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Wanted: quarries for police dogs

Jon Ferry
The Province

Friday, November 21, 2003

I have to admit I've had a few bad jobs in my time, including being employed to clean out old chicken poop on a farm near Dawson Creek. But yesterday an amazing North Vancouver woman, Joan Klucha, gave me a glimpse of what it's like to do what must surely be the world's worst job -- working as a police dog decoy or "quarry."

Klucha, 39, did so because West Vancouver police are seeking a couple of people like her -- fearless, superbly fit folk willing to work for $8.50 an hour and let themselves be hunted down and chewed on by the likes of Sackett, a German shepherd weighing about 40 kilograms of quivering muscle.

Now, living as I do in doggy Deep Cove (with the scars to prove it), I thought I'd apply for this non-union, minimum-wage position. I just had a couple of reservations after being told that five-year-old Sackett has alligator jaws capable of exerting a force of 500 pounds per square inch.

So I asked West Van police spokesman Sgt. Bob Fontaine why the West Vancouver Police Department is seeking "experienced dog quarries . . . to assist in the continued development and training of the WVPD police dogs."

Fontaine explained: "I know we lost two [quarries] recently." Well, not exactly lost, he added: "One went on to bigger and better things. He decided he didn't want to be dog food, so he went to get an education." And the other? "I am not sure where he went," he said.

Fontaine, in fact, made the job sound so inviting I was almost prepared to ignore my boss's stern warning that, if torn limb from limb, I would not be covered by insurance. ("This is not your Christmas vacation plan," he noted.)

And that's when dog-handler Const. Jeff Newman stepped in to invite me to Ambleside Park to watch him, Sackett and Klucha at work.

Within seconds, Sackett had launched himself at Klucha and clamped his flying jaws onto her raised right arm. He took his time, however, savaging her metal-and-leather arm protector. Finally, Newman told his dog to cease and desist -- which he did, leaving Klucha bent over, gasping for air.

Newman noted there are a few unprotected humans who could take the pain of such a bite. And they're usually "high on cocaine and methamphetamine." Klucha herself admits she's a bit of an adrenaline junkie: "I enjoy the rush and the excitement of being chased, I guess, by a dog."

She insists, though, she's never had one "inappropriate" dog bite. "The injuries that I've had are because of my own fault," she said. They include a torn shoulder and calf, a dislocated hand and twisted ankle. In six years, she's spent eight weeks on crutches.

But, if you think quarries like Klucha have it rough, just imagine what the bad guys feel -- with Sackett tearing into their naked flesh. provletters@png.canwest.com

Voice mail: 604-605-2603.

E-mail: jferry@png.canwest.com
© Copyright 2003 The Province

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Link to Story.

Grr! Woof!
 

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Posted by Michael Schaffer (Member # 1204) on 11-24-2003, 03:54 AM:
 
According to Jay Leno, the 2 worst jobs in the US as far as pay, job security, benefits etc are concerned are dancer and lumberjack. So the single worst job has to be a dancing lumberjack.
 

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Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-24-2003, 08:41 AM:
 
How about:

Assembly line worker in a condom factory?
Toilet paper manufacturer?
Feminine hygene product maker?
Medical waste handler/disposer?


 

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Posted by Sam Hunter (Member # 1119) on 11-24-2003, 09:36 AM:
 
Explosives tester
Not having a job
septic tank cleaners
 

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Posted by Greg Mueller (Member # 17) on 11-24-2003, 09:44 AM:
 
Longhorn Bull, Semen Gatherer
 

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Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-24-2003, 10:01 AM:
 

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Assembly line worker in a condom factory?

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A condom machine in the gents' loo of the local pub near where I once lived had a poster on the front proudly declaring that 'each one is individually tested.' I can think of worse ways to earn a living, I guess, but this boast can't have done much for their sales figures!
 

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Posted by Sam Hunter (Member # 1119) on 11-24-2003, 10:11 AM:
 
A condom recyler job?
You know, the reusable one where when you get through with the condom you turn it inside out and shake the F$%^ out of it.
 

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Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-24-2003, 11:22 AM:
 
God! I don't really know how or why I know this:

How do they "test" each condom? It's simple, actually!
To start with, condoms are made by dipping a metal form into liquid latex. There are machines with rows upon rows of stainless steel phalluses that dip them into vats of liquid. They are sent to ovens to cure. When that's done, whole racks of rubber covered phalluses are sent to a testing machine.

The machine has a gridwork of wires or metal rings. The phalluses are inserted into the rings. The rings are electrically charged. If the condom is good, the rubber will insulate the electricity and no current will pass. If there is a hole or a thin spot in the rubber, current will pass and set off an alarm (or something) which will signal that particular condom for destruction.

