33 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Q: What are the odds of getting four of a kind in a five-card deal in poker?
A: The odds are 1 to 4,164.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:02 PM:
Rated G Vicky
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will definitely annoy so many people that it will be worth the effort.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:25 PM:
Rated G
The Legend of Groundhog’s Day
On Groundhog’s Day, we follow legend Our eyes look to the ground For a sleepy little woodchuck In Punxsutawney town.
If Phil Hill, the brown haired critter Comes out into the light And quickly sees his shadow He’ll bounce back out of sight.
He’ll slip into his burrow For spring is far away Six more weeks of winter The price that we will pay.
But should the day be cloudy Ole Phil Hill will wander out With spring around the corner He’ll spread the news about.
Tis fun to follow legend It brightens up our day To think the bliss of springtime Is not that far away.
Thank You Mr. Hill our own Phil
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 02:39 PM:
Rated G B>B>
More Daffynitions
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians
Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife
Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against a government official
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-02-2006, 08:34 PM:
Rated R
10 TRUTHS BLACK AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:*
** *1.*Elvis is dead
2.Jesus was not white
3.Rap music is here to stay
4.Kissing your pet is not cute or clean
5.Skinny does not equal sexy
6.Thomas Jefferson had black children
7.A 5 year old child is to big for a stroller
8.N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5
9.An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line
10.Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
*10 TRUTHS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:*
** *1.*Hickey's are not attractive
2.Chicken is food, not a roommate
3.Jesus is not a name for your son
4.Your country's flag is not a car decoration
5.Maria is a name but not for every other daughter
6." Jump out and run " is not in any insurance policies
7.10 people to a car is considered too many
8.Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad fasion statement
9.Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family
10.Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
*10 TRUTHS WHITE AND HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:*
** *1. *O.J. did it
2.Tupac is dead
3.Teeth should not be decorated
4.Weddings should start on time
5.Your pastor doesn't know everything
6.Jesse Jackson will never be President
7.*Red* is not a kool-aid flavor, it's a color
8.Church does not require expensive clothes
9.Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away
10.Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 10:12 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 10:24 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Two elderly ladies, encountering Samuel Johnson soon after the publication of his famous dictionary, complimented him for having omitted gross, indelicate and objectionable words.
"What, my dears!" said Dr. Johnson, "Have you been searching for them?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 10:32 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
SIGNS FOUND HANGING ON THE DOORS OF...
An Astronaut: OUT TO LAUNCH
A fencing instructor: OUT TO LUNGE
A nuclear Scientist: GONE FISSION
A music Teacher: GONE CHOPIN, BE BACH SOON
A dance instructor: BACK IN A MINUET
A car mechanic: ON A BRAKE
A chiropractor: BE RIGHT, BACK!
A surgeon: JUST CUT OUT
A dog trainer: WILL RETURN IN FIVE MINUTES. SIT. STAY.
A nudist colony: WE'RE NEVER CLOTHED
A dentist: OPEN WIDE
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 01:06 PM:
Rated G
Hey have you heard about the sidewalk?
No!
Well it’s all over town!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 01:54 PM:
Rated G
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:24 PM:
Rated R
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
..
..
.
.
.
.
.Doughnuts!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:28 PM:
Rated PG
"If you love someone, set them free.
If they come back, set them on fire."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:31 PM:
Rated G
I'd never make it on one of those Surviver shows...
Everytime I even think about eating something like caterpillars, I get butterflies in my stomach.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:38 PM:
Rated G
Question:What's the difference between a King's son, a monkey's mother, a bald head, and an orphan?
Answer:One's an heir apparent,
The next is a hairy parent.
The next has no hair apparent,
and the last has nary a parent.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2006, 03:48 PM:
Rated G
Today Is National Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friends.
(Well...my job's done!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 07:44 AM:
Rated G Quirk
It is said that if the groundhog saw his shadow, you'll have 6 more weeks of winter...
If you saw your own shadow, it means 6 more weeks of the Atkins diet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Spaz
A lady walking down the street one day saw a man walking towards her. The man was talking to himself, waving his arms around his head and jumping up and down three times. He repeated this several times.
The lady asked the man what he was doing?
The man replied I am keeping the pink elephants away.
The lady replied, "Why? There are no pink elephants around here."
The man replied, "I know, works great doesn't it?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 10:20 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Signs That The Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before.
After taking money, asks if you want a receipt.
In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles.
Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some Chapstick7. When he's done he says, "That was fun, now you mug me".
You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles.
When you yell "stop thief". . . he does.
During police line-up he waves to you and shouts "remember me".
Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if Sienfeld hadn't been cancelled.
He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla".
Accepts IOU's...and phone cards.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:40 PM:
Rated G
The test of courage comes when we are in the minority.
The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:42 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Larry: Boy! My diet must be working.
Joe: Why do you say that?
Larry: I can finally see the numbers on the bathroom scale.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 12:50 PM:
Rated G
SHARP RETORTS TO "MY, HOW YOU'VE GROWN"
"My, how you've aged!"
"Yes, mostly through cell division."
"Well, I've been eating for two."
"Yeah, the coffee and cigarettes don't seem to be stunting my growth at all!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:15 PM:
Rated G B.B.
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the Captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."
"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."
"Well, is it true?" asked the Captain, knowing full well it was.
"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.
"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the Captain sternly.
Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The Captain was sober today."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:34 PM:
Rated G
Gas prices are so high that when this college girl pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollar’s worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:39 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2006, 01:58 PM:
Rated G
Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
He was a tall as a six foot three inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.
Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a really duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 10:06 AM:
Rated G
"When you're moving your whole world becomes finding boxes. You become obsessed. You could be at a funeral, everyone's crying, you're looking at the casket. 'That's a nice box. It even has handles.'"
-Jerry Seinfeld
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 10:33 AM:
Rated G Paladin
How to Spot Aliens at Work
(This article has been attributed to a number of different sources, mostly tabloid magazines, but the real author is concealing his identity. Probably for fear of alien retaliation.)
Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human - - but you can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. Listed are 10 signs to watch for:
1. Odd or mismatched clothes. "Often space aliens don't fully understand the different styles, so they wear combinations that are in bad taste, such as checked pants with a striped shirt or a tuxedo jacket with blue jeans or sneakers," noted Brad Steiger, a renowned UFO investigator and author.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits. Space aliens might eat French fries with a spoon or ice cream with a fork.
3. Bizarre sense of humor. "Space aliens who don't understand earthly humor may laugh during a serious company training film or tell jokes that no one understands," said Steiger. (or read Top Greetings)
4. Takes frequent sick days. A space alien might need extra time off to "rejuvenate its energy," said Dr. Thomas Easton, a theoretical biologist and futurist.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary. "Aliens are constantly gathering information," said Steiger.
6. Misuses everday items. "A space alien may use correction fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger.
7. Constant questioning about customs of co-workers. Space aliens who are trying to learn about earth culture might ask questions seemingly stupid, Easton said. "For example, a co-worker may ask why men wear ties, put snot filled handkerchiefs back into their pockets, or put a lime in a beer" noted Steiger.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle and home. "An alien won't discuss domestic details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends," said Steiger.
9. Frequently talks to himself. "An alien may not be used to speaking as we do, so it may practice speaking," Steiger noted.
10. Changes mood or physically reacts when near hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 10:49 AM:
Rated G B.B.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 10:57 AM:
Rated G Valerie
Home Economics For Men
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill.
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-06-2006, 11:00 AM:
Rated G
These are truisms that only kids can express. A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds "What does love mean?"
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined.
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."- Rebecca - age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth."- Billy - age 4
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." - Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." - Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." -Emily - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."- Bobby - age 5
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."- Nikka - age 6
"There are two kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."- Jenny - age 4
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." -Noelle - age 7
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."- Cindy - age 8
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 08:40 AM:
Rated G Maggie
Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:05 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
My goodness, Lise! You've been burping all morning.
It must have been those belchin' waffles I ate for breakfast.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:07 AM:
Rated G :)Betsy
I'm trying very hard to understand this generation.
They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a 16-year-old to drive will occur in the same week.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 10:54 AM:
Rated R Wild Child
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Tequila® can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila® almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila®.
Tequila® may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila®.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 11:00 AM:
Rated G B.B.
New Words for These Times
Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.
Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.
Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.
Dadicated: being the best father you can be.
Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time in the hopes you'll have something to read or write and not have to do any work.
Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes along.
Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone else talking too much.
Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time. ( Do you still say God Bless You )
Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer exists.
Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.
Mandals: sandals for men.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 11:07 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2006, 11:18 AM:
Rated G
You Know It's Time to Diet When...
- You dance and it makes the band skip.
- You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
- You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
- You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
- Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
- You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
- You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth. - You could sell shade.
- Your blood type is Ragu.
- You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2006, 08:31 AM:
Rated G B.B.
LAST LAUGH - JUST SOME THINGS TO THINK ABOUT
On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size.' Does this mean that the regular size bars are no fun?
Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?
Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile rather than remember and be sad?
Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn't the door always open?
Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 10:29 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. :
~Janeane Garofalo~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 11:33 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Question: What do the following books have in common?
Blood Clots
The Hermit on the Hill
The Frozen Airplane Propeller
Wanda Always Stays Home
Answer: They never "circulate."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 11:39 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Is there intelligent life on Mars?
Of course! You don't see them spending billions of dollars to find out about us.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 11:47 AM:
Rated G
This fellow who had spent his whole life away from civilization went to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he heard a screeching train whistle behind him, but not knowing what it was, he was hit — but only a glancing blow — and was thrown to the side of the tracks with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he was back at his friend's house attending a party one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard a tea kettle whistling.
He ran and grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeded to batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the commotion, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened and asked the man: "Why did you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The man replied: "You gotta take care of these things while they're still small."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 11:51 AM:
Rated R popo
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I’d ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!! ...I tell you, I just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me."
The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now, when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 12:49 PM:
Rated G Gardening Tip
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-09-2006, 12:53 PM:
Rated G
Did you hear about the spanish fireman who named his sons 'Hose "A" and Hose "B"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:08 AM:
Rated G Bruce
"Big night for the Rolling Stones. I don't want to say the Stones are getting old. But this is not the first time the Rolling Stones performed at an event where roman numerals were used."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Elaine
Some say it's what's on the inside that counts. If that were true about women, Playboy would be running centerfolds of brain tissues and gall bladders.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:39 AM:
Rated G Bruce
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
--Woody Allen
"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them."
--Joseph Heller
My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise.
It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr."
--Boston Whitey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:42 AM:
Rated G Gerry
If you want to show how technologically advanced you are, you could have an answering machine attached to your car phone that says you're not in because you're home.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 10:57 AM:
Rated G Quirk
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
I said, "The whole time."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:11 AM:
Rated G Bruce
These have to be original and genuine - no adult is This creative!!
JACK[b] (age 3) Was watching his Mom breast-feeding his New baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have You got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
[b]MELANIE (age 5) Asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any More. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must Look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to Six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I Love you so Much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside My bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4)had an earache and wanted a Painkiller?She tried in vain to take the lid off the Bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it Was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for Her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: How does it know it's me?
SUSAN(age 4)was drinking juice when she got the Hiccups? "Please don't give me this juice again," she Said, "It makes my teeth cough."
DI (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that Were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without Taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he Whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get Married. ?How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. ?His dad Read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife And flee out of the city but his wife looked back and Was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: ?"What Happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an Elderly, rather Wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for Awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your Face?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:31 AM:
Rated G
What's Love?
Love... a small word for such a complex emotion. There is no simple explanation for it, because love is made up of many things. It cannot be measured, because it is a feeling.
All of the money in the world cannot buy love; it has to be earned. It does not happen by wishing; it must come about naturally.
Love is not an instantaneous emotion, but something that grows slowly between two people, maturing with time. Once love has reached maturity, there is no stronger bond between two people.
Love is sharing the good and the bad, the hopes and the dreams, the amusing times and the serious times. It is doing things together, yet leaving room for each to grow as an individual.
Remember this, and may you have a wonferful lifetime of love!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2006, 11:53 AM:
Rated G
21st century..How true is this???
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - GODless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Clueless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
century..How true is this???
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our religion - Creedless
Our food - Fatless
Our faith - GODless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Clueless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2006, 12:12 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Even the worst four-letter words are boring and predictable when used as an insult. Don't be a lazy linguist. Brush up on your Shakespeare!
Thou damned tripe-visaged rascal!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire!
You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!
Thou art a very ragged wart!
Viperous worm that gnaws the bowels!
Pernicious bloodsucker of sleeping men!
You are all recreants and dastards!
A pox of wrinkles!
I could brain him with his lady's fan!
You mad mustachio purple-hued maltworm!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2006, 12:19 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Dr. Lee Berk of the Loma Linda School of Public Health in California discovered that laughing increases the body's antibodies and T cells, which help fight off infection and alien bacteria.
Dr. William Fry of Standord University says that laughing 200 times will burn up the same amount of calories as ten minutes on a rowing machine.
Does that make Dumb and Dumber a workout video?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-11-2006, 12:25 PM:
Rated G
Two drunks wandered into a zoo and as they staggered past a lion's cage, the king of beasts let out a terrific roar. "C'mon, let's get out of here," said the first drunk.
"You go ahead if you want to," replied his more inebriated cohort. "I'm gonna stay for the movie!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 07:14 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 07:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
What Do You Get When You Cross...
A fawn with a hornet? Bambee.
A policeman with a telegram? Copper wire.
A canary with a mole? A miner bird.
A pig with a cactus? A porkerpine.
A cat with a lemon? A sourpuss.
A banana with a red silk dress? A pink slip...
A spider with a rabbit? A hare net.
A ham with a karate expert? Pork chops.
An owl with a goat? A hootenanny.
An Indian with a cow? Geronimoo.
A tiger with a needle? Pin stripes.
A termite with a house? An exterminator.
A dove with a high chair? A stool pigeon.
A tree with a baseball player? Babe Root.
A parrot with a centipede? A walkie-talkie.
A rabbit with a kilt? Hopscotch.
A dog with a daisy? A collie-flower.
A hummingbird with a doorbell? A humdinger.
A movie with a swimming pool? A dive-in theater.
A dog with a chicken? A hen that lays pooched eggs.
A kangaroo with a sheep? A wooly jumper.
A gorilla and a sheep? A very nice wool coat, except the sleeves are too long.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2006, 11:22 AM:
Rated G
"Always look out for number one--and be careful not to stop in number two."
~Rodney Dangerfield~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:29 AM:
Rated G
"The Grammy's were tonight. With all the stars and talent they were still able to pull off a dull show."
--Dave Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:31 AM:
Rated G
"American Idol actually did better in the ratings than the Grammy's. So people would rather see regular people do a bad job of singing than famous people do a good job of lip syncing."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:53 AM:
Rated G
MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS 101 ???
Since the black keys on a piano are the hardest to learn if you painted them white would it be easier to learn how to play the piano?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Was the piano invented just so the musician would have a place to put his beer?
Do you get an A flat minor if you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
Why do violinists put a cloth between their chin and their instrument? (Drool catcher)
Is it true that the difference between a guitar player and a mutual fund is that when a mutual fund matures IT starts making money?
Why do they call the item used to play a violin or fiddle a 'Bow' when it obviously doesn't even resemble one?
Do people who play the washboard think of it as playing an acoustic washing machine?
Why is a mute called a mute when you can still hear the music?
Why aren't there marching bands with kazoos and accordions?
If you buy a set of drums, will there be repercussions?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you always hear about organ donors but there's nary a mention of piano donors?
What did bagpipers play before that guy wrote "Amazing Grace"?
If someone has a musical instrument, and noise comes out, does that make them a musician?
Can you fiddle with a violin?
~ Old John Boy~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:58 AM:
Rated G
"It was on this day in 1690 the first paper money in America was issued, which of course then led to the creation of the Republican Party. It was also on this day in 1913 that Congress was granted the right to levy taxes on your income, which, of course, led to the creation of the Democratic Party."
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 09:59 AM:
Rated G
Valentines Day in Years Past
Jack Benny [Benjamin Kubelski] was born on Feb 14, 1894 in Waukegan IL.
Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters leader who disappeared, in 1975 was born on Feb.14, 1913.
Arizona became the 48th state on Feb 14, 1912.
Thomas Watson founded IBM CORPORATION on Feb 14, 1924.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 10:01 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Thinking outside the box
The task is not to see what no one else has seen before, but to think thoughts, no one has thought before, about things everyone sees.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-14-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of life.
~ William A. Ward
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:38 AM:
Rated G B.B.
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:48 AM:
Rated G Maggie
There are two ways of being rich. One is to have all you want and the other is to be satisfied with what you have.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 09:53 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Sign in a bakery window; "Because of inflation the name of pumpernickel bread has been changed to pumperdime."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 10:05 AM:
Rated G
The reason "Dieting Makes You Fat!" is because it takes a whole pound of Godivas and a quart of milk to wash the taste of a single Slim-Fast drink out of your mouth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 10:12 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"If You Love Someone"
Pessimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... if she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was.
Optimist: If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.
Suspicious: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.
Impatient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back soon forget her.
Patient: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...
Playful: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
Animal-Rights Activist: If you love someone, Set her free ... In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
Lawyers: If you love someone, Set her free ... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a- 1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...
Bill Gates: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and but tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
Statisticians: If you love someone, Set her free ... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
Schwarzenegger's fans: If you love someone, Set her free ... SHE'LL BE BACK!
Over possessive person: If you love someone don't set her free.
Psychologist: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back her super ego is dominant. If she doesn't come back her id is supreme. If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
Finance expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back its time to look at fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
Marketing Expert: If you love someone set her free. If she comes back that's brand loyalty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 10:19 AM:
Rated G Chris
George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.!
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50
and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You've built up so much speed that you ! HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our e! ntire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:23 PM:
Rated G
"I'm on that new Japanese diet."
"How does it work?"
"You're only allowed to use one chopstick."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:37 PM:
Rated G B.B.
THIS TOWN IS SO SMALL...
The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.
Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.
McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.
The phone book has only one page.
The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.
The New Year's baby was born in October.
The ZIP code is a fraction.
The city limits signs are both on the same post.
Second Street is in the next town over.
There's no place to go that you shouldn't.
A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.
The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2006, 03:39 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the genitalia on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out," ...and cold,too!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 08:58 AM:
Rated G Betsy
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 09:05 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Federal Express had a terrific obstacle to overcome: They had to convince people that anything with the word "Federal" in it could be speedy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 09:07 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Wouldn't it be great if the fellow who states, "I'm not used to making a speech," would leave it at that instead of going on to prove it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 09:10 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair.
He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 09:25 AM:
Rated G Gerry
How many parents who spend thousands of dollars on their son's college education get only a quarterback for their trouble?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 12:20 PM:
Rated G Ken
Little kids in a supermarket buy cereal the way men buy lingerie. They get stuff they have no interest in just to get the prize inside.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:00 PM:
Rated G
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:17 PM:
Rated G
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:22 PM:
Rated PG
The Late Show with J. Letterman Carson!!
We got a wild crowd tonight. You sound like you might be upset over some cartoons.
Actually, we have a guest cartoonist from Denmark on our show tonight and...where's everybody going?
Are you watching the Olympics? Nobody?
First Michelle Kwan withdrew from the figure-skating competition and now Dick Cheney has withdrawn from the shooting competition.
You're the first to know. He didn't bother with the press.
I was watching some replays on NBC and..you know.. starting to really get into the slow-motion action when I heard the announcer mention something about the snow here in Utah. How old are these replays?
Did you hear the Saddam tapes? Those from the '90's? Apparently he was once accidentally shot by Dick Cheney and slapped by Tony Blair for not doing his homework.
And that cackling in the background..Chemical Ali!
Did you hear that Lou Ferrigno, the Hulk, is now a police officer in Los Angeles? He's promised to try and control his temper but only if people will leave off that old joke about him eating Bill Bixby.
Biggest surprise at the Winter Olympics? I think it has to be Ted Williams winning the Luge without a sled.
Goodnight Ladies and gentleman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:40 PM:
Rated G
Actual headlines.......
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Deer Kill 17,328
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-19-2006, 01:43 PM:
Rated G
~ Quick Quotes ~
Save a cow - eat a vegetarian.
"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
---Douglas Adams
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
--Jay Leno
"Today is the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie. I can't help but think that, in a thousand years when they dig up this civilization, all they're going to find are Twinkies and free CDs from AOL."
--Jimmy Kimmel
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 08:56 AM:
Rated G
"Mismatched Couple Descriptions"
1. He's a chiropractor, and she is a pain in the neck.
2. He's a funny old goat, and she's a great kidder.
3. He doesn't have a dollar, and she has no sense.
4. He sells balloons for a living, and she's full of hot air.
5. He's bow-legged, and she's as straight as an arrow.
6. She's a math teacher, and he's a guy with a lot of problems.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:02 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Did you know that by simply telling a joke you are exercising 72 different muscles in your neck, throat, mouth, and tongue?
Laughing uses over 100 muscles. No wonder some people say they "laughed 'till they hurt."
They just had a workout without even realizing it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:13 PM:
Rated G Chris
Planning a Christmas weekend of entertaining guests, I made a list of things I needed to do, including taking food out of the freezer and grocery shopping. As it happened, a friend whom I had been promising to take to lunch asked if we could make it that Friday.
So, hopping into the car, I taped my "to do" list to the dashboard and went and picked her up.
As she settled into the car, her face dropped. "Thanks a lot!" she sulked.
Then I glanced at my list and saw the first item: "Take out the Turkey."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:14 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Now they have a jigsaw puzzle for people you don't like. None of the pieces fit and the four corners are missing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:23 PM:
Rated G Diana
Mobiles phones are the only subject on which men boast who's got the smallest.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:26 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-20-2006, 01:36 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Our dog, Brandy, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m. Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the back yard for what might have disturbed this otherwise placid animal. For three mornings in a row he found nothing amiss.
Then the dog woke up the neighborhood again at 3 a.m. with frantic barking. When Larry looked out the window, he discovered someone throwing pebbles to land near Brandy.
Larry hurried outside and confronted the culprit. Crouching on the other side of the fence was our very quiet neighbor, the last man you'd suspect of wrong doing. My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed neighbor explained. "She said If she loses her beauty sleep one more night, she says she'll leave."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
People are like trees. Some are destined to be pillars, others are destined to be toilet paper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:10 PM:
Rated G B.B.
There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:11 PM:
Rated G B.B.
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. . .
My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it . . . almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter--either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:23 PM:
Rated G
The Late Show With J. Letterman Carson!!
Wow! You're a loud group tonight. Are your feet cold? It's a cold day.
(How cold is it?)
It was so cold in Manhattan today, I saw a squirrel in Central Park trying to thaw out it's nuts.
(Groan)
It was so cold this morning that NBC News showed a bunch of bums at Washington Square warming their hands over a well-digger's ass.
Today is Lincoln's birthday. In recognition, Dick Cheney went to a theatre and fired off a few rounds.
Did you celebrate? We did in college. We celebrated Millard Fillmore's birthday too, come to think about it. In fact, we celebrated every president and vice-president and their lobbyist's birthday.
We have a lady on our show tonight that can whistle through her feet. Wonderful. She can also do duck calls with her armpits but we're afraid the VP might drop by so that's out.
The new Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is out. Sperm banks are asking for help as donations are way down.
Did you see where Greenpeace gave Dick Cheney an award for missing that quail?
Wayne Gretzsky finally admitted that he knew his wife had been betting on sports. He said he didn't really know how bad it was until she blew a thousand bucks on the lawyer being shot. She had Sheehan.
56-year-old George Foreman wants to get back into the ring. Did you hear about that? He announced today that his ring card girl will be Janet Reno. I'm sorry, he announced that his first OPPONENT will be Janet Reno.
Anyone going to New orleans for Mardi Gras? It will be toned down this year. Floats have been outlawed.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:25 PM:
Rated G B.B.
My eighty-year-old lady friend is still a bowler. Recently she bowled three strikes. One was even in her lane!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:31 PM:
Rated G popo
The Web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:37 PM:
Rated G alanv71
WHAT DO YOU CALL...
A constipated muslim?
Mustapha Cacka.
A one-legged muslim?
Ballan Singh.
A karaoke muslim?
Gerupta Singh.
A muslim with bacon on his head?
Hammed
A muslim with 3 slices of bacon on his head?
Mohammed....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:46 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"According to a study, they found common words used by happy people are, joy, love and hopeful. And they also found common words used by other people to describe happy people. Annoying, irritating, obnoxious..."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:47 PM:
Rated G Popo
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 12:58 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Judy went to a "Dude Ranch" on vacation. The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle.
Judy asked what the difference was.
"Well, one has a horn and the other doesn't."
"Just get the one without the horn. I don't think we'll run into too much traffic out here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-21-2006, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a
cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends ...you know you want to!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:11 AM:
Rated G
The Late Show With J. Letterman Carson:
Sorry I was a little late. There were some rats having a snowball fight outside. Also, a No Smoking sign apparently fell on some people down the street.
Did you have a nice Lincoln's Birthday yesterday? Get off work?
Actually I had forgotten about yesterday being Lincoln's birthday until I noticed my cab driver wearing a stove-pipe turban.
Did you catch that Britt Hume interview. No, I mean with the remains of John Wilkes Booth? I thought he was preety soft with the questions.
With all the shooting news, a lot of newspeople forgot about Valentine's Day. President Bush got Laura a nice box of chocolates. He was outside the White House sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus.
Riots are getting worse in the Mideast. That's according to the Cartoon Network.
Yesterday, they kidnapped Hank Hill. Also, some propane and propane accessories of mass destruction are missing.
Apparently there was a near-riot at a New Jersey nursing home yesterday. You hear about it? It seems the residents heard on TV in the dayroom that the hockey season could be cancelled again.
Saddam has cancelled his hunger strike. Instead, he's going on the Beverly Hills Diet. Look for him on their commercials.
Wayne Gretzsky's still skating around questions about gambling on sports. He's just referring people to his lawyer, Pete Rose.
The President of Egypt has put off the election there once again. According to the latest reports, a third party has been organized and will run some guy named Ralph Nasser.
The President says he's still satisfied with Dick Cheney and will quail hunt with the VP anytime he asks. Actually the whole White House staff will begin quail hunting this year. That's to get them ready for next year's projected "Guantanamo Release".
We'll be right back...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:16 AM:
Rated G alanv71
Some websites that aren't what they seem...
www.childsexpress.com
www.goredfoxes.com
www.cumstore.co.uk
www.northerngasheating.com
www.penisland.org
www.analemma.com
www.cummingfirst.com
And finally.....
www.molestationnursery.com which changed it's address to
www.molerivernursery.com
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Adolescence: The period when children are certain they will never be as dumb as their parents.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 08:32 AM:
Rated G
Immigration men are knowledgeable. They are pretty clever guys. This one fellow in particular has a little trick. He asks: "What's your nationality"
"American."
"American, huh? Do you know the words of "The Star Spangled Banner?"
"No, I don't."
"You're an American; go in."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 11:56 AM:
Rated PG Hot Mama
Rejected Titles for "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN"
PRANCES WITH WOLVES
JEREMIAH'S JOHNSON
BUTCH ASSIDY AND THE BUNDANCE KID
THE MAN WHO SHOT ALL OVER LIBERTY VALANCE
HOW THE WEST WAS HUNG
THE LEGEND OF THE LONG RANGER
DOC'S HOLIDAY WITH BILLY THE KID
LONESOME DOUG
DESTRY RIDES AGAIN... AND AGAIN
MCCABE AND MR. MILLER
HI, PLAINS DRIFTER!
THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN INCHES
QUICKLY DOWN UNDER
BAREBACK MOUNTING
BONE-NANZA
DON'T MESS WITH TEX' ASS
HOME ON THE RANGER
OKLAHOMO
ROOSTER COCKBURN
LITTLE BATHHOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE
BALONEY PONY RODEO
TUBESTEAK COWBOYS
SILVER-ROD-Ohhh!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 11:58 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Growing up as a kid, I learned all about capitalism through the board game Monopoly. I mean, what better way to teach a young mind the way our economy functions. I loved this game and still do. Only now, as an adult I have some questions that remain unanswered.
For instance, if I have all this money and own all this real estate...why am I still driving around in a thimble?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:09 PM:
Rated G Lulu
After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself.
A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order.
"I don't know if it's good news or bad," she said, "but your headstone is ready."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:20 PM:
Rated PG AlanV
A young man runs away to join the circus. The owner asks him what can you do?
'I can be hit over the head with an iron bar and not feel it, go ahead and try'
The owner is a bit sceptical but he decides to try the young man out and picks up a hefty iron bar.
'WHAM!!!!!!'
and the young man falls down unconscious so the owner gets him to hospital. Feeling guilty he sits with the man who is in a deep coma.
3 weeks later the young man's eyes open.........
'TA-DAAAAAAA!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:25 PM:
Rated G Ralph
The Meaning of Service
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."
"It's the act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations
Then I became confused about the word "service " This is not what I thought "service" meant.
So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service " a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.
I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:33 PM:
Rated G
Miss Confused: “Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?”
Operator: “I am sorry, I do not understand who you are talking about."
Miss Confused: “On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:35 PM:
Rated G Lulu
I was commuting from the Borough of Queens to my job in Manhattan. I'd finished reading the morning paper and was saving it to bring to friends on the job. How do you save a newspaper on the subway? You sit on it.
A new commuter came in, saw the newspaper under my rear end and asked the second most stupid question I've ever heard, "Are you reading that paper?"
I stood up, turned the page, sat right back down on the paper and answered,
"Yes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2006, 12:41 PM:
Rated G
Women reading Vogue magazine about the latest fashions to come off the Paris runway is the same as you men looking at naked women in Playboy.
We're both looking at places we're never going to visit.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 07:11 PM:
Rated G Quirk
Researchers studying current obesity patterns say that by the year 2230 100% of the population will be overweight.
The good news is, if you are fat already, you're ahead of your time.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 07:30 PM:
Rated G B.B.
The little cabbage in the field was consulting its mother about life. "Life," said the mother "is a gamble; you've got to withstand storms, drought, wind, animals -- not to mention bugs, lice, mold, rot. But, if you don't give up, you'll thrive and grow."
