This is topic How our folks drive us insane in forum Film-Yak at Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE.


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Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-07-2006, 08:45 PM:
 
Okay, most of you know I'm living at home while I finish college. That is, if I don't go insane first. My parents are very old-school conservative and have an incessant need to keep track of everything about my life. One thing I was doing to eke out a tiny bit of privacy was to stay in my room a lot of the time and often with the door locked. This was disrupting their ability to pry and spy and something had to be done. Their solution? Simply remove the lock...the entire doorknob assembly in fact!

However this situation changed dramatically recently. Through no fault of mine I accidentally walked in on the parentals in flagrante delicto. Nothing was said but I was completely traumatized. I shudder just thinking about it. But there was an upside. The doorknob missing from my door played no role in this horror but nevertheless it miraculously reappeared back to normal that very same evening. Looks like someone learned a small lesson about privacy. As for me I'm still traumatized but at least I can be so in private. They still get mad when I lock the door during the day though. I just find it hilarious that they act like what I saw never happened. When it was very apparent that they saw me.

Do you guys have any insane stories about you dealing with your parents?

[ 11-08-2006, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Jennifer Pan ]
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-07-2006, 09:33 PM:
 
I know you have been sheltered your whole life, but there are far worse things that you could have seen.
 
Posted by Jack Ondracek (Member # 1466) on 11-07-2006, 11:15 PM:
 
You tell an interesting story, Jen... but I'm not sure you set up your problem all that well. OK, maybe your folks don't think the doors in their house should be locked. But then... it was your home, but it's now their place.

I have 3 daughters. Being "The Dad" can drive anyone nuts. My girls now have their own homes. One of them leaves me the extra keys to her car and her home... not so I can "check in" (which I don't), but because she's not confident of losing her copies. Call that one a matter of "reverse trust", if you will. I carry her key with the rest of mine, but she has no reason to think I'd ever "barge in". My other two have their own homes and keep their keys... their place, their rules. That's how we do things at my place, and it's fine for them, too.

My youngest visits frequently. She gets her room and what privacy she feels she needs. However, when she's here, she usually drives one of my cars. We agree that when she plans to be out late, with the SUV, I get phone calls at certain times after midnight, which doesn't mean I try to restrict how late she stays out. She doesn't drive when the "after-closing bar crowd" is on the streets. I get a call if she plans to be someplace all night, and I get a call when she's on her way home. Though she usually tells me, I don't ask who she's with or what she's doing... just that she's ok.

I think this strikes a reasonable compromise... and she's not complaining. When she's home, I "wait up", not to mention the use of our car. Therefore, I don't think a little communication is asking too much.

Apparently... for us... this works well enough. My daughters call and visit often. The youngest is in her university marching band and a local big band, and we get frequent invites to her appearances. My oldest is a basketball referee, and we attend a lot of her games, at her request.

Considering how these things could go, I'm certainly not complaining.
 
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 11-07-2006, 11:53 PM:
 
The whole lock thing is just your parent's friendly way of saying "it's time you expand your horizons", by gently making things such that you want to leave to have total privacy.

Torturing you with the sex visual is a different issue. That is a threat from them them saying "ENOUGH...GET OUT OR WE WILL KEEP DOING THIS IN FRONT OF YOU!" [Razz]
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-08-2006, 12:07 AM:
 
Yeah, I just had a lecture from my mom today. She was telling me that I might as well live alone if I don't do the things that make them happy. For example, be all nice and friendly to their house guests, who are staying over for a month. I have no desire to care about these guests so I go straight to my room and mind my own business. My mom flips out because I don't talk to these people. Then she tells me that I don't love her... and that I'm always trying to hurt them and embarrass them.

Since I live under their roof I have to go by their rules. Well, I'm out of there as soon as I find a better job.
 
Posted by Dave Williams (Member # 299) on 11-08-2006, 01:37 AM:
 
I currently live with my In-Laws. They offered to have me and the mrs. stay as long as we needed. They are sympathetic to my health degrading for the many years it has. My wife goes to school so that I can eventually retire while I still have a few good years left.

While on the subject of health, I am currently in a partial remission of my RSD for the first time in five years. I still suffer from nearly unbearable nausia and virtigo from the medication, but the pain levels have been dropped six points from normal, although the spikes are still there. This is really the best anyone could have ever expected, and I will take whatever I can get. I expect to play basketball in January for the first time in five years, so I am pretty stoked about the whole thing.

I love the place I live in, even though I do have to put up with the constant intrusions and discussions on how we can improve our lives. For free rent I will take it. It helps with the medical bills and the IRS, and we expect to be debt free in Feb of 2007.

Between my mother in law not closing the bathroom door when she goes to the bathroom, or closing her bedroom door when she changes, and my father in law walking around in a bathrobe untied and no underwear, it is enough to just make you want to be homeless. But then he loves having me around, being the son he never had.

He actually has a son, but he is a total dork and keeps sneaking in the house to see if he can find financial records and the like. We changed all the locks and fiberglassed the windows, hooked up a total death alarm and have enough armaments to start another american revolution.

