One say's to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz." So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and he feels good. In fact, he feels great. No hangover!

The phone rings, it's his buddy. His buddy say's, 'Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great!" The buddy say's "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great, we should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No.."

"Well, DON'T, cause I'm in Phoenix."

US Air Force Issues

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."

Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."

Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."

Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."

Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."

Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."

Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."

Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."

Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."

Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."

Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.

Some people are alive because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life so seriously, you won't get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Your just jealous because the voices just talk to me.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So your a feminist...isn't that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.

I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

The gene pool could use a little clorine.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

I know what you are thinking and you should be ashamed of yourself.

Elvis is dead and I'm not feeling good myself.

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny Scottie, now beam up my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again.

Beer - The reason I get up each afternoon!

I must be a Proctologist because I work with assholes!

I'm out of bed and dressed; What more do you want?

Your village just called: They want their idiot back.

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb"

The teacher say's "Very good, now use it in a sentence?"

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell stupid."

Darla says "S-t-u-p-i-d, 'stupid'."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which over a nine months, developes into a complete female baby.

The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead.

Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to grow a male's reproductive organ have to come from cells all ready assigned elsewhere in the female.

Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develope into male sexual organs.

If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born with a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.

The difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will play with things like a doll house or learn to read. Little boys, however will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls.

Little girls will think about doing things before taking action.
Little boys will punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.

The basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins.

After puberty not only the size of the male and female brain differ, but the center of thought also differs.

Women think with their heads.

Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodieswhere their ex-brain cells reside.

Of course, the size of the problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small amount of brain cells migrate and they are leftwith nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking.

Such men are know in medical terms as "Engineers."

Other men suffer even larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically refered to as "Fighter Pilots".

A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as ..."Mr.President."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female: "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our
air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.This they tried and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly
sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the
safety of the shore. Enraged, the male whale told the female, "Let's
swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow
him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen".

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him they will close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try. The husband finally agrees and goes into the wife's room.

After a few minutes the women's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate.

However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. He could not suceed in his quest. The people were very upset and deceided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet, what was happening. Whenever the bull approaches the cow, the cow moves away. If he approaches from the back the cow moves forward. When he approaches from the front, the cow moves back. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side.

The Vet thought about it for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had mentioned where they bought the cow.

"You are truly a wise Vet", they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"

"However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

I woke early one morning
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay
That slowly all my troubles
began to slip away

He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling
brought up the morning sun

I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed
Then gently closed the window
and crushed his fucking head.

I'm not a morning person.

You can hold a rational debate with Colonel Gadaffy.

What did Princess Diana's boyfriend ask his chauffeur the week before their death?