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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 09:37 AM                        Rated G I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertable ahead of us stood up and waved.She was stark naked. As I was reeling from the shock,I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat,"Mom ! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2003 10:23 AM                        Rated X A man walks into a bar one night.He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny!?" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak,with fries,peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir,"replies the bartender,"but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!"exclaims the guy."Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-10-2003 11:05 AM                        Rated G Kids Advice on Love and Marriage WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?? "Eighty-four! Because at that age,you don't have to work anymore,and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?? "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and a VCR,'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.' (Darby,7) IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?? "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9) "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.I'm just a kid.I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9) "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen,8) HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVETYPICALLY BEHAVE? "Mooshy -- like puppy dogs -- except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much." (Arnold, age 10) ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE "Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger,9) CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS "They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) "They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing." (John, age 9) CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on television." (Anita, 6) "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8) SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU "Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo,9) "One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat.French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9) HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?? "It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire." (Christine , 9) HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED? "I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses." (Gina, age 8) HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS "You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls." (Julia, age 7) "You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7) WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) "If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission." (Roger, age 6) HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE "Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7) "Don't forget your wife's name.It will mess up the love.(Roger,8) "Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Bobby, 9) "Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind -- Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch." (Natalie,age 9)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2003 04:30 PM                        Rated G The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little man replied[b]"I work for the IRS."[b]/  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2003 12:52 PM                        Rated G Two cowboys were driving through central Texas and see a sign which says "Mexia 15 miles". One of them says to the other, "Hey, why don't we stop in MEX-ee-uh and get a drink?" The other cowboy replies, "Hey, that's not how you say it. It's ma-HAY-uh," and they proceed to get into an argument about the proper pronunciation of Mexia. Finally they get to town and stop in at a little place to settle their argument. They agree they'll ask the cashier how to pronounce the name and whoever is wrong will buy lunch for the other. They walk up to the counter and one of them says, "Excuse me, but could you settle an argument for us?" "Sure," replies the cashier. "We were wondering how to pronounce the name of this place, and we were wondering if you could pronounce it for us. But say it real slow so we can understand." "OK," replies the cashier, eyeing the two quizzically. "It's DAI-RY QUEEEEN."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-17-2003 02:45 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee It's all in the punctuation: An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2003 11:43 AM                        Rated G A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 90-year-old said:"I'venever felt better.I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.What do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began:"I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry,he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek,he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water.He raised his umbrella andwent:'Bang, bang'and the beaver fell dead.What do you think of that?" The 90-year-old said,"I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." The doctor replied ... "My point exactly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 05:32 AM                        Rated G Generals interview Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-25-2003 08:53 PM                        Rated R Two guys are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his balls. One says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" The other replies, "Don't you think you should pet him first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-26-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated R Why Do You Keep Saying That? An old man on the beach walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts,I will give you twenty dollars" he says. Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars,are you nuts!? Get away from me! I want to feel your breasts,I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. "NO! Get away from me" "TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO!" "FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money.... "Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers: "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-27-2003 09:57 AM                        Rated G There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." "Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." The bartender sceptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2003 02:52 PM                        Rated R There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time. He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?" Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated PG A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well,they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous."The best entertainers from New York,Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have",the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions,the man replies,"But we didn't use it!" The Manager is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. "Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument:"Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2003 09:27 AM                        Rated G How I became my own grandpa! Many, many years ago When I was twenty-three I got married to a widow Who was pretty as could be This window had a grown-up daughter With flowing hair of red My father fell in love with her And soon the two were wed This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life Now my daughter was my mother For she was my father’s wife. To complicate the matters worse Although it brought me joy I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad And so became my uncle Though it made me very sad For if he was my uncle Then that also made him brother To the widow’s grown-up daughter Who of course was my step-mother Father’s wife then had a son Who kept them on the run And he became my grandson For he was my daughter’s son My wife is now my mother’s mother And it makes me blue Because, although, she is my wife She’s my grandma too If my wife is my grandmother Then I am her grandchild And every time I think of it It simply drives me wild For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw As the husband of my grandmother I am my own grandpa!!  |  IP: Logged

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