Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy should be.He had been hearing a lot about courting from other boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least his version).

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her, and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse.

She started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt, when he did this she began to moan and sigh.

Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was lying down.

I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel.

I don't know what it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide.

He held it in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on it.

He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.

The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it was slipping out and stuck it back in.

Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving.

First they let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her boyfriend got up and the thing was dead.

It just hung there limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping.

Sis and her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't come back to life again, so the battle started again.

Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw.

This time they really killed the eel.

The driver jumped out of the car and ran to see. He began to swear and scream and look generally very upset.

"Really, sir! It's not that serious," the policeman said, sympathetically.

"Oh, yes it is!" said the driver. "Where the fuck's my caravan?!!!"

In the garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's.

As the story goes on,
Never the less to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare.
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing
Started to rise.

They found a spot
That suited them best.
A nice big tree
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam's thing
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide.
And Eve's treasure
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose.
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then down through the years,
People did screw.
And now it is time,
For me and you.

"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue" she replied nonchalantly. "The Smith's bought one for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us, too."

No more was said about the "statue." Not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband
got out of bed, went into the kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here" he said to the 'statue' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a
glass of water."

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor
patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for
a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her.

Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

A. Anyone can mash potatoes.

**********************************

Q. What do a walrus and tupperware have in common?

A. They both work well with tight seals.

**********************************

Q. Why are there no ice cubes in Poland?

A. The old lady who had the receipe died.

**************************************

Q. What was the snowman waiting for?

A. The snow blower.

*****************************************

A man is standing up in front of the judge, asking for a divorce. The judge says to him, "All right, sir, please tell me why you want a divorce?"

"Because,"says the man, "I live in a two story house."

" You live in a two story house?" says the judge. "What kind of a reason is that for a divorce?"

"What are you doing?" Asked the mother.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" He asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The wife goes inside to take a shower.

The husband was still outside and wanted to rake up the leaves on his front lawn, but he couldn't find the damn rake.

He yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "

Where's the rake?" Unfortunately she can't hear him. So he decides to point to his eye (meaning I), points to his knee (meaning need), and then makes raking motions.

She has no idea what he means and yells,"What?"

So he goes through the whole routine again.

She nods, this time, like she understands what he's trying to say and, then, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her ass, and points to her crotch.

Her husband is totally confused (and somewhat aroused), so he goes into the house, runs up the stairs, and leans his head around the corner.

"What did you say?" he asks.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" He asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the driveway and got ready to receive you." She replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."

She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths." The lover replied.

The husband yelled, "But you've got no clothes on!!!"

1) Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some jerk stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie,
or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

2) Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

3) Here I sit Broken hearted
Tried to shit But only farted

4) You're lucky,
You had your chance,
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

5) I came here To sit and think.
But all I do Is shit and stink,

6) Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

7) (written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department wants you.

8) (written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here,
the joke's in your hand.

9) Sign posted in a bathroom:
We aim to please!
You Please! aim too!

10) Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw
cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

11) Bob Maar's personal favorite.
For you Canadian's out there. This was written on the men's room wall. In the Pavilion at Musselman's Lake, Ontario (1948)

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself".

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

Before he left in the morning, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment
"RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1) it had never been occupied;
(2) that there was plenty of heat;
(3) that it was small enough to make mefeel cozy and at home

Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

--------------------------------------------------------

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in the class the first half ot the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Hers are the children's responses.

Better to be safe than....punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the...............bug is close.

It is always darkest before........daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of....termites.

You can lead a horse to water but......how?

Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty.

No news is......................impossible.

A miss is as good as a.................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog.............math.

If you lie down with dogs, you..........will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust.......................me.

The pen is mighter than...........the pigs.

An idle mind is...................the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's......pollution.

Happy is the bride who.................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is...................not much.

Two is company, three's.....................The musketeers.

None are so blind as...........Helen Keller.

Children should be seen not.......spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed...........get new batteries.

When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.

There is no fool like...........Aunt Edie.

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you, cry and......you have to blow your nose.

Get out of something what you........see pictured in the box.

A gay waiter approaches and asks: "What's the name of your penis?"

The customers says: "Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I want is a cold beer."

The gay waiter says: "I'm sorry but house rules dictate that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."

The customer says to the gay waiter: "All right....I will but first tell me the name of your penis."

The gay waiter says: "NIKE...you know, 'JUST DO IT!"

The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my penis is 'SECRET'.

The waiter is puzzled and asks: "SECRET? What does that mean?" The customer says: You know, SECRET.....STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!"