Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE: There's a crazy woman on my front lawn!

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Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 07-10-2005, 11:50 PM:

It takes all kinds, I tell ya!

I went out for a drive and was returning home at about quarter to ten this evening. Just as I was pulling in the driveway, this trailer trashy-looking woman comes jogging across my yard yelling at me, "Donnie!?"

"Ummm... Nooo. Can I help you?"

She gives me this story about her car being out of gas and her friend/boyfriend, Donnie, running off. I sized her up and thought she was a little crazy but mostly harmless. What the heck. I decided to be the good samaritain. I told her, "Wait right here. I'll be right back." I came back with a cordless telephone and a phone book. (You think I'm going to let a crazy woman into my house!?)

She doesn't know the name of the guy she had in her car, except his first name was "Donnie". She can't remember the name or phone number of her friend. She starts looking up the name of a Harley Davidson shop in the area, asking me if I knew where it was. (I know the place fairly well.) She starts calling the place. Of course, there's no answer on a Sunday night! She looks up another bike shop. (Cycle City. They sell Yamahas. [thumbsdown]

)

She's barely able to dial the phone much less remember a the name of the place! Finally, she blurts out, "House of Chrome! Yeah! House of Chrome!" (That's a custom bike shop cleeeeeaaan out of the other side of town!) By this time I, think she's just picking numbers out of the phone book. All the while, little by little, she's getting more and more desperate and irate. She calls some friend of hers and talks to her for a minute but they can't (or won't) come pick her up.

Every time a car came by she'd start chasing it down the street, yelling, "Donnie!?"

I aborted the phone thing and started to think about ways to get this crazy bitch out of my yard but not let her wander all over the neighborhood yelling, "Donnie!? Donnie!?", at 10:00 PM on a Sunday night. I was "on the hook" with her because I didn't just give her the brush-off. I thought to my self, "Why! Oh, Why do I have to be such a nice guy all the time!?" But then, again, if I did brush her off, there'd still be a crazy woman running around my yard. Wouldn't there?

I look down in the corner of the garage and spot a half-full container of gasoline. I thought, "Ah-Ha!" I could gas her car up and get her on her way and she'd be out of my hair! I pick up the gas can, take the phone away from her and put it down and say, "Where's your car, lady?"

We ended up walking about 6 or 8 blocks. All the while, she's jabbering incoherrently about how this guy, Donnie, has her money and her credit cards. I'm thinking, "Woo-woo! Crazy lady!" Finally, we get there. It's parked on a dark street, in a driveway in front of some old lady's house. By this time, I don't know what to think anymore.

I tell her, "I'm not touching this car until you can produce the keys and try to start it." She agrees. But, after 5 minutes of digging in her purse and though the glove compartment and everywhere else... No keys. I'm thinking, "This isn't good." I've got an irate, crazy woman on my hands. I'm standing in a stranger's driveway. Porch lights are starting to get turned on. And... I've got a can full of gasoline in my hand!

The owner of the house comes to the door and starts asking, "What's going on?" I carefully come up to the porch and try to tell her what's happeing. We chat for a minute. "Crazy Bitch" is still digging through her purse. Finally, the old lady gave me the best piece of advice I've had all night. CALL THE COPS!
I tell her, I'm giving it one more chance. If it doesn't work, I'm calling the cops. (Cell Phone in my pocket.)

Of course, she couldn't produce the keys so I called the cops. I'm standing there waiting for them to show up. Just then, this OTHER trailer trash-looking woman shows up with a dog on a leash. She walks right up to me and says, "Wanna' pet my dog?" I give the dog a quick pat on the head and TRY to get "Crazy Bitch #2" to go away. No such luck. She goes over to C.B.#1 and starts talking to her. A minute later, both crazy bitches are yelling at me, "Why did you call the cops?!"

