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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2008 02:03 PM                        Rated G the little woman It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life the week before you get married.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 08:39 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Enjoy! I especially like the final one.This set of ‘happenings’ has been around before but is still funny. They are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active ? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact ? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all ? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory ? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget ? Can you give us an example of something you forgot ? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning ? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ? ' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you ? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo ? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo ? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do ? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning ? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam ? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he ? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken ? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me ? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th ? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time ? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right ? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys ? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls ? WITNESS: Are you kidding me ? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney ? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated ? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated ? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it ? __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual ? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female ? WITNESS: Guess. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney ? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. __________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people ? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that ? _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK ? What school did you go to ? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body ? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time ? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample ? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question ? _________________________________________________________ And the best for last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse ? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure ? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing ? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy ? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor ? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless ? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-26-2008 06:05 PM                        Rated G Dave in Aurora, Ont. A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf Balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, and not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-17-2008 07:25 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Dearest Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home.Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine.I'm not sure about it.I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here.It only rained twice last week;the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send;your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on,so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday.We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving.He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down! There isn't much more news at this time.Nothing much out of the normal has happened. Your Favorite Aunt...... Mom  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 07-18-2008 07:01 PM                        Rated PG... Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.” The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.” The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!? The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.” 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. ”What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. ”He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?” The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-13-2008 04:47 PM                        Rated G UPS Airlines Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked w ith a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!) S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. And the best one for last. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-16-2008 08:55 PM                        Rated PG.... A Kansas woodpecker and a Colorado woodpecker were arguing about which state had the toughest trees. The Kansas woodpecker said Kansas had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Colorado woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Kansas woodpecker was amazed. The Colorado woodpecker then challenged the Kansas woodpecker to peck a tree in Colorado that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Kansas woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to Colorado where the Kansas woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Colorado woodpecker was able to peck the Kansas tree and the Kansas woodpecker was able to peck the Colorado tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own state? Huh? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 09-24-2008 01:16 PM                        Rated G... An Oklahoma farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. 'Is yer Dad home?' the rancher asked. 'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the rancher, 'Is yer Mom here?' 'No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?' 'He went with Mom and Dad.' The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do fer ya?' the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.' 'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Pa about that', he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2009 04:13 PM                        Rated G Jokester The Wisdom Of Homer (No, Not the Greek One -> Homer J. Simpson) "Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That’s for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs." Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen." "You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." "Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel." "If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers." "To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!" "I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down." "I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life: Number one, 'Cover for me.' Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.' "Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda." "Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'" "Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight." "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get." "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." "Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way." "Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?" "Television - teacher, mother, secret lover!" (My favorite) "Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'" A fool and his money are soon parted. I would pay anyone a lot of money to explain that to me. Ah beer, my one weakness. My Achilles heel if you will. Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me! Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die. All life's answers are on TV. Always feel with your heart, although it's better with your hands. Always have plenty of clean white shirts and blue pants. Always trust your first instinct -- unless it tells you to use your life savings to develop a Destructo Ray. And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back is turned. Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! Be generous in the bedroom -- share your sandwich. Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?! D'OH! Dear God, just give me one channel! Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch) Do I know what rhetorical means? Don't mess with the dead, boy, they have eerie powers. Don't worry, MARGE. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay! Donuts...is there anything they CAN'T do? Every creature on God's earth has a right to exist. Except for that damn ruby-throated South American warbler. Facts are meaningless, you can use facts to prove anything that's remotely true! HOMER's BRAIN: "Use reverse psychology." HOMER: "Oh, that sounds too complicated." HOMER's BRAIN: "Okay, don't use reverse psychology." HOMER: "Okay, I will!"  |  IP: Logged

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