"Life certainly is a gamble," agreed the little cabbage, "but there's one thing you haven't made clear: when do I quit growing?"
"As in any gamble," said Mama Cabbage, "quit when you're a head!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2006, 08:18 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Outside the store a young man with a baby and a four-year-old was struggling to get inside.
A well-dressed woman opened the door for him. "Thank you," he said. "I guess chivalry is not dead."
"No," replied the woman.
"It just changed hands."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 10:59 AM:
Rated G
"According to a Cosmo poll, 13 percent of all men admit they've tried on a bra. The sad part, 43 percent of American men actually need one."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:00 AM:
Rated G Gerry
There are three kinds of persons: successful, unsuccessful, and those who present seminars to the second about how the first do it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:07 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Varicose veins are the result of an improper selection of grandparents."
--William Osler
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:20 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Three Things In Life:
Three things in life that, once gone, never come back: Time, Words & Opportunity
Three things in life that may never be lost: Peace, Hope & Honesty.
Three things in life that are most valuable: Love, Self-confidence & Friends
Three things in life that are never certain: Dreams, Success & Fortune
Three things that make a man: Hard work, Sincerity & Commitment
Three things in life that can destroy a man: Wine, Pride & Anger.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2006, 11:29 AM:
Rated G Hot Mama
"I found myself utterly depressed the other day and spent the entire afternoon listening to Celine Dion records... at least that's what I thought I was doing. Turns out the cat had just fallen into the dryer and was trying to get out."
--Julian Clary
"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you."
--Adam Christing
"There's an old saying - There's No Place Like Home. Well, I went in the house next door, and it was very, very similar."
--Geoffrey Parfitt
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I was baby-sitting my friend's five-year-old son, Jason, and had just served dinner.
He finished all his sausages, then just sat pushing the mashed potatoes around on the plate with a fork. When he asked for dessert, I told him he had to finish his dinner first. He climbed down from his chair and went into the living room, so I followed.
"What's wrong with the potatoes?" I asked.
"I think there are too many ingredients," he said. "They're yuckie."
"Which ingredient do you think made them taste yuckiest?" I asked.
"Hmm," he pondered. "I think it was the cement."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:25 AM:
Rated G
According to a poll in Esquire magazine, the color most women find sexiest on a guy is blue.
To which Anna Nicole Smith said -- 'I love it when guys turn blue!'
-- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:36 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My son Sam had taken over our old home and converted it into apartments.
When the street was torn up to be repaved, I found my old yard was easier to walk on than dodging the road debris on my daily trip to the post office.
One of Sam's tenants complained to him that an old man was walking across the lawn every day.
Sam laughed. "It's probably the same old man who told me to get the grass cut."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 11:49 AM:
Rated G Anonymous Author
Nadine: They now say overeating is as unhealthy as smoking.
Jill: Yes, but no one ever died from second hand obesity.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 02:44 PM:
Rated G
"Gravity cannot be held responsible for two people falling in love."
-- Albert Einstein
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-02-2006, 03:32 PM:
Rated G
How do these people survive?
Recently,when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the
counter.
"You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
****
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart wi th just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.After the girl had scanned all of my items,she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.Not finding the bar code she said to me,"Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today."
She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
****
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy
drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number,so she was using the ATM "thingy."
****
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping be side her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked.
She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door,I replied,
"Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries.
It's a long walk."
****
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One
day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said,"I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of
paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
"blank" copies.
****
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
****
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working,the suspect confessed.
****
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine.
The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....
Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
Life is tough.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:50 AM:
Rated G
"Today was the big final day of Mardi Gras. The drinking, the naked women, the partying all night. Or as Bode Miller called it, 'Olympic training.'"
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 08:55 AM:
Rated G Gerry
While it may be bad to talk when your mouth is full, it's worse if your head is empty.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 09:17 AM:
Rated G
"It's Mardi Gras in New Orleans. Everybody has Mardi Gras fever. I was watching the 'Today' show earlier today and Tom Cruise was lecturing Matt Lauer about jambalaya."
--David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-03-2006, 09:48 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Stand up to be seen; speak up to be heard; shut up to be appreciated.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2006, 01:57 PM:
Rated G Lulu
A scientist found, to his great surprise, that he was lactose intolerant (unable to digest milk sugar). At dinner that night with his two young daughters (age 9 and 4 years), he mentioned that he had found out that he was lactose intolerant and tried to explain to them what that meant.
A couple of months later, he took the kids to a local restaurant for a quick breakfast before shopping. The place was very busy, but the quality of the food and service were obviously not up to par. When they finally got their breakfast, his youngest daughter took a look at her father's omelet and burnt toast and declared very loudly to the waitress "My Daddy can't eat that toast, he is black toast intolerant."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:06 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While walking along a road one night Greek philosopher Thales of Miletus, intently studying the stars, suddenly fell into an open well.
Fortunately, a servant girl heard his desperate cries and came to his rescue. Having pulled him out, she noted that, such was his desire to understand what lay above his head, he had failed to observe what lay before his feet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 08:32 AM:
Rated G B.B.
How do babies get their belly buttons?
When God finishes making little babies, He lines them all up in a row. Then he walks along in front of them. He pokes each one in the tummy with his finger and says, “You’re done...you’re done... you’re done...”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2006, 04:31 PM:
Rated G
Last month the UN was organizing a worldwide opinion poll
They asked 1 question:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about the sollution for the shortage of food in the rest of the world ?"
The poll turned into a disaster because in Africa they didn't know what "food" was.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" was.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" was.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" was.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "sollution" was.
In South America they didn't know what "please" was.
In the USA they didn't know what "rest of the world" was...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 07:48 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
When I was a reporter, I spent several years covering the police courts.
One day I was walking down a hallway with an attorney, engrossed in a discussion on a point of law. When he opened a door and walked through, I followed, preoccupied with the matter we had been debating.
Suddenly, he stopped. "Can I ask you something?" he asked.
"Sure," I replied.
"Do you really think you should be in the men's washroom?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 08:54 AM:
Rated G Spaz
You're No Longer "Cool" When...
You listen to talk radio.
You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
You actually ASK for your father's advice.
You don't know how to operate a fax machine.
When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf-board.
You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group, not a corporation.
You turn down free tickets to a concert because you have to work the next day.
You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your kid's new running shoes.
When jogging is something you do to your memory.
Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.
All the cars behind you flash their headlights.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 09:45 AM:
Rated G Spaz
From the very moment we were born, we are dying.
So why sweat the small stuff?
Learn to accept things for face value and enjoy life.
Cherish every moment as though it were your last because this is your last time you will see today.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 09:49 AM:
Rated PG-13 Wild Child
New Version Of The Good, The Bad And The Ugly
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
***
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
***
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-08-2006, 01:02 PM:
Rated G...
Boudreaux and Thibodeaux from Louisiana got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck, Boudreaux asked Thibodeaux, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 01:29 PM:
Rated G
A friend of mine never realized how beat-up his truck looked until the stormy night he ran out of gas and pulled over to the curb.
A lady stopped her car and ran over--to ask if he had been injured in the accident.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 01:34 PM:
Rated G
My husband, Daryl, a cabinetmaking instructor, is often teased by his supervisor about his ponytail.
"What are you going to do if you ever get that thing caught in the circular drill press?"
Daryl immediately replied, "Have a quick look around the room?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 02:12 PM:
Rated G
"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving."
Steven Wright--
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-08-2006, 02:33 PM:
Rated G
WORDS THAT REALLY SHOULD EXIST
Ramdumbtious - Cross between being rowdy and not too bright.
Randumb - A foot chase gone bad.
Rawsome - The awesome health benefits of eating raw foods.
Rawtarian - A person that eats only raw foods.
Realicious - Really delicious.
Recomember - Recall; retain in the mind.
Refunable - Something you enjoyed so much you'd happily do it again.
Re-mail - An e-mail that has probably already made the rounds once, but you think it is worth a second look.
Rememberize - Remembering and memorizing.
Repettyettyettyettyettyettitive - When you repeat something so much that you can't stop.
Richpublican - A Republican candidate for office.
Roomatism - Desk clerk malady.
Rowdeo - A canoe paddling competition.
Rundezvous - Running late for a meeting.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 08:27 AM:
Rated G Chris
For those unfamiliar, Welfare payments are made in the US to individuals and families with income below a level. The following quotations are taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department in applications for support of receiving payments.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 08:33 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day, the temperature was hovering around -20 degrees, I was in the supermarket when a gentleman with an unusual accent asked for directions to the produce department. As I tried to place the accent, I asked him how he liked the weather. "It's nice," he said. "Like back home."
Then I asked him where home was.
"Siberia," he replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 08:45 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
If you're being run out of town, get in front of the crowd and make it look like a parade.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 09:22 AM:
Rated G Hot Mama
I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for beetles?" I asked the clerk.
"No," he replied. "It'll kill 'em."
"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con- fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his sleeves?"
--Joan Rivers
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."
--Jonathan Katz
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 09:35 AM:
Rated G Bruce
"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
--- Homer Simpson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 10:23 AM:
Rated G
Chinese Switchboard:
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan, and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know U are someone and U want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 10:26 AM:
Rated
Things to Say to Ruin a Date
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 08:52 PM:
Rated G
At the Land Titles Office, titles are arranged according to their legal description: the lot, block, town or city name and plan number.
Some people wanting titles often just give us their address, which was the case in one letter we received from a lady.
We wrote back asking her to give us a legal description.
A few days later, we received her reply. "I am 24 years old, five foot five, blonde hair...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2006, 09:02 PM:
Rated G Spaz
Little Known Knights of the Round Table
Sir Charge..............Royal mail order clerk
Sir Lee.................Royal bureaucrat
Sir Loin................Royal butcher
Sir Mise................Royal detective
Sir Mount...............Royal mountain climber
Sir Plus................Royal supply officer
Sir Press...............Royal censor
Sir Prize...............Royal tactician
Sir Render..............Royal tactician (retired)
Sir Round...............Royal moat builder
Sir Vey.................Royal surveyor
Sir Vive................Royal adventurer
Sir John................Royal doctor
Sir Jerry...............Royal medical advisor
Sir Osis................Royal brewmaster
Sir Cumference..........Designer of the Round Table
Sir Face-tension........The knight who could walk on water
Sir Reptitious..........Used to sneak up to the other knights and say "BOO"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:10 AM:
Rated G Betsy
A box of candy means friendship, a bunch of flowers means love, but a diamond means business.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:38 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Maybe carrots will give me strong, sharp eyes, but what if they also give me long floppy ears?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 07:41 AM:
Rated G B.B.
MORE GOOD GROANERS
Boxers never sleep in. They like to get up before ten.
Is it okay to get lip service at the cosmetic shop?
If you made a boat out of stone, would it be a hardship?
Do exotic dancers need dress rehearsals?
If you ride in a small, cramped airplane, do you suffer jet leg?
My daughter studies her arithmetic all the time. She's a real mathochist.
Is a Certified Public Accountant merely a figurehead?
Is bulldozing another word for falling asleep during a political speech?
~ edited by M. Raymond~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"A friend is one of the nicest things you can have, and one of the best things you can be."
--Douglas Pagels
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2006, 08:27 AM:
Rated G
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
- Beryl Pfizer
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:21 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Going to the front desk of New York's exclusive Pierre Hotel, Mr. Mendelbaum requested some stationery.
The clerk asked, "Are you a guest at the hotel?"
Mr. Mendelbaum snapped indignantly, "No, I am not a guest. I am paying $300 a day!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:41 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Honey just might be the pre-exercise energy source.
Honey has been found as a better pre-exercise carbohydrate than other sweet treats used to energize, such as candy and soft drinks.
Studies show that eating as little as 3 tablespoons of honey an hour before you workout can keep you from losing steam during your workout.
Honey seems to give you more energy flow than other sugars do.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2006, 11:46 AM:
Rated G
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'"
- Isaac Asimov
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:31 PM:
Rated G Betsy
The frustrating thing about getting old is seeing expensive antiques and remembering items just like them that you threw away.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:32 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Speaker to an audience of doctors. This is the first time I have ever addressed an audience of doctors, so I've tried to do some of the things my mother told me before going to the doctor. Put on clean underwear.....try to look poor....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2006, 09:36 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Some Great Malapropisms..."
"I don't want anybody stepping on anyone else's thunder."
"You can't pull the sheep over my eyes!"
"I don't mean to take the steam out of your sails, but...."
"I used to be as sharp as a button."
"That way I can kill two bricks with one stone."
"If my grandfather was alive today, he'd be turning in his grave."
"You can't teach an old leopard how to change its spots."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 08:36 PM:
Rated G
THE WIT AND THE WISDOM OF HOMER J. SIMPSON
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'"
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two,'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 08:57 PM:
Rated G
WORLD'S THINNEST BOOKS[/b]
FRENCH WAR HEROES by Jacques Chirac
HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda
MY BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS by Dan Marino
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE by Osama Bin Laden With a foreword by Old Saddam (What's his name)
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
MY WILD YEARS by Al Gore
AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS Anonymous
DETROIT: a Travel Guide
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES by Dr. J. Kevorkian
ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE by Ellen de Generes
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE by Mike Tyson
SPOTTED OWL RECIPES by the EPA
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
BRIDGE TRAVEL by Ted Kennedy
And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2006, 09:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."
His friend replies, "How's that?"
"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 07:53 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter is a member of the same sailing club as the host of a popular early-morning radio program. One evening at the club, she suggested to him that more frequent time checks should be given. "I get so interested in the people you're interviewing that I get frozen in time," she told him. "Then I suddenly realize I'm going to be late for work, because I'm still in the tub and it's 7:30."
The next morning, listeners to the program, including my daughter, were startled to hear this unusual time check following the news, sports and weather: "That brings the time to 7:15. Alice, get out of the bathtub."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:12 AM:
Rated G Hot Mama
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags. He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?" he asked.
"Actually," the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:21 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A botanist claimed to have discovered a nomadic tree in the African jungle - apparently it just packs up its trunk and leaves.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:22 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Tidbits of Wit
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:28 AM:
Rated G Andrew
You can't take it with you. If you could hearses would come with roof racks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:31 AM:
Rated G Diana
Want to know why housework serves no purpose? Because it isn't what you do in a house that shows, it's what you don't do that everyone notices.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:46 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day I tried to reach my dad, a real charmer with the ladies, at his raquetball club. I gave a description of him to the receptionist, but she didn't recognize him.
Then I gave her his name, but she didn't know him.
I gave it one more try: "He's probably told you that you're the most beautiful woman in the world." She laughed and said, "I'll go get him."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 08:47 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Just Think About This!
"Some people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"
"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."
"The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!"
"Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 02:19 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'll be a mile away and you'll have his shoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 02:54 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter"?
Stephen Wright
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2006, 03:14 PM:
Rated G
Why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said the do-gooder.
'It's too late,' replied Murphy.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous one.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Murphy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 07:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too."
~~Peter De Vries
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 07:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"The New Age? It's just the old age stuck in a microwave oven for fifteen seconds."
~~James Randi
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:02 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Sign's Location...What The Sign Says
Maternity Clothes Shop - We are open on Labor Day.
Non-smoking area - If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Front Door - Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
Optometrist's Office - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Taxidermist Window - We really know our stuff.
Podiatrist's Window - Time wounds all heels.
Muffler Shop - No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Sign on Fence - Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
Car Dealership - The best way to get back on your feet...miss a car payment.
In an office - We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
Garbage Truck - We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Computer Store - Out for a quick byte
Diner Window - Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley - Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria - Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library - Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home - Drive carefully, we'll wait.
Electricians Truck - Let us remove your shorts.
Butcher's Window - Pleased to meat you.
Veterinarians Waiting Room - Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Don't let your worries get the best of you... remember, Moses started out as a basket case."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:54 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my, could I be eating a fish from here!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 08:55 AM:
Rated G Betsy
They know, they just know where to grow, how to dupe you, and how to camouflage themselves among the perfectly respectable plants, they just know, and therefore, I've concluded weeds must have brains.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 09:00 AM:
Rated G
"According to officials at the Social Security office, more and more parents are naming their children after cars. This past year there were 353 girls named Lexus and 25 girls named Infiniti. You know who I feel sorry for? The 3 girls named Hummer."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 09:01 PM:
Rated G
Tequila and Salt
This should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it every day. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-19-2006, 09:21 PM:
Rated G
Definition of a Friend
A friend should be radical; They should love you when you're unlovable,
Hug you when you're unhuggable, And bear you when you're unbearable.
A friend should be fanatical; They should cheer when the whole world boos,
Dance when you get good news, And cry when you cry, too.
But most of all - a friend should be mathematical. They should multiply the joy, Divide the sorrow, Subtract the past, And add tomorrow, Calculate the need deep in your heart, And always be bigger than the sum of all their parts.
~ Author Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 06:53 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My friend and I were discussing where on our bodies would be the best place to apply the weight-loss patch we were trying. Her husband, who overheard our conversation, suggested, "Your mouths."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 06:56 AM:
Rated G
At the riding school I ran, getting 12 rambunctious ten- to 14- year-old girls and ten horses and ponies to a horse show could be difficult, and everyone had a job to do. Several girls were in charge of the multitude of saddles, bridles, saddle pads and sundry pieces of equipment. Then came the checklists. Despite our best efforts, never a Sunday went by without the cry "I forgot the...."
Turning a truck and trailer around on country roads to retrieve the forgotten item is tricky, and this Saturday I was determined to be perfect. We checked the lists twice. But just after we started out, I heard, "We forgot the..."
In exasperation I interrupted, "Whoever forgot it will not go today!"
"But you forgot to load the ponies," they cried.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 07:17 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Summer camps are places that are staffed by seventeen-year-old counselors, which is amusing. You wouldn't trust them with your car, but with your kids it's okay.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
~Steven Wright~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 08:19 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear. "My dad owns a liquor store."
~Mark Klein~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:09 PM:
Rated G
As one antique dealer admitted to another, theirs was a strange way of making a living.
"In what other business," she asked, "do grandparents buy something, parents sell it, and children buy it again?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:12 PM:
Rated G
When you offer a sincere compliment to your spouse, child, or someone else you love, it gives them a reputation to live up to, in a positive way. It encourages them to shine in your eyes, and it's a way of telling them you appreciate and love them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:17 PM:
Rated G
My boss, a bachelor, doesn't spend much time gardening, but he does make an effort to add some colour to the front of his property by planting some geraniums.
Once, after leaving the office, he stopped at the gardening center and bought several of the red beauties.
When he arrived home, he decided it wouldn't take long to plant them, so, in suit and tie, he found his trowel and set to work. Halfway through his effort, he glanced up and spotted his neighbor smiling at him.
"What's so funny?" Abe asked.
"I see you're planting a formal garden this year," his neighbor replied.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:31 PM:
Rated G
On my way to a store in another city with my three young children in the car, I got lost.
The children were becoming restless and finally I begged:
"Kids, please behave. Isn't it bad enough that I'm lost?"
Five-year-old Walter then directed all his attention to helping me find my way. Suddenly his face lit up. "Mom, look, we're not lost. There's a McDonald's!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:38 PM:
Rated G Quirk
I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:39 PM:
Rated G
My younger sister and I are both fond of gardening.
One evening we were digging up some black cherry tree seedlings in our parents' yard to transplant in our own yards. As we came upon a seedling larger than the rest, my sister said: "You go ahead and take that one.
You don't have as much time left as I do to watch it grow."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:42 PM:
Rated G
"Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath."
Arnold H. Glasow
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:46 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Sitting around the breakfast table, Sam turned to his brother Michael and said, "You know what Judy told me last night in the car?"
"No"
Sam frowned. "Hey, you were listening!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:54 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 03:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
(Ogden Nash, "Song of the Open Road," 1933)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2006, 05:10 PM:
Rated G Sally
" Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clear through. "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 08:39 AM:
Rated G Vicky
There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us.
I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 10:30 AM:
Rated G Laws Of Life
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.(works every time)
Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they stop making it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:49 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Love may make the world go round, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy."
Donald Zochert
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Andrew
It's an odd fact: science has enabled manufacturers to produce a sixty-cent soft drink which will last for decades, but a $20,000 car still rots in just five years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 02:58 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"According to a survey in the paper today, 10 percent of all workers had a drink on company time to celebrate St. Patrick's Day. Everybody drank at work. Not a good day to go in for lasik eye surgery."
--Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:08 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they'd tip."
--Robert Orben
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:14 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
When you go to prison they take away your shoelaces so you can't kill yourself. I wouldn't know how to kill myself with shoelaces. You'd have to be the McGyver of killing yourself.
~Mark Farrell~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"The solution to adult problems tomorrow depends on large measure upon how our children grow up today."
--Margaret Mead
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2006, 03:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Things you don't want to hear at a Tattoo Parlor
"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
"We're all out of red, so I used pink."
"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"
"Sorry, Ma'am, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
"Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
"I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect."
"Oops ... "
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:05 PM:
Rated G Betsy
One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:06 PM:
Rated G Maggie
Sometimes love is better put into hugs than into words.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:15 PM:
Rated G
"I quit flying years ago. I don't want to die with tourists."
Billy Bob Thornton
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:16 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog."
Harry S. Truman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:22 PM:
Rated G
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. "I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me."
"Was that not love?" his friend asks.
"No," he replies. "That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn't understand me."
"Was that not love?"
"No," he replies. "That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 12:33 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Two philosophers were sitting at a restaurant, discussing whether or not there was a difference between misfortune and disaster.
"There is most certainly a difference," said one. "If the cook suddenly died and we couldn't have our dinner, that would be a misfortune, but certainly not a disaster.
On the other hand, if a cruise ship carrying the Congress were to sink in the middle of the ocean, that would be a disaster, but by no stretch of the imagination would it be a misfortune."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2006, 02:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
DAFFYNITIONS: (words that sound like groups of other words
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician's garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 09:28 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Before resolving to jog five miles a day, visit a cardiologist to have your heart examined, a podiatrist to have your feet examined and a psychiatrist to have your head examined.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 09:29 AM:
Rated G Betsy
It was Alexander Graham Bell who invented the telephone, but it was the teenager who invented the busy signal.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 09:47 AM:
Rated G B .B.
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
- Dan
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 10:23 AM:
Rated G Maggie
Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:24 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
~Johnny Carson~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:27 PM:
Rated G
When I arrived home, I discovered my roommate, Heather, quite shaken. She had stapled an electric cord under the cabinet, with the cord plugged in, and had received quite a shock.
I told her that her story was about as dangerous a stunt as any I had heard, except for that day's report on the radio about a woman who had put a bag of garbage on her stove so the cat wouldn't get at it, and the bag had caught fire.
Heather was silent but had a strange look on her face. "That was my sister," she said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:30 PM:
Rated G
Question: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
Answer: To get away from the noise.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:40 PM:
Rated G Gerry
During the summer, employees learn how to deal with stress, while their managers are attending seminars to learn how to create it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:46 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
~Wendy Liebman~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 02:54 PM:
Rated G
"A new survey says that New Jersey is the most livable state in the U.S. The survey has a margin of error of 100 percent."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 03:30 PM:
Rated G
"I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'Woman'."
--Steven Wright
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 03:49 PM:
Rated G
"Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a Communist Plot."
--Edgar Bergen
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2006, 03:54 PM:
Rated G
Let me ask you something - if someone's lying, are their pants really on fire?
-~Jerry Seinfeld!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-23-2006, 05:36 PM:
Rated PG.....
After the tourist had been served a drink in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighborly, but where ah come from in Alabamer we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 03:42 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants."
Stephen King
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 03:48 PM:
Rated G B.B.
MY HOMETOWN WAS SO SMALL...
...the clinic was called Joe's Hospital and Grill
...in order to paint traffic lines, the road had to be widened
...you had to make a reservation to use the parking meter
...during snowstorms, salt was spread using a Salad Shooter
...the local Motel 6 actually only slept six
...during a boxing match, both men have to sit in the same corner
...the class valedictorian had both the highest and lowest GPA
...the Mayor was also the Sheriff, Town Council and street sweeper
...there was no town idiot -- everybody had to take turns
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:00 PM:
Rated G Gerry
What creature is faster than a cheetah? How about a teenager when the phone rings?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
SIGN ON A BEAUTY SHOP: 'For Easter, lettuce cut your hare.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:33 PM:
Rated G
"A new study says that obese people can lose weight if they walk 12 miles per week. As a result Applebee's is intro- ducing a new 12 mile long buffet."
--Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:40 PM:
Rated G
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make MUD.
~Rodney Dangerfield~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 04:45 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Did is a word of achievement,
Won't is a word of retreat,
Might is a word of bereavement,
Can't is a word of defeat,
Ought is a word of duty,
Try is a word each hour,
Will is a word of beauty,
Can is a word of power.
~ Unknown ~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 05:01 PM:
Rated G B.B.
REPLYING TO THE SCIENTISTS' BALL INVITATION
Pierre and Marie Curie were radiating enthusiasm.
Einstein thought it would be relatively easy to attend.
Volta was electrified and Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
Ampere was worried he wasn't up on current research.
Ohm resisted the idea at first.
Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
Edison thought it would be an illuminating experience.
Watt reckoned it would be a good way to let off steam.
Stephenson thought the whole idea was loco.
Wilbur Wright accepted,provided he and Orville could get a flight.
Dr. Jekyll declined...he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
Morse's reply:"I'll be there on the dot.Can't stop now must dash."
Heisenberg was uncertain if he could make it.
Hertz said he planned the future to attend with greater frequency.
Henry begged off due to a low capacity for alcohol.
Audubon said he'd have to wing it..
Darwin said he'd have to see what evolved.
Schrodinger had to take his cat to the vet, or did he?
Mendel was invited because he was a man of breeding.
Descartes said he'd think about it.
Newton was moved to attend.
Pavlov was drooling at the thought.
Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetic personality.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2006, 05:23 PM:
Rated G
Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.
You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
Our highways have become insane asylums with turn signals.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 07:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My brother asked an elderly friend of his, recently widowed, what she'd do now for transportation since she didn't know how to drive.
"Oh, I'll learn," she replied. "It'll be easy for me because I always told my husband what to do anyway."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 07:57 AM:
Rated G Andrew
I collect contradictory phrases such as postal service, peacekeeping missile and government worker.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 08:02 AM:
Rated G Quirk
There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 12:14 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"When you've seen a nude infant doing a backward somersault you know why clothing exists."
--Stephen Fry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2006, 02:53 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. You'll be happy to know that when I gave this speech to my secretary to be typed, I asked her to eliminate all that was on the dull side.
So, in conclusion....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2006, 07:10 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
In 1802, Timothy Dexter published a twenty-four page pamphlet (entitled "A Pickle for the Knowing Ones") entirely devoid of periods, commas, and other punctuation. In subsequent editions, in deference to demanding readers, Dexter agreed to add some punctuation.
There was, however, a small catch: rather than disperse punctuation throughout the text, the author had simply added an extra page containing nothing but punctuation, preceded by a short message:
"the nowing ones complane of my book the fust edition had no stops I put in a nuf here and thay may peper and solt it as they please"!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2006, 07:12 AM:
Rated G Maggie
Gossip is like mud thrown at a clean wall. It might not stick, but it always leaves a dirty mark.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2006, 11:43 AM:
Rated G
A study says motorists on cell phone are more stressed than motorists not on cell phones.
This raises an important sociological question.
There are motorists not on cell phones?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 10:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A prison inmate had his prosthetic leg confiscated after he used it in a brawl with another prisoner. When the inmate found out the authorities were taking away his leg, he was hopping mad.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 01:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 01:57 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Remember one thing---
Though the 'B' in debt is silent
It supplies the sting.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 01:59 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The cost of feathers has risen... Now even down is up!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:16 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Columbus traveled around the world at public expense and they called him an explorer. Today they would call him a congressman.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:18 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Remember, the famous response as to why something was done, because it was there, was meant for mountain climbing, not eating.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:39 PM:
Rated G Spaz
The Joy of almonds
Almonds have as much protein per ounce as red meat. Adding almonds into your diet has shown to help reduce the risk of heart attacks by as much as 50%. This result is due to the good-for- your-heart vitamin E found in almonds. Monounsaturated fats can decrease your bad LDL cholesterol levels and increase your good HDL cholesterol levels. Antioxidants help keep your arteries young.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:44 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The stock market has gotten so bad that you can actually hear the Dow Jones, Standard & Poor and the NASDAQ crying. They are calling this phenomenon the "Three Market Tears".
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:48 PM:
Rated G Cutie pa2ti
Q: How many American astronauts have walked on the moon?
A: Twelve, between July 1969 and December 1972.
In order of their lunar visits: Neil Armstrong, Edwin Aldrin, Charles Conrad, Alan Bean, Alan Shepard, Edgar Mitchell, David Scott, James Irwin, John Young, Charles Duke, Eugene Cernan and Harrison Schmitt.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:53 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Today for lunch I had a salad for my waistline, some brown rice for my cholesterol and a hot-fudge sundae for my sanity.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 02:59 PM:
Rated G Molly
Raising Boys
a) For those who have grown children, this is hysterical.
b) For those who have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:
Things I've learned from my boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 03:18 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises. Once when my wife and I stopped at a motel in Bucks County, PA., as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye. It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 03:23 PM:
Rated G
Some have been thought to be brave because they were afraid to run away.
- THOMAS FULLER -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 03:25 PM:
Rated G B.M.
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2006, 03:37 PM:
Rated G The Joker
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 06:48 AM:
Rated G
An off-ramp of a freeway in Long Beach, CA, has been torn up for years. Recently, someone put up a handmade sign reading... "Scientists tell us that the sun will burn out in one and a half billion years. It is sad that this contractor will have to finish working in the dark."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 06:58 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I have a friend who never has ups and downs. She always goes around in circles.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:00 AM:
Rated G Randy
~Car Company Names~
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
All Un-informed Drivers Insulted
All Unnecessary Devices Installed
BMW
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly
Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Dumb Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FORD
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
GM
General Maintenance
GMC
Garage Man's Companion
HONDA
Had One Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else.
