The madam motions for him to put away his money. She then pulls
two hundred dollars out of a purse and gives it to him. She
fends off all his attempts for an explanation.

Naturally, the man returns the following evening. He gets the
same treatment, and is again given two hundred dollars.

The third night he does the same thing, but when he sees the
madam she asks him for three hundred dollars.

"Wait a minute," he says. "The first night you gave me two
hundred dollars. The second night you gave two hundred dollars.
Now you want me to pay you three hundred? Why?"

In the days of the Navy Heavy Attack Squadrons that flew the Douglas A-3, A certain pilot wrote up a discrepancy on the yellow sheet. It was, "Relief tube too short for this pilot."

The plane captain went out, and grabbed the relief tube, and it was long enough to reach any area of the cockpit.

The plane captain signed off the discrepancy in the following manner.

"Relief tube found to be of sufficient length. Check Pilot's cock!"

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten
so bad, I couldn't see where the ball went."

"You're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife.
"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"
protested Jack.

"Yes, but he's got perfect eyesight and can watch your ball
for you," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung
and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Did
you see where it went?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a georgeous , voluptuous blond woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...

An Airman meandered up to the aircraft with the containment pump, fiddles around for awhile, then gets ready to leave.

The young Captain, who was the aircraft commander confronted the Airman, and stated, "You have caused me to be two hours late for my take off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded but punished as well.!"

Then there was a short moment of silence..........

He asked the son about using one of the pills and the son said, "I don't
think you should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill", answered the son.

"I don't care" said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one and I'll leave the money
under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.

He said to Grandpa, "I told you each pill was
$10.00, not $110.00."

"I know" said Grandpa, "the extra hundred is from Grandma!"

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Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:

"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

-- Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

-- Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

-- Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

-- Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

-- Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

-- Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

-- Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

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The Horth

A guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend, who tells him, I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over.

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if wants a male or a female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. The owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her eyeth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horses eyes.

"Ok, what about her eerth?" Now the owner is getting pissed off, but he picks up the midget and shows him the horses ears.

"Ok, finally can I see her Twat?" With that the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horses vagina, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should rephrathe that, Can I see her wun around?"

1. Pick up cat and walk to bathroom petting the cat and telling it what a good kitty it is.
2. Quietly squirt a generous shot of cat shampoo on cat's back.
3. Before the cat senses the shampoo, quickly drop the cat into the toilet and close the lid. Sit on the lid to hold it down, being careful to avoid any frantic paws with claws coming out from under the seat.
4. Bang on the lid. Cat will self-agitate and create a lather.
5. After sufficient time, flush the toilet to rinse the cat and spin off excess lather. Cat will supply further agitation. Repeat three times.
6. Have a friend open all doors leading from the bathroom to the outside.
7. Stand behind the toilet and lift the lid. The cat will race outside and dry itself in the sun.