I see the cops a few blocks down the street. I start flagging them down. It's cruiser and a SUV. (Mind you, I've still got a can of gas in my hand.) They drive up and C.B.#2 runs down the street and darts around the corner. The cops come over and I tell them the story. C.B.#1 is jabbering away, trying to talk over me. The cops do the "separate-the-suspects" trick so I end up talking to one while she's talking (jibberish) to the other.

I tell the guy my story how, this woman shows up on my lawn and I let her use the phone and how I offered to gas-up her car but she couldn't produce the keys. I said I thought she didn't have all her marbles and I had no other options but to call the police. He takes my name and address and tells me to go home. I do.

On the way home, Crazy Bitch #2 shows up again saying, "Why did you call the cops?!" I said, "She's crazy. She needs more help than I could give her. There's nothing I could do!"

CB#2 says to me, "But she's got a purse full of DRUGS!! She TOLD ME!"

I basically told her to get the fuck away from me or I'd call the cops on her, too! I think she got the message because she disappeared pretty quicky, shouting, "Narc!" over her shoulder. (I just laughed to myself.)

I trudge the 8 blocks back to my house, gas can in hand. I finally get home. I go to put the gas can away where it belongs. I look down near the edge of the driveway, in the grass. What do I find?!

Car keys!

After about 5 minutes of laughing to myeself, I picked up the phone and called the police again. I told the dispatcher who I was and that I'd found "Crazy Bitch's" car keys. He radioed the officer on the scene. The cop drives up to my house about 2 minutes later. I give him the keys. He says, "Thank you.", and goes back toward his cruiser.

Just as he was getting in the car, I said, "I hope she gets home safely, tonight." He replied, "Oh, we're calling a ride for her.", then got in and drove off.

Do you think they looked in her purse? [Wink]

Posted by Paul Mayer (Member # 355) on 07-11-2005, 12:04 AM:

Sounds like a typical night in my neighborhood Randy (lots of meth "labs" around here). Sounds like you're ready for the 'Vegas Big Time. [Big Grin]

Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 07-11-2005, 12:17 AM:

I've been to Vegas. It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there. [Wink]

I'm just thinking, "Why didn't I just give her the "ol' shove-off" when I had the chance?"

But, then, I would have been left with a drug addicted, trailer trash, crazy bitch running around my yard. Wouldn't I?
I should'a just told her to get the F*** out of my yard or I'd call the cops. But that wouldn't solve the problem of her car being parked in some old lady's driveway. Would it?

Calling in "the professionals" was the right thing to do, I'm sure. But I just keep thinking to myself, "I gotta' quit being such a push-over!" [Roll Eyes]

Posted by John Hegel (Member # 628) on 07-11-2005, 01:31 AM:

I can top that.

Since I used to have a meth lab right across the street from me (until it burnt up) I’ve had my fare share loonies wandering around in my yard, swinging on my tree swing, talking to the voices in there head, singing, dancing, etc.

Well one day one of them decided they needed to call the cops, so they start pounding on my door; and I was like okay, go for it.

Lesson #1 If you are the only other person around, and they are talking to at least 5 different people... Don't let them in your house.

Lesson #2 If they are in your house, don't let them call the cops because then they go into a panic attack because "they are coming to get them".

Lesson #3 While they are panicking because the cops they called are coming, don't allow them to go back outside because they will jump in front of moving cars in an effort to get away.

Yeah, living in small town Iowa that is close to I-35 and I-90 is fun.

Posted by Monte L Fullmer (Member # 2797) on 07-11-2005, 03:19 AM:

I had a "Crazy Bitch" episode also.

A theatre that I used to work at was next door to a cowboy bar (sad, one of the most busiest and the most popular theatre in town and a scummy cowboy bar right next door - oh well, they let us cash our payroll checks there...lol), and one night after closing the theatre down, there was a "CB" sitting in the front seat of my car (since the doors wouldn't lock) since I had parked the car in front of the bar.

She was 10 sheets to the wind and wanted me to take her home. Being a dummie at the time and to get rid of her and kinda knew the part of town where these tramps live at, I figured to go ahead and take her home just to get her out of my car.