My own dad was a dork. This guy I can put up with.

Ciao
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-08-2006, 02:37 AM:
 
I know some people in Jen's position. Even though one individual is a college student in her mid 20's she is living at home and her folks treat her as if she were an early teenaqer...including dictating her car useage and setting curfews!

I guess that if you are living at home for free then you fall under their "rules". But if you are paying rent via $$ or physical labor around the house (chores) then you coud be considered a renter and entitled to certain privacy rights.

Cheers

Kutler
 
Posted by Kelly Arciniaco (Member # 4048) on 11-08-2006, 10:55 AM:
 
I'm in the same situation you are, Jen. I still live at home while at school. It's also hard for me though because my step-mom is an alcoholic. Most of the time I stay away from the house at school, or at work. The worst part is having to explain EVERYTHING to my parents, where I'm going, when I'll be back, etc. It doesn't sound that bad, but when my mom's drunk she'll yell at me for, say, going to starbucks with my friend three days ago and spending too much money on coffee. (And trust me, she can spend a whole day screaming about coffee!) Hopefully I can save some money and get an apartment soon ^^
 
Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-08-2006, 01:22 PM:
 
When you walk into a room to find your father boinking somebody who is NOT your mother, who then punishes YOU for your bad manners, give me a call...

[Frown]
 
Posted by Mike Blakesley (Member # 26) on 11-08-2006, 01:58 PM:
 
quote: Jennifer Pan
My parents are very old-school conservative
Given some of her past posts here, I get the feeling that THIS is the root of Jen's discomfort. [Wink]

Jen: At least your parents are still around to drive you crazy. My folks drive me crazy sometimes too, but when I think of the fact that they won't be around forever, it makes it easier to put up with. (I do admit that I couldn't live with them though...so I do feel your pain!)
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-08-2006, 02:18 PM:
 
I think the same way, Mike. My family drives me nuts when they all talk about me when I'm not around. I mean, they will know what I had for dinner last night and they all just talk forever about it. It annoys me, but I know your family is really all you can count on and they won't always be there, so I just brush it off.

I used to be a whiney brat about this kind of stuff. But as I get older and realize that I don't know everything and can't do everything alone my thought proccess has changed.
 
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 11-08-2006, 02:22 PM:
 
This really isn't that surprising. We all had to live with our parents AND put up with whatever their rules were for a good 20 years (give or take). There is an amazing quantity of people in this world who can't hold a marriage for 20 years, and yet that person is someone who we picked as someone to spend the rest of our lives with. You can't pick your parents.

And before someone comes on here whining about how much they love their parents, yeah sure ok I get your point...but the fact remains you DID move out! [evil]
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-08-2006, 02:55 PM:
 
quote:
..but the fact remains you DID move out! [evil]
You sure about that?
 
Posted by Steve Scott (Member # 630) on 11-08-2006, 03:51 PM:
 
Around age 17, I tore out of my shell & decided to test the waters of logic & experience that exist outside of the home sphere of influence. Doing so made my folks feel obviously threatened. To this day, they still believe they hold the end-all right ways to do everything & I ought to have only listened to their advice. It was only a year before that my mom finally had to let go of the idea that I would wait til marriage to have sex...

I had to tell them sorry, but I wouldn't take one or two people advice for granted, ever, without conisdering all alternatives. I moved out & in making my share of mistakes, only had to move back in with them once, for three months. It was awkward as hell. They thought I'd mold myself into their empty nest lifestyle for some reason. If I had friends hang out late at night, they'd lose sleep prowling around us, but nevertheless leave out ashtrays (when I was a smoker).

They now mostly accept how I live differently from them, how cleanliness of my living space isn't my utmost priority & how I'm not one to dash out to the clinic at most any symptom. I live two towns over from them, now, and when we get together I still feel sort of alien to them.

They always suggest I should move back in with them to pay off my debt. But I don't stop at 9pm like they do. I'm not a sports fan, like my younger brother who's constantly at home. I'm also the only sibling with a romantic agenda, so the parents' house is an albatross I can't bear to deal with.

I appreciate the offer, but after my school years I really expanded myself into the greater world. Going back only works in small doses.
 
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 11-08-2006, 05:00 PM:
 
Chris, I wasn't referring to The Jen. I said "before someone comes on here...." silly.
 
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-08-2006, 05:03 PM:
 
I think the bottom line is that when people get to their late teens, they want independence and autonomy and their parents are anxious about letting go. That combination is bound to cause some mieowing and hissing: the only issue is how much and how long it lasts. It's a major process of change, at the start of which you're financially and emotionally dependant on your parents and at the end of which you're not. Give and take on both sides is needed in order to keep the stress levels down during what is a big adjustment.

quote: Jennifer Pan
The doorknob missing from my door played no role in this horror
How do you know?

On second thoughts, the detail needed to answer that question is probably not suitable for a respectable website...