Hated Old Noisy Damaged Auto
HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive?
MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along
OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment
SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:04 AM:
Rated G Vicky
Most of us would get along much better if we used some of the advice we give to others.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:25 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy."
--J.D.Salinger
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:31 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A little lie is like a little pregnancy. It doesn't take long before everyone knows!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 07:54 AM:
Rated G Quirk
A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 08:20 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Sam got a bill with a notation on it: "This bill is one year old."
He returned it with his own notation: "Happy Birthday!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 08:30 AM:
Rated R Michael
Two families moved from Pakistan to the USA. When they arrived the two fathers made a bet - in a year's time whichever family had become more American would win.
A year later they met again.
The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I had McDonalds for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replied, "screw you, towel head."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2006, 02:09 PM:
Rated G
From The Mouths of Babes: These have to be original and genuine - no adult is this creative!
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"
" Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you , we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:13 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A salesman began his pitch to a housewife:
"I want to show you a product that several of your neighbors told me you couldn't afford."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:28 AM:
Rated G Andrew
The problem with being retired is that you never know what day it is, where you're supposed to be, or what you're supposed to be doing. It's much like working for the federal government.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:30 AM:
Rated G Gerry
The rich miss out on one of the greatest pleasures in life, the last payment on an installment plan.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 08:36 AM:
Rated G Andrew
My plan to eliminate nuclear war is to make missiles so complicated that they can't be fired. This can be accomplished by having the instructions written by the same guys who write the tax forms.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 09:13 AM:
Rated G Spaz
Keys to conflict resolution: Communication and Empathy.
Whether we realize this or not, communication breakdown is often the root of all relational problems. Communication breakdown often stem from misunderstandings from unclear or a lack of communication. Try to put yourself in the mindset or situation of the person with whom you're in conflict. Considering their perspective may help foster empathy and help in conflict resolution. If you are having a problem with someone and want to resolve it, make sure the channels of communication are open.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Chris
It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt.
One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."
A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 04:41 PM:
Rated G
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2006, 04:46 PM:
Rated G Jeff
No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40.00 a week.
I am sure it was Einstein who first stated: Expense equals salary plus $40. bucks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:18 AM:
Rated G
Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 09:46 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"Kenny, there were two cookies in the jar last night, and this morning there is only one. How do you explain that?"
"It was so dark, I guessed I missed it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:00 AM:
Rated G B.B.
WONDER for YOUR WEEK: If you drive your car late at night, are you burning the midnight oil?
~ M. Raymond
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 10:20 AM:
Rated G
The latest thing in cosmetic surgery is called a 'thread lift.'
They say instead of a full facelift, they actually insert a plastic thread underneath your face and then they pull it back, so it's like a mini-facelift.
That's great -- until somebody sees the loose thread on your face, pulls it and your whole face unravels.
- Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 01:27 PM:
Rated G
The landlady asked me if I minded making my own bed. I said that I didn't mind, and she said "Great" there's a hammer and nails in the corner.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 01:29 PM:
Rated G
"I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder."
--Craig Charles
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 01:32 PM:
Rated G
Unbeknownownst to many, there was also a sleeping ugly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 01:34 PM:
Rated G
Question: What do you get when a cow gets stuck in an earthquake?
Answer: A Milkshake.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-30-2006, 02:00 PM:
Rated G
Question: What do you get when you cross a leopard with a watchdog?
Answer: A terrified postman!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 12:49 PM:
Rated G Andrew
Why do speakers include the phrase, "Needless to say," then go ahead and say it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 12:55 PM:
Rated G Vicky
A hangover is something to occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 12:56 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Why is it that we travel hundreds of miles to get away from everyone at home and then send them postcards that say, "Wish you were her."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 12:59 PM:
Rated G Gerry
A man dropped in on his neighbor and found the neighbor's wife watching the baseball game. He was amazed, he said, to discover that she was a baseball fan. "I'm not, really," she answered. "But when Joe goes out to the kitchen, I'm the designated watcher."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 05:37 PM:
Rated G
HOW TO HANDLE STRESS
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 05:39 PM:
Rated G
THE FACTS OF LIFE
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternising with the enemy.
There's a fine line between fishing and
standing on the shore like an idiot.
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in New Zealand.
(unless you're in New Zealand -then start worrying)
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Drive carefully
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire
his work..
A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-31-2006, 09:01 PM:
Rated G
IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:05 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Speaker to audience: "As I understand it, it's my job to speak and your job to listen. If you get finished before I do, please let me know"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
How's your Job At...
How's your job at the clock company? Only time will tell.
How's your job on the new highway? I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.
How's your job at the travel agency? I'm going nowhere.
How's your job at the pie company? It didn't pan out.
How's your job at the crystal ball company? I'm making a fortune.
How's your job on the farm? Problems keep cropping up.
How's your job at the sewing shop? Hanging on by a thread.
How's your job at the eye glasses clinic? I have clear job objectives.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:12 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What do you see when the smog clears in southern California?
U.C.L.A.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:14 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop."
~ Usman Asif
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:25 AM:
Rated G Betsy
If you ever want to locate missing relatives, rent a cottage at the beach for the summer!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 10:26 AM:
Rated G Gerry
Vacations can last for months. You travel in August, return in September, get your bills in October, get your health back in November and your luggage back in December.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:02 AM:
Rated G B.B.
You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...
You wake up face down in a garbage dumpster.
You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
Your income tax refund check bounces.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
You realize it's April 1st and you've just been fooled.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:42 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna' Lose A Trailer.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:45 AM:
Rated PG B.B.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:46 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Leftovers in their less visible form are called memories. Stored in the refrigerator of the mind and the cupboard of the heart.
~Thomas Fuller
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Questionable Theories
Results of a contest for "theories"
GRAND PRIZE WINNER
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is
dropped, it always lands with the buttered side facing down.
I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat; the two will
hover, spinning inches above the ground . With a giant buttered cat array, a
high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNER-UP #1:
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.
RUNNER-UP #2:
Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your
eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other
people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.
RUNNER-UP #3:
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a
faster rate.
RUNNER-UP #4:
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the
body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-01-2006, 11:55 AM:
Rated G
Latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the office environment
ý Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.
ý Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
ý Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
ý Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
ý Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
ý Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
ý 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
ý Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
ý Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
ý Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ý Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ...um ... friend."
ý Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
ý Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
ý Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
ý Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
ý Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
ý SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
ý Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.
ý Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
ý Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
ý Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
ý Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
ý Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
ý Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
ý Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
ý Chips and Salsa - Chips =3D hardware, salsa =3D software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
ý G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
ý Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
ý Deinstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." (See also, "Decruitment.")
ý Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
ý Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
ý Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
ý Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.
ý CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
ý Going Postal - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 08:29 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A fancy restaurant is a place where you are sentenced to bread and water for thirty minutes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 08:36 AM:
Rated G Gerry
We put mistletoe over the door of our summer cottage so that when we see relatives coming we can kiss our vacation good-bye.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 12:53 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Tom: At my job I have a hundred men under me.
Kurt: Where do you work?
Tom: The cemetery.
Kurt: Well, at my job everyone looks up to me.
Tom: What do you do?
Kurt: I'm a kindergarten teacher.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2006, 01:10 PM:
Rated G Spaz
The most beautiful discovery true soul mates make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.
- ELISABETH FOLEY -
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 12:33 PM:
Rated G Maggie
The dictionary is the only place success comes before work.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:00 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"You can't lose weight without exercise. But I've got a philosophy about exercise. I don't think you should punish your legs for something your mouth did. Drag your lips around the block once or twice instead."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:01 PM:
Rated G B.B.
WONDER for YOUR WEEK: How come pages in a book never become cat- eared?
...M. Raymond
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:12 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:23 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a dime. By the time I was 14, I owned my own home."
- Gene Perret
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:50 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Sibling Takings"
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings. "My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. "My sister takes gymnastics," said another.Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 01:53 PM:
Rated G
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's animal Vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it...."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 03:28 PM:
Rated G
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You have a dream about prunes.
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel. (My uncle calls the Weather Channel "Old Folks MTV.")
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-06-2006, 03:31 PM:
Rated G John & Jacob
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." The says, "Why not? I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Theres no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns,in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 06:41 AM:
Rated G Betsy
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business," always be followed by the word "but"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 06:46 AM:
Rated G Quirk
Every time you lend money to a friend, you damage his memory.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 06:52 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A drunk stumbled out of the Metropole Hotel, fell into a cab and told the driver. "Take me to the Metropole."
"We're there," said the cabbie.
"OK" said the drunk, taking a 10 dollar bill from his wallet, "but next time don't drive so fast."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-07-2006, 06:56 AM:
Rated G
"A pat on the back is only a few vertebrae away from a kick in the pants, but it's miles ahead in terms of results."
- Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:28 AM:
Rated G Betsy
We need a secretary at business meetings to take minutes. That gives us the assurance that at any given moment, at least one person is paying attention to what is being said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:30 AM:
Rated G B.B.
WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:31 AM:
Rated G Ken
Give a pig and a boy everything they want and you'll get a good pig and a bad boy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:40 AM:
Rated G Gerry
I was using my new talking calculator at the supermarket. When I totaled up the money I had spent on junk food, my calculator said, "Have a nice day, Fatso!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:45 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Money still talks, but, if the value of the dollar keeps dropping, it will be talking in a whisper.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Gerry
The trouble with telling a good story is that it always reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2006, 10:50 AM:
Rated G Gerry
The next time someone says to you, "Nothing's impossible, tell him, "Go dribble a football."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:29 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.
I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:31 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Where Does That Time Go?
Seven years in a bathroom.
Six years eating.
Five years waiting in line.
Four years cleaning house.
Three years preparing meals.
Two years trying to return telephone calls to people who aren't there to receive them.
One year searching for misplaced things.
Eight months opening junk mail.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up. -
--Robert Frost
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:45 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
How many times its own body weight an a worker ant carry?
Up to 50 times its weight. Worker ants are always FEMALE.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Betsy
Hospitality is the art of wanting people to stay without interfering with their departure.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:52 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What are Shaggy Mane, Slimy Gomphidius, Inky Cap, Sulphur Top and Pig's Ears?
Mushrooms.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:54 PM:
Rated PG
Should Children Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold the light high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently Kathleen did as she was asked. Her mother Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his ass again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 02:56 PM:
Rated G B.B.
The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 03:01 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For all of you with kids in your life.
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked:"Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much,that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."
D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget....this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face."Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who
was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice,"Mom,what is butt dust?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 08:04 PM:
Rated G
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
What did this make him?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
BOOM BOOM.........
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-12-2006, 08:10 PM:
Rated G
Musician Jokes (in score order)[/b]
How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.
What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow a
lawn mower and don't return it.
If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa
Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you are
hallucinating.
How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.
How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play all the wrong notes.
What's the difference between a dead trombonist in the road and a dead
country singer in the road?
The country singer might've been on his way to a recording session.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.
What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"
What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead
trombonist in the road?
Skid marks in front of the snake.
What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.
What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2".
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that, sir?"
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They have machines to do that now.
"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?"
"Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer."
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.
How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.
How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.
Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes? The
rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one.
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.
What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.
What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.
What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.
Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.
One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.
How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.
Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.
What do you call ten baritones at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.
What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.
If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which will
hit the ground first?
Who cares?
What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.
Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.
A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times,
always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last she asks
him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.
What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn
would've done it.
How do you get a violist to play down bow staccato?
Put a tenuto mark over a whole note and mark it "solo."
What's the best recording of the Walton Viola Concerto?
"Music Minus One"
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write "pp, espressivo" on the music.
What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-13-2006, 07:49 AM:
Rated G
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-16-2006, 06:42 PM:
Rated PG..
A Dictionary of Lesser-Known Theatre Organ Stops:
8' Dullciana - Only played to put the audience to sleep. Often played with the 16' Boredom.
8' Stopped-up Flute - Keep the Roto-Rooter man on call if you have one of these in the organ.
8' Roarflute - The loudest flute stop in the organ.
4' Krummpet - Cross between a Krummhorn and a Trumpet. Mainly used to accompany Tea Dances.
16' Bombardment - Large caliber pedal stop. It is wise to buy only the smokeless powder version of this stop. Its biggest disadvantage is the necessity to reload in the middle of long bass passages.
32' Counter Bombardment - A really macho complement to the 16' Bombardment. Place these two on opposite sides of the organ and watch the fireworks! Not recommended for buildings constructed of un-reinforced masonry.
4' AcetylSalicet - Played to offset the headache generated by playing the 16' Bombardment and the 32' Counter Bombardment.
16' Proctophone - Extremely loud and rude pedal stop. Useful with the 4' Flatulence.
16' Baboon - Reed stop of African origin. Smells mildly of bananas.
8' Salacious - Belongs in the X-Rated division of the organ along with the Sexaphone, the HotBois, and the Gemshorny.
4' Gambino - A short Italian version of the Gamba. When this stop speaks, you listen - if you know what's good for you.
8' Violent Diapason - Makes a good match with the 4' Gambino to accompany gangster films.
4' Spits Flute - A raincoat is recommended when playing this one. Isolate this stop to keep it from warping the wooden pipes.
8' ViDeO - One of the few really new organ stops. Requires cable or satellite connection.
8' Trumped up - Not a real organ stop at all. Invented by an unscrupulous organ salesman to make the stop tabs symmetrical.
8' Hobo - Shabby and poorly made stop. Grateful for any spare change the tuner might have.
Zinfandel IV - Made from old wine bottles. More colorful than the Chardonnay IV.
8' Geiger Diapason - Made of (almost) depleted Uranium. Easy to find because it glows in the dark. When tuning this stop, it is wise to don your lead-lined underwear.
6 7/8' Genetic Mutation - A stop which spontaneously appeared next to the 8' Geiger Diapason.
2 2/3' Lizard - Keep this away from the 8' Geiger Diapason. Might mutate into a 10 2/3 Godzilla.
Plain Joe Mixture - Made from old Folgers coffee cans. None of this Espresso or Latte stuff.
8' Vox Inhumana - A short stubby reed which is nearly impossible to keep in tune.
1 1/3' Lariat - Originally developed in Texas to accompany Western films.
5 1/3' Quint Eastwood - Another part of the Western division of the organ alongside the Lariat
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-22-2006, 09:06 PM:
Rated G
"Billy, did you take my car out last night?"
"I went for a spin with a couple of the guys."
"Well, tell them I found two of their lipsticks!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2006, 08:15 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
"Little Golden Books That Never Made It"
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-25-2006, 11:40 AM:
Rated PG
Dating in 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her! "
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:
"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's call The Twist!"
[ 09-24-2006, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-24-2006, 06:26 AM:
Rated PG
Best line heard on Hollywood Squares:
Q: What was the title of the book authored by Hillary Clinton during the Clinton Administration?
A(Brad Garrett): IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO SATISFY MY HUSBAND.
Even Whoopi Goldberg almost fell out of her seat laughing!!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-25-2006, 03:48 PM:
RAted G...
If organists wrote the wedding columns in the society pages....
On Saturday, the third of August, at well after the stated time of 2:00PM, Ann Jones and Bob Smith were married at Our Lady of Sorry Acoustics.
The delay was attributed to the late arrival of an aunt of the bride and was deftly covered by organist Reginald Laudfuss (now celebrating his seventh month at the church) who improvised on an original theme for well over ten minutes. This improvisation was accomplished in all minor keys without the use of the organ's wholly unnecessary transposer. Mr. Laudfuss gives thanks to the church's wedding coordinator, Ima Thority, for flashing him a series of hand signals during the crisis.
Mr. Laudfuss chose a lightweight summer robe of shimmering burgundy to conceal his cutoffs and T-shirt. The organist's shoes, in tasteful black, were by Organmaster, accessorized with upgraded laces from Thom McAn. They are his third pair in about fifteen years. The wedding party wore the usual clothes.
The organ is the fourth or fifth rebuild of what was originally a dreadful 1920s theatre organ from the Roxy. It now contains additional pipework from an Ox tracker, salvaged after that mysterious fire in a practice room at the University. Other stops have been added according to the tastes of organists who have come and gone. The Great Harmonic Flute was voiced by Harrison and purchased from the Cathedral of Ostentation during their 1977 project. The Wurlitzer Brass Trumpet (temporarily residing in place of the Swell Oboe) is the envy of the city; it is rumored to have been stolen (all 61 pipes!) from the now-shuttered Palace. The organ's combination action, unfortunately, is unreliable.
There were a sufficiently large number of attendants to build a lengthy processional upon, but despite last night's rehearsal they heedlessly hurried up the aisle, resulting in a drastic compression of the "Prince of Denmark's March." This critical number was therefore performed with no repeats, and Mr. Laudfuss pointedly ended on the dominant in protest. However, the 8' Tuba (purchased pre-voiced over the internet and the central feature of the March) was a resounding success as could be measured by the smiles that spread throughout the congregation during the processional.
After a few minutes of talking by a clergy type, the organist played the first four phrases of the Schubert "Ave Maria" (in E-major to avoid a pulled pipe) on the shimmering Choir Gemshorn 8' (no tremolo) while the couple did something. Later, somebody's female relative breathily sang "The Wedding Song." It appeared that this person's usual venue was a country-western bar, and some tension occurred during the solo. The soloist attempted to continue singing during the interludes. Mr. Laudfuss responded by trying to cover her error with cues from the Swell Trompette 8' (Wicks, 1940's, revoiced by Gantt in the 1958 rebuild) but she continued in her own misguided way forcing the organist to shuffle his music loudly. This contretemps prevented the congregation from enjoying the subtle chiff of the Choir Gedeckt 8', which would have been the only bright spot in a notoriously boring song.
The recessional was the Mendelssohn, chosen despite Mr. Laudfuss's counsel to the contrary. It was played on a satisfying plenum in A B A B A form to fit the available time. When the wedding party was finally out of the way Mr. Laudfuss presented the Widor Toccata as the postlude. The guests inconsiderately talked throughout the number, but the organist added stops as the noise level increased, masterfully maneuvering each drawknob, coupler and piston without missing a single note of the Widor. The sforzando button unexpectedly brought the Brass Trumpet into the ensemble but by now there was no turning back and the Widor ended breathtakingly. This noble feat did not go unnoticed by the congregation, who responded with audible sighs when the music stopped.
The bride and groom went to college somewhere, but they did not take any music. After their honeymoon they will blend into suburbia where they will produce children. The highlight of each year will be the replay of Mr. Laudfuss's work via a wedding video.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-29-2006, 08:56 AM:
Rated R Ed in Aurora
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand."I had a kitty-cat who stuttered",
she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my little kitty cat and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,he jumped over the fence into our yard!
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl."My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.. And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-08-2006, 08:18 PM:
Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley
Terror alert
The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance".The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also,the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians,on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2006, 03:46 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
THE REAL MEANING OF HOTEL SLOGANS
Old world charm ....... No bath
Options galore ........ Nothing is included in the itinerary
No extra fees ......... No extras
Nominal fee ........... Outrageous charge
Standard .............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ................ Standard
Superior .............. One free shower cap
Cozy .................. Small
All the amenities ..... Two free shower caps
Plush ................. Top and bottom sheets
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2006, 03:48 PM:
Rated G Kee
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow. It only saps today of its joy."
- Leo Buscaglia, American author
"Worry has never healed a body, solved a problem, brought a love back, or created a problem-free future. And no one, at the end of life, has ever said they wished they'd worried more. On a day like today, so filled with possibilities, there are an infinite number of things we can do to make our lives better. Worry is not one of them." ~ Kate
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2006, 12:12 PM:
Rated G
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's
happenin?? Great to see you!
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks
him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, lets fly out to Washington." And off
they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name
anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with he Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack, and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the fuck's that on the balcony with Dave?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-26-2006, 08:21 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
HYPNOTIST IN THE SENIOR CENTER............
It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
" chanting, Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.....................................
It took two days to clean up the senior center.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2006, 11:54 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-01-2006, 08:07 AM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Humor
Are you male or female?
To know the answer, look down!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Not here, Goofball!
I said look down. Not scroll down!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2006, 02:13 PM:
Rated G Ross in Pittsburg
The Mayonnaise Jar
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle,when
24 hours in a day are not enough,remember the mayonnaise jar
and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some
items in front of him.When the class began,he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them
into the jar.He shook the jar lightly.The pebbles rolled into the openareas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.Of course, the sand filled up everything else.He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with a unanimous "yes!"
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the
table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided,"I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.The golf balls are the important things--your family your children, your health,your friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained,your life would still be full.The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,your house and your car.The sand is everything else--the small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued,"there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.The same goes for life.If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to you happiness! Play with your children.Take time to get medical checkups.Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter.Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented.
The professor smiled."I'm glad you asked.It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2006, 10:55 AM:
Rated G
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-10-2006, 09:58 PM:
Rated G
ATTENTION
ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE .
YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-12-2006, 11:29 AM:
Rated PG...
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You
need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."
So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells
back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-14-2006, 09:54 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My father, a handyman, crafted a gizmo--a heavy-duty steel adapter to a ball hitch--to attach to the front of his truck so that he could push his trailer and sailboat down the ramp into the water rather than have to go through the difficult manoeuvring to back them down.
Just after he had launched his boat and was parking the truck, a passerby noticed the ball hitch and stopped to ask what it was. Dad explained how he could push his boat and trailer now. The man looked at Dad with respect. "It must take much skill to drive down the highway and steer your boat and trailer in front of you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2006, 09:46 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Bruce
"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
"I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead." --Laura Kightlinger
"My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! --Sarah Silverman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2006, 02:25 PM:
Rated G
I was a tour guide at a museum, and part of my job was to get people to line up as close to one another as possible.
Whenever necessary I would yell, "Could everyone please move three feet forward!"
But one day, inevitably, one fellow called back, "What if you only have two?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-15-2006, 02:29 PM:
Rated G
An anxious, well-dressed lady ran up to my ticket counter in Terminal 1 at the airport.
"Hurry!" she shouted. "I have to catch my flight to London."
I tried to calm my distraught passenger and assured her she had plenty of time before her flight, which was departing from Terminal 2. I explained that rather than wait for the shuttle bus to the adjacent terminal, I'd take her to the arrival level where she would be transported by a moving sidewalk.
"Moving sidewalk!" she screamed. "You don't understand! I wanted to fly!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 10:43 AM:
Rated G Betsy
My brother had a job that required him to dress as a polar bear to promote soft drinks at shopping malls.
A man strolled past and asked, "Don't you feel stupid dressed up in that thing?"
"I should feel stupid?" asked my brother. "You're the one who's talking to a bear!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:16 PM:
Rated R
One time Abraham Lincoln was stopped on the street by a man who drew a revolver and stuck it in the president's face.
"What seems to be the matter?" inquired Lincoln, with all the calmness and self-possession he could muster.
"Well," replied the stranger, "some years ago I swore an oath that if I ever came across an uglier man than myself I'd shoot him on the spot."
Lincoln visibly relaxed, "Shoot me, then, for if I am an uglier man than you I don't want to live."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:17 PM:
Rated G
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering. One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:28 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Every morning a guy took the ferry to work, but one morning his watch stopped and he thought he was running late. He rushed to the dock and saw the boat ten feet away. Taking a run at it, he jumped and, with a superhuman effort, just managed to land in the boat.
The captain looked at him quizzically and said. "If you had waited another minute, we'd have docked."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-16-2006, 01:51 PM:
Rated G
"To go safely through the world you must have the eye of a falcon, the ear of an ass, the face of an ape, the mouth of a pig, the shoulders of a camel, and the legs of a deer."
Italian Proverb
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-23-2006, 09:38 AM:
Rated G Lulu
My Italian American friend is very self-conscious about his height, or lack thereof. So I always steer clear of the subject.
One day, he and I went to lunch at a Sub shop.
"I'll take the Italian," he said to the guy behind the counter. "Salami, Provolone, and peppers."
"Do you want a full hero or half one?" came the reply.
"Ah... gimme a half," my friend says.
After placing our orders, we took our seats. A few minutes later, my friend grimaced when we heard...
"Small Italian, your order is up!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2006, 08:09 PM:
Rated R Ed in Aurora
A beautiful New York woman was deeply depressed and decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But, just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night, he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later, she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-29-2006, 08:36 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Says one humorist: "Life is unfair. I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them. I lost my sunglasses at the beach and never found them. I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them. I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-05-2006, 04:48 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Our friend Rusty was finally receiving his black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and had to arrive early for the ceremony at the material- arts school he attended.
The plan was for his wife, Janet, and their kids to follow later. Just when it was time for the family to leave, their nine-year-old son was in panic because he couldn't find his shoes.
Janet and all three kids tore the house apart before finding the shoes, which made everyone late. At the school, Janet and the kids ran up the steps only to encounter this sign:
"To our guests- Please observe Tae Kwon Do customs and remove your shoes before entering."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2006, 08:26 AM:
Rated G Drew
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-07-2006, 09:43 AM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
Interesting Years 1981 & 2005
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson Learned? - The next time Charles gets married, someone warn the Pope .
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-09-2006, 05:28 PM:
Rated G Quirk
How do amoebas keep in touch?
With cell phones.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-11-2006, 05:07 PM:
Rated PG Lorraine
“I saw you kissing my sister last night!” jeered the brat to the embarrassed teenager.
“All right all right! Not so loud,” said the youth. “Here’s a dollar to keep your mouth shut.”
“Gee, thank! Wait a minute and I’ll give you twenty-five cents change.”
“Twenty-five cents change? What for?”
“I like to be fair,” said the youngster, “and it’s the same price for everybody!”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-12-2006, 02:19 PM:
Rated G
After I filled the Ford's tank at the gas station, I discovered I had no wallet, which meant no cash, no credit cards, no identification. The cashier called her boss, and many questions later, she grudgingly accepted the truck registration and my word that I could be back in about an hour. I drove home.
As I entered the house, the phone rang: My wife needed the Ford truck. So I switched to the Toyota and drove back to the gas station. I noticed the gas gauge was low, so I filled up: $43. And then it hit me! The phone call had distracted me at home. I still had no wallet, no cash, no credit cards, no identification. And now I owed $103.
The manager was incredulous. With her now holding two registrations, I left once again. When I arrived home, my wife asked, "Did you have a productive day?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2006, 04:40 PM:
Rated G
Around election time I passed an older gentleman in his yard and noticed he had several signs, each proclaiming support for a different political candidate. "I guess you can't make up your mind," I said to him.
"That's not it," he smiled. "My grass was looking a little brown, so I thought I'd put in some fertilizer sticks."
Posted by Dieter Depypere (Member # 3184) on 12-14-2006, 01:43 PM:
Rated G for Christie haters
Rated NC-17 for those who actually like Christies... (please do not read in that case ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
)
Service Call at Christie Inc.:
Customer: I have a Christie P35GP...
Tech: So?
Customer: I have a problem with this projector.
Tech: Yes... you told me already.
===================================================
Christie projectors also do something useful.
They can be used to shred prints of flopped movies.
===================================================
How many Christie techs do you need to change a used xenon bulb or a jamming douser?
No one. At Christie, this is standard.
===================================================
Why are Christie projectors green?
They are like bananas. Delivered green, riping in cinemas.
===================================================
Christie P35 - the first projector with the expiration date in its name.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 10:08 AM:
Rated G Bruce
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.
She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 10:09 AM:
Rated G B.B.
"When I was a kid, I could toast a marshmallow over my birthday cake. Now I could roast a turkey!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 11:21 AM:
Rated G B.B.
- Thoughts On Being Rich -
Friendships are priceless, time is invaluable, health is wealth, and love is a treasure!
Create a nest egg of beautiful memories that you can dip into from time to time to ease any sorrows.
Have the kind of remembrances that raise you up with their worth and keep you there with their wonder.
Always have a secret supply of hopes on hand to help you plan your tomorrows.
Remember that when you invest in your dreams it is impossible to overpay.
Give away smiles, and watch them come back to you a hundred times over.
Stuff your pockets with kindness and optimism; there is nothing more precious in the world.
May Your Life Be Filled With Riches Today and every day!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-16-2006, 11:29 AM:
Rated G B.B.
It was Friday and Skip and I were headed out to lunch.
"Hey, do you have change for a hundred dollar bill?" I asked as we drove to the restaurant.
"I think I do," he said pulling a wad of bills out of his pocket. "Here," he said handing me five twenties.
"Great, thanks," I said pocketing the money. "I'll give you the hundred on Monday."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2006, 11:01 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-22-2006, 11:08 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Schizophrenia – Do you hear what I hear?
Multiple Personality Disorder – We three queens disoriented are
Amnesia – I don't know if I'll be home for Christmas
Narcissistic – Hark, the herald angels sing about me
Manic – Deck the halls and walls and house and lawn and streets and stores and office and town and cars and buses and trucks and trees and fire hydrants and . . .
Paranoid – Santa Claus is coming to get me
>
Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of roasting on an open fire
Personality Disorder – You better watch out, I'm gonna cry, I'm
gonna pout, maybe I'll tell you why
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells . . .
Agoraphobia – I heard the bells on Christmas Day but wouldn't leave my house
Autistic – Jingle Bell Rock and rock and rock and rock . . .
Senile Dementia – Walking in a winter wonderland miles from my house in my slippers and robe
Oppositional Defiant Disorder – I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus so I burned down the house
Social Anxiety Disorder – Have yourself a merry little Christmas while I sit here and hyperventilate
And for the Deaf and Dumb..............**SILENT NIGHT**
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2006, 03:12 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.
THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!
YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ?
GOTCHA
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 08:00 PM:
Rated G
Did you here about the blind man who was given a cheese grater for Christmas?
He said it was the most violent thing he ever read!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 08:08 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Why was the baby ant so confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2006, 08:23 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-30-2006, 12:55 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Do you know your hymns?
Dentist's Hymn..................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn...There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn..............The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn............There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn...............Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn..........Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn.................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.....................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn.................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn....................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn. . . . . . I've Got a Mansion Just over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn . . . ......He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn......................The Great Physician
AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph................Precious Memories
Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 12:40 PM:
Rated G Bruce
METALLURGIST - A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 12:41 PM:
Rated G Lulu
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-09-2007, 12:46 PM:
Rated G Bruce
The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2007, 07:16 AM:
Rated G Math
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 07:45 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH He writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver,
who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out the window and gave the woman the finger. " Man, that guy is
stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles
each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most
of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 = cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the
number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan,70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.That's 98
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem,has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 08:20 AM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
I was shocked, confused, bewildered as I entered Heaven's door, Not by the beauty of it all, by the lights or its decor.
