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Author Topic: United States Navy Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2005 02:52 PM                        Rated PG Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they're airborne and the plane has leveled off,the man in the window seat abruptly says,distinctly and confidently,in a loud voice, "Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married,two sons, both surgeons." After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile,"Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons,both judges." After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, "Master Chief, United States Navy, retired. Never married, two sons -- both Admirals.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2005 01:01 PM                        Rated G Chris The following is a quote from a director of sports infor- mation in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals: "We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2006 04:44 PM                        Rated G Navy News Bulletin 1. A petty officer was treated at Sick Bay after complaining of shortness of breath after working in an enclosed workspace with several other personnel. The dining facility had served a mexican meal for lunch, causing suspected high methane and sulfite levels in the atmosphere from the crew's flatulence. 2. Many Navy personnel work in facilities and on ships where flatulence may exist, and due to mission urgency are not able to immediately vacate the space should the air become foul. This mishap serves as a strong reminder that the expression of flatulence can be extremely dangerous in these areas, unless they are specifically listed as intrinsically safe. The Navy has developed the following safe work practice to address this problem: Effective immediately, the practice of expelling flatulence, commonly referred to as "farting," "breaking wind," or "passing gas," is prohibited indoors aboard all naval ships, boats, vehicles, aircraft, and shore installations. 3. This regulation applies not only to audible flatulence, or incidents that are claimed by their perpetrator, but also to covert events such as "deadly whispers," "cheek sneakers," "air dustings." 4. Unauthorized expulsion of flatulence is to be punished under the UCMJ. "He who smelt it, dealt it" is considered sufficient basis for prosecution. "I didn't know it was going to stink" or "I ate at the galley" is not to be accepted as an excuse for failure to control oneself. 5. Commands are instructed to ensure known gas producing foods are avoided at the dining facilities. Mexican the med meals, navy or baked beans, chili, cabbage, and egg salad are no longer authorized menu items. 6. The lighting of flatulence with any type of open flame is still prohibited.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 08:17 AM                        Rated G B.B. The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much grief the cooks (Mess Specialists) caught from the crew and how they gave back as much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided to talk to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the meals to the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a willingness to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After his pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and watched the food being served. A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything he saw so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert section. He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake. The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat?" he asked. The sailor said, "Yeah, the rest of it don't look too appetizing." The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?" The Chaplain smiled and nudged the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I told you my talk did them some good." The kid said, "Yeah, man, I'd appreciate it." The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on the tray in half.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-28-2006 08:10 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Question: What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor? Answer: A salt with a dead weapon.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2007 02:17 PM                        Rated G B.B. A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee. "What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design. "It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."  |  IP: Logged

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