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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 11:28 AM                        Rated G A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 03:13 PM                        Rated G 12 Shots A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-24-2003 03:25 PM                        Rated PG One Year ago today this was the big Joke BUTCHER DANCE A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well earned beer. He gets talking to one of the local Aborigines and tells him about his project. The Aborigine asks the guy what he thought of the "Butcher Dance." The guy's a bit confused and says, "Butcher Dance? What's that?" "What? You no see Butcher Dance?" "No, I've never heard of it." "Oh mate. You crazy. How you say you film every native dance if you no see Butcher Dance?" "Umm. I got a corroborate on film just the other week. Is that what you mean?" "No no, not corroborate. Butcher Dance much more important than corroborate." "Oh, well, how can I see this Butcher Dance then?" "Mate, Butcher Dance right out bush. Many days travel to go see Butcher Dance." "Look, I've been everywhere from the forests of the Amazon, to deepest darkest Africa, to the frozen wastes of the Arctic filming these dances. Nothing will prevent me from recording this one last dance." "OK, mate. You drive north along highway towards Darwin. After you drive 197 miles, you see dirt track veer off to left. Follow dirt track for 126 miles 'till you see big huge dead gum tree - biggest tree you ever see. Here you gotta leave the car, because much too rough for driving. You strike out due west into setting sun. You walk 3 days 'till you hit creek. You follow this creek to Northwest. After 2 days you find where creek flows out of rocky mountains. Much too difficult to cross mountains here though. You now head south for half day 'till you see pass through mountains. Pass very difficult and very dangerous. Take 2, maybe 3 days to get through rocky pass. When through, head northwest for 4 days 'till reach big huge rock - 20 ft high and shaped like man's head. From rock, walk due west for 2 days and you find village. Here you see Butcher Dance." So the guy grabs his camera crew and equipment and heads out. After a couple of hours he finds the dirt track. The track is in a shocking state and he's forced to crawl along at a snails pace and so he doesn't reach the tree until dusk and he's forced to set up camp for the night. He sets out bright and early the following morning. His spirits are high and he's excited about the prospect of capturing on film this mysterious dance which he had never heard mention of before. True to the directions he has been given, he reaches the creek after three days and follows it for another two until they reach the rocky mountains. The merciless sun is starting to take its toll by this time and his spirits are starting to flag, but wearily he trudges on until he finds the pass through the hills - nothing will prevent him from completing his life's dream. The mountains prove to be every bit as treacherous as their guide said and at times they almost despair of getting their bulky equipment through. But after three and a half days of back breaking effort they finally force their way clear and continue their long trek. When they reach the huge rock, four days later, their water is running low and their feet are covered with blisters. Yet they steel themselves and head out on the last leg of their journey. Two days later they virtually stagger into the village where the natives feed them and give them fresh water. They begin to feel like new men. Once he's recovered enough, the guy goes before the village chief and tells him that he has come to film there Butcher Dance. "Oh mate. Very bad you come today. Butcher Dance last night. You too late. You miss dance." "Well, when do you hold the next dance?" "Not 'till next year." "Well, I've come all this way. Couldn't you just hold an extra dance for me, tonight?" "No, no, no! Butcher Dance very holy. Only hold once a year. If hold more, gods get very angry and destroy village! You want see Butcher Dance you come back next year." The guy is devastated, but he has no other option but to head back to civilization and back home. The following year, he heads back to Australia and, determined not to miss out again, sets out a week earlier than last time. He is quite willing to spend a week in the village before the dance is performed in order to ensure he is present to witness it. However, right from the start things go wrong. Heavy rains that year have turned the dirt track to mud and the car gets bogged every few miles, finally forcing them to abandon their vehicles and slog through the mud on foot almost half the distance to the tree. They reach the creek and the mountains without any further hitch, but halfway through the ascent of the mountain they are struck by a fierce storm which rages for several days, during which they are forced to cling to the mountainside until it subsides. It would be suicide to attempt to scale the treacherous paths in the face of such savage elements. Then, before they have traveled a mile out from the mountains, one of the crew sprains his ankle badly which slows down the rest of their journey enormously, to the rock and then the village. Eventually, having lost all sense of how long they have been traveling, they stagger into the village at about 12:00 noon. "The Butcher Dance!" gasps the guy. "Please don't tell me I'm too late!" The chief recognizes him and says "No, white fella. Butcher Dance performed tonight. You come just in time." Relieved beyond measure, the crew spends the rest of the afternoon setting up their equipment - preparing to capture the night's ritual on celluloid as dusk falls, the natives start to cover there bodies in white paint and adorn themselves in all manner of bird's feathers and animal skins. Once darkness has settled fully over the land, the natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over performers and spectators alike as a wizened old figure with elaborate swirling designs covering his entire body enters the circle and begins to chant. Some sort of witch doctor or medicine man, figures the guy and he whispers to the chief, "What's he doing?" "Hush," whispers the chief. You first white man ever to see most sacred of our rituals. Must remain silent. Holy man, he asks that the spirits of the dream world watch as we demonstrate our devotion to them through our dance and, if they like our dancing, will they be so gracious as to watch over us and protect us for another year." The chanting of the Holy man reaches a stunning crescendo before he moves himself from the circle. From somewhere the rhythmic pounding of drums booms out across the land and the natives begin to sway to the stirring rhythm. The guy is becoming caught up in the fervor of the moment himself. This is it. He now realizes beyond all doubt that his wait has not been in vain. He is about to witness the ultimate performance of rhythm and movement ever conceived by mankind. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing, He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about..."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-24-2003 06:05 PM                        Some moldy oldie senior humor... ______________________________________ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." _______________________________________ Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door." _______________________________________ Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." _______________________________________ An little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _______________________________________ An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" _______________________________________ 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _______________________________________ Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _______________________________________ As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the> wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-26-2003 05:24 AM                        Rated PG Spot The Dog A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. 