But it was the folks in Heaven who made me sputter and gasp-- the thieves, the liars, the sinners, the alcoholics, the trash.
There stood the kid from seventh grade who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor who never said anything nice.
Herb, who I always thought was rotting away in hell, was sitting pretty on cloud nine, looking incredibly well.
I nudged the angel, "What's the deal? I would love to hear your take. How'd all these sinners get up here? God must've made a mistake.
And why's everyone so quiet, so somber? Give me a clue."
"Hush, child," said he. "They're all in shock. No one thought they'd see you."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 10:03 AM:
Rated G
New Definitions!
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 10:09 AM:
Rated G
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
" Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
"One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2007, 10:13 AM:
Rated G
Two little boys were sitting on the school bus talking. One little boy turned to the other little boy and said,
"My grandfather has a wooden leg."
The other little boy replied,
"So what? My grandma has a cedar chest."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Asia was by far my favorite destination,” the woman bragged at the party, though she had never been out of the United States. “Enigmatic and magical, beautiful beyond belief. And China, of course, is the pearl of the Asian oyster.”
“What about the pagodas?” a man besides her asked. “Did you see them?”
“Did I see them? My dear, I had dinner with them.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 08:19 AM:
Rated G Quirk
A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 01:30 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A friend of mine married a fellow named Sherlock. Easy to remember, I thought, I'll just think of Sherlock Holmes. Not long after, however, I sent out my Christmas cards and my friend called me, laughing. I had addressed their card to Mr. and Mrs. Holmes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-12-2007, 01:49 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out."
- Joey Adams
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2007, 03:33 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Pause to Think".
Einstein's three rules of work:
1) Out of clutter find simplicity
2) From discord make harmony
3) In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:13 AM:
Rated PG Lorraine
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 15-year old Sam answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Is your mother home?"
Sam taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the heck do you think?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:15 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She'd bump the car in front, then back-up and strike the car behind her. This went on about 2-3 minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined though. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:22 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Jill calls her friend Roberta, Roberta picks up the phone. Jill : "Do ya wanna go to the mall with me?"
Roberta : "Why?"
Jill : "I need to study cosmetics"
Roberta : "Why?"
Jill : "Well, my English teacher says,` I have a make-up exam on Monday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2007, 09:26 AM:
Rated G Maggie
If two friends ask you to be judge in a dispute, don't accept, because you will lose one friend; on the other hand, if two strangers come with the same request, accept, because you will gain one friend.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2007, 02:35 PM:
Rated G Tony in Old Lyme
A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible storm. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there for awhile,he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a
fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle- a perfect night for romance.As they sat there,the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.After that,the three
of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and,lo and behold,there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was Hillary Clinton. That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.It was another beautiful evening - red sky,cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the man stared to get "those feelings" again. He fought the urge as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary cautiously,and whispered in her ear.
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:15 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While I was visiting Philadelphia, I passed a newspaper stand across the street from 30th Street Station. The vendor had posted a sign on the window that read: "Please do not ask me for information or directions. If I knew anything, I wouldn't be here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-18-2007, 11:26 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
On one occasion Jesse James and his gang sought food and rest at a lonely farmhouse. The woman there gave them what food she could and apologized for the poor hospitality. A widow and deeply in debt, she was even then waiting for the debt collector to visit her to demand $1,400, which she could not possibly afford to pay.
Jesse James had the spoils of one of his bank raids with him. He gave the astonished woman enough money to pay off her debt, telling her to be sure to get a receipt from the debt collector. Then he and his gang withdrew to watch the road leading to the farmhouse.
Along came the debt collector, looking very grim. A short while later he emerged from the farm, looking altogether more pleased with himself. Jesse James and his men stopped him, recovered their $1,400, and rode off.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-19-2007, 04:38 PM:
Rated PG
A TV commercial I'd like to see, but probably never will . . .
Wife: Honey! Honey! I'm pregnant! We're going to have a baby!
Husband: Really? Are you sure? How do you know?
Wife: Well, because the rabbit finally died . . .
[Wife brings the Energizer(TM) rabbit by the ears into camera view. Rabbit looks at camera, grins, and then dies (goes limp).
Narrator: Energizer(TM), It keeps going, and going, and going, until it's too late . . .
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:37 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I like your approach... let's see your departure.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:38 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While attending a fashionable but painfully boring party one evening, British actor Ernest Thesiger took to wandering around the building in search of adventure. Soon enough, he came upon a library inhabited by a genial-looking man standing alone by the fireplace.
As the man seemed vaguely familiar, Thesiger approached him and sought to break the ice by introducing himself. "Hello," he began, "My name is Ernest. I'm an actor."
"Hello, my name is George," the other man replied. "I'm a king."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-20-2007, 10:48 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Queen Nyteshade had two claims to fame. She could tell fortunes and she was a midget. The local authorities frowned on her because they thought that fortune telling was fraudulent. They had Queeny arrested. She was placed in a holding cell. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. This so incensed the judge that he ordered the local newspaper to print an article about the culprit. The following was printed in the paper the next day: "Small medium at large".
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-20-2007, 12:23 PM:
Rated PG...
Two redneck farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college,
and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,
history, and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed eater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you
would have a yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think
logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must
have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of
that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to
go meet Bob at the bar.
He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English,
History, and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No."
"Then you're a queer."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Just a little history lesson.
Those Grand Old Burma Shave Road Signs
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
Remember these?
For those who never saw any of the Burma Shave signs, here is a quick
lesson in our history of the 1930s and '40s. Before there were interstates,
when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads, Burma Shave signs would be posted
all over the countryside in farmers' fields. They were small red signs
with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing
1 line of a 4 line couplet...... and the obligatory 5th sign advertising
Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.
Here are more of the actual signs:
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED
NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
And my all time favorite:
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt...
LIKE ME!
and I remember:
Don't stick your elbow
Out so far
It may go home
In another car.
BURMA SHAVE
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-22-2007, 08:27 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While shopping I noticed a member of the American Legion Auxiliary selling poppies at the mall entrance. Looking in my purse for money, I asked, "Is there a particular price for a poppy, or do we give what we want?"
"Well, dear," she answered gently, "it's what you think your freedom is worth."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 10:41 AM:
Rated G Andrew
Education is something you get when your father and mother send you to college, but it isn't complete until you send your own children.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 10:49 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The day after playing in a National League hockey game, my friend Simon was driving around an unfamiliar city. He stopped by the side of the road to study his map, and a passerby offered to help. "You lost?"
Flattered by the apparent recognition, Simon replied, "No, we won 5-4."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 10:51 AM:
Rated G B.B.
“Look at this mess!” roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut.
“It’s just as you ordered it, sir,” the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-23-2007, 06:26 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora
Short and Funny
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering
And take without forgetting.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way
Around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think
Of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us....go ahead and delete this.For the rest of us.....pass this on!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 09:30 AM:
Rated G Gerry
A burglar who had served five years in the penitentiary was being released. He was summoned to the warden's office, where the warden returned his personal belongings and gave him a stern lecture on going straight. Finally the warden asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Yes" said the man. "Give me back my tools."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 09:35 AM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Some of the best Norm Peterson quotes from "Cheers":
"What's shaking, Norm?" "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."
"What's new, Normie?" "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach & they're demanding beer."
"What'd you like, Normie?" "A reason to live. Give me another beer."
"What'll you have, Normie?" "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of the tap." "Looks like beer, Norm." "Call me Mister Lucky."
"Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?" "Like a baby treats a diaper."
"What's the story, Mr. Peterson?" "The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."
"Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you." "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?" "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"
"Whatcha up to, Norm?" "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "Poor." "I'm sorry to hear that." "No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?" "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em.... pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?" "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?" "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?" "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."
"What's the story, Norm?" "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"
"A little early, isn't it, Woody?"
"For a beer?"
"No, for stupid questions."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 09:39 AM:
Rated G the little woman
IT’S BETTER for things to go in one ear and slip out the other than to go in one ear, get all mixed up and slip out the mouth. ONE DAY, a fellow came into the country cafe with both ears bandaged. A friend asked him what happened.
"Yesterday, while I was ironing a shirt, the telephone rang, and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone," the fellow replied.
"That explains the one ear," his friend said, "but what about the other one?"
"They called back."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 11:28 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-25-2007, 11:35 AM:
Rated G Denny In Yonkers
10 Things to Ponder for 2007
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.
#9 Good health is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America , but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
immigration.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2007, 07:55 PM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
PONDERISMS
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2007, 08:00 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: Why do they call it a "kilt"?
ANSWER: Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-02-2007, 12:02 PM:
Rated PG...
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart at least 15 times a day! I'm outta here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:25 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Russia has announced it's holding its annual beauty pageant for nuclear power plant workers. Apparently last year's winner had the most beautiful three eyes they've ever seen."
-Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:27 PM:
Rated PG Betsy
Three-year-old Emily loved to hear herself talk. When she ran out of things to say, she would ask silly questions such as, "Is my name Emily? Am I a good girl? Is this my cat?"
One afternoon Emily and her mother Vicky met friends at the mall. Vicky realized her daughter was getting bored because the little girl was squirming and asking silly questions.
It was time to leave, but it wasn't soon enough. As they reached the exit of the crowded department store, Emily asked loud enough for others to hear, "Mommy, is Daddy really my daddy?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:31 PM:
Rated G *Mother's Intuition*
I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew.
I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:33 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Why do some people hate to make chocolate chip cookies?
It takes too long to peel the M&M's.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:34 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Why didn't Noah fish very often?
He only had two worms.
[ 02-05-2007, 11:13 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-03-2007, 09:38 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
This administration has conclusively discovered how to deal wit the deficit.
It’s a skill, which requires addition and distraction.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-04-2007, 11:09 AM:
Rated PG to R
Directions
Please read all!
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now that's the fucking way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW .
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:11 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day when he was seven years old, the prodigious Mischa Elman (1891-1967) was asked to give a violin recital for some family friends. He selected Beethoven's Kreutser sonata, which he played with ease and considerable virtuosity.
During one of the piece's many pauses, one of his listeners, a kindly old woman, tapped Elman on the shoulder. "Dear," she whispered confidentially, "play something you know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Jewel was all too familiar with the drawbacks of fame. On one occasion, she was recognized on her way into a stall in a public restroom. "Oh my God," exclaimed her ecstatic neighbor. "I'm going to hear Jewel pee!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:20 AM:
Rated G B.B.
YOUR MONDAY GROANERS
When the Post Office only delivers *some* of your packages, they call that Partial Post.
Would you call a cow that plays the violin "Fiddler on the Hoof"?
Some bankers are generous to a vault.
I went to a convention for owners of Dry Cleaning stores. We all had to sit in bleachers.
So when Vanna White married her husband, did they exchange vowels?
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-05-2007, 11:26 AM:
Rated G Joerome
An atom walked into his local ale house and said to the barkeep "Have you seen any electrons lying around, just I lost one in here the other day." To which barkeep replied "No, I haven't. Are you sure you left it in here?"
"Yes, I'm positive!" said the atom.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-07-2007, 03:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: What concession earned $862,000 in five months during the Chicago World's Fair in 1933?
ANSWER: The rest room...at 5 cents per visit!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-08-2007, 07:59 AM:
[b]Rated G B.B.
"If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong, you are all right."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2007, 10:15 PM:
Rated G Diane in Reno
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-13-2007, 08:01 AM:
Rated G Marty
"Isn't two hundred dollars a lot of money for a sweater? asked a customer. "Not really," the clerk replied. "The wool was shorn from sheep living in the most inaccessible area of the Himalayas. It's a truly amazing yarn."
"And," said the customer, "you tell it so very well."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2007, 11:40 AM:
Rated G Sally
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped her car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder she said: "Good trade....."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-15-2007, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Bruce
Even the worst four-letter words are boring and predictable when used as an insult. Don't be a lazy linguist. Brush up on your Shakespeare!
Thou damned tripe-visaged rascal!
How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?
I never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire!
You scullion! You rampallian! You fustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe!
Thou art a very ragged wart!
Viperous worm that gnaws the bowels!
Pernicious bloodsucker of sleeping men!
You are all recreants and dastards!
A pox of wrinkles!
I could brain him with his lady's fan!
You mad mustachio purple-hued maltworm!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-17-2007, 02:14 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: What's the difference between Chinese food and Italian food?
ANSWER: With Chinese food, you're hungry after two hours. With Italian food, you're still eating after two hours.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2007, 03:45 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Subject: Leno contest
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!
This just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience...there was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... snowing & freezing...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah . It was a day trip (not overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.
The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere. Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly frozen against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about what is taking so long with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and was in need of some assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater. Then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She, too, got the giggles, and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be pants down. And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's only comment: "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-18-2007, 03:50 PM:
Rated G Marty
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average, hey let's get a pizza!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2007, 12:59 PM:
Rated G b.b.
"Boat Names"
A boating magazine ran a contest for clever boat names. The following names reeled in the honors:
Brace Yourself (owned by an orthodontist)
Sir Osis of the River
Aqua Seltzer
Out to Launch
Watertight Alibi (owned by a lawyer)
Meals on Reels
The Merri Yot
and, from a landscape contractor, Yard Buoy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2007, 01:02 PM:
Rated PG cutie pa2ti
Why does Piglet smell so bad?
He always plays with Pooh.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-22-2007, 01:07 PM:
Rated G Jeff
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:” Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"
Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorogically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 10:57 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 11:03 AM:
Rated G B.B.
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men: One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the King of the Jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.
Thought...
Now go have a nice day unless you already have other plans.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2007, 02:14 PM:
Rated G
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite sport?
Batminton!
A werewolf joke
What do you call a werewolf that drinks too much?
A whino!
A witch joke
Where did the witch get her furniture?
From the ideal gnome exhibition!
A skeleton joke
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with!
A cannibal joke
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom!
A ghost joke
How can you tell if a corpse is angry?
It flips its lid!
A demon joke
What do demons have on holiday?
A devil of a time!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 04:19 PM:
Rated G B.B.
COFFEE QUOTATIONS
"No coffee can be good in the mouth that does not first send a sweet offering of aroma to the nostrils." (Henry Ward Beecher)
"A morning without coffee is like sleep." (Author Unknown)
"He was my cream, and I was his coffee; and when you poured us together, it was something." (Josephine Baker)
"I make my coffee so strong it wakes up the neighbors." (Author Unknown)
"Another way to say coffee? Break fluid." (Author Unknown)
"This coffee tastes like mud! Well, it was ground this morning." (M*A*S*H)
"Coffee smells like freshly ground heaven." (Jessi Lane Adams)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 04:20 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Definitions of a Bachelor"
* One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
* One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
* One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
* One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
* One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
* One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
* One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone- Deaf.
* One who would rather mend his socks than his ways.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-25-2007, 04:25 PM:
Rated G B.B.
My weight problem is hereditary. It was passed down from my mouth to my stomach.
WONDER for YOUR WEEK: Do the people who make tea get coffee breaks?
"When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error."
I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a mussel.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2007, 09:39 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
ANSWER: She had three men giving her directions.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-26-2007, 09:41 AM:
Rated G the little woman
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys,and this guy's got two of 'em."
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
What's this doing here?
That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one!
Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:21 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.
"How awful!" exclaimed the wife.
"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:28 PM:
Rated G B.B.
You're not a kid anymore when ...
The only reason you're awake at 4 a.m. is indigestion.
You are proud of your lawnmower.
8 a.m. is your idea of "sleeping in."
People call you at 8 p.m. and ask: "Did I wake you?"
You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:33 PM:
Rated G the little woman
New Corporate Buzz Words
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-27-2007, 02:34 PM:
Rated G Bruce
UNITS YOU RARELY SEE
2000 mockingbirds: 2 kilomockingbirds
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 megahurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
1 million-million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
10 cards: 1 decacards
The force of 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2007, 08:53 AM:
Rated G B.B.
The Game Warden stopped a deer hunter and asked to see his hunting license. "This is last year's license," the warden informed him.
"I know," said the hunter, "but I shouldn't need a new license, I am only shooting at the deer I missed last year."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-28-2007, 01:26 PM:
Rated G B.B.
TODAY'S STOCK MARKET RESULTS ARE IN ! They are as follows. . .
Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationery.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2007, 08:08 AM:
Rated G
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When . . .
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You have a bumper sticker that says: "Coffee drinkers are good in the sack."
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffeepot clean.
You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."
You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
Cocaine is a downer.
All your kids are named "Joe".
You don't need a hammer to pound nails.
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
People get dizzy just watching you.
You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
Instant coffee takes too long.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your three favorite things in life are...coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music, and a glass of iced coffee to get you in the mood.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2007, 01:55 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
Ten Signs Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing".
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
and the NUMBER ONE Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under- Qualified...
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2007, 02:07 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT !!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2007, 02:10 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 10:13 AM:
Rated G B.B.
As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember ...
The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2007, 10:21 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
"BUT FIRST" SYNDROME:
I have recently been diagnosed with the "But First syndrome". You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry.....
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper . Then, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack.....
BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oop's..... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook.....
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away.....
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.. Head for the door and..... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put that remote away and water the plants.....
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat..... End of day; Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control..... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done all day, I'm baffle because.....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-06-2007, 10:35 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Pac-man was originally called puck-man. This name was changed however when marketing found that vandals could scratch off part of the p to make a entirely different name.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-06-2007, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Bakers used to be fined if their loaves were under weight, so they used to add an extra loaf to every dozen, just in case -- hence, the expression "baker's dozen"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-07-2007, 02:58 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
There's a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days. It's called Monday.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-09-2007, 08:06 AM:
Rated G Sandy in Coronado
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle."
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo DA Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!
22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (eeewww*icky)
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it. I NEED TO REMEMBER THIS!
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2007, 09:35 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to have a drink.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside; and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemo sabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?".
The Lone Ranger stands, again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
"Nothin', but you left your Injun running.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:42 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My son Sabastian plays trumpet in the school band and guitar with a jazz band, but his real love is rock and roll. I listen mostly to opera, and one day Sabastian asked me how I came to love it. “My mother always had it playing while I was growing up,” I replied. “That's what I was afraid of,” he said glumly.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:43 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
After graduating from high school, a friend and I decided to start our careers as jazz musicians. We scrounged up a couple of gigs a week, but jazz wasn't popular in our small town and our duo often outnumbered the members of the audience.
Accustomed to the silence that followed our tunes, I was startled one evening to hear clapping after we'd delivered an Ellington standard. “Thank you. Thank you very much!” I said into the microphone.
Gazing out into the audience, I met the eyes of a confused- looking woman with a burger and fries in front of her and a bottle of ketchup in one hand-the other hand slapping the bottom of the bottle.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:44 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
My daughter and son-in-law were at a restaurant atop a multistorey hotel in Interlaken, Switzerland. It was an ideal spot to view the city and surroundings, and also to watch the antics of the local hang-gliding enthusiasts. Patrons were startled, however, to notice one glider carrying two people zooming perilously close to the building. Just as they skimmed by, one of them called out in English, "Two coffees, please!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2007, 11:55 AM:
Rated G B.B.
DEFINING DIFFERENT HEIGHTS
Height of Isolation: Two people sitting side by side using e- mails to communicate with each other.
Height of Cowardice: Two persons fighting through e-mails.
Height of Helplessness: Receiving no e-mails for a week.
Height of Frustration: The email server being down.
Height of Carelessness: Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All.'
Height of Achievement: A person sending email to a girl/boy wanting to become friends and getting a reply.
Height of Timepass: A person sending email to himself.
Height of Expectation: Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 08:57 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Sue: "I'm not myself today."
Mary: "I noticed the improvement right away."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 09:01 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A colleague and I had a free afternoon during a business trip. We decided to go shopping and were told there was a mall farther down on the same street as our hotel. The weather had turned unfriendly, and huge snowflakes blurred our vision as we trudged on to the nearest bus stop. After a considerable wait, the bus finally arrived. We shook off the snow, boarded and asked the driver to let us know when we reached our destination. With a friendly smile, he said: "Don't sit down. The next stop is yours."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 09:05 AM:
Rated G
More Things You'd Love To Say (But Don't Dare)
Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Visualizing? I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-15-2007, 09:09 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Charley: I just swallowed a frog.
Farley:Doesn't it make you feel sick?
Charley: Sick! I'm liable to croak any minute!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2007, 04:44 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Signs of the times!
In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2007, 09:46 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A woman locked herself out of her car. She watched the locksmith work with that wire that slides under the window and then pushes up the lock. She asked him, 'that goes under the window, huh? What do you do if the window is down?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2007, 09:48 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Patient: Doctor, doctor, I just swallowed a bone!
Doctor: Are you choking?
Patient: No, I'm serious.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2007, 12:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
My family moved into a beautiful old house. Its redbrick walls were covered with a mass of ivy and Virginia creeper, which housed a multitude of swallows, sparrows and house martins. The first spring we were there, however, it became evident that all the birds were taking their toll on our clean windows. Mother called a window cleaner. When he arrived, he was undoubtedly startled by her greeting: "Oh, I'm so glad to see you! It's mating season, you know."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-18-2007, 01:16 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Did you hear that Flanagan invented an invisible deodorant?"
"No, what good is it?"
"Well if you use, you vanish and no one knows where the smell is coming from!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2007, 08:46 AM:
Rated G
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:03 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Gas prices are so high that I can double the value of my car just by filling up."
- Maxine
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:05 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"I hate saying "Always a bridesmaid, never a bride." I like to put it into perspective by thinking, "Always a pallbearer, never a corpse."
- Laura Kightlinger
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:06 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On a bookstore display shelf, my seven-year-old son spotted a book on John F. Kennedy, with a picture showing him in the Oval Office. "I know him, he said."
Surprised he recognized him, I added: "Yes, he was very important. He was President of the United States."
"I know he was important," he agreed.
"How did you know that?" I asked.
"Because," he replied, "I saw him shake hands with Forrest Gump."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:10 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When my husband and I were at the airport seeing our daughter off, we met a co-worker of mine. She was leaving on vacation and had planned to leave her car at the airport, but the forecast was for extremely cold weather, and she was afraid it wouldn't start when she returned. I offered to drive her car to her home and put it in her garage.
When I arrived at her street, I realized I didn't know which house was hers. But inspiration struck! I drove up and down the back lane pressing her garage-door opener until one door lifted.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:12 PM:
Rated G Marty
A host realized too late he did not have enough alcohol to add to the punch. A guest saw he was upset and asked his wife why. She muttered, "Low spirits."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:15 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"According to USA Today, Tom Cruise's wedding was in an Italian castle. Well that inspired Elizabeth Hurley to marry in a British castle, and inspired Eva Longoria to book her wedding in French castle. Meanwhile Kirstie Allie is getting married at White Castle."
-Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2007, 02:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
It was dusk and we were edgy and tired after our first day of pulling our trailer when we encountered roadwork and a flagman. We were first in a long line of cars and were unsure which lane to drive in. We couldn't decipher the signals from the flagman: His light went up, down, across and back again. "What do you think he wants us to do?" my husband moaned. We proceeded cautiously and finally drew abreast of the flagman who, we realized, was frantically warding off mosquitoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2007, 11:24 AM:
Rated G the little woman
Two men were stranded on a desert island. One was very worried, while the other seemed to have no cares. "How can you be so happy?" asked the worried man. "We may never get off this island."
"I make $100,000 a year," the other man said.
"What does that have to do with us getting out of here?" asked the worried man.
"I tithe," said the other. "My pastor will surely be coming after me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-23-2007, 11:25 AM:
Rated G Bruce
After our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out he was a high school classmate of my husband's, a man named Love. He said to ask for him the next time we had any problems. The following year, when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from my job to be there.
After he finished repairing our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. On it was written my name and the scheduling instructions: "Wants Love in the afternoon."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:13 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A friend of mine got lost on the way to the Bucks County Playhouse, a theater in a small Bensalem town. He stopped at a farmhouse, where a woman gave him excellent directions. A week later he went back to see another play, got lost again and stopped at the same house. When the woman came to the door, she exclaimed, "My heavens! You haven't found it yet?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:25 PM:
Rated G
You Know You're In Trouble When...
...Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.
...Your suggestion box starts ticking.
...Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
...The simple instructions enclosed aren't.
...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
...You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
...The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
...You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:27 PM:
Rated G Bruce
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other,
"What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You're wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They began to argue when they come upon another drunk. They asked, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2007, 12:31 PM:
Rated PG sassy
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."
Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures $20.00'.
"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money,inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl.
Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit... which now had a button sewed on the end.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2007, 04:38 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
-Mark Twain
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2007, 04:49 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A co-worker was looking the worse for wear following a blowout shindig the night before.
"Are you feeling all right?" I asked.
"I don't know," he answered slowly. "I think I'm suffering from post-partying depression."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2007, 04:51 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
--Milton Berle
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2007, 04:37 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I overheard my five-year-old daughter and her friends discussing the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. "Allison says it's the parents who bring the toys," she said skeptically, "but I know my parents wouldn't know how to drive the reindeer."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2007, 12:19 PM:
Rated G
Interesting statistic
"A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon."
Not Bad.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2007, 03:09 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On my way to visit a friend in Sherwood, P.E.I., I pulled into a gas station. I asked the man coming towards me if he'd mind putting air in my tires. "Just pull up at the air pump and I'll check," he replied. He found the pressure low, so filled them.
"I'd like to have the windshield cleaned as well," I said. He cleaned it thoroughly.
"Now, would you fill the tank up with regular unleaded, please." When he finished, I asked if he could give me directions to my friend's house, and he drew me a detailed map of the area. I thanked him as I handed him a tip.
"No, thanks," he smiled. Then he walked over to a car with a woman and child inside, got in and drove off.
I was shocked: I hadn't paid for the gas. That's when I looked towards the office for the first time and saw a sign, emblazoned with bold letters, advising: SELF SERVE.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-04-2007, 04:37 PM:
Rated G
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile (or smirk)
[source unknown - - but, 'gotta be pretty accurate . . ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-06-2007, 05:40 PM:
Rated G
Having a Bad Day????[/b]
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m. on; Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 a.m., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to
ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having Bad Day????
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly,all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, feeling better
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2007, 03:46 PM:
Rated PG B.B.
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in here."
The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all... we also sell condoms."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-09-2007, 09:19 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? Answers are below.
1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19 John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20 Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
They are all TRUE ... Now go back and think about #16!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:23 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When my nine-year-old daughter returned from school where she had had country dance lessons that day, she told her grandmother about it.
She concluded, "The boys turned to their partner and bowed, and the girls turned to the boys and cursed."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-14-2007, 03:32 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Two flies were walking on a bald man's head.
One turns to the other and says, "When I was your age, this was only a footpath."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2007, 08:40 AM:
Rated G
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.
He watched the game in astonishment for awhile. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-17-2007, 08:52 AM:
Rated G
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-31-2007, 11:49 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer; he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with every one, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
Scroll down
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-08-2007, 02:19 PM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
This happened in a little town in New Mexico, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true:
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was cold and wet and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door, and only then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts going again, very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray and begs for his life.
Just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the driver's window and turns the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared each time the car approached a curve.
Gathering his strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everyone when they realized the guy was crying hysterically and wasn't drunk.
About a half hour later, two other guys walk into the same cantina and one said to the other, "Mira, vato. That's the Pendejo that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-11-2007, 10:18 AM:
Rated G E$d in Aurora, Ont.
I rear ended a car a few days ago...I tell you, it was a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"
So I said, "Well which one are you then?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-04-2007, 03:55 PM:
Rated PG...
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician.
Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Bubba with them two assholes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-20-2007, 10:38 AM:
Rated G
Stupid Signs
Stupid is as stupid does (this fwd was so great. I wish I thought of the stupid sign!)
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid", That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind didn't see your sign".
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-01-2007, 10:59 AM:
Rated R
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw theflood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't
been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed.It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left.Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim,and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out.It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Jimmie :
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2007, 11:14 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office andshouted "Doctor!
I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.Immediately,he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
(5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals,leaving no clues.
A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."
(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
(10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts,the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you,with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
Enough already!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-02-2007, 02:25 PM:
Rated R Hank in Simi Valley
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'One stone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him One stone.
After years and years of torment, One stone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me One stone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, One stone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that One stone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw One stone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, One stone." One stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of this story?????
OH, Come on ... take a guess!
Think about it ...And the moral is ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-20-2007, 01:15 PM:
Rated PG....
While walking through the Colorado woods, a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Out of curiosity, he inquired, "What the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the tree hugger replied.
"You gotta be kidding' me," exclaimed the walker.
"No, would you like to give it a try?" asked the hugger.
Understandably curious, the man acquiesced and proceeded to wrap his arms around the tree while pressing his ear up against the trunk. The other man slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by and observed the naked man handcuffed to the tree and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
The man told the other man the whole terrible story about how he came to be in his predicament.
When he finished telling his story, the other man shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear, and whispered, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-06-2007, 09:15 AM:
Rated PG 13
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in Water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: it is my duty as a public service advocate, and my deep concern for your health.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-07-2007, 03:10 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
Italian kids vs American kids
American kids: Move out when they're 18 with the full support of their parents.
Italian kids: Move out when they're 28, having saved enough money for a house, and are two weeks away from getting married....unless there's room in the basement for the newlyweds.
American kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings a Bundt cake, and you sip coffee and chat.
Italian kids: When their Mom visits them, she brings 3 days worth of food, begins to tidy up, dust, do the laundry, and rearrange the furniture.
American kids: Their dads always call before they come over to visit them, and it's usually only on special occasions.
Italian kids: Are not at all fazed when their dads show up, unannounced, on a Saturday morning at 8:00, and starts pruning the fruit trees. If there are no fruit trees, he'll plant some.
American kids:Always pay retail, and look in the Yellow Pages when they need to have something done.
