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Author Topic: British Isle's England, Scotland Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2005 12:30 PM                        Rated G History repeats itself: Year 1981 1. Prince Charles got married 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe 3. Pope Died. Year 2005 1. Prince Charles got married (again) 2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe (again) 3. Pope Died. In the future, if Prince Charles decides to re-marry or Liverpool needs another European crown ... please warn the Pope!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2005 09:46 PM                        Rated X February 08, 2005 The Balls of Rhymney Just when Welsh jokes were as played out as the Big Pit at Blaenavon, comes this tale of regional pride gone horribly, horribly wrong: A Welsh rugby fan cut off his own testicles to celebrate Wales beating England at rugby, the Daily Mirror reported Tuesday. Geoff Huish, 26, was so convinced England would win Saturday's match he told fellow drinkers at a social club, "If Wales win I'll cut my balls off," the paper said. Friends at the club in Caerphilly, south Wales, thought he was joking. But after the game Huish went home, severed his testicles with a knife, and walked 200 yards back to the bar with the testicles to show the shocked drinkers what he had done. Huish was taken to hospital where he remained in serious condition, the paper said. Wales's 11-9 victory over England at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff was their first home win over England in 12 years. The really strange--and yet somehow perfectly understandable--part of it all, of course, is that this came after Wales won. Ouch!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-07-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-17-2005 03:07 PM                        Rated G Tourist to Taxi driver: "How much is it to the Airport?" Taxi driver: "That's five pounds twenty." Tourist: "And how much is it for the luggage?" Taxi driver: "The luggage, of course, is free." Tourist: "All right, just take that stuff along. I'm walking."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2005 09:41 AM                        Rated G British Customs have seized the workings of the Channel Tunnel--they claim it's a long-range cannon aimed at London. ~~ Attributed to Rory Bremner, a British Comic  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 10:52 AM                        Rated G A Brit and a Scot were standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked up. "You know what," said the Irishman, "I just went into that pub over there, ordered a pint, played some darts and when I walked out of the pub the barman said to me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint, the barman did nothing to me, so I got a free drink!" The Brit like the ideal so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the Irishman did. The Brit came out and told the Irishman and the Scot that the barman gave him no trouble either. So the Scot decides to try this. He walks into the bar and orders a pint. As he continues to talk to the barman, the barman mentioned the two blokes who walked out without paying. \The Scot asked the barman why he did nothing. The barman said, "We'll I'm not looking for trouble," The Scot replied, "Well it's getting late, if you give me my change, I'll be heading home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-24-2005 04:37 PM                        Rated G Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lives, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, so the Laird asked, "Alan, did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?" Then Alan said, "Aye, Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" Alan explained, "I was wearing 'em the first day, Sir, and a bonnie laddie offered to buy me a whiskey, but I didna hear him! Never, again, Sir,...never, never again!" [ 10-30-2005, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 05:08 PM                        Rated G Three tourists climbed up the tower to the top of London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground. The first tourist threw his watch but heard it crash before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter. The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch. " How did you do that?" asked one of his friends. "My watch is 30 minutes slow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2006 09:33 AM                        Rated G Brian One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "what it means to be British?" Some of the emails are hilarious but this is one from a chap in Switzerland. "Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? "Suspicion of anything foreign."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 12:02 PM                        Rated G I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. Winston Churchill  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2007 02:51 PM                        Rated G A Scots Pessimist A Scots pessimist is a man who feels badly when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2007 10:54 AM                        Rated G LarryNewParts British Military A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots searchout a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2007 07:01 PM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction. "$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied. "$85!!! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?" "That's the normal charge," said the dentist. "Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?" "That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off." "Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?" "I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40" "How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?" It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic." "Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-29-2007 01:20 PM                        Rated PG Tony in Lyme, CT WELSH FARMER A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out of a Pond. The Welsh farmer shouted: 'Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi Cachu un a for.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water. The cows have shit in it.') The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in English.' The Welsh farmer says: 'Use two hands, it holds more'!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2007 11:09 PM                        Rated G Sandy in Coronado, CA Voted Best Scottish Short Joke!! A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?" To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"  |  IP: Logged

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