One day, a man is just about to go out for a jog. On his way out the door, his wife says

" Honey, can you pick up some milk on your way back?"

"Sure" the man replies.

As the man is jogging, another jogger is jogging on the same path and running toward him. They bump into each other and it seems like nothing has happened.

Then the man puts his hand in his pocket and he realizes that his wallet has just been jacked by that other jogger.

The man catches up with the other jogger and beats the hell out of him and takes his wallet back.

The man heads home to tell his wife what happened. He walks in the door and says" Honey, sorry I didn't get the milk but I had to come back to tell you something"

Dumb laws in Texas

State laws:

When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone. (No, I don't know how that is possible.)

It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.

Law prohibits driving without windshield wipers. You don't need the windshields, but you need the wipers.

It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.

You can't legally milk someone else's cow.

The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.

City laws:

In a certain town, you must first get a $5 permit before going barefoot.

It is illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of Abilene for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

In Beaumont, college football is banned at Lamar University.

Dallas bans the possession of "realistic dildos".

In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts.

In San Antonio, it is illegal to piss on the Alamo. (Law passed after Ozzy Osbourne did it.)

Apparently its completely true. This bloke and his family were on holiday in the States and went to Mexico for a week. As he is an avid cactus fan he bought a rare and expensive cactus there, it was about a metre high and cost about $500 . He got it home and the customs people were none too impressed so they said it must stay in quarantine for 3 months, cost - $800 or so.

He finally got his cactus home and planted it in his backyard where over time it grew to about 2 metres or so in height. One evening after a beautiful warm spring day he was out watering his garden and thought he might give the cactus a light spray. This he did and was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another light spray and it shivered and shook again. All its arms moved. He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens. After a few transfers he got the states foremost cactus expert who asked him many pointed questions, how tall is it, how tall was it when you got it, has it grown well, has it flowered, what type of spines etc etc.

Finally he asked a most disturbing question, "Is your family in the house?".

The guy answered yes, the cactus expert said get them out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me, I will be there in 15 minutes.

Ten minutes later, 2 fire trucks, two cop cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner at the end of the street and stopped out the front of the house. A fireman got out and came up to him, " are you the guy with the cactus?". I am he said. The fireman turns to the truck and says 'come on Dave'. A guy jumps out of the fire truck wearing what looks like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached and what looks like a scuba backpack on with a large hose attached. Stay here, says the first fireman, and they both headed for the backyard.

This was too much for the bloke so he ran around after them and found the guy in the space suit was torching his prize cactus with a flame-thrower, he sprayed it up and down with this huge flame which fried everything within a ten metre radius of the cactus, caught fire to the back fence and set off the neighbors trees as well.

The guy of course was having kittens, what the $%^& is going on etc.etc., after about ten minutes the flame thrower man stopped, his cactus stood there smoking and spitting, half the fence was gone, his garden was entirely rooted.

Just then the cactus expert appears and laid a calming hand on the guys shoulder. "What the hell is going on?" says the bloke, 'let me show you says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away at a crusty bit of it, it was almost entirely hollow and filled with these tiger striped bird eating tarantula spiders, about the size of two hands spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as it and they grow to full size.

When they are all grown to full size they release themselves, the cactus just explodes and about 150 of these plate size tiger striped hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere of course. They had been just ready to pop!

Can you imagine?

A young woman made the following report to the police.

She had met a blind man at a rally. She claims that they hit it off pretty well and the blind man asked her for a favor, could she possibly deliver the letter to the address on the envelope?'As it was on her way home, she agreed. She started out to deliver the letter, but then turned around to ask the man a question. To her dismay, she spotted him hurrying through the crowd in the opposite direction - without his dark glasses or white cane.

Sensing something seriously dodgy, she went straight to the police, who raided the address on the envelope, where they found heaps of human flesh for sale.

On a Sunday evening, a young woman was driving herself to a meeting she had up north the next day when she noticed that she was running low on gas and didn't know where the next gas station was. Just as she thought she would have to pull over and sleep the night of the side of the road, she came across a rather dodgy-looking petrol station.

When she pulled in, the attendant made his way around the car and seemed to be very distracted when she asked him to fill it up, She even thought that the man was making faces at her! He finally agreed to get the gas, but then asked her to pop open the hood of the car because there "seemed to be a problem."

Naturally, the woman became a little anxious - she was all alone in a remote gas station, out in the middle of nowhere and it was obvious that the attendant was trying to find reasons to keep her there. He asked her to come look at the engine, because he had to "show her something".'He grabbed her hand and she began to bite his fingers, but once they were inside he let her go. He explained to her that there was a man crouched down in the backseat of her car and the attendant didn't want him to know that he'd been seen.

The girl had been out at the local bar for a few hours when she remembered she had forgotton something.'By this time, pretty plastered, she stumbled back to the apartment and quietly let herself in. Not wanting to wake her roommate, she didn't turn the light on, picked up whatever it was she went back for and returned to the bar.

A woman goes into a grocery store for some milk and peanut butter.

About an hour later she comes out to find a man trying to break into her car. She shoots him , gets into the car and to her absolute horror........ IT WASN'T HER CAR!

So she's walking around trying to find her car when a security guard stops her and asks her if he can assist her in anyway possible.

She says she's lost her car and he tells her to be careful because there's a woman walking around with a gun shooting people while they are getting into their cars.

When Reality Is Better then Fiction

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years'.

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted aclaim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally some what taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon.Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. A Malaysian monkey that had been trained to gather coconuts from trees demonstrated a pressing need for a refresher course when it leapt onto the shoulders of a passerby in Kuala Lumpurand tried to twist his head off. The passerby was treated at a local hospital for a sprained neck.

7. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol

8. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead. (I am not saying this is right... but I understand...It'sa Chicago thang'...)

9. One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in 1979 was taste in clothing.

10. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his imcompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

11. In Minneapolis, USA, 28 year old Derrick L Richardson has been charged with third-degree murder of his much loved cousin, Ken E Richardson. According to local police, Derrick had suggested to Ken that they play a game of Russian Roulette, but,having no revolver, instead put a semiautomatic pistol to his cousin's head. Apparently, he did not realize that one bullet always loads into the firing chamber of a semiautomatic.

12. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from havinga last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for theirhealth. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

13. An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an on coming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

14. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

15. Following the initiatives of the Afghan Taliban government, which has banned kite-flying, TV watching and wearing whitesocks, Iran is also cracking down on its more decadent citizens.Ayatollah Mohammed Yadzi has decreed that dog walking is to be made illegal, saying that taking dogs out onto the streets was 'a public insult,' as it was a blind imitation of Westerners.

16. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter'sswollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say"Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged an screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am.I t's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant."

More Weird Facts:

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

More moron madness clipped from newspapers:

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package.

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines.

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension underhis elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs!

Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump higher."

And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop.

Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that
destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system.