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» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Weird Things (Page 3)

 
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Author Topic: Weird Things
Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 06-21-2002 01:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the moneyin the cash drawer.

Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 09-05-2002 08:50 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny, Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be, "Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God".

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,

Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding reeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.

"When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those b........ myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life.And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. "I know it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them", the oldster recalled. "So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in."

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison. Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-28-2002 06:58 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R


Today's New York Post reports:

Michael Bessigano is a pervert with a lot of pluck -prosecutors say the Indiana man stole a chicken from a farm in Valpariso, Ind.,and took it to a motel,was found guilty of animal cruelty and faces 10 years behind bars.

Blood, feathers and chicken feet were discovered in the room the next day.

You guessed it - He was having sex with the chicken!


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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 10-29-2002 08:57 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G Phil in Virginia


"In America, there are approx. 50 million children enrolled in elementary and high schools.

They are taught by just over 6 million teachers, who earn an average salary of about $42,000 a year.

About $5,000 less than what's earned during ONE 'At Bat' for Texas Ranger Shortstop Alex Rodriguez."

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-14-2003 04:04 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated R [Smile] Carolyn California

Marketing for Dummies


People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and
see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up
to him and pointing at you says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and, straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten
his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." -
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize
that there could be handsome men in all
these houses you're passing. So you climb
onto the roof of one situated toward
the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Spam [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-20-2003 01:00 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] ..............Get Smart

John D. Smart of St. Louis Missouri,sustained two broken legs after smashing the window of a stereo shop using a manhole cover from the sidewalk in front of the store.

As he backed away from the window to admire his handiwork.Smart fell down the manhole. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-25-2003 08:05 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Frown]

Ultra dumb people

The incredibly dumb


A student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy.

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-26-2003 11:07 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Eek!]

Author Unknown


One criminal broke into the basement of a bank through a street-level window. In the process, however, he suffered from several lacerations. After he realized that he could neither get the money nor climb back through the window from whence he came, the robber panicked. Realizing he was going to bleed to death if he did not get help, he located a phone and dialed 911.

The rest, as they say, is history. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-26-2003 11:10 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Bank Robbery


A man from the town of Grand Forks, North Dakota, decided to travel to Fargo so that he could rob the First Community Bank.

The criminal quickly scribbled a note demanding money and gave it to the teller.

Frightened, she gave the man what he asked for and watched him run out of the door.

Police were called and searches of the surrounding area turned up nothing. Upon reviewing the ransom note, it was noted that the message had been written on the perpetrator's bank deposit slip.

Police traveled to the man's house and arrested him on his front porch. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-26-2003 11:12 AM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated PG [Smile] Really Stupid People

ID Badges

Long Beach, CA


During their lunch hour,several employees of a large aerospace company decide to rob a bank.

The group figured the police would never look for them at the plant.

Of course,being dumb criminals,they forgot to removed their ID badges during the robbery. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-27-2003 01:19 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!] .....Ed in Aurora, Ontario

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:


This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people.

They promised to be out between 8:00a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smallertime window,the pleasant gentleman asked,"Would you like us to call you before we come?"

I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our phones weren't working.He also requested that we report future outages by email.

(Does YOURe-mail work without a telephone line?). [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-27-2003 03:39 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] ED In Aurora, Ontario

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:


I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call
the local township administrative office to request the removal
of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore.

I could swear I've recently been with some of these people... [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-28-2003 02:02 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile] IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,"This is fun.We should do this more often."

Not a word was spoken.We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. [Confused]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-30-2003 01:12 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Eek!]

Good Acting


A woman was asked by the well-known and popular television program"America’s Most Wanted,"to act the part of a vicious arsonist.

She was an experienced actress,so she gladly accepted the part. The day after the program was aired,two New Jersey police officers walked passed the woman.One stopped,came back and said,"You’re the lady that was on 'America’s Most Wanted' last night!" She smiled at the thought of being recognized in public.

The officers arrested her. [Big Grin]

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)


Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001


 - posted 01-30-2003 01:21 PM      Profile for Bob Maar   Author's Homepage   Email Bob Maar   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rated G [Smile]

On Their Way Out


A Munich school teacher once said that ten-year old Albert Einstein would "never amount to much."

In 1962,the Decca Recording Company said as they turned down the Beatles," We don’t like their sound.Groups with guitars are on their way out." [Big Grin]

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