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Author
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Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-04-2004 12:15 PM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif) LAS in CT
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.
SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County
Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.
A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.
A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.
Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.
We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative Land and Water Management Division
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** Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries: **
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Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.
A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris."
I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.
As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is: are the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.
In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.
In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.
If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).
So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.
In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!
Bears are actually defecating in our woods I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.
THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES &THE DAM BEAVERS ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-05-2004 05:03 PM
Rated G LAS
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes
through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to
worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she
stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young
to die," she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my
last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like
a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten
their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown
hair and hazel eyes. Slowly he walks up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt............... one button at a time.
No one moves.
.................He removes his shirt.
................Muscles ripple across his chest.
.................She gasps...
................He stares deeply into her eyes.
.................She starts to feel faint.
.................He whispers softly:
"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-12-2004 03:48 PM
Rated G
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered altitude, spotted a man in a boat below and shouted to him: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am!"
The boater consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said "You must be a Republican."
"I am," the man replied, "how did you guess?"
"Well", answered the balloonist, "Everything you've told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You've made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect ME to solve your problem. You are EXACTLY in the same position you were before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 08-17-2004 07:37 AM
Rated G
This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.
Damn women drivers! !
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2004 11:29 PM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, thestick pig and the brick pig.
One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said,"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,"Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.
Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did!!!
So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig'shouse and said,"Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up.The wolf said,"I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.
A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.
Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf,grab him by the neck and beat the living shitout of him,then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired,
killing the wolf, then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.
The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!!
"Who the hell were those guys?" they asked.
"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-02-2004 11:34 PM
Rated G
T-G-I-F
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator,there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly,so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly,"T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,"T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 09-19-2004 07:13 AM
Rated PG Denny in Yonkers
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to his church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,"Father...during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."
The priest said,"By doing that,you were both in great danger.
However two people under those circumstances can by very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have onemore question..."
"And what is that?" said the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-10-2004 09:29 AM
Rated R
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father".
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a ro! om, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied, well hung, Male Stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God...."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-13-2004 08:32 AM
Rated G Memories
Sit back, relax, listen, read, & smile. Kind of of reminds you to stop & smell the roses of life, and to give thanks to God for life and memories.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a decent allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air? And, you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed. . .and they did?
When a 57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise,
peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a "
and playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Send this on to someone who can still remember
Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,
Howdy Doody and the Peanut Gallery,
the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,
Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the pool,
and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today
because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Fliers
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...( Hillcrest 4-601).
Party lines
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
Green Stamps
Hi-Fi's
Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Beanie and Cecil
Roller-skate keys
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Studebakers
Washtub wringers
The Fuller Brush Man
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
Tinkertoys
Erector Sets
The Fort Apache Play Set
Lincoln Logs
15 cent McDonald hamburgers
5 cent packs of baseball cards -
with that awful pink slab of bubble gum
Penny candy
35 cent a gallon gasoline
Jiffy Pop popcorn
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!!!!!
Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dog-dare-ya!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-25-2004 11:46 AM
Rated G LAS In Ct
HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITHOUT KNOWING THESE THINGS?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%( now get this...) The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
Those San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.If the horse has one front leg in the air,the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what? >
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet-proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in commo! n ?
A. All invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed more firm to sleep on.Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.
In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England,when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "mind their own pints and quarts and settle down." It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"
Many years ago in England,pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups.When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service."Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
In Scotland, a new game was invented.It was entitled "Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden"....and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-26-2004 09:25 AM
Rated G
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- former U..S. President Bill Clinton,
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 10-29-2004 09:43 AM
Rated PG
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yes'm they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.She says,"Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker,"then you must be here to sign up."
I'll need all your children's names."
"This one's my oldest--he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues One by
one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right...," says the caseworker, "I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Mumma replied, "Well, yes--it make it easier.When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school,I yells,
'Leroy!'
An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes arunnin.' An 'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,namin' them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her foreheadand says tentatively,"But what if you just want ONE kid to come,and not the whole bunch?"
"Ah, that's so easy," said the momma. "Then I calls them by their last names."
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