my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... (Page 10)

This topic comprises 23 pages: 1  2  3  ...  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  ...  21  22  23

Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 01:53 PM                        Rated G More To Mating Than You Think: A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said,"That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said,"Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 05:46 AM                        Rated PG A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers".He calls the number,and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives,and gets out of his van.He's got a ladder,a baseball bat,a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof,then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.When the gorilla falls off,the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof,shoot the dog"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated G Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.) Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Texas executes last remaining citizen. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-23-2003 04:32 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Two guys were in an English pub. They called the publican over and asked him to settle an argument. "Are there two pints in a quart or four?", asked one. "There are two pints in a quart", confirmed the publican. They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order. "Two pints please, miss, and they are on the house." The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?" "That's right", he called back, "two pints."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-24-2003 07:57 PM                        Rated R Yossel Abramovitz worked in a pickle factory. Unfortunately, he had a very great and powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. This went on for years,and Yossel couldn't stand it any more. So he decided to seek professional help for this odd infatuation of his. He spent a few months with a shrink who finally gave up and told Yossel that since Yossel's desire was so powerful to put his penis in the pickle slicer,the only way to get over it was to do it. Yossel gladly agreed to do it the next day at work. The next day he came home from work very early,about 11 AM.His wife,Sarah was very worried and asked why he was home so early. Yossel explained to her for the first time the desire he had had to put his penis in the pickle slicer.He explained that he couldn't take it any more and today he did it and he got fired as a result. Sarah gasped and ran over to himyanked down his pants and briefs only to see his penis perfectly normal and intact. She looked back up and said,"I don't understand ...what happened to the pickle slicer.?" "I think she got fired too ...?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-25-2003 12:48 PM                        Rated G A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.He took off down the road,flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him,blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110,120 mph. Then he thought,"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch."My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday.If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before,I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said,"Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper,and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied,"Sir, have a nice day."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-07-2003 02:58 PM                        Rated G Michele HOW TO BATHE THE CAT 1. Thoroughly clean toilet. 2. Lift both lids and add shampoo. 3. Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom. 4. In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top ... so cat cannot escape. 5. The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this) 6. Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective. Cat is too big to go anywhere. 7. Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids. 8. Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry. Cat will return when hungry. Sincerely, The Dog  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 01:42 PM                        Rated PG A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks. This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden. The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says: "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2003 04:51 AM                        Rated PG A redneck is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences.After a few minutes he radios his boss and says,"Boss,I've got a problem.I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?'' "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun.Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker agrees and signs off.About 10 minutes later he radios back."Boss I did what you said,I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush." "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped. "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 12:39 PM                        Life After Death… "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." ************************************************************************** A woman's age… Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39 and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?" ************************************************************************** The Mood Ring… My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead. ************************************************************************* The Water Pistol… When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?" Mom smiled and then replied. . . "I remember." ************************************************************************* Church and kids…. It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were for. People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!" ************************************************************************** One Easter Sunday morning as the priest was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in Here? " "I know a little boy exclaimed -- Pantyhose!" ************************************************************************* A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy -- I'm under five." ************************************************************************** The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My Mom is a good cook!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2003 01:12 PM                        1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called, "Ministers Do More Than Lay People." 2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled her mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 9. My next house will have no kitchen--just vending machines and a large trash can. 10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid. 11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite." 13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex. 14. As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-17-2003 06:23 AM                        Rated G Life's Little Facts Butterflies taste with their feet. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. On average people fear spiders more than they do death. Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs ... but not downstairs. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. A snail can sleep for three years.. No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!! The electric chair was invented by a dentist. All polar bears are left-handed. In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. "Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow. Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know. They will get a kick out of it !! You tried to lick your elbow, didn't you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-20-2003 12:06 PM                        Rated G The Sneeze.... A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first classection of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again, she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I'vnever heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-21-2003 05:46 AM                        Rated G A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "Wow," the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?" "Yes, they're all mine," the tired Mom sighs, having heard thatquestion a thousand times before. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names," "This one is my oldest-he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy. "All right, I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" "Well, yes-it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy." The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?" "Ah, that's easy," says the mother. "Then I call them by their last names."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 04:56 AM                        Rated PG A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" . The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". -------------------------------------- A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently,she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." ------------------------------------------- A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..." ------------------------------------------ One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" ---------------------------------------------- The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead. " ----------------------------------------------- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." --------------------------------------------- The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 23 pages: 1  2  3  ...  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  ...  21  22  23

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.