Okey, on the street getting ready to take her home was no problem, but then she started to make the slobbery moves on me, then suddenly went ballistic on me if I didn't do and go what/were she wanted.

Then, I got some smart. The Police Station was over to the next block and she wasn't paying attention to my driving, just yelling in my ear. I pulled in the parking lot where the cruisers were parked, flagged down an officer,got his attention of my desparate intentions, and he hurried over and quickly hustled the woman out of my car into the building. She still didn't know what was all goings on until I started to leave, then she was yelling great obsinities at me.

Danged drunk bar whenches .....

-Monte

Posted by Ken Layton (Member # 133) on 07-11-2005, 09:21 AM:

Hey Randy it looks like they need to start bringing the COPS tv show to your area. Sounds like there'd be some good episodes there.

Posted by Marc Hansen (Member # 705) on 07-11-2005, 08:12 PM:

We used to have a crazy lady that lived near my store. She came in one day trying to sell 3 charge cards for $5 each. I gave her $15, called the card company, they gave me a $50 each reward for picking up the stolen cards. This was in the days before electronic card proccesing, if she kept it under the call in limit (usually $50 or $100) she could have charged quite a bit before being caught. I think they only sent out the bad card list once a week or so.

Posted by Dennis Benjamin (Member # 1137) on 07-12-2005, 08:01 AM:

We have all had 'crazy bitch' episodes. I unfortunately dated a few.......

Posted by Andrew McCrea (Member # 674) on 07-12-2005, 02:31 PM:

[Eek!]

Posted by Jim Bedford (Member # 4) on 07-12-2005, 02:57 PM:

This is a movie review, right? Or, have you optioned the screenplay? Who's going to direct and star?

Posted by Joe Redifer (Member # 3) on 07-12-2005, 04:12 PM:

quote: Andrew McCrea

Thank you so much for the valuable input and great contribution to the forum community.

Posted by Jeremy Fuentes (Member # 2135) on 07-12-2005, 10:47 PM:

[Big Grin]

Posted by Mike Spaeth (Member # 524) on 07-12-2005, 10:58 PM:

[Razz]

Posted by John Wilson (Member # 269) on 07-12-2005, 11:44 PM:

Not sure it would make it to a full feature (although lesser short stories have been stretched to features before...remember When A Stranger Calls?) but definately a great short film.

Great Short Film ... now there's three words that rarely go together.

[ 07-13-2005, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: John Wilson ]

Posted by Dave Williams (Member # 299) on 07-13-2005, 12:08 AM:

Paramount Pictures presents..

"Crazy Bitch on my lawn"

"Crazy Bitch #2"

"Crazy Bitch and a half gallon of gas"

I too had a crazy bitch story...

Back in the day when I drove a cab, I had to drive this drunk ass crazy bitch home. She began to punch me in the head from the back seat, leapt over the seat half way and grabbed the steering wheel, began elbowing my neck and face, and biting my arm.

I slammed on the brakes, took the keys and my cell phone, locked the doors and got out of the car. I had my cab set up as it was when it was a cop car, so you cant get out if I lock the doors. However the window was down so she could hang out and puke if necessary while we were driving, so while stopped she was leaning out half way over the door and yelling at oncoming and passing traffic that I was trying to rape her.

People did stop and try to help, until she tried assaulting them. One person wished me good luck with that.

When it went to court, she was insistent that I was trying to rape her and wanted her lawyer to challenge the assault charges and make them charge me for rape.

Her lawyer told her, as I overheard her and him talking "look how he is dressed. He is in a suit, you are wearing... that!. He works for...(company name deleted for security reasons)..., he has gone through a full and thorough background check. WE CHECKED HIM OUT, he is clean, not a drop on his record. People respect him, and you have three outstanding assault charges as it is. If we challenge this, we lose, and you go to jail. Plead guilty and get time served."

So she agreed, called me an asshole and that was that..