In flagrante with a doorknob; now that's an interesting thought... [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-08-2006, 05:45 PM:
 
quote: Brad Miller
Chris, I wasn't referring to The Jen. I said "before someone comes on here...." silly.

I wasnt either, duh.
 
Posted by Joe Redifer (Member # 3) on 11-08-2006, 06:31 PM:
 
Jeez Brad, get a clue you silly goose!
 
Posted by Donna Siegwart (Member # 3232) on 11-08-2006, 08:49 PM:
 
All I can say is I am lucky in my living situations so far. I just moved back in with my Mom until I can get a place with my Fiancé and its so weird living with my mom and her friend (who is a quadriplegic). I myself lived with a friend and HER family for the past 2 1/2 years! Though they never bothered me, I was always at work.

I just try to stay out of peoples way. Oh and Kelly, remember you have to visit me, and you can complain about your mom to me, you have my cell (i miss brick a little)
 
Posted by Wayne Keyser (Member # 2420) on 11-08-2006, 10:16 PM:
 
I gotta tell ya - it's tough being a dad, too.

Picture it: Me, the missus, and two boys live in a lovely condo, the boys in their bedroom on the top (entry) floor and the adults in their bedroom directly below (it's quiet, cool and dark, and I love it, but all those things bothered the kids so they are happily upstairs where it's sunny and there are no monsters hiding).

So the older one is 18, and off to college, and sometimes visits and brings his girlfriend. And she's sweet and quiet and, I'm sure, is not thrilled finding me upstairs getting breakfast and turning on the TV quietly and sitting my poor semi-crippled self in my special chair, about a foot away from her, as she sleeps till ten or eleven (usually with my boy curled up beside her as I often find them when I arise). Heck, I'm not gonna make them get up, but I can only hide downstairs for so long.

So last visit, I reach an agreement with the younger kid - he can sleep on the sofa, and they can sleep in the kid room - there's nothing they can do there that they couldn't do in the living room while the rest of the house is asleep.

EXCEPT...

that I wake up in the middle of the night to "freshen up my makeup," and from the bedroom overhead (you see this coming way down the road, don't you?) "BOONK-boonk-BOONK-boonk" ... sounds like firemen are pounding down the wall above me ... and I first reflect that it seems like an effort that easily matches or surpasses the best I remember from my own experience, I muse that I might do what you do with cats yowling outside in the yard at night and throw a pan full of cold water on them in there, and then remember that I sort of asked for this so I can't complain, and THEN I reflect that it's gonna be difficult to get back to sleep, and how do I mention tactfully in the morning that he MIGHT move the bed a couple more inches from the wall?

Whose idea was it to have kids, anyway? Oh, yeah ... mine.
 
Posted by Bruce McGee (Member # 131) on 11-08-2006, 10:27 PM:
 
After living on my own for almost 30 years, I moved back home in 2/06 after I was allowed to come home from the hospital. I could NOT take care of myself, but had a pal move into my house and take care of my animals.

I lived in the bed, and very short steps to the bathroom, and that was it.

My folks are in their late 70's, and were very happy to have me back in the house. It drove me crazy after 7 weeks, as I had no privacy, and also had to deal with my sister, and her 6 year old son living there, too.

When I started walking around a bit, I started getting a bit brazen, and started talking back to my mom. She suddenly decided that it was time for me to go back to my house. So I did, but will never forget all the help she and my dad did for me while I was critical.

Jen, you got your doorknob back. I think, unknowingly, you made your point.

I never saw my folks making whoopee, but I know they did, at least 3 times... I have 2 sisters!

All the best. Things will work out.

Bruce
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-09-2006, 03:08 PM:
 
This is off the topic a little...but thought it would give everyone a little chuckle.

When I was in the service the dorms were co-ed. One of the female tennants was a nymp and SCREAMER...you could clearly hear her the entire length and breadth of the barraks hallway. Occasionally we would congregate outside her door and have a good chuckle...including pulling the ole routine seen in the classic film "MASH", where a microphone and pa system was used to "enhance her pleasure"!!

But I never, ever played practical jokes on my poor tormented folks! Not that they bought me the Radio Shack 101 Electronic (Science Lab) kit that did contain a "bug" circuit that I placed in their room!!!!!

Kutler
 
Posted by Josh Jones (Member # 447) on 11-11-2006, 06:02 AM:
 
ROFL!!! Wayne that was awesome. the visuals were spectacular, and should be in a movie somewhere. [Big Grin]

JJ -
 
Posted by Aaron Mehocic (Member # 15) on 11-11-2006, 12:05 PM:
 
I grew up as the only child in a two-parent home. My dad often walked into my room unannounced and openly questioned me on new things he might find. My mom thoroughly cleaned every room in our house at least once per week - arranging closest and sweeping under beds was standard-operating-proceedure. The short story here is that I had no privacy as a kid.

I respect that. Specially now since my daughter has been born.

It wasn't that I wanted to rebel against my parents quirky ways. Even as a kid I understood why they were doing what they were doing. I lived in their house and it was their rules. My greatest fear growing up wasn't that they were going to find beer cigarettes or porn, but that if they did I let them down. And I think that hurt me more than if they had found contraband.
 
