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Topic: Insults

Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 05-19-2005 02:52 PM

Rated G to R

Miscellaneous curmudgeonly comments

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
- - - Louis Nizer

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- - - Groucho Marx

Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.
- - - Oscar Levant

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
- - - Winston Churchill

Fine words! I wonder where you stole them.
- - - Jonathan Swift

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- - - Groucho Marx

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.
- - - Neil Simon

He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him.
- - - Eddie Cantor

He looked as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.
- - - Raymond Chandler

He's completely unspoiled by failure.
- - - Noel Coward

He's liked, but he's not well liked.
- - - Arthur Miller

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
- - - Mae West

I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
- - - Steven Pearl

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
- - - Groucho Marx

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
- - - Mark Twain

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
- - - Mark Twain

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
- - - Stephen Bishop

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
- - - Clarence Darrow

I never liked him and I always will.
- - - Dave Clark

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- - - Fred Allen

I regard you with an indifference bordering on aversion.
- - - Robert Louis Stevenson

I thought men like that shot themselves.
- - - King George V

I'll bet your father spent the first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork.
- - - Irving Brecher (Marx Bros. "At the Circus")

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- - - Groucho Marx

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.
- - - Irvin S. Cobb

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
- - - Charles Pierce

In her single person she managed to produce the effect of a majority.
- - - Ellen Glascow

I've had them both, and I don't think much of either.
- - - Beatrix Lehmann (watching a Hollywood wedding.)

Pushing forty? She's hanging on for dear life.
- - - Ivy Compton-Burnett

She's good, being gone.
- - - William Shakespeare

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
- - - William Dean Howells

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
- - - Jackie Gleason

The gods too are fond of a joke.
- - - Aristotle

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.
- - - Joseph Stilwell

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
- - - Jack E. Leonard

They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway.
- - - Hunter S. Thompson

We've been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
- - - Ashleigh Brilliant

Well, I think we ought to let him hang there. Let him twist slowly, slowly in the wind.
- - - John Ehrlichman

What you said hurt me very much. I cried all the way to the bank.
- - - Liberace

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
- - - Milton Berle

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
- - - Groucho Marx

You have delighted us long enough.
- - - Jane Austen

You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
- - - Jim Samuels

You're a parasite for sore eyes.
- - - Gregory Ratoff

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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)

Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001

posted 03-18-2006 08:36 AM

Rated G Maggie

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. [Big Grin]

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System Notices
Forum Watchdog / Soup Nazi

Posts: 215

Registered: Apr 2004

posted 10-15-2017 03:14 PM

It has been 4229 days since the last post.

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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999

posted 10-15-2017 03:14 PM

Rated PG.....

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him, "Just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"Believe me sir, and as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

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