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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2002 08:29 AM                        Rated R A lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:25 PM                        Rated R A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. "Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300." "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking." "Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2002 07:29 PM                        Rated X Little Johnny is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said, "Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something." Johnny was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned. Johnny replied - "Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up." Johnny's mother said, "Wait until your father gets home." When Johnny's father got home, Johnny's mum told him to ask Johnny what he had learnt today. When Johnny told him the whole story, dad said, "Johnny, go outside and get me a switch." Johnny replied, "Get fucked. That's the electrician's job."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-17-2002 09:05 AM                        Rated R A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?" The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants. Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants. "Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 10:02 AM                        Rated R One Christmas long,long ago,Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.There was one problem after another that year;a few of the best elves came down with the flu,and the trainee elves didn't make toys as fast as the usual guys so Santa was really feeling the pressure of being behind schedule. When he went to harness the reindeer,he found that one of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out somewhere.He ran around in a panic until he found them, then went inside and Mrs.Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to visit! Needless to say,this stressed poor Santa even more. Then,when he began to load up the sleigh,one of the runners cracked and the sack fell to the ground and scattered toys everywhere. Fuming,Santa found a couple of carpenter elves to fix the sleigh and went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard,he found that the elves had been hitting the liquor and there was nothing left to drink. An empty bottle fell out of the cabinet and shattered all over the floor.Scowling, he went to get the broom and found that mice had chewed up the straw and it was hardly usable. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa muttered and cursed to himself all the way to the door.He opened the door, and there was a little angel there, dragging a great big Christmas tree.The angel said,"I'm running late,where do you want me to put this tree, fat man?" AND.....that is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-19-2002 11:25 AM                        Rated G GOOD-BYE MOTHER! A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.Thinking nothing of it,he ignored her and continued on.Finally he went to the checkout line,but she got in front of him. "Pardon me,"she said,"I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.It's just that you look just like my son,who I haven't seen in a long time.""That's a shame,"replied the young man,"is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes,"she said,"as I'm leaving,can you say'Good bye,Mother!'It would make me feel so much better." "Sure,"answered the young man.As the old woman was leaving,he called out,"Good bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter,he saw that his total was $127.50."How can that be?" he asked,"I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her,"said the clerk.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-22-2002 07:39 AM                        Rated PG ELDERLY WEDDING Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers "Yes". Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? " Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:07 PM                        Rated R A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog. After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-28-2002 02:15 PM                        Rated G Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang! When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 11:23 AM                        Rated PG Corruption At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question." "Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-03-2003 02:28 PM                        Rated G ................ TALKING CLOCK While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "It’s a talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch,"the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly,someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:15 AM                        Rated G Divorce[/b] A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 05:34 AM                        Rated G A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 11:02 AM                        Rated G JJ on The Left Coast - This Reminder 1957 Remember this? Even if you don't remember, this will make you think! The following were some comments made in the year 1957: (1) "I'll tell you one thing,if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20.00." (2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one." (3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price,I'm going to quit.A quarter a pack is ridiculous." (4) "Did you hearthe post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" (5) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1,nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." (6) "When I first started driving,who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage," (7) "Kids today are impossible.Those ducktail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls," (8) "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying damn in "Gone With The Wind", it seems every new movie has either Hell or damn in it." (9) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." (10) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball?It wouldn't surprise me if someday that they will be making more than the President." (11) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.They are even making electric typewriters now." (12) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays.I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." (13) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." (14) "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more,those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorces at the drop of a hat." (15) "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." (16) "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." (17) "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather,but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." (18) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.It costs nearly $15.00 a night to stay in a hotel." (19) "No one can afford to be sick any more,35.00 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:26 PM                        Rated G How To Wash The Cat! 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water. 3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. Sincerely, The DOG  |  IP: Logged

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