Posted by Pravin Ratnam (Member # 1417) on 11-15-2006, 04:30 AM:
 
If a kid is an adult, I do not care if they are living with their parents, the parents need to back off of the room. Their only concern should be how their kid takes care of the house, doesn't leave unwashed dishes, noise level, any illegal activities such as use of drugs in their house putting them at legal risk, and how the kid's friends conduct themselvesa in common living areas.

So unless Joe makes a trip and is loitering in common living areas snorting coke off of Jennifer's ass, Jennifer's parents should back off. [Wink]

P.S.: I hate to say this, but I do side with the parents on Jennifer's treatment of house guests. Unless these guests are ungrateful moochers and are taking advantage of the parents, I would say the parents are justified in asking for friendlier behavior.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-15-2006, 07:36 AM:
 
Well, I already said hello to the guests when they first arrived. So I don't see any other greetings necessary. But my parents expect me to be all bests friends with these people EVERYDAY. Not trying to dog on old people but these guests are old people who spend all day gossiping about other people... and when you add my parents into the mix I'm surprised they don't work for 60 minutes the way they jabber on about everyone and everything.

It's not my cup of tea... to add on top of that the other day my mom wanted me to give some money to these guests because since they are old people they should get money...?? They need to be giving me money not the other way around. I mean they can afford plane tickets to visit and go back and now they want my money? I'm pretty sure my parent gave them some cash because "they are old" and paid for all the food they wanted while they stayed over here.

My parents have been this way since the dawn of time and I'm very sheltered because of that. They've gone through my room and looked through/rearranged everything in my room at least 6 times this year. And every time they find nothing... This isn't a big deal to me because I never had the desire to want to sneak out but when my parents bought the house here in AZ they bought it with metal BARS on the front door and windows already on them. Every month or so my dad checks my car mileage and interrogates me of where I have been.

What's been useful so far is that I have to be naked in my room... and when they try to come in unannounced I yell at them for coming in when I'm naked. They quickly close the door and walk away.
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-15-2006, 12:13 PM:
 
EASY fix. Three or four giant dildos, maybe get a strap on. Your parents are obviously too shy to talk to you about sex. So start planting stuff that they don't want to see. They won't look for things they dont want to see.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-15-2006, 01:09 PM:
 
No, they will just throw those away. Like my Victoria Secret Catalogs when they come in the mail and if I receive any packages they sometimes open it or interrogate me of what I bought. Then lecture to me about money.

There were several times when they wanted to actually take the whole door out.
 
Posted by Bobby Henderson (Member # 840) on 11-15-2006, 01:10 PM:
 
My parents were pretty cool about respecting my privacy and not trying to shelter me from everything in the world. When I was 12 they let me listen to Van Halen and hang a fairly naughty poster on my bedroom wall. It was from the Queen vinyl record "Jazz" (the poster featured over 100 naked ladies on bicycles at the starting line of a race in Germany). I should note my parents were still pretty young at the time, just turning 30.

They kept the rules short and simple. Keep up with the homework and few chores I had and don't do anything illegal. Outside of those restrictions my brother and I had quite a bit of freedom.

But I'll tell you what drives me nuts about my parents: the little things.

For instance, my father can get a bowl of cereal, ice cream, soup, potato salad or just about anything else and drive me up the wall with how he eats something. He has to stir around and play with his food, clink the bowl with the spoon and make all kinds of smacking noises when he finally starts eating. To compound matters even worse, he has to do this in the living room recliner while endlessly clicking through TV stations with the remote, never watching more than 10 or 15 seconds per channel. "Dad? You ever hear of a TV guide?" I just can't be in the same room.

My mother has some of the traits of a hypochondriac. Whenever I got any kind of bug, she'd claim she had the same thing. If I wasn't really sick and just pretending to test her, yep, she'd be sick with whatever I lied about having.

I think the same thing is part of what kills many marriages. Money is usually the root of the problem. But it's also like that quote from The War of the Roses: "when I watch you eat, when I see you sleep, when I look at you lately I just want to smash your face in."

Teens and college age adults at least have the luxury of simply moving out when they reach that level of madness with their parents.
 
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 11-15-2006, 02:34 PM:
 
quote: Jennifer Pan
What's been useful so far is that I have to be naked in my room...
Ummm, is this house policy?
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-15-2006, 02:54 PM:
 
I think strap-ons are in a slightly different category as victoria secret catalogs. If they are in denial about your sexual activities then finding something like that it would put them deeper in denial.

You can gat a PO box for your porn magazines.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-15-2006, 03:10 PM:
 
I already have a P.O. Box... the catalogs keep coming to my house address for some reason.

I do not need porn magazines, the catalog is in reference to the lingerie I buy...

As for the strap on... I don't roll that way. But you should tell me how that feels for you.

