A woman was walking on the beach right after a horrible, divorce, feeling really depressed about the fact that she has nobody, and no job and has to live off alimony, and she kicks this bottle.

Out comes a Genie, and he says "I see you are a divorcee, a I hate divorcees! I have been paying me ex alimony for the past 10,000,000 years!!!, however, you did free me, and I will give you a wish, 1 wish, and your ex will get five times as much."

She starts thinking what she can ask for that will be good for her and bad for her ex, first she wants to ask for a million dollars, but then realizes that her ex will get ten million. then she was going to be the most beautiful person in the world, but then realizes that her ex will look even better.

Make a wish...

One day, as a guy named Joe was walking around, he saw another guy with this HUGE plug up his ass... so Joe went up to him and asked why his ass was plugged up.

The guy said, "Well, I found one of those lamps with one of those genies in it, but this genie was kinda lazy, and he admitted so and said that he would only grant me one wish because he was lazy.

A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.

So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk.

Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands.

He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl....so he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts killing himself laughing.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

Bob found a magic lamp and naturally, rubbed it.

The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

Bob thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.

She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

Two Arabs are in a locker room taking a shower after their racquetball game when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.

"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

"I cannot," lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my butt." "I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came oozing out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

The Cowboy's Wish

There was a cowboy riding down a trail on his horse and he came upon a rattlesnake. The cowboy reached for his gun and was about to shoot him when the rattlesnake said, "Don't shoot me. I am an enchanted rattle snake. If you don't shoot me I will give you three wishes."

The cowboy said, "Okay, I would like to have a face just like Clark Gable. I would like to have a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. And I would like to have sexual equipment like this here horse I'm ridin'."

The rattle snake said, "Alright. When you get back to the bunkhouse and look in the mirror, it will happen."

The cowboy got on his horse and rode back to the bunkhouse.

He looked in the mirrior and saw a face just like Clark Gable staring at him.

He ripped of his shirt and had rippiling muscles.

I couldn't resist passing this joke on.THE GOLDEN SCREW:

Years and years ago, this young lad was born with a golden screw in his navel.

When he went swimming with his friends, they all made fun of him.

One day while walking in the Enchanted Forest, his Fairy Godmother appeared and promised to grant him one wish.

Without hesitation, he said, "I wish I was rid of this golden screw in my navel!"

His fairy Godmother said, "Very well, take this bag of magic sand and sprinkle it in your eyes. You will fall sound asleep, and when you wake up, your wish will be granted."

The little boy quickly sat down next to a large tree, sprinkled the sand in his eyes and fell promptly asleep. A little while later, he awoke and looked down and saw that the screw was no longer there.

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it
vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job. A job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

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