my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » British Isle's England, Scotland (Page 2)

This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4

Author Topic: British Isle's England, Scotland Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2004 01:14 PM                        Rated G Sex and the Scottish man. THE PREPARATION Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity fuck ya bam". FOREPLAY Foreplay is very important indeed.This basically consists of the male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife,usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go,here we go".Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8 incher.This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision. INITIAL PROBLEMS After 12 pints,sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally).Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya useless bas*ard" or possibly "It never happens to the Milkman".Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman.He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation,"How'd ya like to put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler."On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me". Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife.A breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed but tender rebuke,"Bas*ard, you could have told me it was your bad week. DOWN TO BUSINESS Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck,I've shot ma load." If this does occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as,perhaps,informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover,the Scotsman,possibly having read the woman likes to be spoken dirty to,says such things as "shite, arsehole".The woman is speechless.The man is now thrusting away,his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man". Eventually its all over.The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences snoring like a pig.There's no one in the world performs quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 02-10-2004 05:39 PM                        quote: York Excluding Sundays, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow. Oh bugger! I only have a Kalashnikov AK-47...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2004 12:19 PM                        Rated G Scotsman,planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee."Hoot mon," he said,"in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20." "That might be true," said the travel agent,"but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked." "Well,at $50/hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,"it's no wonder He walked."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:29 AM                        Rated G SHEFFIELD, England - Colin Sadd is most likely one of the nicest car thieves around, but he is headed to the slammer again. Sadd was sentenced to six years in prison after admitting to stealing five cars and claiming responsibility for 31 other thefts. Sadd's tricks include dressing up in a suit and going to a car dealer for a test drive. The car isn't returned, but is abandoned after being spotlessly cleaned. "He looked after the cars he stole better than me," said his wife, Mary. "He only takes brand new vehicles, drives them around for a couple of hours, then he cleans them inside and out. He will even buy a tin of polish to give them an extra sparkle and sometimes takes them to a car wash to get them extra clean." Psychiatrists have diagnosed Sadd with a compulsive disorder, and he was described by a judge in a previous case as "the man you would most want to steal your car."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 03:52 AM                        Rated G An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" "For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-14-2004 02:09 PM                        Rated G A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply. "Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper",replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. "What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist. "Och that's still a bit much, how aboot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist. "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday?"  |  IP: Logged David Buckley Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 525 From: Oxford, N. Canterbury, New Zealand Registered: Aug 2004 posted 08-14-2004 05:28 PM                        This joke has yet to be assigned a rating. A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a scotsman was wearing, wondering what he would be wearing underneath. So finally, she asks him "What's underneath you' kilt?" "Why don't you take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcoming her, she lifted the kilt then let it go, exclaiming "Oh, it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just grew some more."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2004 09:43 AM                        Rated G British public toilets have a large gap between the door and the floor. In one of them, I spotted the following graffiti: Beware of the Irish limbo dancer!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2005 03:46 PM                        Rated PG Bruce An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown. "I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it." Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass." "Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2005 10:31 AM                        Rated G ENGLAND - If you just so happen to catch yourself a painful case of hemorrhoids, one way not recommended by physicians to relieve the itching is by sticking a toothbrush up there. A 69-year-old man thought that shoving the bristly appendage up his rectum would soothe his pain. Unfortunately, what resulted was a trip to the hospital and a procedure involving biopsy forceps after x-rays revealed that the toothbrush had become stuck in the man's pelvis. So remember: Brushing regularly will prevent cavities, but brushing anal cavities will cause irregularities.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2005 02:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine On a recent vacation to England, my family spent a day visiting the botanical gardens in Ventnor on the Isle of Wight. We decided to have lunch in the tea garden on the grounds, and I lined up inside the self-serve snack bar. There was an open kitchen, staffed with ladies from the local horticultural society who were busy making salads and sandwiches, washing dishes and cleaning up. A sign over the sink caught my eye: "Will ladies please rinse out teapots, then stand upside down in the sink. On no account must hot bottoms be placed on the work tops."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 09:58 AM                        Rated G After the Oxford-Cambridge boat race the mother of one of the losing crew was consoling her son. "Never mind dear," she told him," you were wonderful, you rowed faster than anyone else in your boat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2005 10:02 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A Welshman was telling an Englishman an Irishman joke, "It's about a letter written by an Irishman said as a P.S. "If you can't read this letter take it to the Parish Priest's house and he will read it for you." After a few minutes the Englishman burst into laughter saying,"of course I get the joke now! What if the Parish Priest were out?!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 04-26-2005 04:45 PM                        Rated G Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite Corgi, killing it instantly! He got out of his Rover and sat down, totally distraught. The whole world was against him...and now mother would go ballistic. Noticing a lamp half-buried in the ground, he dug it up, polished it and a genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well," said the Prince," You showed up just in time..let me show you this dog." They walked over to what was left of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked. The genie carefully studied what was left of the Corgi and shook his head. "This body is probably too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo, "but now I love this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?" The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let's have another look at that dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-27-2005 10:18 AM                        Rated G When the Scotsman inquired as to the cheapest way to sail the Atlantic the travel agent decided to humor him a bit. You can go first class for $2,000, second class for $1,500, third class for $750. And you can swim alongside the boat for $30.98 plus tax. Now which will it be?" "What kind of food do they throw overboard?" asked the Scot.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 4 pages: 1  2  3  4

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.