In 1555, Nostradamus wrote:

"Come the millennium, month 12, in the home of greatest power,
the village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader."

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium
for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader
says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and
steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15
plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another
chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble
of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the
world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee,
uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets
out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the
blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell
and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER
CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm
than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more
chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually
says, "Four?".

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all
80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp
their feet and scream...

 |  IP: Logged

 |  IP: Logged

Every sailing ship had to have cannon for protection. Cannon of the times required round iron cannonballs. The master wanted to store the cannonballs such that they could be of instant use when needed, yet not roll around the gun deck. The solution was to stack them up in a square-based pyramid next to the cannon. The top level of the stack had one ball, the next level down had four, the next had nine, the next had sixteen, and so on. Four levels would provide a stack of 30 cannonballs.

The only real problem was how to keep the bottom level from sliding out from under the weight of the higher levels. To do this, they devised a small brass plate ("brass monkey") with one rounded indentation for each cannonball in the bottom layer.

Brass was used because the cannonballs wouldn't rust to the "brass monkey", but would rust to an iron one.

When temperature falls, brass contracts in size faster than iron. As it got cold on the gun decks, the indentations in the brass monkey would get smaller than the iron cannonballs they were holding. If the temperature got cold enough, the bottom layer would pop out of the indentations spilling the entire pyramid over the deck.

Thus it was, quite literally, "cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey."

2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4.You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.

5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6.When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7.When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

8.You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

9.Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

10.Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

16. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go to lunch while yours boots up.

19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in the hospital.

20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising
your boss's boss on strategy.

21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends"

24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.

The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"

The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."

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A teacher wrote on the blackboard: "Like I ain't had no fun
in months." Then she asked the class, "How should I correct
this sentence?"

These Jokes sure are Funny!!!

This drug sounds so promising we want to suggest to our friends and family that they consider buying stock in the company. The drug is called "Ginko Viagra," and its function is to help you remember what the F&#@ you're doing.

The bartender told him that if he went next door and knocked on room 3c he would get screwed. He went and knocked on 3c. A voice came from behind the door.."What do ya want?"
The guys yells through the door.."I wanna get screwed" The voice says " OK slide a $20 bill under the door" The guy does this and waits.....and waits.....and waits.

The guy in the passenger seat says, "Hey! That was a red light!" The driver says, "Don't worry! My brother does this all the time."

A couple of miles later the same thing happens. The one says, "Woah! That's TWO lights! Ain't you gonna' stop?" The other says, "Naw! My brother does it all the time!"

The next light is green. When they come to the intersection the driver slams on the breaks... "HEY! What in tarnation! You blow through two red lights and you stop at a green one! What's the matter with you!?"

The Executive a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The executive feels so bad he begins to cry.

A beautiful blond lady projectionist driving down the road, sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what is wrong? I feel terrible, he explains, " I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it". The blond projectionist says, Don't worry". She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents of the can onto the dead rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves his paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again. Ten more feet he stops turns around and waves again. Ten feet, turns and waves and this continues until he is out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the blond projectionist and demands to know what is in the can? What did you spray on that rabbit?

The woman turns the can around, so that the man can read the label. It says,

(Are you ready for this?)

(This is Bad!)

(You could click off and not read the punch line.)

(You know your gonna be sorry)

(Last Chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says, Hair Spray-Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave.

Now if that was a bottle of Film-Guard!

But...that's another story. ("Irma La Douce")

"What the **** was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima

"Where did all these ******* indians com from" -Custer

"Any idiot could ****** understand that." Einstein

I"t does so ****** look like her" - Picasso

"How the **** did you work that out?" Pythagorus

"You want WHAT on the ****** ceiling?" Michelangelo

"I don't suppose it's gonna ****** rain." Joan of Arc

"Scattered ******* showers..my ass!" Noah

"I need this parade like I need a ***** hole in my head." JFK

The sister was not as accurate as lorena. She missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg causing severe muscle and tendon damage. She has been charged with a misdeweiner.