'Spot,' called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog getting the blame,the young man let another slightly larger one go. 'Spot,'she cried out sharply. I've got it made,thought the fellow to himself.One more and I'll be fine.So he let loose a really big one. 'Spot,'shrieked the mother,'get over here before he shits on you.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-01-2003 01:06 PM                        Rated G Two old retired Navy chiefs were traveling across country to attend a Navy Reunion and they pull up to a gas station. Attendant: "How may I help you?" Old chief: "Please fill it up." The other old chief: "What did he say?" Old chief [yelling]: "He was asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up." Attendant: "So, where are you heading?" Old chief: "To Las Vegas to attend a Navy Reunion." The other old chief: "What did he say?" Old chief [yelling]: "He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to a Navy reunion." Attendant: "It sure is a nice day for a drive." Old chief: "Yes, it's been quite pleasant." The other old chief:: "What did he say?" Old chief [yelling]: "He said it's good weather." Attendant: "Where are you coming from?" Old chief: "We started our trip from Bandera, Texas." Again the other old chief:"What did he say?" Old chief {yelling}:"He asked where we're from and I said Texas." Attendant:"I spent two years in the Navy.The Chief that I worked for was a complete asshole.He sure screwed me over so I didn't make the Navy a career." Again the other old chief: "What did he say?" Old chief [yelling}: "He says he thinks he knows you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 09:02 AM                        Rated G JerseyT You're In The Army Now . . . Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James,a Tennessee Mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day of boot camp,the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon,an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his second day, the Army issued him a comb.That afternoon,an Army barber sheared his head. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. The Army is still looking for him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 03:23 PM                        Rated PG Quotes from D.C. Mayor Marion Barry " The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " I promise you a police car on every sidewalk." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington,DC " Bitch set me up." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself : are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600's. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!" - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC " I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man." - M. Barry, Mayor of Washington, DC  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 10:38 AM                        Rated G Lorraine AMORE When the moon hits your eye Like a big pizza pie That's amore. When an eel bites your hand And that's not what you planned That's a moray. When our habits are strange And our customs deranged That's our mores. When your horse munches straw And the bales total four That's some more hay. When Othello's poor wife becomes stabbed with a knife That's a Moor, eh? When a Japanese knight Used his sword in a fight That's Samurai. When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh? When your boat comes home fine And you tied up her line That's a moor, eh? When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest That's some more "A"s! When on Mt. Cook you see An aborigine, That's a Maori. Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo ray.... A comedian-ham With the name Amsterdam That's a Morey. When your chocolate graham Is so full and so crammed That smore. When you've had quite enough Of this dumb rhyming stuff That's "No more!", eh?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:17 AM                        Rated G B.B. A young man was called before a judge. "What crime have you been charged with?" asked the judge. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the man. "That's not a crime," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," said the man.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-11-2003 09:14 AM                        Rated R CIA Position Open A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances" they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job." "No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 04:37 PM                        Rated G 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, He Lived All Alone, In a One Bedroom House Made Of Plaster And Stone. I Had Come Down The Chimney With Presents To Give, And To See Just Who In This Home Did Live. I Looked All About, A Strange Sight I Did See, No Tinsel, No Presents, Not Even A Tree. No Stocking By Mantle, Just Boots Filled With Sand, On The Wall Hung Pictures Of Far Distant Lands. With Medals And Badges, Awards Of All Kinds, A Sober Thought Came Through My Mind. For This House Was Different, It Was Dark And Dreary, I Found The Home Of A Soldier, Once I Could See Clearly. The Soldier Lay Sleeping, Silent, Alone, Curled Up On The Floor In This One Bedroom Home. The Face Was So Gentle, The Room In Such Disorder, Not How I Pictured A United States Soldier. Was This The Hero Of Whom I'd Just Read? Curled Up On A Poncho, The Floor For A Bed? I Realized The Families That I Saw This Night, Owed Their Lives To These Soldiers Who Were Willing To Fight. Soon Round The World, The Children Would Play, And Grownups Would Celebrate A Bright Christmas Day. They All Enjoyed Freedom Each Month Of The Year, Because Of The Soldiers, Like The One Lying Here. I Couldn't Help Wonder How Many Lay Alone, On A Cold Christmas Eve In A Land Far From Home. The Very Thought Brought A Tear To My Eye, I Dropped To My Knees And Started To Cry. The Soldier Awakened And I Heard A Rough Voice, "Santa Don't Cry, This Life Is My Choice; I Fight For Freedom, I Don't Ask For More, My Life Is My God, My Country, My Corps." The Soldier Rolled Over And Drifted To Sleep, I Couldn't Control It, I Continued To Weep. I Kept Watch For Hours, So Silent And Still And We Both Shivered From The Cold Night's Chill. I Didn't Want To Leave On That Cold, Dark, Night, This Guardian Of Honor So Willing To Fight. Then The Soldier Rolled Over, With A Voice Soft And Pure, Whispered, "Carry On Santa, It's Christmas Day, All Is Secure." One Look At My Watch, And I Knew He Was Right. "Merry Christmas My Friend, And To All A Good Night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-08-2004 04:32 PM                        Rated PG There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees." The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked. The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 10:12 AM                        Rated G A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are." Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph. He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too." The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge. This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?" The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need." "Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?" Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-09-2004 10:20 AM                        Rated G At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?  |  IP: Logged

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