Italian kids: Call their dad or uncle, and ask for another dad's or uncle's phone number to get it done...cash deal. Know what I mean??
American kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get only cake and coffee. No more.
Italian kids: Will come over for cake and coffee, and get antipasto, wine, a pasta dish, a choice of two meats, salad, bread, a cannoli, fruit, espresso, and a few after dinner drinks.
American kids: Will greet you with "Hello" or "Hi".
Italian kids: Will give you a big hug, a kiss on your cheek, and a pat on your back.
American kids: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
Italian kids: Call your parents Mom and Dad.
American kids: Have never seen you cry.
Italian kids: Cry with you.
American kids: Borrow ! your stuff for a few days and then return it.
Italian kids: Keep your stuff so long, they forget it's yours.
American kids: Will eat at your dinner table and leave.
Italian kids: Will spend hours there, talking, laughing, and just being together.
American kids: Know few things about you.
Italian kids: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
American kids: Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on soft mushy white bread.
Italian kids: Eat Genoa Salami and Provolone sandwiches on crusty Italian bread.
American kids: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
Italian kids: Will kick the whole crowds' ass who left you behind.
American kids: Are for a while.
Italian kids: Are for life.
American kids: Like Rod Stewart, and Steve Tyrell.
Italian kids: Worship Tony Bennett, and Sinatra
American kids: Think that being Italian is cool.
Italian kids: Know that being Italian is cool.
American kids: Will ignore this.
Italian kids: Will forward it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2007, 04:37 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"In a recent interview, Brad Pitt said he and Angelina Jolie would like to have another baby. Angelina denied the story and said, 'Brad must have misunderstood when I said I was in the mood for Chinese.'"
-Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2007, 07:39 PM:
Rated G
"Don't You Hate it When..."
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2007, 07:41 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night and a few more on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals to one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last three and a half years, I have had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I only weigh 165 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about three months ago. I owe my life to chocolate!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-10-2007, 07:45 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
There is a lot more juice in grapefruit than meets the eye.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-11-2007, 09:01 AM:
Rated G
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:31 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Max: Are you my waiter?
Waiter: Yes, sir, I hope you haven't been waiting too long.
Max: Oh, no, but did you know that your menu has 976,417 letters on it?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:49 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.
Say Kaplan, asked Goldstein, how did you happen to pick number 49?
I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it.
But six times seven is 42 not 49.
Hah? . . . All right, so you be the mathematician!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:52 PM:
Rated R B.B.
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:53 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A Cat's Dictionary
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:56 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Their stage name and what their Momma named them!
Alan Alda - Alphonso D'Abruzzo
Muhammad Ali - Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr.
Woody Allen - Allen Konigsberg
June Allyson - Ella Geisman
Beatrice Arthur - Bernice Frankel
Fred Astaire - Frederick Austerlitz
Jack Benny - Benjamin Kubelsky
Milton Berle - Milton Berlinger
Irving Berlin - Israel Baline
Joey Bishop - Joseph Gottlieb
David Bowie - David Robert Jones
Mel Brooks - Mel Kaminsky
George Burns - Nathan Birnbaum
Truman Capote - Truman Streckfus Persons
Chubby Checker - Ernest Evans
Cher - Cherilyn Sarkisian
Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier
David Copperfield - David Kotkin
Howard Cosell - Howard Cohen
Elvis Costello - Declan McManus
Bing Crosby - Harry Lillis Crosby
Tom Cruise - Thomas Mapother IV
Rodney Dangerfield - Jacob Cohen
Doris Day - Doris von Kappelhoff
Jimmy Dean - Seth Ward
Kirk Douglas - Issur Danielovitch
Bob Dylan - Robert Zimmerman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-16-2007, 06:57 PM:
Rated G Groovy
You Might Be A Hippie If ...
Your hair contains a fully functional eco-system.
You've ever put a flower is someone's hair.
You child is named after a celestial object.
Answering "what's your favorite Dead song?" takes five minutes.
Breaking up with your girlfriend leaves you homeless.
You carry a picture of Gandhi in your wallet.
You're at a funeral and you light a joint after the eulogy.
You don't object to being labeled a hippie.
There's people you consider family and you don't know their last name.
Half your funiture is bean bags.
Out of habit, you pass your cigarette to whoever’s sitting next to you.
You name you children Bud, Herb, and Mary-Jane.
You roll perfect cigarettes.
You're still waiting for those flashbacks.
People you never met before ask if you can get them some weed.
You think 'All You Need Is Love' was written by Ghandi.
You can fall asleep in the mud under the rain.
You trespass onto private property to pick flowers.
If ... hey, what was I talking about?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2007, 12:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When my husband and I were living in Memphis we ordered Duck Breast from the local 5 star restaurant. I like my duck cooked rare, so I inquired, 'would that be rare duck?'
The waiter replied, 'No, it's just a regular old duck... local, I think.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-17-2007, 12:30 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 12:53 PM:
Rated G the little woman
Little Known Illnesses
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hairstyles.
DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.
HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.
HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.
HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.
CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.
VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.
SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.
ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.
OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:08 PM:
Rated G Diana
My daughter couldn't muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up our driveway, she lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick." "If it bothers you," I suggested gently, "why don't you do something about it."
"Good idea, Mom," she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-18-2007, 01:18 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"
"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."
The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-19-2007, 12:02 PM:
Rated G.....
A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:11 PM:
Rated G Diana
Mrs. Treemont: I didn't want to be alone on Valentine's Day, so I put an ad in the personals that said "Man Wanted" and got a hundred responses!
Blanche: My goodness, what did they say?
Mrs. Treemont: "You can have mine."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:21 PM:
Rated G B.B.
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.
Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.
"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-22-2007, 07:22 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Never kick a cow chip on a hot day."
-Will Rogers
Posted by Chris Slycord (Member # 4239) on 09-29-2007, 02:35 PM:
Rated G
For all the physics nerds out there.
Heisenberg gets pulled over by a cop.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Heisenberg: No... but I know exactly where I was.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2007, 08:01 AM:
Rated G Sheena in Aurora, Ont.
The Hormone guide
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My S**t
and my favorite one.
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Forward this information to all of your hormonal
friends and those who might need a good laugh...
and men who need a warning.
And remember: Money talks but Chocolate SINGS !!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-10-2007, 12:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."
Robert Orben
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-11-2007, 09:26 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
This is a great definition:
The following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's contemporary term is: Political Correctness.
"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional
minority and by the mainstream media which holds forth the propositionthat it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 06:47 PM:
Rated G Marty
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat; it's watching what your friends are eating.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 06:51 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?
ANSWER: He heard it had great circulation.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-12-2007, 06:52 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
A quiz program contestant had to identify famous slogans. After several correct responses, he was asked, "Which company originated the phrase 'Good to the last drop?'"
The contestant thought for a moment and replied, "Otis Elevator?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-15-2007, 11:04 AM:
Rated G Gerry
My husband who is an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:
"Check for clunking noise when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.
Back at the shop he opened the trunk and soon discovered the problem.
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2007, 02:40 PM:
Rated G B.B.
LOST and FOUND
A man received a phone call one day, and the caller asked if he had lost a parrot.
He said that he had indeed lost the bird, but wanted to know how the caller located him.
The caller said that the bird had landed on his balcony and kept repeating, "Hi, you have reached 555-1234. I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message at the tone."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2007, 02:56 PM:
Rated G B.B.
ODE TO PRESCRIPTIONS
A row of bottles on my shelf...Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I hope to pop...Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A white one that I take...Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones (that I use a lot)...Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple goes to my brain...And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,Or cough,or choke,or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones,so big and bright,Stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of fancy pills; Helping to cure all kinds of ills!
But what I'd really like to know...Is what tells each one where to go?
Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-17-2007, 03:02 PM:
Rated G Quirk
First you tell your friend that you are having an affair.
Then your friend asks you ... "Are you having it catered?"
THAT, my friends, is the definition of OLD!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 12:11 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I used to be a heavy gambler, but now I just make mental bets. That's how I lost my mind.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 12:46 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 12:47 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A key ring is a handy little device that was invented so you could lose ALL your keys at once!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 12:50 PM:
Rated G Drew
A friend of mine was enjoying his new car's powerful sound system by driving along with the volume way up. At a traffic light, he heard someone shout, "Hey, do you mind?" Stopped next to him was a young man in an open convertible. He pointed to an object in his hand and said, "Can't you see I'm on the phone?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 12:59 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 01:24 PM:
Rated G thewhiterabbit
MY LIVING WILL
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-18-2007, 01:53 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Come said the wind to the leaves one day, Come o'er the meadows and we will play. Put on your dresses scarlet and gold, For summer is gone and the days grow cold.
~ Unknown
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2007, 02:04 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A man arrived at his holiday guest-house and met the landlady. "Can you sing?" she snapped.
"No," he replied.
"Well, you'd better learn quickly. There's no lock on the bathroom door."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2007, 02:12 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
TOP TEN REASONS TO STUDY GEOGRAPHY:
10. You'll know the way to San Jose.
9. History will make a lot more sense.
8. You'll actually know where those coffee beans come from!
7. One of the most admired women in history, Mother Teresa, was a geography teacher.
6. Michael Jordan was a Geography major so you can be like Mike and make millions of dollars.
5. You might get to meet Alex Trebek.
4. You won't buy an Amtrak ticket from California to Hawaii.
3. You will be able to "find your way out of a paper bag".
2. You can catch all sorts of geography mistakes.
1. "Lost"? No way!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-20-2007, 03:41 PM:
Rated PG....
"Little Red Riding Hood" - the true story.......
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-20-2007, 08:55 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"The best puns for breakfast are synonym puns."
- Carlisle Teasdale
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2007, 10:43 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
It was Brenda's first camping experience and as soon as she had pitched her tent, she went for a hike in the woods. Twenty minutes later she rushed back into camp, bruised, bleeding, and limping.
"What happened?" asked a fellow camper.
"I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Brenda.
The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly."
"Listen," groaned Brenda, "If he can make you jump off a fifty- foot cliff, he is!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-21-2007, 10:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day during practice, there was a horrible accident and the husband was killed.
The wife was extremely dejected. The strong man asked her what she was going to do.
The wife answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another man of his caliber."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:18 AM:
Rated G Loriraine
When asked to write a paper on what she was thankful for on Thanksgiving little Allison wrote:
I'm thankful that I'm not a turkey!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:24 AM:
Rated G : Lorraine
SCREAMING SKULLS:
Screaming Skulls are human remains that are supposed to be haunted by the spirit that once lived within them. There are many famous Screaming Skulls and these are believed by some to scream the loudest on the anniversary of their death. Often a Screaming Skull has a lurid history, for example The Screaming Skull of Wardley Hall in Manchester, UK. This skull is said to have belonged to one Roger Downes who was decapitated in a sword fight on London Bridge. His head was delivered back to his home at Wardley Hall and there placed in an opening within the wall on the staircase. Some years later, according to legend, a servant found the head, which was now just a skull, and threw it into the moat that surrounded the old hall. That night Wardley Hall was subjected to a terrible howling storm in which screams said to be from the skull were heard. The next day the then owner ordered the moat drained, retrieved the skull and replaced it in the hole beside the staircase. It remains there to this very day. One Screaming Skull in the town of Bettiscombe UK was reported to have dug itself out of the grave it was placed in having been removed from its previous location in the manor house. The screams were supposedly heard by the townsfolk who, by some accounts, were terrified. The Bettiscombe Skull was also returned to its place in the manor house where the screaming and the digging stopped. It seems that in all events it is best to let Screaming Skulls remain where they are happiest. Perhaps not too surprisingly there are those that doubt the veracity of reports concerning Screaming Skulls.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:27 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Sign on gate at the pig farm: "No Porking in Driveway."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:30 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Cat Tails ...
Where does a cat go when it loses its tail?
The retail store.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:40 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: Why didn’t the baby goose believe anything his father said?
ANSWER: He thought it was all papagander.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-25-2007, 09:51 AM:
Rated G B.B.
New Old Sayings
Anywhere you hang your @ is home.
The e-mail of the species is deadlier than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
C:\ is the root of all directories.
Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-20-2007, 04:20 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doc:"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?" D
Doc: "Well,It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing tolook at either.
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,so they lit a fire in the craft.Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingin the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse."But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said,"I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goesto a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally,there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make themlaugh. No pun in ten did.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-06-2007, 08:44 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
Teach your children to be polite and courteous in the home and when
they grow up, they'll never be able to merge their car onto the
freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a
man who can't get his pants off.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-10-2007, 05:12 PM:
Rated G Drew
Ten percent of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking.
So ninety percent of accidents are due to people who are stone-cold sober. Triple
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-13-2007, 07:48 AM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Snow White
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine. "Vote for Hillary, Vote for Hillary."
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-26-2007, 12:19 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I know my company has made a big effort to be family friendly, but I was baffled when I read this holiday announcement posted on the bulletin board: "All employees are invited to the annual Christmas party. All children under the age of ten will receive a gift from Santa. Employees who have no children may bring grandchildren."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-26-2007, 12:32 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
WHAT REINDEER TALK ABOUT DURING THEIR CHRISTMAS FLIGHT
10. "Sheesh! What's he been eating this year? ROCKS?"
9. "He shouts all our names all the time, sure, but do you really think he knows which one is which?"
8. "I never knew Donner had a tattoo THERE!"
7. "Sure...HIS seat is a floatation device. What about us?"
6. "Tried those new lite oats? You really should."
5. "Man, I hope we pause on a rooftop soon. I'm beat."
4. "HEY!" Watch the antlers there, buddy!"
3. "Did you hear you-know-who got a nose job?"
2. "You know, after a few hundred miles, these jingle bells really get annoying!"
1. "So, you want to go someplace afterward for some reindeer games?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:43 PM:
Rated G Diana
An old man goes to a school reunion where he finds that his surviving classmates are only interested in talking about their ailments: kidney stones, heart murmurs, liver pains, etc.
When he gets home his daughter asks him how it went. "It wasn't much of a reunion," he replies. "It was more like an organ recital."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in a store.
When the salesman slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of his tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of his predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, the salesman found himself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
"Look, Agnes," her friend said. "He wants to go home with you!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-27-2007, 02:52 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull and a Collie?
ANSWER: A dog that rips your arm off and then goes for help.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2007, 11:51 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Cajun Math Test
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree."Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
" Each of da trees is dirty now. So,it's dirty tree,and dirty tree,and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt."You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
WHEN DO I START?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-28-2007, 08:07 PM:
Rated G Diane
Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2008
Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions:Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky .. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut save you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The Number 1 Thought For 2008
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Dept. of Agriculture in charge of Immigration.
' Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers.
What you do today, might Burn Your Butt Tomorrow'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-03-2008, 09:21 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 01:25 PM:
Rated G Throwing Dollars
A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.
"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"
"You have to remember." answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot further in those days."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 01:33 PM:
Rated G Micky
Hickory hickory dock.
The mouse ran up the
clock. The clock
struck one,
But the rest
got away with
minor injuries.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 01:53 PM:
Rated G How to Trap a Bear
1. Dig a big hole.
2. Fill it with peas. (Bears love pea's)
3. You hide.
4. When the bear goes to take a pea. You kick him in the hole.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 07:45 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Imagine what the world would sound like if the inventor of the telephone had been Alexander Graham Siren.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-06-2008, 07:47 PM:
Rated G lbp
If I knew what brand of whiskey he [General Grant] drinks, I would send a barrel or so to some other generals.
Abraham Lincoln
Source: Remark at Cabinet meeting, 1864
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-10-2008, 08:03 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Highway sign:
SPEED LIMIT 65 for most cars and some trucks under 8,000 pounds, only if they're empty, unless you weigh over 300 pounds, then divide by six.
For additional information call the IRS, which helped write this."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 08:40 AM:
Rated G B.B.
You Like Chop Suey?
Seated next to an arrogant blowhard at a UN dinner was a quiet, Asian gentleman dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.
The blowhard, in a feeble attempt to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You like soupee?" The Asian fellow smiled and nodded his head.
"You like steakee?" The Asian nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Asian friend who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United Nations' definition of "encouragement to self- reliance" by underdeveloped countries of the world. The speech was flawless in Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table and sat down. Turning to his dinner partner, he asked, "So, you like speechee?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 01:28 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
I regularly do my exercises first thing in the morning.
Immediately after waking, I sternly say to myself, "Ready, now. Up. Down. Up. Down."
And after two strenuous minutes I tell myself, "Okay, now try the other eyelid."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-11-2008, 01:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."
One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 02:14 PM:
Rated G Diane in Mississippi
Comments made in the year 1955!
That's only 52 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00..'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL of DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Ah! Memories................................................
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:03 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Audrey, my 16-year-old daughter, often babysits seven-year-old Jessica, who lives directly across from us.
When Audrey started going out with Joe, our next door neighbor, they'd spend hours sitting on our front steps talking.
One day Joe was doing his homework at a desk in front of a bay window looking out at our house. After glaring out the window for a while, he finally slammed his books shut.
"I can't work here," he told his mom. "I'm in love over there!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:32 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
On June 9th, 1978, Bob Specas attempted to topple 100,000 dominoes at New York's Manhattan Center.
Unfortunately, his effort to topple the world record was thwarted during the preparations when a television cameraman dropped his press badge...and set off 97,500 dominoes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:36 PM:
Rated R Lorraine
At a concert in January 1997, Dave Matthews took to the stage with a note in hand. "I have a message from Bill who is in the 7th row," he announced. "This message is a request. It says 'Dave, PLEASE play 'Lover Lay Down' because if you play that, I will get laid by my girlfriend, Jill.'
"Hey Bill, I wrote the damn song," Matthews declared. "If anything, Jill and I should be gettin' it on tonight!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-13-2008, 03:39 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One day in January 2003, famed hedge-fund manager Edward Lampert was abducted by three men from his company's car park. The gang soon demanded a multi-million dollar ransom.
On Sunday, January 12th, Lampert was released unharmed. Had his family paid the ransom? Not exactly...His kidnappers were caught when they used his credit card to order a pizza.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2008, 09:30 AM:
Rated G
They're written by Andy Rooney , a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.......
I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned.... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2008, 02:30 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A young man in a wheelchair entered the library at Bucks Community College with his teacher. She asked if I, the librarian, could recommend any books about people overcoming handicaps. "He was in a car accident a year ago and the doctors say he may never walk again."
On impulse, I chose 'The Story of My Life by Helen Keller'. Bruce, the young man, showed little interest when I explained that Helen Keller had been born deaf and blind, managed to overcome this double handicap and became a spokesman for people with serious handicaps.
I completely forgot the incident until a few weeks later when Bruce appeared at the library door. "I read the book," he told me in triumph. "I want to thank you. If Helen Keller could overcome what she had, then I knew I could, too."
He was on crutches.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2008, 02:39 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"A new company has developed a Lazy Boy-style recliner. It can handle up to 600 pounds. It tilts up to help overweight people. Didn't that used to be called a forklift?"
~Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-14-2008, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"What a rainstorm we've had. To give you an idea of how much rain we've had, the Chia Pet I got for Christmas last year that I threw away last Friday, is now blocking my driveway."
-Jay Leno
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:29 PM:
Rated G Gerry
Delbert and Fletch, two industrial robots, escaped from the engineering lab one Saturday night. They decided to separate, pick up some dates and meet later. A few hours passed and Delbert arrived at the meeting place. He found Fletch standing in front of a mailbox and a fire alarm. "Who are your two friends?" asked Delbert.
"Forget them," sighed Fletch. "The short, fat one with the big mouth just stands there, and if you touch the redhead she screams her lungs out.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:43 PM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
You may succeed if nobody else believes in you, but you will never succeed if you don't believe in yourself.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:54 PM:
Rated PG
CHICKEN DOO DOO MUCKS UP IOWA ROAD
MASON CITY, Iowa - A truck driver was cited after a load of chicken manure spilled out of his semi, covering a road for more than a mile in rural Cerro Gordo County.
"The end gate failed on the semi and that's what caused it," sheriff's Deputy Frank Hodak said of the spill, which happened Thursday on a two-lane road northeast of Mason City.
Hodak said the driver from Nora Springs, didn't realize there was a problem.
"No, not for a 1 1/2 miles. I think he went to turn on a different road and saw it," Hodak said.
The deputy said he had "no clue" how much manure spilled, but it was a lot.
"The whole southbound lane of the road was completely blocked. It was probably about 3 inches deep," Hodak said.
Heavy equipment, including a skidloader and endloader, was brought in to clean up the mess. The county then dumped sand on the road. Clean up took about 2 hours.
The truck driver was cited by the Iowa Department of Motor Vehicle Enforcement with spilling a load on the highway, several gross over weight charges and improper load securement, the sheriff's office said.
Hodak said the road is fairly busy, but officials were able to divert traffic into the other lane and there were no accidents.
"A lot of people drove through it," Hodak said, adding that hey probably had to wash their cars.
"I had to wash mine," he said.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-15-2008, 02:59 PM:
Rated PG Lorraine
SHOUTING MACAW SCARES OFF BURGLAR AT PET STORE
Watch dogs are a pretty common first line of security for U.S. homes and businesses. Watch birds not so much.
But that didn't stop Merlin, a seven-year-old blue-and-gold macaw who scared off a burglar at a Massachusetts pet store this week. Intruders smashed the front window of Pet Palace in Leominster, about 45 miles (72 km) west of Boston, and as they entered the store the bird began to shout, said store manager.
"When he hears someone come into the building, or the puppies get riled up or whatever, he'll start calling for Rhonda, who is the woman who used to own him. He was screaming for Rhonda and they weren't aware that it was a bird and not a person. And so they took flight rather quickly."
Macaws are a variety of parrot, a highly intelligent group of birds known for their ability to reproduce human speech.
The pet store owner said police figured out what happened when they arrived and heard the bird screaming in the back room. The burglar escaped with just $15 (7.66 pounds) in change.
It was not the first time the bird's voice confused a person.
"He has some really colorful language, so he spends a lot of time in the back of the store. And you really can't tell that it's a bird. He sounds just like a person when he talks, a lot of times people are fooled by that."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-17-2008, 08:00 AM:
Rated G Marty
Upon their return from an excursion to our planet, two Martians presented their chief with a television set.
"We couldn't manage to capture any Earthlings," they explained, "but we did get our hands on one of their gods."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-26-2008, 07:41 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
YEAR'S BEST (ACTUAL) HEADLINES OF 2007
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says No, really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is.
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone to whom you want to bring a smile (Maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, keep laughing it will keep you young.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2008, 04:22 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
You wanna have laughs?
Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going.
I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-29-2008, 04:38 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
People say fish is good for a diet.
But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-30-2008, 03:46 PM:
Rated G the little woman
A recent survey done by marriage experts shows that the most common form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're what?!?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2008, 06:24 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Abigail Van Buren ("Dear Abby") received many oddball questions from troubled readers. Among her favorites?
Dear Abby, I'm a 50-year-old widow and my doctor says I need a husband or the equivalent. Would it be alright if I borrowed my sister's husband?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-31-2008, 06:34 PM:
Rated G the little woman
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through--over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.
"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"
Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 02-09-2008, 01:05 PM:
RATED PG
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BCE), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Test of Three?"
"That's correct," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well, maybe not..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True, Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated, ashamed, and said no more.
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher, and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-10-2008, 07:16 PM:
Rated G to X Rated " The Man Beneath The Sign"
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read,'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.
'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me,
'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
7) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
8) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently,his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,'she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won' t let me talk!'
10) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-04-2008, 12:48 PM:
Rated G Elaine
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts.
After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2008, 02:07 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When I was expecting twins, my oldest brother, Tim, arranged a baby pool with all our family members. He asked each of them to guess the date of arrival and the weight and sex of the babies. When he came around to me, I asked, "Do I get to guess, too?"
"No," Tim answered, "you have inside information."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-05-2008, 08:15 PM:
Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont.
For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.
Men are like....
1. Men are like .. Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like .... Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .... Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores .... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ...... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .... . Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like . Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
You Got Served!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-10-2008, 12:23 PM:
Rated G Mr. Hollywood
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930's - 40's,- 50's, - 60's and 70's !!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking .
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents .
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Football teams had trials and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produce d some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 03-10-2008, 03:47 PM:
Rated PG....
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had "covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years, whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
Their findings were surprising:
In 38 of the 50 states, the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shi*t!"
But that wasn't the surprising part. In the the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, West Virginia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas, things were much different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin'."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2008, 04:41 PM:
Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont.
This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down.......
Look down, not scroll down !!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 01:38 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
I don't think our kids know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that 'old-time apron' that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER........
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter to thaw.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 04:20 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
When the winds of March are wakening the crocuses and crickets, Did you ever find a fairy near some budding little thickets,... And when she sees you creeping up to get a closer peek She tumbles through the daffodils, a playing hide and seek.
Marjorie Barrows
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-12-2008, 04:46 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Van Gogh's Family Tree - His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh - The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh - The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop an Gogh - The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh - The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh - His magician uncle - Where-diddy Gogh - His Mexican cousin - A mee Gogh - The Mexican cousin's American half-brother - Ring Gogh - The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wells-far Gogh - The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh - The ballroom dancing aunt - Tang Gogh - The bird lover uncle - Flaming Gogh - His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh - The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh - An aunt who taught positive thinking - Way-to Gogh - The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh - A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh - His niece who traveled the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2008, 08:02 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
While cruising in his brand new $200,000 Mercedes-Benz armoured car in August 2002, South African Zulu king Goodwill Zwelithini was dismayed to learn that one of its bulletproof tires had been punctured...by a nail on the road.
The cost of a new tire? More than $2,000.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:34 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:41 PM:
Rated G Charles
An optimist is a person who starts putting on his shoes when the lecturer says, "and now in conclusion..."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:45 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Rain is what makes flowers grow and taxis disappear."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:48 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-14-2008, 02:50 PM:
Rated G Strode
Dictionary Updates
**Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
**Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
**Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
**Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
**Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
**Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
**Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
**Classic: books that people praise, but do not read.
**Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
**Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
**Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
**Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
**Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
**Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
**Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
**Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
**Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
**Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See, I am not injured yet."
**Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
**Father: A banker provided by nature.
**Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
**Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
**Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-16-2008, 05:47 PM:
Rated G B.B.
I just read an article on the dangers of eating too much fat and drinking too much and it scared the heck out of me. So I told myself, "That's it!"
After today, no more reading.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 02:55 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
SENIOR PERSONAL ADS SEEN IN FLORIDA NEWSPAPERS...
Foxy Lady: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp- dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Long-term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
Beatles or Stones? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
Mint Condition: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Sign on a music store window: "Come in, pick out a drum, then beat it!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:18 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Can a piece of antique clothing be uncomfortable?
Of corset can.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:19 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Whatever dressing one gives to mushrooms, to whatever sauces our Apiciuses put them, they are not really good but to be sent back to the dungheap where they are born."
Denis Diderot...1713-1784
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:21 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"At a dinner-party one should eat wisely but not too well, and talk well but not too wisely."
W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), A Writer's Notebook (1949)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-17-2008, 03:23 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Excellence can be obtained if you:
...care more than others think is wise;
...risk more than others think is safe;
...dream more than others think is practical;
...expect more than others think is possible.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-20-2008, 05:36 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Virgin Records founder Richard Branson, famed for his love of adventure, once offered a word of advice to fellow thrill- seekers:
"If you're embarking around the world in a hot-air balloon, don't forget the toilet paper. Once, we had to wait for incoming faxes."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 10:55 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
There was a young lady one fall
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 11:00 AM:
Rated G B.B.
*City Kids Camping*
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "we might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-21-2008, 11:03 AM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq , was the cradle of civilization!
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !
6. Isaac's wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq
8. Jonah preached in Nineveh - which is in Iraq
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel
10. Amos cried out in Iraq !
11 Babylon , which is in Iraq , destroyed Jerusalem
12. Daniel was in the lion's den in Iraq !
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the 'writing on the wall' in Iraq
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq
16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq
The names used in the Bible are Babylon , Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia . The word Mesopotamia means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers . The name Iraq , means country with deep roots. Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.
No other nation, except Israel, has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 09:05 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
In September 1784, Charles Fox accompanied his brother to Moorfields in London to witness the famed Lunardi make an ascent in a hot-air balloon. While standing in a large crowd, Fox felt a foreign hand in his pocket - and quickly turned and grabbed the would-be pickpocket by the wrist.
"You have chosen an occupation," he angrily declared, "which will bring you to utter ruin, my friend." When the thief begged for mercy, explaining that his wife was starving and his children were ill, Fox gave him a guinea but cautioned him he mend his ways.
When, some time later, Fox discovered that his watch had disappeared, his brother explained that his "friend" had taken it. "You saw him take it, and yet you made no move to stop him!?" Fox cried, incredulous. "Well," his brother replied, "you appeared to be on such good terms with each other that I did not choose to interfere."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 09:10 PM:
Rated G B.B.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The others are weekdays.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-22-2008, 09:11 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"I think that if you're not playing the game, and you don't own the team, you can only be so passionate--unless you've got gambling debts."
Dave Chappelle~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 08:52 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Give a bag full of jelly beans...Colorful and sweet Tell them it's a prayer It's a promise ...It's an Easter Treat !
~Charlene Dickson
THE JELLY BEAN PRAYER
RED is for the blood He shed
GREEN for growing til the end
BLACK is for the sin He bore
YELLOW is for the sun so bright
ORANGE is for the joy of life
WHITE is for His grace for all
PURPLE is for His robe of sorrow
PINK is for a new tomorrow
SENDING JOYOUS WISHES FOR A BLESSED EASTER
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-24-2008, 12:21 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Did you hear about the crossword puzzle addict who died and was buried six feet down and three across?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-25-2008, 08:53 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Question: What's the easist way to count a herd of cattle?
Answer: Use a cowculator.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2008, 03:53 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up an accordion.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-26-2008, 04:32 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Reasons Why Farm Trucks Are Never Stolen"
1.They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.
2.Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.
3.It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.
4.It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.
5.The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.
6.They're too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver's side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.
7.The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you're being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren't cracked and covered with duct tape.
8.Top speed is only about 45 mph.
