Usefull descriptions of people you may know

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

A room temperature IQ

A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Bright as Alaska in December.

One celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.

She’s Attractive in a Ugly kind of way:

I'm not saying she lacks appeal...
But she couldn't get jumped if she was playing checkers.

I'm not saying she's ugly...
But she did turned 3 cannibals into vegetarians!

She's a true flower of womanhood...
A blooming idiot

I'm not saying she didn't have much of a figure, but...

- she's the only girl I know with a Cross-Your-Navel bra

- she got a run in her panty hose and fell thru it

- she has to hold her bra up with suspenders

- she's so bowlegged, she looks like half a doughnut

- as a teen, she was so fat, it took 3 days to pierce her ears

- when she drinks tomato juice, she looks like a thermometer

- she can take a shower without getting her feet wet

- better bodies can be found at almost any used car lot

- one look at her & ya wonder if there were any other survivors

- she orders all her new cars with washtub seats

- when she went to see a plastic surgeon, he wanted to add a tail

- when she makes love, it's like an exclamation point in heat

- if not for her Adam's Apple, she wouldn't have any shape at all

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

What if, at this very moment, you are living up to your full potential?

The more you think about things, the weirder they seem. Take this milk. Why do we drink *cow* milk?? Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said, "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em.

My favorite poem is the one that starts "Thirty days have September" because it actually tells you something.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good!

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls.

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.

Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.

If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us.

Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it?

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Putdowns

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had aboutyou.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your uniquepoint of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're anartist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burnoff.

23. No, my powers can only be used for good.

24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

25. Who me? I just wander from room to room

26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

27. Do I look like a people person?

29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

31. You!... Off my planet!

32. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

33. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

34. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

35. Allow me to introduce my selves.

36. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

37. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

38. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

40. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

42. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize youhaven't fallen asleep yet.

43. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

44. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

45. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

46. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

47. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

48. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted thepaychecks.

49. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Your Mama is Like A(n)

.....Hardware store, 5 cents a screw

....Ice Cream Cone, everyone gets a lick

....Tube of Pringles, once you pop, you can't stop

....vacuum cleaner, she sucks, blows, and then gets laid in thecloset.

...Shotgun, two cocks and she's loaded

. ...Railroad Track, she gets laid all over the country

....Door Knob, evryone gets a turn.

...Christmas Tree, everyone hangs balls on her.

...Lettuce, 25 cents a head

....Tricycle, she's easy to ride

....McDonalds, over 5 million served world wide

....Carpender's dream, flat as a board and east to nail

....Fan, she's always blowing someone

....5 Foot Basketball hoop, it ain't that hard to score

....Turtle, once she's on her back she's fucked

....Birthday Cake, everyone gets a piece

....Squirrel, she's always got some nuts in he mouth

....Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, there's no wrong way to eat her

....Bag of Potato Chips, " Free-To-Lay "

...the Sun, look at her to long and you'll go blind.

    Yo Mamma is.....     

Yo mamma is so fat, when school busses drive by, she yells "Twinkies"

Yo mamma is so dumb, she wore a hard hat to Wal Mart because it said"Watch out for falling prices!"

Yo Mamma is so poor, I saw her diggin throught TOYS R US dumpster I said what are you doing..she said Christmas shopping.

Yo mamma is so fat, when she came out of the water..people said.."Hey..Free Willy"

You’re mama is so ugly,
she had to get the baby drunk to breast feed it.

You’re mama’s house is so dusty,
the roaches ride around on dune buggys.

What's the position to make ugly babies?

"You remind me of a famous movie star."

"Really? Which one?"

"Lassie."


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You're so anal retentive, you could stick a piece of coal up there and have a diamond in a week!


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Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.


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Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?

Yo mama so fat, she don't cast a shadow!

Yo Mama's So Fat...