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Author Topic: United States Navy Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 09:06 AM                        Rated G Michele A sailor on leave was paying his bill at a fashionable hotel. Looking at the girl cashier who was taking his money, he asked what she had around her neck. "A necklace of course. Why did you ask?" "Well," said the sailor, "everything is so high around here I thought it might be your garter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2003 08:57 AM                        Rated G "Skipper," the sailor said to his captain as he saluted,"A special message just came in for you from the admiral.I have it right here." "Read it to me," the captain ordered. The sailor began reading nervously,"You are without a doubt the most idiotic,lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy." The skipper responded, "Have that communication decoded at once!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-02-2004 11:51 AM                        Rated G Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL.Case in point:My grandson's pre-K class on Career Day.I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military.After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions. "So," asked one little girl, "can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2004 09:11 AM                        Rated G I was scrubbing the bulkhead on the USS Kitty Hawk one Sunday morning when the loud-speaker announced: "Religious services. Maintain silence about the decks. Dis- continue all unnecessary work." An hour later, the opinion many of us held regarding our daily routine, was confirmed with this announcement: "Resume all unnecessary work."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2005 09:55 AM                        Rated PG Michele A sailor about to arrive in his homeport sends the following telegram to his wife - In today, home tonight. Lots of love, Rodney. His delighted wife received the following mangled telegram – Home today, in tonight. Lots of rod, Lovely.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2005 01:22 PM                        Rated G In about 1972 while stationed aboard USS Midway (CVA 41),I was a PO1,working in the PLAT shop in V2 Division.We televised taped all launches and landings of aircraft. The skipper had a small (8") monitor next to his chair on the bridge. For some reason, this monitor often broke down, and one day I was on the bridge changing out monitors. When I entered the bridge, the skipper was not there, and I got permission from the OOD to do the job. The OOD mentioned that he was seeing me on the bridge a lot lately. I responded that "If the skipper would use his footrest instead of my PLAT monitor, I wouldn't be there so often." He turned mute and white, and I looked over my shoulder to see the skipper standing behind me. I finished my job quickly and lit out of there like a "snipe" on liberty. Ten years later,I was the Command Senior Chief of FASOTRAGRUPAC, Barbers Point Hawaii. Admiral (4 star) Harris paid a visit to the command. His aide told him that I had served with him on Midway. He responded, "I remember him. He's the one who told me to keep my damned feet off his equipment." I don't remember it the same way he did, but it just goes to prove that working aboard an Aircraft Carrier can be dangerous, even when you are not conducting Air Ops.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 11:48 AM                        Rated G Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you're a Navy SEAL. Case in point: My grandson's Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask questions. One little girl asked, "Can you balance a ball on the end of your nose?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-26-2005 04:10 PM                        Rated G Navy News Bulletin 1. A petty officer was treated at Sick Bay after complaining of shortness of breath after working in an enclosed workspace with several other personnel. The dining facility had served a mexican meal for lunch, causing suspected high methane and sulfite levels in the atmosphere from the crew's flatulence. 2. Many Navy personnel work in facilities and on ships where flatulence may exist, and due to mission urgency are not able to immediately vacate the space should the air become foul. This mishap serves as a strong reminder that the expression of flatulence can be extremely dangerous in these areas, unless they are specifically listed as intrinsically safe. The Navy has developed the following safe work practice to address this problem: Effective immediately, the practice of expelling flatulence, commonly referred to as "farting," "breaking wind," or "passing gas," is prohibited indoors aboard all naval ships, boats, vehicles, aircraft, and shore installations. 3. This regulation applies not only to audible flatulence, or incidents that are claimed by their perpetrator, but also to covert events such as "deadly whispers," "cheek sneakers," "air dustings." 4. Unauthorized expulsion of flatulence is to be punished under the UCMJ. "He who smelt it, dealt it" is considered sufficient basis for prosecution. "I didn't know it was going to stink" or "I ate at the galley" is not to be accepted as an excuse for failure to control oneself. 5. Commands are instructed to ensure known gas producing foods are avoided at the dining facilities. Mexican the med meals, navy or baked beans, chili, cabbage, and egg salad are no longer authorized menu items. 6. The lighting of flatulence with any type of open flame is still prohibited.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-30-2005 01:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. A hospital corpsman and I were helping an elderly retired chief petty officer out of his wheelchair when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design. "It's a banjo," he replied, a little sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-15-2005 01:41 PM                        Rated G Navy Way A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after he had completed boot camp, he was invited to be in a friend's wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday. "You don't understand, sir," my friend said. "I'm in the wedding." The officer replied, "No, YOU don't understand. You're in the Navy."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-28-2005 05:07 AM                        Rated G ANY MORE QUESTIONS??? A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks, but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked: "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied: Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2005 11:06 AM                        Rated G A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 10:43 AM                        Rated G A sailor, while bringing flowers to a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave. The sailor walked up to the man and asked, "When do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?" The old Chinese man replied with a smile, "Same time your friend comes up to smell the flowers."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 01:59 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Marines & Navy .. An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly,"and fought in three of my country's wars.Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand,and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Macarthur. We pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border,always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day,plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night.In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty,then we charge the enemy with bayonets". "Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand."Lucky bastard,all shore duty,huh?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2005 03:33 PM                        Rated G The following is a quote from a director of sports infor- mation in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals: "We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."  |  IP: Logged

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