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Author Topic: Genie Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 12:42 PM                        Rated G This guy was walking along the beach when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy 3 wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, " says the guy. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish." "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl-- nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy found a reason not to wish for anything that came to his mind. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later." "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 08:29 AM                        Rated G A man was walking along the beach and found an old Genie lamp. He immediately started rubbing it. Sure enough a genie pops out and before the startled man can say anything the Genie turns him into a crab. Another man saw what happened and he asked the Genie why he turned the man into a crab before he could say anything? The Genie said, Aww he just rubbed me the wrong way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-03-2006 09:56 AM                        Rated PG Frank Three men were walking along the beach when they found this old Genie lamp. So they immediately began to rub it. Sure enough out pops this Genie. The Genie tells them that he can only grant three wishes and since there is three of them, they get one wish apiece. The first man thinks for a few minutes and says, Ok, I want two more inches. The Genie says, and so it shall be and the first man has two more inches. The second man says hey that's great, I want the same. So the Genie again says and so it shall be and the second man has two more inches. The Genie then looks at the third and last man and says, I guess you want two more inches two? The third man says oh no, I don't want two more inches. The Genie asks him why? and the third man says because then it would be a "foot".  |  IP: Logged System Notices Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi Posts: 215 Registered: Apr 2004 posted 05-20-2007 09:26 AM                 It has been 442 days since the last post.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-20-2007 09:26 AM                        Rated G A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?" The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. "The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke." "Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95" The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week. The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?" "Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?" "I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2008 08:51 AM                        Rated G An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly,he saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie BUT this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Hasidic Rabbi, complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies. "Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes." "I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a Jewish genie!" "Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a goner anyvay!" The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and drink." ** * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * * The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old coins and precious gems. "Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good vone!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me!" * * * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * He was turned into a tampon. THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a string attached.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2008 07:03 AM                        Rated XXX The Female Genie While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, 'Master, may I grant you one wish?' Osama responded, 'You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything.' The shocked Genie said, 'Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever.' Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, 'Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.' The annoyed Genie said, 'So be it!' and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance! God is Good!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2008 07:49 AM                        Rated G Mad Genie A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1." The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.  |  IP: Logged

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