Brad, naked is MY policy. [Cool]
 
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-15-2006, 03:49 PM:
 
quote: Jennifer Pan
My parents have been this way since the dawn of time and I'm very sheltered because of that. They've gone through my room and looked through/rearranged everything in my room at least 6 times this year. And every time they find nothing...
This does sound like an intolerable and unsustainable situation: if I found myself in it, I think I'd leave first and work out how to survive away from home later. I suppose it's easy for me to say this, not being and having never been a parent, but this strikes me as going way beyond even the furthest boundary of normal parental anxiety or understandable desire to be keeping tabs on what goes on inside their own house.

In the immediate short term, though, if they're prepared to do things like searching your room and removing the door knob, are you sure they aren't looking at this website?
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-15-2006, 03:54 PM:
 
I am thankful that they barely know how to use a computer let alone surf the net and find this site. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Bill Enos (Member # 440) on 11-23-2006, 08:32 PM:
 
Instead of whining about having to live by somebody else's rules, get a job if you don't already have one and move out. Most of the concesson and box people at this theatre are full time students and work about 30 hrs. a week to keep them selves out of the circumstances you complain about. Most share apartments with 2 or 3 others but find that more satisfactory than parents.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-23-2006, 08:41 PM:
 
Bill, duh! That's what I've been trying to do. I've been on a new job hunt for the past 2 months. I'm even looking at 2 or even 3 jobs at this point. And the past month I've been looking at renting an apartment or even a house. It might be easy for people to just leave and go, but I plan my shit out so I'm not out on the street like a homeless mofo. Dang. Maybe you need to read all the posts before jumping in and saying that.

By the way, I already work 45+ hours a week and I plan on working a 2nd job on top that on the weekends.
 
Posted by Cameron Glendinning (Member # 3516) on 11-24-2006, 10:30 PM:
 
wow Jen.

45 hours a week and you cannot afford to move out, Thats sad or should I say America's working poor is scary. (coming soon to Australia, our workplace laws have recently changed)

Truth Justice and the American way. I guess that won't be the Export to the world that it use to be.

Anyway Jen, Its scary how much your parents love you, at your age its claustrophobic, but in a few years (after you move out) you will hopefully look back fondly on how much they cared.
 
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-25-2006, 08:21 AM:
 
I get the impression that the cost of living has increased massively relative to earnings pretty much everywhere in Europe and North America over the last 5-10 years. I earn significantly over the UK's national median average wage, but I still estimate that I would need around a 40% pay rise to afford to stop renting and buy a one-bedroom flat (deposit, mortgage payments plus the other expenses that come with being a home owner, e.g. maintenance, insurance and higher council tax) within a 20-mile radius of where I live now. For the first time we're seeing a generation of people in their early 20s going back to live with their parents after university, because they are simply unable to earn what is needed both to service their student debts and live independently. I'd have to start expressing political views to try and explain why this has happened, but suffice as to say it's a big problem and shows no sign of going away.
 
Posted by Aaron Mehocic (Member # 15) on 11-25-2006, 12:28 PM:
 
Yes, but I'd still say its a question of economics at heart. I've seen substantial raises both in projection and teaching, but its hardly enough to keep a home since most Americans live with debt - and businesses know that. There is too much luxury spending in the developed world under the guise that it builds up the economy. Yet what it actually does is squeeze the middle classes deeper and deeper in debt since credit is cheap. Albeit, prices are coming down over time, but how many people are already on their fourth computer, third DVD player, or even second MP3 player? So long as we as consumers are willing to spend dollars we don't have for crap that is expendable the disparage Leo spoke of will continue unabated.

People in their twenties are the last cohort in the developed world to figure that out - ever!
 
Posted by Chris Hipp (Member # 1788) on 11-25-2006, 12:38 PM:
 
Most people do tend to live above their means. I make a lot less than my brother does, but he is always broke. I manage to make a house payment and all the bills each month plus take vacations (without vacation pay) every few months and still manage to save some in the bank. Most people spend $1.25 for every $1 they make.
 
Posted by Wayne Keyser (Member # 2420) on 11-25-2006, 01:27 PM:
 
One word: roommates.
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-25-2006, 01:49 PM:
 
Jen

I must apologize to you. A few times I gave you a call and asked if you wanted to meet up with Mike Heenan and Floyd Newton and I at the Barrett-Jackson auction and some other car shows. It seemed as though you weren't able to because your parents were giving you grief and really had a lack of trust issue...even though they were invited to join us. I sure do feel sorry for you. We were not sure if your parents were that bad or if you were just "snubbin" us. From you description I guess that your parents were giving you shit!!

If you are unable to move out because of $$ then I suggest that you complete a legal rental contract with your parents. This will probably give you some privacy rights. If they violate those rights...like opening mail that is not theirs, then remind them that that is a FEDERAL offense and that you will be contacting the FBI!

Also, who pays for the car?? If it is yours (title, registration, insurance) then what right do your parents even have in it????