Once all the phalluses have passed their test they are sent to packaging where they are sprayed with "lubricant" and rolled off their forms to be sealed up in those little foil packets. The rest is history.

Did you ALSO know that before the condom is lubricated and packaged it is stamped with a serial number?

If you DON'T know that it's probably because you never unrolled it far enough to read the printing!
 

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Posted by Rachel Gilardi (Member # 1016) on 11-24-2003, 12:32 PM:
 
So far the worst job for me was working at a fish factory...mmmmmm. You couldn't get the smell off.
 

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Posted by Mark Gulbrandsen (Member # 72) on 11-24-2003, 12:53 PM:
 
By far the worst job I've ever had was at my last employer. You all know who that was...
Mark
 

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Posted by Scott Norwood (Member # 30) on 11-24-2003, 02:03 PM:
 
Worst job ever: the two and a half months I spent working for a certain software company early this year. They grossly misrepresented themselves during the interview process, hired me, refused to give me the tools which I needed in order to do my job, didn't listen to anything I had to say (even when they were obviously clueless on important matters), then fired me because I wasn't the "yes man" that they wanted. They then tried to accuse me of poor job performance (ha!) and get me to sign a severance agreement in which I would have admitted to poor job performance (was was completely untrue) and agreed to keep quiet about the whole thing. Needless to say, my pride and reputation are worth far more than the two weeks' salary that they were offering, so I didn't sign it.

I knew that this company was grossly mismanaged from about my second day there, but I found out later that they hadn't had a single employee last more than three months with them.

Fortunately, I am now happily employeed with a well managed company.
 

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Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 11-24-2003, 03:39 PM:
 

 

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Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-24-2003, 04:35 PM:
 
ROFL!

I think we have a WINNER!
 

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Posted by Jon Miller (Member # 163) on 11-24-2003, 07:26 PM:
 
Popular Science magazine recently ran an article on the worst jobs in science. The list contains a few well-known endeavors, but most of the jobs are really on the far side of strange, even if the research has any possibility of value to society down the road.

The top, or, well, bottom-of-the-barrel, job? (I accept no resopnsibility for injury or death resulting from ROTFL )...

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1. FLATUS ODOR JUDGE

Odor judges are common in the research labs of mouthwash companies, where the halitosis-inflicted blow great gusts of breath in their faces to test product efficacy. But Minneapolis gastroenterologist Michael Levitt recently took the job to another level—or, rather, to the other end. Levitt paid two brave souls to indulge repeatedly in the odors of other people's farts. (Levitt refuses to divulge the remuneration, but it would seem safe to characterize it thusly: Not enough.) Sixteen healthy subjects volunteered to eat pinto beans and insert small plastic collection tubes into their anuses (worst-job runners-up, to be sure). After each "episode of flatulence," Levitt syringed the gas into a discrete container, rigorously maintaining fart integrity. The odor judges then sat down with at least 100 samples, opened the caps one at a time, and inhaled robustly. As their faces writhed in agony, they rated just how noxious the smell was. The samples were also chemically analyzed, and—eureka!—Levitt determined definitively the most malodorous component of the human flatus: hydrogen sulfide.

Levitt defends his work against the reflexively dismissive by noting that doctors have never studied flatulence and that smell is a potentially critical medical symptom: "The odors of feces and intestinal gas and breath could all be important markers of gastrointestinal health," he says. Hydrogen sulfide, for instance, is an extremely toxic gas to mammals, potentially playing a role in ulcerative colitis, among other diseases. And so Levitt has dedicated his career to the study of the myriad fragrances produced by the human gut and imprudently ignored by the medical establishment.

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And who says research isn't a gas?
 

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Posted by Jack Ondracek (Member # 1466) on 11-24-2003, 08:10 PM:
 
From Randy:

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Did you ALSO know that before the condom is lubricated and packaged it is stamped with a serial number?

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So you're saying that a particular "session" could be catalogued for later reference by its serial number, eh?

Ummmmm..... Impressive!
 

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Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-25-2003, 01:35 AM:
 
I guess that if a condom fails in the line of duty, so to speak, the serial number would make it possible to trace the faulty production line. Whether anyone would actually return the, err, 'sample' for a refund is another thing altogether, though!
 

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Posted by Dick Vaughan (Member # 540) on 11-25-2003, 06:45 AM:
 
I seem to remember Pete Cook and Dudley Moore in their Derek and Clive alta egos having a similar conversation.
I think the conclusion they came to involved removing certain items from one of Jayne Mansfield's orifices
 

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Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-25-2003, 10:17 AM:
 
If you didn't know that condoms have serial numbers stamped on them I guess it's because you've never unrolled them far enough!

Think about it for a second...


 

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