A: Because he wanted to Wake up Oily in
the Morning

It held up a pair of pants.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after they got to know each other really well, they deceided to get married. One broom was of course the Bride Broom, the other the Groom Broom.

The Bride Broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The Groom Broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the service at the reception the Bride Broom leaned over and said to the Groom Broom! "I think I'm going to have a little Wisk Broom!"

"Impossible!" said the Groom Broom.

ARE YOU READY for this? IT'S GOING TO GRAB YOU!!!!! Scrool Down...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said," I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your equipment?"

1. There's too much inconsistancy in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed much to close to the exhaust. And finally,

5. The maintenence costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there,"
replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, " God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

George W. Bush, as President was given preference and was the first to be placed against the wall. Just before the order was given GW yelled out,
                                                "Earthquake!"

The firing squad panicked and scattered !
GW easily jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Bill Clinton, as EX-president and Rhodes scholar he was given second courtesy and next placed against the wall.  Bill quickly assessed what he had just witnessed and as the squad assembled, rifles at the 'ready,' but  before the order was given Bill yelled,
                                               "Tornado!"

Again the squad fell apart and slippery Bill slipped over the wall.

The last person, Al Gore was placed against the wall. He was thinking "Umm, Ah, Uh, I see the pattern here, just scream out something like a disaster and hop over the wall to freedom."

He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was being reassembled.  Calmly, with his usual aplomb, as the rifles were being raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear, and yelled:
        
"Fire!"

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial smutty 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack ask if you can put it on the speaker phone.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "Astronaut food".

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from "Dianetics."

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. (yum)

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray her with your own bottle of Eau de Swank.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.(for men only)

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".

36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leak proof".

42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. [Susan B's work well, too]

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. Ask if they have a mirror.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue.

If they step on you, you are Screwed!!!

A man came into the ER and yelled, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began struggling with her underwear, all the while finding her completely uncooperative. Suddenly I noticed to my horror that there were several cabs. I was in the wrong one.

*********
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Well, they used to be," lamented the patient.

*********
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

*********
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."

Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

This one.

Ths sntnc hs n vwls.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' asked the mother.

'Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.' The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

'What the hell are you doing?' he asked.

His daughter replied, 'I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.'

The father walked out of the room shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching the football game on the TV.

'What on earth are you doing?' she cried.

"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you will have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian Name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name then I cannot represent you young man."

"Then, I bid you farewell--my name will not change." with that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agent's office never to return.

Five years later.......................

The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000.00 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir,

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and I left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I deceided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name.
Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achived this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistance that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very truly yours,
Dick Van Dyke