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Author
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Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-24-2005 11:36 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it.I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us,fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby,but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!" ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-28-2005 04:03 PM
Rated R B.B.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in the bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a Barbitchyouate.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-04-2006 08:04 AM
Rated G
What are seniors citizens worth?
They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.
As for myself, I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John. After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!
P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself...'What am I here after?'
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-12-2006 01:08 PM
Rated G
One Sunday, while counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-13-2006 09:26 AM
Rated PG ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
Who wears the pants?
David was going to be married to Dana, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Son, let me tell you something. On your mother and my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,
'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too BIG I can't wear them. ' I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said David. He thought that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, David took off his pants and said to Dana, "Here try these on."
She tried them on and said, "These are too LARGE. They don't fit me." David said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
Then Dana took off her pants and handed them to David. She said, "Here you try on mine."
He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Dana said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-30-2006 08:23 PM
Rated G
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.The doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I'vesome bad news for you.You have cancer,and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."
O'Malley was shocked but being a solid character,he managed
to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room,where his son was waiting.
"Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well.In this case,things aren't so well.I have cancer.Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints the two were feeling a little less somber..
There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually
approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to
what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He
told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a
couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
"Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and
you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your
Mother after I am gone."
YOU GOTTA LOVE THE IRISH!!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-07-2006 10:39 AM
Rated PG B.B.
The Wonderful Way Children See Things
NUDITY: I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt! "
OPINIONS: On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter with me. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-09-2006 08:49 AM
Rated G Showbiz
A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of this fine young specimen.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you will have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian Name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name then I cannot represent you young man."
"Then, I bid you farewell--my name will not change." with that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agent's office never to return.
Five years later.......................
The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like.
There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000.00 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir,
Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and I left your office.
However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I deceided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name.
Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achived this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistance that I change my name.
I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very truly yours,
Dick Van Dyke
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-09-2006 01:43 PM
Rated X Hank
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage,a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet,displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed,rolled his eyes,and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later,Artie followed the man's wife to the local Kroger grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind,Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared.................................
You're going to hate me for this.
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"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT KROGER'S"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-14-2006 01:45 PM
Rated G One of my Favorites
Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
by Dr. Seuss.
(Read this to yourself a-loud - it's great!)
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonnacrash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall . . .
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions are causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-18-2006 04:00 PM
Rated R
( (((RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"
***Brief Pause***
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey? " he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! "
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? . . . Is this 555-7039? ?
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