Yo mama's so fat....

...She's 36-24-36... but thats her forearm, neck, and thigh!

...When she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

...She gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down

...She got smaller fat women orbiting around her

...When someone yells "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.

...She could sell shade.

...when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.

...Her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

...She played the part of the big rolling ball that was in the Indiana Jones movie.

...When I had sex with her, I burned my ass on the lightbulb.

...She has to put her belt on with a boomerang.

...Your daddy had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

...She has to iron her pants on the driveway.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND DAMN NEAR EVERYONE

Q. What's the Cuban national anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?

A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the frontof the cage.... along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairy tale?

A. A northern fairy tale begins, "Once upon a time..." southern fairy tale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit.

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Yo mama's built like a record player: 33, 45, 78!

Yo brain on the edge of my knife look like a BB on a four-lane hiway.

A friend's stock retort to those that question his professional expertise:

quote:

---

Those who disagree with me are tree-worshiping Luddites who probably beat their wives and change their underwear infrequently.

---

And a final send off...

quote:

---

May the line that forms to piss on your grave be long and unruly.

---

You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.

If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.

You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.

If ugliness was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.

You're so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine.

You're so ugly, you could model for death threats.

You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.

You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.

You're so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.

You're so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.

You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.

You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.

You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.

You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.

Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.

You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.

You're so ugly, every time your mother looks at you she says to herself, "Damn, I should've
just given head."

I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.

You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.

You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.

You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.

You're so ugly, you make onions cry.

You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.

You're so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, "Thanks for bringing him back."

You're so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.

You're so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.

You're so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.

You're so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.

You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.

You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.

You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.

You're so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.

You're so ugly, you can't hail a bus.

You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.

You're so ugly, you give Freddy Kruegger nightmares.

You're so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.

You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.

You're so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.

You're so ugly, you can't get a date off the calendar.

You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.

You're so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.

You're so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

You're so ugly, that you can turn milk into yogurt, just by looking at it.

You're so ugly, people create a Jackson Pollock style painting when they spew on the floor.

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