9.Who wants a truck that needs a year's worth of maintenance, u- joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.
10.It's hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2008, 12:39 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist and a Druid?
Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2008, 12:51 PM:
Rated G Uncle Bubba
You need a new car when . . .
~ You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.
~ You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.
~ You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.
~ The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."
~ The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.
~ You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.
~ The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-27-2008, 12:54 PM:
Rated G Quirk
"Here's a sure sign spring is around the corner: Donald Trump evicted a family of robins out of his hair."
-David Letterman
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 01:19 PM:
Rated G Tom in Toronto
Two friends are talking and one says to the other; “I am so tired of people not understanding what I'm talking about.
His friend asks; “What do you mean?”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:49 PM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
I'm sorry for not communicating but sometimes it's hard to write on a moving planet!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:51 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 02:52 PM:
Rated G
After getting her truck repaired for the third time that month, my friend lamented to the repairman, "What I need is a money machine."
"I'd like one too," he said.
"You already have one," my friend observed. You've got my truck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-28-2008, 03:08 PM:
Rated G
Signs in the USA (mostly)
In front of a New Hampshire restaurant
"Now serving live lobsters"
On the menu of a restaurant
"Blackened bluefish"
In a Maine restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
In a New Jersey restaurant
"Open seven days a week and weekends."
On the walls of a Baltimore estate
"Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.
-- Sisters of Mercy"
On a long established New Mexico dry cleaning store
"Thirty-eight years on the same spot."
In a New York drugstore
"We dispense with accuracy."
In a New York medical building
"Mental Health Prevention Center"
On a New York convalescent home
"For the sick and tired of the Episcopal church"
In a funeral parlor
"Ask about our layaway plan."
In a clothing store
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
Outside a country shop
"We buy junk and sell antiques."
In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store
"15 men's wool suits - $100 - They won't last an hour!"
In a Massachusetts parking area reserved for birdwatchers
"Parking for birds only."
In the vestry of a New England church
"Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished"
In a laundry room
"Do not put wet clothes in dryers, as this can cause irreparable damage."
A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O'Hare Field in Chicago
"Do not activate with wet hands."
In a New Hampshire jewelry store
"Ears pierced while you wait."
In a New York restaurant
"Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."
A sign in an Asian seafood store in Madison, Wisconsin
"Crap - .79/lb."
In a Florida maternity ward
"No children allowed."
In the offices of a loan company
"Ask about our plans for owning your home."
At a number of US military bases
"Restricted to unauthorized personnel."
On a display of 'You are my one and only' valentine cards
"Now available in multi-packs"
In the window of an Oregon general store
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On the grounds of a private school
"No trespassing without permission."
In a library
"Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public stops taking it away."
On a Tennessee highway
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
In front of a New Hampshire car wash
"If you can't read this, it's time you wash your car."
On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon
"Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
A sign on top of a San Fransico drug store located across the street from the Transbay bus terminal. "Terminal Drugs"
From the safety information card in America West Airline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tella crew member."
On a delicatessen wall
"Our best is none too good"
On a roller caoster
"Watch your head"
On a Maine shop
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
In downtown Boston
"Callahan Tunnel / No end."
A sign on a front yard in York, Maine
"Inexpensive, Quality Daycare - Openings Day and Night."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-29-2008, 02:26 PM:
Rated G Dave
Looking at the voting on this joke page I have had three feelings at different times.
Please read all three and pick one.
#1: Someone needs a hug [3 points]
#2: Someone needs a sense of humour [6 points]
#3: Someone needs a kick in the seat [9 points]
Find results below
3 points - Someone needs a hug
6 points - Someone needs a hug
9 points - Someone needs a sense of humour
If I have offended - Someone needs a hug
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 11:03 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store, Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right, What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COS TELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:35 PM:
Rated G B.B.
John and Mary were walking along the shore one Sunday afternoon when they spotted a dock projecting into the harbor. They decided to walk to the end of the dock and sit down to rest .
Mary, in her infinite boredom, suggested to John, "While we walk to the end of the dock, why don't you count the number of slats used to build it, and I'll count the number of slits between the slats?''
John replied, "O.K., I will count the slats, and you will count the slits.'' So the couple merrily trooped down the dock. John counted, "One slat!''
Mary counted, "One slit!''
"Two slats!''
"Two slits!'' And, well, you know how the natural numbers work. Eventually John and Mary approached the end of the dock.
"327 slats!''
"327 slits!''
"328 slats!''
They had reached the end of the dock. Mary was puzzled. "John, there are no more slits. What does it mean?''
John turned to Mary and said, "When you're out of slits, you're out of pier."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:39 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Don't kick a man when he's down unless you're certain he won't get up.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:40 PM:
Rated G Charles
The two most important things about your income are make it first, and then make it last.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-03-2008, 04:42 PM:
Rated G Dog Face
Q: At what time of day are all dental appointments supposed to be?
A: Tooth-Hurty (2:30)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-08-2008, 08:52 PM:
Rated G
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?'
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone.'
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely Day
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2008, 12:23 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Every saint has a past. Every sinner has a future!
~Barbara Johnson~
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2008, 12:26 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.
- Plato
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2008, 12:28 PM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of Passage?
His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN.
He cannot tell the other boys of this experience, because each lad must come into manhood on his own. The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man!
Finally, after a horrific night the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-09-2008, 12:30 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:29 PM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
Women! First they marry you for your money... then they divorce you for it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-10-2008, 04:39 PM:
Rated G Elaine
Even with a thousand games, dolls and crafts to choose from, my customer at the toy store still couldn't find a thing for her grandson. "Maybe a video or something educational?" I asked.
"No, that's not it," she said. We wandered the aisles until something caught her eye: a laser gun with flashing lights and 15 different high-pitched sounds.
"This is perfect," she said beaming. "My daughter-in-law will hate it."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:40 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village.
"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant.
"All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this ugly, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:47 AM:
Rated G the little woman
Handy Hints for Campers . . .
*Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
*When smoking a fish, never inhale.
*Steer clear of parks named for landfills.
*While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
*Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
*Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
*You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 11:53 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Resolutions
Give up complaining...and focus on gratitude.
Give up harsh judgments...think kind thoughts.
Give up worry...trust divine providence.
Give up discouragement...be full of hope.
Give up bitterness...turn to forgiveness.
Give up hatred...return good for evil.
Give up anger...practice patience.
Give up pettiness...put on maturity.
Give up gloom...enjoy the beauty that is around you.
Give up jealousy...pray for trust.
Give up gossiping...control your tongue.
Give up sin...turn to virtue.
You can't direct the wind,but you can adjust your sail.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:00 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A computer DOES save time at work.
I can play solitaire without having to spend all that time shuffling real cards.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:12 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Twelve tenors and a baritone were climbing Mount Everest and they fell down into the crevasse.
All of them managed to hang on to the rope, but it was clear that the rope couldn't hold them all.
They decided one man would have to let go.
The baritone said, "Okay, I'm only a baritone. There are so many baritones and so few tenors. The music world cannot bear to lose you, so I'll sacrifice myself to save your lives."
And the tenors all applauded and feel to their deaths.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:13 PM:
Rated G the little woman
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
Three...if you slice them real thin.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:17 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
I was at this banquet and my false teeth were hurting me, so the guy sitting next to me reaches into his pocket and pulls out some dentures, and says, "Try these."
So I do. But they're too tight. He give me another set, he says, "Try these."
I try them and they're fine. I wear them for the rest of the banquet, then I give them back.
I say, "Thanks. Lucky for me I was sitting next to a dentist."
He says, "No, I'm an undertaker."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 12:18 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Did you know that is 1553, the Norwegians invented the toilet seat?
Really?
Yeah. Later, the Italians invented the hole in the middle of it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 01:43 PM:
Rated G Diane in MS
When times were fun........
Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a Race of innocents, and they were you and me,
For Ike was in the White House in that Land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn.
We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.
We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.
We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me Me.
Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.
And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me Me.
We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.
We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.
We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk, yet, in the Land That Made Me Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made me Me.
We'd never seen the rock band that was Grateful to be Dead,
And Airplanes weren't named Jefferson, and Zeppelins were not Led.
And Beatles lived i n gardens then, and Monkeys lived in trees,
Madonna was a virgin in the Land That Made Me Me.
We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.
And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never coed in the Land That Made Me Me.
We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.
And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me Me.
Buicks came with porthole s, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.
And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea
Or prime-time ads for condoms in the Land That Made Me Me.
There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda, and cats were not called Bill.
And middle-aged was 35 and old was 43,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me Me.
But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me Me.
So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me Me.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 02:22 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those people who opposed them.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-11-2008, 02:33 PM:
Rated G LAURIE
Common Forms of Office Illness
1. The Macy's One Day Sale Flu.
2. The Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24 Hour Virus.
3. The Friday Afternoon Start The Weekend Early Sudden Unbearable Stomach Pains.
4. The I'm Looking for a New Job and I Don't Know How Long It's Going to Take but I Want To Stay On the Payroll Until Then Mysterious Infection.
5. The My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off So Suddenly I'm Too Contagious To Come In To the Office Disease.
6. The I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments Bout of Influenza.
7. The There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off Sickness.
8. The It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again General Ailment.
9. The I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music Terminal Illness.
10. The I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills and the Completed Medical Expense Reimbursement Forms to Prove It Infirmity.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 07:06 AM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
Jeff Foxworthy
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 07:16 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
"Would you like a cup of coffee?"
"No, thanks. When I drink coffee I can't sleep."
"Huhh. In my case it's the other way around. When I sleep, I can't drink coffee."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 07:27 AM:
Rated G B.B.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits --- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr --- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
The Bee Gees --- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin --- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash --- I Can't See Clearly Now.
Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye --- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer --- Yo u Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations --- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba --- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando -Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy --- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore --- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And my favorite:
Willie Nelson --- On the Commode Again
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 07:29 AM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
Don't Go To Bed
I've heard it said don't go to bed while hanging on to sorrow, you may not have the chance to laugh with those you love tomorrow.
You may not mean the words you speak when anger takes its toll, you may regret your actions once you've lost your self control.
When you've lost your temper and you've said some hurtful things, think about the heartache that your actions sometimes bring.
You'll never get those moments back, such precious time to waste, and all because of things you said in anger and in haste.
So if you're loving someone and your pride has settled in, you may not ever have the chance to say to them again...
"I love you and I miss you and although we don't agree, I'll try to see your point of view,, please do the same for me."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2008, 08:17 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
With age comes wisdom
A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there,floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes,I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure than you ever could have dreamed of.'
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will give you sexual pleasures like you have never had.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 06:02 AM:
Rated G
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
![[uhoh]](graemlins/uhoh.gif)
![[Cool]](cool.gif)
![[sleep]](graemlins/sleep.gif)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 06:12 AM:
Rated G
A Mathematician,a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be empty again."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 07:05 AM:
Rated G One Liners
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 07:52 AM:
Rated G Jokester
New Windows Messages
1. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
15. User Error: Replace user.
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
17. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Computer Proverbs
* Home is where you hang your @.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* C: is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Speed thrills.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 08:51 AM:
Rated R
Goodyear Rubber
Question: What is the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
Answer: One's a good year and the other's a great year!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 03:04 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of "May Day!"?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 03:12 PM:
Rated G Harold
Harold said, "I smell much better today."
George said, "Why, New deoderant?"
Harold replied, "No, I got my nose fixed!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 03:18 PM:
Rated G B.B.
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING TOO OLD TO DRIVE
It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.
When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.
It scares you to drive the speed limit.
The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.
You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.
You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.
Your turn signal has been on since 2003.
Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.
When the police pull you over, they're surprised to find out you're sober.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 04:08 PM:
Rated G
A woman goes into a greengrocer and is looking round anxiously at a pile of oranges.
"Can I help you madam?" asks the shopkeeper.
"Well, I was looking for some fruit for my husband. Have these oranges been treated with any posoinous fertilizer or weedkiller?" she replies.
"No madam, you'll have to get that from the chemist's."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 04:10 PM:
Rated G
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart.
Trying to save face, she says to the waiter, "Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow. "Which way was it headed?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 04:14 PM:
Rated G
"Good morning, I'd like some talcum powder, please."
"Certainly sir. Please walk this way.
"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2008, 04:15 PM:
Rated G
"Good morning, I'd like some rat poison, please."
"I'm sorry sir, we don't sell it. Have you tried Boots?"
"No, poisoning is much more humane than kicking them to death."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 03:58 PM:
Rated G B.B.
A Healthy Diet!
Can't eat beef ... mad cow.
Can't eat chicken ... bird flu
Can't eat eggs ... Salmonella
Can't eat pork ... fears that bird flu will infect piggies
Can't eat fish ... heavy metals in the
waters has poisoned their meat
Can't eat fruits and veggies...insecticides and herbicides
Hmmmmmmmmm.....
I believe that leaves Chocolate!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-15-2008, 04:29 PM:
Rated X
The talking clock
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock." the drunk replied.
A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup." replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch!" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you asshole ... it's ten past three in the morning!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 07:42 AM:
Rated G
Actor Jokes
Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?
Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?
Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.
Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.
Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.
Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.
Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."
Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.
Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.
Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.
Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.
Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.
Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant
How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.
That's All Folks
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-16-2008, 02:05 PM:
Rated G B.B.
"Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."
- Dennis Wholey
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-19-2008, 02:33 PM:
Rated G
Picking Baby's Name the Easy Way
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor 's son: Bill
Meteorologist's daughter: Haley
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug
Hair Stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank
Gambler's daughter: Betme
Exercise guru's son: Jim
Cattle Thief's son: Russell
Painter's son: Art
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV show star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Barber's son: Harry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 08:12 AM:
Rated G Marty
I decided to grow a beard, and within two weeks my chin was covered with a long stubble.
One day, crossing the street, I noticed that the driver of a car stopped at the walkway was an attractive young woman.
Our eyes met; hers grew wider as she leaned over to lock the passenger-side door. I went home and shaved.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 08:14 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"Earlier tonight, all three presidential candidates appeared on "American Idol."
Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell, looked at them and said, "Wait, there's a black guy, a white woman, and a cranky guy. You stole our formula."
~Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Quirk
"This week Madonna announced that she's going to adopt a child from India. She already has one from Africa.
When she heard about it, Angelina Jolie called Madonna and said, "I'll see your India and raise you a Thailand."
~Conan O'Brien
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 10:32 AM:
Rated G
Ahh the Human Race[/ b]
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how . . ?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's *just* a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
(Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day . . )
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 10:35 AM:
Rated G
Your Daily Moment of Zen
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart, or your stomach growls in church.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 12:14 PM:
Rated G
Pale Gail
Gail had been sick so she was feeling quite frail. Frail Gail was told by her doctor that she was cured and now hale and hearty.
So hale frail Gail decided to go to the beach and get a healthy tan so she would not be pale hale frail Gail. But one day a dead whale washed up on the beach behind her home.
Hale pale frail Gail could tell it had been a male, but now it was quite dead.
So hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale sat outside her beach house while she thought about what to do with it.
Gail decided to see if she could sell part of the whale, so she advertised in a newspaper that the flukes were for sale.
Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale caused a lot of people to visit her house and pretty soon people had trampled a path into her back yard and on to the beach.
To protect her flowers Gail decided to put up a rail along the trail to the whale. Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail worked quite well except that one nail she used to make the rail stuck out and stuck anyone who bumped into it.
Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail impale nail was a hazard.
So much so that one person sent her a letter threatening to sue if the nail was not fixed.
Hale pale frail Gail's stale male whale tail sale trail rail impale nail mail convinced her it was time to go home from the beach.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-20-2008, 12:18 PM:
Rated G
Hairy Mary
Mary never cut her hair. So her hair grew and grew, on her head, her arms, and her legs. Some people called her Hairy Mary. Mary did not like being called that, so she did not like people who called her that behind her back.
Mary was so careful about not being friends with people who called her Hairy Mary that some called her Wary Hairy Mary.
Mary owned many cows that she milked to sell to people. There was lots of grass for her cows because Mary lived on the prairie next to the highway, but the pasture where her cows grazed was on the other side of a river. So Mary built a flat boat to carry her cows across the river called the Wary Hairy Mary Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry.
One day, Mary got the idea of using berries to flavor her milk. Soon her Wary Hairy Mary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry became famous.
People always asked her to mix all kinds of different berries together with the milk. But Mary angrily said no, she only sold ordinary berry flavored milk.
Everybody liked her ordinary berry flavored milk, but people thought she was a little scary, and so some people called her Scary Wary Hairy Mary. This made Mary even madder, so sometimes Mary became very contrary and would not give them a ride on her ferry. So they started calling it the Very Contrary Scary Wary Hairy Mary Ordinary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry.
However, people soon discovered if you asked her very politely in a very gracious way to let you ride across the river, she would always let you ride.
Pretty soon everybody learned the Very Contrary Scary Wary Hairy Mary Ordinary Berry Prairie Dairy Carry Ferry Query so they could ride across the river.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2008, 09:29 PM:
Rated G
WARNING FROM PAKISTAN
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if military action against Iraq and Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America 's and Canada 's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Bell and Rogers customer service reps.
It's going to get ugly folks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-21-2008, 09:54 PM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-22-2008, 08:23 PM:
Rated G B.B.
T-Shirt Slogans
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)
Wrinkled wasn't one of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
"Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."
"Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 06:03 AM:
Rated G
I'm one of the 55. Are You?
fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and yo u can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.
ONLY FORWARD IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 01:35 PM:
Rated G
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $10 worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 02:14 PM:
Rated G Cuti Patuti
The Future of Nursery Rhymes
apologies if you don't recognise them
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall The structure of the wall was incorrect So he won a grand with Claims Direct
It's Raining, it's Pouring Oh shit, it's Global warming
Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead Now it goes to school with her between two chunks of bread.
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair, Said Simple Simon to the pie man "what have you got there?" Said the pie man unto Simon Pies you dickhead.
Mary had a little lamb it ran into a pylon. 10,000 vols went up its arse and turned its wool to nylon.
Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie kissed the girls and made them cry, When the boys came out to play he kissed them too 'cos he liked it that way...
Jack and jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing, Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass Now two of his teeth are missing.
Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white and whispy, Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease And now it's black and crispy.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-24-2008, 02:16 PM:
Rated G the little woman
One day, there was a blind man sitting on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet and a sign that read: "I am blind, please help."
A creative publicist was walking by and stopped to observe. He saw that the blind man had only a few coins in his hat. He dropped in more coins and, without asking for permission, took the sign and rewrote it. He returned the sign to the blind man and left.
That afternoon the publicist returned to the blind man and noticed that his hat was full of bills and coins. The blind man recognized his footsteps and asked if it was he who had rewritten his sign and wanted to know what he had written on it.
The publicist responded: "Nothing that was not true. I just wrote the message a little differently." He smiled and went on his way. The new sign read: "Today is Spring and I cannot see it."
Sometimes we need to change our strategy. If we always do what we've always done, we'll always get what we've always gotten. And remember too, sometimes it's not WHAT we say; it's HOW we say it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2008, 06:12 PM:
Rated G B.B.
Subject: Word of the day
Mexicans only cross the border 1 at a time; 2 at a time and 4 at a time; but never 3 at a time.
The sign says no TRES PASSING...
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2008, 06:15 PM:
Rated G
Mexican word of the day is Mushroom...
"Orale Vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-25-2008, 06:23 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
THE OFFICE DIET How to Lose Weight Without Exercise:
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush--75
Jumping to conclusions--100
Climbing the walls--150
Swallowing your pride--50
Passing the buck--25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight) 50-300
Dragging your heels--100
Pushing your luck--250
Making mountains out of molehills--500
Hitting the nail on the head--50
Wading through paperwork--300
Bending over backwards--75
Jumping on the bandwagon--200
Balancing the books--25
Running around in circles--350
Eating crow--225
Tooting your own horn--25
Climbing the ladder of success--750
Pulling out the stops--75
Adding fuel to the fire--160
Wrapping it up at the day's end--12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms--50
Putting your foot in your mouth--300
Starting the ball rolling--90
Going over the edge--25
Picking up the pieces after--350
Counting eggs before they hatch--6
Calling it quits--10
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 06:20 PM:
Rated G
TRAVEL AGENT TERMS
Old world charm ... Room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.
Tropical .... Rainy.
Majestic setting ... A long way from town, at end of dirt road.
Options galore ... Nothing is included in the price.
Secluded hideaway .......Directions to locate unclear.
Some budget rooms .....Sorry, already occupied.
Explore on your own .....At your own expense.
Minutes From ???...........By Plane
Romantic ...................... No Phone in room
Knowledgeable trip hosts ... They've flown in an airplane before.
No extra fees .............. No extras available.
Bird Watchers Paradise...... Your car's paint will never be the same
Nominal fee ................. Outrageous charge.
Standard ..................... Sub-standard.
Deluxe ........................ Barely Standard.
Superior accommodations... One complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.
All the amenities ......... Two chocolates, two shower caps.
Just Like Home............. No Maid service.
Plush ................. Both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.
Gentle breezes ........... In hurricane alley.
Light and airy .............. No air conditioning.
Picturesque ................ Theme park nearby.
24-hour bar .....Ice cubes at additional cost (when available).
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-26-2008, 06:25 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
One night, the women in the Potato Head family were preparing dinner. Mother Potato Head and her three daughters. Midway through the preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting married!"
The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!"
"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.
As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up. "Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. The middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.
"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm... I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"That's wonderful. Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato Head.
"I'm marrying John Madden!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.
"JOHN MADDEN?!?" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-27-2008, 08:24 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
A male and female pigeon made a date to meet on the ledge outside the fiftieth floor of the Chrysler Buildig. The female was there on time, but the male arrived an hour late. "Where were you? I was worried sick."
"It was such a nice day, I decided to walk."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-01-2008, 09:12 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Birthday Party
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-07-2008, 02:01 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Romantic Poems
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you are not.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you really screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "Oh! Go To Hell."
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-08-2008, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the patients were shouting ,'13....13....13'
The fence was too high to see over,but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-19-2008, 12:24 PM:
Rated G...
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2008, 08:07 AM:
Rated G Jokester
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver, "Got any ID?" Driver says, "Bout what?"
A rock store was closed by the police, they were taking too much for granite.
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
"The Insomniac" by Eliza Wake
Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.
A guy goes into a second hand shop to buy one for his watch.
A job at the nursery can lead to a budding career.
Didja hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage.
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
A farmer called his pig Ball Point. Well it wasn't it's real name, just a pen name.
When the unemployed actor got a job with a demolition company, he finally brought down the house.
For those who love the philosophy of ambiguity
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
what do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "s" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2008, 08:13 AM:
Rated G Jokester
A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles weigh 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown."
The small guy just faints and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks "Are you OK?
In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"
The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3lbs. each, and my name is Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2008, 08:16 AM:
Rated G Hank in Simi Valley
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60 (or close to it)
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you ca hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2008, 11:56 AM:
Rated G
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode on our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always exciting and great fun.
We drank water from the garden hose or tap and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in them, but we weren't overweight because......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, No video games at all, No 99 channels, No Pay TV, No cable, No DVD movies or surround sound.
It's crazy! We even had No mobile phones, No text messaging, No personal computers, No Internet or Internet chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we didn't poke out anyone's eye.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good. and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with your eyes shut holding a pair of scissors, doesn't it?!
PS -The BIG type is because at your age, your eyes are buggered.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-12-2008, 02:28 PM:
Rated PG-13 Jokester
When Insults Had Class
When Insults Had Class (no 4-letter words!!) These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before a great portion of the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words, not to mention waving middle fingers.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. "Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-13-2008, 02:23 PM:
Rated G David in Aurora, Ont.
Now here's a reality check!
This is too true to be very funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were Living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans.It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu, is presently asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. Interesting number, what does it mean?
A. Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516,528.
B. Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1,329,787.
C. Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D.C. , Ottawa , Canada .... HELLO!!! ... Are all your calculators broken??
No taxes existed 100 years ago.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'
And I still have to 'press 1' for English.
I hope this goes around THE USA and Canada at least 100 times
What the hell happened?
The same math applies to the government support for aboriginal natives.Divide the millions into the number of recipients and it comes out to about $70,000 per Indian.I suspect that their leaders skim off a large portion before it ever reaches the people who need it!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 11:12 AM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
HUMOR is my passion because:
* Humor is the best medicine to stay happy and healthy, but we all knew that already.
* Humor can help to reduce stress, and can aid in the healing process.
* Humor can help all of us to cope in the most depressing of situations and darkest of days.
* Research has shown that the punch line, can increase the bottom line.
* Humor can help to create a positive work place, which can be excellent for creativity and idea development. Humor and creativity jest seem to go together.
* The ability to laugh at ourselves, at all the crazy and silly things we all say and do is healthy for our well-being.
* Humor can help bring people together, and that is important in the work place, because teamwork is a top priority.
* Humor can help us all to cope with the aging process.
So, take plenty of vitamin H on a daily basis.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 11:53 AM:
Rated G Rani Andrew
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau.
No one was there.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 11:55 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog. They are astonished and say: "What a clever dog!"
But the man protests: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-16-2008, 12:01 PM:
Rated G
Three retired International chess grandmasters were playing chess in the park.
The first grandmaster said, "It is windy today."
The second grandmaster said, "No, it is Thursday today."
The third grandmaster said, "Me too, let's go back inside for a drink."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 07:44 AM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's in Petawawa, Ont
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingston, Ont.
IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
From the City of Pembroke
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened at Uplands in Ottawa
IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded,'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a probation officer in Gatineau , QC
IDIOT SIGHTING:
This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing.'
Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken.We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Suncor, Fort McMurray, Alberta
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A clerk at the Campbell 's Bay Court House, no less.
IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already got that side.'
This was at the Ford dealership in Renfrew, Ont
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and they REPRODUCE !
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:35 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Very Short Books...
Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
Contraceptive tips for Nuns
Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
Greenpeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
Greenpeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
Human Rights organizations in Libya
Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
Guide to Neo-Nazi’s Jewish Friendship Centers
Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
How to start your own part time Hospital from home
Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
E-mail address directory for the homeless
List of Fine Wines from Iran
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:39 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
Little Golden Books That Never Made It:
You Are Different and That's Bad
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Dad's New Wife Robert
Fun Four Letter Words to Know and Share
Hammers, Screwdrivers, and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
The Kid's Guide to Hitchhiking
Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
All Cats Go To Hell
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
Some Kittens Can Fly
That's It, I'm Putting You Up For Adoption
Grandpa Gets A Casket
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Strangers Have the Best Candy
You Were an Accident
Things Rich Kids Have, but You Never Will
Pop! Goes the Hamster and Other Great Microwave Games
The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
Your Nightmares are Real
Where would you like to Be Buried?
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:41 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books
Green Eggs and E. Coli
Osama's In Pajamas
How the Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint
One State, Two State, Red State, Blue State
The Hump Known as Trump
The Cat in The Hat That Fell In The Applebee's Deep Fryer
Oh the Places You Won't Go Because Of Tougher Immigration Laws
Horton Hears A Who via an Illegal Government Wiretap
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:47 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Lately my friend has been daydreaming about having another baby. She has all these infantasies.
My roof leaks due to a lack of good ceiling.
Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.
The school coach worked with his star pitcher on the learning curve.
A thief who stole cutlery without leaving a clue was called the "stainless stealer."
Did you hear about the wife who had plastic surgery? Her husband cut up her credit cards.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
The building contractor needed the money from a castle remodeling job to buy his new television set. It would be impossible for him to watch TV without a re-moat.
I heard of a Pastor who had a special drawer where he filed his bills. It was labeled "Due unto others."
She couldn't help throwing up at funerals. She was suffering from Mourning Sickness!
Is it really San Andreas' fault that California has so many earthquakes?
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and how about one for the road."
Victoria's Secret is launching a new line of a wide variety of Freudian slips.
Auto body-shop sign: "We come highly wreck-a-mended"
Note from the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein.
"Oh, look!" I said. "A crocodile." "No," my friend corrected me. "It's walking between those two buildings--it's obviously an alleygator."
I refuse to visit Marx's tomb because it's all just a communist plot.
Stable relationships are for horses
There was an English teacher who kept her class spell bound.
Some daze I just can't seem to focus.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking
The roundest knight at king Arthur's table was Sir Cumference
A boy who looked like his father the sculptor was a chip off the old block
The jockey thought he was so clever feeding marijana to his steed to enhance it's performance. Well, now he's busted, and it's time for him to get off his high horse.
Grocery clerks make you pick paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.
"Every time a bell rings, my dog goes and sits in the corner."
Vet: "That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer."
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
The man who worked in the gum factory fell in a vat of bubblegum? His boss had to chew him out.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:52 PM:
Rated G Denny in Yonkers
CDC ALERT
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should immediately forward this medical alert to your friends. If you do not have friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 01:55 PM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC .
' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
'Just wait until we get home.'
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 02:09 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Anderson had a baby!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of child-birth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 02:15 PM:
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
Subject: Fwd: Sad truth! FYI!!!!
The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate check. If we spend it at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline, the money will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India. If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala. If we purchase a good car, it will go to Japan. If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan?
However, none of it will help the American economy!
The only way to keep the money here at home is to spend it on
prostitutes, weed, beer and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA .
Thank you for your help, pass this one, and please support the US..."A man can't ride your back unless it's bent."
~ Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-17-2008, 03:02 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes &points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects--
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Simple Duties
-------------
You make sure there's plenty of gas in the car................... +1
You make sure there are barely enough fumes in the car to make it to the nearest gas station.............. -1
You take out the recyclables and stack them neatly by the curb... +1
You take out the recyclables at 4:30 am just as the truck pulls away.................................. -1
You load the dishwasher whenever you dirty a dish.... +1
You leave dishes in the sink......................... -1
You leave them under the bed........................ -5
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners
with wings......................................... +5
But return with beer............................ -5
You leave the toilet seat up.................. -1
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...... -1
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to
the next bathroom................................. -2
You make the bed................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....................... -1
You check out a suspicious noise at night........................ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing................ 0
check out a suspicious noise and it's something........ +5
You pummel it with a six iron.......................... +10
It's her father.................................... -10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.............. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college drinking buddy............................ - 2
Named Tiffany..................................... -4
Tiffany is a dancer............................... -6
Tiffany has implants.............................. -8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly +1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the old' ball and chain"
and pat her on the rump........................... -5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if
you think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near
as attractive as you"............................ +1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but don't worry, she's lousy in bed"........................................... -6
That woman is her sister...................... -90
You have one drink, and that's it............. 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle -2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted................................. -18
Things Of A Disgusting Nature
You unclog a stopped-up toilet..................... +6
You clean up cat, dog or human vomit.............. +7
You get rid of a dead rodent...................... +8
remove the collie from the thresher............... +12
You take her mother to see Cats.................. +16
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together....................... +3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entran ce, then park the car................................. +4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar.......................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.. +3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional. 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk............ +3
Most of it chips and beer......................... -6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den... +15
Or refinishing the floors........................... +16
Or rewiring the basement............................ +17
Or adding a second floor........................... +18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket -6
And you're tickled pink about it.................... -15
You visit her parents............................................ +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation.. +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television. -3
And the television is off.......................... -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your
underwear...................................... -6
And you didn't even go to college................ -10
And it's not your underwear..................... -15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner.................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar............................. -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...................... -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team............. -10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player. +3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing.............................................. +4
And you stink...................................... +2
And you're not half bad................................ +5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause.................................. -2
You give her a gift................................... 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance..... -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance... +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.......... +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months.. +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day.. -10
With her credit card..................................... -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big.............-40
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely................... -10
You forget your anniversary..........................-20
You forget to pick her up at the bus station........ -25
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................... -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast........ -50
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal................................. -5
And the pal is happily married..................... -4
And he drives a Trans Am.......................... -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)..... -15
You have a few beers...............................-9
And miss curfew by an hour....................... -12
You get home at 3 am............................. -20
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars -30
And not wearing any pants............................. -40
Is that a tattoo???...................................-200
Her Night Out
You watch the kids while she goes out with her annoying work
friends............................................. +5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home
late.............................................+10
You wait up................................... +15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... +20
She comes home late and drunk, and you gently put her to bed,
but not before she pukes in the bathroom............. +25
Which you clean up................................... +35
A Night At Home
You watch TV together................................ 0
You rent a movie..................................... +1
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY........ +3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout. +5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep........ -1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool. -2
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.............................. +2
You take her to a movie she likes.....................+4
You take her to a movie you hate (anything with Susan Sarandon+6
You take her to a movie you like................... -2
It's called DeathCop 3............................. -7
Which features cyborgs having sex................. -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans and
sheepdogs..........................................-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it.+5
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself. +10
And she contracts Lyme disease.......................... -25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...................-15
You develop a potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. +10
You develop a potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.................................... -5
Grooming
You trim your nails............................... +5
You trim your nails in the living room............ -10
You trim your nails and flick them at the cat.... -15
You shave on the weekends........................ +2
You don't shave on the weekends................. -4
You don't bathe on the weekends either.......... -8
But then, neither does she....................... +8
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... -5
Something she can't use.............................. -10
Such as a motorized model airplane.....................-20
And your kid needs braces............................. -30
In fact, all four of the kids need braces.............-120
Driving
You lose the directions on a trip........................ -4
You lose the direction and end up getting lost........... -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town............ -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close
and personal........................................... -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt...... -60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".......................... -5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate responding............................ -10
You reply, "Where?".................................-25
(A quick pointer, There is no right answer to this question. Mumble something like, "I Love You, honey...")
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 10:40 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Reasons to Buy a New Car
Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.
15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.
Thieves repeatedly break into your car just to take "The Club."
When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct-tape that windshield for you?"
While waiting at stop light, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.
For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom vroom" noises while sitting in the driveway.
Keep losing dates on left turns.
Your gas gauge measures in cubits.
Traffic reporters starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.
Hasn't been the same since Henry Ford borrowed it.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 10:41 AM:
Rated G Jokester
I saw that my low-fuel light was on, so I stopped and got $worth of gas. And when I was done, I saw that my low-fuel light was still on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 10:44 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Car on Fire
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the huge home improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind the courtesy counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 1"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 10:47 AM:
Rated G Jokester
A fat lady rode the bus to work every day but this day she had an unusually large build-up of gas. She wasn't sure what to do as the bus was quite crowded. Then she remembered that the bus would soon cross some railroad tracks that make it rattle and makes lots of noise. Maybe she can pass this gas without anyone knowing.
Unfortunately, last night the maintenance crew tightened all the loose bolts, smoothing out the crossing. At the tracks, she raised up on one cheek and let rip a long, loud, juicy one. But today the bus made not a sound -- just her. You could have heard a pin drop. "Maybe if I act natural, no one will figure out it was me," she thought.
She casually asked the man sitting across the aisle from her, "Excuse me, sir. Do you have a transfer?" He responded politely, "No, I don't, but the next tree we pass, I'll try to grab you a handful of leaves!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 10:51 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Look at all the pretty lights on the buildings! Millions of colors! Don't waste your time looking at traffic lights; they only come in 3 colors.
Also, don't waste your time looking at the road. There's much more interesting things elsewhere. It's everyone else's job to look out for you.
Whatever you do, don't tap that accelerator. Keeping traffic slow is your gift to your hosts.
It is imperative that you turn onto the road as soon as possible regardless of who you have to cut off to do so. However, once on the road, there is no real hurry. Take your time. That guy you cut off will be happy to slow down.
The "fast lane." Ever wonder why it's called that? Me either.
If you drive a Winnebago, be sure to only drive on single lane highways with extensive no passing zones. If people can pass you and keep traffic flowing, it defeats the whole purpose of driving a Winnebago!
Whatever you do, don't look in your mirrors! Traffic might be piling up behind you and you wouldn't want that on your conscience!
Be sure to always slow down to a near stop to look at the twisted vehicles and bloody puddles of the innocent locals who have had "encounters" with driving tourists.
If you are pulled over, be sure to toss clichés and lame jokes about the mob, prostitution, or the weather to the cop. He's never heard that one before. Trust me.
And remember, when you are lost, do not stop to find out where you are. Simply slow to 1/3 of the speed limit and weave in and out of lanes haphazardly. This always gets you where you want to be.
Always be talking on a cell phone. Your techno-savvy impresses the locals and they will stare in worshipful awe as you run stop lights and narrowly miss pedestrians.
Stop signs don't really mean "stop." They mean "slow down just a tad and if you are feeling generous, perhaps glance to the side to make sure that guy you were supposed to yield to isn't going to hit you."
Feel free to stop in the middle of the road to take photos. The locals will be touched at how sentimental you are about their home.
Remember, you are on vacation so school speed zones don't apply to you.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:02 PM:
Rated PG
WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government
official,'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued,'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong? '
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied.
'When white man find land, Indians running it,
no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:06 PM:
Rated PG
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger,sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt.'
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the after noon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: 'Gosh, I remember these.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:14 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Sign's
"Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor's take-out menu.
"Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald's in California.
"We are Handicapped - Friendly. For example, if you are blind, we will read the menu for you." -- A notice in a restaurant.
"Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
"Hot drinks to take out or sit in." -- A sign on a cafe.
"You can't beat our meat!" -- A sign on a restaurant,now closed.
"Our Infamous Steaks" -- A sign at a restaurant in Raleigh, NC.
"Now Hiring / Sausage Biscuits / $1" -- A sign at a McDonald's.
"NOW HIRING / TWO FRENCH DIPS / FOR TWO DOLLARS." -- A sign at an Arby's in North Bend, Washington.
"Please consume all food on premises." -- A sign at a Souplantation restaurant.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:16 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Menus:
"Ham and Cheese - $2.50. Cheese and Ham - $2.90." -- On a menu.
"Our whipped butter is made with margarine." -- On a menu.
"7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings." -- On a menu.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:26 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Quotes:
"Is there chicken in your vegetarian gumbo?" -- Asked of a waitress.
"Just the chicken." -- The response a waitress gave when asked if there were any dairy products in a soup.
"Would you like cream and sugar with that?" -- Asked by a waitress when a customer specified orange juice instead of coffee as part of a breakfast meal.
"Do you want cheese on that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered a plain cheeseburger.
"You want fries with that?" -- Asked when a customer ordered an apple turnover.
"Do you want onions on that?" -- A waitress, in response to a couple ordering a milk shake and a large cola.
"Is there any meat in the veggie rolls?"
"Do you get rice with your fried rice?"
"I'm sorry, we only have six inch and foot long subs." -- A waitress, when asked for a 12 inch sub.
"Would you like to care for a cup of coffee?" -- A waitress.
"Which of these coffees did you want with cream and sugar?" -- Asked of a customer who had ordered two coffees, one with cream and sugar and one without.
"Do you want that in a bag?" -- Asked of a customer who ordered coffee to go.
"Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
"What's the difference between the 1/4 pounder and the 1/3 pounder?"
"What's the difference?" -- Asked of a waitress when asked if the customer would like breadsticks with or without cheese.
"Sir, we only have one thousand island dressing." -- A waitress, when asked for two thousand island dressings.
"How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken deal?"
"How much is the $1.99 popcorn chicken?"
"Is the honey mustard sauce sweet?"
"Is the spicy chicken just spicy or is it hot and spicy?"
"Would you like the sale price?" -- A fast food worker, asking how a customer would like to pay for his order of two special sandwiches.
"That's not an animal. It's a mammal." -- Cafeteria worker serving shrimp at a public high school.
"Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
"Excuse me. These ham and cheese rolls -- do they have ham in them?" -- A customer at a bakery cafe.
"Don't you guys have them 99 cent Whoppers?" -- Asked of a Taco Bell cashier.
"This is to go." -- Commonly said by customers at drive-through windows.
"I'd like a large Pepsi pizza." -- A customer ordering pizza over the phone. After saying this, the customer was heard saying to someone else with him, "Wait, Chuck, is that right?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:29 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Once when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:32 PM:
Rated G Jokester
A pizza-and-sub takeout recently opened near me. When I got the menu, I decided that I would try the hamburger sub that was listed, so I called.
Me: "I'd like to place an order for pickup."
Him: "Certainly, sir. What would you like to have?"
Me: "I'd like the hamburger sub, please."
Him: "Excuse me, the HAMburger sub?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "I'm sorry, but we don't have HAMburger."
Me: "It's right here on the menu."
Him: "We don't have HAMburger."
This went on a few times, until finally I asked for a cheeseburger sub without the cheese. He was happy to sell me that.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 12:36 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Me: "Would you like fries with that?"
I got sort of confused at this one and told him no. He told me to pull ahead, so I did, and then he asked me why I was sitting there.
Clerk: "I thought you didn't want fries."
Me: "No, I ordered a large french fries."
Clerk: "Ok. Do you want fries with that?"
Since saying no the last time had gotten me nothing, I figured I'd better say yes this time.
He gave me two large fries.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-18-2008, 01:03 PM:
Rated G Putting Gas in Perspective
Think a gallon of gasoline is expensive? This list puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19... $9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99... $84.48 per gallon
Evian water 9 oz $1.49... $21.19 per gallon (Evian spelled backwards is Naive)
Printer Ink... $5,200 a gallon
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-20-2008, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
A jury of her peers awarded a woman from Austin, Texas $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving tyke was the woman's own son.
A 19 year old youth from Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran his hand over with a Honda Accord. The young man apparently didn't notice someone was at the wheel of the car whose hubcap he was trying to steal.
A thief from Bristol, PA, was leaving a house he had robbed through the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re- enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, so the robber found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. This upset the thief, so he sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars and change.
A man from Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard, as was the man. The award was less than sought because the jury felt that the man who, at the time, was shooting the animal repeatedly with a pellet gun might have provoked the dog.
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay a woman from Lancaster, PA, $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because the woman had thrown it at her boyfriend thirty seconds earlier during an argument.
A woman from Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while she was trying to sneak through the window in the lady's room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2008, 04:08 PM:
Rated G Jokester
How to Impress a Woman:
Compliment her,
Respect her,
Honor her,
Cuddle her,
Kiss her,
Caress her,
Love her,
Tease her,
Comfort her,
Protect her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Dance with her,
Spend money on her,
Wine and dine her,
Buy things for her,
Listen to her,
Care for her,
Stand by her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Go to the ends of the Earth for her.
How to Impress a Man:
Show up naked.
Bring food.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-22-2008, 04:14 PM:
Rated G Jokester
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me that there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
To My Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't come
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching sports on t.v.
Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling.
What I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2008, 08:40 AM:
Rated G
APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION, A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks ?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who
wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a
wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 70 if you don't wake up aching in every
joint, you are probably dead.
"Walk softly and carry a big stick.....You will go Far!
Theodore Roosevelt
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-23-2008, 12:07 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from Bergen County, New Jersey, was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.
"Help!" he cried when he spotted her down below.
"What are you doing up there" she called back.
"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"
The blonde rolled her eyes.
"Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that nothing around here opens on a Sunday!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2008, 07:15 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Official Rules for Calling Shotgun
1. The first person to yell "SHOTGUN" gets to ride in the front seat.
2. The remaining back seats may be divvied up in the same manner by being the first to call "back right seat", etc..
3. The word "shotgun" must be loud enough to be heard by at least one witness. If no witness is to be found, or in case of a tie, the driver has the final word. After all, it is most likely his car. (note: if it isn't his car, and the owner is present, the owner's decision is final. Owner must be sober, however, or he will defer his judgment to the driver.)
4. Early calls are strictly prohibited. All occupants of the vehicle (including the driver) must be outside of the building and directly on the way to the vehicle before shotgun may be called. Under no circumstances may a person call shotgun inside a building. For sake of simplicity, a garage is considered to be outside. Parking structures and detached garages are always considered as being outdoors, even if they are underground.
5. A person may only call shotgun for one way of a trip. Shotgun can never be called while inside a vehicle or still technically on the way to the first location. For example, one cannot get out of a vehicle and call Shotgun for the return journey.
6. Being as how everyone is created equal, men have the same right as women to the front seat of the car. i.e. women don't own the front seat.
7. One is allowed to ride shotgun as many times as he can call it, but for himself only. No one can call shotgun for their slower friend, unless the friend has a speech or mental handicap that prevents them from calling it for themselves.
8. The driver has final say in all ties and disputes. The driver has the right to suspend or remove all shotgun privileges from one or more persons.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2008, 07:18 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Joggers
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes.
No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window.
He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
"Yes?"
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?"
The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15."
The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?"
"8:25!"
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him.
To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!"
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
"Sir? It's 8:45."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-25-2008, 07:24 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat And Overcoat."
Ira sure did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Barney, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.
Finally Barney said, "Ira, you Schmuck...stop watching our overcoats."
"I'm only watching mine," replied Ira. "Your's has been gone for over half an hour."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-26-2008, 06:53 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra.
Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2008, 12:12 PM:
Rated G lbp
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!
Psas Ti ON !
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 06-30-2008, 12:15 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call the electric company for a repairman.
After a quick inspection, Paul, the man from the power company found the problem and handed her a $95 bill for labor.
"Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you ten minutes!"
Paul explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 50 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
Paul spent the next 50 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-02-2008, 06:54 AM:
Rated G TheWhiteRabbit
Comments made in the year 1955. That's only 53 years ago!
'I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.00.'
'Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2, 000.00 will only buy a used one.'
'If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.
'Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?'
'If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.'
'When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.'
'Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.'
'I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.'
'I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas .'
'Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.'
'I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.'
'It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.'
'It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.'
'Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more, those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.'
'I'm afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.'
'Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.'
'The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.'
'There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend, it costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel.'
'No one can afford to be sick anymore, at $35.00 a day in the hospital it's too rich for my blood.'
'If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2008, 06:35 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
There had been several false fire alarms in my apartment building. Each time, tenants had to rush outside and wait for the firemen to go through the building.
It was rumored that most of these incidents were caused by burned food on the upper floors.
A few days after yet another false alarm, I was returning from grocery shopping when I met a young lady in the elevator.
She asked which floor I wanted. "Fifth, please," I answered.
"Ah, yes, the fifth floor," she replied, eyeing my grocery bags suspiciously, "where cooking lessons should be mandatory."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2008, 06:38 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
I was shopping for shoes with my 83-year-old mother at our local mall.
A cute little guy, about four years old, sat down beside her and stuck his foot up for her to admire his new sneakers.
“Granny,” he said, “Mom bought them for me.” As they sat chatting, his mother came running over to get him and apologized to my mom, saying she hoped he wasn't bothering her.
“Oh, no, dear,” Mom said. “He's just proud of his new sneakers, and he's smart enough to know a granny when he sees one.”
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-03-2008, 06:41 AM:
Rated G laurie
The old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, "Sir, would you address this postcard for me?"
The man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old man thought a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you add, Please excuse the sloppy handwriting."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-05-2008, 07:32 AM:
Rated R to X
WHO'S YO DADDY ????????
The following are all replies that Detroit women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing 'father's details' (Who's yo Daddy?)
These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
Be sure to check out #11. It takes 1st prize and #3 is runner up.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 East Grand Boulevard where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculate and that he is the Saver risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cat aclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as they all look the same to me.
8. Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him,can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World;maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 8956 Miller Ave., mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all,like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2008, 05:34 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Things You Don't Want To Hear At a July Fourth Weekend Barbecue
1. "I don't think that's mayonnaise in the cole slaw."
2. "My hot dog has a knuckle!"
3. "I'm afraid the only fireworks tonight are between me and your wife."
4. "All right, detainees, line up over here for your gitmo-style powdered baked beans."
5. "Hey look, it's Earnest Borgnine - oh, sorry lady."
6. "I'd like to tell you why scientology is so important to me."
7. "Oh God, Letterman's shirtless again!"
8. "To give it a little 'kick,' I put charcoal starter in the punch!"
9. "Take a photo of me lighting this cigar with an M-80."
10. "Beef is great, but squirrel's so much cheaper."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-06-2008, 05:40 AM:
Rated G Jokester
"Freedom" (to be read with patriotic music in the background)
Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.
What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated. But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education. They had security, but they valued liberty more.
Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."
They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War. We didn't fight just the British. We were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!
"Freedom" (per Snopes)
· Five signers were captured by the British as traitors and tortured before they died.
It is true that five signers of the Declaration of Independence were captured by the British during the course of the Revolutionary War. However, none of them died while a prisoner, and four of them were taken into custody not because they were considered "traitors" due to their status as signatories to that document, but because they were captured as prisoners of war while actively engaged in military operations against the British: George Walton was captured after being wounded while commanding militia at the Battle of Savannah in December 1778, and Thomas Heyward, Jr., Arthur Middleton, and Edward Rutledge (three of the four Declaration of Independence signers from South Carolina) were taken prisoner at the Siege of Charleston in May in 1780. Although they endured the ill treatment typically afforded to prisoners of war during their captivity (prison conditions were quite deplorable at the time), they were not tortured, nor is there evidence that they were treated more harshly than other wartime prisoners who were not also signatories to the Declaration. Moreover, all four men were eventually exchanged or released; had they been considered traitors by the British, they would have been hanged.
Richard Stockton of New Jersey was the only signer taken prisoner specifically because of his status as a signatory to the Declaration, "dragged from his bed by night" by local Tories after he had evacuated his family from New Jersey, and imprisoned in New York City's infamous Provost Jail like a common criminal. However, Stockton was also the only one of the fifty-six signers who violated the pledge to support the Declaration of Independence and each other with "our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor," securing a pardon and his release from imprisonment by recanting his signature on the Declaration and signing an oath swearing his allegiance to George III.
· Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned.
It is true that a number of signers saw their homes and property occupied, ransacked, looted, and vandalized by the British (and even in some cases by the Americans). However, as we discuss in more detail below, this activity was a common (if unfortunate) part of warfare. Signers' homes were not specifically targeted for destruction — like many other Americans, their property was subject to seizure when it fell along the path of a war being waged on the North American continent.
· Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army, another had two sons captured.
Abraham Clark of New Jersey saw two of his sons captured by the British and incarcerated on the prison ship Jersey. John Witherspoon, also of New Jersey, saw his eldest son, James, killed in the Battle of Germantown in October 1777. If there was a second signer of the Declaration whose son was killed while serving in the Continental Army, we have yet to find him.
· Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
This statement is quite misleading as phrased. Nine signers died during the course of the Revolutionary War, but none of them died from wounds or hardships inflicted on them by the British. (Indeed, several of the nine didn't even take part in the war.) Only one signer, Button Gwinnett of Georgia, died from wounds, and those were received not at the hands of the British, but of a fellow officer with whom he dueled in May 1777.
· Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Before the American Revolution, Carter Braxton was possessed of a considerable fortune through inheritance and favorable marriages. While still in his teens he inherited the family estate, which included a flourishing Virginia tobacco plantation, upon the death of his father. He married a wealthy heiress who died when he was just 21, and within a few years he had remarried, this time to the daughter of the Receiver of Customs in Virginia for the King. As a delegate representing Virginia in the Continental Congress in 1776, he was one of the minority of delegates reluctant to support an American declaration of independence, a move which he viewed at the time as too dangerous:
[Independence] is in truth a delusive Bait which men inconsiderably catch at, without knowing the hook to which it is affixed . . . America is too defenseless a State for the declaration, having no alliance with a naval Power nor as yet any Fleet of consequence of her own to protect that trade which is so essential to the prosecution of the War, without which I know we cannot go on much longer.
Braxton invested his wealth in commercial enterprises, particularly shipping, and he endured severe financial reversals during the Revolutionary War when many of the ships in which he held interest were either appropriated by the British government (because they were British-flagged) or were sunk or captured by the British. He was not personally targeted for ruin because he had signed the Declaration of Independence, however; he suffered grievous financial losses because most of his wealth was tied up in shipping, "that trade which is so essential to the prosecution of the War" and which was therefore a prime military target for the British. Even if he hadn't signed the Declaration of Independence, Braxton's ships would have been casualties of the war just the same.
Although Braxton did lose property during the war and had to sell off assets (primarily landholdings) to cover the debts incurred by the loss of his ships, he recouped much of that money after the war but subsequently lost it again through his own ill-advised business dealings. His fortune was considerably diminished in his later years, but he did not by any stretch of the imagination "die in rags."
· Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
As one biography describes Thomas McKean (not "McKeam"):
· Thomas McKean might just represent an ideal study of how far political engagement can be carried by one man. One can scarcely believe the number of concurrent offices and duties this man performed during the course of his long career. He served three states and many more cities and county governments, often performing duties in two or more jurisdictions, even while engaged in federal office.
Among his many offices, McKean was a delegate to the Continental Congress (of which he later served as president), President of Delaware, Chief Justice of Pennsylvania, and Governor of Pennsylvania. The above-quoted statement regarding his being "hounded" by the British during the Revolutionary War is probably based upon a letter he wrote to his friend John Adams in 1777, in which he described how he had been "hunted like a fox by the enemy, compelled to remove my family five times in three months, and at last fixed them in a little log-house on the banks of the Susquehanna, but they were soon obliged to move again on account of the incursions of the Indians."
However, it is problematic to assert that McKean's treatment was due to his being a signer of the Declaration of Independence. (His name does not appear on printed copies of that document authenticated in January 1777, so it is likely he did not affix his name to it until later.) If he was targeted by the British, it was quite possibly because he also served in a military capacity as a volunteer leader of militia. In any case, McKean did not end up in "poverty," as the estate he left behind when he died in 1817 was described as consisting of "stocks, bonds, and huge land tracts in Pennsylvania."
· Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
First of all, this passage has a couple of misspellings: the signers referred to are William Ellery (not "Dillery") and Edward Rutledge (not "Ruttledge"). Secondly, this sentence is misleading in that it implies a motive that was most likely not present (i.e., these men's homes were looted because they had been signers of the Declaration of Independence).
The need to forage for supplies in enemy territory has long been a part of warfare, and so it was far from uncommon for British soldiers in the field to appropriate such material from private residences during the American Revolution. (Not only were homes used as sources of food, livestock, and other necessary supplies, but larger houses were also taken over and used to quarter soldiers or to serve as headquarters for officers.) In some cases, even American forces took advantage of the local citizenry to provision themselves. Given that many more prominent American revolutionaries who were also signers of the Declaration of Independence (e.g., Samuel Adams, John Hancock, Benjamin Franklin, James Wilson, Benjamin Rush, Robert Morris) had homes in areas that were occupied by the British during the war, yet those homes were not looted or vandalized, it's hard to make the case that the men named above were specifically targeted for vengeance by the British rather than unfortunate victims whose property fell in the path of an armed conflict being waged on American soil.
It's also a common misconception that the signing of the Declaration of Independence was the event that triggered the Revolutionary War, so the signers were directly responsible for whatever misfortunes befell them (and their fellow Americans) as a result of that war. The war actually began more than a year before the signing of the Declaration of Independence — revolutionary events involving armed conflict, such as the battles of Lexington and Concord, the seizure of Fort Ticonderoga by Ethan Allen and his "Green Mountain Boys," the Battle of Bunker Hill, and the capture of Montreal by General Richard Montgomery, all took place in 1775.
· At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson, Jr., noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
The tale about Thomas Nelson's urging or suggesting the bombardment of his own house is one of several Revolutionary War legends whose truth may never be known. Several versions of this story exist, one of which (as referenced above) holds that Nelson encouraged George Washington to shell his Yorktown home after British Major General Charles Cornwallis had taken it over to use as his headquarters in 1781:
Cornwallis had turned the home of Thomas Nelson, who had succeeded Jefferson as governor of Virginia, into his headquarters. Nelson, a signer of the Declaration of Independence, had led three Virginia brigades, or 3,000 men, to Yorktown and, when the shelling of the town was about to begin, urged Washington to bombard his own house. And that is where Washington, with his experienced surveyor's eye, reputedly pointed the gun for the first (and singularly fatal) allied shot. Legend has it that the shell went right through a window and landed at the dinner table where some British officers, including the British commissary general, had just sat down to dine. The general was killed and several others wounded as it burst among their plates.
Other versions of the story have Nelson directing the Marquis de Lafayette to train French artillery on his home:
The story goes that the new Virginia Governor Thomas Nelson (who'd been held at Yorktown but released under a flag of truce) was with American forces that day. Lafayette invited Nelson to be present when Captain Thomas Machin's battery first opened fire, as both a compliment and knowing Nelson lived in Yorktown and would know the localities in the riverport area. "To what particular spot," Lafayette reportedly asked Nelson, "would your Excellency direct that we should point the cannon." Nelson replied, "There, to that house. It is mine, and . . . it is the best one in the town. There you will be almost certain to find Lord Cornwallis and the British headquarters."
"A simultaneous discharge of all the guns in the line," Joseph Martin wrote, was "followed [by] French troops accompanying it with 'Huzza for the Americans.'" Sounding much like the Nelson legend, Martin's account added that "the first shell sent from our batteries entered an elegant house formerly owned or occupied by the Secretary of State under the British, and burned directly over a table surrounded by a large party of British officers at dinner, killing and wounding a number of them."
Still other accounts maintain this legend is a conflation of two separate events: Thomas Nelson, acting as commander in chief of the Virginia militia, ordered a battery to open fire on his uncle's home, where Cornwallis was then ensconced. Later, Nelson supposedly made a friendly bet with French artillerists in which he challenged them to hit his home, one of the more prominent landmarks in Yorktown.
Whatever the truth, the Nelson home was certainly not "destroyed" as claimed. The house stands to this day as part of Colonial National Historical Park, and the National Park Service's description of it notes only that "the southeast face of the residence does show evidence of damage from cannon fire."
· Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
Francis Lewis represented New York in the Continental Congress, and shortly after he signed the Declaration of Independence his Long Island estate was raided by the British, possibly as retaliation for his having been a signatory to that document. While Lewis was in Philadelphia attending to congressional matters, his wife was taken prisoner by the British after disregarding an order for citizens to evacuate Long Island. Mrs. Lewis was held for several months before being exchanged for the wives of British officials captured by the Americans. Although her captivity was undoubtedly a hardship, she had already been in poor health for some time and died a few years (not months) later.
· John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year, he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later, he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
John Hart's New Jersey farm was looted in the course of the Revolutionary War, and he did have to remain in hiding for a while afterwards. However, the claim that he was "driven from his [dying] wife's bedside" as his "13 children fled for his lives" is dramatic fiction. The British overran the area of New Jersey where he resided in late November of 1776, but his wife had already died on 8 October, and most of their children were adults by then. He also did not die "from exhaustion and a broken heart" a mere "few weeks" after emerging from hiding — he was twice re-elected to the Continental Congress, served as Speaker of the New Jersey assembly, and invited the American army to encamp on his New Jersey farmland in June 1778 before succumbing to kidney stones in May 1779.
· Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Lewis Morris (not Norris) indeed saw his Westchester County, New York, home taken over in 1776 and used as a barracks for soldiers, and the horses and livestock from his farm commandeered by military personnel ... but he suffered those deprivations at the hands of the Continental Army, not the British. Shortly afterwards his home was appropriated by the British, but Morris and his wife reclaimed the property and restored their home after the war.
Philip Livingston lost several properties to the British occupation of New York and sold off others to support the war effort, and he did not recover them because he died suddenly in 1778, before the end of the war.
What should we take from all of this? The signers of the Declaration of Independence did take a huge risk in daring to put their names on a document that repudiated their government, and they had every reason to believe at the time that they might well be hanged for having done so. That was a courageous act we should indeed remember and honor on the Fourth of July amidst our "beer, picnics, and baseball games." But we should also not lose sight of the fact that many men (and women) other than the fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence — some famous and most not — risked and sacrificed much (including their lives) to support the revolutionary cause. The hardships and losses endured by many Americans during the struggle for independence were not visited upon the signers alone, nor were they any less ruinous for having befallen people whose names are not immortalized on a piece of parchment.
From http://www.snopes.com/history/american/pricepaid.asp
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2008, 02:00 PM:
Rated G Quirk
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-07-2008, 02:03 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
A wise old owl sat on an oak;
The more he saw the less he spoke;
The less he spoke the more he heard;
Why aren't we like that wise old bird?