But some memories of my youth...When we first moved to Tucson our house was virtually on the edge of town w/desert behind us. A few neighborhood friends and I had (unkown to our parents) our "clubhouse" hidden in the desert. We never did anything illegal. However one of our buddies folks were heavy into porn. They had sooo much crap that when our buddy riffled it they did not know it was even missing! We had a whole "library" of Penthouse and Hustler...the real raunchy stuff...hidden out there when we were barely in jr. high school! [Big Grin] [Big Grin]

K
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-25-2006, 02:48 PM:
 
I guess my rant is based on how I'm treated at my age. It's nice that they care and all but it's as if this whole situation is getting worse than better for me. I'm grateful for everything that my parents have provided for the family. In a way I'm kind of spoiled but not to the point where they'll pay my way through a University or get me a Lexus or anything fancy like that. We get by well enough to survive this far anyway.

The car I use is technically my parents but my name is on the insurance. So give or take I think when I do leave they would probably let me have the car.

As for taking legal action for whatever... that's gonna be a no no . I can see my parents being VERY insulted for me even talking like that to them. With the guests gone things are not as bad, but they are still on my case for every little thing. Defending myself does no good because they'll throw religion in my face... yada yada... I won't go into details about that.

I can technically get a place now, but I'd rather wait things out alittle longer, at least for a better paying job so I can be for sure that I can make it on my own. I have considered the roommate idea, that would be one of those last resort type of things. I guess having lived with them my whole life I am adjusted to the way things are run in my family. It's those insane moments lately that get me on edge sometimes.
 
Posted by Gordon McLeod (Member # 33) on 11-25-2006, 04:41 PM:
 
The other option is find someone to support you in the style of life you wish to become acustomed to [Smile]
Hint there phil [Smile]
 
Posted by Mike Heenan (Member # 392) on 11-25-2006, 05:41 PM:
 
Even though you probably have the means to move out now, I think it's a good idea to save up a small nest egg, so to say, so that when you're actually out, you're not flat broke after you pay the rent/mortgage. that's what I'm doing now, after being heavily in debt with credit cards (stupid film collecting... lol), I've finally paid them all off and am in the green so I will probably move out next year sometime.
 
Posted by Gordon McLeod (Member # 33) on 11-25-2006, 06:01 PM:
 
All kidding aside living at home as a young adult is a privlege and not a right
If you are paying rent or part of the costs of the household then the balance changes but if you are being supported by your parents then it is there rules of the house that apply
I would have a sit down and talk with them
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-25-2006, 08:48 PM:
 
AMEN GORD! [thumbsup]
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-25-2006, 10:23 PM:
 
Not in my house. Been there, done that... does not work. Paying for rent is not going to change the way they run the family.
 
Posted by Cameron Glendinning (Member # 3516) on 11-25-2006, 10:36 PM:
 
quote: Jennifer Pan
they'll pay my way through a University or get me a Lexus or anything fancy like that.
thankfully not as bad as my last post assumed, Jen when the time is right, moving out is going to be a great adventure, its obviously time. If you can afford not to work weekends I suggest you dont! Life is too short and your only young once. Enjoy your new found freedom.
 
Posted by Wayne Keyser (Member # 2420) on 11-25-2006, 10:49 PM:
 
Can we take it a little easy on Jennifer?

Twenty-odd years of family dynamics can easily override any other considerations. And those dynamics usually make very little sense to those who didn't grow up in that particular family.

Advice from outside is often futile - you can't change a whole system with a simple injection of "good sense" - these people aren't stupid, they know what good sense is, but there's all that history, years of resentments, ways you've learned to deal with your kids (except they aren't kids anymore), etc.

The only way to change a system is to change how you input into a system - and even then, change isn't guaranteed.
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-26-2006, 04:57 PM:
 
Hi Jen

Paying rent in one form or another entitles you to certain rights, unlike if you were living at home for free.

If your family is really that bad, then the solution is to move out.

Why not go to college and earn your B.S. Believe it or not you can survive at ASU w/o having to work part time, as the financial aid packages (grants, subsidized and unsubsidized loans) are enough to live on if you keep to a reasonable budget. Look into ASU, many good degree programs (depending on your interests). U of A and NAU might also be good choices.

Enlisting in the United States Air Force might also be a good option.(I am a veteran) Depending on your chosen field you probably won't end up in Iraq. The USAF has the best standard of living of all the branches of service. You can go in for 4 years and then swap over to the reserves. While you are active duty they will pay for most of your college education...over and above the G.I. bill. The pay is not that bad and neither is the retirement. Plus there is also the VA medical benefits...and the Tucson VA and Phoenix VA are quite good! The downside of the USAF is the bullshit and politics...but if you come to work on time with a proper uniform and keep your mouth shut and just do your job you'll be ok and stay away from the party scene (booze and drugs) and keep your personal business straight then you'll be ok
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-26-2006, 05:56 PM:
 
How about no.
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-26-2006, 06:52 PM:
 
Well Jen

You need to examine your options and take charge of your life. I am sure that there are several options available to help you get out from under your parents thumb.

So the reality choice is: take charge or quit bitchin.

