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Longer movies, bigger drinks and no intermissions equal a new kind of epic struggle in the theater: one bowl to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them

Peter Hartlaub, Chronicle Staff Writer

While it's good versus evil on the big screen in "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King," there's an even more epic struggle between man and nature going on in the audience. The One Ring to Rule Them All is a powerfully tempting force, but it doesn't compare to the strain of sitting through a three-hour, 20-minute movie without taking a whiz.

For moviegoers, the struggle to avoid a bathroom break becomes more difficult each year: Feature films are getting longer, concession drinks are getting bigger and intermissions have been extinct since the early 1980s. But the problem has reached epic proportions with the final film in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, which is not only one of the longest feature films in recent years but also one of the most anticipated.

"I was trying to hold on," said 19-year-old Jetta Martin, who went to the first showing of the film on Wednesday at the Grand Lake Theater in Oakland, but she bolted when Frodo the hobbit was in peril at the end of the second hour. "I put my faith in Sam and went to the bathroom."

Much like Samwise Gamgee, the bravest hobbit in the film, Martin kept her composure in the face of adversity. She race-walked efficiently to the women's room and got back to her seat in less than two minutes.

Others attending early screenings of the films haven't been so cool, to the point where the "Lord of the Rings" fans are easily distinguished from patrons of other movies.

Most burst out of the theater squinting, with slightly frenzied looks on their faces, breaking into the same half-walking-half-running dash that kids use when chasing each other at a swimming pool with a particularly strict lifeguard. For the lucky few, a bathroom is close. Others face despair, forced to get directions from an usher, travel long hallways and even climb stairs to complete their quest.

"There are all these factors in your mind," said Crispin Boyer, a 32-year- old fan who succumbed to his urge during a "Return of the King" preview screening in San Francisco last week -- scurrying to the bathroom near the end of the third hour. "I don't want to miss the movie, but I really had to go. Essentially, biology took over."

Boyer and Martin are among many Bay Area "Lord of the Rings" fans who have been waiting their whole lives for a movie version of one of their favorite books. While it may be no big tragedy to take a few minutes off from "The Green Mile," a bathroom break during "Return of the King" becomes a pisser of the highest order -- not unlike having to take out the trash in the middle of losing one's virginity.

To make matters worse, the "Rings" trilogy may be the most pee-inducing series of films in the history of cinema.

The first two films were nearly three hours long and filled with images of running water. "Return of the King" is more than 20 minutes longer and includes an hourlong centerpiece action sequence that generates excitement like few other films before it -- making the big-finish battle in "Braveheart" look like the knife fight in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video.

While the urinary crises that ensue can't be totally eliminated, they can be mitigated. The bladder-challenged should sit near an aisle, know where the bathroom is located before entering the screening and say no to that super- sized Cherry Coke. Finally, when there's no turning back, it's a matter of picking the right point in the movie to leave.

"You have to pay real close attention to the narrative," said Chris Gore, editor of the movie Web site www.filmthreat.com. "You have to choose your bathroom breaks wisely."

Gore should know. Born with only one kidney, the Los Angeles critic often takes bathroom breaks even in short movies -- and not surprisingly has become a steady advocate for the return of the intermission.

That's not an option in Bay Area theaters showing "Return of the King."

Grand Lake Theater owner Allen Michaan said exhibitors sign contracts promising not to disrupt the film print by adding anything beyond trailers in the beginning.

"As an exhibitor, I'd rather see an intermission," Michaan said. "People would buy more food."

The last intermission in a mainstream movie bisected "Gandhi" in 1982. The breaks were discontinued so more screenings could be packed into the day. Also, multiplexes were emerging in the early 1980s. Intermissions make it hard to keep track of multiplex patrons -- who could take advantage of the extra traffic to sneak into several movies without paying.

For a long time the disappearance of intermissions wasn't much of a problem. But in the past half-decade, the amount of 180 minutes-plus movies seems to be increasing to a level not seen since the early 1970s.

The biggest blow for the peanut-bladdered masses came in 1997, when "Titanic" was released. Even at a bloated 194 minutes, the movie still became the top-grossing film of all time, taking in close to $2 billion worldwide -- and dispelling the notion that long films are money risks.

