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Author
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Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-05-2003 10:44 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy,"Hey Willis,forget your troubles Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered,"but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner,Willis thanked his host."I feel a lot better now,but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile."By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-06-2003 08:32 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif) ED in Aurora,Ont.
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act,he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Edna the news, he said, "Edna I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness." > > >
The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.....How soon did you say I can go home?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-07-2003 07:04 AM
Rated R
Mongolian Disease
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."
The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc."
The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!"
The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".
The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"
"Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.
"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself. You save money"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-07-2003 03:50 PM
Rated PG
A business man got on an elevator in a tall building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again answersm "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
T-G-I-F.It means Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "S-H-I-T - - - Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-13-2003 06:11 AM
Rated G
Two boys are playing basketball in a park in Sacramento when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and hits the dog on the head, killing it instantly. A reporter for the Sacramento Bee was strolling by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. He starts writing,
Young Kings Fan Saves Friend from vicious Animal..
"But I'm not a Kings fan," the little hero replys
"Sorry, since we are in Sacramento, I just assumed you were," said the reporter crossing it out and writing instead,
Rivercats Fan rescues Friend from Horrific Attack
"But I'm not a Rivercats fan either," says the young boy
"Sorry, I just assumed that everyone in Sacramento is either for the Kings or the Rivercats. What team do you root for?"
"I'm a Lakers fan," the child replied
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,
Little Bastard From L.A. kills beloved Family Pet.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-16-2003 11:23 AM
Rated G
Vow of Silence
At a remote monastery deep in the woods, the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas, by one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence. One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said, "I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast!" Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.
The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said, "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!" Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.
The following Christmas, Brother Paul rose and said, "I am fed up with this constant bickering!" ![[Mad]](mad.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-20-2003 11:37 AM
Rated G
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fredand Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...) Thepercentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:Spades - King David, Hearts - Charlemagne, Clubs -Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,the person died in battle.If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th,John Hancock and Charles Thomson.Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them lookslike it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,When customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language. (Bob's note: My dictionary says origin uncertain, but this sounds good. All you lady golfers remember this when you go to Augusta, Georgia or Haverhill, Mass.)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 05-21-2003 12:37 PM
Rated G Louise
This man in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a
Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... see?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!"
"Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well,
the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes
immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks
up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his
Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all
fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets
out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Volkswagen says,
"You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-01-2003 06:37 AM
Rated G
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-03-2003 12:13 PM
Rated X
This is from a contest on Long Island.
The requirements were to use the two words Lewinsky (The Intern)
and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.
Here are the three winners:
Third place:
There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky,
'Twas "Hail to the Chief", On this flute made of 'beef',
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Second place:
Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress,
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
And the winning entry:
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown,
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better,
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 09:34 AM
Rated R
Two Elderly Men sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by. One says to the other you know I'm still sexually interested in Women.In fact I always get excited when I see the young Girls walking by.The real problem is, that at this age I dont see so good any more.
How about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get married after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida. As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses and other miscellaneous things (they're) both relatively well off with each one having retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about their own houses."Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each put half the purchase price into our new home." Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills and she says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split that bill on a monthly basis." to which she agrees. Then what about the utility bill? Same sharing response. Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and he replies "Oh, infrequently" and she says "Harold, was that one or two words?"
Aging joke-An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a women of 30 and would he have any suggestions. Yes, says the Doctor I would advise you to take in a border. A year later at his 80th year check-up, the Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The Doctor remarks, so you took my advise and took in a border ? Yes I did, id the reply, and She's pregnant also.....
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be saved. The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely *determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce. Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??" To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?" The man responds by raising his hand and outstreching his fingers. "What? Five times?" asks the eager girl. "No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 06-26-2003 10:02 AM
Rated X
A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"
"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Genitals.'"
"Oh. You know anything else?"
The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.
"It's called 'Crap In My Mouth, I Love It.'"
"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."
So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.
"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"
"Know it, pal?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"
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