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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 09:41 AM                        Rated G Clever Slogans A new mortuary,in a tough mill town,decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion,so they draped a banner on the front of their building that read: "Our Staff will stuff your Stiff." Not to be outdone,the Madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 08:29 PM                        Rated G The AccidentA woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other." The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely." The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2003 06:50 PM                        Rated G Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates. A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho." "Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter." A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine." "Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw." "Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?" The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it. "But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?" "Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-01-2003 04:50 PM                        I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: "no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall". Eleanor Roosevelt Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible. George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea -- visit people only once a year. Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. Mark Twain My wife is a sex object -- every time I ask for sex, she objects. Les Dawson By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. Jilly Cooper I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. Mark Twain My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Ed Furgol Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. Henny Youngman I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. Joe Namath Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. Herbert Henry Asquith I don't feel old - I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope A woman drove me to drink -- and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her. W.C. Fields I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W.C. Fields It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. George Burns We could certainly slow aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Unknown Don't worry about avoiding temptation...As you grow older, it will avoid you. Unknown Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... Unknown Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news -- the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac... Unknown The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Unknown By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Unknown It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything... Unknown  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-07-2003 01:07 PM                        Do you ever wonder.... 1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?" 2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt." 3. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? 4. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer? 5. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 6. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? 7. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 8. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 9. Why does the OB-GYN leave the room when a woman gets undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? 11. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? 12. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 13. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? 14. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 15. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 16. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? 17. Stop singing and read on.......... 18. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? 19. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your...aaahhhh......butt? 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 21. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 04:47 PM                        Rated G Gord in Toronto Who Says Men aren't Sensitive? A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by the evidence of his sensitive side! She turns to him, invitingly...they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 05:10 PM                        Rated PG Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" Pharmacist: "Yes: Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All Kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, Scoliosis? Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice??" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely.! Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-10-2003 05:17 PM                        [b]Rated PG {/b] Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late onenight, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear- shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. \ Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You asshole ...it's ten past three in the morning!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2003 09:01 AM                        Rated R ***** Different BARS ***** A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgee, there's a better one. AtMacDougal's, ye buy a drink,ye buy another drink,and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink." The others agree that sounds like a good place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere's a better one. In Roma, dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Oirland, dere's dis Place called Morphy's. At Morphy's, dey boy you your forst drink, dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid." "Wow," say the other two. "That's fantastic. Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 08:57 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator, Alan Pinkerton, for protection. That was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, ATF, etc. Now comes the Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service. Can'tyou see them now? These highly trained men and women in their black outfitswith initials in large white letters across their backs? F. A. T. A. S. S. - - - - - - - I feel safer already.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 12:38 PM                        Rated G LAS in CT History Lesson Look what happens when a President gets elected in a year with a "0" at the end. 1840: William Henry Harrison (died in office) 1860: Abraham Lincoln (assassinated) 1880: James A. Garfield (assassinated) 1900: William McKinley (assassinated) 1920: Warren G. Harding (died in office) 1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (died in office) 1960: John F. Kennedy (assassinated) 1980: Ronald Reagan (survived assassination attempt) 2000: George W. Bush ??????????? And to think that we had two guys fighting it out in the courts to be the one elected in 2000. You might also be interested in this. Have a history teacher explain this if they can. Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946. Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960. Both were particularly concerned with civil rights. Both wives lost their children while living in the White House. Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both Presidents were shot in the head. Now it gets really weird. Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln. Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson. Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908. John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839. Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939. Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names are composed of fifteen letters. Now hang on to your seat. Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford," Kennedy was shot in a car called " Lincoln" made by "Ford," Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials. And here's the "kicker": A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland. A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 07:36 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers Anti-Terrorist Day, next Saturday... As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife.So, next Saturday at 2:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour isrecommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.   The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America! IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC ! DUTY TO PASS THIS ON  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 07:55 AM                        Rated G JJ on the Left Coast Last E-Mail Andy Rooney said the following on 60 Minutes a few weeks back. (For those of you who don't know Andy Rooney, he is a 82 year old US TV commentator). I like big cars, big boats, big motorcycles, big houses and big campfires. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game. I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason; that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING, MARTHA BURKE? I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens. Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door. I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability. I know what sex is, and there are not varying degrees of it. If I received sex from one of my subordinates in my office, it wouldn't be aprivate matter or my personal business. I would be "FIRED" immediately! I believe that if you are selling me a milk shake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English! My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours. I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry self if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines. I feel much safer letting a machine with no political affiliation recount  votes when needed. I know what the definition of lying is. I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business. We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them. I believe a self-righteous liberal or conservative with a cause is more dangerous than a Hell's Angel with an attitude. I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building. Ask your buddy that invented the Internet to help you. It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!" I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me french fries! I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else. And if you don't like my point of view, tough. DON'T PASS IT ON!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-18-2003 09:07 AM                        Rated G The following ad in The Atlanta Journal is reported to have been one of their most popular (in number of calls received): SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right wayand watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy. Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 06:36 AM                        Rated PG A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to,he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,he whispered,eyes full of tears,"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.When I got fired,you were there to support me.When mybusiness failed,you were there.When I got shot,you were by my side.When we lost the house,you stayed right here.When my health started failing,you were still by my side.You know what?" "What dear?" she gently asked,smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the fuck away from me ."  |  IP: Logged

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