"It's getting impossible to see these films without getting up and at least stretching your legs," said Gore, who suggests that multiplexes should offer some showings of movies like "Return of the King" with intermissions and some without.

A choice would have been welcomed by Julius and Aeneas Abate, ages 14 and 10, who sealed their fates when they consumed a liter of Coke and a 20-ounce diet Vanilla Coke between them before a recent screening at Metreon in San Francisco.

They bolted out of their seats shortly after the biggest battle was over ("We found a spot where nothing good was happening," Aeneas said), and felt no shame about their decision.

Back at the Grand Lake, Jetta Martin said she's been dying to see the movie, but had no choice when nature called. Her mother, 52-year-old Catherine Erin Macklin, quickly argued the point.

"You could have held on," joked Macklin, who read the books in the 1960s and wasn't about to miss a minute of the film. "It all depends on what you're made of."

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The last intermission in a mainstream movie bisected "Gandhi" in 1982.

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That is wrong. I remember earlier this year "Gods and Generals" had a printed-in intermission. There has to be others since 1982 as well.
 

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Posted by Charles Everett (Member # 889) on 12-22-2003, 05:19 PM:
 
Brad, you are correct.

The 1998 re-release of Gone with the Wind also had an intermission. I needed it for a potty break -- my kidneys were about to burst!
 

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Posted by Scott Norwood (Member # 30) on 12-22-2003, 05:34 PM:
 
Don't forget Gettysburg, which also had an intermission (in the early '90s). And Hamlet in 1996.

Lots of reissues would count, too: My Fair Lady, Lawrence of Arabia, Sparatacus, 2001, etc.

Did Last Emperor have an intermission? I don't recall offhand.

The problem with LOTR is that there's no really good place to put in an intermission. It just doesn't lend itself to one, which is too bad in some ways.
 

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Posted by Aaron Garman (Member # 1653) on 12-22-2003, 05:39 PM:
 
I'm all for intermissions on long films. When we had Gods and Generals, the intermission was nice for the patrons. With our print, we split it in two and thus could tailor our own intermission. Do you think widespread use of intermissions at a multiplex would succeed? Should the print be two prints, or just one giant one like Gods and Generals? I'd rather have two prints so that we could set our own intermission time (say if it is slow during a weekday) as well as not put so much stress on the platter with a giant print. This is the reason I was given as to why we split Gods and Generals because our platters could not handle the print size. So far, our platters are doing fine on ROTK. How much longer was Gods?

AJG

AJG
 

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Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 12-22-2003, 06:01 PM:
 
Long movies dont really put more stress ont he platter except when you are moving the print. While it is on the platter the weight is spread out evenly over it. Assuming you have good platters.

Are movies really getting longer? I cant say that one year having two mainstream releases over 3 hrs long is good enough to make that claim.

Gods and generals was 13 reel, four hours and five minutes long with trailers and a 15 minute intermission.
 

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Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 12-22-2003, 06:02 PM:
 
Warner dictated that the prints of Gods and Generals could not be split into two, but I'll bet a large amount of people did it anyway. I didn't. However I have the automation to stop the thing and have it auto-restart based upon the day and time as I programmed. Plus it was nice to thread it up once per shift.
 

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Posted by Pravin Ratnam (Member # 1417) on 12-22-2003, 11:06 PM:
 
Wouldn't intermissions help sell more concessions?
Too bad Peter Jackson is worried about the flow of the movie when he is busy putting stuff like the Saruman scenes only in the Extended Edition.

How can an intermission disturb the flow of the movie more than tkaing out scenes meant for the Extended Editions?
 

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Posted by Aaron Garman (Member # 1653) on 12-23-2003, 01:00 AM:
 
Funny thing was Brad, they ended up cutting quite a bit of the entrance music out of the second act, even as I stood there trying to help build the print. No one listened to me about the entrance music though, thus the second half began with less than a minute of music. Lovely.

AJG
 

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Posted by Steve Guttag (Member # 268) on 12-23-2003, 01:49 AM:
 
Anyone that has red the Lord of the Rings books knows that the books themselves were split in two so all Peter Jackson had to do was follow JRR Tolkien's lead. Titanic had a natural intermission spot in it.

There simply is nothing wrong with intermissions and many non-American countries expect an intermission.

For the modern multiplex I can see where the problem of an intermission can be...for an old-time single...intermissions are BIG profit boosters...it is like having nearly twice the concessions and PC boosts!

