Yesterday one of the local major funeral homes called soliciting business and asked for my father. I explained to them that they were over 10 years too late and that I was not in the business of stacking bodies like the crematorium in Georgia! ya, they were a little embarrassed!
 

The call lasted about 30 seconds, total. Since that day I haven't had one call from any other telemarketers. I wonder if they have a "crackpot list"? I imagine that if they do, I would have made the list.
 

If a life insurance telemarketer calls me, maybe I can introduce myself as "Jack The Ripper" and ask if they cover DISEMBOWELMENT !
 

Basically, I immediately interrupt and say, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested, I don't respond to telephone solicitation, please remove me from your calling list." They can get onto their next call quickly.

Now, if the telemarketer refuses to get the polite message and wants to push it, I can really screw them up. I don't get rude. I just let them yammer away for several minutes thinking they are going to close a sale on me. Then I back out, say "not interested" and hang up. All of those telemarketers are working against a clock and they don't make squat for commission unless they register so many sales an hour. I wind up costing THEM money.

The last time I had some really good fun with a telemarketer was not long after I was given a bogus, fake, shakedown ticket by the Lawton Police Department. A cop claimed I ran a stop sign, even though I sat there letting cars pass by. He pulled me over just so he could train his rookie partner on writing tickets. The lesson cost me $80. And the court said "its just your word against the cop's word."

Anyway, the police department fund-raiser people call me up and ask for donations. I replied, "your donation is at the Comanche County Courthouse, thanks to one of your cops shaking me down for a bogus stop sign ticket." The caller said, "we don't set the fine limits, the county does." To which I replied, "but you do have the latitude to let me off with a warning. As I said, the courthouse has your donation. And I suspect you got my name on your calling list from my traffic ticket, so do me a favor and take my name off your calling list."
 

Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

My Goodness I think I'm in the wrong forum

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" and when they say, "Yes," hang up. Telemarketer Repellant
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" and when they say, "Yes," hang up.
Telemarketer Repellant
If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Say "no" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say, "Is this the salesperson?" and when they say, "Yes," hang up. Oh! Well...

Ut Oh..I think I'm in the wrong forum

Enjoy!

-Aaron
 

If my caller ID comes up as an unknown or number not available, I pick up the phone and say,

"Thank you for calling Dial An Asshole. All of our assholes are currently assisting other assholes. If you are inquiring about our free monthly news letter, The Anal Retentive, please leave your name and phone number at the beep, and the first available asshole will return your call promptly. Have a shitty day."

It works....

Most of our local Jehovah's Witnesses have learnt to avoid our home since we invited two of them in and gave them a 90 minute lecture on "our" beliefs!
 

I wonder if Joe's method will work?

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Use the "8" button on the phone to generate a loud tone that the caller cannot hear or talk over.

If the caller is an "unknown name/number" and you pick up the phone and there is a long pause or you hear what sounds like busy people in the background, hit the "8" button and hold it until they hang up. Often, they think something is wrong with their equipment and think something went wrong. I don't get as many of those types of calls since I started doing that. For those telemarketers who use headsets, I'll bet it hurts their ears, too, which is a plus.

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Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Information Site

Your response is great, but "The Weenie Man's" is a sure classic! But many times when I answer the telephone, I usually answer with something like "City Morgue-you stab em, we slab em" or something like this--sure throws people off, especially if it is a ligit business call

Dick

About Jehovash's Witnesses-you'll love this one. One day, a pack of them came to our front door and my Dad answered. To his astonishment, they had their kids with them, and yes, it was a school day. Naturally my Dad lectured them prior to slamming the door in their faces. But no, they did not relent and rang the doorbell again. So how did my Dad get the message across that he was not interested? Threatened to sic our puppy on them if they did not get off the property within 30 seconds ! Yes, this did work !

About Jehovah's Witnesses and the "inside Jewish joke" in "Monty Python's Life Of Brian"...

Basically, many things were lost when the Second Temple in Jerusalem was destroyed, among them the Ark of the Covenant and the corrrect spelling and pronounciation of God's name. In any case, the spelling of God's name in Hebrew is not pronouncable, so out of respect, acronyms are used. In Judiasm, it is deemed VERY disrespectable to try and pronounance His name. So, what is Jehovah? Yes, it is a VERY disrespectable attempt at pronouncing His name in Hebrew! Hence, that little skit in "The Life of Brian".
 

quote:

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Will Kutler -- I usually answer with something like "City Morgue-you stab em, we slab em" or something like this--sure throws people off, especially if it is a ligit business call

---

"Bill's Donkeys... Which ass do you want to talk to?"

Paul: Laughing at everything they say works pretty well, too. When they ask what's so funny, just say, "Oh, nothing..." and keep right on going as if nothing's wrong.

quote:

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Now that one I like, Evans. One question though, why the number 8? Is there any significance to the specific tone produced by that number?

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That particular tone just seems to work well. Remember, all "phone tones" are actually two tones put together. There are four rows and four columns, so there are 8 different tones, one for each row and column, and each button produces the tone for its row and the tone for its column played together. Most if not all consumer phones only have three columns and are not capable of generating the fourth column of tones.

Evans

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Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Information Site
 

"Bill's Donkeys... Which ass do you want to talk to?"

Randy, I'll have to try that one.

"May I speak with a C. Everett?"

"I'm cooking dinner right now."

"Oh, I'll try again some other time."

"May I ask who is calling?"

"This is so-and-so and I'm calling on behalf of VoiceStream Wireless ..."

I immediately press the 8 button and hold it down. Two seconds later -- CLICK!

quote:

---

I immediately press the 8 button and hold it down. Two seconds later -- CLICK!

---

Maybe I should start charging royalties for use of that trick!

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Evans A Criswell
Huntsville-Decatur Movie Theatre Information Site
 

All you have to do is pick up the phone and say, "Hello! Weenie Man!", in your best Andy Kaufman (Ladka) voice.

That will pretty much guarantee the next sound you'll hear will be, "Klik!"
 

I'll have to try the 8 thing, see how that works.

Bill
 

"___________ Morgue. You stab 'em, we slab 'em. You rape 'em, we scrape 'em - no fetus can beat us!"

(Fill in the blank with the name of a nearby redneck-type town!)
 

I pressed 8 and held it down for about five seconds. The line was still open.

Again I pressed 8 and held it down. Three or four seconds later -- CLICK!
 

There is. It doesn't work that well. Webwasher or one of the antispam program bounces the mail back the way a bad address would. The problem is that spammers use a dummy email address, so the bounce never gets to the intended destination. Periodically one of my autresponders will respond to spam. It'll get a bounce back every time because the sending address is faked.

 

No matter how hard I try, no matter how long it takes, they stay on the line!

Got any new ways to get rid of these lowlifes?
 

Say things like "yes, oh hell yes!" using your best "bedroom voice."

This may take a while, but it ALWAYS brings a deathly silence on the other end of the line.

To keep in practice, I sometimes do this while talking to friends.
 

Then press HOLD or put the phone down and see how long they wait.
That won't necessarily get you off of their calling list, but at least you are passing back more aggravation than they are calling you.

What I do is try to have a nice conversation with the person. The other day, they started their whole spiel, and I said, "Before you try to sell me something, I think you should know that even if I want it, I have no money to buy it." --moment of silence, then laughter.-- I explained to the lady that I am a starving college student living off of Ramen noodles because I frivolously spent all my money in high school. We had a nice chat about school and how when the operator went to college... a good 15-20 minutes!

=TMP=
 

And if you have Caller ID and the number doesn't show up, why would you even answer the phone? They won't leave messages, so just let the answering machine get it.