I was on my own since I was 17...but still had my family. At 17 I was away at college. After college, with a bad economy I had the magnificant opportunity to travel and study abroad. When I came back there was still a shitty job economy in my professional field, so I opted for the USAF. After the USAF I opted for a mid-life career change (earned my AAS as a machinist) and am now at ASU-Polytechnic completing my BS in Manufacturing Engineering Technology. The job economy for this profession is excellent and should be making $50k-$60k out of college.

In other words, YOU are in charge of your life. YOU decide to either take control or let others rule YA!

K
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-26-2006, 07:14 PM:
 
Then stop bringing it up, people on here are sounding more like parents and lecturing than relating... Which is what the intent of this thread was for. Hey MODS close this thread, better yet delete it because people are not happy when I "complain".
 
Posted by Brad Miller (Member # 2) on 11-26-2006, 07:44 PM:
 
Just ignore those coots, The Jen. Somewhere between those two extremes lies your answer and sympathy anyway. [Wink]
 
Posted by Will Kutler (Member # 770) on 11-26-2006, 08:13 PM:
 
Jen is acting like she is the only one in the world who has this problem and similar issues.

Believe me when I say that I too had "family issues"!!!! So Jen, all I can say is the old cliche..."been there, done that" Yes, I too had many a family issue and can relate. So, from experience I can definately say that your destiny is in your hands! You can weigh your various options and then take action!

What is an option? What do you ENJOY? Can you make a living at what you enjoy and STILL enjoy it? Is a college degree available in what you enjoy, and will it allow you to make a good career? This is the third suggestion that I have given you on how to get out from under your family's thumb!
 
Posted by Wayne Keyser (Member # 2420) on 11-26-2006, 08:54 PM:
 
So you didn't like "One word: roommates."

How about four words: Cot beside the projector?
 
Posted by Charles Greenlee (Member # 3856) on 11-27-2006, 12:37 PM:
 
It's always "You're not the only one that's had to deal with it", but that doesn't help, the person always feels as if their situation is special. I have found, for the most part, they're right, it is. In my situation at my theatre, I've gottan all kinds of suggestions, some as far out as having some shaman perform some sort of ritual or something. Nobody can fully understand what you experiance. They may have been in a similar situation, with similar parents, but not YOUR situation, and with YOUR parents.

Just treat their advice like a pot pie. Eat the chicken and vegitables, and crust, and just pick out the peas.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-27-2006, 01:32 PM:
 
quote: Will Kutler
Jen is acting like she is the only one in the world who has this problem and similar issues.
I never said that. I was saying you guys are not telling stories about your parents but rather giving me advice that I've already considered a 1,000 times over and over, and I've looked at every possible angle way before I have even started this thread. Since 2 years ago, and yes... so staying with my parents is what I have chosen to do, and I was going to college since last semester.

So ya'll need to chill, feels like a drive by gang bang.
 
Posted by Bill Gabel (Member # 1105) on 11-27-2006, 02:05 PM:
 
Will your parents co-sign for you, if the landlord of said new apartment does not like your credit rating or the amount that you earn?

Because the landlord will want that added security of who's paying if you can't. He's looking at the term of the lease you sign. And how long you have been working at your job(s) and types of jobs.

I have a friend that had a good job and lived in the city (NYC), but she [sex] ed it up. So she moved to Brooklyn and another job. She [sex] ed that one up too. Another job and rented a room of another friend. She [sex] ed that one up too and still owes $1200 to that other friend. She moved in with another friend and was doing ok. The other friend moved out and she had to get a co-signer for the apartment. (her boyfriend) Well he paid half the rent and she still [sex] ed it up. And the landlord sued her and him because of non-payment of rent. Now she is renting a room at a friends house. But she is bitching about she does not like living there. That's all in 4 years that I've known her.

Her credit history is [sex] up.
 
Posted by Leo Enticknap (Member # 534) on 11-27-2006, 02:22 PM:
 
quote: Jennifer Pan
How about no.
Think about it... your parents might think twice about winding you up if they knew that, the following day, you'd be flying over their house in an F-16 with your finger on the 'bombs away' button... [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-27-2006, 03:15 PM:
 
quote: Bill Gabel
Will your parents co-sign for you, if the landlord of said new apartment does not like your credit rating or the amount that you earn?
My parents will, half the time they are saying that I might as well go live on my own. As for the apartment/credit thing... I'll find that out when it happens. And if it doesn't work out I'll get a roommate or yada yada yada... there are plenty of ways in which I am to lazy too type out.

Leo, my parents would kill me first before I ever join anything of that nature.
 
Posted by Rick Raskin (Member # 1561) on 11-27-2006, 03:32 PM:
 
What I've heard is lots of advice but not much of just listening to what Jen has to say. Believe me, what she is going through is not uncommon when young adults grow up and feel the need to make their own way. After all, didn't we have the same issues when we were young. Unfortunately it is difficult in this day and age to just move out without having a plan; which she apparently has. Until she can realize the fruition of that plan she has only two choices as I see it. 1. Put up with the hassle and complain or 2. put up with the hassle and make the best of it. Either way she has to put up with the hassle for the short term. Parents sometimes can't easily cope with the fact that their children are now adults with needs, desires and responsibilities all their own. It is tough from both sides. That's my two cents worth -- now feel free to lash out.
 