Steve
 

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Posted by Carl Martin (Member # 1146) on 12-23-2003, 04:15 AM:
 

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Warner dictated that the prints of Gods and Generals could not be split into two, but I'll bet a large amount of people did it anyway.

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and lucas dictated "episode 2" would not play on film. we split it up, largely over static concerns (we didn't have filmguard then). that did make moving it easier, though, and we move prints twice weekly, in general.

starting the second have was awkward with the music starting up a couple minutes before the first image. when it played upstairs, i would turn off the curtain breaker when starting part 2, then turn the breaker back on and manually open the curtain at just the right time. downstairs there's no curtain breaker in the booth so there was a nice blank screen and customers thinking there was something wrong. beautiful.

carl
 

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Posted by Christopher Seo (Member # 7) on 12-23-2003, 10:21 AM:
 
So wait...

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"Gods and Generals" had a printed-in intermission

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Warner dictated that the prints of Gods and Generals could not be split into two

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What could possibly be the logic behind this?

I suppose the directors' argument that an intermission would destroy the flow of their story could be valid, but it seems to me just vanity. The greatest (long) movies of all time ("Gone With the Wind", "Lawrence of Arabia", etc.) didn't suffer at all... in fact a properly designed intermission point heightens the sense of drama.

Pravin makes an excellent point about "Lord of the Rings". If the theatrical release isn't the 'true' version, who cares about the flow of the story? Or perhaps extra scenes are nowadays just a marketing gimmick. Enough with this business of 'extended' or 'special' or 'New and Improved!' editions. Why can't directors be content with one edition? Multiple editions make storytelling into a farce. It would sound incredibly silly if painters, sculptors, writers and poets all decided to come up with 'special' and 'extended' versions of their works. Why do filmmakers think it perfectly acceptable, even required? The next step would be to sell a complete set of all footage shot so consumers could create their own versions. "Yes, I have the Christopher Seo version of 'Return of the King', though it's not as good as the Brad Miller version...."
 

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Posted by Manny Knowles (Member # 1171) on 12-23-2003, 11:47 AM:
 
I had no qualms about missing a part of the movie to use the restroom. What's up with these LOTR fans? They'd rather sit in agony than miss a few moments of a very, very, very long movie? That's just dumb.

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It would sound incredibly silly if painters, sculptors, writers and poets all decided to come up with 'special' and 'extended' versions of their works. Why do filmmakers think it perfectly acceptable, even required?

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Please be careful -- you're comparing apples to oranges here.

The majority of movies -- including the LOTR movies -- should not be compared to painters, sculptors, poets, etc. Film production and distribution is a business. This is *especially* true of Hollywood product and generally true on a broader level.

The way I see it, if there was suddenly a new "Special Edition" of "Lawrence of Arabia" next year, it would be no different from the introduction of a new Barbie doll. It's just a product that they have to sell. It's all about pushing units.

Now, I don't want you to think of me as some kind of unwashed Philistine. On the contrary, I have great appreciation for the artistry that goes into (some) movies. I agree that some movies are "classics" and should be preserved in their original form. My main concern isn't so much the sheer fact of multiple editions. I only wish that the original versions would remain accessible.

I thought the "enhancements" to "E.T." and "The Lion King" were unnecessary but I am grateful that the original versions were not only preserved, but also included in the DVD releases. I also enjoyed all of the additional footage in "Amadeus" but I'm not about to trade in my DVD of the original version.

Similarly, I think it is a shame that the original versions of "Apocalypse Now" and "Star Wars" have been totally supplanted by the new versions. Coppola announced how pleased he was that "Apocalypse Now Redux" involved a recut of the original camera negative and that it would be impossible to make new prints of the old movie from the OCN.

This is a disturbing trend despite the fact that I can easily understand the economic concerns that are driving it.

Perhaps I should be thankful that I still have the original versions of these films on Laserdisc but I see no good reason why the multiple versions should not be allowed to coexist.

And, for the films we didn't collect in their original form, there's always eBay.
 

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Posted by Charles Everett (Member # 889) on 12-23-2003, 02:58 PM:
 
Taking it back on topic:

The AMC Clifton Commons last Saturday. A father and 2 restless sons make their way out of a sold-out hall (~300 seats) playing Return of the King. Father and sons go into the adjacent men's room, go potty, come out, go back into ROTK.

