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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 07:42 AM                        Rated PG A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet,rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives,she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is.I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers,"there is no toilet paper,hand soap, or paper towels in the women's bathroom...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 08:00 AM                        Rated R Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out,but I got an erection every time I saw er?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul,straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did,it wouldn't show." "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul,"and I rang her doorbell.She answered it in the sheerest,tiniest dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" (Paul slumps back over the bar again.) "I kicked her in the face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 08:16 AM                        Rated R Frank There's this guy sitting at a bar,just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half an hour.Then this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,takes the drink from the guy,and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.Here,I'll buy you another drink.I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No,it's not that.This is the worst day of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office.My boss, outraged,fires me.When I leave the building,to go to my car,I find out it was stolen.The police say they can do nothing.I get a cab to return home,and when I leave it,I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there but the cab had already driven away.I go home,and when I get there,I find my wife in bed with the gardener.I leave home and come to this bar.And when I'm thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 08:25 AM                        [b]Rated G Imagine. . .there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!!! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off,as lost,whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains ofthe day.If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health,happiness,and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special,special enough to spend your time. And remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.That's why it's called the present!!! Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear,they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their heart to us.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 10:21 AM                        Rated X It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar? Well,she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll,and it was like pure ALMOND JOY! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero,Be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Watchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ~O~ Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good ~N~ Plenty, when all of a sudden... My Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, 9 months later, out popped...Baby Ruth!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2003 09:12 AM                        Rated X A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered quite violently as before. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again,she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said,"You've sneezed three times, wiped you nose with a tissue, and then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said,"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2003 09:42 AM                        Rated G GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It. 2. Hide and go pee. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear. 4. Kick the bucket 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over. 6. Musical recliners. 7. Simon says something incoherent. 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze. OLD IS WHEN Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra.. Hard to Find Supportive Comfortable And Always Close To Your Heart!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2003 07:14 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers Dear Friends, It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation. When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement">in March, it became necessary for Susan to get a full-time job , both for the extra income and for the health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing and hunting about the same time that she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed. Now that she is older, she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker game club or Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of the odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have a really good day of fishing , this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Susan is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills on her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her any, if you know what I mean. When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little rest breaks. I tell her to fix a big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep. I know that I probably look like a Saint in the way that I support Susan on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. Signed, Bob Bob's funeral was on Saturday, April 26th. Susan was acquitted Monday, April 28th.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 05:56 AM                        Rated G THIS IS REALLY GOOD STUFF TO KNOW! Some helpful hints and who would think..... *Budweiser beer conditions the hair * Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish * Cool whip will condition your hair in 15 min * Mayonnaise will KILL LICE , it will also condition your hair * Elmer's Glue-paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any * Shiny Hair-use brewed Lipton Tea * Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water * Minor burn-Colgate or Crest toothpaste * Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it! * Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too * Bee stings - meat tenderizer * Chigger bite - Preparation H * Puffy eyes - Preparation H * Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals) * Stinky feet - Jello!! * Athletes feet - cornstarch * Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub *Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. * Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also *Kool aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it! * Peanut butter - will get scratches out of CD's! Wipe off with a coffee filter paper * Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray * Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby * Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls * When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on * Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar! * Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour into an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice! * Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the t-shirt and soak * Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and 1/2 cup of milk of magnesia, soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years! * A Slinky will hold toast and CD's! * To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste * Wine stains, pour on the Morton salt and watch it absorb into the salt. * To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel. * Remove labels off glassware etc. rub with peanut butter! * Baked on food -fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets, soak overnight! * Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it! * Dirty grout - Listerine * Stains on clothes - Colgate * Grass stains - Karo Syrup * Grease Stains- Coca Cola, it will also remove grease stains from the driveway overnight. We know it will take corrosion from batteries! * Fleas in your carpet? 20 Mule Team Borax- sprinkle and let stand for 24hours. Maybe this will work if you get them back again. * To keep FRESH FLOWERS longer Add a little Clorox, or 2 Bayer aspirin * When you go to buy bread in the grocery store, have you ever wondered which is the freshest, so you "squeeze" for freshness or softness. Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Each day has a different color twist tie. They are: Monday - Blue Tuesday - Green Thursday - Red Friday - White Saturday - Yellow So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie - not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue - Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday. Very easy to remember. I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the one with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 06:13 AM                        Rated R Wal-Mart Urinalysis One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen,you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later,the computer ejects a printout:You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.He mixed some tap water,a stool sample from his dog,urine samples from his wife and daughter,and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Walmart,eager to check the results.He deposits ten dollars,pours in his concoction,and awaits the results.The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm.Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant,twin girls.They aren't yours,get a lawyer. 5. ! If you don't stop playing with yourself,your elbow will never get better.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 10:10 AM                        Rated G Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." The pastor replied... "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" The old lady said.... "Oh, $20,000 a week." The pastor was amazed... "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is a very honorable profession, "the pastor says. "Where does he practice?" The old lady says proudly.... "Well, he has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno." [ 09-05-2003, 10:43 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 08:03 PM                        Rated R Marketing for Dummies People often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up: You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and, straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam. [ 09-05-2003, 10:37 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-05-2003 10:41 AM                        Rated PG Don't mess with a Woman CIA had an opening for an assassin.After all of the background checks,Interviews,and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman.For the final test, the CIA agents took one of themen to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that youwill follow your instructions,no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. KillHer!!!" The man said,"You can't be serious.I could never shoot my wife." The agent said,"Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about fiveminutes.Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried,but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally,it was the woman's turn.She was given the same instructions,to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard,one shot after another.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes,all was quiet.The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.She wiped the sweat from her brow,and said,"That bloody gun was loaded with blanks.I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Don't mess with women.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-09-2003 12:40 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi The fisherman One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation,and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-12-2003 06:13 AM                        Rated PG Highly Illogical Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic. "What's logic?" asked Bubba. The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?" "I sure do," answered the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good," the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard,you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house,logic dictates that you have a wife." "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" "Finally, since you have a wife,logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,"said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why,that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class." Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. "So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks. "Math, history and logic," replies Bubba. Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?" "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?" "No." "You're a queer, ain't ya?"  |  IP: Logged

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