Oh and there was the lady that had me take her home, and she began to instead of going through the door, began breaking windows. I called the police, turns out it was her boyfriends home, not hers. His WIFE was a little upset to find out that her HUSBAND had a GIRLFRIEND. She seemed more upset about that instead of the windows.

Ciao

Posted by Joe Redifer (Member # 3) on 07-13-2005, 02:54 AM:

quote: Jeremy

quote: Mike Sapeth

Gee, I didn't see those coming. You guys are almost too clever! Keep it up!

Posted by Phil Hill (Member # 371) on 07-13-2005, 03:53 AM:

I agree, Joe! [beer]

Posted by Jeremy Fuentes (Member # 2135) on 07-13-2005, 07:10 AM:

Joey said:

quote:
Keep it up!

Posted by Jason M Miller (Member # 2597) on 07-13-2005, 07:17 PM:

wow Randy, you should get a fence with a locked gate. Then you can look out your window laughing while the old ladies try to climb over the fence.

Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 07-13-2005, 10:24 PM:

It's really odd because we USUALLY have very little trouble with strangers coming into the yard.

I get a few empty beer cans tossed into the yard from passing cars. If you hit them with the lawn mower the right way, you can fling them back out into the street quite nicely! [Big Grin]

Seriously... We live, literally, right outside the airport fence. The Airport Police perimiter patrols go past my house several times daily. This sort of problem is a rare occurrence.

The way I see it, this crazy bitch wanted to buy some grass and she hooked up with this kid who said he'd score her some. He got in her car, gave her a toot of something just strong enough to make her loopy then drove her around town long enough to get her good and lost. Next, he gets her on some dark back street somewhere, takes her money and credit cards and high-tails it out of there, leaving her with no money, no gas and a baggie full of actual grass, fresh-picked from somebody's lawn. I simply got caught up in the aftermath of this woman's ordeal. She probably isn't very swift even when she's NOT stoned off her ass!

I don't think she'll be back any time soon. Finding herself lost, alone, out of gas, with no money, in a strange neighborhood and stoned off her ass when some guy calls the cops on her should be unpleasant enough of an experience to get the point across that she's not wanted. If it isn't, I can just call the cops again. This time I'll tell them the WHOLE story.

Being caught with what you THINK are drugs, even if they are fake, is STILL enough to get you arrested and booked. Once they determine the stuff isn't real they can't hold you unless there are other circumstances.

Still, if THAT doesn't teach her a lesson we can go back to that sticker on my front door! [Wink]

Posted by Tim Reed (Member # 137) on 07-21-2005, 11:41 AM:

Rules for dealing with bums:

1) Never look them in the eye.. don't hesitate, keep walking.
2) Never give money to them (or anyone holding a cardboard sign, for that matter).

In the truck stops, a popular story is the guy claiming he's broken down on the interstate and his wife and kids are alone at the car. If you do anything but offer cash, even if you are nice and apologetic, they just turn on their heel and walk away -- no thank you, goodbye, kiss my ass... When they find they can't play on your sympathy, they drop the act and search for another mark. I have learned to just never acknowledge anyone standing at my door. That may sound harsh, but trust me, these are just bums.

One guy I keep seeing at the Pilot (truck stop) in Milford, CT has a great scam. He gets drivers to talk to him by posing as another driver, then he hits them up for money. This guy carries a shower bag and acts like he's walking back to his truck from the showers (or vice-versa). The first time I saw him, though, his body language gave him away. He walked in a slight zig-zag fashion across the lot and would strike up random conversations. A real driver would make a bee line for his truck or the showers, but this guy obviously couldn't decide which way he wanted to go. Although, I saw more than one driver give him a couple bucks, so I guess it worked.

If someone approaches you saying, "Excuse me, sir.." it's probably not to let you know your shoes are untied. They want something from you, usually money. Keep moving and say nothing.

Of course, the sad part is, this makes it hard for someone who legitimately needs help to get it. The con artists of the world have made cynics of us all.