Best of all, I got to see all this as I was waiting to get into Something's Gotta Give.
 

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Posted by Mark Gulbrandsen (Member # 72) on 12-23-2003, 03:55 PM:
 
I say we pee in a jar and send it to the distributors! Perhaps then they'll get the message.
Mark
 

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Posted by Richard Fowler (Member # 893) on 12-23-2003, 04:43 PM:
 
In Latin America in some older cinemas I have seen urinal facilities near the screen so you will not miss the show(s), whichever is more entertaining
 

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Posted by Dan Lyons (Member # 1454) on 12-23-2003, 05:24 PM:
 
Lets get some pics of those on here!!
 

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Posted by John Hawkinson (Member # 1135) on 12-23-2003, 05:51 PM:
 
I seem to recall some rest rooms that had speakers playing the audio track from the adjacent large auditorium...can't remember where, though.

Obviously this doesn't work when a given restroom serves multiple auditoria.

--jhawk
 

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Posted by Mark Gulbrandsen (Member # 72) on 12-23-2003, 05:56 PM:
 
Its just another reason to wait for it on DVD. Stop and pea at your own convenience.
Mark
 

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Posted by Bobby Henderson (Member # 840) on 12-23-2003, 07:50 PM:
 
I think theaters just need to start selling cathedars at the snack counter. Perfect thing to include with that jumbo combo pack of popcorn, candy and 64 ounce tank sized soda.

Oh. As ill-mannered as many patrons can be, let's just be glad many aren't pissing on the floors during the movie!
 

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Posted by Jeff Stricker (Member # 224) on 12-24-2003, 07:47 AM:
 
Both the first two LOTR installments had me making a mad dash to the facilities. I'm afraid I'm in for the same experience during ROTK. Guess age doesn't make it any better either. OH well, considering the alternative....
 

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Posted by Jon Miller (Member # 163) on 12-24-2003, 06:31 PM:
 
One solution to the "problem" could be the "Stadium Pal", a discreet "collection bag" system available in both male and female versions. The product was designed originally for the sports fan desperately wanting to avoid bathroom breaks when the game gets interesting, but is also suggested for long drives and hunting expeditions. Maybe the manufacturer should add long movies to the list of "applications".
 

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Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 12-24-2003, 07:05 PM:
 
Heh heh, these have been used for many years in small-airplane aviation. Very useful when aircraft endurance exceeds pilot or passenger endurance. Known variously as a PRT (Pilot Relief Tube), PRE (Personal Range Extender), or simply Little John.

Can't wait to see these in snack bar display cases alongside Depends, or bundled with those super-sized beverages...
 

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Posted by Christian Appelt (Member # 1067) on 12-24-2003, 07:59 PM:
 

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I seem to recall some rest rooms that had speakers playing the audio track from the adjacent large auditorium...

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As ill-mannered as many patrons can be, let's just be glad many aren't pissing on the floors during the movie!

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HAH! I was cleaning theaters once a while back and found a large 44oz cup filled almost 3/4 of the way with... you guessed it... PISS! And they left it in the cupholder!! Sick bastards. I guess it gives new meaning to "renting" the drink.

=TMP=
 

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Posted by Kelly Skaggs (Member # 1780) on 12-24-2003, 08:45 PM:
 
I guess all my years in Catholic schools is paying off, those Nuns made you sit half the day before letting you go take a piss break.
 

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Posted by Bill Enos (Member # 440) on 12-27-2003, 01:01 AM:
 
We frequently skip the stupidly long intermission free movies. With one screen we can't afford to play to a single admission and a single concession take on a film that is over so late that we can't even play a short film as a late show. We will probably pass on ROTK for that reason. Itwould have to sell out most shows to make it practical, but by the time it goes second run it will be completely played out.
 

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Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 12-27-2003, 04:08 PM:
 
Bobby sed:

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let's just be glad many aren't pissing on the floors during the movie!

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You should spend some time in truck stops! Many of them have driver's theatres - it's mighty close.

 

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Posted by Richard Greco (Member # 2032) on 12-28-2003, 02:06 AM:
 
The local Drive In has a window and speakers in front of the urnials so you can see and hear your film while you pee
 

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