This is topic Children in forum Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.
To visit this topic, use this URL:
https://ft-forum.com/ft/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=7;t=000186
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:32 PM:
Rated PG
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:33 PM:
Rated PG
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:34 PM:
Rated PG
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:35 PM:
Rated PG
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:37 PM:
Rated G
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:37 PM:
Rated G
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:39 PM:
Rated G
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
Posted by Tony Gallimore (Member # 5358) on 10-14-2009, 07:41 PM:
Rated G
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'
Posted by Frank Angel (Member # 248) on 02-03-2010, 07:40 PM:
Rated R
So little 14yr old Johnny is walking to his room when he hears a noise coming from his parents bedroom. He opens the door only to see his dad, butt naked humping his butt naked mom. Dad is startled and taken by surprise, but he chuckles a little and tells Johnny to get out and close the door. After the adults finish up the deed, Dad puts on his robe and hastily goes looking for Johnny realizing that he is going to have a delicate talk with him. He goes down the hall looking for his son but he's not in his room. However, as he passes the other bedroom, he hears noises so he opens the door only to find Johnny butt naked humping his grandma. Dad is shocked and yells, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!!" Johnny, not missing a stroke, turns to his dad and says, "Yah, it's not so funny when it's YOUR mother!"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 11-25-2011, 04:11 AM:
It has been 659 days since the last post.
Posted by Ian Parfrey (Member # 5122) on 11-25-2011, 04:11 AM:
Rated M
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..
The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-19-2012, 02:46 PM:
Rated PG....
Sometimes we forget the really important things in life. That seems to be what small children are for.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads, he said, "God is great, God is good, now we thank you for our food, and I would thank you even more if Grampa gets us ice cream for dessert. With liberty and justice for all, Amen!"
Along with laughter from nearby customers, I heard an older lady
remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman wearing a clerical collar stood up and approached our table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. Sometimes a little ice cream can be good for the soul."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember for the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With the big warm smile that only a child can generate, he told her,
"Here, this is for you. Shove it up your fat ass, you grouchy old bitch!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-02-2012, 02:55 PM:
Rated PG...
The pastor had called all of the little children to the front of the church, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, and had them sit around him. He said "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the resurrection. Does anyone know what the resurrection is?"
One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor said, "Please tell us what the resurrection is."
The boy, proud that he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice, "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"
It took a solid 10 minutes before the pastor could speak and there was so much laughter going on that his sermon was probably forgotten - but that boy's voice won't be!
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 11-19-2014, 10:05 PM:
It has been 808 days since the last post.
Posted by Sammy Ross (Member # 8284) on 11-19-2014, 10:05 PM:
Rated G:
"My little cousin was holding my dog when she said: If I squeezed him as hard as I love him, he would explode."
"When I asked my 3 year-old what he thought heaven was like he said: Everyone drives a monster truck all the time."
"At the market my kid said: Why are you buying beer, Dad? Do you know how much candy we could get with that much money?"
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 06-23-2016, 11:24 AM:
It has been 581 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-23-2016, 11:24 AM:
Rated PG....
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy.
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother."
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 08-11-2017, 11:51 AM:
It has been 414 days since the last post.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-11-2017, 11:51 AM:
Rated G......
One morning, two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him, he's my brother and he's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
“Yep," the boy said, "We saw on TV that, if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those.”
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-03-2017, 12:48 PM:
Rated PG......
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 08-25-2018, 01:52 PM:
Rated G...
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 09-23-2018, 12:45 PM:
Rated G...
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Larry, "Giving up?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 10-28-2018, 01:52 PM:
Rated PG.......
A little boy with diarrhea asks his mom for some Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth would you need that?"
The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when HIS shit won't get hard?"
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 12-13-2018, 01:36 PM:
Rated R.....
Little Johnnie's neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "because he'd be screwed if he needed glasses."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 01-17-2019, 05:12 PM:
Rated PG...
A firefighter was working on the fire engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and cat.
The firefighter walked over to get a closer look. "That's sure a
nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you would go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "Your probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 02-22-2019, 03:04 PM:
Rated G...
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to ‘Dad.’ With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
“Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
“Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people who live nearby for cocaine and ecstacy.
“In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
“Don’t worry Dad. I’m 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
“Love,
Your Son John”
P. S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. It’s in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it’s safe to come home.
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 06-14-2019, 02:16 PM:
Rated PG.....
Little Johnnie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnnie asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnnie looking worried said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Posted by Gordon Bachlund (Member # 124) on 11-25-2019, 12:59 PM:
Rated G....
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Johnny asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"