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Author Topic: Second Run - Oldies but Goodies ... Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-07-2004 10:54 AM                        Rated X LAS in CT A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy asthis sounds,maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said,"I think she choked."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2004 04:27 PM                        Rated G An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout. "Yumti-Bi," he said, "you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here." Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground... "Large Heap - war party," he says, "maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint...many many guns. Medicine man also with them." "Good grief!" exclaims the General, "you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???" "No, General," replied the Indian, "I can see under the gate..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2004 04:40 PM                        Rated PG A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be having a great time at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Sincerely, your Husband. The wife responded: Dear Husband, Your letter made me realize that you too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that I am going to be having a far better time than you are because: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2004 09:01 PM                        Rated G Mad Wife Disease He was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a rolled up magazine. "Ouch!! What was that for?" he asked. " That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. " Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. " Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with an iron skillet,which knocked him out cold. When he came too, he asked, "Now what was that for?" She replied, "Your horse called".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-16-2004 09:14 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers A plane is on it's way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he saidto make her move without any fuss. "I told her, First Class isn't going to Houston.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:15 AM                        [b]Rated G A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot.He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brilliantly glowing.He carefully approaches the carto get a closer look.Then he sees a young man behindthe wheel reading a computer magazine.He immediately notices a young woman in the rear,knitting. Puzzledby this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window.."Uh, yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" "Well, isn't it obvious? I am reading a magazine, sir. "Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says,"And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she is knitting a pullover sweater. "Now the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone in a car,at night in lover's land. And nothing obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?" "I am 25, sir." "And her..what's her age?" The young man looks at his watch and replies,"She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2004 09:43 PM                        Rated PG The Proctologist Jim went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When Jim sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk. 1. A tube of K-Y jelly 2. A rubber glove 3. A beer When the doctor finally came in, Jim said, Look Doc, I'm a little confused.This is my first exam.I know what the K-Y is for,and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for? At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit,Helen! I said A BUTT LIGHT!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2004 09:48 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear pants don't you? He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa. He said . .. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror! On a wall in a ladies room .. . "My husband follows me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not" Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them. Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer. Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature. Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them. Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don't know; it has never happened. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-04-2004 01:46 PM                        Rated G Subject: Story of Mayo " Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's (in the West, "Best") mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.... But as we know....the great ship did not make it to New York.... The ship hit an iceberg and sank....and the cargo was forever lost.... The people of Mexico,who were crazy about mayonnaise,and were eagerly awaiting its delivery....were disconsolate at the loss.. Their anguish was so great,that they declared a National Day of Mourning which they still observe to this day.... The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th....and is known....of course....as Sinko de Mayo...."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 04:05 AM                        Rated XXX A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist,you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years.It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.This is how I cured it:Every day I would give my wife oral sex.When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back,"Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.And, by the way you have a lovely home."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2004 08:44 AM                        Rated G A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is." "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her." "You were perfectly right." "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"  |  IP: Logged Steven Privett Expert Film Handler Posts: 208 From: Pasadena, TX, USA Registered: Dec 2000 posted 05-20-2004 04:49 AM                    Rated G Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.” “How does it work?” The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake…it’s 3:30 in the morning!”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-06-2004 01:45 PM                        Rated G Hank in Simi A man came home from work,sat down in his favorite chair,turned on the TV,and said to his wife,"Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled,but brought him a beer. When he finished it,he said,"Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry,but brought him a beer. When it was gone,he said,"Quick,another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down,don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?" The husband sighed. "Damn, it's started."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2004 09:26 AM                        Rated G DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-21-2004 10:13 AM                        Rated R A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So,he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on the question. After consulting the Bible,the priest says,"My son,after an exhaustive search,I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath". The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex? So, he goes to a minister who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath. Not pleased with the reply,he seeks out a Rabbi,a man of thousands of years traditions and knowledge.The Rabbi ponders the question then states,"My son, sex is definitely play. The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work." The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work , my wife would have the maid do it."  |  IP: Logged

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