Posted by Mark Gulbrandsen (Member # 72) on 11-27-2006, 06:06 PM:
 
Jen, Just open the door and leave! Thats what I did when I was 18.

Mark
 
Posted by Gordon McLeod (Member # 33) on 11-27-2006, 09:00 PM:
 
When I waas growing up I had two choices live with the house rules or surive and make it ones own
In some ways that is part of the pushing out of the nest
 
Posted by Phil Hill (Member # 371) on 11-28-2006, 07:33 PM:
 
JFC, The JEN! It's a rare day that I agree with our Grand-Poopie-BAH about ANYTHING! BUT, this time, I do! The solution to your dilemma lies somewhere between the 2 EXTREMES that people post!

BTW: NO matter WHAT Gordie sez, I ***ONLY*** financially support young GUYS! HA! [Wink]

(I hope that doesn't affect our long-time friendship!) [Razz]
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-28-2006, 09:51 PM:
 
Hehe... my parents are awesome cuz they drive by my work everyday to make sure I'm there! [thumbsup] Seriously, they do. My parents loves me more than any of ya'lls parents could ever love you!
 
Posted by Charles Greenlee (Member # 3856) on 11-28-2006, 10:13 PM:
 
And that is their flaw, a flaw which I will exploit to control the worlds governments. I will start upheval in all the world's leading nations, then unify them under one grand gov't controlled by moi. That is the plan to take over the world. Now, I just need a 1982 Delorean, a crazy white haired old man, a case of stolen plutonium, and some used pinbal machine parts to fool some Libyans. [Big Grin]
 
Posted by Pravin Ratnam (Member # 1417) on 11-28-2006, 10:35 PM:
 
Man, I had Asian American and Indian American friends share parent stories with me. But your parents get the prize. How did they ever let you go to Colorado without a chaperone?

As I said before, parents seem to have more control issues than true love when they go to the extent of removing any shred of privacy of their kids, no matter how old they are.

I got a Chinese American friend whose parents were lenient with him, but would have their eyes bug out whenever their daughter would date, especially if it's a white guy, because Indian/Chinese girls just give it up more easily with a white guy, in their minds.

One of my aunts actually thinks her 30 something daughters are still virgins because they are still single.
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-28-2006, 10:43 PM:
 
Buying the tickets with my own money way ahead of time. Before they could do anything about it. Of course they called like everyday I was up there checking up on me. I love my parents!
 
Posted by Randy Stankey (Member # 64) on 11-28-2006, 10:47 PM:
 
I was just about to ask Jen if she thought this is a case of Asian parents "protecting" their daughter.

When I was in college, I was friends with a Korean girl. We used to go to church on Sunday together. One day, she wanted to pay me back for all the car rides to church so she offered to take me out to an authentic Korean restaurant. (Who am *I* to turn down FOOD!? [Wink] )

But, first, I had to meet her parents. I don't know HOW many times I had to explain that it was just a platonic relationship and that we were only going out to dinner socially! I swear! You'd think it was an interrogation!

If YOUR parents are even HALF as bad (or is that GOOD [Wink] ) as this girl's parents, I feel your pain! [Embarrassed]

(Incidentally, her name was also Jennifer. But she didn't look anything like you... and she's about 20 years older.)
 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 11-28-2006, 11:40 PM:
 
My parents are so Asian I feel white all the time! [Cool]
 
Posted by Charles Greenlee (Member # 3856) on 11-29-2006, 04:05 AM:
 
Me too. Wait a minute, I am white. When did this happen? Dammit, now I can't claim minority status. Just when my day was going to end well.
 
Posted by System Notices (Member # 2357) on 03-01-2017, 01:37 AM:
 

It has been 3744 days since the last post.


 
Posted by Jennifer Pan (Member # 2035) on 03-01-2017, 01:37 AM:
 
Update: I have since moved out! Since 2009.

It's interesting reading back. It's been great being away from them. But as of the last year and a half I've cut out most contact with them except by e-mail. I was calling them every week for 6 years but they wanted me to move back so that was my draw the line in the sand moment.

I understand the whole, "they won't be around forever". But I also know that keeping them at a distance allows me to not want to kill myself as much.

When you spend most of your life being put down, feeling sorry for yourself is second nature. I've learned that what was holding me back in life was their rules and constant disapproval of everything I did. I was never good enough, at anything.

Negativity only made me close off from what the world had to offer. Toxic environments are a breeding ground for like minded negative Nancies.

Surround yourself with people who don't hold you back. Gravitate towards people who push you forward. People who believe in your strengths, passions, and capabilities, when others say you will fail.

Getting out was the best thing, the hustle to make something out of myself is a constant grind.
 




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