Edward Hersey Richards
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 07:13 AM:
Rated XXX Jokester
Things Not To Say During Sex
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
(in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead
Try breathing through your nose
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out
Person : This is your first time right?
Person : Yeah today
(in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth
(using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober
(holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
(preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
(in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr Ruth
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards
When is this supposed to feel good?
Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance
No, really I do this part better myself!
It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
This would be more fun with a few more people
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel
Perhaps you're just out of practice
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash
Now I know why he/she dumped you
Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
What are you planning to make for breakfast?
I have a confession
I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
You'll still vote for me, won't you?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
You can cook, too right?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like Woman: Yourself?
Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names
Don't mind me I always file my nails in bed
(in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer"
So that's why they call you MR Flash!
My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 07:22 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
One frigid night an older lady came into the automotive repair shop where I work. After she told me what seemed to be the story of her life, all I had learned about her car was that it was somewhere out in the parking lot, and it was a black '95 Ford that made a noise and drove oddly.
The technician went outside to get it but had to make three trips back in to speak to the customer before he found her car: a white '87 Chrysler van, parked at the gas station, that made a noise and drove oddly because it had a flat tire.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 03:17 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
IT'S YOU I LIKE! (Frederick 'McFeely' Rogers)
It's you I like, It's not the things you wear. It's not the way you do your hair, But it's you I like. The way you are right now The way down deep inside you Not the things that hide you Not your diplomas... They're just beside you. But it's you I like, Every part of you, Your skin, your eyes, your feelings, Whether old or new. I hope that you'll remember Even when you're feeling blue, That it's you I like, It's you yourself, it's you It's you I like!
(Mr. Fred Rogers (1928-2003) was the host of the internationally acclaimed and highly successful children's television show 'Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, in production from 1968 to 2001.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-08-2008, 03:29 PM:
Rated G Lorraine
"Rhythms" is the longest English word without the normal vowels, a, e, i, o, or u.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-09-2008, 06:29 PM:
Rated G.....
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-10-2008, 05:10 PM:
Rated G This Year's Stella Awards
Stella Awards
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For
those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named
after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot
coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's
in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You
remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would
ever think one could get burned doing that, right?
That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish
lawsuits and verdicts in the US . You know, the kinds
of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your
head scratcher handy.
Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE :
Kathleen Robertson of Austin , Texas was awarded
$80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her
ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a
furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running
toddler was her own son.
6TH PLACE :
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won
$74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran
over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently
didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's
hubcaps.
Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
5TH PLACE :
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol , Pennsylvania , who was
leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the
garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic
garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get
the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter
the house because the door connecting the garage to
the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced
to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of
Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the
homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must
pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all
have this kind of anguish.
Keep scratching. There are more...
4TH PLACE :
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered
4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500
plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt
by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the
beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because
the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked
at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly
shot the dog with a pellet gun.
Grrrrr. Scratch, scratch.
3RD PLACE :
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a
jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her
$113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and
broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on
the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend
30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever
happened to people being responsible for their own
actions?
Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are
only two more Stellas to go...
2ND PLACE :
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of
a night club in a nearby city because she fell from
the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two
front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to
sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club
had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,
plus dental expenses. Go figure.
1ST PLACE : (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner
was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma ,
who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On
her first trip home, from an OU football game, having
driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control
at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to
the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway,
crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs.
Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the
driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The
Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down,
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually
changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just
in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also
buy a motor home.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...? Ya Think??!!
More than a few of our judge's elevators don't go to the top floor either!
WHAT'S EVEN SCARIER - THESE JURORS AND JUDGES MAY VOTE ON ELECTION DAY!!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-15-2008, 12:16 PM:
Rated G Jokester
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-17-2008, 07:54 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
Because it was a hot day, my sister-in-law, Lydia, left her car engine running, with the air conditioner on to keep her dog cool, while she ran into the bank.
When she returned, she pressed the remote to unlock the car door. It didn’t work. She hurried into a drugstore and replaced the batteries in the remote.
Still the doors wouldn’t unlock.
Lydia ran back into the bank, hoping she could use their phone, and explained her predicament to a staff member. "Oh, I’ve had that happen to me," the teller said. "I just use the key."
Only then did Lydia remember the key dangling from the end of her remote.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-18-2008, 05:16 PM:
Rated PG...
A young, well-educated man on a business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans, a cowboy hat and pointed toed boots.
Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.
'You know,' he says, 'I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk.'
The cowboy looks at him wryly and says, 'Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?'
'Oh, I don't know, 'says the young man with a hint of sarcasm, 'How about nuclear proliferation?'
'Hmm,' says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him, 'That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first -- horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff---grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?'
Dumbfounded, the young man replies, 'I haven't the slightest idea.'
'So tell me then,' says the cowboy with a smile, 'How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nukes when you don't know shit?'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-19-2008, 09:56 AM:
Rated G
Two men were sitting side by side on an airliner flying from Denver to Los Angeles.
The first man appeared nervous and finally explained that he was being transferred to LA. "I hate Los Angeles," he said.
"Everything you hear about LA is bad -- smog, traffic, and worst of all, the crime. Gangs everywhere, people getting shot and robbed, things stolen, car jackings, and everyone hates everyone else."
"Oh, it's not that bad," said the second man. "I live in LA myself. Most of that stuff you read is media hype. It's just not true. You'll find LA is just like any other city, anywhere in America."
"Really?" responded the first. "Boy, that makes me feel a lot better. You say you live in LA -- what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Bud Lite delivery truck."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-27-2008, 06:38 AM:
Rated PG-13 Jokester
Custer's Last Thoughts
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those fucking Indians!'"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-28-2008, 07:08 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Some Helpful Rules for Better Writing:
Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
Be more or less specific.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
No sentence fragments.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
One should NEVER generalize.
Don't use no double negatives.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be ignored.
Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
The English Language!
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is "boxes",
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not "oxes".
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say "methren".
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship.
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns
down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And, in closing, if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 07-30-2008, 07:34 AM:
Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont.
The Moped
An elderly man on a Moped,
looking about 100 years old,
pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car
and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO.
It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man.
'Why does it cost so much?'
'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!'
states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks,
'Mind if I take a look inside?'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window
and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!'
Just then the light changes,
so the doctor decides to show
the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds
the speedometer reads 160 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot
in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer!
He slows down to see what it could be
and suddenly...WHOOOOSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster!
'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks
himself.
He presses harder on the accelerator
and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari,
he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph.
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his
mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of this old guy,
he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari
all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped
bearing down on him again !
The Ferrari is flat out,
and there's nothing he can do !
Suddenly, the Moped plows
into the back of his Ferrari,
demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and, unbelievably,
the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says,
'I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?'
The old man whispers,
'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2008, 06:45 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Phrases Useful in the Workplace. Try to incorporate these into your conversations . . .
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.
What am I - flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. I'm just ignoring you.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of calories to burn off.
Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people realize I'm right.
Your idea seems reasonable... Time to up my medication.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
Are you a ray of sunshine every day?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-04-2008, 06:49 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.
I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.
Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.
Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you.
The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.
I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-06-2008, 06:22 AM:
Rated R
Getting Old In Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida community.
A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
**********************************************************
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor in Estero to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma' and 'be cheerful,'' Morris replied.
To which the doctor replied, 'I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'
**********************************************************
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-06-2008, 05:30 PM:
A few Southern funnies rated PG....
Tennessee:
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'
Alabama:
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.
'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.
'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they inquired.
'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!'
Texas:
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'. 'Yep', he replied. 'That's why I dumpin it here, cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.
Louisiana:
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi:
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'
Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'
The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'
Georgia:
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D. ?'
The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'
North Carolina:
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was..
The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'
The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'
The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'
And this from South Carolina:
'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North !!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-17-2008, 07:40 AM:
Rated G Tony in Old Lyme,CT
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Can you cry under water?
---------------------------------------------------------------
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
---------------------------------------------------------------
What disease did cured ham actually have?
---------------------------------------------------------------
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
---------------------------------------------------------------
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
---------------------------------------------------------------
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
---------------------------------------------------------------
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
---------------------------------------------------------------
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
---------------------------------------------------------------
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
---------------------------------------------------------------
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
----------------------------------------------------------------
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-19-2008, 01:02 PM:
Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Gentle Lessons of Life
A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.
*************
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
**********
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
**********
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a new replacement for it.
**********
He who hesitates is probably doing the right thing.
**********
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'
**********
If you think there is some good in everybody, you obviously haven't met 'everybody'.
**********
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone else in mind to blame.
**********
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's 'really' in trouble.
**********
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
**********
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'
*********
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
*********
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
**********
Some people try to turn back their life's odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long, long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
***********
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
***********
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
**********
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
**********
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's even worse when you forget to pull it down.
***********
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf
*********
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 08-26-2008, 02:31 PM:
Rated PG
Subject: QUIZ TIME !!
Sometimes we all think that a stupid question deserves a stupid answer. Well...
Hope you all do better than I !!!!!!!!!!! ----- > DO NOT CHEAT AND LOOK AT > ANSWERS!!! WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires only 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where AR e Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below .
[b]ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2008, 08:30 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Most people hate to parallel park. The other day, I saw this woman trying to get out of a tight parking space. She bumped the car in front, then backed up and hit the car behind her.
This went on about two minutes.
I walked over to see if I could somehow help. My offer was declined. She said, "Why have bumpers if you're not going to use them once in a while?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-01-2008, 08:38 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
What SEX And PARKING SPACES Share In Common:
*You should never have to wait to find one
*You should be able to slide right into one
*Spaces in the front are always the best
*When no front spaces are available, spaces in the rear will always suffice
*It sucks when someone else is double-parked
*Your space should still be open and waiting when you get back
*It's a tragedy when you have a 'full-size' car but there are only 'compact' spaces
*A full-size car is good to find
*People are willing to wait in line for the good spaces
*Spaces with short time limits are annoying and never satisfying
*We're all looking for the free space with the "unlimited" time limit
*A house isn't a home without a parking space
*Some people are uncomfortable with a space in the rear
*Why is it best-looking cars are always the ones who only like parking in the rear?
*The better your parking techniques are the more parking spaces you can get into.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 09-03-2008, 07:55 AM:
Rated G Jokester
English Conundrums
“The Chaos” By Gerard Nolst Trenité.
Best appreciated when read aloud:
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse.
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
Tear in eye, your dress you'll tear;
Queer, fair seer, hear my prayer.
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it! 10
Just compare heart, hear and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word.
Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say - said, pay - paid, laid but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say: gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak, 20
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;
Woven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Branch, ranch, measles, topsails, aisles,
Missiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining, 30
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far.
From "desire": desirable - admirable from "admire",
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
Topsham, brougham, renown, but known,
Knowledge, done, lone, gone, none, tone,
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
Gertrude, German, wind and wind,
Beau, kind, kindred, queue, mankind, 40
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
Peter, petrol and patrol?
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. 50
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
Discount, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward,
Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation's OK.
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live. 60
Is your R correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes with Thalia.
Hugh, but hug, and hood, but hoot,
Buoyant, minute, but minute.
Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
Would it tally with my rhyme
If I mentioned paradigm?
Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy? 70
Cornice, nice, valise, revise,
Rabies, but lullabies.
Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
You'll envelop lists, I hope,
In a linen envelope.
Would you like some more? You'll have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
To abjure, to perjure. Sheik
Does not sound like Czech but ache. 80
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice,
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label. 90
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal,
Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with "shirk it" and "beyond it",
But it is not hard to tell
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor, 100
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the A of drachm and hammer.
Pussy, hussy and possess,
Desert, but desert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
Courier, courtier, tomb, bomb, comb,
Cow, but Cowper, some and home.
"Solder, soldier! Blood is thicker",
Quoth he, "than liqueur or liquor", 110
Making, it is sad but true,
In bravado, much ado.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand and grant.
Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
Gooseberry, goose, and close, but close,
Paradise, rise, rose, and dose. 120
Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.
Mind! Meandering but mean,
Valentine and magazine.
And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
Which is wrong. Say rapier, pier,
Tier (one who ties), but tier.
Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring? 130
Prison, bison, treasure trove,
Treason, hover, cover, cove,
Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but piebald doesn't) with nibbled.
Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.
Don't be down, my own, but rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
Worcester, Boleyn, to impugn. 140
Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
Evil, devil, mezzotint,
Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)
Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don't mention,
Sounds like pores, pause, pours and paws,
Rhyming with the pronoun yours;
Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did, 150
Funny rhymes to unicorn,
Yes, you know them, Vaughan and Strachan.
No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don't want to speak of Cholmondeley.
No. Yet Froude compared with proud
Is no better than McLeod.
But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
Troll and trolley, realm and ream,
Schedule, mischief, schism, and scheme. 160
Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
But you're not supposed to say
Piquet rhymes with sobriquet.
Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
How uncouth he, couchant, looked,
When for Portsmouth I had booked!
Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty, 170
Episodes, antipodes,
Acquiesce, and obsequies.
Please don't monkey with the geyser,
Don't peel 'taters with my razor,
Rather say in accents pure:
Nature, stature and mature.
Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
Wan, sedan and artisan. 180
The TH will surely trouble you
More than R, CH or W.
Say then these phonetic gems:
Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.
Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I forget 'em -
Wait! I've got it: Anthony,
Lighten your anxiety.
The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight - you see it; 190
With and forthwith, one has voice,
One has not, you make your choice.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age,
Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry, fury, bury,
Dost, lost, post, and doth, cloth, loth,
Job, Job, blossom, bosom, oath. 200
Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
Holm you know, but noes, canoes,
Puisne, truism, use, to use?
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
Seat, sweat, chaste, caste, Leigh, eight, height,
Put, nut, granite, and unite
Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer. 210
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, senate, but sedate.
Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
Tour, but our, dour, succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
Bona fide, alibi
Gyrate, dowry and awry. 220
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,
Rally with ally; yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay!
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver. 230
Never guess - it is not safe,
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralf.
Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
Face, but preface, then grimace,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
Ear, but earn; and ere and tear
Do not rhyme with here but heir. 240
Mind the O of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
With the sound of saw and sauce;
Also soft, lost, cloth and cross.
Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
Respite, spite, consent, resent.
Liable, but Parliament.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen, 250
Monkey, donkey, clerk and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, demesne, cork, work.
A of valour, vapid, vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
G of gibbet, gibbon, gist,
I of antichrist and grist,
Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
Once, but nonce, toll, doll, but roll,
Polish, Polish, poll and poll. 260
Pronunciation - think of Psyche! -
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
Won't it make you lose your wits
Writing groats and saying 'grits'?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington, and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father? 270
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, bough, cough, hough, sough, tough??
Hiccough has the sound of sup...
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-09-2008, 07:08 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Show this to your children and grandchildren
THE YEAR 1908
This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1908.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1908 :
************ ********* ********* ******
The average life expectancy was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles
Of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average wage in 1908 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
Entering into their country for any reason.
Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas , Nevada, was only 30!!!!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.' ( Shocking? DUH! )
Eighteen percent of households had at least
One full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing
It myself, and sent it to you and others all over Canada & U.S.A
Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!
Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH?
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-13-2008, 09:08 AM:
Rated PG Male or Female
Gender
You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender. For example...
1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-23-2008, 03:36 PM:
Rated XXX Ross
A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-28-2008, 10:19 AM:
Rated PG Lorraine
Two men were working at the sawmill and one guy got too close to the saw and cut his ear off. It fell in the sawdust pit so he jumped down into the pit and was hunting around trying to find it.
The second guy saw him and hollered down, "What're you doing?"
The first man said that he had cut off his ear and was looking for it.
The second guy said, "I'll help you" and jumped in the pit. He was searching around on his hands and knees and then hollered, "I found it!"
The first guy took it and examined it closely, then said, "Keep looking. Mine had a pencil behind it."
[ 10-28-2008, 04:23 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-30-2008, 01:16 PM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
What's the difference between a musician and a fourteen-inch pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2008, 08:41 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Halloween Things That Sound Dirty but Aren't
She's a goblin.
I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
Let me see your bag... Oh! You’re having a great night.
Just get on your knees and bob your head.
She's got a nice couple of pumpkins on her porch.
If you just lick it, it will last longer.
Show me you’re Jujubes and I'll show you my Zag Nuts.
Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.
You scared me stiff.
He's got candy spread out on the floor.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2008, 08:42 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Signs You're Too Old to Trick or Treat...
You get winded from knocking on the door.
You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
You ask for high fiber candy only.
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2008, 08:44 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Halloween Rocky
One Halloween a trick-or-treator came to my door dressed as "Rocky," in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
"Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight, too."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2008, 08:47 AM:
Rated G to X Jokester
Awful Aren’t They?
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A Pumpkin Pi.
How do you make a witch stew?
Keep her waiting for hours.
How do ghosts begin their letters?
"Tomb it may concern...."
What do you call a person who puts rat poison in another person's Corn Flakes?
A cereal killer.
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.
Why are there fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why was the mummy so tense?
He was all wound up.
How do you know if a ghost is lying?
You can see right through him.
How is a werewolf like a computer?
They both have megabytes.
Why don't witches like to ride their brooms when they're angry?
They're afraid of flying off the handle.
Where do ghosts go on vacation?
Lake Erie.
Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin.
How can you tell when a window is scared?
They get shudders.
Why didn't the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
It had no body to dance with.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone.
Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
Because he's always goblin.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
He's mist.
What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
Hoblin Goblin
What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A blood vessel.
Why did the skeleton go to hospital?
To have his ghoul stones removed!
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones!
What do boney people use to get into their homes?
Skeleton keys!
What happened to the boat that sank in the sea full of piranha fish?
It came back with a skeleton crew!
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating?
Women can see right through them.
Why didn't the Invisible Man get invited to the Halloween party?
They knew he wouldn't show up.
Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!
How do mummies hide?
They wear masking tape.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.
Why do you always find ghouls and demons together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
How can you tell that Doctor Frankenstein had a good sense of humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
Why do mummies make excellent spies?
They're good at keeping things under wraps.
If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one?
At a store where they retail spirits.
Why did the doctor tell the zombie to get some rest?
He was dead on his feet.
Why did the headless horseman go into business?
He wanted to get ahead in life.
What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
"You're under a vest!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 10-31-2008, 09:12 AM:
Rated PG Ken
At George Moore's eightieth birthday party, reporters asked the Anglo-Irish novelist how it was that he continued to enjoy such excellent health. Moore answered, "It's because I never smoked, or drank, or touched a girl until I was eleven years old."
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 07:19 AM:
Rated G cutie pa2ti
Seven Signs That You May Be Addicted To Your Cell Phone.
1. You miss it when it's roaming.
2. Spelling "later" is impossible without the number eight.
3. You often mumble "Can you hear me now?" in your sleep.
4. You consider dropped calls a personal offense.
5. You can hear it ringing when it's in silent mode.
6. Your phone'e backup battery has a backup.
7. You count "texting" as part of your daily exercise.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 07:29 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
THE STRANGE VISITOR (Joseph Jacobs...1854-1916)
A woman was sitting at her reel one night; and still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of broad, broad soles, and sat down at the fireside!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of small, small legs, and sat down on the broad, broad soles!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of thick, thick knees, and sat down on the small, small legs!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of thin, thin thighs, and sat down on the thick, thick knees!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of huge, huge hips, and sat down on the thin, thin thighs!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a wee, wee waist, and sat down on the huge, huge hips!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of broad, broad shoulders, and sat down on the wee, wee waist!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of small, small arms, and sat down on the broad, broad shoulders!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a pair of huge, huge hands, and sat down on the small, small arms!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a small, small neck, and sat down on the broad, broad shoulders!
And still she sat, and still she reeled, and still she wished for company.
In came a huge, huge head, and sat down on the small, small neck!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"How did you get such broad, broad feet?" quoth the Woman. "Much tramping, much tramping!" (GRUFFLY.)
"How did you get such small, small legs?" "AIH-H-H!--late--and WEE-E-E-moul!" (WHININGLY.)
"How did you get such thick, thick knees?" "Much praying, much praying!" (PIOUSLY.)
"How did you get such thin, thin thighs?" "Aih-h-h!--late--and wee-e-e-moul!" (WHININGLY.)
"How did you get such big, big hips?" "Much sitting, much sitting!" (GRUFFLY.)
"How did you get such a wee, wee waist?" "Aih-h-h!--late--and wee- e-e-moul!" (WHININGLY.)
"How did you get such broad, broad shoulders?" "With carrying broom, with carrying broom!" (GRUFFLY.)
"How did you get such small arms?" "Aih-h-h!--late--and wee-e-e- moul!" (WHININGLY.)
"How did you get such huge, huge hands?" "Threshing with an iron flail! Threshing with an iron flail!" (GRUFFLY.)
"How did you get such a small, small neck?" "Aih-h-h!--late--and wee-e-e-moul!" (PITIFULLY.)
"How did you get such a huge, huge head?" "Much knowledge, much knowledge!" (KEENLY.)
"What do you come for?"
"FOR YOU! ! !"
(AT THE TOP OF THE VOICE, WITH A WAVE OF THE ARMS AND A STAMP OF THE FEET.)
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-02-2008, 10:58 AM:
Rated G Lorraine
There once was a witch that put a curse upon a man named Benny. She told him that he had to grow a beard because if he ever shaved he would be turned into pottery.
Well, Benny didn't believe it, so the next morning he got up and shaved. As soon as he put down the razor, POOF, he was turned into a vase.
Which goes to show you, A Benny Shaved is a Benny Urned.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 11-26-2008, 05:50 PM:
Rated PG Growing Old
I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.
I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.
Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.
I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.
They, too, will get old. I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.
Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could turn silver.
As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it).
MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART!
MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART FOREVER AND EVER! FRIENDS FOREVER!
Someone sent this to me to share with all the members of Film-Tech.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-17-2008, 07:21 AM:
Rated X Jokester
To Clear Up Any Confusion
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry, but ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However, feel free to complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of 'flatulent entertainment' (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... delivered by a topless model, and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos.
Ever.
Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem; you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just plain greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime, green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?', with: 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' - gets a Playstation 3!!
End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
* 'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'
* 'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife square on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next fatty!'
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 12-19-2008, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont.
Away with Words:
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-07-2009, 06:59 AM:
Rated G Edison
In the early 20th Century, Thomas Edison was spreading the word about electricity.
Once, while vacationing out West, he stopped at the Sioux reservation.
Edison was shocked to learn that there was no indoor plumbing, and that he would have to use an outhouse. In fact, he was told, the Sioux had to use the outhouse regardless of the weather.
To help the Sioux, Edison installed lights in the outhouse. With this kind act, he became the first person to wire a head for a reservation!
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 01-28-2009, 08:28 AM:
Rated R Jokester
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Love affairs: Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Computer Engineer: One who gets paid for reading such mails...
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
Dictionary: The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Father: An Automatic Teller Machine provided by nature.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
· Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Rumor: News that travels at the speed of sound.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 02-23-2009, 09:33 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
I just want to thank everyone for the educational emails over the past year...
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces..
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose.
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program .
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for or which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a rapist waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-01-2009, 01:32 PM:
Rated PG Jokester
Science Definitions from Kids
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell a oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Water is composed of two gins, oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are: arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.
The purpose of the skeleton is that it is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the Moon, because there is no water in the Moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the Sun joins this fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Equator: a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: to become a naturalized German.
Liter: a nest of young puppies.
Magnet: something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Planet: a body of earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-11-2009, 07:25 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic Email Replies
I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over.)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 03-13-2009, 07:18 AM:
Rated PG Phil
A man needs to get an artificial eye due to a work injury.
The eye doctor shows him a glass eye and a wooden eye. He can only afford the wooden eye so he buys it.
He is embarassed to have a wooden eye and doesn't socialize.
He hears of a handicap dance and desides that he would risk going, thinking that no one would make fun of him at the dance since they have disabilities too.
When he gets to the dance he sees a beautiful young lady with a peg leg that no one has asked to dance.
He walks up to her and says, "Would you like to dance?"
She says, "Would I?!"
He yells back at her, "Peg leg!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-04-2009, 08:07 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-05-2009, 05:08 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Signs Your an Internet Geek
When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You're amazed to find out spam is a food.
You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".
At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".
After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"
Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-13-2009, 09:55 AM:
Rated PG-13 eek: Jokester
More Nastiness
Q - What's the best form of birth control after 50?
A - Nudity.
Q - What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A - 45 minutes.
Q - How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A - None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Q - Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A - Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q - What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A - After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Q - What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q - What do you call a smart blonde?
A - A golden retriever.
Q - Why does the bride always wear white?
A - Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and Refrigerator.
Q - A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A - The blonde, because she's 18.
Q - Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A - Ask your Mom.
Q - What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A - Say, "Nice Dick."
Q - Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
A - Because they have cotton balls.
Q - What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A - A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Q - What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A - "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q - What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
A - Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Q - Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A - Mace will do that to you.
Q - Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
A - Everyone has the same DNA.
Q - What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A - A speech impediment.
Q - Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A - Breasts don't have eyes.
Q - What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A - A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q - What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A - Row row row your boat.
Q - What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A - A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time."
A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 04-14-2009, 08:57 AM:
Rated G Jokester
Native American Eggs
It was rumored that a particular Native American had a fantastic memory. Hundreds of people asked the Indian questions which he was able to answer. A skeptical young man set out to find this Indian. When he did, he thought he'd conduct a test.
After standing in a long queue of people asking questions it was finally his turn. He asked the Indian what he had had for breakfast 10 years ago. The Indian replied: "Eggs."
The young man went off not entirely satisfied because there was no evidence to prove that the answer was correct.
Ten years later the man comes across the Indian again. Very pleased to see him he greets him in the stereotypical "How."
The Indian looks up at him, pauses for a moment and then replies: "Scrambled."
Mary’s Eggs
Mary Poppins was travelling home but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly madam", he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" enquired Mary.
"Sorry, no", came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like hmmm cauliflower cheese please", said Mary.
"Certainly madam", he replied.
"And can I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled.
"In that case, I would love a couple of eggs please...poached," Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.
"Morning madam...sleep well?"
"Yes thank you", Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs though. They really weren't that nice at all," Mary replied truthfully.
"Oh, well perhaps you could care to contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"OK I will...thanks!" replied Mary, who then checked out, paused a while, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey. Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is...
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!!!"
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2009, 07:50 AM:
Rated G
Answers Given By 2nd Grade School Children to the Following Questions!!
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother & not some other mom?
1. We're related
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home& dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2009, 08:19 AM:
Rated G Jokester
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
The Vocabulary of a Mother
* Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order dessert.
* Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
* Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
* Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
* Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
* Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
* Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
* Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
* Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2009, 08:22 AM:
Rated PG
Jokester
Mommy Jacqui
After putting her children to bed, Jacqui changes into her old jeans and a worn out blouse and proceeds to wash her hair. As she hears the children getting more and more noisy in their bedroom, her tolerance grows thin. At last Jacqui wraps a towel around her wet head and storms into their room, putting them back to bed and giving them severe warnings.
While leaving the room, she overhears her three-year-old say in a shaky voice, 'Who was "that"?'
Factory Fight
There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother Frockers." The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they were called the "Cork Soakers."
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye. That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork-Soaking fight you ever saw.
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-12-2009, 08:25 AM:
Rated PG
The Vocabulary of a Mother
* Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order dessert.
* Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
* Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
* Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
* Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
* Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
* Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
* Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
* Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-26-2009, 07:25 AM:
Rated PG Jokester
How to Interpret Military Performance Reports
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to university.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Needs more to do.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the arse.
WILL GO FAR: Related to management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 5 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURCES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: (or anything else - just get him or her away from me!).
Posted by Bob Maar (Member # 763) on 05-27-2009, 12:52 PM:
Rated G Jokester
Ways To Get Rid Of Stress
· Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get and have them bill you later.
· Use your Master Card to pay your Visa and vice-versa.
· Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
· When someone says "have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
· Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
· Do your assignments in binary code.
· Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
· Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
· Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
· Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
· Write a short story using alphabet soup.
· Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
· Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
· Pay your electric bill in pennies.
· Start a rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-21-2009, 01:48 PM:
Rated PG
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded..."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-21-2010, 11:58 AM:
Rated PG.....
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"
Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 04-29-2010, 02:45 AM:
I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
He hypnotised seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and
yelled, "Fuck me!!"
Posted by Jonathan Worthing (Member # 803) on 07-09-2010, 10:38 AM:
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants
.
.
.
.
.
.
Killed by an oilslick caused by BP
SpongeBob SquarePants
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 07-31-2010, 01:26 PM:
Rated PG
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-02-2011, 10:52 AM:
Rated PG...
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 08-19-2016, 11:33 AM:
It has been 2025 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-19-2016, 11:33 AM:
Rated G....
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and speak, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking slowly toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-29-2016, 01:49 PM:
Rated G.....
SUPER BOWL TICKETS
A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl. Box seats plus airfares, accommodation etc., but he didn't realize when he bought them that this is going to be on the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.
If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5pm. Her name's Louise. She's 5'4", about 125 lbs, good cook, makes $130,000 a year! She will be the one in the white dress.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-02-2016, 01:14 PM:
Rated R.....
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-25-2016, 03:05 PM:
Rated G.....
I talked to a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 04-12-2017, 01:41 PM:
Rated G......
Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each, trousers $2.50 each."
Billy Bob says to his pal, "Bubba... look here! We could buy gobs of these...take 'em back to Kentucky... sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune! Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and won't wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Kentucky."
They go in and Billy Bob says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ....."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Kentucky ain't ya?"
"Well...yeah," says a surprised Billy Bob...."How come you knowed that?"
"Because this here is a dry cleaners."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 05-17-2017, 05:34 PM:
Rated G.......
Suggested business mottos for United Airlines.....
“Drag and Drop”
“We put the hospital in hospitality”
“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
“Our prices can't be beaten, but our passengers can”
“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
“We treat you like we treat your luggage”
“We beat the customer. Not the competition”
“And you thought leg room was an issue”
“Where voluntary is mandatory”
“Fight or flight. We decide”
“Now offering one free carry off”
“Beating random customers since 2017”
“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
“A bloody good airline”